Pete Versus Life (2010–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Frank Leaves Noreen - full transcript

Pete reluctantly hosts his father Frank who has walked out on wife Noreen but he still manages to spend the night with Chloe,returning next morning to find Frank in bed with young blonde Kiki - who forgets her phone. After causing a mishap while helping Chloe's father with his D-I-Y and actually reconciling his parents Pete's hasty supposition that Kiki must be a prostitute comes back to bite him - as Kiki plays up to the part in front of Chloe!

[music playing]


And you're joining us
with our socially inept

young sportswriter
cleaning up the kitchen--

quite a rare occurrence, Terry.

What on earth's going on?

Well, he's got
his ex-girlfriend,

Chloe, coming round tonight.

He's back with her again.

They've been taking things slow.

But I think tonight's
the night, Colin.

Well, he must be keen,
because against every instinct

and every sinew of his
body, he's gone out

and bought a scented candle.

Oh, dear.

- Hey, don't take that down.
- I'm sorry, Manfred.

I'm not having a girl come over
and think I like Simply Red.

There is nothing
wrong with Simply Red.

Back in Zimbabwe, they were the
only thing that kept me sane.

It was like Mick Hucknall
was the only one who

really understood us, you know?

Plus, all other
music was banned.

Well, you're in Britain now.

And everyone in Britain
thinks he's shit.

I'm sorry, Manfred, but there's
no nice way of saying it.


All right, Dad?

Hello, Peter.

May I come in?

Uh, yeah, all right.

Oh, Frank.

How's it, broo?

Is mom not with you?

Uh, no.

Um, your mother and
I are having a bit

of a break from each other.



What do you mean?

MANFRED: Well, I think you're
doing the right thing, Frank.

It's like my uncle and
auntie back in Zimbabwe.

Things weren't right,
so he took some time out

and came back to
the relationship

with his batteries
fully charged.

Unfortunately, though,
he found my auntie

having a three-way with
two of the farmhands

and killed himself.

Manfred, would you mind?

So is it all right if
I stay here for a bit?


If that's all right.

Wouldn't you be
happier in a hotel,

a nice little cheap
one like the ones

that Lenny Henry advertises?

Those sort of prices
are only available

online, months in advance.

[sigh] All right.

All right.
- Yeah.


that suitcase looks heavy.

He could be here for a while.

Frank's outmaneuvered him
there-- extra experience.

Pot of tea?

Oh, yes please.

So what happened?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Of course it does.

Oh, I don't want to be
rude about your mother.

But let's just say she's a lot
more deceitful than I thought.

And I don't feel I
can trust her anymore.


Is there-- [MUMBLES]

Peter, if you don't mind, I'm
feeling hurt and humiliated.

And I really don't
want to talk about it.


Oh, this milk's off!
- Oh, don't worry about that.


I should-- I'm gonna go sort
this milk out, all right?

Hi, Chloe.

It's Pete.

Listen, I'm really,
really, really, sorry,

but I can't do tonight because
my dad's just turned up.

That is a terrible message for
a young man to have to leave.

Especially one with
his testosterone levels.


I bought this milk this morning,
and it's seems to be off.

Can't be mine.

It is, mate.

I bought it literally
two hours ago.

Give it here.

No, mate.
It's not off.


Doesn't matter what
the sell-by date is.

Give it a little smell.

[WHISPERS] Just give
it a little smell.

Smells all right to me.

What do you think, Andy?

Oh, it's fine.

[inaudible] There's
nothing wrong with that.

Look, it's off.

And it's no wonder it's off.

Look, you got all your milk
stacked up against there.

Why don't you take
some of your Cokes

out your fridge to make
room for some of your milk.

Well, take me
cans of Coke out?

Get out of here.

Look, this is nuts.

It's bad enough I've got
to pay one pound 40 for it.

Well that's
convenience, isn't it?

I mean, this is a
friendly, local shop.

Oh, yeah.

No, it is a lovely shopping
experience-- two CCTV cameras

and a drunk Irish bloke.

It's nice.

Hey, hey.


Yeah, well I need the cameras.

People keep trying to stab me.

Maybe people would
stop trying to stab

you if your milk wasn't off.

Look, I'll just have
a new milk, please.

Help yourself.
One pound 40.

You're joking, yeah?

- No.
- Right.

That's it.

I'm withdrawing my costume.
- Eh?

Yeah, you've heard.

From now on, I'll be buying
my overpriced bits and bobs

elsewhere, thank you very much.

So you can take your off milk
and stick it up your ass.

Hey, steady on.

Well, Pete couldn't

face a night in with his
dad even though there's

an "England Friendly" on.

So he's ordered some
cheap margaritas

to inject a sense of fun.

FRANK: I don't know why
you three young fellows

are hanging around with
an old man like me.

TERRY [VOICEOVER]: Doesn't seem
to have worked though, Colin.

This bar is full
of top class birds.

Do you still say birds?

Dad, uh--

I prefer to say women.

It's more respectful.

Or punanny.

When I was your age, I was
up there, having a crack,

giving it all that.

When you get to my
age and look back,

the only things you regret
are the things you never did.

Well, you don't need
to worry about your son.

He's always doing
things he regrets.

No I'm not.

Well, you should.

MANFRED: So what's the classiest
punanny you've ever pulled?

Oh, well, that would
have to be Noreen.

Oh, well done, Manfred.
Nice one, mate.

Oh, Noreen, what
happened to us?

I'll tell you what
I saw the other day,

was loads of clips of
people on level crossings,

just being missed by trains.

Very funny, hilarious.

Yeah, that's exactly
what I feel like,

like I've been hit by a train.
- No, no, no.

My thing was people
getting missed by trains.

So it's different.

Yeah, marriage is
a lot like a train.

But there was no advance warning
when my train hit trouble.

Somebody just dropped a
breeze block off a bridge

and killed the driver.


It's all right.

It's OK.

[phone ringing]

Oh, this is really important.

I've got to take this.



My parents have gone
to a party and they're

supposed to be coming home,
but they're staying the night.

Can you come over?
- Yes.

Yep, yep.

Definitely yes, I can.

Yeah, that's no problem.
- Cool!


All right, Chloe.

This will require

the utmost tact and diplomacy.

It's all right, Frank.

Look, Pete's coming back.

Lads, I've got to shoo off.

- What?
- No, that was Chloe.

There's some sort of emergency.

I have to go over.

A family-related emergency?


You'll be all right,
won't you, dad?

I don't know.

I hope so.
- That's it.

Well, you're in good hands.
OK, boys.

I'll see you later.

You've got to be kidding!

- No!
- Come on, Frank.

Let it all out.

Just don't touch me.

I'm going to fuck
your brains out.

Hello, Jen.

I didn't know you were here.


Oh hi, Pete.

Didn't you get my text.




Oh, there it is.

COLIN [VOICEOVER]: So while we
ride out this awkward pause,

let's have a look
at Chloe's parents.

Right, well there's
Jen, who once dated

Robert Peston, BBC
business editor.

And Mike, a
consultant surgeon who'd

prefer his daughter to
be dating someone who can

swim further than 10 meters.

Oh, but I think he's
about to say something.

So you decided not to
stay at the party, then?

It turned out our host
was the director of a rather

large fish canning company.


So I think you can
see our dilemma.


I mean, who wants to
eat tin fish at a party?

No, that wasn't the problem.

He is complicit in the
unsustainable overfishing

of the world's fish stocks.

And that's why you left?


I'd have done that, too.

So, Chloe said
you're back together.

That's very, um--


It is, isn't it?

So how did you
two hook up again?

Um, well, we bumped
into each other

at an Eva Cassidy
tribute concert.

Bumped into isn't totally
accurate, is it, Terry?

No, he's been
keeping an eye on her

through Facebook
for some months,

saw she was going to an Eva
Cassidy tribute concert,

and engineered bumping into her.

Yes, but on the downside,
he did have to buy

three Eva Cassidy albums.

And on top of the [inaudible],,
it's like a knife in the guts.

Are you sure
this is all right?

Honestly, it's fine.

My parents are really cool.

All right, then.

MIKE: Ahem!

Uh, maybe we should
just get some sleep.





Yes, and if we look

at the thickness of that wall--

Yeah, you don't

want to be having
sex with a lass

when you're
literally five inches

away from her dad's head.

No, you do not.

Well observed, Terry.

Well, here we are an hour later.

Pete struggled to get
to sleep, then luckily

remembered the England
game highlights

would be on the computer.

England already fading

a lot against the
depleted Bulgarians.


Get stuck in.

Pete, stop it.

Not much longer.

Oh, Chloe, look at that.

Look at that.

God, have some of that!



In it goes!

CHLOE: Stop it, Pete.

PETE: [inaudible]

CHLOE: I've had enough.

PETE: Hang on.

Hang on.


Back at the net.


Good morning!



What would you
like for breakfast?

Oh, anything.

Anything at all.
I'm easy.


I don't think so.

Mind you, we did have
our five-year-old niece

staying recently.

Well, it might be
worth a look, then.

Sleep well, Mike?
- Listen.

I heard everything that went on
with you and Chloe in her room

last night.
- What you talking about?

We didn't do anything.

Do not treat me like a fool.
I heard.

Eat it.

In it goes.

Back at the net.
- Oh!

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

I was watching the football
match on Chloe's laptop.

I had earphones on.
- Oh, come on.

Even you can do
better than that.

No, no.

That-- that is true.

Look, it's there.

Look, we won seven nil.


Well, that would
actually make sense.


JEN: I'm afraid all I've
got is organic oatmeal.

I'll do my best with it.

Don't worry, Mike.

We all make mistakes.

That's so funny.

What's going on in here, then?

Your dad thought I was
forcing you to have rough sex.

Which I would never do.

In fact, when we were
going out before,

we just did straight up and
down vanilla sex, nothing

fancy, which was lovely.


Shall we just have breakfast?



Oh lovely.

That's really nice.

Sorry about that.

Probably made it a little bit
more awkward than I needed to.

Don't worry.

It was Mike's fault.


But, maybe you could make a
bit more of an effort with him.


No, absolutely.

Yeah, I will.

Or, I could just try and
avoid him as much as possible.

I know!

He's got a shelving unit he's
gonna need a hand putting up.

Maybe you could
help him with that!

Yeah, no.

Yeah, I-- or, I could just try
and really keep out of his way.

Oh, thanks Pete.

I'll tell him you're up for it.

You know, if he really
got to know you,

I'm sure he'd love
you as much as I do.

COLIN [VOICEOVER]: Well, she's
tossed it in there, the L word.


No, love, Terry.

And that's the first time a girl
has ever said she loves him.

TERRY [VOICEOVER]: That's right.

If we look at his
previous best, you

can see Nicola said, "You're
good at drinking," which Pete

took as a compliment,
but it was actually

the reason they broke up.

But as Pete heads home, he's
in the mood for a celebration.

He's going to lie on his
bed with his computer

and crack open Tour of Duty 3.

wondered what you were going

to say there for a moment, Col.





What have you done?

COLIN [VOICEOVER]: Well, it's a
shame Pete didn't get much kip

last night, because after
witnessing that, he's got

a few sleepless nights to come.

And Pete's trying to come to
terms with what he's just seen.

It's the most shocking thing
he's witnessed since a trip

to the zoo where he saw
a lady milking a bat.

I'm sorry about that, Peter.

It was just a one-off.

It was a mistake.

Ah, so you did sleep with her.

Well, of course.
What do you think happened?

I don't know.

I thought there must be
some other explanation.

Please don't tell your mother.

Oh yeah.

That's a conversation
I really want to have.

Aside from anything,
how'd you manage that?

She's-- she's quite attractive.

Oh, thanks very much.

- Why'd you do it?
- I don't know.

Probably just trying to
get back at your mother

for what she's done.
- What has she done?

Well, you know that bloke from
Curry she met at line dance?

Oh, my god.

I don't really want
to talk about it.

I'm not ready.



You must be Frank's son.


This is Peter.

Peter, this is Kiki.

Well, thank you for
last night, Frank.

Um, by the way, do you
have that hundred pounds?

Pete's certainly run
errands for his dad before,

but this is a first,
isn't it, Terry?

He's got to pay at the post,
and [inaudible] gone for chips,

but this is the
first time he's been

sent out to pick up the money
to pay for a prostitute.


Can't use the cash machine
in that boycotted shop.

Oh, good.

Uh, Kiki's got a
10:30 to get to.



Well, my cab's here.

People to see, things to do.

No rest for the wicked, eh?


I'll see you out.



[phone ringing]

COLIN [VOICEOVER]: Well, here we
are at the scene of the crime.

And it takes something
like this to get

Pete to change his sheets.

it's been a good six months.

And then, he only reversed them.

And that phone?

I'd say that was Kiki's.

Yeah, got to be.


MAN [ON PHONE]: Hello?

Is Kiki there, please?

No, she's not.

And get a girlfriend,
you pervert.

So Pete round
at Chloe's house,

and it looks like he's helping
to put up a cupboard, Terry.

Uh, yeah.

And Mike, a very
precise man, a surgeon,

he likes things just so.


If we look at Pete's
last bit of DIY,

he couldn't even be bothered
to get another brick

to make that level.

But so far, it must be said
they seem to be getting on.


Can you pass me the Philips
screwdriver, please, Pete?


Good choice.
- Oh, Pete.

The phone in your
jacket was going,

so I answered it--
someone called Kiki.

this could be trouble.

She didn't say anything
about what she did, or--


That's good.
JEN: Why?

What does she do?

talked himself into that one.

She's not a whore.


She just slept with my dad.

I thought your parents
were still married.

They are, but they're
on a bit of a break.

Yeah, well it happens.

Indeed it does.

Oh, so have you had a bit
of a break in the past, then?

What do you mean?

Oh, it's just the way
you were speaking just now.


Since we were married, there's
never been anyone else.

All right.

Still, you can only really speak
for yourself, couldn't you.


Well, you never
know, especially

given how good-looking Jen is.


Oh, you're all right, but she
she's properly good-looking.

- Can we get on, please?
- Oh no, no.

I'm not-- I'm not saying--

I'm just saying
it was a surprise

when it happened to my dad.

But she must have had hundreds
more chances than him.

- Can we?
- Yeah.

Oh, now you've
made me forget the--



Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Pete, calm down.
Come here.

I need you to focus.

I've just dislocated my knee.

And I need you to
pop it back in.

It's easy.

Just do what I say.

Can't Jen just do it?


It has to be someone strong.

Now, you need to gently rotate
the lower leg back 90 degrees.

Which direction?

So it's in line with
the rest of the leg!

[both screaming]

Now, I need you
to grip the ankle,

and pull it slowly, but
forcefully, towards you--

away from me.

Are you sure you don't just
want to wait for an ambulance?

Oh, do it!

[screaming] Just jerk it!

I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

Is everything
all right in here?


Oh, my fucking leg!

- Oh!


Mike's going into shock there.

I'll go and get a bowl.


My leg.

But life goes on.

And Pete's trying to get rid
of that prostitute's phone.

Yeah, he's dialed the home
number he's found on it.

Well, looks like he's
got the answering machine.


It's Pete here, the son
of your most recent trick.

Actually, do high class
prostitutes say trick?

Maybe you say client.
I don't know.

COLIN [VOICEOVER]: Good point.

What is the difference between
a high class prostitute

and a normal prostitute, Terry?

Well, usually about
50 quid and an STD.



- Hi Pete.
- Hi.

How is he?

Yeah, he's OK.

We managed to get his knee
back in his socket eventually.

And they say he'll
be almost completely

better in four to six months.

Oh, that is good.

I'm so sorry.
- It's not your fault.

Oh, so he hasn't
put you off me?

Of course not.

Could have happened to anyone.

Oh, good.

Oh, good, because I--

I don't know what I'd
do if I lost you again.

Oh, Pete.

No, I don't.

No, it's true.


I have to say, though,
if we don't have sex soon,

my balls are going to explode.

JEN: Ahem.

Oh, hello, Jen.


How are you?


Oh, good.

Do I look all right?

Mum doesn't care
what you look like.

Oh, there she is.

You're looking well, Noreen.
- Frank.

Hi, mum.
Sit down, yeah.

Come on.
Pop yourself down.

That's it.

Should we, uh--
should we get started?

I think we all agree that we
need to get him back where he

belongs, which is your house.

Now, he promises not to
bear any grudges, don't you?

Because mum, you know,
people have affairs.

I am not having an affair!

What's got into you?

Of course your mum's
not having an affair.

Neither of us
would ever do that.

You said mom was deceitful,
and you couldn't trust her.

- I did not say that.
- It's a direct quote.

And what about that
broke you met at line

dancing that works at Curry's.


I'm certainly not
having an affair.

The reason your father
left was because I

ordered a new fridge through
Derek without telling him.

That's what this is
has all been about--

not a suburban lethario, but
a freestanding fridge freezer.

And I wonder how
many cans of Cola

the man from the corner
shop could get in that?

He might even be able
to squeeze some milk in.

I think you owe mum
an apology, don't you?


Yes, of course, you're right.

Look, Noreen.

I'm really sorry.

I went a bit over the top
about you buying that fridge.

I was completely in the wrong.

But you've got to understand,
it was quite a shock.

I mean, 900 pounds, Noreen.

You can get a perfectly
good fridge freezer for 250.

Not with an ice dispenser.

What's so hard about
filling an ice tray?


Mean, all it takes
is a bit of planning.

All right, dad.
All right.

All right.
Leave it, yeah?

The important thing is,
you're apologizing to mum now,

aren't you?

Yes, of course.

Will she defrost?

She took him back.


So is it still all right
if I come over tonight?

Oh, that's brilliant, Chloe.

I am going to fuck you
until the bed breaks.

Hello, mum.

Just some telephone banking.

Yes, please.

Thank you.


Oh, no.


I haven't got any condoms.

Oh, well don't worry.

We'll just have a cuddle.

I'll be five minutes.

Just stay here.

COLIN [VOICEOVER]: Pete, ruing
as he's never rued before,

his decision to shun
his local corner shop.

Oh, but what's this?

I think he might be going
back on his boycott.

he about self-disciplined

there as he is a home with a
packet of Jaffa Cakes, man.

that, [inaudible],, not me.

Can I have a packet
of condoms, please?

Eh, it's our friend
with the off milk, eh?

Sorry about that.

Could I have some
condoms, please?

Surprised to see you.

I thought you were
withdrawing custome.

Well, it was the
heat of the moment.

And I hadn't had my cup of tea.

Yeah, what else did you say?


You can take
your pint of milk,

and stick it up your arse.


No, I didn't.

Two CCTV cameras,
and a drunk Irishman.

You've got a really
good memory for somebody

who starts drinking at 9:00 AM.


Can I have my condoms, please?

So you're re-instating
your custome, then?

Yeah, if that's all right.

Yeah, that's 8.99, please.


You're joking, mate.

Or you can always
try the Little.

- Yep.
- But they might be closed.


All right!


And a, uh, drop of
milk for our friend?

Keep your change, yeah?

Good lad.


Now, in anybody's book
that's a tremendous shame.

Well, it's eight hours
later, and Pete's

not known for his patience.


Oh, sorry.

Did I wake you up?


I, um--

I bought those
things, by the way.

Oh, great.



What you doing?


Sorry, son.

Hi, Frank.




I'm sorry.

I just came back for
the rest of my stuff.

OK, well let's be
as quick as we can.

Uh, yeah.

Your mom won't be back
for about half an hour.

Half an hour?

Yeah, she just popped
down to the shops.

I gave her my debit card.

Oh, hello Frank.

Oh, hello Chloe.

Sorry about the-- oh, I
would make you a cup of tea,

but I'm afraid the
milk appears to be off.

Oh, not again.

Why don't I go and get some?

Oh, thank you.

Thanks, Chloe.
- Thanks.

- Thank you.
- Bye.

COLIN [VOICEOVER]: In the words
of the great Stevie Wonder,

isn't she lovely?

So, is everything
all right with mum?

Oh, yes, very much so.

In fact, last night, for
the first time in God

knows how long, your mom and I--

Oh, I don't want
to know about that!

Thank you very much.

--managed to talk.



Oh, that might be her now.

Sorry to hear Frank's going.


It's a real hammer
blow, actually.

KIKI: So is he here?

FRANK: Yeah, in there.


What the bloody hell
were you thinking?

I don't know what you mean.

Leaving a message
on my answer phone,

calling me a high
class prostitute.

You are a high
class prostitute.


Why would you think
Kiki's a prostitute?

Because she's called Kiki,
and she slept with you.

And you gave her 100 quid.

That was a loan.

She'd lost her purse.

Thank you for that, Frank.

FRANK: So, Kiki, I expect
you've got lots of things

to be getting on with.

My dad heard that message.

And that's aside from
whatever the hell you

told my boss when he phoned.


Called him a pervert.

I'm very sorry.

But you can how it happened.

I mean, you're definitely
good-looking enough

to be a high class prostitute.
- I don't know--


I mean, not high class,
but you know, definitely

make a living out of it.

No, you're definitely high
class prostitute material.

Who's a high class prostitute?

Hello, mum.

Your mum?

Uh, yeah.

My wife.


I'm a prostitute.

And I've been here to visit
one of my favorite clients.

Oh my goodness me.


Isn't that right, Pete?

Yeah, that is right.


We've got a regular

Oh my god.

taken one for the team.

So how much did we say?

Oh, yeah.

Uh-- 12, 12 quid?
- Perfect.

I do give a bit of a discount,
because he's such a regular.

Until next time, then, which
is tomorrow at 3:30 I believe,

- OK, yeah.

CHLOE: Oh, hi.

Who was that?

She was a whore,
Chloe, a whore!

And she's been with Peter.


She's not a prostitute.

She's a businesswoman.

And I've got nothing to
do with it, all right?

Then why was she here?

And why did she say
she was a prostitute?

And why did you just
pay her 12 pounds?

All good questions.

Come on, Pete!

You're right.

She is a prostitute, and I
have been sleeping with her.

What is the matter with you?


You whoremonger.

[WHISPERING] Thanks, son.


Chloe, wait!

Listen to me!

It wasn't me who slept with her.

It was dad who slept with her.

And she's not even a prostitute.

Oh come on, Pete.

No, seriously.

You have to believe me.
Here he is.

Look, dad.
Tell her.

Tell her the truth.

Tell her it was you
that slept with her.

Frank repay the favor?

I'm sorry, Peter.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, no he won't!

Goodbye, Pete.

But Chloe--

Oh, it's all over.

And as a rather gloomy Pete
makes himself a consolation cup

of tea, the final indignity--
that milk that Chloe got

is once again off.

Aye, and Manfred

didn't waste any
time getting his Mick

Hucknall poster back up.

I don't know about you,
Terry, but I think Mick

Hucknall is losing his looks.

Well, that's it from us.

Join us again next time
when Pete takes on life.

[music playing]