Pete Versus Life (2010–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Mum's Cleaner - full transcript

Pete's mum Noreen has broken her arm and engaged a cleaner,Polish Gracja,who appears to be a good Catholic girl but is a right little raver desperate to screw Pete's brains out. She wants his body - which is how he ends up as a catwalk model at her fashion show, leading to an embarrassing encounter with his parents,who,thanks to his efforts to impress Gracja,take him to be a heroin addict. Just as disastrous is his stint as a dog walker for a befuddled old lady. When her dog is apparently killed in his care he buys a replacement,only for the original pooch to inevitably come home.

[music playing]


And you join us
with Pete applying

for a job as a dog walker.

A bit of a come down from a
sports journalist, tell.

Well, I know Des Lynam
used to supplement his income

by stealing copper wiring
from the railway lines

during the football offseason.

Ah, no wonder he could
walk away from "Countdown."

I'm not quite as fit
as I was, am I, Glynn?

Well, I don't know, I think
you still look very sprightly.

Thank you.

You know, relatively.

But gone are the days
when I used to play

golf with Glynn twice a week.


He was very good.

He had a nine handicap.

I bet he can give it a
right good old whack.

[laughs] Not this Glynn.

Glynn was my husband.


[laughs] You thought
my dog played golf.

[laughs] No, I
[inaudible] I could just

see he's an extraordinary dog.

And if any dog was capable of
playing golf, it would be him.

Did you hear that, Glynn?

Isn't he nice?

So, have I got the job?

We'll let you know.

All right.

Well, while Pete's waiting
for Glynn's decision,

he's paying a visit
to his mom and dad.

Yeah, two weeks
ago Noreen dislocated

a shoulder line dancing.
- Ow.

This is Pete's first
visit since the incident.

I mean, that's pretty
shoddy, considering

he spent most of last week just
watching a box set of "Nick

Hancock's Football Nightmares."

Yeah, I bet my
football nightmare

won't be on there, Colin.
- What's that?

Well, I got caught
attacking Alex

Ferguson's car with a hammer.


Now, I'm going to make
you a nice cup of tea.


Aren't you going to
give your mom a hand?

I can manage.


But Mom, any chance
of a little toasty?


Thank you.

Oh, excuse.

Ah, hello, Gracja.

Oh, this is Peter, our son.

We've hired Gracja to help
your mom around the house,

while she's incapacitated.

- Hello.
- Hello.

How are you?

Gracja Jublovsky--

Polish and a student
at art college.

Oh, I get cleaning things?


Oh, Frank, it's your film?


Oh, yes, yes, that's mine.

It's Polish.

Yes, well, Kieslowski
has always been

one of my favorite directors.

I've always been drawn
to the East Europeans.

They've always been prepared to
take on darker subject matter.

I always thought you were
more of a Clint Eastwood man.

Well, I like some
of Eastwood's work--

"Unforgiven," "Letters
from Iwo Jima."

And the ones
with the orangutan.

Here we are.

Hello, Mum.

Dad was just saying
how much he likes

Eastern European
filmmakers, because they're

not afraid to tackle the
darker subject matter.


But his favorite is
"Midsummer Murders."

And he always says, how can one
village have so many murders?

And I always laugh.

Noreen, please.

Excuse, I clean upstairs?


Nice to meet.

Nice to meet you as well.

Oh, she's a lovely girl.

Pete, you should ask her out.

I mean, she must be a bit
lonely, just over from Poland

and all that.

And she's a good Catholic girl.

How is that a recommendation?

Oh, you, you go?


It's shame.

Actually, me and
my new flatmate

were going to have a
party at our house.

And do you fancy it?

Do you want to come?

Thank you.

Oh, yes, would like to come.

That's good.

Frank, isn't that lovely?

Yeah, very good.

Oh, never play poker,
Frank, because that's

what's known as a tell.

Oh, what a result.
It looks like Pete's

got that dog-walking job.

TERRY MCILROY: Yeah, well,
throwing a purple plastic pig

over his shoulder is not really
fulfilling the walking part

of the job description, is it?

word, what's this?

He's heading straight
for the A406.

Ken, Ken.

COLIN KING: Oh, he's
forgotten his name.

Glynn, Glynn.

could bad, Terry.



COLIN KING: Oh no, he's gone.


He's just gone.

It makes you realize
how fleeting life is,

and that we should all be
living every moment to the full.

I for one, at the
earliest opportunity,

I'm going to get myself
a full booba check-up.

The works-- I don't
care what it costs.

I think you speak
for all of us, Colin.

Sorry, Mrs.
Dobbs, Glynn's dead.

I know.



A man from the RAF
came, told me he'd

been sucked into a jet engine.

Oh, no.

No, not that Glynn--

the dog one.

Oh, no.

It's OK.

Oh, no.

So, where is Glynn?

He's in heaven.

No, I mean, where's his body?

All right, then.

COLIN KING: Oh, this is going
to be a tough one, Terry.

I couldn't find it.

But there can't not be a body.

Now, I think it's
best now not to think

about these things, because
he's in a better place now,

isn't he?


OK, Mrs. Dobbs, I'm
going to make a move now.

You know, it's because
I'm so completely alone.

I'll miss him putting his
head in my lap and saying,

don't worry, old girl,
everything will be all right.

Sorry, which-- yep,
best not to know.

So now all I've got is Glynn.


My goldfish.

Well, they're not exactly
partying like it's 1999.

Yeah, more like it 1649,
when infamous fun sponge

Oliver Cromwell ruled the land.

Well, there he
is, as portrayed

by Richard Harris,
who funnily enough did

know how to enjoy himself.

Oh, aye.

Well, this is shit, isn't it?

It's all right, mate.

Do you mind if I
turn the telly on?

No, you can't
turn the telly on.

There's going to be a party.

Well, the important thing
is not to feel humiliated.

I don't.

But there's no one here, Pete.

It's like you've
literally got no friends.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Let's all share a secret.

It'll be bonding.

I'll go first.

So I got a massive erection when
I saw my grandmother's corpse.

COLIN KING: Whoa, no
one saw that one coming.

[doorbell rings]


I'll go.

That was just a
practice one, hey.

My real secret is that I
have a funny middle name.

Oh, what is it?


Well, Manfred is
Pete's new flatmate.

He's taking over from Curt.

Manfred also hails
from Zimbabwe.

His father wanted him out of
the country, for safety reasons.

Yeah, plus he was getting
on his dad's tits.

Peter, she says she's
a friend of yours.



Oh my god, you look amazing.

But I wouldn't want to show
my mom, but it's really nice.

Thank you.
I designed myself.

I did fashion course in college.
- Oh, yeah.

I hope you don't mind,
but this my friend.


Yeah, yeah, the more
the merrier Right, mate?


I had a bit of an
upsetted day, actually.

This dog I was with ran into
the road, got run over and died.

Why you care?

It's just dog.

COLIN KING: Oh, Pete was
expecting some sympathy there.

But these East Europeans
are a no-nonsense bunch.

50 years of queuing up

for bread in a blizzard
will do that to you.

Oh, hi.

It's Mick.

He's at art school too.

He's sculptor.

- When I'm off my fucking tits.
- [inaudible]

As it happens, just about
to do some [inaudible]..

Do you fancy a hit?

- Ah, no thank you.
- What?

Why not?

Ah, I'm not
really in the mood.

I thought this was
supposed to be a party, not

a Boy Scouts meeting.

Oh, Pete not Boy Scout.

Are you Pete?


No, I'd absolutely
love to do some crack.

But the truth is I'm
something else at the moment.

I don't really want
to mix it, you know?

What was that, then?

Little bit of
dope, or something?



You haven't got a wee
bit for me, have you?

No, I do not.

How much?

A gram.

A gram?

Jesus, that was a
bit risky, wasn't it?

Ah, I'm used to it, mate.

I'm just ah [sighs] just
coming down now, actually.

That's why I've got this glass
of wine and this cracker.

You know, take the edge off.

Well, you need to [inaudible]

Tell me about it.

[sighs] Actually, I'm might see
if I can find a better cheese,

to liven up this cracker.

Fair enough.

Oh, heroin.

What is like?

Ah, it's a bit like a really
nice warm bath [inaudible]

[inaudible] I like.

Actually, if I can't
get hold of [inaudible]..

I just make do with the
[inaudible] and the hot bath.

It actually works out cheaper.

I like you.

COLIN KING: Snogged while
sitting on a sausage

roll-- the sort of
thing that happened

at Freddie Mercury's parties.

Blow me.

Now we go upstairs.


Ah, Sonya.

This is my friend.

She always [inaudible]
- [laughs]

I take home.


No, just put her in a cab.

No, could drown in own vomit.

Mm-mm, not if you put her
in the recovery position,

and give the driver an
extra couple of quid.

Sorry, Pete.

But next time I, how you
say, screw your brains.

Is that right?

Am I saying it right?
Screw brains.

You're getting the
gist across, yeah.

Ah, good.

Come on, Sonya.


Come on, let's get up now.

COLIN KING: So a new day dawns,
and look at the state of Pete.

miracle he can walk.

Manfred, come here.

Someone's nicked
our bloody boiler.

Oh [inaudible] Mind you,
beautiful workmanship.

Look how those pipes
have been braised off.

Must be one of them
Poles from last night.

If it was an English bloke,
we'd be knee deep in water.

It's a piece of art.

I'll call the filth.

[doorbell rings]

Oh no, it's the door now.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Dobbs.

Are you busy at the moment?


No, you can come in if you want.

I was just wondering,
is there any chance at all

that he might come back?

Is that Glynn the dog, or?


Honestly, no.

I wish there was, but no.

But surely, if the
price were right,

Glynn might somehow reappear.

I'm not saying the two
things would be connected.


No, you've got the wrong idea.

I'm just saying,
perhaps if you

were to receive 1,000 pounds.


Mrs Dobbs, this isn't
a matter of money.

Glynn really is dead.

There's no need for you
to decide straight away.

I'm just planting a seed.

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

GRACJA: Hello, Pete.

Oh, hello,
Gracja, how are you?

GRACJA: Your parents' house.

You come, I screw your brains.


I'm just-- I'm just with
someone at the moment.

I can see you're busy.


I'll see myself out.


GRACJA: And what you do to me?

I'd really like to ah

- Bye
- Bye.

GRACJA: Tell me.

I'd really like to
come all over your tits.

GRACJA: Oh, Pete, I like.

Did you say something?



Oh, that's a relief.



I'll see you in half an hour.

I think that's
the most excited

Pete's ever been about a
visit to his parents' house.

And Pete's off to a
flyer, with his mom

and dad's cleaner, Gracja.

like the feisty one, Colin.

You like?

doing it mom and dad's

bedroom was the limit of
sexual deviance for Pete,

so this could be
a bridge too far.

I'm probably all
right, you know?

We try.

OK, now I screw your brains.

COLIN KING: Have a look
at his face, Terry.

Frightened, yet aroused.

TERRY MCILROY: Much like Nick
Clegg being interviewed by


COLIN KING: Indeed, Terry,
but no time to dwell.

NOREEN: Hooey, Gracja, I'm home.

word, it's a disaster.

Mom and Dad back
early from the shops

And look at the effect that's
had on Pete's genitals.

similar to a puffer

fish when it's no longer
frightened of a predator.

desperate to get out of there.


Nobody likes getting caught
by Mom and Dad handcuffed

to the bed.

COLIN KING: Particularly Dad.

Come on, Pete.

He's dealing with a
chance, as long as nobody

comes upstairs for a minute.

FRANK: Just walking
upstairs for a wiggle.

COLIN KING: Oh no, that's just
what he didn't want to hear.

hardly watch this, Colin.

COLIN KING: [laughs]

[toilet flushing]

Hello, Dad.


Oh, Peter, I didn't
know you were here.

Yeah, I just popped
over to show Gracja

my under-14 football cup.

COLIN KING: Oh, some very nimble
footwork from Pete there--

worthy of the great Maradona.

TERRY MCILROY: Yeah, before
you became a big fat cheat.

It's no good.

It's no real silver.

- We should get going.
- Don't you mind.

Let me take [inaudible]

Will you put that back for me?


Hmm, quick word, Pete.

You forgot these.

They're not mine.

Well, they certainly don't
belong to me and your mother.

It wasn't my idea, Dad.
She's wild.

Don't blame Gracja.

At least be a
gentleman about it.

She's a freak, man.

She's up for anything.

Oh, come off it That girl,
Gracja, up for anything?


No, no, I won't have it.

Gracja, up for anything?



Can I have those back?

Ah, no.

I'm busy next days.

[inaudible] has graduation show.

But you come to show, and
after I screw your brains.

As promised I'll um,
you know, on your tits.

Oh, I like.

Naughty boy.
- Oh.

and look at Frank.


It's a terrible thing--
like a footballer that

can no longer play the game.

pick it up with Pete

going back to Mrs.
Dobbs's his house,

with what looks like Glynn.

not Gynn, it's Larry.

Pete's taken the
bold step of buying

her a new, almost identical
dog, from a rather scary farmer.

The farmer [inaudible],,
and he would

just assume shoot the dog.

[gun shot]

Well, sounds brutal.

But in their culture
shooting a dog quite normal,

so let us not judge them.


Hi, Mrs. Dobbs.

I know how upset you've
been about losing Glynn.

So I've taken the liberty
of getting you a completely

new dog, just like him.

He's called Larry.


Oh, you brought Glynn back.

Oh, if only Glynn
were here to see this.

No, this isn't Glynn.

I missed you so much.


No, Mrs. Dobbs,
this isn't Glynn.

It's a completely
different, new dog.

Oh, have you missed me?

Have you?

Oh, yes you have.

Mrs. Dobbs,
you've got it wrong.

I missed you so much.

No, no, this isn't Glynn.

It just looks like Glynn.

Now, did we say 1,000 pounds?


Didn't we say 1,000 pounds,
for Glynn's safe return?


Take it.

COLIN KING: This is now a
character-defining moment

for Pete.

Well, I suppose
it wouldn't do--

Wait a minute,
this isn't Glynn.

This isn't my dog.

Well, that's exactly what
I've been trying to tell you.

Where's Glynn?

What have you done with Glynn?

I haven't got Glynn.

Glynn died.


- Come on, Larry.
- Peter Griffiths?


Is that our boiler?

[inaudible] but I wasn't.

I was bringing it back
to you [inaudible]

All right, all right.

Is this true?

Gracja said it was OK.

Remember Gracja?


No, it's true.

He's telling the truth.

Here you go.


Well, I'll leave
him out there, then.

Five alpha.

What'd you nick my boiler for?

You know what it's
like when you need a hit.

You'd nick anything,
wouldn't you?

Yeah, but-- if you need
money and you're really

good at plumbing, why don't
you just do some plumbing?

I've had a belly full of it.

The boiler keeps [inaudible]
The water's not coming

on when it's in holiday mode.

I'm sick of them all.

I'm an artist.

And when one of my
giant [inaudible] sells,

I can make 60, 70 quid a piece.

I'm sure you can
get that in an hour,

if you just do some plumbing.

Oh, you just don't
get it, do you?

You're not the
dog walker, are you?

No, what?

We had a report
of a dog walker

called Pete Griffiths kidnapping
a dog-- a golden retriever.

I don't know,
because I'm actually

severely allergic to dogs.

Get on.


Mrs. Dobbs.

You found Glynn.

Oh no, Mrs. Dobbs,
this isn't Glynn.

This is Larry, the
replacement dog I bought.

Do you remember?

What's this naughty
man been doing to you?

Can you confirm
this is your dog?

Oh, yes.

No, it's because she's mad.

She calls everything Glynn.

He's naughty kidnapping
you, wasn't he, Glynn?

I didn't kidnap--

your dog got splattered.

If you want the
body, it's a patch

of fur on the north circular.


Come with me.

of all the things

I thought Pete might
get a criminal record

for, kidnapping a dog only
sixteenth on the list.

There it is, sandwiched
between arson and murder.

Hang on a minute.

This isn't my dog.

This isn't Glynn.

See, I told you
her dog was dead.

It would have been really quick.

Glynn wouldn't have felt
a thing-- probably not.

It's all right.

It's better, I know.


You must think me a
silly, senile old woman.


At my age, I don't suppose
it will be long before I

should be with Glynn anyway.

Sorry, which?

Oh, I suppose it
doesn't matter, does it?

They're both dead.

Mind you, you've still got
your lovely little goldfish,

haven't you?

No, Glynn passed on.

The cat got him.

Oh no, I'm really
sorry to hear that.

I suppose the cat's called, um--



[dog barking]

COLIN KING: Oh my word,
that's Glynn the dog.

I'd stake my career on it.

Terry, it's the happy
ending we're all hoping for.

Glynn, it's really
you this time.


Hang on.

This is Glynn, isn't it?

Well, that's Larry.

His collar says Glynn.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, Glynn, Glynn

Ow, you bloody dog.

What's your problem?

I mean, it's really
nice to have you back.

Hi, Glynn.

It is.

Yeah, Glynn within his
rights to be angry with Pete.

Very poor supervision
skills from the Watford lad

in the park that time.
- Well, that's right.

And if we take a look
at the footage again,

we can see that what Pete
thought was a patch of fur

was actually a flattened
out bag of cement.

COLIN KING: [laughs]
Page one mistake


So will you be needing
anyone to walk Glynn?


Yes, you're great,
aren't you, Larry?

Yes, you are.

We had a dog just like
him back in Zimbabwe.

And he was just as cute
as you are, wasn't he?


But he killed a zebra,
so we had to drown him.

Well, don't get too attached.

I'm going to stick
him on eBay later.

[phone rings]

Hello, Gracja.

GRACJA: I want your body, Pete.

Yeah, OK.

Thanks, Pete.

You saved my life.

That's all right.

I've always quite
fancied being a model.

of Gracja's models

had to drop out on short notice.

[inaudible] been offered 50 quid
cash to cut someone's hedge.

wise to make money now,

because his degree's in drama.


And after show, I screw
brains for only time.


What do you mean only time?

I graduate.

I go home.

I fly in morning.

You're leaving, why?

Your economy is fucked.

Oh, the economy
will pick up again.

It always does.


But this one time tonight
will be best scew of life.

Oh, OK.

ANNOUNCER: And now please
welcome the collection

of Gracja [inaudible]

You walk.

here he comes, wearing

a kilt in Cavendish top.

And for anyone who missed
it, that shirt says,

Priest munch penis big time.

Yeah, not one to wear

at a christening, Colin.

COLIN KING: No, indeed.

Although, Pete managing to
shake off those early nerves,

and really getting
into his stride.


Hiya, Mom.

I'm really sorry, Mom.

I have never been so
embarassed in all my life.

What are you
doing here anyway?

We came to support Gracja
Well, Frank had Googled her

and found out about the show.

Yeah, well, I was Googling
all sorts-- not just Gracja.

Well, I didn't design
the clothes, did I?

All I know is she was a
nice girl before she met you.

Do you know, the other
day, him and Gracja

were having sex in our room?

We didn't actually
have time to have sex.

Well, you had time to
put on a pair of handcuffs,

though, didn't you?

What else were you
going to make her do?

What else?

What else?

Oh, Peter.

Certainly not the sort of
thing I was doing at your age.

- Pete.
- Hello, mate.

Sorry, we're just in the
middle of something here.

I wouldn't ask if I had
anywhere else to go,

but I couldn't top you
up for scag, could I?

What are you talking about?

Have you got any herioin,
you fucking dickhead?

Sorry, I'm just
a bit-- you know.

What's going on, Peter?

Nothing, nothing.

Why would I have any heroin?

Because you were
off your fucking

tits on it the other night.

You use all the time.

- No, I don't.
- You do.

You did a gram the other night.

You have to be hardcore
to handle a hit like that.

No, I didn't.

Honest, Mom.

You were tripping out
your skull, you wee fuck.

Oh, Peter.

Wait a sec, Pete.

I know you've got some winners.

I haven't got any.
I haven't got any heroin.

Go off.

Kiss off, you bastard.

God, Jesus Christ,
sorry about that.

Oh, Peter.

I knew it.

That's why you've
been so listless

and unmotivated all these years.

I'm not on drugs,
I'm just lazy.

No one is that lazy.

Look at these marks.

Oh, a dog bit me.

You know, that one
that got run over.

You need to go cold turkey.

I'm not going cold turkey,
because I'm not on drugs

You're coming on
with us right now.

And we're going to
barricade you in your room,

till you've got this evil
need out of your system.

Fuck off.

Peter, you can cut
that language out.

I have never taken
heroin, all right?

There will be a
lot of lies like that

over the next few days.

That's what they do.

Look, I've got things
planned this evening.

So I'm going to go, all right?

See you later.

Can you undo these, please?

The keys are back home.

You're coming with us.

No, Dad, you don't understand.

It's Gracja's last night,
and she's promised to--

No, Peter.

You'll thank us when
you're off the smack.

Oh, hello, Noreen.

Sorry for show.

I expect it was Peter's fault.

So Pete, you ready to go?

I've just got a problem.

We just found out he is a
long-standing substance abuser.

I know, he take heroin.

Oh, I say wrong thing.

Oh, there's no need to
protect him now, Gracja.

Gracja, do you think
that even like this

me and you could still

Goodbye, Pete.

Get well.

No need to get well, I'm fine.

Come on, come on, let's go.

Oh, dear.

And as Pete is dragged away by
his dad, that image of Gracja

and what might have been
will haunt him-- if not

the rest of his life, certainly
for the next five days,

while he's locked
in his room trying

to shake off a non-existent
heroin addiction.

Oh, he gets up to some
tricks, doesn't he, Colin?

[laughs] He does, he does.


Well, that's all
we have time for.

Join us again next time, when
once again Pete takes on life.

[music playing]