Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 4 - Tooth or Consequences - full transcript

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kinda change ♪

♪ No matter
what the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Wings of my dream ♪

♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

[groans]

Hurry up, Balki.
We’re gonna be late for work.

Oh, just a minute, cousin

I’m‐I’m almost finished
with my breakfast.

[screams]



Is something wrong?

No.

Why?

You screamed.

Oh‐ho‐ho, that!

Well, um, as a matter of fact

I do have a little pain
in my tooth, but it’s nothing.

Well, it doesn’t sound
like nothing.

What does it feel like?

Well, ahem. It‐it feels like

someone is hammering

a huge nail...

...up...inside my head...

...and...twisting it...

‐I got it.
‐...and turning it.

I got it, I got the picture.
I got the picture.

Balki, buddy, it sounds
like you’ve got a cavity.

A cavity is a hole
in your tooth.

When we get to the office
I’ll call and make

an appointment for you
with my dentist.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, sir.

I’m not going to no dentist.

I’ll go on a liquid diet

I’ll have my jaw hot‐wired

but I’m not going to no dentist

not no way, not no how.

Oh, you would love it.

Oh, it’s too bad
you don’t wanna go.

’Cause they let you sit in a
chair that goes up and down.

Really?

Oh, and they spray water

in your mouth.

They do?

And when you leave
they give you balloons!

Oh, a trip to the dentist
is like a visit

to the amusement park.

It’s too bad
you don’t wanna go.

I want to go to the dentist!

Well...okay, we’ll make
an appointment for you.

Oh, thank you, cousin.

[instrumental music]

Aren’t you supposed to be making
your afternoon deliveries?

I finished, Mr. Gorpley.

Aren’t you supposed to be
sorting the mail?

I finished.

I want to be all ready

when Cousin Larry
comes out and says

"It’s time to go
to the dentist!"

You’re in a hurry
to go to the dentist?

Cousin Larry says it’s more fun
than an amusement park.

Well, actually, it’s more
like the House of Horrors.

[laughing]

Especially when
you see...the drill.

Cousin Larry didn’t mention...

...the drill.

The drill is the
greatest instrument

of torture since alimony.

The dentist uses it
to drill holes in your teeth.

Well, ain’t I the lucky one?

I won’t be needing the drill

because I already got a hole
in my tooth.

See? See that?

See that?

Lovely.

Well, just wait until
the dentist uses the drill

to make that hole bigger

and deeper

and wider...and...

[groaning]

God, I wish I hadn’t dropped out
of dental college.

Well, have fun, Bartokomous,
I’m going to lunch.

I’ll bring you back
a jawbreaker.

[giggles]

Tooth bothering you, Balki?

You didn’t tell me
about the drill.

‐Who told you about the drill?
‐Mr. Gorpley.

He tell me that the dentist
is going to take a drill

and make the hole in my tooth
bigger and wider and deeper

and that it’s going to hurt
more than alimony.

And we all remember
what happened at the alimony.

Did Mr. Gorpley scare you?

‐Well, he‐‐
‐Did he scare you?

Are you scared...
Are you scared of the dentist?

No, I’m not scared
of the dentist

scared of the dentist.

However...I’ve decided

that I don’t need

to go to the dentist.

I can learn to live
with the pain.

‐You can live with the pain?
‐Yes!

[screams]

You can’t live with the pain.

Balki, you’ve got to get
your tooth taken care of now.

If you don’t, it’ll only hurt
worse and be harder to fix.

But there’s‐there’s just
one little problem.

‐What’s that?
‐I’m afraid.

Oh...

I know, I know you’re afraid

but‐but I...I wouldn’t
make you do anything

that was bad for you.

Balki, remember the time
you were afraid

to have your picture taken?

Yeah.

’Cause you thought the camera

was gonna steal
part of your soul?

‐Yeah.
‐You remember what I said?

Yeah, you said, "Balki...

...don’t be stupid."

And you remember the time
you were afraid

to get into the elevator?

Yeah.

Because you thought it would
take you to the center

of the earth.

And you said, "Balki...

...don’t be stupid."

And now you ride the elevator
all the time

and that’s what’s happening now.

I’m riding the elevator?

No.

You’re being stupid.

Thank you, cousin.

[instrumental music]

I like that.

Do it again.

One ride per visit, Balki.

This is his first time
at the dentist.

Oh, I see.

I’m gonna put this little piece
of film in your mouth.

Open up. Ah‐ha.

Bite down gently on the... No!

On the tab

and be sure
to keep your mouth closed.

‐But‐‐
‐No, no, no!

It’s very important

to keep your mouth closed.

I’m just gonna take some X‐rays
of your tooth.

[Balki mumbling]

What?

He said, "X‐rays?
We didn’t talk about X‐rays."

In this business
you get used to people

talking with stuff
in their mouths.

Well, nothing to worry about.

An X‐ray is an invisible beam
that goes through your face

takes a picture of your tooth,
goes right out the other side.

It’s completely safe.

[mumbling]

What?

He said, "What if the X‐ray
gets stuck in my head

and makes a hole in my brain?"

Trust me.

[mumbling]

Well, you’ve got
a good point there.

Uh, I’ll‐I’ll just take this

and, uh, I, I think
I’ll let the doctor

look at him first
and then we’ll take the X‐rays.

[chuckles]

You know, you’re really being
a big baby about all this.

I’m sorry, cousin.

‐It’s okay.
‐Thank you.

Hmm.

Cousin...

...what, what is this?

Oh, look,
here’s the air blower.

‐No, not, not...
‐Whoo!

[laughs]

‐No, no...
‐Whoo!

‐Whoo!
‐No, no, no, no.

No, no.

Not that,
what is, what is this?

Oh, and here’s the water
sprayer.

No, not the...

No that...

Not that, cousin.

What‐what is this?

Oh, and look,
the saliva sucker.

No, not...

[groaning]

I’m just desperate to know...

...what is this.

Oh, that?

[whirring]

Would it be...

...the drill?

Yes, that’s the drill,

but it wont be painful.

It won’t hurt a bit
after you’re shot.

I’m going to be shot?

No, no. No.

Nothing like that.

The‐the doctor
is just gonna stick a needle

in your cheek.

‐I’m out of here.
‐Alright, no.

‐I’m out of here.
‐Just stay right there.

Hello, Larry, well, I hear
we have a nervous patient.

Hello, doctor.
Balki...

This is doctor Dr. Shukin.

Don’t you touch me.

I happen to be trained

in the marital art.

Stop it! Stop it!

He’s never had a cavity before.

Well, let’s take a look.

Now, open wide.

A little wider.

Al‐alright, alright.
Look, I tell you what.

Why don’t I let the doctor
look in my mouth first, okay?

And that way you’ll see that
nothing bad is going to happen.

Alright? Hmm?

[mumbling]

Alright, now, open wide.
Tell me if this hurts.

No.

How about this?

No. I told you
it wouldn’t hurt.

This?

[screaming]

What are you doing?

You’ve lost a filling.

Well, fine, I’ll make
an appointment for next month.

‐Balki, you’re up.
‐Oh, now, hold on, Larry.

You have to have this
taken care of today

or it could get much worse.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

Alright, now, I’m just
going to numb you tooth

so I can work on it.

No needles! No needles!

But, Larry, this is just
a little Novocain.

I don’t want any.
I don’t like being numb.

Oh, cousin, you’re not dumb.

Well, I guess
I’ll just have to give you gas.

Well, we did fill up
the tank this morning, but...

...I suppose we could
top it off.

Oh. No, no, no.

This is nitrous oxide.
Wont hurt him.

He’ll just
feel very relaxed

and maybe a little giggly.

How’s that feel, Larry?

Ah, it feels so much better.

So much better.

I mentioned how much better
I feel.

Now you just relax, Larry,
and I’ll be right back

after I check your X‐rays.

No problem.

Alright, Balki,
we’re out of here.

Oh, no, you don’t!

Keep that on.

[gasping]
What’re you doing?

Cousin, don’t you remember
you said to me that

sometimes we have to do things
that we’re afraid of

because it’s for our own good.

Alright, alright, alright.

Alright?

Balki, I am an adult.

I can make my own decisions.

And I have decided to leave
and there is nothing you can do

to make me stay!

[hissing]

Well, now you’ve done it.

I hope you’re satisfied.

We can fix it.

[gas hissing]

[both laughing]

Shh. Shh. Shh.

Cousin, cousin, I can fix it.

[laughing continues]

I need something sharp.

‐Something sharp?
‐Yeah.

How about this?

I’ve been shot.

I think you’re down a quart!

[both laughing]

I think you’re down a quart!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

‐I got an idea.
‐What?

We don’t need
no stinkin’ dentist.

‐You fill my tooth.
‐Okay.

♪ Oh po po ♪

♪ He will be drilling through
my molars when he drills ♪

♪ He’ll be drilling
through my molars... ♪

[muffled singing]

You know what?

‐You know what?
‐What?

There is not sufficient light
in this room

for me to fill your tooth.

So...

[laughs]

So, you’re going to have
to help me...

...move the chair.

Come on,
I’ll help you out of the chair.

Okay, cousin, ready?

Ready? One, two, three.

[both grunting]

‐Better?
‐Much.

‐Okay.
‐Thank you.

Oh, gosh. Okay, now
I’m gonna, gonna get that drill.

[laughing]

Cousin, cousin,
I can’t feel my arm.

You sure?
I can feel it.

[laughing continues]

Well, then, I must be okay.

Now I’m gonna go around
the other side...

Oh, dear.

[whirring]

Now...

Now, let’s have a look!

Open wide!

Stop!

What’s going on here?

Well, if you must know

I am about to perform
an Orel Hershiser.

[both laughing]

[instrumental music]

Well...it’s been a rich,
full day, hasn’t it?

You got that right.

We got our teeth filled...

...I got this very handsome pair
of gloves...

...and we learned how
to clean up a dentist’s office.

You know...

...I would have thought
Dr. Shukin would have been

more upset
about the mess we made.

Well, you know, I‐I think
it’s because he likes us.

I hear him tell his assistant
that he was going to put

a little something extra
on our bills.

That’s fair.

Cousin, I want to thank you
for making me go to the dentist

even though I didn’t want to.

Well, like I said...

...sometimes you have to do
things you’re afraid of.

Yeah, and when you do...

...it’s nice to have a friend
there to help you.

I’m glad you were with me.

Well, I’m glad
you were with me.

If you weren’t, I never
would have gotten over my fear

of needles.

Boy, that Novacaine
is powerful stuff!

Boy, tell me about it.

I didn’t feel a thing.

So, cousin,
going to the dentist

wasn’t all that bad.

But I can think about lot better
ways to spend an afternoon.

Yeah. I’ll drink to that.

Careful, Balki.

You’re dribbling
all over yourself.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]