Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Newsletter - full transcript
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you
just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street ♪
♪ A light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ And my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Yes, sir. Y‐yeah.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Walpole, I will get to it
as soon as I get a chance.
Yes, sir,
I do enjoy working here.
I’ll get to it right now.
G‐goodbye, sir.
Copy!
Never mind.
They have really got you
hopping today.
Oh, it’s...
You wouldn’t believe it, Lydia.
I have to interview an alderman
and research a six‐part series
on money laundering.
I just hope nobody dies
because I’m way behind
updating the obituaries.
[sighs]
That’s why I like writing
an advice column.
When the pressure
starts building
I do what I’m doing
this weekend.
Go to the Bahamas,
print a bunch of my old columns
and call it "The Best of Lydia."
Well, I’m afraid they won’t run
a "Best of the Obituaries."
W‐which reminds me, if I don’t
get all this research done
for Mr. Walpole,
I am a dead man.
Oh, face it, Larry, when they
say jump, you ask, "How high?"
Yeah, well, the next person
who asks me for something
is gonna get an earful
from Larry Appleton.
Appleton?
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!
I need a thousand word
background story
on the Burgess murder trial.
Yes, sir! I’m your man,
Mr. Wainwright.
But it might take a while.
Because I’m already researching
the money laundering scandal
and I have to interview
Alderman Bennett.
Appleton, if you’d learn
to budget your time
you’d be able
to get through all this.
‐Now, get on it!
‐Yes, sir.
Thanks for the tip, sir!
Guess you told him.
Cousin Larry,
hold on to your hat
because what I’m gonna tell you
is gonna knock your socks off!
I was just put in charge
of the Chronicle newsletter!
That’s nice.
Balki, congratulations!
Thank you, Ms. Lydia.
I love reading
the "Chronicle Chatter."
It is so fascinating
reading about people
I see every day
but would never socialize with.
Cousin, cousin,
isn’t that great news?
Don’t it make you
just want to sing and shout
and throw your body
to the floor!
‐Uh‐huh.
‐Come on, cousin!
Celebrate!
♪ Dance to the music ♪
‐How about it?
‐Yeah, that’s wonderful.
Cousin, I am
very excited about this
and I would like you
to share that excitement
and I would like that now.
I’m sorry, Balki.
That’s, that’s great news!
And a great opportunity for you!
If you do a good job,
you could become a real reporter
and get out of this basement.
Well, cousin,
you’re a real reporter
and you’re
still in this basement.
But I’m working
very hard to get out of it.
So, unfortunately, the answer
to your next question is no.
Wow!
I don’t even know what my next
question is going to be...
...and you already
know the answer.
Do you have ESPN?
No.
HBO?
No.
PMS?
No. No, no, no.
B‐Balki, the point I am trying
to make as quickly as possible
is that I know you would like
the advice of someone
who has had a lot
of experience in journalism.
Oh, cousin, I would! I would!
Could you introduce me
to someone like that?
No, I mean, I’m the one
who could help you.
Thank you, cousin!
But I’m just too busy.
Well, throw acid rain
on my parade.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Dimitri.
This part of the newsletter
is finished.
Couldn’t have done it
without your help.
Now, would you like to give
it your stamp of approval?
[squeaking]
Take five, babe.
‐Hi, Balki.
‐’Cousin!’
‐’How’s it going?’
‐Cousin, it’s going fantastic.
I finished all my articles
for the Chronicle newsletter.
Well, that’s terrific!
Now, we are so happy,
we do the dance of joy!
♪ Di di di di
di‐di di‐di ♪
♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey hey ♪
Well...
Let’s see
what you got here?
Cousin, I, I think
you’re really gonna like this.
I, I feel I’ve developed
my own unique style.
Some may liken it to Hemmingway
while others cite Kafka,
but you decide.
"The Chronicle’s favorite
advice‐columnist
"Ms. Lydia Markham, looks well
rested after her vacation
in the Bahamas."
Is that it?
Pretty good, huh?
"Mr. Gorpley has been looking
pretty snazzy all week
setting a good example
for the rest of us."
Oh, I, I editorialized a little
towards the end of that one.
I, I don’t know, I thought
it needed a little color
a little something,
a little snap.
‐Balki.
‐What?
This is all fluff.
Oh, thank you, cousin.
‐No.
‐That was my goal, you know.
But you don’t know,
you lose perspective
on a project like this.
You know, it’s all this‐‐
I mean, uh,
where is the real story?
You know, who cares
if Lydia looks well‐rested
or what Gorpley is wearing?
Balki, I’m afraid
this just isn’t good enough.
But I, I write it
just like they told me to.
If they told you to jump
would you ask, "How high?"
Well, of course not,
don’t be ridiculous.
I’d simply jump
as high as I possibly could
and hope it was good enough.
"Good enough"
doesn’t sound like you.
Who does it sound like?
The Balki I know
wouldn’t settle for good enough.
The Balki I know
would want to do his best.
The Balki I know would wanna
make this the best newsletter
in the history of newsletters!
I want to be
like the Balki you know!
You are the Balki I know.
Now, Balki,
if you wanna make this
this newsletter
something worth reading
then you’ve got to tell
the story behind the story.
You’ve got to dig deeper.
Telling your readers
that Gorpley
is well‐dressed isn’t enough.
You’ve got to tell them why
he is suddenly so well‐dressed.
Cousin, I want do that.
‐Good.
‐How I do that?
I’m going to tell you
how to do that.
‐I can’t wait.
‐Okay.
Now, to be a good reporter
you’ve got to know
how to use who, what,
when, where and why.
The five W’s of journalism.
‐What?
‐That’s one.
‐What one?
‐Exactly.
‐Exactly what?
‐Good.
And who is another.
I don’t know, who is another?
Right. And don’t forget where.
‐Where, what?
‐That’s two.
‐What’s two?
‐No, what’s one.
Who is another,
and you know where.
I don’t know where.
Sure you do.
What’s giving you trouble?
I don’t know
what’s giving me trouble.
But I know
who is giving me trouble.
No, who you’ve got.
‐Who I’ve got?
‐And you know where.
‐Where?
‐Exactly.
‐Exactly, what?
‐Perfect!
Just a couple more
and we’ll be done soon.
When?
Hey, you’re getting
pretty good at this.
Oo‐oo‐ooh, wow!
No, no. Why?
I don’t know why.
Well, you knew all the others.
‐When?
‐And where?
‐Where, what?
‐And why.
I don’t know why!
All I know
is I was sitting here gluing
you came in,
we did the dance of joy
you make some false promise
about another Balki
and now I’m totally confused
and emotionally drained.
Okay, calm down.
Calm down.
Are you alright?
Yes, I’m, I’m...
[clears throat]
I’m fine, thank you.
Alright, let’s start over again.
‐With what?
‐Yes.
[instrumental music]
(Gorpley)
’Bartokomous!’
It’s almost noon, I’m going
to lunch, I’ll be back at 4:00.
Uh, Mr. Gorpley, Mr. Gorpley.
Would you please
tell me how come
you’re so dressed up this week?
That’s for me to know
and you to find out.
Oh, I love guessing games
as much as the next guy,
you big kidder.
But, but I’m working
against a deadline.
And I’m working with an idiot.
Mr. Gorpley hires new employee.
Check it out.
How’s it going, Balki?
Well, cousin,
I’ve got some leads
but, but every time
I try to dig deeper
I wind up shoveling alone.
Well, if reporting were easy,
everybody would be doing it.
Hmm.
If you wanna be a good reporter
you’re gonna have
to change your tactics.
I put on a clean pair
this morning.
No, I mean,
you’re gonna have to find
new ways o‐of
getting your information.
If someone won’t talk to you,
talk to their friends
talk to their wives,
talk to their ex‐wives.
Well, what if
they’re not married
and they don’t have
any friends?
Well, then you have
to hang out in places
where you think
you can pick up information.
Uh, water cooler,
the lobby, the snack bar.
Who knows?
You might have to go incognito.
Oh, I don’t know, cousin.
I don’t care much
for Mexican food.
It always gives me
Monty Hall’s revenge.
No, I mean, you might
have to wear a disguise.
But, but, cousin, t‐that sounds
an awful lot like snooping.
It’s not snooping
if you’re writing it down.
Then, it’s journalism.
Oh‐h‐h!
Well, I’ve got to get this up
to Mr. Wainwright’s office.
Good luck with your newsletter.
Thanks.
Can I, can I push the button?
Alright, you push the button.
Oh! Oh! And don’t forget...
Bye‐bye.
No. No, not bye‐bye.
Quotes. Quotes.
Always get exact quotes.
Oh, right. Right, right, right.
Quotes. Quotes.
‐Oh, hi, guys.
‐Hi, Ms. Lydia.
Wainwright’s still running you
around like a madman, Larry?
Lydia, would you believe
this is the third time
he’s had me rewrite
this murder story?
He said I mentioned murder
too many times.
If you ask me, Mr. Wainwright
is not playing with a full deck.
"Mr. Wainwright is not playing
with a full deck."
What a great...
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!
Get your copy
of the "Chronicle Chatter"
under new management.
‐Here you go, cousin.
‐Ah.
Thank you, Balki.
It’s, it’s, it’s hot
off the presses.
I’ll get to it later.
Read it before
they wrap fish in it.
I guess you want me
to read this now.
Only if you have time.
I’ll make the time.
I was hoping to read
this before you went to press
but I’ve been so busy.
Eh, cousin,
it’s okay, it’s okay.
We both had papers to put out.
[laughing]
Oh, Bartokomous,
I have got to admit it.
This is the best thing
I have seen in years.
Thank you, Mr. Gorpley.
Well, didn’t I tell you
people would love it?
Well, I’m overcome!
But I can’t take all the credit.
Cousin Larry helped too.
Well, whoever wrote the story
about Lydia did a great job.
Well, you’re lookin’
right through him.
I mean, everybody thought
she went to the Bahamas
but you found out
she really went to Milwaukee
to have an eyelid tuck.
[laughing]
Nice going, Bartokomous!
Excuse me?
Yeah, well, it’s right next
to the Dimitri,
the sheep cartoon.
Oh, hmm.
That’s going to be
a regular feature.
I thought maybe later on I could
give it a political angle.
"If you’re wondering who had
what done where the answer is
"Ms. Lydia, the paper’s
favorite advice columnist
"went to Milwaukee
to get her eyelids tucked.
"When? Over the weekend.
"So if you get a chance,
compliment her
on her new peeper‐covers."
[chuckles]
How many of these
have you given out?
One to every employee
in the building
and I left a complimentary pile
in the lobby.
Okay, get your coat!
We’re getting out of here.
‐What?
‐Come on!
Huh?
I want some answers
and I want them now!
Lydia, I’m sure everything
can be explained.
I have been humiliated!
Held up to ridicule in front
of everyone in the building!
Who did this to you, Ms. Lydia?
They’ll have to answer to me!
Chill out, Lydia. I thought
the article was hilarious.
Peeper‐covers.
[laughing]
You are pretty cheerful
for a man
who doesn’t have long to live.
What are you talking about?
The article
about you and Maggie.
The what?
You mean, there’s another?
Oh, didn’t you read
the last page?
It’s equally hilarious.
Thank you very much. I, I do
try to accent the lighter side.
"Sam Gorpley,
looking very handsome
"in a pickled herring
bone suit...
"...was seen dining with who?
"Maggie Miner,
wife of sports editor
"and bodybuilder
Matt Miner, that’s who.
"Apparently Maggie has a sore
knee because Mr. Gorpley
was nice enough
to rub it all during lunch."
I’m a dead man.
But I’m taking somebody with me.
Oh! Okay, okay, uh, Balki.
[laughing]
They fell for it!
Let’s let them in
on our little joke.
There are only two copies of
the newsletter and you got them.
[laughing]
They’re all over the building.
Balki, I cannot believe that
you would write stuff like this.
You know,
I can hardly believe it myself.
I was afraid my writing would be
flat and pedestrian but...
...I just followed exactly
what Cousin Larry
told me to do and...
You can see the results.
But I, I didn’t help that much.
Oh, come on, cousin,
you’re being modest.
No, no! Listen,
the, the truth must be told.
Oh, I don’t know.
You see,
I was just going to write
that Ms. Lydia
went to the Bahamas
but Cousin Larry
kept saying no
you got to d‐i‐i‐ig
a little deeper.
(Balki)
’You got to dig
a little deeper.’
No, no! I‐I‐I didn’t, I didn’t.
See, he couldn’t...
He, he couldn’t. I only...
Appleton!
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!
Yes, sir. Yes, w‐what
can I do for you, sir?
Research? Filing?
Out‐of‐town assignment?
Explain this article
in the "Chronicle Chatter."
Oh, no, another one?
"If you’re wondering
what Mr. Wainwright might like
"in his Christmas stocking,
might I suggest
"a pack of playing cards.
"And why would
this be the ideal gift?
"Because, according
to Cousin Larry Appleton
Mr. Wainwright isn’t playing
with a full deck."
Uh, uh, uh...a full deck
i‐isn’t that a nautical term?
Mr. Wainwright, one less thing
to ask Santa for, huh?
I‐it was a mistake.
It, it wasn’t me.
I, I would never say anything
like that about you, sir.
I, I must have been misquoted.
No, cousin,
I was standing right...
No, no, no,
you taught me!
I was standing
right there and I caught
the exact quote
as it flew out of your mouth.
It was, it was
taken out of context!
It was, i‐i‐it had to be...
Have you lost weight?
Because that’s a very nice suit.
I‐i‐it matches your head.
Your hair.
The hair on your head.
‐Appleton,
‐Yes, sir?
‐You’re babbling.
‐Thank you, sir.
Appleton,
when you’re coherent, call me.
You bet I will, sir.
Mr. Wainwright
and Mr. Gorpley in fashion war.
Check it out!
I’m Matt Miner.
And I’m looking for Sam Gorpley.
(Lydia and Gorpley)
That’s him!
Oh.
[instrumental music]
(Larry)
’Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.’
Totally.
Totally, totally uncalled for.
Yes...y‐yes, but...
I really meant that about
the weight loss, though.
You’re, you’re looking,
you’re looking very very...
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Balki, good news.
I’m off the hook
with Wainwright.
He was very gracious.
Balki, how long
do you plan on wearing
the Myposian Mantle
of a Thousand Itches?
Well, Myposian law
states I must wear it
one year for every person I
offended and let me see...
...I offended seven people,
so...
...I think we’re looking
at a seven year itch.
Balki, I really think you’re
carrying this a little too far.
No, no, cousin.
If I was carrying this
too far...
...I’d be wearing the
Boxer Shorts of Eternal Chafing.
Balki, in America
when you offend someone
a verbal apology is sufficient.
Unless you offend a large
segment of the population
uh, then you get
a Presidential pardon.
You mean, if I, if I write
everyone I offended
a verbal apology,
I’ll be okay?
In a manner of speaking.
Well, then I think I’ll do that.
Okay, well,
let’s, let’s take this off.
Ah!
[grunts]
[sighs]
Wool.
A‐after I deliver
all my apologies...
...I‐I’ll, I’ll resign
from the newsletter.
Balki, you don’t have
to do that.
‐You did a good job.
‐I did?
Yeah, the first newsletter
you wrote was pretty good.
All it needed
was a little fine tuning.
And I’m sure
you’ll do a terrific job
if I stay out of your way.
Cousin,
would you do that for me?
You bet I would.
Thank you, cousin.
I just have one question.
How did you find out about
Gorpley’s lunch date
with Maggie Miner?
Oh, I, I followed
your suggestion
and I went undercover.
[American accent]
Hi, my name’s Bart,
I’ll be your waiter today.
Uh...
Let me just, uh, put
your drink order in real quick
and then I’ll be back
to explain our specials
and get you started
on our salad bar.
[theme music]
[music continues]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you
just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street ♪
♪ A light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ And my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Yes, sir. Y‐yeah.
Yes, sir.
Mr. Walpole, I will get to it
as soon as I get a chance.
Yes, sir,
I do enjoy working here.
I’ll get to it right now.
G‐goodbye, sir.
Copy!
Never mind.
They have really got you
hopping today.
Oh, it’s...
You wouldn’t believe it, Lydia.
I have to interview an alderman
and research a six‐part series
on money laundering.
I just hope nobody dies
because I’m way behind
updating the obituaries.
[sighs]
That’s why I like writing
an advice column.
When the pressure
starts building
I do what I’m doing
this weekend.
Go to the Bahamas,
print a bunch of my old columns
and call it "The Best of Lydia."
Well, I’m afraid they won’t run
a "Best of the Obituaries."
W‐which reminds me, if I don’t
get all this research done
for Mr. Walpole,
I am a dead man.
Oh, face it, Larry, when they
say jump, you ask, "How high?"
Yeah, well, the next person
who asks me for something
is gonna get an earful
from Larry Appleton.
Appleton?
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!
I need a thousand word
background story
on the Burgess murder trial.
Yes, sir! I’m your man,
Mr. Wainwright.
But it might take a while.
Because I’m already researching
the money laundering scandal
and I have to interview
Alderman Bennett.
Appleton, if you’d learn
to budget your time
you’d be able
to get through all this.
‐Now, get on it!
‐Yes, sir.
Thanks for the tip, sir!
Guess you told him.
Cousin Larry,
hold on to your hat
because what I’m gonna tell you
is gonna knock your socks off!
I was just put in charge
of the Chronicle newsletter!
That’s nice.
Balki, congratulations!
Thank you, Ms. Lydia.
I love reading
the "Chronicle Chatter."
It is so fascinating
reading about people
I see every day
but would never socialize with.
Cousin, cousin,
isn’t that great news?
Don’t it make you
just want to sing and shout
and throw your body
to the floor!
‐Uh‐huh.
‐Come on, cousin!
Celebrate!
♪ Dance to the music ♪
‐How about it?
‐Yeah, that’s wonderful.
Cousin, I am
very excited about this
and I would like you
to share that excitement
and I would like that now.
I’m sorry, Balki.
That’s, that’s great news!
And a great opportunity for you!
If you do a good job,
you could become a real reporter
and get out of this basement.
Well, cousin,
you’re a real reporter
and you’re
still in this basement.
But I’m working
very hard to get out of it.
So, unfortunately, the answer
to your next question is no.
Wow!
I don’t even know what my next
question is going to be...
...and you already
know the answer.
Do you have ESPN?
No.
HBO?
No.
PMS?
No. No, no, no.
B‐Balki, the point I am trying
to make as quickly as possible
is that I know you would like
the advice of someone
who has had a lot
of experience in journalism.
Oh, cousin, I would! I would!
Could you introduce me
to someone like that?
No, I mean, I’m the one
who could help you.
Thank you, cousin!
But I’m just too busy.
Well, throw acid rain
on my parade.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Dimitri.
This part of the newsletter
is finished.
Couldn’t have done it
without your help.
Now, would you like to give
it your stamp of approval?
[squeaking]
Take five, babe.
‐Hi, Balki.
‐’Cousin!’
‐’How’s it going?’
‐Cousin, it’s going fantastic.
I finished all my articles
for the Chronicle newsletter.
Well, that’s terrific!
Now, we are so happy,
we do the dance of joy!
♪ Di di di di
di‐di di‐di ♪
♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪
♪ Hey hey hey ♪
Well...
Let’s see
what you got here?
Cousin, I, I think
you’re really gonna like this.
I, I feel I’ve developed
my own unique style.
Some may liken it to Hemmingway
while others cite Kafka,
but you decide.
"The Chronicle’s favorite
advice‐columnist
"Ms. Lydia Markham, looks well
rested after her vacation
in the Bahamas."
Is that it?
Pretty good, huh?
"Mr. Gorpley has been looking
pretty snazzy all week
setting a good example
for the rest of us."
Oh, I, I editorialized a little
towards the end of that one.
I, I don’t know, I thought
it needed a little color
a little something,
a little snap.
‐Balki.
‐What?
This is all fluff.
Oh, thank you, cousin.
‐No.
‐That was my goal, you know.
But you don’t know,
you lose perspective
on a project like this.
You know, it’s all this‐‐
I mean, uh,
where is the real story?
You know, who cares
if Lydia looks well‐rested
or what Gorpley is wearing?
Balki, I’m afraid
this just isn’t good enough.
But I, I write it
just like they told me to.
If they told you to jump
would you ask, "How high?"
Well, of course not,
don’t be ridiculous.
I’d simply jump
as high as I possibly could
and hope it was good enough.
"Good enough"
doesn’t sound like you.
Who does it sound like?
The Balki I know
wouldn’t settle for good enough.
The Balki I know
would want to do his best.
The Balki I know would wanna
make this the best newsletter
in the history of newsletters!
I want to be
like the Balki you know!
You are the Balki I know.
Now, Balki,
if you wanna make this
this newsletter
something worth reading
then you’ve got to tell
the story behind the story.
You’ve got to dig deeper.
Telling your readers
that Gorpley
is well‐dressed isn’t enough.
You’ve got to tell them why
he is suddenly so well‐dressed.
Cousin, I want do that.
‐Good.
‐How I do that?
I’m going to tell you
how to do that.
‐I can’t wait.
‐Okay.
Now, to be a good reporter
you’ve got to know
how to use who, what,
when, where and why.
The five W’s of journalism.
‐What?
‐That’s one.
‐What one?
‐Exactly.
‐Exactly what?
‐Good.
And who is another.
I don’t know, who is another?
Right. And don’t forget where.
‐Where, what?
‐That’s two.
‐What’s two?
‐No, what’s one.
Who is another,
and you know where.
I don’t know where.
Sure you do.
What’s giving you trouble?
I don’t know
what’s giving me trouble.
But I know
who is giving me trouble.
No, who you’ve got.
‐Who I’ve got?
‐And you know where.
‐Where?
‐Exactly.
‐Exactly, what?
‐Perfect!
Just a couple more
and we’ll be done soon.
When?
Hey, you’re getting
pretty good at this.
Oo‐oo‐ooh, wow!
No, no. Why?
I don’t know why.
Well, you knew all the others.
‐When?
‐And where?
‐Where, what?
‐And why.
I don’t know why!
All I know
is I was sitting here gluing
you came in,
we did the dance of joy
you make some false promise
about another Balki
and now I’m totally confused
and emotionally drained.
Okay, calm down.
Calm down.
Are you alright?
Yes, I’m, I’m...
[clears throat]
I’m fine, thank you.
Alright, let’s start over again.
‐With what?
‐Yes.
[instrumental music]
(Gorpley)
’Bartokomous!’
It’s almost noon, I’m going
to lunch, I’ll be back at 4:00.
Uh, Mr. Gorpley, Mr. Gorpley.
Would you please
tell me how come
you’re so dressed up this week?
That’s for me to know
and you to find out.
Oh, I love guessing games
as much as the next guy,
you big kidder.
But, but I’m working
against a deadline.
And I’m working with an idiot.
Mr. Gorpley hires new employee.
Check it out.
How’s it going, Balki?
Well, cousin,
I’ve got some leads
but, but every time
I try to dig deeper
I wind up shoveling alone.
Well, if reporting were easy,
everybody would be doing it.
Hmm.
If you wanna be a good reporter
you’re gonna have
to change your tactics.
I put on a clean pair
this morning.
No, I mean,
you’re gonna have to find
new ways o‐of
getting your information.
If someone won’t talk to you,
talk to their friends
talk to their wives,
talk to their ex‐wives.
Well, what if
they’re not married
and they don’t have
any friends?
Well, then you have
to hang out in places
where you think
you can pick up information.
Uh, water cooler,
the lobby, the snack bar.
Who knows?
You might have to go incognito.
Oh, I don’t know, cousin.
I don’t care much
for Mexican food.
It always gives me
Monty Hall’s revenge.
No, I mean, you might
have to wear a disguise.
But, but, cousin, t‐that sounds
an awful lot like snooping.
It’s not snooping
if you’re writing it down.
Then, it’s journalism.
Oh‐h‐h!
Well, I’ve got to get this up
to Mr. Wainwright’s office.
Good luck with your newsletter.
Thanks.
Can I, can I push the button?
Alright, you push the button.
Oh! Oh! And don’t forget...
Bye‐bye.
No. No, not bye‐bye.
Quotes. Quotes.
Always get exact quotes.
Oh, right. Right, right, right.
Quotes. Quotes.
‐Oh, hi, guys.
‐Hi, Ms. Lydia.
Wainwright’s still running you
around like a madman, Larry?
Lydia, would you believe
this is the third time
he’s had me rewrite
this murder story?
He said I mentioned murder
too many times.
If you ask me, Mr. Wainwright
is not playing with a full deck.
"Mr. Wainwright is not playing
with a full deck."
What a great...
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!
Get your copy
of the "Chronicle Chatter"
under new management.
‐Here you go, cousin.
‐Ah.
Thank you, Balki.
It’s, it’s, it’s hot
off the presses.
I’ll get to it later.
Read it before
they wrap fish in it.
I guess you want me
to read this now.
Only if you have time.
I’ll make the time.
I was hoping to read
this before you went to press
but I’ve been so busy.
Eh, cousin,
it’s okay, it’s okay.
We both had papers to put out.
[laughing]
Oh, Bartokomous,
I have got to admit it.
This is the best thing
I have seen in years.
Thank you, Mr. Gorpley.
Well, didn’t I tell you
people would love it?
Well, I’m overcome!
But I can’t take all the credit.
Cousin Larry helped too.
Well, whoever wrote the story
about Lydia did a great job.
Well, you’re lookin’
right through him.
I mean, everybody thought
she went to the Bahamas
but you found out
she really went to Milwaukee
to have an eyelid tuck.
[laughing]
Nice going, Bartokomous!
Excuse me?
Yeah, well, it’s right next
to the Dimitri,
the sheep cartoon.
Oh, hmm.
That’s going to be
a regular feature.
I thought maybe later on I could
give it a political angle.
"If you’re wondering who had
what done where the answer is
"Ms. Lydia, the paper’s
favorite advice columnist
"went to Milwaukee
to get her eyelids tucked.
"When? Over the weekend.
"So if you get a chance,
compliment her
on her new peeper‐covers."
[chuckles]
How many of these
have you given out?
One to every employee
in the building
and I left a complimentary pile
in the lobby.
Okay, get your coat!
We’re getting out of here.
‐What?
‐Come on!
Huh?
I want some answers
and I want them now!
Lydia, I’m sure everything
can be explained.
I have been humiliated!
Held up to ridicule in front
of everyone in the building!
Who did this to you, Ms. Lydia?
They’ll have to answer to me!
Chill out, Lydia. I thought
the article was hilarious.
Peeper‐covers.
[laughing]
You are pretty cheerful
for a man
who doesn’t have long to live.
What are you talking about?
The article
about you and Maggie.
The what?
You mean, there’s another?
Oh, didn’t you read
the last page?
It’s equally hilarious.
Thank you very much. I, I do
try to accent the lighter side.
"Sam Gorpley,
looking very handsome
"in a pickled herring
bone suit...
"...was seen dining with who?
"Maggie Miner,
wife of sports editor
"and bodybuilder
Matt Miner, that’s who.
"Apparently Maggie has a sore
knee because Mr. Gorpley
was nice enough
to rub it all during lunch."
I’m a dead man.
But I’m taking somebody with me.
Oh! Okay, okay, uh, Balki.
[laughing]
They fell for it!
Let’s let them in
on our little joke.
There are only two copies of
the newsletter and you got them.
[laughing]
They’re all over the building.
Balki, I cannot believe that
you would write stuff like this.
You know,
I can hardly believe it myself.
I was afraid my writing would be
flat and pedestrian but...
...I just followed exactly
what Cousin Larry
told me to do and...
You can see the results.
But I, I didn’t help that much.
Oh, come on, cousin,
you’re being modest.
No, no! Listen,
the, the truth must be told.
Oh, I don’t know.
You see,
I was just going to write
that Ms. Lydia
went to the Bahamas
but Cousin Larry
kept saying no
you got to d‐i‐i‐ig
a little deeper.
(Balki)
’You got to dig
a little deeper.’
No, no! I‐I‐I didn’t, I didn’t.
See, he couldn’t...
He, he couldn’t. I only...
Appleton!
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!
Yes, sir. Yes, w‐what
can I do for you, sir?
Research? Filing?
Out‐of‐town assignment?
Explain this article
in the "Chronicle Chatter."
Oh, no, another one?
"If you’re wondering
what Mr. Wainwright might like
"in his Christmas stocking,
might I suggest
"a pack of playing cards.
"And why would
this be the ideal gift?
"Because, according
to Cousin Larry Appleton
Mr. Wainwright isn’t playing
with a full deck."
Uh, uh, uh...a full deck
i‐isn’t that a nautical term?
Mr. Wainwright, one less thing
to ask Santa for, huh?
I‐it was a mistake.
It, it wasn’t me.
I, I would never say anything
like that about you, sir.
I, I must have been misquoted.
No, cousin,
I was standing right...
No, no, no,
you taught me!
I was standing
right there and I caught
the exact quote
as it flew out of your mouth.
It was, it was
taken out of context!
It was, i‐i‐it had to be...
Have you lost weight?
Because that’s a very nice suit.
I‐i‐it matches your head.
Your hair.
The hair on your head.
‐Appleton,
‐Yes, sir?
‐You’re babbling.
‐Thank you, sir.
Appleton,
when you’re coherent, call me.
You bet I will, sir.
Mr. Wainwright
and Mr. Gorpley in fashion war.
Check it out!
I’m Matt Miner.
And I’m looking for Sam Gorpley.
(Lydia and Gorpley)
That’s him!
Oh.
[instrumental music]
(Larry)
’Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.’
Totally.
Totally, totally uncalled for.
Yes...y‐yes, but...
I really meant that about
the weight loss, though.
You’re, you’re looking,
you’re looking very very...
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Balki, good news.
I’m off the hook
with Wainwright.
He was very gracious.
Balki, how long
do you plan on wearing
the Myposian Mantle
of a Thousand Itches?
Well, Myposian law
states I must wear it
one year for every person I
offended and let me see...
...I offended seven people,
so...
...I think we’re looking
at a seven year itch.
Balki, I really think you’re
carrying this a little too far.
No, no, cousin.
If I was carrying this
too far...
...I’d be wearing the
Boxer Shorts of Eternal Chafing.
Balki, in America
when you offend someone
a verbal apology is sufficient.
Unless you offend a large
segment of the population
uh, then you get
a Presidential pardon.
You mean, if I, if I write
everyone I offended
a verbal apology,
I’ll be okay?
In a manner of speaking.
Well, then I think I’ll do that.
Okay, well,
let’s, let’s take this off.
Ah!
[grunts]
[sighs]
Wool.
A‐after I deliver
all my apologies...
...I‐I’ll, I’ll resign
from the newsletter.
Balki, you don’t have
to do that.
‐You did a good job.
‐I did?
Yeah, the first newsletter
you wrote was pretty good.
All it needed
was a little fine tuning.
And I’m sure
you’ll do a terrific job
if I stay out of your way.
Cousin,
would you do that for me?
You bet I would.
Thank you, cousin.
I just have one question.
How did you find out about
Gorpley’s lunch date
with Maggie Miner?
Oh, I, I followed
your suggestion
and I went undercover.
[American accent]
Hi, my name’s Bart,
I’ll be your waiter today.
Uh...
Let me just, uh, put
your drink order in real quick
and then I’ll be back
to explain our specials
and get you started
on our salad bar.
[theme music]
[music continues]