Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 5 - Dog Day Mid-Afternoon - full transcript
When Larry writes an article exposing a criminal, he basks in the glory. But later a man shows up wanting to see the man who wrote the article and claims that it's filled with inaccuracies....
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes
the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothin’ to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just ♪
♪ Get a feelin’
like you need ♪
♪ Some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street ♪
♪ A light at the end ♪
♪ Standin’ tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound
for better days ♪
♪ Aaa aa aa ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ And my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s
gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[door opens]
This is very exciting.
An article
by Larry Appleton
on the front page
of the Chronicle.
Well, actually,
it’s by Marshall and Walpole
but they’ll mention
that I worked on it.
After all, without my research
there’d be no article.
Well, here it is.
"Money Laundering In Chicago,
A Dirty Business."
Nifty title, Larry.
Well, actually, Marshall
thought of the title...
...but I put in
the punctuation.
Cousin, question,
when they launder money...
...do they have to wash the tens
and the twenties separately?
No, Balki, money laundering
is taking money
that’s been made illegally
and funneling it
through a legitimate business
so that it’s not traceable
to the illegal source.
Oh, oh‐oh‐oh,
I get it. I...
So is, is static cling
a problem?
Not if they use
a fabric softener.
Larry, I don’t see
your name here.
Well, it wouldn’t be
on the front page.
B‐but at the end
of the article
they always mention
all the people
who contributed
to the story.
Oh, cousin, cousin, cousin.
I see something!
I see something!
[gasping]
And it’s even printed
in those little slanty letters.
‐Italics.
‐No, it’s English.
"The Chronicle’s
investigative reporting team
"of Marshall and Walpole
"has won
two Pulitzer prizes."
That’s it?
No "Research
by Larry Appleton?"
No "Special thanks
to Larry Appleton"?
No "We would have been lost
without Larry Appleton"?
Cousin, slow down.
What was that last one?
Oh, forget it.
They didn’t mention me
at all.
Oh, cousin.
Don’t be
too bummed out.
Your time will come.
You just have
to be patient.
(Jennifer)
Balki’s right.
Larry, I’ve been
a flight attendant
for the last
five years.
And I didn’t think
anyone even noticed me.
Then yesterday, they made me
head of my own flight crew.
Congratulations.
Well, that’s wonderful.
You didn’t
tell me that.
Well, I‐I was waiting
for the right time.
But that’s not fair.
I worked just as hard
as you have
and I’m only head
of beverage service...
...in smoking!
Um, maybe
we’d better go.
I’ll talk to you
tomorrow, Larry.
‐Bye.
‐Bye.
You weren’t
gonna tell me, were you?
I was going to tell you.
When, at 30,000 feet
when I’m choking
on second hand smoke?
Can you
believe that?
No, I can’t.
That second‐hand smoke
can be pretty nauseating.
No, Balki, I mean
Marshall and Walpole
do a five‐page story
a‐a‐and they don’t
give me any credit.
Now, listen, cousin.
Listen, all your friends
at the paper
know how hard you
worked on that article.
And you can bet they are going
to give you credit.
They will?
They’re going to give you
so much credit
you won’t have to carry
cash for a year!
Well, I’d be happy
with a few pats on the back
for a job
well done.
Well, cousin, if that’s all
you need, here’s your first.
[instrumental music]
Well, Balki...
...almost everyone’s
gone home.
And I’ve heard
a lot of compliments
for Marshall and Walpole
but I’m still waiting
for my first pat on the back.
Well, uh, cousin,
you know, remember?
Sorry, my second
pat on the back.
Balki...I’m gonna
to take these books
back to the archives
and then we can
get out of here.
Excuse me.
Uh...I’m looking
for Marshall and Walpole.
Oh, they’re not here.
They went
to the TV station
to be on "Nightline"
with Ted Koppel
live from Chicago
via cellulite.
But I have
to talk to somebody.
It’s about that money
laundering article.
Oh! Wait. Wait. You can talk
to my cousin, Larry.
He‐he’s one of the Chronicle’s
top reporters
and‐and‐and not many people
know this
in fact,
nobody seems to know it
but...if
it wasn’t for Cousin Larry
that article
would never have been written.
Well, then he is the man
that I wanna talk to.
Come on, Balki,
let’s hit the road.
Cousin, cousin, cousin, this
nice man wants to talk to you
about the money in the
washing machine article.
Yeah, yeah. I know.
Great article.
Wonderfully written.
Another Pulitzer prize
for Marshall and Walpole.
‐Thanks for dropping by.
‐Cousin?
Well, uh, you may think
it’s wonderfully written
but I don’t.
I’ve never seen
an article
so riddled with inaccuracies
in my whole life.
How about that!
Cousin, people are
starting to notice!
Well, maybe you should
get your eyes examined
because I personally checked
and double‐checked
every fact myself.
Is he good or what?
Well, then, you should have
triple‐checked them
because that article
was filled with half‐truths
fabrications and downright
misrepresentations.
Wow, cousin.
Sounds like you’ve
got yourself a fan.
Alright, now.
Wait a minute.
I broke my back
on that article.
I worked nights,
weekends
I‐I haven’t had lunch
for a month!
‐I don’t believe this!
‐I don’t either!
I spend all day waiting for any
kind of acknowledgment
and my first pat on the back
is a slap in the face.
Um, second pat
on the back‐‐
Oh, yeah, alright,
sorry, sorry.
Thank you
so very very much.
Now, g‐get out of here
before I throw you out.
Well, I‐I’m not leaving
until I get satisfaction.
Oh, fine. You stay.
We’re leaving.
Well, uh, actually, uh,
nobody is going anywhere.
Oh, really?
And how are you
going to stop us?
With this.
[dramatic music]
Oh, my Lord.
[instrumental music]
You know, actually
I didn’t really have
that much to do
with the article.
[chuckling]
I mean, the real
research‐research was done
by people
much higher up than I am.
I just handled the...spelling.
Don’t you listen to him.
Cousin Larry’s
just being modest.
The truth of the matter is
if it hadn’t
have been for Cousin Larry
that article would never
have been printed.
Could you tape his mouth?
That’s not too tight,
is it?
No, it‐it’s quite comfortable.
Thank you.
But you know, next time
you might want to think about
using a sheep shank knot.
It allows some freedom
of movement
with a minimum of chafing.
I can do a sheep shank.
I used to sail.
Get out of the city!
You know
a sheep shank knot?
‐Balki!
‐Right over, yeah. Huh?
He’s not going
for a merit badge.
He’s threatening
to blow us up.
Well, how would he
do that?
He has 20 sticks
of dynamite strapped‐‐
‐Twenty four.
‐24 sticks of dynamite.
Strapped to his chest!
They’re not
purely decorative?
No, they’re not
purely decorative.
Well, then...
...uh, that would
constitute a‐a bomb.
Yes, yes, it would.
This man could blow us up.
We should never
have let him
tie us to this chair.
Who are you?
Why are you doing this?
‐Who am I?
‐And why are you doing this?
And why am I
doing this?
[scoffs]
Some fine reporter
you are.
You don’t even know
who Marvin Berman is?
[sighs]
But then...
...that’s the story
of my life.
I do all the work
and someone else
takes all the credit.
Well, I need to be given
some credit, too.
I need to be recognized.
I need to be acknowledged!
I need my own place
in the sun!
Sounds like you need
a Club Med vacation.
You’re foreign, aren’t you?
Bartokomous, play "Cowboys
and Indians" on your own time.
And you? You don’t
even work here. Take a hike.
Gorpley...don’t
antagonize him.
He’s got a bomb.
A‐a bomb.
[laughing]
Yeah. Right.
A bomb.
[gasping]
A bomb.
Oh, my God.
He’s got a bomb.
Please, please,
you’ve got to let me go.
I’ve got four kids
and a pregnant wife at home.
Mr. Gorpley!
This must have been
some whirlpool romance!
Just this morning
you were single.
Shouldn’t you
tape his mouth?
Okay, okay.
How about this?
Please, please!
I’m begging you! I’m young.
I’ve got my whole life
ahead of me.
It’s okay. It’s okay.
Look. Look. Look.
‐I’ve already got hostages.
‐Oh.
But you...
...you can
tell the police
and the news media.
Oh, I can do that.
Tell them that I’m holding
your two friends prisoner
and if I don’t get
what I want
I’m blowing this building
to kingdom come.
[dramatic music]
[police siren wailing]
Alright, listen, lieutenant,
the next time this phone rings
it better be
the publisher.
Now, you’ve got
exactly ten minutes
or I am blowing
this building up
and I am setting
the timer...now.
Oh, hey, uh, Marvin, Marvin,
uh, question here.
What is it?
What‐uh‐uh‐just out of, uh
just out of idle curiosity, uh
w‐w‐w‐what is it
that you want?
What is it I want?
[sighs]
Well, alright,
I’ll tell you exactly
what it is
that I want.
Excuse me,
excuse me, Marvin.
Um, before you get
bogged down in the details
aren’t you forgetting
something?
No, I don’t think so.
Yes. You were about
to set your timer.
[sighs]
Thanks. Where is my head?
[beeping]
Why did you tell him
to set the timer?
Because if he doesn’t
set the timer...
[gasping]
Bad move, huh?
Marvin, why are
you doing this
over a‐a silly article?
Because it gave
all the credit
to that idiot boss
of mine.
When the real mastermind
behind the money
laundering scheme...
...was me.
‐You?
‐Yes.
I set up
the dummy corporations.
I set up
the fake bank accounts.
I picked out
the office furniture.
Why haven’t I
ever heard of you?
I’ve been roommates
for three years.
Not you!
Not you!
Him! Why haven’t I
ever heard of him?
Well, how
should I know?
Marvin, could you
enlighten us?
Because I’m just
the accountant.
And no one pays attention
to the accountant
but they will now.
When I talk
to the publisher
I’m gonna
demand recognition.
I’m gonna make the Chronicle
print a retraction.
A retraction!
A retraction!
G‐good idea.
Now that’s constructive!
But what kind of retraction?
A complete retraction?
A partial retraction?
Marvin! Marvin! Marvin!
You should know
exactly what you want
before the publisher
calls because
[chuckling]
you know, we don’t
have a lot of...
...time here.
You know,
you’re absolutely right!
I didn’t think
this far ahead.
Well, I’ve been kind of busy.
I had to go
all the way to Skokie
to get the timer.
Well, Marvin,
you should have gone
to Sal’s Hardware
on Lincoln Avenue.
They got everything.
You know what they say
"If Sal don’t have it,
you don’t need it."
M‐Marvin, listen.
You should write down
your demands.
Why don’t you just take
a few moments
you know, private moments
for yourself
away from all this hustle
and this bustle.
You‐you know, there’s
a private office back there.
That’s a good idea.
Alright, um,
I’ll be right back.
Come on, Balki.
Let’s get out of here.
Head for the loading dock.
Hey, guys...
Can I run this
by you?
What do you think
I should call myself?
Criminal mastermind
or diabolical genius?
Diabolical genius.
I don’t know.
It‐it’s a little
too Batman.
Hmm.
Marvin, l‐listen.
You know, I‐I think
this whole bomb thing
is the wrong way to go.
I mean, even if they
print a retraction
I don’t see how
you can avoid going to jail.
Well, he could turn
state’s evidence.
‐State’s evidence?
‐Yes!
That way you could tell
your side of the story
get the recognition
you so richly deserve
participate in the federal
witness protection program
and avoid
a lengthy prison term.
Balki, where did you learn
about state’s evidence?
On the all new "Columbo".
Marvin...
Balki’s right.
If you turn yourself in
testify against
your boss
you’ll not only get the credit
but you’ll also be a hero.
‐Me?
‐’Yes.’
‐A hero?
‐Absolutely.
And you know
what happens to heroes.
People magazine?
And talk shows.
Maybe even a book.
I’d help you write it!
The sooner you untie us
the sooner I can get
the wheels in motion.
I’ll do it!
Oh, and, uh, you know,
uh, Marvin
uh, you also might want to
turn off your bomb.
Oh! Of course.
You know, I never really meant
it to go this far anyway.
[timer beeping]
I hate these
digital clocks.
[timer beeping]
Guys...guys,
it won’t turn off.
Oh.
Well, you should have
gone to Sal’s.
I’m not going
to say it again.
Marvin! Do something!
Don’t rush me!
I’m not good
under pressure.
Alright, now listen,
I just have to disconnect it.
So I just pull the red wire.
Or is it the white one?
I don’t know!
Oh, oh, guys, guys,
I’m no good in the field.
I’m just an idea man.
Whoa!
Oh, I‐I feel
kind of sick.
I‐I think
I’d better sit down.
I feel like
I’m gonna faint.
‐No! No! No! No!
‐I am! I am!
Marvin, Marvin!
You can’t faint now!
Marvin? Marvin?
You alright, alright? Okay?
Okay. Okay.
Whoa, I’m okay.
Oh.
Oh, my God!
He’s out cold.
Balki, we’ve only
got a minute!
Let’s get out of here!
Balki!
Cousin, I can’t leave him
like this.
I’ve got to try to turn off
the bomb. Go ahead without me.
[sighs]
I hate when you do this.
Alright, alright,
let me try.
Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
‐Cousin, Cousin, I think‐‐
‐Alright, red wire, white wire.
Red wire, white wire,
uh, red light at night
sailor’s delight.
[mumbling]
Who cares about sailors?
A green wire!
He didn’t say anything
about a green wire!
Marvin! Marvin!
What about
the green wire, Marvin?
Tell us about the green wire?
Cousin.
Cousin! Cousin!
I’m going to try
the red one.
No, Balki, don’t.
What if we make a mistake?
Well, Cousin, we’ve got
five seconds left!
What’s the worst
that could happen?
[beeping]
Do it!
[dramatic music]
Balki, you did it!
You did it!
We’re alive! We’re alive!
[instrumental music]
"Police
took Marvin Berman
"to Chicago General
"where he is being held
"for psychiatric observation."
Oh, Larry, your first
front page story.
I’m so proud of you.
Oh, Balki...
Your first
bomb defusing.
I’m so proud of you.
Well, uh, we’d
better get going.
I have to be in
at work by 7:00.
I thought we didn’t have to
be at work until 10:00.
Well, the head
of the flight crew
has to get in early.
Oh, throw it in my face,
why don’t you?
What is your problem,
you acted the same way
when I was elected
class treasurer?
You were elected
class treasurer?
Another thing
you never told me!
Mary Anne, you were
my campaign manager.
Oh, right!
Cousin, look at this.
Here’s another article
about Marvin.
Really?
"Marvin Berman, self‐confessed
criminal mastermind‐‐"
Oh, I’m glad he went
with criminal mastermind.
"has opted to do a book
telling his side of the story
"with Pulitzer prize winning
journalists
"Marshall and Walpole."
Are those guys
on a roll or what?
I don’t believe it.
That book was my idea.
When am I gonna get
a break?
Cousin, wait a minute.
Are you listening to yourself?
Well, Balki, all I want
is the credit I deserve.
Well, so did
Marvin Berman.
And look what
happened to him.
Cousin, yesterday
all you wanted
was your name
in little tiny letters
at the end of a very
long article.
And today you got your name
in big black letters...
...on the front page
and you’re
still not happy.
If you ask me
you can’t see
DeForest Kelley
for the trees.
I guess things are going
pretty well, aren’t they?
Well, isn’t that
the undergarment of the year?
Balki, don’t you wanna
read my article?
Why cousin?
You already read it to us.
And very well,
I might add.
Well, you might at least, uh,
take a look at the very end.
"Balki Bartokomous contributed
to this article."
My name
in the paper.
Wait until
mama sees this.
Thank you, cousin.
You’re welcome.
Listen, cousin,
maybe someday
the team of Bartokomous
and Appleton
will win
a Pulitzer prize.
Appleton
and Bartokomous.
Y‐you’re absolutely
right. Yeah.
[theme music]
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes
the world looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothin’ to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just ♪
♪ Get a feelin’
like you need ♪
♪ Some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street ♪
♪ A light at the end ♪
♪ Standin’ tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound
for better days ♪
♪ Aaa aa aa ♪
♪ It’s my life ♪
♪ And my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s
gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[door opens]
This is very exciting.
An article
by Larry Appleton
on the front page
of the Chronicle.
Well, actually,
it’s by Marshall and Walpole
but they’ll mention
that I worked on it.
After all, without my research
there’d be no article.
Well, here it is.
"Money Laundering In Chicago,
A Dirty Business."
Nifty title, Larry.
Well, actually, Marshall
thought of the title...
...but I put in
the punctuation.
Cousin, question,
when they launder money...
...do they have to wash the tens
and the twenties separately?
No, Balki, money laundering
is taking money
that’s been made illegally
and funneling it
through a legitimate business
so that it’s not traceable
to the illegal source.
Oh, oh‐oh‐oh,
I get it. I...
So is, is static cling
a problem?
Not if they use
a fabric softener.
Larry, I don’t see
your name here.
Well, it wouldn’t be
on the front page.
B‐but at the end
of the article
they always mention
all the people
who contributed
to the story.
Oh, cousin, cousin, cousin.
I see something!
I see something!
[gasping]
And it’s even printed
in those little slanty letters.
‐Italics.
‐No, it’s English.
"The Chronicle’s
investigative reporting team
"of Marshall and Walpole
"has won
two Pulitzer prizes."
That’s it?
No "Research
by Larry Appleton?"
No "Special thanks
to Larry Appleton"?
No "We would have been lost
without Larry Appleton"?
Cousin, slow down.
What was that last one?
Oh, forget it.
They didn’t mention me
at all.
Oh, cousin.
Don’t be
too bummed out.
Your time will come.
You just have
to be patient.
(Jennifer)
Balki’s right.
Larry, I’ve been
a flight attendant
for the last
five years.
And I didn’t think
anyone even noticed me.
Then yesterday, they made me
head of my own flight crew.
Congratulations.
Well, that’s wonderful.
You didn’t
tell me that.
Well, I‐I was waiting
for the right time.
But that’s not fair.
I worked just as hard
as you have
and I’m only head
of beverage service...
...in smoking!
Um, maybe
we’d better go.
I’ll talk to you
tomorrow, Larry.
‐Bye.
‐Bye.
You weren’t
gonna tell me, were you?
I was going to tell you.
When, at 30,000 feet
when I’m choking
on second hand smoke?
Can you
believe that?
No, I can’t.
That second‐hand smoke
can be pretty nauseating.
No, Balki, I mean
Marshall and Walpole
do a five‐page story
a‐a‐and they don’t
give me any credit.
Now, listen, cousin.
Listen, all your friends
at the paper
know how hard you
worked on that article.
And you can bet they are going
to give you credit.
They will?
They’re going to give you
so much credit
you won’t have to carry
cash for a year!
Well, I’d be happy
with a few pats on the back
for a job
well done.
Well, cousin, if that’s all
you need, here’s your first.
[instrumental music]
Well, Balki...
...almost everyone’s
gone home.
And I’ve heard
a lot of compliments
for Marshall and Walpole
but I’m still waiting
for my first pat on the back.
Well, uh, cousin,
you know, remember?
Sorry, my second
pat on the back.
Balki...I’m gonna
to take these books
back to the archives
and then we can
get out of here.
Excuse me.
Uh...I’m looking
for Marshall and Walpole.
Oh, they’re not here.
They went
to the TV station
to be on "Nightline"
with Ted Koppel
live from Chicago
via cellulite.
But I have
to talk to somebody.
It’s about that money
laundering article.
Oh! Wait. Wait. You can talk
to my cousin, Larry.
He‐he’s one of the Chronicle’s
top reporters
and‐and‐and not many people
know this
in fact,
nobody seems to know it
but...if
it wasn’t for Cousin Larry
that article
would never have been written.
Well, then he is the man
that I wanna talk to.
Come on, Balki,
let’s hit the road.
Cousin, cousin, cousin, this
nice man wants to talk to you
about the money in the
washing machine article.
Yeah, yeah. I know.
Great article.
Wonderfully written.
Another Pulitzer prize
for Marshall and Walpole.
‐Thanks for dropping by.
‐Cousin?
Well, uh, you may think
it’s wonderfully written
but I don’t.
I’ve never seen
an article
so riddled with inaccuracies
in my whole life.
How about that!
Cousin, people are
starting to notice!
Well, maybe you should
get your eyes examined
because I personally checked
and double‐checked
every fact myself.
Is he good or what?
Well, then, you should have
triple‐checked them
because that article
was filled with half‐truths
fabrications and downright
misrepresentations.
Wow, cousin.
Sounds like you’ve
got yourself a fan.
Alright, now.
Wait a minute.
I broke my back
on that article.
I worked nights,
weekends
I‐I haven’t had lunch
for a month!
‐I don’t believe this!
‐I don’t either!
I spend all day waiting for any
kind of acknowledgment
and my first pat on the back
is a slap in the face.
Um, second pat
on the back‐‐
Oh, yeah, alright,
sorry, sorry.
Thank you
so very very much.
Now, g‐get out of here
before I throw you out.
Well, I‐I’m not leaving
until I get satisfaction.
Oh, fine. You stay.
We’re leaving.
Well, uh, actually, uh,
nobody is going anywhere.
Oh, really?
And how are you
going to stop us?
With this.
[dramatic music]
Oh, my Lord.
[instrumental music]
You know, actually
I didn’t really have
that much to do
with the article.
[chuckling]
I mean, the real
research‐research was done
by people
much higher up than I am.
I just handled the...spelling.
Don’t you listen to him.
Cousin Larry’s
just being modest.
The truth of the matter is
if it hadn’t
have been for Cousin Larry
that article would never
have been printed.
Could you tape his mouth?
That’s not too tight,
is it?
No, it‐it’s quite comfortable.
Thank you.
But you know, next time
you might want to think about
using a sheep shank knot.
It allows some freedom
of movement
with a minimum of chafing.
I can do a sheep shank.
I used to sail.
Get out of the city!
You know
a sheep shank knot?
‐Balki!
‐Right over, yeah. Huh?
He’s not going
for a merit badge.
He’s threatening
to blow us up.
Well, how would he
do that?
He has 20 sticks
of dynamite strapped‐‐
‐Twenty four.
‐24 sticks of dynamite.
Strapped to his chest!
They’re not
purely decorative?
No, they’re not
purely decorative.
Well, then...
...uh, that would
constitute a‐a bomb.
Yes, yes, it would.
This man could blow us up.
We should never
have let him
tie us to this chair.
Who are you?
Why are you doing this?
‐Who am I?
‐And why are you doing this?
And why am I
doing this?
[scoffs]
Some fine reporter
you are.
You don’t even know
who Marvin Berman is?
[sighs]
But then...
...that’s the story
of my life.
I do all the work
and someone else
takes all the credit.
Well, I need to be given
some credit, too.
I need to be recognized.
I need to be acknowledged!
I need my own place
in the sun!
Sounds like you need
a Club Med vacation.
You’re foreign, aren’t you?
Bartokomous, play "Cowboys
and Indians" on your own time.
And you? You don’t
even work here. Take a hike.
Gorpley...don’t
antagonize him.
He’s got a bomb.
A‐a bomb.
[laughing]
Yeah. Right.
A bomb.
[gasping]
A bomb.
Oh, my God.
He’s got a bomb.
Please, please,
you’ve got to let me go.
I’ve got four kids
and a pregnant wife at home.
Mr. Gorpley!
This must have been
some whirlpool romance!
Just this morning
you were single.
Shouldn’t you
tape his mouth?
Okay, okay.
How about this?
Please, please!
I’m begging you! I’m young.
I’ve got my whole life
ahead of me.
It’s okay. It’s okay.
Look. Look. Look.
‐I’ve already got hostages.
‐Oh.
But you...
...you can
tell the police
and the news media.
Oh, I can do that.
Tell them that I’m holding
your two friends prisoner
and if I don’t get
what I want
I’m blowing this building
to kingdom come.
[dramatic music]
[police siren wailing]
Alright, listen, lieutenant,
the next time this phone rings
it better be
the publisher.
Now, you’ve got
exactly ten minutes
or I am blowing
this building up
and I am setting
the timer...now.
Oh, hey, uh, Marvin, Marvin,
uh, question here.
What is it?
What‐uh‐uh‐just out of, uh
just out of idle curiosity, uh
w‐w‐w‐what is it
that you want?
What is it I want?
[sighs]
Well, alright,
I’ll tell you exactly
what it is
that I want.
Excuse me,
excuse me, Marvin.
Um, before you get
bogged down in the details
aren’t you forgetting
something?
No, I don’t think so.
Yes. You were about
to set your timer.
[sighs]
Thanks. Where is my head?
[beeping]
Why did you tell him
to set the timer?
Because if he doesn’t
set the timer...
[gasping]
Bad move, huh?
Marvin, why are
you doing this
over a‐a silly article?
Because it gave
all the credit
to that idiot boss
of mine.
When the real mastermind
behind the money
laundering scheme...
...was me.
‐You?
‐Yes.
I set up
the dummy corporations.
I set up
the fake bank accounts.
I picked out
the office furniture.
Why haven’t I
ever heard of you?
I’ve been roommates
for three years.
Not you!
Not you!
Him! Why haven’t I
ever heard of him?
Well, how
should I know?
Marvin, could you
enlighten us?
Because I’m just
the accountant.
And no one pays attention
to the accountant
but they will now.
When I talk
to the publisher
I’m gonna
demand recognition.
I’m gonna make the Chronicle
print a retraction.
A retraction!
A retraction!
G‐good idea.
Now that’s constructive!
But what kind of retraction?
A complete retraction?
A partial retraction?
Marvin! Marvin! Marvin!
You should know
exactly what you want
before the publisher
calls because
[chuckling]
you know, we don’t
have a lot of...
...time here.
You know,
you’re absolutely right!
I didn’t think
this far ahead.
Well, I’ve been kind of busy.
I had to go
all the way to Skokie
to get the timer.
Well, Marvin,
you should have gone
to Sal’s Hardware
on Lincoln Avenue.
They got everything.
You know what they say
"If Sal don’t have it,
you don’t need it."
M‐Marvin, listen.
You should write down
your demands.
Why don’t you just take
a few moments
you know, private moments
for yourself
away from all this hustle
and this bustle.
You‐you know, there’s
a private office back there.
That’s a good idea.
Alright, um,
I’ll be right back.
Come on, Balki.
Let’s get out of here.
Head for the loading dock.
Hey, guys...
Can I run this
by you?
What do you think
I should call myself?
Criminal mastermind
or diabolical genius?
Diabolical genius.
I don’t know.
It‐it’s a little
too Batman.
Hmm.
Marvin, l‐listen.
You know, I‐I think
this whole bomb thing
is the wrong way to go.
I mean, even if they
print a retraction
I don’t see how
you can avoid going to jail.
Well, he could turn
state’s evidence.
‐State’s evidence?
‐Yes!
That way you could tell
your side of the story
get the recognition
you so richly deserve
participate in the federal
witness protection program
and avoid
a lengthy prison term.
Balki, where did you learn
about state’s evidence?
On the all new "Columbo".
Marvin...
Balki’s right.
If you turn yourself in
testify against
your boss
you’ll not only get the credit
but you’ll also be a hero.
‐Me?
‐’Yes.’
‐A hero?
‐Absolutely.
And you know
what happens to heroes.
People magazine?
And talk shows.
Maybe even a book.
I’d help you write it!
The sooner you untie us
the sooner I can get
the wheels in motion.
I’ll do it!
Oh, and, uh, you know,
uh, Marvin
uh, you also might want to
turn off your bomb.
Oh! Of course.
You know, I never really meant
it to go this far anyway.
[timer beeping]
I hate these
digital clocks.
[timer beeping]
Guys...guys,
it won’t turn off.
Oh.
Well, you should have
gone to Sal’s.
I’m not going
to say it again.
Marvin! Do something!
Don’t rush me!
I’m not good
under pressure.
Alright, now listen,
I just have to disconnect it.
So I just pull the red wire.
Or is it the white one?
I don’t know!
Oh, oh, guys, guys,
I’m no good in the field.
I’m just an idea man.
Whoa!
Oh, I‐I feel
kind of sick.
I‐I think
I’d better sit down.
I feel like
I’m gonna faint.
‐No! No! No! No!
‐I am! I am!
Marvin, Marvin!
You can’t faint now!
Marvin? Marvin?
You alright, alright? Okay?
Okay. Okay.
Whoa, I’m okay.
Oh.
Oh, my God!
He’s out cold.
Balki, we’ve only
got a minute!
Let’s get out of here!
Balki!
Cousin, I can’t leave him
like this.
I’ve got to try to turn off
the bomb. Go ahead without me.
[sighs]
I hate when you do this.
Alright, alright,
let me try.
Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!
‐Cousin, Cousin, I think‐‐
‐Alright, red wire, white wire.
Red wire, white wire,
uh, red light at night
sailor’s delight.
[mumbling]
Who cares about sailors?
A green wire!
He didn’t say anything
about a green wire!
Marvin! Marvin!
What about
the green wire, Marvin?
Tell us about the green wire?
Cousin.
Cousin! Cousin!
I’m going to try
the red one.
No, Balki, don’t.
What if we make a mistake?
Well, Cousin, we’ve got
five seconds left!
What’s the worst
that could happen?
[beeping]
Do it!
[dramatic music]
Balki, you did it!
You did it!
We’re alive! We’re alive!
[instrumental music]
"Police
took Marvin Berman
"to Chicago General
"where he is being held
"for psychiatric observation."
Oh, Larry, your first
front page story.
I’m so proud of you.
Oh, Balki...
Your first
bomb defusing.
I’m so proud of you.
Well, uh, we’d
better get going.
I have to be in
at work by 7:00.
I thought we didn’t have to
be at work until 10:00.
Well, the head
of the flight crew
has to get in early.
Oh, throw it in my face,
why don’t you?
What is your problem,
you acted the same way
when I was elected
class treasurer?
You were elected
class treasurer?
Another thing
you never told me!
Mary Anne, you were
my campaign manager.
Oh, right!
Cousin, look at this.
Here’s another article
about Marvin.
Really?
"Marvin Berman, self‐confessed
criminal mastermind‐‐"
Oh, I’m glad he went
with criminal mastermind.
"has opted to do a book
telling his side of the story
"with Pulitzer prize winning
journalists
"Marshall and Walpole."
Are those guys
on a roll or what?
I don’t believe it.
That book was my idea.
When am I gonna get
a break?
Cousin, wait a minute.
Are you listening to yourself?
Well, Balki, all I want
is the credit I deserve.
Well, so did
Marvin Berman.
And look what
happened to him.
Cousin, yesterday
all you wanted
was your name
in little tiny letters
at the end of a very
long article.
And today you got your name
in big black letters...
...on the front page
and you’re
still not happy.
If you ask me
you can’t see
DeForest Kelley
for the trees.
I guess things are going
pretty well, aren’t they?
Well, isn’t that
the undergarment of the year?
Balki, don’t you wanna
read my article?
Why cousin?
You already read it to us.
And very well,
I might add.
Well, you might at least, uh,
take a look at the very end.
"Balki Bartokomous contributed
to this article."
My name
in the paper.
Wait until
mama sees this.
Thank you, cousin.
You’re welcome.
Listen, cousin,
maybe someday
the team of Bartokomous
and Appleton
will win
a Pulitzer prize.
Appleton
and Bartokomous.
Y‐you’re absolutely
right. Yeah.
[theme music]
[theme music]