Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 19 - He's the Boss - full transcript

[theme music]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter
what the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life
and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ Who can take a mailbag ♪

♪ Mailbag mailbag ♪

♪ Dump it on his desk ♪
♪ Dump it on his desk ♪

♪ Stamp each letter twice ♪

♪ Before he has
to take a rest ♪



♪ The Balki man ♪

♪ Oh the Balki man can ♪

Bartokomous.

♪ The Balki man can ♪

♪ ’Cause he wets it
with his tongue ♪

♪ To make the stamp
stay on ♪

Bartokomous,
where is Mr. Glover’s mail?

I’m proud to say
that the mail

for the new executive
vice president

was delivered first thing
this morning by sincerely yours.

Oh! Darn it.

I wanted to deliver
Mr. Glover’s mail myself.

Never mind.
I’ll send him a gift.

Oh, he’ll like that.

Something classy.

I wonder
if "Bambi" is available.

I’m sure it is.

I‐I returned
my copy this morning.

It’s kind of fun
watching Gorpley grovel.

Well, I think
we’ve all been a little nervous

ever since Mr. Wainwright
gave Glover carte blanche

to reorganize
the newspaper.

Question, cousin.

Why would Mr. Wainwright
give him carte blanche

when more businesses worldwide
accept Visa and MasterCard?

No, Balki,
carte blanche means

Glover can make
any changes he wants to.

And that includes
hiring and firing.

Well, at least
I can rest easy.

When your advice column
is syndicated

in over 800 newspapers

you don’t have to
worry about your job.

Well, I got rid of some
of the dead wood

in advertising,
Mr. Wainwright.

That’s‐that’s him.
That’s Mr. Glover.

And there’s
a bright young reporter

in the financial department,
Craig Howard

who should have his own column,
if that’s alright with you, sir.

Whatever you think’s
best, Glover.

If you can do
for us what you did

for the St. Louis examiner,
I’ll be a happy man.

You can count on it,
Mr. Wainwright.

You just enjoy your week
at the publisher’s conference.

Have a nice trip,
Mr. Wainwright.

Thank you, Appleton.

Appleton.

Appleton?

Oh, so you wrote
the article

on corruption
in the sanitation department?

Good job.

Thank you,
Mr. Glover, thank you.

Oh, uh,
Mr. Wainwright.

If you run into
Rupert Murdoch at the conference

be sure and tell him
Lydia Markham says hello.

We’re‐we’re old friends.

Oh, so you are
Lydia Markham.

I wanted to talk to you
about your readers.

Oh, yes.

There are a lot of them,
aren’t there?

Yes. But unfortunately,
they’re all over 40.

We’re trying to appeal
to a younger crowd now

Lydia, and you’re not helping.
Be in my office at 2:00.

Miss Lydia,
are‐are you okay?

You want,
you want to sit down?

Sit down?
Who’s got time to sit down?

If I‐I don’t start
writing about pimples

petting and puberty,
I’m history!

Cousin, Miss Lydia
seemed really upset.

Yeah, upset, too bad.

Did you hear what Glover
said about my article?

Balki, this could be it.

I know Craig Howard
in financial

I’m twice
the writer he is.

And he is getting
his own column!

Maybe you’ll get
two columns!

Balki, the point is,
if Glover’s moved him up

I can’t be far behind.

Cousin, maybe your ship
has finally hit the fan!

Oh good.
I’m glad you’re still here.

I wanted to talk to you
about a promotion.

I’ve created a new department
here called Editorial Services

and I think
the most qualified person

to head up
that department is you.

‐Thank you, sir.
‐Not you.

I was talking to him.

Congratulations,
Bartokomous.

You’re an executive.

You! You’re fired.

[instrumental music]

But why did Mr. Grover
give you such a big office?

Because he had to, it’s the only
place they could fit

my giant, humongous desk.

Have you seen
his desk, Larry?

No, I was busy
working all day

at my little desk in the...

...in the giant,
humongous basement.

Tell me about
the chair again, Balki.

Well,
it’s a rolling chair.

And it’s just like
Cousin Larry’s

only it has
all its wheels.

And...it’s covered
with leather.

Before we get
into fabrics

uh, does anybody
want some more coffee?

‐Oh, no.
‐No, thanks.

Well, I’ll make some anyway
’cause I wanna be alert

when we discuss
the carpeting.

Oh, the carpeting!

’I’m pretty sure
it’s an Anso 4 thread nylon’

’and, uh, did I mention
it’s Wear‐Dated?’

Um, Larry, is Balki’s
promotion bothering you?

Well, I‐I just don’t get it.

I mean this morning
he was working in the mail room.

And this afternoon
he’s got a huge office

on the executive floor.

Well, maybe you’re a little
jealous of Balki.

Oh, Jennifer,
please.

Please.

I mean, do you think
I’d be jealous of Balki

just because
he has his own office?

Well, I‐‐

Deep pile carpeting
and a huge desk...

Larry, I just felt
that there was‐‐

And a window that looks out
over the Chicago skyline

so he can sit
in his Corinthian leather chair

and enjoy
the sunset, ha ha.

I mean, do you think
that would make me jealous?

Yes.

Okay, you’re right.

But I’m not gonna let
any petty jealousy

stop me from being happy
for my best friend.

You know, I think
powerful men are very sexy.

You do?

I do.

Balki, buddy.

I just want you to know

that no one is happier
for you than I am.

Oh, thank you, cousin.

And if anybody
deserves a break, you do.

Oh, cousin, thank you.

Listen...I know
I don’t need to say this.

But I want you to know that
my new executive lifestyle

is not going to change
our friendship in any way.

I know that.

And to celebrate
your promotion

I’d like to take you
to lunch tomorrow.

Tomorrow’s no good for me.

[instrumental music]

(female #1)
’There’s a Mr. Appleton
here to see you.’

(Balki)
’Cousin Larry!’

Oh, I’m so glad you
come to visit me.

Well, my pleasure.

‐Interesting outfit.
‐Oh, thank you.

I’m trying to
dress for excess.

Well, you’re succeeding.

Well, Balki, th‐this
place is incredible.

Oh, thank you, cousin.

Cousin, cousin, you‐you come,
look at this. Look at this.

They are so generous.

They give me a refrigerator
and a microwave.

I’m conducting
an experiment

to see how fast
I can boil water

and then freeze it.

My personal best
is 18 minutes.

Well, I guess
the 15‐minute barrier

is right around the corner.

And, cousin, as if all of this
weren’t enough, look at this.

Look at this!

They gave me...

...my very own...

...salad maker!

Balki, that’s
a paper shredder.

A paper salad?

Interesting concept.

I guess with a light vinaigrette
and some croutons, why not?

Well, it sounds tasty

but a‐actually
I’m here on business.

Mr. Glover assigned me to
interview you for the newspaper.

‐Get out of the city!
‐No, I’m serious.

He wants me to trace
what he calls

your meteoric rise
from the mail room

to head
of Editorial Services.

Well, why don’t
we step on over here...

...to what I like to call

my "Sitting down
and talking area?"

And get up
close and personal.

Great.

Uh, maybe you could tell me what
the head of Editorial Services

does on a typical day?

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

So many things.

I‐I just, I don’t know
where to begin.

I’m as busy as a mosquito
in a nudist colony.

I’ll go, I’ll‐I’ll go
read you from my book.

"One o’clock,
get my picture taken.

"Two o’clock,
get my picture taken.

"Three o’clock...

...get my picture taken."

Balki, is‐is that
all you do

get your picture taken?

Well, of course not.

Don’t be ridiculous.

"3:30, meet with
Cousin Larry."

But we better
wrap this up quick

because at 4 o’clock
I’ve got to...

(both)
Get my picture taken.

[knock on door]

‐Mr. Bartokomous.
‐’Mr. Glover!’

Uh, Mr. Bartokomous,
some members

of the Chamber of Commerce
are outside.

Would you mind
having your picture taken?

Would I mind?

Does Miss Mypos
have a moustache?

I’ll‐I’ll be right back.

Mr. Glover...

...I’m glad you’re here.

I’m‐I’m having a little trouble
with this assignment.

Uh, uh, maybe you can clear
some things up for me.

I’d be happy to.

What exactly does the head
of Editorial Services do?

Well, he’s a...

...liaison between editorial
operations and management

providing a vital source
of input to reduce friction

and enhance efficiency.

And how precisely
does Balki do that?

Well, in a, uh,
variety of ways

by networking
within the infrastructure

and interfacing
with the private sector.

I’m sorry, Mr. Glover

but that‐that sounds
like a lot of double‐talk

for somebody
who’s got no job at all.

Okay, Appleton, okay.

Let me clear
something up for you.

Have you ever heard
of a government program

called American Dream?

Well, sure, It’s a training
program for immigrants.

Helps them acquire
the skills necessary

to advance
in the business community.

Hmm, that’s the one.

Well,
I promoted Bartokomous

as a part
of that program.

As far as I can tell, you’re not
training Balki to do anything.

[chuckling]
It’s a waste of time.

Now, it’s much easier
to have you write an article

that makes it look like
I trained him.

Well, Mr. Glover,
what you’re doing

is...tokenism.

I‐I can’t write a story
to help you do that.

Well, okay.

If you,
if you can’t write it

well, uh, I can find,
uh, someone else who can

while you look
for another job.

Think about it.

[instrumental music]

Jennifer,
it’s just not right.

What Glover has done
is take a valuable program

that helps people
who could use a break

and turned it into
a meaningless showcase.

Larry, you have to tell
Balki what’s happening.

Well, I’ve tried to
everyday this week

but he’s so happy.

I just hate
to burst his bubble.

Well, maybe he’s not as happy
as you think he is.

I am the happiest Mypiot

in the entire solar plexus!

Then again,
what do I know?

Well, I have to go.
I’ll see you later.

Jennifer, Jennifer...

...we don’t see enough
of each other anymore.

Have your people
call my people

and we’ll do lunch?

I’ll do that.

‐Bye.
‐Bye.

Well, Balki...

...it seems you’re really
happy with your new job.

Oh, come on,
cousin. Get real.

I’m living
the life of Pat Riley!

How could I not be happy?

I mean, how could
I not be happy?

I guess
you got everything.

I sure do.

[sobbing]
So how could I
not be happy?

Balki, Balki

you mean, you’re not happy?

No, I’m not.

Well, why not?

I don’t know.

I know I should be.

I know I’ve got everything
a Mypiot could wish for

[sobbing]
but something’s missing.

What?

[sobbing]
Something’s missing.

What?

‐Something’s missing.
‐Oh, something’s missing.

Well, yes, Balki.

What’s missing
is a real job.

But I have a real job.
I’m head of Editorial Services.

And what exactly does the head
of Editorial Services do?

I don’t know.

Every time I ask
Mr. Glover what my job is...

...I get
my picture taken.

I’m beginning to feel

like the Christie Brinkley
of "The Chronicle."

Well, Balki, I’m afraid
that’s exactly what you are.

I am?

Oh, cousin, I hope they
don’t have a Swimsuit Issue.

No, Balki, what I mean is,
Glover has created this job

so it’ll look like
"The Chronicle" is complying

with a government program
that helps immigrants.

But there really
is no job at all.

It’s a fake, a sham,
and‐and you’re just a...

...a puppet
in Glover’s sleazy scheme.

Oh, cousin,
that is the best news

I’ve heard since they
brought back "The Munsters."

‐It is?
‐Yes.

I thought that everyone knew
what my job was, but me.

Now, I can quit
this sleazy puppet show

and go back
to the mail room.

No, Balki, Balki.

If you do that,
Glover will just replace you

with somebody else.

But that
won’t solve the problem.

No, it won’t.

What we have to do is find
a way to get rid of Glover

so the program will work
the way it’s supposed to.

How we do that?

Well, I think if we give
Glover enough rope...

...he just
might hang himself.

I’d prefer nonviolence.

[instrumental music]

Appleton, I’ve just
gotten off the plane.

I’ve got jet lagged,
and I’ve eaten airline food.

What is so important
that I come here

before I go
to my office?

Mr. Wainwright, we thought
you might be interested

in some of the changes
Mr. Glover has made.

So, I’d like you to meet the new
head of Editorial Services.

Fine, have him call me.
We’ll have lunch.

M‐Mr. Wainwright,
it’s me, Balki Bartokomous.

You?

Well, I‐I’m sure Glover
knows what he’s doing.

He knows
what he’s doing.

But we thought you should
know what he’s doing.

Mr. Glover’s
on his way up.

‐Okay.
‐Mr. Wainwright.

There’s no time to explain

but what Glover’s
doing is wrong.

And you’re the only person
with the power to stop him.

So, we were wondering
if you’d mind very much

hiding under the desk?

What?

Well, I know it’s a strange
request but it‐it’s the only way

we can prove
our case against Glover.

You want me
to get under the desk?

Y‐Yes, sir.

If I’m wrong,
you can fire me.

That’s a given.

‐Mr. Glover’s here.
‐Okay, okay.

I don’t believe
I’m doing this.

Appleton!

They told me
I would find you here.

This is not the article
I told you to write.

Now, you do it over,
and you do it my way.

Well, I just
told the truth

uh, about the way
you’re implementing

the American Dream program.

And I merely pointed out
that Balki isn’t getting

the real opportunities the‐the
program is designed to give.

Oh, well, why don’t we ask
Balki about that?

Balki?

Are you unhappy
in your new position here?

Well,
I’m not one to complain

but all I do
is get my picture taken.

I’m starting to get
flashbulb burn.

Mr. Glover, doesn’t
the program have something

to do with
training immigrants?

Oh, sure. Sure.
I could train him.

But then he’d go to lunch

and I’d have
to train him again.

Forgive me,
Mr‐Mr. Glover.

I’m‐I’m just a poor,
ignorant immigrant.

English is not
my mother’s tongue.

But are you saying

you never had
any intention

of giving me
anything to do?

No. You’re doing
something, Bartokomous.

You’re taking a job away
from a real American

who deserves it.

Oh, I see.

So‐so you’re saying

that if a person
is not born here

then he has no right
to work here.

No, no, no, no,
you foreigners can work here

but the good jobs
should go to real Americans.

Now, am I talking
too fast for you?

Mr. Glover, you may
have been born in America

but you’re not much
of an American.

You’re too small
and narrow minded

to know the meaning
of the word.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe you know
the meaning of these words...

...you’re fired!

I’ll do
the firing around here.

Uh, M‐M‐Mr. Wainwright.
How‐how was your trip, sir?

Save it, Glover.
Clean out your desk.

Clean out my desk?

Uh, I’m doing
a great job here.

Your costs are down.

Your circulation is up.

There are more
important things

than lower cost
and higher circulation.

I’m not firing you
because you’re doing a bad job.

I’m firing you
because you’re a bigot

and there’s no room
in "The Chronicle" for bigots.

Mr. Glover, I know you’re not
wild about government programs

but you might want
to look into Unemployment.

Goodbye, Mr. Glover.

Mr. Glover.

On your way out you can have
Maria validate your parking.

That was a gutsy
thing you two did.

Well, we know our way around
guts, Mr. Wainwright.

I don’t know if you’ve ever
made sausage from scratch‐‐

‐Balki, Balki.
‐You have to get right up‐‐

Balki, Balki, Mr. Wainwright
is saying we’re brave.

And I still
want you to be part

of the American Dream program,
Balki.

Does that mean
I have to stay in this job?

Not at all. I’m sending you back
to the mail room for time being.

But, Appleton, I want you
to take Bartokomous

under your wing
and train him.

Show him what it’s like to be
an investigative reporter.

My pleasure, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Wainwright.

Keep up
the good work, boys.

Balki, did you hear that?

You are gonna get a chance
to become a real reporter!

Cousin, now we are so happy,
we do the Dance of Joy!

♪ Dai dai dai dai ♪

♪ Da‐dai dai dai
dai dai ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

[instrumental music]

[theme music]