Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 18 - A Blast from the Past - full transcript
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stop
me now ♪
[instrumental music]
[humming]
♪ If there’s something strange ♪
♪ In your neighborhood ♪
♪ Who you gonna call ♪
♪ Dirtbuster ♪
♪ And it don’t look good ♪
♪ Who you gonna call ♪
♪ Dirtbuster ♪
♪ I ain’t afraid
of no dirt ♪
Oh, cousin!
I see you ate a doughnut
on the way home.
I brought you your favorite...
chocolate covered.
Hot diggity doughnut!
But I can’t eat
them right now
and I’ll tell you why.
Because I’ve got some news
that’s gonna blow your nose.
What’s that?
Cousin,
Marvin is on his way
over here to take us
out to dinner.
Marvin?
Marvin who?
Marvin Berman.
Don’t you remember him?
Marvin Berman...
...Marvin Berman?
Marvin Berman!
(Larry)
’Alright, you stay.
We’re leaving.’
Nobody is going anywhere.
Oh, and how are you
going to stop us?
With this.
[intense music]
Oh, my Lord!
He’s wearing
a dynamite vest.
Marvin...
...why are you doing this
over a silly article?
Because it gave all the credit
to that idiot boss of mine.
When the real mastermind behind
the money laundering scheme...
...was me.
‐You?
‐Yes.
I set up
the dummy corporations.
I set up
the fake bank accounts.
I picked out
the office furniture.
[timer beeping]
Guys...
Guys, I can’t
turn off the timer.
Oh, God...
...I‐I’m no good
under pressure.
Oh! I‐I‐I’m‐I’m a fainter.
No. No! Marvin!
Marvin!
Marvin, wake up!
Cousin, we better do
something soon.
We’ve only got
20 seconds left.
Twenty seconds?
Eighteen...
...seventeen...
sixteen...
Balki,
we’re gonna die!
We’re gonna die!
We’re going to die!
We’re going to die!
How could you do
this to me?
How could you invite
a certified homicidal maniac
into our home?
I can’t talk
while you’re doing that.
Thank you.
Cousin, first of all...
...Marvin is not a certified
homicidal mechanic.
He’s a certified
public accountant.
Balki, he tried
to blow us up.
Oh! Is that
what you’re worried about?
Marvin has kicked
the dynamite habit.
His therapist says
he’s completely cured
and he just wants to come over
and take us out to dinner
as a way
of saying thanks.
Thanks for what?
For keeping him
from being blown to figurines.
Balki, I really need
some time to think about this.
Well, of course you do,
don’t be ridiculous.
Take all the time
you need.
[knock on door]
Time’s up.
That’s Marvin.
‐Marvin!
‐Hello, Balki.
‐Oh.
‐Oh.
‐Hi, Larry.
‐Hi, Marvin.
Oh, it’s good
to see you guys.
Oh boy, it’s good
to see you too.
Listen, guys, I have
something I have to show you.
I am wearing...
...a dynamite vest!
Oh! Oh! Oh.
‐Gotcha.
‐Oh, Marvin.
You are some kidder.
Well, Dr. Shore
at the hospital told me
if I could
laugh at my problems
I’d be able to handle
them better.
Well, it kind
of makes it rough
on the rest of us, Marvin.
Oh, hey, I’m sorry, Larry.
Listen, if it weren’t
for you two guys
I‐I’d still be trying
to solve my problems
by blowing people up.
Oh, Marvin,
po, po, po...
I’m sure after you exploded
one bomb on your chest
you’d see
it wasn’t a solution.
Maybe.
But you guys
changed my life.
You got, you got me to give
myself up, get psychiatric help
testify against my boss...
...who took all
the credit for that
money laundering scheme
that was actually my idea!
‐Marvin.
‐I’m over that now.
L‐listen, I owe you guys a lot,
and the least I can do
is take you out
for a night on the town.
Oh, cousin,
isn’t that nice?
‐Charming.
‐Wait a minute.
‐What’s this?
‐Dynamite!
Hit the deck!
Gotcha again.
It’s chocolate.
See?
"Shtick of dynamite."
The‐the‐the candy store also
had a butterscotch hand grenade
but I thought
this was funnier.
Oh, I tell you,
the‐the doctor was right.
Having a sense of humor
makes life a blast.
[laughs]
Oh! Makes life a blast!
"Life a blast."
[laughs]
Oh!
Ha ha ha!
[no audio]
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
I haven’t, I haven’t,
I haven’t even told you
the punch line yet.
So the guy
turns around to the kangaroo
and he says, "Don’t look at me.
You’re the one with the pouch!"
I love marsupial humor.
Boy, am I glad
I didn’t blow you guys up.
Oh boy, I am too.
Hey...to celebrate the fact
that we’re still alive
I’m gonna make
some cocoa.
Oh! Oh, ya, you know,
Marvin, I‐I gotta tell ya
[chuckles]
I‐I was a little
nervous at first.
‐Oh! Ah!
‐You are an okay guy.
No, this evening has
been a lot of fun.
It sure has.
You know, a lot of people
told me, I‐I shouldn’t go out
in public, because they figured
I’d be gunned down.
Marvin, you want
marshmallows?
Two, please.
Marvin,
wh‐what do you mean
you might be
gunned down?
Oh, don’t worry
about me.
Tomorrow, I go into
the Government Witness
Protection program.
Congratulations, Marvin.
Cousin, you want marshmallows?
One.
Thanks.
Marvin...who do you need
to be protected from?
I thought all the people
you testified
against were sent to prison.
All except two.
They couldn’t make a case
against them, heh‐heh.
Balki...
which do you prefer?
The big marshmallows
or the minis?
Oh, I like the big ones.
They last longer
and every once in a while
you come across one that
looks like Tip O’Neill.
Marvin, these two guys that
you didn’t send to prison
aren’t they kind
of upset with you?
Oh, yeah.
But who cares? They’re just
a couple of enforcers.
Balki, just
a suggestion...nutmeg.
Love it!
‐Enforcers?
‐Yeah.
You know, gangsters,
hit men who kill people.
‐Who wants Sweet’n Low?
‐Me.
Well, Marvin, you shouldn’t
be out in public.
Larry, there is nothing
to worry about.
‐I have contacts.
‐Contacts?
You mean you know people who
will protect you from the mob?
No. I mean,
I’m wearing contacts.
They change the color
of my eyes.
Nobody will
recognize me.
‐Changes my whole appearance.
‐Well, Marvin.
You know, uh, it’s been
very nice seeing you again
and good luck
in all your endeavors.
Wait a minute!
I‐I haven’t had my cocoa yet.
We’ll mail it to you.
I‐I don’t believe
what my eyes are hearing.
Was it the nutmeg remark?
I’m not married to the nutmeg.
‐Cousin‐‐
‐No, Balki, don’t you get it?
The mob is after this man.
They want to kill him,
and if we are with him
they might want
to kill us too.
Are you saying you
want me to leave?
Because if you want me to leave,
just say you want me to leave.
‐I want you to leave.
‐What are you saying?
We’re saying,
we‐we don’t want you to leave.
Cousin, cousin,
your imagination is playing
trick or treat
with your mind.
We haven’t seen
anyone that looks like
they want
to hurt Marvin.
Uh, of course,
you wouldn’t see them.
No, no, no.
T‐they’re professionals.
That’s right.
For all we know they could have
been following us all night.
We‐we don’t know if they’re
just watching us right now...
Oh, my Lord!
The‐the blinds
are wide open!
Cousin, cousin, cousin
you’re making a mountain
out of a Mohawk.
The next thing
you’re going to say
is that‐that big,
humongous man
standing across the street
is a killer.
Oh, my God!
That looks like
Max the Terminator!
It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Arnold, loved you
in "Twins!"
No, no, no,
no, no.
Max is the mob’s top hit man.
He’s the best.
‐This is really quite an honor.
‐Well...you deserve it.
Oh!
We’ve got to call
the police.
Hello! Hello?
The phone’s dead.
They cut the wires.
Well, they’re
in big trouble now.
They’ll have to answer
to the phone company for this.
We’ve got to make
a run for it!
Cousin, why we did
come back in?
Because there’s a man
blocking the stairs.
He must be one
of the killers.
He’s wearing
a shoulder holster.
Well, just because
the man is a fashion maverick
don’t mean
he’s a bad person.
A gun! He has a gun
in the shoulder holster.
Oh God!
We’re trapped!
We’re all gonna die!
[instrumental music]
There’s a hit man on the street,
another on the stairs.
I don’t wanna die.
I don’t wanna die.
‐I don’t wanna die.
‐No, Marvin! Marvin! Marvin!
‐Pull yourself together!
‐Whoa!
Oh, I don’t
feel too good.
I better lie down.
I’m a fainter,
you know.
Oh.
It’s gonna be alright.
It’s gonna be alright.
We just have to
find a way
to get a message
out of here!
Cousin, if we were outdoors,
we could make a fire
and send up
smoke signals.
Yeah, well,
we’re not outdoors...
‐Signals! Yes!
‐I’ll get the matches!
You want me to start
breaking up furniture?
No! No!
Balki!
[grunts]
Not smoke signals.
We’ll tap out a distress signal
in Morse Code on the ceiling.
Jennifer and Mary Anne
will hear it
and call the police!
Let’s go!
(both)
Aah!
Jennifer and Mary Anne
know Morse Code?
They’re flight
attendants.
They learn all the codes,
Morse, area, zip.
Now, we’ll send an SOS.
S is dot‐dash‐dot.
‐No cousin, it’s dot‐dot‐dot.
‐No, it’s dot‐dash‐dot.
‐Dot‐dot‐dot.
‐Dot‐dash‐dot.
‐Dot‐dot‐dot.
‐Dot‐dash‐dot.
‐Dot‐dot‐dot.
‐Dot‐dash‐dot.
Cousin, cousin.
I used to work
for Mypos Western Union, okay?
Dot‐dot‐dot.
Alright.
Yeah, wait!
[pounding]
Sorry.
I guess I over‐tapped.
[knock on door]
Wow!
That was quick.
I must be good.
Well, careful.
This could be a trick.
Who is it?
(Jennifer)
’Larry, stop clowning around.’
Jennifer, Mary Anne,
get‐get in here quick.
What’s all
the screaming about?
Girls, go back upstairs
we’re trying to send you
a message to call the police.
Well, it’s too late now.
No, it isn’t, cousin,
the police are open all night.
Larry, What’s all this
about the police?
Jennifer, I don’t
want to alarm you
but we’re surrounded
by killers.
You’re kidding, right?
No, he’s serious.
‐Who are you?
‐Uh, I’m Marvin Berman.
The man the killers
are trying to kill.
How do you do?
I’m Mary Anne.
Nice to meet you.
Someone’s trying
to kill you?
Well, I‐I think,
I think I can clear this up.
You see, Marvin, uh,
was a witness against the mob
and they’re not
taking it well
so...they sent
Arnold Schwarzenegger
and the fashion victim
down the hall...to kill him.
But don’t worry, because
if we can hold on till tomorrow
Marvin will be in
the Witness Projectile Program.
Marvin Berman!
Well, you’re the guy who tried
to blow up Larry and Balki.
‐Guilty as charged.
‐Oh.
Why don’t we just
call the police?
The phone lines
have been cut.
‐You mean, we’re trapped?
‐No, we are not.
Someone could go up
the fire escape
across the roof
to the next building.
‐You could get help there.
‐That might work.
Even if Max shoots, the falling
body will draw attention.
Well, somebody’s
got to do something.
‐I’m going.
‐Be careful, Larry.
Jennifer,
if I don’t come back...
...promise me
you’ll never marry.
Gee, Larry,
never is a long time.
I’ll have to
think about it.
That’s good enough for me.
Well...
...I guess this is it.
(Balki)
’There goes a brave man.’
’A man who is willing
to risk his life’
for his friends.
A man who is willing
to fight any foe.
A man, who is coming back
in the window.
There’s another man
on the roof.
There’s no way out.
Boy, I bet they wouldn’t
treat me like this
if I was wearing dynamite.
[knock on door]
(male #1)
’Anybody home?
It’s the phone man.’
Oh, thank goodness,
it’s the phone man.
(all)
No. No! No!
Mary Anne, it’s the oldest
trick in the book.
They cut the phone lines,
and then they send in
a killer posing
as a repairman.
Oh, what are we
going to do?
Alright, look.
We’ll take him
by surprise.
When he comes in,
we’ll throw a blanket over him
and tie him up!
Balki, you get the tape.
Good idea, cousin.
We’ll record the capture.
Not that
kind of tape.
Get tape
to tie him up.
Alright, Jennifer
and Mary Anne
don’t open the door
till I give you the signal.
Marvin, stick with me.
[knock on door]
(male #1)
’Anybody home?
It’s the phone man.’
[knock on door]
Ready?
Now.
Won’t you come in?
I’m here to
eliminate a problem.
[screaming]
Spin him.
Spin him.
Balki, quick!
In the closet.
Not you!
Him! Him!
Now all we have to do
is do that every time
someone knocks on the door,
and we’re home free.
I hope we don’t run out
of blankets.
[knock on door]
[mumbling]
Right.
‐Won’t you come in?
‐Hello, I’m looking for‐‐
[screaming]
Spin him!
Spin him!
Spin him!
Freeze! FBI!
Cousin, it’s the oldest
trick in the book.
They pose as FBI agents
and then they come in
and fix your phone.
‐Dr. Shore!
‐You know him?
Shore? Sure.
I’m a psychiatrist.
I’ve been working with Marvin
for the past six months.
So these really are
FBI agents.
You know, in this light
he doesn’t look like
Max the Terminator at all.
But he does kind of look like
the neighbor on "Doogie Howser."
A lot of people
tell me that.
Marvin ran away
from the hotel
where he was being held
in protective custody...
...and given his
rather explosive past
the FBI thought
it would be wise
if I talk him
into coming back.
You didn’t have to go
to all that trouble.
Marvin, don’t you think
it would be nice
if you went with
these gentlemen
and got a head start
on your new life?
Sure, Dr. Shore.
Oh, Balki, Larry...
...it’s really been
an exciting evening.
Marvin, I’m gonna miss you,
you big lug nut!
Oh! I’m gonna
miss you too.
Listen, if you’re ever in
Topeka, Kansas, look me up.
M‐my new name’s
Orville Purdue.
Marvin!
You’re not supposed
to tell people that.
Oh! Ugh, forget that,
forget that.
‐Oh! Goodbye, Larry.
‐Goodbye, Marvin.
Nice meeting you, ladies.
‐Coming, Shore?
‐Sure.
Well, h‐how do you
like that?
They weren’t killers
after all. They were FBI.
Larry, don’t take
this personally
but this is
the last time
I come downstairs
when I hear screaming.
Perfectly
understandable.
Thanks for
a lovely evening, Balki.
I don’t get it,
I thought we were gonna see
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Well, why don’t we
clean this place up?
Then I’m gonna turn in.
Fear of death
really tires me out.
(both)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
W‐w‐we’re sorry.
I’m so sorry.
We‐we thought
you were, uh, a killer.
Well, I’m not a killer,
I’m with the phone company!
The phones
in this building are out.
By the way,
where’s your phone?
Uh, it’s right over there.
Thanks.
While you’re here, we’d like to
talk to you about call waiting.
You got it!
Well, if that’s all it took,
we could have done it ourselves.
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stop
me now ♪
[instrumental music]
[humming]
♪ If there’s something strange ♪
♪ In your neighborhood ♪
♪ Who you gonna call ♪
♪ Dirtbuster ♪
♪ And it don’t look good ♪
♪ Who you gonna call ♪
♪ Dirtbuster ♪
♪ I ain’t afraid
of no dirt ♪
Oh, cousin!
I see you ate a doughnut
on the way home.
I brought you your favorite...
chocolate covered.
Hot diggity doughnut!
But I can’t eat
them right now
and I’ll tell you why.
Because I’ve got some news
that’s gonna blow your nose.
What’s that?
Cousin,
Marvin is on his way
over here to take us
out to dinner.
Marvin?
Marvin who?
Marvin Berman.
Don’t you remember him?
Marvin Berman...
...Marvin Berman?
Marvin Berman!
(Larry)
’Alright, you stay.
We’re leaving.’
Nobody is going anywhere.
Oh, and how are you
going to stop us?
With this.
[intense music]
Oh, my Lord!
He’s wearing
a dynamite vest.
Marvin...
...why are you doing this
over a silly article?
Because it gave all the credit
to that idiot boss of mine.
When the real mastermind behind
the money laundering scheme...
...was me.
‐You?
‐Yes.
I set up
the dummy corporations.
I set up
the fake bank accounts.
I picked out
the office furniture.
[timer beeping]
Guys...
Guys, I can’t
turn off the timer.
Oh, God...
...I‐I’m no good
under pressure.
Oh! I‐I‐I’m‐I’m a fainter.
No. No! Marvin!
Marvin!
Marvin, wake up!
Cousin, we better do
something soon.
We’ve only got
20 seconds left.
Twenty seconds?
Eighteen...
...seventeen...
sixteen...
Balki,
we’re gonna die!
We’re gonna die!
We’re going to die!
We’re going to die!
How could you do
this to me?
How could you invite
a certified homicidal maniac
into our home?
I can’t talk
while you’re doing that.
Thank you.
Cousin, first of all...
...Marvin is not a certified
homicidal mechanic.
He’s a certified
public accountant.
Balki, he tried
to blow us up.
Oh! Is that
what you’re worried about?
Marvin has kicked
the dynamite habit.
His therapist says
he’s completely cured
and he just wants to come over
and take us out to dinner
as a way
of saying thanks.
Thanks for what?
For keeping him
from being blown to figurines.
Balki, I really need
some time to think about this.
Well, of course you do,
don’t be ridiculous.
Take all the time
you need.
[knock on door]
Time’s up.
That’s Marvin.
‐Marvin!
‐Hello, Balki.
‐Oh.
‐Oh.
‐Hi, Larry.
‐Hi, Marvin.
Oh, it’s good
to see you guys.
Oh boy, it’s good
to see you too.
Listen, guys, I have
something I have to show you.
I am wearing...
...a dynamite vest!
Oh! Oh! Oh.
‐Gotcha.
‐Oh, Marvin.
You are some kidder.
Well, Dr. Shore
at the hospital told me
if I could
laugh at my problems
I’d be able to handle
them better.
Well, it kind
of makes it rough
on the rest of us, Marvin.
Oh, hey, I’m sorry, Larry.
Listen, if it weren’t
for you two guys
I‐I’d still be trying
to solve my problems
by blowing people up.
Oh, Marvin,
po, po, po...
I’m sure after you exploded
one bomb on your chest
you’d see
it wasn’t a solution.
Maybe.
But you guys
changed my life.
You got, you got me to give
myself up, get psychiatric help
testify against my boss...
...who took all
the credit for that
money laundering scheme
that was actually my idea!
‐Marvin.
‐I’m over that now.
L‐listen, I owe you guys a lot,
and the least I can do
is take you out
for a night on the town.
Oh, cousin,
isn’t that nice?
‐Charming.
‐Wait a minute.
‐What’s this?
‐Dynamite!
Hit the deck!
Gotcha again.
It’s chocolate.
See?
"Shtick of dynamite."
The‐the‐the candy store also
had a butterscotch hand grenade
but I thought
this was funnier.
Oh, I tell you,
the‐the doctor was right.
Having a sense of humor
makes life a blast.
[laughs]
Oh! Makes life a blast!
"Life a blast."
[laughs]
Oh!
Ha ha ha!
[no audio]
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter]
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
I haven’t, I haven’t,
I haven’t even told you
the punch line yet.
So the guy
turns around to the kangaroo
and he says, "Don’t look at me.
You’re the one with the pouch!"
I love marsupial humor.
Boy, am I glad
I didn’t blow you guys up.
Oh boy, I am too.
Hey...to celebrate the fact
that we’re still alive
I’m gonna make
some cocoa.
Oh! Oh, ya, you know,
Marvin, I‐I gotta tell ya
[chuckles]
I‐I was a little
nervous at first.
‐Oh! Ah!
‐You are an okay guy.
No, this evening has
been a lot of fun.
It sure has.
You know, a lot of people
told me, I‐I shouldn’t go out
in public, because they figured
I’d be gunned down.
Marvin, you want
marshmallows?
Two, please.
Marvin,
wh‐what do you mean
you might be
gunned down?
Oh, don’t worry
about me.
Tomorrow, I go into
the Government Witness
Protection program.
Congratulations, Marvin.
Cousin, you want marshmallows?
One.
Thanks.
Marvin...who do you need
to be protected from?
I thought all the people
you testified
against were sent to prison.
All except two.
They couldn’t make a case
against them, heh‐heh.
Balki...
which do you prefer?
The big marshmallows
or the minis?
Oh, I like the big ones.
They last longer
and every once in a while
you come across one that
looks like Tip O’Neill.
Marvin, these two guys that
you didn’t send to prison
aren’t they kind
of upset with you?
Oh, yeah.
But who cares? They’re just
a couple of enforcers.
Balki, just
a suggestion...nutmeg.
Love it!
‐Enforcers?
‐Yeah.
You know, gangsters,
hit men who kill people.
‐Who wants Sweet’n Low?
‐Me.
Well, Marvin, you shouldn’t
be out in public.
Larry, there is nothing
to worry about.
‐I have contacts.
‐Contacts?
You mean you know people who
will protect you from the mob?
No. I mean,
I’m wearing contacts.
They change the color
of my eyes.
Nobody will
recognize me.
‐Changes my whole appearance.
‐Well, Marvin.
You know, uh, it’s been
very nice seeing you again
and good luck
in all your endeavors.
Wait a minute!
I‐I haven’t had my cocoa yet.
We’ll mail it to you.
I‐I don’t believe
what my eyes are hearing.
Was it the nutmeg remark?
I’m not married to the nutmeg.
‐Cousin‐‐
‐No, Balki, don’t you get it?
The mob is after this man.
They want to kill him,
and if we are with him
they might want
to kill us too.
Are you saying you
want me to leave?
Because if you want me to leave,
just say you want me to leave.
‐I want you to leave.
‐What are you saying?
We’re saying,
we‐we don’t want you to leave.
Cousin, cousin,
your imagination is playing
trick or treat
with your mind.
We haven’t seen
anyone that looks like
they want
to hurt Marvin.
Uh, of course,
you wouldn’t see them.
No, no, no.
T‐they’re professionals.
That’s right.
For all we know they could have
been following us all night.
We‐we don’t know if they’re
just watching us right now...
Oh, my Lord!
The‐the blinds
are wide open!
Cousin, cousin, cousin
you’re making a mountain
out of a Mohawk.
The next thing
you’re going to say
is that‐that big,
humongous man
standing across the street
is a killer.
Oh, my God!
That looks like
Max the Terminator!
It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Arnold, loved you
in "Twins!"
No, no, no,
no, no.
Max is the mob’s top hit man.
He’s the best.
‐This is really quite an honor.
‐Well...you deserve it.
Oh!
We’ve got to call
the police.
Hello! Hello?
The phone’s dead.
They cut the wires.
Well, they’re
in big trouble now.
They’ll have to answer
to the phone company for this.
We’ve got to make
a run for it!
Cousin, why we did
come back in?
Because there’s a man
blocking the stairs.
He must be one
of the killers.
He’s wearing
a shoulder holster.
Well, just because
the man is a fashion maverick
don’t mean
he’s a bad person.
A gun! He has a gun
in the shoulder holster.
Oh God!
We’re trapped!
We’re all gonna die!
[instrumental music]
There’s a hit man on the street,
another on the stairs.
I don’t wanna die.
I don’t wanna die.
‐I don’t wanna die.
‐No, Marvin! Marvin! Marvin!
‐Pull yourself together!
‐Whoa!
Oh, I don’t
feel too good.
I better lie down.
I’m a fainter,
you know.
Oh.
It’s gonna be alright.
It’s gonna be alright.
We just have to
find a way
to get a message
out of here!
Cousin, if we were outdoors,
we could make a fire
and send up
smoke signals.
Yeah, well,
we’re not outdoors...
‐Signals! Yes!
‐I’ll get the matches!
You want me to start
breaking up furniture?
No! No!
Balki!
[grunts]
Not smoke signals.
We’ll tap out a distress signal
in Morse Code on the ceiling.
Jennifer and Mary Anne
will hear it
and call the police!
Let’s go!
(both)
Aah!
Jennifer and Mary Anne
know Morse Code?
They’re flight
attendants.
They learn all the codes,
Morse, area, zip.
Now, we’ll send an SOS.
S is dot‐dash‐dot.
‐No cousin, it’s dot‐dot‐dot.
‐No, it’s dot‐dash‐dot.
‐Dot‐dot‐dot.
‐Dot‐dash‐dot.
‐Dot‐dot‐dot.
‐Dot‐dash‐dot.
‐Dot‐dot‐dot.
‐Dot‐dash‐dot.
Cousin, cousin.
I used to work
for Mypos Western Union, okay?
Dot‐dot‐dot.
Alright.
Yeah, wait!
[pounding]
Sorry.
I guess I over‐tapped.
[knock on door]
Wow!
That was quick.
I must be good.
Well, careful.
This could be a trick.
Who is it?
(Jennifer)
’Larry, stop clowning around.’
Jennifer, Mary Anne,
get‐get in here quick.
What’s all
the screaming about?
Girls, go back upstairs
we’re trying to send you
a message to call the police.
Well, it’s too late now.
No, it isn’t, cousin,
the police are open all night.
Larry, What’s all this
about the police?
Jennifer, I don’t
want to alarm you
but we’re surrounded
by killers.
You’re kidding, right?
No, he’s serious.
‐Who are you?
‐Uh, I’m Marvin Berman.
The man the killers
are trying to kill.
How do you do?
I’m Mary Anne.
Nice to meet you.
Someone’s trying
to kill you?
Well, I‐I think,
I think I can clear this up.
You see, Marvin, uh,
was a witness against the mob
and they’re not
taking it well
so...they sent
Arnold Schwarzenegger
and the fashion victim
down the hall...to kill him.
But don’t worry, because
if we can hold on till tomorrow
Marvin will be in
the Witness Projectile Program.
Marvin Berman!
Well, you’re the guy who tried
to blow up Larry and Balki.
‐Guilty as charged.
‐Oh.
Why don’t we just
call the police?
The phone lines
have been cut.
‐You mean, we’re trapped?
‐No, we are not.
Someone could go up
the fire escape
across the roof
to the next building.
‐You could get help there.
‐That might work.
Even if Max shoots, the falling
body will draw attention.
Well, somebody’s
got to do something.
‐I’m going.
‐Be careful, Larry.
Jennifer,
if I don’t come back...
...promise me
you’ll never marry.
Gee, Larry,
never is a long time.
I’ll have to
think about it.
That’s good enough for me.
Well...
...I guess this is it.
(Balki)
’There goes a brave man.’
’A man who is willing
to risk his life’
for his friends.
A man who is willing
to fight any foe.
A man, who is coming back
in the window.
There’s another man
on the roof.
There’s no way out.
Boy, I bet they wouldn’t
treat me like this
if I was wearing dynamite.
[knock on door]
(male #1)
’Anybody home?
It’s the phone man.’
Oh, thank goodness,
it’s the phone man.
(all)
No. No! No!
Mary Anne, it’s the oldest
trick in the book.
They cut the phone lines,
and then they send in
a killer posing
as a repairman.
Oh, what are we
going to do?
Alright, look.
We’ll take him
by surprise.
When he comes in,
we’ll throw a blanket over him
and tie him up!
Balki, you get the tape.
Good idea, cousin.
We’ll record the capture.
Not that
kind of tape.
Get tape
to tie him up.
Alright, Jennifer
and Mary Anne
don’t open the door
till I give you the signal.
Marvin, stick with me.
[knock on door]
(male #1)
’Anybody home?
It’s the phone man.’
[knock on door]
Ready?
Now.
Won’t you come in?
I’m here to
eliminate a problem.
[screaming]
Spin him.
Spin him.
Balki, quick!
In the closet.
Not you!
Him! Him!
Now all we have to do
is do that every time
someone knocks on the door,
and we’re home free.
I hope we don’t run out
of blankets.
[knock on door]
[mumbling]
Right.
‐Won’t you come in?
‐Hello, I’m looking for‐‐
[screaming]
Spin him!
Spin him!
Spin him!
Freeze! FBI!
Cousin, it’s the oldest
trick in the book.
They pose as FBI agents
and then they come in
and fix your phone.
‐Dr. Shore!
‐You know him?
Shore? Sure.
I’m a psychiatrist.
I’ve been working with Marvin
for the past six months.
So these really are
FBI agents.
You know, in this light
he doesn’t look like
Max the Terminator at all.
But he does kind of look like
the neighbor on "Doogie Howser."
A lot of people
tell me that.
Marvin ran away
from the hotel
where he was being held
in protective custody...
...and given his
rather explosive past
the FBI thought
it would be wise
if I talk him
into coming back.
You didn’t have to go
to all that trouble.
Marvin, don’t you think
it would be nice
if you went with
these gentlemen
and got a head start
on your new life?
Sure, Dr. Shore.
Oh, Balki, Larry...
...it’s really been
an exciting evening.
Marvin, I’m gonna miss you,
you big lug nut!
Oh! I’m gonna
miss you too.
Listen, if you’re ever in
Topeka, Kansas, look me up.
M‐my new name’s
Orville Purdue.
Marvin!
You’re not supposed
to tell people that.
Oh! Ugh, forget that,
forget that.
‐Oh! Goodbye, Larry.
‐Goodbye, Marvin.
Nice meeting you, ladies.
‐Coming, Shore?
‐Sure.
Well, h‐how do you
like that?
They weren’t killers
after all. They were FBI.
Larry, don’t take
this personally
but this is
the last time
I come downstairs
when I hear screaming.
Perfectly
understandable.
Thanks for
a lovely evening, Balki.
I don’t get it,
I thought we were gonna see
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Well, why don’t we
clean this place up?
Then I’m gonna turn in.
Fear of death
really tires me out.
(both)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
W‐w‐we’re sorry.
I’m so sorry.
We‐we thought
you were, uh, a killer.
Well, I’m not a killer,
I’m with the phone company!
The phones
in this building are out.
By the way,
where’s your phone?
Uh, it’s right over there.
Thanks.
While you’re here, we’d like to
talk to you about call waiting.
You got it!
Well, if that’s all it took,
we could have done it ourselves.
[theme music]