Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 17 - Three's a Crowd - full transcript

[theme music]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s going to
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life
and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s going to
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

(Jennifer)
’Okay, it’s your turn, Balki.’

Okay, Balki, pet peeve.

"What bothers you most
about the person

sitting on your right?"

Ooh. This should be good.



This is very hard
for me to say.

The‐the‐the thing
that bothers me most

about cousin Larry

is...he doesn’t give
himself enough credit

for all the good
things he does.

Forgive me
if I’ve hurt you.

Oh...it’s okay.

Okay,
Mary Anne, your turn.

Ooh. I get a pet peeve too,
just like you.

Don’t do that.

Okay, "Name a fault
of the person sitting

across from you, or sing
a Barry Manilow song."

(all)
Answer the question.

Well, okay,
but it’s a tough one.

I mean, Jennifer’s
almost perfect.

Well, there is this one
teeny little fault.

It wouldn’t be
worth mentioning

if I didn’t want
to win the game.

Come on.

It’s her habit
of correcting everything I do.

[laughing]

Mary Anne,
I don’t do that.

Yes, you do.
Who’s next?

Wait a minute, Mary Anne,
if‐if your gonna

make a statement like that,
you have to explain it.

Should I roll
the dice for you?

Not now, Larry.

Now, what do you mean
I correct everything you do?

Alright,
fine, for example

every time I check
the passengers’ seat belts

you follow right along
behind me checking them again.

Well, I have to.
You’re careless.

‐I am not.
‐’Oh yeah?’

Last week
you left the oven on.

‐I was baking cookies.
‐For three days?

Well, I’m surprised
you had time to check the oven

you spend so much time
in front of a mirror.

Well, at least I don’t put
my makeup on with a spray gun.

This from a person
who snores like a teamster!

I don’t have to sit here
and take this from someone

who can’t remember
her real hair color.

Goodnight.

Oh! Oh, yeah?

Well, well,
at least I didn’t go

to the prom
with my brother!

[instrumental music]

The screaming
has stopped.

I think the girls
must have made up.

[knock on door]

Hi, Balki.

I just wanted to say goodbye

before I move out.

Why you are moving out?

Because I would
rather eat glass

than live with Jennifer!

Mary Anne,
you can’t be serious.

Cousin Larry’s right.

Glass is really tough
on your digestive system.

Mary Anne, Jennifer
is your best friend.

Ex‐best friend.

I’m gonna go
stay in a hotel

until I find
my own place.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You can forget about
going to a hotel.

You’ll stay
right here with us.

You’ll sleep in my room,
and I’ll stay on the couch.

Oh, Balki,
I couldn’t do that.

I’d be putting you out.
I’ll stay in a hotel.

Well, if you
think that’s best.

No, no, no.

You march yourself right on
in there and start unpacking.

Bush, bush, bush.

Cousin Larry
and I insist.

Oh, you guys
are the greatest.

I’ll try to stay
out of your way.

Oh, sorry, Larry.

Balki, you just made
a huge mistake.

I’m sorry, cousin.

Did you want to
give her your room?

I’ll go ask her.

I mean, you put us right in
the middle of their argument.

But, cousin, I’m just
helping Mary Anne.

What you would say
if Jennifer wanted to stay here?

Thank you, God.

But that’s not the point.

Balki, Jennifer
is going to think that

I’m taking
Mary Anne’s side.

Now, wait a minute.

Mary Anne
is my girlfriend.

She’ll be
staying in my room.

She’ll be
wearing my robe.

She’ll be using
my Mr. Ducky bubble bath.

There is no way
Jennifer could get mad at you.

[knock on door]

‐Oh, hi.
‐Hey, guys. Ugh!

Mary Anne just moved out.
I’m so mad.

Larry, I just need to talk.

Well, you came to
the right place.

Let’s go
to a coffee shop.

Balki, where do you
keep the towels?

Mary Anne,
what are you doing here?

Uh, Jennifer,
I think I can explain.

The guys insisted
I stay here.

Well, that doesn’t bother you,
does it, Jennifer?

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

[Mary Anne screaming]

Sorry, Mary Anne.

Ooh!

Ow!

[screams]

Ow!

[groans]

Whoa!

[groans]

[screaming]

Hi, cousin.

Balki...this has gone
far enough.

I haven’t seen the inside
of our bathroom in a week.

Well, the men’s room
at the gas station is available.

Although, if I were you

I’d bring a little
409 along with me.

Balki.

Our lives
have not been the same

since Mary Anne moved in.

We’re crowded,
the place is a mess.

And she treats us like
we’re passengers on a 747.

Come on, cousin.
You’re exaggerating.

Good morning, everyone.

If you’ll be seated, we can
start our breakfast service.

Can I put this in
the overhead bin for you, sir?

Oh, sure.

Now, come on, cousin.

How she’s going to get better
if she don’t practice?

Oh.

‐Now, window or aisle?
‐Window.

For those of you seated
on the left side of the aircraft

we’re passing over Chicago.

Would you care
for some coffee?

‐Please.
‐Please.

‐Thank you.
‐Thank you.

[clanking]

Balki? Would you like
pancakes or scrambled eggs?

I would like
pancakes, please.

Larry, what would you like?
Pancakes or scrambled eggs?

I’ll have
pancakes too.

Oh, I’m sorry,
we just ran out of pancakes.

Would eggs be alright?

Fine.

Well, enjoy your meal.

If you’ll excuse me...

...I think I’ll go help out
the gang in coach.

Balki,
Mary Anne has to go.

She’s driving me crazy.

Come on, cousin,
If Mary Anne moves out

how will the girls
ever get back together?

Balki,
it’s been a week!

Sh‐sh‐sh!

It’s been a week, and‐and
they’re still not talking.

They pass each other
on the stairs

ice forms on the walls.

B‐Balki, there’s no telling

how long this thing
is gonna go on.

But, cousin, I‐I can’t ask
my girlfriend to move out.

A‐anyway, I‐I like
having her around.

The way
she combs her hair.

The way
she sips her tea.

The way
she’s changed my life.

No, no, you can’t take that
away from me.

Well, great, in the meantime
I’m losing my girlfriend.

Jennifer insists
I’m harboring the enemy.

‐She won’t talk to me!
‐Oh.

Now, Balki,
it’s over.

Mary Anne has to go,
I am going to tell her that

she just can’t
stay here anymore.

‐Get out of my way.
‐Ha.

[gasps]

Ow, ow, ow!

Balki, I’m going
to tell Mary Anne

she just can’t
stay here anymore.

And nothing
you can do or say

will change my mind!

Surprise time.

Mary Anne, there’s something
I have to say to you.

Well, before you do
there’s something

I’d like to say
to both of you.

I just want to thank you
for letting me stay here.

And as a token
of my appreciation

I want you to have
these watches.

Those look expensive.

Oh, they are.
I bought them in Geneva.

I was gonna give them
to you for Christmas

but you guys
have been so good to me

I just couldn’t wait.

This one’s for you.

And this
one’s for you.

Wow.

Cousin,
was there...something

you wanted to say
to Mary Anne?

Yeah see,
M‐Mary Anne, listen.

Look, I‐I‐I just
have to tell you that...

Well, l‐look,
y‐y‐you just can’t...

...know what a joy it is
having you stay with us.

[instrumental music]

Uh, Jennifer, I am not
taking sides in this thing.

I’m not the one who invited
Mary Anne to stay here.

No, uh, no, Jennifer,
I’m warning you.

If you hang up on me again,
I am not calling you back.

Hel‐hello?

Cousin, good news!

Balki,
Mary Anne is out of here.

Cousin,
I came up with a plan

to get Jennifer
and Mary Anne back together.

Well, good, then maybe
we can work on a plan

to get Jennifer
and me back together.

Now, what’s your plan?

I reminded Mary Anne that

her television set
was still upstairs

and she went up
to get it!

Cousin, don’t you see?

When Mary Anne walks
in that room

and she sees Jennifer
and they start talking

the floodgates
of friendship will open up

and irrigate them both with
the milk of human kindness!

I don’t believe it!

That witch upstairs changed
the locks on the doors!

Hey,
miss‐have‐a friend‐for‐20‐years

and‐stab‐her‐in‐the‐back!

(Jennifer)
’Yeah, what is it,
beans‐for‐brains?’

I want my television back.

’Fine.’

Well,
I guess I told her.

[clattering]

That does it!
I’ll show her!

(Larry)
Mary Anne,
what are you gonna do?

I’m going to go out
and buy a new television!

It’s a good thing
I didn’t remind

Mary Anne about
her refrigerator.

Alright, Balki, it is time
to take direct action.

‐And I have a plan!
‐Oh, God!

Balki, if we
don’t do something

Jennifer and Mary Anne
may never get back together.

And the two of us are gonna
spend the rest of our lives

with our tray tables
in the upright position!

Let’s hear the plan.

[instrumental music]

(Larry)
’Thanks for understanding,
Jennifer.’

I’m glad
we’re talking again.

Well,
I don’t know, Larry.

I mean, um,
I’m living alone now.

I thought that, um...

...maybe we could
go up to my place

and, um, put on
some soft music

and, uh...

...decide what to do.

Now?

Now.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

No.

No, Jennifer, I‐I‐I really
think it would be better

if, uh, we just
stay here and watch TV.

Wait a minute, you would
rather stay here and watch TV

than go
upstairs with me?

Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

‐Mary Anne.
‐Jennifer.

Well, isn’t this
the darndest surprise?

Cousin Larry! Jennifer!

Well, slap my face,
and call me Zsa‐Zsa.

Oh, so now I see
what’s going on.

Now, now, hold on, now, now,
come on, come on, now

Jennifer, just a minute.

Not so fast, pilgrim!

Balki, give me the key.

I don’t think so.

‐Ha!
‐Well, then give me the key.

Double ha!
Oh, stop it! Stop it!

Larry, give me the key.

Give it to me,
give it to me.

‐Ha!
‐Ha!

‐Ha!
‐Ha!

‐Ha!
‐Ha!

There, now,
the door is locked

the key is gone,
there’s no way out.

Now, no one is leaving here
until you girls sit down

and get this
mess settled.

Oh, yeah, well,
I’m calling a locksmith

to get me
out of here.

Call two locksmiths.
I want to get out of here too.

Alright, Balki,
we’ve done what we can.

Let’s just forget it.

These two are never
gonna get back together.

Oh, come on, cousin,
You can’t just give up.

Just because two turtle doves
want to fly the coop

don’t mean you make it
easy for them

and buy them
tickets to Miami.

Get me
a locksmith too.

I got to get out of here. I am
tired of this Mypos garbage.

"Every barnyard
has a silver lining."

’Give me a break.’

Well, I was just
trying to be nice...

...something you might
want to try sometime

you big babasticki‐head!

Well, let me
tell you something.

"When you lie
down with sheep...

...you wake up
with ticks."

"Sticks and stones
may hurt Shirley Jones...

...but nerds
will never harm me."

Now, is that supposed
to mean something?

You’ve lived in this country
for four years!

Why don’t you learn
the language?

I know enough
of the language to tell you

what I think of you
in most uncertain terms!

Oh, yeah?

You’re short,
you’re stubborn

and you’re short!

This from a man
who names his shoes.

Well,
if that bothers you

maybe I’ll just
lace up Phil and Andy

and walk
right out of here.

Balki, I can’t believe
you’re doing this.

Guys, guys, you can’t just throw
away a friendship like that.

Why not? I can’t stand
living with this guy.

I’ve dreamed
of living alone.

Get yourself
another roommate.

I will.
Roommates are a dime a dance.

But good friendships aren’t.

You can’t let petty
disagreements break them up.

Petty disagreements?

What, like moving out

because someone insults
your hair color?

That happened
to you too?

Uh, Mary Anne, they’re‐they’re
talking about us.

They’re trying to show
us that we’re letting

petty disagreements
break up a friendship.

Now, come on, girls.

This has gone
on long enough.

It’s time for you
to say you’re sorry.

‐I’m sorry, Mary Anne.
‐I’m sorry, Jennifer.

Oh.

Thanks for showing us
how silly we were.

Oh...

You made it easy.

Hey, good friends
are hard to come by.

Cousin Larry’s right.
We’re all very lucky.

Hey, I got a great idea.

Why don’t we all go out
to dinner, and celebrate?

‐That’s a great idea.
‐But we’re locked in.

No. This is the real key.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]