Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 16 - Nightmare Vacation - full transcript

[theme music playing]

♪ Sometimes the world
Looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
Get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
Some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
The odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
In my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart
Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
A light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪



♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze
I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪

You are not going to believe

the vacation
I’ve planned for us.

And it’s well within our budget.

Wait here.
I’ll get the brochure.

You are going to love it!

‐We’re not going.
‐Why not?

When Larry comes back,
you’re just gonna have

to tell him we’re not going.



Where is it we’re not going?

It doesn’t matter,
if Larry planned it,

we’re not going.

Now, ladies, listen to me.

I know that in the past,
Cousin Larry’s trips

have proved a little
life‐threatening

but this time, things
are going to be different.

Now, I‐I‐I took a peek
at the travel brochure

and just between you and me

I think I can safely say
that this time

everything’s coming up noses.

Balki, I still haven’t
gotten my luggage back

from our last trip

Come on, now. Come on.

Cousin Larry wants
more than anything

for you to have a good time.

He‐He’s trying to
make up for his past mistakes.

Balki, we know
his intentions are good

but that’s when
he’s the most dangerous.

Well, maybe we should
give Larry another chance.

I mean, after all,

he did pay all of
our medical bills last time.

Well, my‐my tetanus shot
is up to date, so...

‐Why not?
‐Great.

Thank you.

Now, everything is set.

We are going to paradise.

Well, if we all follow
the golden rule,

I don’t know why not.

We are going to Club Paradise.

It’s‐it’s a small resort island

tucked away in the warm waters
of the Gulf of Mexico.

‐Great. We’ll go.
‐Now, just hear me out.

Because, it’s
got sunshine, beaches‐‐

Sounds wonderful.

Now I know I’ve messed up before

but just give it a chance.

It’s got great shopping...

‐Cousin. Cousin‐‐
‐...great food.

‐Entertainment. What?
‐Cousin.

I‐I think they’re saying yes.

They are?

Well, that’s great!

I told you
there’d be no problem.

[upbeat saxophone music playing]

Well, here we are, Mr. Appleton.

Hope you enjoy yourselves.

Someone will be right with you.

Well, didn’t I tell you this
was a great vacation package?

With free transportation
from the airport.

Larry, it was a mule cart.

I don’t believe this place.

I don’t believe it, either.

This is nicer
than The Howell’s Hut

in Gilligan’s Island.

Now, come on.

It’s‐it’s island. It’s native.

It’s falling apart.

I love this place.

The whole sense
of decayed elegance.

Fabulous.

Jennifer,
it’s‐it’s got character.

Besides, we’ll be spending most
of our time on the beach anyhow.

Come on, let‐let’s check in.

Oh, Cousin! Cousin!

Can I, can I? Can I...

ring the bell?

Okay, you ring the bell.

[bell ringing]

I’m having fun already.

Well, hi there.
Welcome to Club Paradise.

I’m Mac MacIntyre, and you are?

A‐Appleton. Larry Appleton.

Well, we’re delighted
to have you.

I’ll just get someone
to help you with your bags.

[ringing bell] Front!

Just follow me.

They shot Papillon
here, you know.

Well, here are your keys.

And, uh, I just hope
that you have

a wonderful weekend in paradise.

Mi casa es su casa.

Well, thanks, Mac.

Well, what do you say
we take a swim,

go into town,
and shop till we drop?

Okay, we’ll change
and meet you in the lobby.

[together] Bye‐bye.

Interesting wallpaper.

Boy, these walls are thin.

It sounds like Mary Anne

is right here
in the room with us.

Boy, these walls
really are thin.

I can see through them.

I wonder if they can see us.

No, they can’t.

‐Balki...
‐Aah!

What are you doing in our room?

Well, we’re not in your room.

This is our room, I‐I think.

No.

Well, let’s see.

[Larry]
We’re in 101. You’re in 102.

Wow.

This room is nicer than ours.

‐Balki.
‐Yes.

This is the same room.

Well, I’ll be snookered.

Well, Cousin, this is great.

Now when you call out
Jennifer’s name in your sleep

she’ll be right here.

Uh, L‐Larry,
this is not going to work.

No problem,
I’ll‐I’ll call the desk

and‐and get this
all straightened out.

Ask them to send up another bed.

And another wall.

Hello, Mac?

Yeah, this‐this is
Larry Appleton.

Yeah, listen, we‐we only have,
uh, one room

and we did pay for two.

Simple math would tell us

that, uh, we’re exactly
one room short.

Yeah, you‐you get my point?

Uh‐huh.

I see.

Well, let me get back
to you on that.

What did he say?

Well, there are two other rooms.

Uh, one is a little flooded

and the other has snakes.

‐[gasping]
‐But they’re not poisonous.

He said, we could take our pick.

Well, Cousin, what kind of fool
would want a flooded room?

We’ll take the snakes.

Larry, you did it to us again.

Now, let’s get our money back
and get out of here, now.

Hey, there’s just
a little problem

with the accommodations.

I’ll work it out with Mac.

Hey, this place
is gonna look great

from the other side of a suntan.

This is the worst vacation
I’ve had with you

since the last worst vacation
I’ve had with you.

[door closing]

I better go talk to her.

What’s with her?

Cousin, um...

call it intuition,

call it common sense,

call the wind Mariah,

but I, uh...

I‐I‐I don’t think
the girls are happy here

so even though I love it

I‐I think we should leave.

Balki, I have put
a lot of thought

and planning into this vacation.

‐I know that, Cousin.
‐I need your support here!

Now after we get
this room thing worked out,

I’m sure the girls
will come around.

[both screaming] Aah!

There’s a, there’s a,
a thing in the bathtub!

R‐r‐relax. Just relax.

In tropical climates
you’ve got to expect

the occasional insect or bug.

Now, whatever it is...

I’ll take care of it.

[Larry screaming] Aah‐aah!

What is it, Cousin?

Well, it’s either a spider,

or a very hairy Volkswagen.

‐Okay, my turn.
‐Okay, okay.

Aah!

Okay, okay, my turn.

Ow. Ow. Ow!

Ow.

Aah!

Cousin, I‐I‐I know we’re having
the time of our lives

but I‐I don’t think the girls

quite share our enthusiasm
for this place.

What are you talking about?
The girls are having

a wonderful time.

Larry, I hate this place.

There is no swimming pool,
no golf course,

and you have to rappel down
a cliff to get to the beach.

And I don’t know why we bothered
to get all dressed up.

There’s nothing to do.

Well, that amusement park
next door looked like fun.

Balki, that isn’t
an amusement park.

That’s a refinery.

Okay. Okay.

You wanna leave? We’ll leave.

[spraying]

Mosquitoes.

Watch out for the dead ones.

You could turn an ankle.

[Larry] Mac.

What time does the plane
leave for the mainland?

Uh, twenty minutes ago,

but there’s
another one tomorrow.

All right, we can
leave tomorrow.

In the meantime, let’s just try

to enjoy the time
we’ve got here.

You know, I think we’re all
experiencing a sugar low.

Why we don’t go into town
and sample the island cuisine?

Now that’s the spirit, Balki.

Mac...

Uh, can you recommend
a good restaurant on the island?

Oh, I sure could.

Welcome to Chez Mac.

Oh.

Do you have reservations?

Mac, this is a good restaurant?

Well, this is
the, uh, the only restaurant.

We did have a little Tex‐Mex
place on the North Beach

but it went under last week.

Went out of business?

No, it really went under.

It sank.

We got sink holes
all over the island.

[laughing]

W‐w‐why don’t we just,
uh, eat here?

I’ve‐I’ve got
a good feeling about it.

You do?

Well, let’s eat here anyway.

Hi. My name’s Mac.

I’ll be your waiter
this evening.

The specials are on the house

but I will need
the little umbrellas back.

Well, now this is nice, huh?

This is what it’s all about.

This is why I get up
in the morning, this is why‐‐

Put a sock in it, Larry.

Cousin, um...

could‐could‐could I have
a private word with you?

Excuse us.

Oh...

This story is about

the most pigheaded pig farmer

on Mypos.

Oinki.

One day, Oinki thought

he had made the deal
of his life on a prize pig.

Only, when he got it home

he discovered that
it wasn’t a pig at all.

It was a dog in pig’s clothing.

His family was going hungry

because there was no bacon.

But Oinki was stubborn.

Even when his pig chased cars,

buried bones,
and bit the mailman,

he refused to admit
he’d made a mistake.

Oinki’s family

finally left him on
the day his pig had puppies.

Because of his stubbornness,

he had to spend
the rest of his days alone.

What’s your point?

No matter what face
you put on this hotel,

it’s still a dog.

Now, Cousin, your pigheadedness

is costing you your friends.

I wanted so badly
for‐for Jennifer

‐to enjoy this trip.
‐Yes.

I thought
this would be my chance...

Cousin‐Cousin‐Cousin,

it’s over.

All right, I booked us
on a trip to hell.

I’m sorry.

We can leave
on the plane tomorrow.

And I promise never to plan
another vacation again.

Well, I guess we can
make it through one night.

Yeah, it’s not the end
of the world.

Well, at least we can
spend a quiet evening

and enjoy the peaceful solitude

of a tropical island.

[wind gusting]

[crashing]

Sorry. The kitchen’s closed.

We just sat down.
How can it be closed?

Okay, it’s not closed.

It’s gone.

Things like that
happen in a hurricane.

[girls] Hurricane!

Don’t panic. I’ve been through
hurricanes on Mypos.

The first thing we have
to do is find the sheep!

[girls] Ow! Ow.

[thunder rumbling]

Oh!

Whoa!

Aah!

[Mary Anne] I can’t get up!

‐Balki!
‐[Jennifer] Balki!

[thunder rumbling]

All right.
We’ll be fine in here.

I think we’ve seen
the worst of it.

Mary Anne, if I die,

I want you to have
my‐my Wayne Newton albums.

Thanks, Balki.

Jennifer, if I die,

I want you
to have all of my clothes

and Balki’s Wayne Newton albums.

Thank you, Mary Anne.

And Larry...

if I die...

I’m taking you with me.

Now‐now wait a minute.

What‐what is all
this talk about death?

We are going to be fine.

These tropical storms
pass quickly.

They blow,
and then they’re gone.

[both screaming]

[Jennifer] Balki, do something!

We’ve got to...

We’ve got to stick
something in the window

to block the wind.

The mattress.

We’ll cover the window
with the mattress.

[together] Whoa.

Bathroom!

Oh, Cousin, you should
have thought of that

before the hurricane!

I mean, let’s take cover
in the bathroom.

Oh.

[grunting and groaning]

Follow me!

Good news.

The spider’s gone.

Oh, oh. Oh...

[together] Oh.

[screaming]

[yelling] Balki! Balki!

Balki! Help me!

‐Balki!
‐Cousin!

Aah!

[together] Oh, Balki!

[thud]

‐Are you okay?
‐Yeah.

I‐I think we’ve finally

seen the worst of it.

[Mary Anne] No.

[all screaming]

Cousin.

Cousin, look.

You can see
the refinery from here.

[upbeat saxophone music playing]

Cousin, you know
what the best thing

about going away
on vacation with you is?

No, Balki, what’s that?

Coming back home alive.

I‐I just love it.

You know...

I think I’m gonna
take a vacation

from planning vacations.

Oh, Cousin,
you don’t have to do that.

‐I don’t? No?
‐No.

When the girls
and I were pulling you

out of that sink hole,

we decided to never let you
plan a trip again anyway.

I’m sorry for ruining
the entire weekend.

Oh, come on, Cousin, it wasn’t
a complete waste of time.

I got some neat souvenirs.

Oh, you didn’t buy one of those
visors from Mac, did you?

Well, of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.

But...

Remember that spider
we saw in the bathroom?

[theme music playing]