Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 15 - The Selling of Mypos - full transcript

[theme music]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze
I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s
gonna stop me now ♪

Okay, whose idea was it

to go to the zoo
in the middle of winter?

What a great day for the zoo.

Balki, take off
the elephant nose.

It was embarrassing enough
at the restaurant.

Oh, come on, cousin.
Lighten up.

Why you don’t put on
your alligator nose?



The nose goes on, I go out.

[knocking on door]

Balk‐eye Bartookamouse?

I’m Balk‐eye.

Could you please sign your name?

With a pen.

There you go.

Thank you.

What is it, Balki?

It’s from Mypos.

No kidding.

[Balki gasping]

Oh, what, did
the village idiot die

and they sent you his hat?

Cousin, show some respect.

This is the headpiece worn

by the official negotiator
on Mypos.

No negotiating can take
place without this hat.

We call it The Hat
Of A Thousand Quibbles.

Well, it’s beautiful.

Does it come with instructions?

Well, there’s a letter.

It’s from King Ferdinand.

Must be important.

He wrote it on his
Garfield stationery.

"Dear Balki.

"A company in Chicago
called Worldwide Amalgamated

"wants to buy
500 acres of land

"on the north shore of Mypos.

"And we want..."

He wants me
to negotiate the sale.

And they, they set up
a meeting for tomorrow.

Excuse me. I’ve got
to start my preparations.

♪ Hey beegy ♪

♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪

♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪

♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪

♪ Bong bong bong bong
bong bong bong bong ♪

♪ Bong bong bong bong
bong oh yeah ♪

Well, uh...

...we’ll just
get out of your way.

Bye, Balki.

Bye, Mary Anne.

Goodnight.

Bye, Larry.

Goodnight.

‐Bye.
‐Bye‐bye now.

Goodnight.

[Balki chanting]

‐Balki.
‐Yes.

What are you doing?

I’m doing the Hongi Bongi.

It’s the, the ritual
of purification.

I must be worthy
to wear the hat.

Also, it makes my negotiating
hormones kick in.

♪ Hey beegy ♪

♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪

♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪

♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪

♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪

♪ Bong bong bong bong
bong bong bong bong ♪

♪ Bong bong bong bong
bong oh yeah ♪

‐Balki, can I ask a question?
‐Sure.

When you negotiate on Mypos
what exactly is your goal?

Well, our goal is for each side

to agree on a fair price

and then party till we drop.

♪ Hey beegy... ♪

‐Balki.
‐Yes.

Forget the Hongi Bongi
ritual of purification.

But, cousin,
I‐I really have to‐‐

Balki, this is not Mypos.
It’s America.

Sit down.

Balki, when Americans negotiate

they don’t, they don’t care
about a fair price.

All they care about is getting
as much as they can

for as little as possible.
You see?

Now‐now the very first Americans

negotiated a deal
with the Indians.

They gave them $24
worth of beads

for the island of Manhattan.

And now Americans
are making billions of dollars

by selling the same island
to the Japanese.

These beads...

...were they real
or synthetic?

Balki, I think you’re going
to have to find someone

to help you with American
negotiating techniques.

You’re right.

Cousin, would you be my official
negotiating adviser?

Well, I’d be honored.

There’s a ceremony.

I’d rather pass on that.

‐It’s important.
‐Is it necessary?

‐It’s mandatory.
‐Okay.

Let’s get the humiliation
over with.

Cousin Larry Appleton

you are my official
negotiating adviser.

‐That’s it?
‐That’s it. Got any advice?

Mr. Stanhouse will be
with you shortly.

Thank you.

Cousin, this room is beautiful.

It’s even more beautiful

than the room at the Holiday Inn

where we went
to that Amway meeting.

Don’t let it throw you.

Yeah, and remember
what I taught you last night.

Never ever accept
their first offer.

Even if they offer you
$50,000, you say...

Fifty thousand dollars? Ha!

You must be joking.

‐Good.
‐Thank you.

Ooh, look at this.

Gentlemen, sorry
to keep you waiting.

I’m J. R. Stanhouse.

Senior executive vice president

of Worldwide Amalgamated.

In charge of corporate
acquisitions.

Larry Appleton, senior executive
official adviser

to the official head negotiator

for the sovereign island
nation of Mypos

in charge of a lot
of important stuff.

Very pleased
to meet you, Mr. Appleton.

And this is Balki Bartokomous

official negotiator for Mypos.

Mr. Bartokomous.

Gentlemen, uh,
shall we get started?

Oh, no, no, no.
Not‐not yet.

Uh, Cousin Larry and I

have to prepare the room
for the negotiations.

Balki, is this really,
really necessary?

Cousin, you agreed.

Okay. Ah, just bear
with us for a moment.

♪ Hey beegy ♪
♪ Hey beegy ♪

♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪
♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪

♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪
♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪

♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪
♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪
♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪
♪ Hongi bongi icky icky ♪

♪ Bong bong bong bong ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong ♪

♪ Bong bong bong bong bong ♪
♪ Bong bong bong bong bong ♪

♪ Doo‐wah ♪
♪ Doo‐wah ♪

This room has been cleansed.

Please be seated.

Gentlemen, I trust
you’re familiar

with the piece
of land in question?

Familiar with it?

I, when I was a boy we used
to go there every Saturday‐‐

Balki! Yes, uh, yes.

Yes, we are, Mr. Stanhouse

and I must compliment you

on your astute knowledge
of valuable real estate.

‐Mr. Outhouse.
‐Oh.

A question.

Why does your company
want 500 acres on Mypos?

Audits indicate that our debt
ratio is highly underleveraged

and in order to avoid
certain tax liabilities

we need to invest capital before
the end of our fiscal year.

Ha ha ha, I know
the problem well.

Now, we’re prepared to pay
a very fair price

for the land in question.

In addition, the two of you

will be receiving
a negotiator’s fee

of ten percent
of the total purchase price.

Now, after careful examination

of the land on that part
of the island‐‐

We get money?

Ten percent, to be paid
by Worldwide of course.

‐Now‐‐
‐We get money?

Gentlemen, for
the 500 acres indicated

Worldwide Amalgamated

will pay to the island
of Mypos $28 million.

Sold! Sold!
It’s a deal!

Sold! It’s a deal!
Here, where‐where do we sign?

Here, here, use my pen.
You can use my pen.

Here we go! Here we go!

Cousin Larry can’t say "sold."

Only the head negotiator
can say "sold."

Of course.
I got a little excited.

Go ahead, Balki,
you’re the head negotiator.

Say "sold!"

As the head negotiator

I’m going to have to study it

consider it, meditate on it.

I’ll get back to you

say the second Tuesday
after the new moon?

I must inform you, sir

that Worldwide Amalgamated

is interested
in other properties

so our offer is only good
till 10 a. m. tomorrow.

(Larry)
’Balki, we are being offered
ten percent of $28 million’

if you just say "yes."

Cousin, people don’t pay
millions of dollars

for something
that’s worthless.

Of course they do!

George Steinbrenner
does it all the time.

I don’t know, cousin.

I‐I still have a funny
feeling about it.

Balki, what more
do you need to know?

Worldwide Amalgamated is one

of the nicest
multinational corporations

in the Fortune 500.

Yeah, we read the annual reports

the press releases, the cover
story in Time magazine.

I got this microfilm.

But reading the tiny print

is giving me a headache.

Alright.
Balki, let’s focus here.

Now, could $28 million

improve the lives
of the people on Mypos?

‐Yes.
‐Yes?

Yes. We could,
we could build better roads.

Better roads.

‐New schools.
‐New schools!

And there has been talk of,
of building a football stadium

and luring the Raiders over.

Well, Balki.
This is your chance.

Mypos will have the Raiders!

The Raiderettes!
The silver and black!

You mean,
Bo knows sheepherding?

Yes.

Yes, he does.

So, in the morning
you’ll accept this offer

and we’ll get
expensive haircuts.

Oh, cousin,
I wish I could say yes!

‐You can.
‐I can?

Yes, you can.

‐No, I can’t.
‐Why not?

Because I don’t know why
Worldwide wants to buy the land.

Balki, they told you why
they want to buy the land.

They’ve got a tax problem.

In fact, if you’d say yes

we would have one problem.

A big, beautiful,
kiss it on the mouth

$2.8 million tax problem.

[knocking on door]

Cousin, I want you
to calm down.

You’re getting
a greed‐high again.

[knocking on door]

Why is this so hard?

Balk‐eye Bartookamouse?

I’m Balk‐eye.

Could you please sign...

Uh, take this pen
and sign your name.

It’s from Worldwide.

"Dear, Mr. Bartokomous,
effective immediately

"Worldwide Amalgamated withdraws
its offer of $28 million.

"Further evaluation
of the land in question

makes it prudent..."

Balki. I’m going
to the window now.

If you need me,
I’ll be on the pavement.

Take a sweater.

(Balki)
’"So effective immediately’

we are raising our offer
to $35 million."

$35 million?

Balki, you are a genius.

You held out and squeezed

another $7 million
out of them.

Do you think it would be
too much if we hired a butler?

It seems like this is an offer
I can’t refuse.

You can’t refuse? You can’t
refuse? He can’t refuse!

What are you going to do
with your share of the money?

I give it to the poor.

Good. They’ll be taken care of.

I can spend my share on myself.

Mr. Bartokomous
is 20 minutes late.

If he doesn’t get here soon
to sign those papers

I’m afraid our deal is off.

Oh, don’t worry.
He’ll be here any minute.

He’s very hot for this deal.

What do you think
of the new Mercedes?

Balki, where have you been?

Mr. Bartokomous,
we were getting worried.

(Balki)
I’m sorry.

I‐I had to return the documents

to the archive
so I wouldn’t be slapped

with that ten cents
a day late charge.

Mr. Bartokomous, shall
we get started?

Certainly.

Mr. Appleton has the contracts.

All we need is your signature.

Well, uh, before that

there’s something
that I must do.

Right, alright, alright. This,
this will just take a minute.

♪ Hey beegy ♪

♪ Yoomba conga neengy ♪

♪ Kongy fongy hongi bongi ♪

♪ Icky wicky oh yeah ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi ♪

♪ Hongi bongi... ♪

Stop, stop, stop!

You’re embarrassing me.

Now, sit down and listen.

Ahem.

Once upon a time...

...there was a beautiful
island in the South Pacific

called Tamiki.
And the Tamiki‐ites‐‐

Okay, uh, Balki,
Balki here’s a thought.

Uh, why‐why don’t you,
uh, s‐sign the papers first

and then do story time while
they’re making out our checks?

Cousin, cousin, I’m trying
to get this story

off the ground, okay?

Just, just...

The Tamiki‐ites were very happy.

And then one day they sold
part of their island

to a big corporation.

Uh, the big corporation
wanted to use that land

to store things.

What kind of things
did they want to store?

Well, we’re not talking
about things

that you would store
in your garage

like, uh, Christmas decorations

and old National Geographic’s

and the occasional Pez dispenser

where the candy comes out
of the fish head.

No. They wanted to store
some other kind of things.

So...after a while

the palm trees started to die

and the water
started to smell bad

and the Tamiki‐ites
started to get sick.

And pretty soon
they had to move away

from their beautiful island home

because it wasn’t
beautiful anymore.

What the big corporation
was storing there

was toxic waste.

And do you know
what is the name

of the corporation
that did this to Tamiki?

I’m feeling a little queasy.

Do you have any saltines?

The name of the corporation

is Seifert Incorporated.

Seifert Incorporated?

Well‐well, Balki, that’s
a‐a very interesting fact

but these nice people work
for Worldwide Amalgamated.

So, let’s sign the papers.

Worldwide Amalgamated
owns Seifert Incorporated.

Babasticki!

I learned this fact when I took

the microfilm back
to the archives.

And I would like
to take this opportunity

to thank my official negotiating
adviser, Cousin Larry

for suggesting that I show
the microfilm on the machine.

I’m sorry, gentlemen.
We have no deal.

Good day, gentlemen.

Find me another island.

‐No deal?
‐No deal.

‐No deal?
‐No deal.

But I wanted a deal.

I wanted to have a deal.

Come on, cousin. Come on.

Just think of it...
Think of it this way.

We saved the lives
of everyone on Mypos.

Well, I guess
that’s a good thing.

But all that money.

Cousin, I know. I know.

I know. Come on, come on.

Ah, you’re right.

[sighing]

We did a good thing.

Well, actually, uh

you’re the one
who did the good thing.

I was just trying
to do the best thing for Mypos.

Well, you did.

[sighing]

I can understand
why they asked you

to be the official negotiator.

That King Ferdinand is no fool.

Well, of course he’s not.

Don’t be ridiculous.

He just likes
to wear the outfit.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[music continues]