Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 20 - Here Comes the Judge - full transcript
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart
Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain
and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound
for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life
and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s
gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
(Jennifer)
Hi, Larry, do you
have any notepads?
Well, sure.
I might have something
I brought home from work.
Well, uh, oh, here.
I got these, uh,
spiral pads
or, or, uh...
these, uh, white paper.
Oh, you know, uh,
what I might have...
...uh, is, yeah,
these legal pads.
Jennifer,
I’ve looked everywhere
and I can’t find the ruler.
‐Hi, Larry.
‐Hi, Mary Anne.
‐You need a ruler?
‐Yeah.
Well, uh...
What kind do you need?
Uh, six‐inch, 12‐inch?
Standard, metric?
Do you have anything in pink?
Pink.
Well, uh...
Oh.
If you need anything else,
let me know.
I can get anything
at the Chronicle.
[sobbing]
Hi, cousin.
Hi, Mary Anne.
Hi, Jennifer.
Balki, is, is
everything alright?
Oh, fine.
I’ve been named head
of the Chronicle’s
grieving committee.
And I thought
I should practice.
[sobbing continues]
Balki...
...the Chronicle doesn’t have
a grieving committee.
‐No?
‐No.
You must be
on the grievance committee.
Yes,
that’s the one.
Well, that doesn’t have
anything to do with grief.
Get out of the city.
You mean I cried me
a river for nothing?
Balki, a grievance committee
handles disputes
between management
and employees.
‐Oh, uh‐huh.
‐We have one at the airline.
In fact, somebody filed
a grievance against Jennifer
because they felt she
was unfairly promoted
to head of her own
flight crew.
How do you know that?
Well, I guess
we should be going.
It was you,
you filed the grievance.
Yes, I did. I should have
gotten that promotion.
I graduated ahead of you
from flight school.
You graduated ahead of me
because we lined up
according to height!
Cousin...
...exactly, what does the head
of the grievance committee do?
Well, you and the other
two people on the committee
will hear complaints
and determine guilt
or innocence.
and then you decide
on the proper punishment.
Oh.
Maybe there are some further
guidelines in this envelope.
It’s a list of complaints.
Cousin, the‐the first one
is Miss Lydia.
She’s‐she’s being cited
for "violations
of the parking rules."
Ah, I bet somebody
finally nailed her
for taking up two spaces
with that big Beemer
of hers.
No, cousin, it wasn’t
her big Beemer.
It was her car.
[instrumental music]
‐Hi, Lydia.
‐Larry.
Lydia, what are you doing?
I’m sorting Balki’s mail.
What does it look
like I’m doing?
You wouldn’t be doing this
because Balki is
head of the grievance committee,
would you?
No.
I enjoy handling mail
that other people have licked.
Miss Lydia...why...
...why are you
sorting my mail?
Oh, Balki, I’ve noticed
you’ve been overworked lately.
And I wanna do
what I can
for someone that I care
about very much.
Who is that?
You!
Oh, I am...deeply moved.
Good.
Oh, oh, I‐I almost forgot.
Uh, you were named to
a committee of some sort?
‐The grievance committee.
‐That’s the one!
Well...
...here is a little something
to help you celebrate.
Wow.
Bunny slippers!
Oh, Miss Lydia,
you’re so good to me.
Well, maybe
you’ll find a way
to be good to me
someday.
[laughing]
Cousin, it’s hard to believe
someone thoughtful enough
to give bunny slippers
would violate
parking rules.
Balki, there’s something
I have to explain to you.
Lydia’s only being nice
to you
so you won’t rule against her
in her grievance case.
What do you mean?
Balki, she’s doing your work,
she’s giving you gifts
she’s appearing before
the grievance committee.
Do you see a pattern here?
Every sentence begins
with a pronoun.
Uh, delivery for
"Balk‐eye Bartookamouse."
I’m Balk‐eye.
Enjoy.
Cousin, I think you’re wrong
about Miss Lydia.
She‐she would never try
to influence my judgment.
"To Balki, from Lydia...
"...because love...
"...means never having to say
you’re guilty."
[instrumental music]
Miss Lydia, you
don’t understand.
I understand perfectly.
I thought we were friends!
We are friends!
You sentenced me
to park in lot "X."
Lot "X" is a dirt lot.
It’s practically
in another time zone!
There is nothing there
but American cars!
What are you doing?
(Balki)
What are you doing?
My bunnies,
my bunnies, my bunnies...
Miss Lydia, Miss Lydia,
I had to rule against you.
You were guilty, you were
taking two parking spaces.
I drive a BMW.
The dealer suggested
three spaces.
What...
Uh, if you hurry,
you can still catch
the 412 bus
to your car.
[laughing sarcastically]
Cousin, I don’t understand.
On Mypos, when you point out
somebody’s faults
they’re usually grateful
that you helped them
experience personal growth.
Well, this is America...
...and people shy away
from personal growth.
But, don’t worry.
You did the right thing.
‐I wasn’t too hard on her?
‐No, no, no.
That’s just what
this grievance committee needs.
Somebody who’s honest,
somebody who has integrity
someone who can look a pair
of bunny slippers in the face
and say "guilty."
I didn’t know
I’d lose the slippers.
Okay, Bartokomous,
party’s over.
Now it’s time to put
your nose to the grindstone.
I already tried that.
It don’t make it shorter.
So, I think I’ll just
go back to work.
Fine.
Well...
...I guess Lydia learned
her lesson this time, huh?
Don’t do the crime
if you can’t do the...
Oh, my Lord!
Ooh, it’s from
the grievance committee.
What’s the charge?
I’ve been accused
of stealing $328
worth of office supplies.
[whistling]
[instrumental music]
Cousin, thank you for giving me
these bunny slippers.
How did you know
I wanted them?
Just a guess.
Uh, you know,
Balki, uh...
I may have given you
some, uh...
...some bad advice about
the grievance committee.
I mean, I...
I told you to be strict
but now you’ve got everybody
down at the Chronicle
mad at you.
But, but, but I was only
trying to be fair.
Yeah.
Well, I know that.
I know that.
You know,
but I’m afraid...
...I’m afraid
if you keep this up, that...
...you’re gonna
become harsh...
...insensitive...
...cruel!
Maybe even heartless,
uncaring
totally devoid
of all human emotion.
Cousin, I don’t want
to be like that.
‐What can I do?
‐Well, let us think.
I’ve got it!
We’ve seen the strict Balki.
I think it’s time we saw
a kinder, gentler Balki.
I think you should declare
tomorrow Mercy Day.
‐"Mercy Day?"
‐Mercy Day.
To save yourself
from becoming harsh
insensitive, cruel!
Tomorrow would be the
perfect day to show mercy
on the accused,
whoever that might be.
Well, if that’s what
it’s going to take
then Mercy Day it is.
‐You want a soda?
‐I’d love one.
Okay.
Cousin, I don’t
believe this!
You...you have to appear
before the committee tomorrow.
You don’t say.
Whatever for?
Well, it says
that you’re accused
of "stealing office supplies."
Well, are you sure
it’s me?
‐Yeah.
‐I’m shocked!
Well, lucky for me,
tomorrow is Mercy Day.
Oh!
Po‐po!
How could I
have been so blonde?
You are trying to influence me
like Miss Lydia did.
‐Okay. Maybe I am.
‐Oh!
Wait a minute, Balki!
Balki! Balki! Balki!
Listen, I’m big enough
to admit
that what I was doing
was wrong!
No, I’m sorry. Look, come on,
let’s just forget about it.
Forget about it.
I’m sorry.
Why don’t we
just sit down
and‐and talk about
something else?
Sports...weather...
...friendship?
I know where this is going.
A friendship that began
four years ago when I took in...
(in unison)
’A Mypiot I hardly knew.’
Cousin, come on,
every time you want something
you tell that
wandering Mypiot story.
It’s not going to work.
I think you were right
the first time.
As a judge,
I have to be fair
impartial,
and completely oblivious.
Okay, fine.
But give me back
the bunny slippers!
[instrumental music]
Uh, Cousin Larry Appleton
your case is next.
You have been accused
of stealing office supplies.
How do you please?
Not guilty.
Balki...and honored members
of the committee
I intend to prove...
...that that charge
of stealing office supplies
is totally without merit.
By the way, I hope you
enjoyed the fruit baskets.
Miss Wiggans, would you read
the grievance, please?
According to the supply
department
the basement was using more
notebooks, pads and pencils
than all the reporters
in the city room.
Oh, I see.
And because I am the only
reporter in the basement
you thought that I might be
the guilty one?
No, cousin, we thought
you might be the guilty one
because your name is on
all the requisition slips.
Appleton,
I wanna get outta here.
I’m going to the Bulls game.
Why don’t you just plead guilty?
Because I’m not guilty,
and I can prove it.
I would like to call
my first witness to the stand.
Balki Bartokomous.
Well, feed me garlic
and call me stinky.
Balki, would you say
that you are...an honest man?
Well, I’m no honest
Abe Vigoda, but I try.
In fact, you are
a very honest man.
Last week, when we took Jennifer
and Mary Anne to dinner...
...wasn’t it you
who pointed out
that the restaurant charged us
for only two dinners
instead of four?
No, cousin, that was you.
If I remember correctly,
your exact words were
"They only charged us
for two dinners
"let’s get out of here."
[stuttering]
But‐but, Balki...
...isn’t it true that you
made us go back and pay
for all the dinners
because you are so honest?
Well, cousin, right is right.
We did eat them.
So, in a word,
Balki Bartokomous
you are an exceptionally
honest man.
A man incapable
of committing a crime.
I submit to you...
...that we have here
is the most honest man
at the Chronicle.
Absolutely.
No argument from me.
I’m not one to blow
my own nose, but...
...I don’t know
if I’m the most honest.
I‐I’ve been told
I’m one of the best dancers.
‐Balki?
‐Yes.
I now show you
this photograph.
Do you recognize it?
That’s me...
...reading, uh,
reading a letter from mama.
Do you notice anything unusual
about the photograph?
‐Yes. It’s borderless.
‐Ah‐ha.
But what is this object...
...behind your ear?
I guess that
that would be a pencil.
It could be one of them pens
that looks like a pencil.
‐Oh, so you’re not sure?
‐No.
Well, maybe this
will help you.
Thanks to
the Chronicle’s photo lab
I’ve had a portion
of this picture blown up!
Oh, God.
Now, I ask you again,
what is this object...
...behind your ear?
It’s a pencil, alright.
A‐ha!
But whose pencil?
I guess it would be
my pencil.
Oh, it would, would it?
Well, maybe this will
change your mind!
It‐it still looks
like my pencil.
Then why does it have
the words "Chicago Chronicle"
written on it?
‐Well, I don’t know.
‐Oh, you don’t know?
‐No, I don’t know.
‐Or you don’t want to know?
No, I want to know.
Well, perhaps I can
help you remember.
I’d appreciate it.
It was a cool,
autumn evening
like many we experienced here
in the windy city.
It was quitting time.
You were probably
putting on your jacket
getting ready to go home.
Then, suddenly, you looked,
and there it was...
...a pencil
belonging to
the Chicago Chronicle.
You put it behind your ear.
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes.
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes!
And then you drove home.
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes.
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes!
You probably never
gave a second thought
because, after all, it was
just a pencil, wasn’t it?
‐Yes.
‐Wasn’t it?
Cousin, don’t!
You kept it behind your ear
the entire evening.
And then later,
when you found it
you didn’t think about
who it belonged to
or who it’s rightful owner was.
After all, it was
just another pencil
in the passing parade!
Cousin, don’t.
It wasn’t too late.
You could have
returned it
but you didn’t,
did you?
‐No!
‐No!
‐No!
‐No!
You put it
in your pencil cup
which is where
I found it!
I didn’t mean to do it.
I’m sorry!
Thank you.
It’s alright.
It’s over now.
Lady and gentlemen
of the committee...
[sobbing loudly]
We have previously
established
that Balki Bartokomous
is a man incapable
of committing a crime.
[gasping]
[sobbing]
We have
also established
that this same
Balki Bartokomous
takes home
office supplies.
[whining]
Therefore, taking home
office supplies is not a crime
and I am not guilty!
I rest my case.
Good.
I can just make tip‐off.
Appleton’s right.
We all do it.
‐I vote not guilty.
‐Guilty.
Can I change my vote?
Balki, it looks like
it’s up to you.
Just give me a minute.
Hey, take all the time
you need, buddy.
I’m ready.
Guilty.
[instrumental music]
Are you still
mad at me?
No, no.
‐You did the right thing.
‐Thank you.
I never realized how much
I was taking home.
This stuff really adds up.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
I found these four paper clips
in my coat pocket.
I thought I could trust me.
Well, I figure
after I return this
I’ll only owe
about $85.
Well, I thought
it was fair
you just pay
for what you used.
Balki...
...I’m sorry for...putting
you on the stand...
...humiliating you...
...making you feel
like a criminal...
...stripping you
of all human dignity.
You only did what any
good lawyer would do.
Well, I‐I feel bad
about it, so, uh...
...I got you these.
Cousin, don’t...don’t
give them to me
if you’re going to
take them away.
M‐m‐my heart can
only be broken
so many times.
‐They’re yours.
‐Whee!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[music continues]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart
Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain
and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound
for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life
and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing’s
gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
(Jennifer)
Hi, Larry, do you
have any notepads?
Well, sure.
I might have something
I brought home from work.
Well, uh, oh, here.
I got these, uh,
spiral pads
or, or, uh...
these, uh, white paper.
Oh, you know, uh,
what I might have...
...uh, is, yeah,
these legal pads.
Jennifer,
I’ve looked everywhere
and I can’t find the ruler.
‐Hi, Larry.
‐Hi, Mary Anne.
‐You need a ruler?
‐Yeah.
Well, uh...
What kind do you need?
Uh, six‐inch, 12‐inch?
Standard, metric?
Do you have anything in pink?
Pink.
Well, uh...
Oh.
If you need anything else,
let me know.
I can get anything
at the Chronicle.
[sobbing]
Hi, cousin.
Hi, Mary Anne.
Hi, Jennifer.
Balki, is, is
everything alright?
Oh, fine.
I’ve been named head
of the Chronicle’s
grieving committee.
And I thought
I should practice.
[sobbing continues]
Balki...
...the Chronicle doesn’t have
a grieving committee.
‐No?
‐No.
You must be
on the grievance committee.
Yes,
that’s the one.
Well, that doesn’t have
anything to do with grief.
Get out of the city.
You mean I cried me
a river for nothing?
Balki, a grievance committee
handles disputes
between management
and employees.
‐Oh, uh‐huh.
‐We have one at the airline.
In fact, somebody filed
a grievance against Jennifer
because they felt she
was unfairly promoted
to head of her own
flight crew.
How do you know that?
Well, I guess
we should be going.
It was you,
you filed the grievance.
Yes, I did. I should have
gotten that promotion.
I graduated ahead of you
from flight school.
You graduated ahead of me
because we lined up
according to height!
Cousin...
...exactly, what does the head
of the grievance committee do?
Well, you and the other
two people on the committee
will hear complaints
and determine guilt
or innocence.
and then you decide
on the proper punishment.
Oh.
Maybe there are some further
guidelines in this envelope.
It’s a list of complaints.
Cousin, the‐the first one
is Miss Lydia.
She’s‐she’s being cited
for "violations
of the parking rules."
Ah, I bet somebody
finally nailed her
for taking up two spaces
with that big Beemer
of hers.
No, cousin, it wasn’t
her big Beemer.
It was her car.
[instrumental music]
‐Hi, Lydia.
‐Larry.
Lydia, what are you doing?
I’m sorting Balki’s mail.
What does it look
like I’m doing?
You wouldn’t be doing this
because Balki is
head of the grievance committee,
would you?
No.
I enjoy handling mail
that other people have licked.
Miss Lydia...why...
...why are you
sorting my mail?
Oh, Balki, I’ve noticed
you’ve been overworked lately.
And I wanna do
what I can
for someone that I care
about very much.
Who is that?
You!
Oh, I am...deeply moved.
Good.
Oh, oh, I‐I almost forgot.
Uh, you were named to
a committee of some sort?
‐The grievance committee.
‐That’s the one!
Well...
...here is a little something
to help you celebrate.
Wow.
Bunny slippers!
Oh, Miss Lydia,
you’re so good to me.
Well, maybe
you’ll find a way
to be good to me
someday.
[laughing]
Cousin, it’s hard to believe
someone thoughtful enough
to give bunny slippers
would violate
parking rules.
Balki, there’s something
I have to explain to you.
Lydia’s only being nice
to you
so you won’t rule against her
in her grievance case.
What do you mean?
Balki, she’s doing your work,
she’s giving you gifts
she’s appearing before
the grievance committee.
Do you see a pattern here?
Every sentence begins
with a pronoun.
Uh, delivery for
"Balk‐eye Bartookamouse."
I’m Balk‐eye.
Enjoy.
Cousin, I think you’re wrong
about Miss Lydia.
She‐she would never try
to influence my judgment.
"To Balki, from Lydia...
"...because love...
"...means never having to say
you’re guilty."
[instrumental music]
Miss Lydia, you
don’t understand.
I understand perfectly.
I thought we were friends!
We are friends!
You sentenced me
to park in lot "X."
Lot "X" is a dirt lot.
It’s practically
in another time zone!
There is nothing there
but American cars!
What are you doing?
(Balki)
What are you doing?
My bunnies,
my bunnies, my bunnies...
Miss Lydia, Miss Lydia,
I had to rule against you.
You were guilty, you were
taking two parking spaces.
I drive a BMW.
The dealer suggested
three spaces.
What...
Uh, if you hurry,
you can still catch
the 412 bus
to your car.
[laughing sarcastically]
Cousin, I don’t understand.
On Mypos, when you point out
somebody’s faults
they’re usually grateful
that you helped them
experience personal growth.
Well, this is America...
...and people shy away
from personal growth.
But, don’t worry.
You did the right thing.
‐I wasn’t too hard on her?
‐No, no, no.
That’s just what
this grievance committee needs.
Somebody who’s honest,
somebody who has integrity
someone who can look a pair
of bunny slippers in the face
and say "guilty."
I didn’t know
I’d lose the slippers.
Okay, Bartokomous,
party’s over.
Now it’s time to put
your nose to the grindstone.
I already tried that.
It don’t make it shorter.
So, I think I’ll just
go back to work.
Fine.
Well...
...I guess Lydia learned
her lesson this time, huh?
Don’t do the crime
if you can’t do the...
Oh, my Lord!
Ooh, it’s from
the grievance committee.
What’s the charge?
I’ve been accused
of stealing $328
worth of office supplies.
[whistling]
[instrumental music]
Cousin, thank you for giving me
these bunny slippers.
How did you know
I wanted them?
Just a guess.
Uh, you know,
Balki, uh...
I may have given you
some, uh...
...some bad advice about
the grievance committee.
I mean, I...
I told you to be strict
but now you’ve got everybody
down at the Chronicle
mad at you.
But, but, but I was only
trying to be fair.
Yeah.
Well, I know that.
I know that.
You know,
but I’m afraid...
...I’m afraid
if you keep this up, that...
...you’re gonna
become harsh...
...insensitive...
...cruel!
Maybe even heartless,
uncaring
totally devoid
of all human emotion.
Cousin, I don’t want
to be like that.
‐What can I do?
‐Well, let us think.
I’ve got it!
We’ve seen the strict Balki.
I think it’s time we saw
a kinder, gentler Balki.
I think you should declare
tomorrow Mercy Day.
‐"Mercy Day?"
‐Mercy Day.
To save yourself
from becoming harsh
insensitive, cruel!
Tomorrow would be the
perfect day to show mercy
on the accused,
whoever that might be.
Well, if that’s what
it’s going to take
then Mercy Day it is.
‐You want a soda?
‐I’d love one.
Okay.
Cousin, I don’t
believe this!
You...you have to appear
before the committee tomorrow.
You don’t say.
Whatever for?
Well, it says
that you’re accused
of "stealing office supplies."
Well, are you sure
it’s me?
‐Yeah.
‐I’m shocked!
Well, lucky for me,
tomorrow is Mercy Day.
Oh!
Po‐po!
How could I
have been so blonde?
You are trying to influence me
like Miss Lydia did.
‐Okay. Maybe I am.
‐Oh!
Wait a minute, Balki!
Balki! Balki! Balki!
Listen, I’m big enough
to admit
that what I was doing
was wrong!
No, I’m sorry. Look, come on,
let’s just forget about it.
Forget about it.
I’m sorry.
Why don’t we
just sit down
and‐and talk about
something else?
Sports...weather...
...friendship?
I know where this is going.
A friendship that began
four years ago when I took in...
(in unison)
’A Mypiot I hardly knew.’
Cousin, come on,
every time you want something
you tell that
wandering Mypiot story.
It’s not going to work.
I think you were right
the first time.
As a judge,
I have to be fair
impartial,
and completely oblivious.
Okay, fine.
But give me back
the bunny slippers!
[instrumental music]
Uh, Cousin Larry Appleton
your case is next.
You have been accused
of stealing office supplies.
How do you please?
Not guilty.
Balki...and honored members
of the committee
I intend to prove...
...that that charge
of stealing office supplies
is totally without merit.
By the way, I hope you
enjoyed the fruit baskets.
Miss Wiggans, would you read
the grievance, please?
According to the supply
department
the basement was using more
notebooks, pads and pencils
than all the reporters
in the city room.
Oh, I see.
And because I am the only
reporter in the basement
you thought that I might be
the guilty one?
No, cousin, we thought
you might be the guilty one
because your name is on
all the requisition slips.
Appleton,
I wanna get outta here.
I’m going to the Bulls game.
Why don’t you just plead guilty?
Because I’m not guilty,
and I can prove it.
I would like to call
my first witness to the stand.
Balki Bartokomous.
Well, feed me garlic
and call me stinky.
Balki, would you say
that you are...an honest man?
Well, I’m no honest
Abe Vigoda, but I try.
In fact, you are
a very honest man.
Last week, when we took Jennifer
and Mary Anne to dinner...
...wasn’t it you
who pointed out
that the restaurant charged us
for only two dinners
instead of four?
No, cousin, that was you.
If I remember correctly,
your exact words were
"They only charged us
for two dinners
"let’s get out of here."
[stuttering]
But‐but, Balki...
...isn’t it true that you
made us go back and pay
for all the dinners
because you are so honest?
Well, cousin, right is right.
We did eat them.
So, in a word,
Balki Bartokomous
you are an exceptionally
honest man.
A man incapable
of committing a crime.
I submit to you...
...that we have here
is the most honest man
at the Chronicle.
Absolutely.
No argument from me.
I’m not one to blow
my own nose, but...
...I don’t know
if I’m the most honest.
I‐I’ve been told
I’m one of the best dancers.
‐Balki?
‐Yes.
I now show you
this photograph.
Do you recognize it?
That’s me...
...reading, uh,
reading a letter from mama.
Do you notice anything unusual
about the photograph?
‐Yes. It’s borderless.
‐Ah‐ha.
But what is this object...
...behind your ear?
I guess that
that would be a pencil.
It could be one of them pens
that looks like a pencil.
‐Oh, so you’re not sure?
‐No.
Well, maybe this
will help you.
Thanks to
the Chronicle’s photo lab
I’ve had a portion
of this picture blown up!
Oh, God.
Now, I ask you again,
what is this object...
...behind your ear?
It’s a pencil, alright.
A‐ha!
But whose pencil?
I guess it would be
my pencil.
Oh, it would, would it?
Well, maybe this will
change your mind!
It‐it still looks
like my pencil.
Then why does it have
the words "Chicago Chronicle"
written on it?
‐Well, I don’t know.
‐Oh, you don’t know?
‐No, I don’t know.
‐Or you don’t want to know?
No, I want to know.
Well, perhaps I can
help you remember.
I’d appreciate it.
It was a cool,
autumn evening
like many we experienced here
in the windy city.
It was quitting time.
You were probably
putting on your jacket
getting ready to go home.
Then, suddenly, you looked,
and there it was...
...a pencil
belonging to
the Chicago Chronicle.
You put it behind your ear.
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes.
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes!
And then you drove home.
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes.
‐Didn’t you?
‐Yes!
You probably never
gave a second thought
because, after all, it was
just a pencil, wasn’t it?
‐Yes.
‐Wasn’t it?
Cousin, don’t!
You kept it behind your ear
the entire evening.
And then later,
when you found it
you didn’t think about
who it belonged to
or who it’s rightful owner was.
After all, it was
just another pencil
in the passing parade!
Cousin, don’t.
It wasn’t too late.
You could have
returned it
but you didn’t,
did you?
‐No!
‐No!
‐No!
‐No!
You put it
in your pencil cup
which is where
I found it!
I didn’t mean to do it.
I’m sorry!
Thank you.
It’s alright.
It’s over now.
Lady and gentlemen
of the committee...
[sobbing loudly]
We have previously
established
that Balki Bartokomous
is a man incapable
of committing a crime.
[gasping]
[sobbing]
We have
also established
that this same
Balki Bartokomous
takes home
office supplies.
[whining]
Therefore, taking home
office supplies is not a crime
and I am not guilty!
I rest my case.
Good.
I can just make tip‐off.
Appleton’s right.
We all do it.
‐I vote not guilty.
‐Guilty.
Can I change my vote?
Balki, it looks like
it’s up to you.
Just give me a minute.
Hey, take all the time
you need, buddy.
I’m ready.
Guilty.
[instrumental music]
Are you still
mad at me?
No, no.
‐You did the right thing.
‐Thank you.
I never realized how much
I was taking home.
This stuff really adds up.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
I found these four paper clips
in my coat pocket.
I thought I could trust me.
Well, I figure
after I return this
I’ll only owe
about $85.
Well, I thought
it was fair
you just pay
for what you used.
Balki...
...I’m sorry for...putting
you on the stand...
...humiliating you...
...making you feel
like a criminal...
...stripping you
of all human dignity.
You only did what any
good lawyer would do.
Well, I‐I feel bad
about it, so, uh...
...I got you these.
Cousin, don’t...don’t
give them to me
if you’re going to
take them away.
M‐m‐my heart can
only be broken
so many times.
‐They’re yours.
‐Whee!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[music continues]