Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 6 - Up the Lazy River: Part 1 - full transcript
[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you
just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some
kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's going
to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ To the rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life ♪
♪ And my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's
gonna stop me now ♪
Thanks for letting me
drive, Harriette.
When do I get
to do it again?
How about
"The Twelfth Of Never?"
I'll pencil you in.
So, are you and Larry
going with us
on the company camping‐trip?
Oh, I am, but,
uh, Cousin Larry
don't do well
out of doors.
I know my Cousin Larry
like the back of my hand
there's no way, no how,
Cousin Larry is going camping.
Balki..
...we're going camping.
Bad call.
Cousin,
I don't understand.
‐ You said you hate camping.
‐ I do.
But, Jennifer loves it.
She thinks it's romantic.
This is my chance
to get Jennifer away
for a romantic weekend.
Wait a minute, cousin.
I'm getting a deja voodoo.
The last time you tried
to get Jennifer away
for a romantic weekend,
was the time you took us skiing
which resulted in our being
trapped in an avalanche.
Jennifer has forgotten
all about that.
Oh, is that right?
‐ Yes, it is.
‐ Really?
Well, that's interesting
I would have thought
it would be hard
to forget
being buried alive.
‐ Hi, guys.
‐ 'Hi, Jennifer.'
Are you ready
to go to lunch?
Jennifer, I have a wonderful
surprise for you.
How would you like
to go camping?
I'd love it.
Oh, you‐you‐you mean
with you?
The memory
lingers on.
You know,
I still hyperventilate
every time
I pass a ski shop.
Well, you've got to be
equipped with a paper bag.
Slip it over your head
and do
some deep breathing,
get it all up here.
Like this, right‐‐
Okay, okay, hey,
people, people, people.
Hey, hey, hey.
Doesn't "Forgive and forget"
mean anything?
‐ No.
‐ No.
This trip will be different.
It's totally organized.
We'll be with a big group.
I don't know.
You..
...the woods..
...so much could go wrong.
You're right. You're right,
you are absolutely right.
I couldn't agree
with you more.
And, and, and I wouldn't even
go camping with just me.
And that's why, uh..
...that's why, uh,
uh, that's why
Balki is going to be
the camping leader.
‐ I am?
‐ Didn't I tell you that?
‐ No.
‐ Where's my head?
Oh, it's a good thing
I'm not in charge.
I‐I'm going to be
the leader?
Yes.
Oh, you never
let me lead before.
Well, you weren't
ready before.
‐ No.
‐ No, now you are.
‐ Yes?
‐ Yes.
Balki is a master
of the wilderness.
Why, he was practically
born outdoors.
I was born outdoors.
Well, there you are.
Can I pick
a leader or what?
Well, I‐I guess if Balki
is going to lead‐‐
You'll go. Great.
Balki, you wanna
lead us to lunch?
Well, this is fun,
let's see..
...how would you
like to go to
Bosco's House
Of Liver And Waffles?
"Liver And Waffles?"
Well, if you don't mind
the drive‐thru
there's always
Eels On Wheels.
Uh, Larry why don't
you lead this one?
Yeah.
Well, uh‐uh,
there‐there's always
Jack's Escargo‐go
with the little snails that go..
Cousin..
...Mary‐Mary Anne
said that, uh..
...that, that she
would be, um..
...coming with us.
What is all this?
Balki, this is what we
need to go camping.
Here's your state‐of‐the‐art
all‐season tent.
Your self‐contained,
self‐igniting propane stove.
Your double‐mantled,
high‐intensity
camping lantern
with optional bug light.
Cousin, you're
bringing beer?
Bug light.
Bug light.
But, cousin, I‐I, I thought
the idea of camping
was just man and nature
with nothing in between.
Don't you think
I know that?
And hey, if it were
just you and me..
...I'd bring nothing
but my trusty hunting knife.
But, we're bringing women.
Well, cousin, on Mypos
when we bring women,
it's easier.
They do all
the heavy lifting.
And would Jennifer
and Mary Anne
were like
that hardy breed
but they're not.
Roughing it does not make
American women feel romantic
comfort does.
Well, I‐I‐I want them
to feel comfortable
but "Good Golly, Miss Molly,"
do we really need all this?
Well, I have already whittled
it down to the bare essentials.
I'm still undecided
about the portable shower.
‐ What's this?
‐ Ah.
Take your shoes off
step into this baby,
give it a try.
This..
...is a top‐of‐the‐line
all‐weather..
...water‐proof sleeping bag.
And, when nestled
on a Nature Sleep
super‐soft air mattress
it provides comfort
and warmth.
Two of the ingredients
necessary
for a romantic camping‐trip.
In fact, the man at the store
said that in the event
of an emergency, two people
could fit in this bag.
Well, I think he sold you
a bill of rights.
There's no way you can get
two people in here.
‐ Sure you can.
‐ No, I don't think so.
Well..
‐ What are you doing?
‐ I'll show you.
Well, I, Cousin, can I
just save you some time?
There's no way two people
are gonna fit in this bag.
Well, let me save you
some time.
Two people will fit
in here, no problem.
Alright, there's, you know,
there's other things
we could be doing,
this is..
...this is eating up my day,
you know.
I, I..
There, are
you satisfied?
Well, I'll be
snookered.
‐ Two people can fit in here.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
But they'll have to take
turns breathing.
And if it gets
really cold..
...you just put on
the hood.
My, it's cozy in here.
Of course it is.
Balki, the goose
down in this bag
[screaming]
What, what?
There's a goose,
down in this bag?
No, no, no, Balki,
no, no, stop it.
Balki, just, don't,
you're hysterical.
Balki, stop it.
Ow! Stop it!
Oh, I'd better
stop it, stop it!
Feathers.
Goose feathers.
The goose feathers
in the lining of this bag
will protect us,
down to a temperature
of 60 below.
Well, cousin, I'm sorry.
As a child..
...I had a very traumatic
experience with a goose.
I'll bet you did.
[phone ringing]
Would you like
to get that or shall I?
[phone ringing]
The zipper is stuck.
Too bad you didn't
get a sleeping bag
with a phone in it.
Alright, alright, alright.
Hopping, hopping.
Hopping, hop.
Alright, here.
‐ Hopping, okay?
‐ Hopping, hopping.
‐ Hop, hop, hop.
‐ Hopping, hopping, hop.
[grunting]
[phone ringing]
Alright, alright.
You talk, I'll listen.
Hello, hello?
‐ Balki.
‐ Hello, hello?
‐ Balki.
‐ Hello, hello?
‐ Balki.
‐ Hello, hello?
‐ Balki!
‐ Aah!
‐ What is it?
‐ They hung up.
Oh.
We've got to get out
of this thing.
No kidding.
[knocking]
Who is it?
(Jennifer)
'It's Jennifer.'
Uh, just a minute.
Uh, just a minute.
Uh, oh, over here,
over here.
Alright, alright.
Now, hopping, hopping.
‐ Hopping, hopping, hopping.
‐ Hopping, hopping, hopping.
‐ Hop, hop, hop.
‐ Hopping, hop, hop.
‐ Hop, hop, hop.
‐ Hop, hop, hop.
[grunting]
[grunting]
(in unison)
Hi!
Hi, uh, I was just wondering
when we were..
I, I‐I‐Is this a bad time?
[grunting]
Oh, no, uh, we,
we were just, uh..
...testing
this sleeping bag.
Yeah, what do you think, Balki,
uh, passed the stress test?
Yeah, couple more hours
and we should know for sure.
[grunting]
Oh, uh, Jennifer, uh,
have any gear you need tested?
Uh, no, I was just wondering
what time
we were leaving in the morning.
‐ Oh.
‐ Oh, uh, let's see.
I wanna get up at 5:30
and get in the shower.
You're gonna dry your hair
or just let it air‐dry?
[indistinct chatter]
You want an omelet
for breakfast with feta cheese..
...uh, out the door
by six o'clock, uh..
‐ 6:15?
‐ 6:15?
Fine.
Uh, Balki is still
our camping leader, right?
‐ Oh, sure.
‐ Oh.
You never said
a truer thing, yes.
Lead on, lead on.
Well, I was just checking.
‐ Bye‐Bye.
‐ Bye.
You don't think she noticed
anything wrong, do you?
No, no.
I think she probably
sees two men
wearing a sleeping bag
each and every day.
Small setback,
small setback.
But this is still going to be
the greatest camping trip ever.
Cousin, wake up
and smell the propane.
We're trapped and we haven't
even left the apartment yet.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Alright, everybody
in my group over here!
Gather 'round
the picnic table!
Now, I'd like to take
this opportunity
to point out that the tip
for the group leader
is not included
in the price of the trip.
Are you gonna wear
that all weekend?
I'm starting
to get a migraine.
If there are any hunters
in the woods
I wanna make sure
they see me.
See you?
Hang a couple of lights
on your butt
and airplanes
will land on your back!
Why do you always
do that to me?
'Why do you undermine
my self‐confidence..'
Oh, Mary Anne,
isn't this wonderful?
This is great.
I haven't camped out
since...since..
...well, I guess
I've never camped out.
Now, remember, campers,
this is not a zoo.
Do not pet or feed
the animals.
This is their home.
Try to respect that.
Larry, come on.
Yeah, I'm coming,
I'm coming.
[grunting]
Larry, are you sure you don't
want any help with that?
Oh, no, I'm fine,
I'm fine.
If I can't carry twice
my body weight in camping gear
I don't deserve
to go camping.
Uh, now, can I have
your attention?
All Chronicle campers,
please go down the path
to the corral
where you'll be given a mule
'to take you to the campsite.'
'And remember,
those mules can bite.'
[laughing]
Aren't you guys coming?
Oh, you go ahead.
We'll catch up.
Balki, we need to talk.
[panting]
Did you see
the girl's faces
when the man
mentioned mules?
No, cousin,
I was being a good listener.
Well, I did.
They were not happy campers.
Well, Cousin, how else we're
gonna get to the campsite?
Oh, huh.
Oh! Look!
'Rafts!'
Well, Balki,
this is perfect!
The campsite is right
on the river.
We'll rent a raft,
the river
will take us slowly
to the campsite
what could be
more romantic?
Shearing a sheep
with the woman you love?
But that's not the point.
The point is,
as leader
I veto the rafts
and I go for the mules.
Balki, Balki, I‐I..
...I didn't wanna bring
this up before
uh, because you were doing so
well as leader, but technically
technically,
your leadership doesn't begin
until we
get to the campsite.
You‐You never
mentioned that.
Well, I didn't think
it was necessary.
It's implied in the term
"Camping leader."
"Camping leader!"
When we get
to the campsite
the camping leader,
that's you..
...will be in charge
of the camping.
But it is my responsibility
to get us there.
Wow!
I had no idea there was such
a subtle division of leadership.
Well, now, you do.
Follow me.
‐ Hi.
‐ Hi.
We'd like to rent a raft,
large enough for four.
Okay.
That's $30 a day
for the raft.
Are you guys
gonna need a guide?
‐ No.
‐ Yes.
‐ Excuse us.
‐ Certainly.
What, uh..
What are you doing?
Well, Cousin, I‐I thought
it might be nice
to‐to take a guide.
Balki, we don't need a guide
to take us down the river.
Pay attention.
The river only goes one way.
It's a one‐way river.
Well, cousin, I think it's a tad
more complicated than that.
‐ Oh, you do?
‐ Yes, I do.
‐ Oh, you do, oh, do you?
‐ Yes, I do, cousin‐‐
Alright. Well, Balki,
let me ask you a question.
How many rivers
have you been on?
How many?
How many rivers?
How many rivers
have you been on
in a rubber raft
in America?
‐ None.
‐ None?
As in zero, as in no rivers
have you been on
in a rubber raft
in America?
‐ That is correct.
‐ Well, I have.
And I say
we don't need a guide.
[thumping]
Pay attention!
Balki!
Look, we sit
in the raft
with Jennifer
and Mary Anne.
The river slowly
takes us to the campsite.
We glide up,
we get out.
‐ I take charge‐‐
‐ Yeah, yeah, sure.
The point is,
everyone will have fun
'cause we'll be rollin'.
‐ Rolling?
‐ Rollin'.
‐ Rolling?
‐ Rollin' on the river.
Rolling on the river?
♪ Left a good job in the city ♪
[snapping fingers]
♪ Workin' for the man
every night and day ♪
♪ And I never lost
a minute of sleepin' ♪
♪ Worrying 'bout the way
things might have been ♪
♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪
♪ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ♪
[instrumental music]
Well, I think we all have
to agree that this is absolutely
the best time we have
ever had out of doors.
Oh, look, a deer.
(in unison)
Oh!
It looks
just like Bambi.
(in unison)
Oh!
Oh, Larry, it's absolutely
beautiful out here.
It is, isn't it?
Ah, nature.
I love it.
It's good to get back
to the simple life.
Now, I have three kinds
of cheesecake.
Almond
chocolate chip
and Grand Marnier.
Cousin, uh, there's an important
decision to be made.
Mm‐hmm. You're absolutely
right, Balki.
Almond, chocolate chip
or Grand Marnier?
I, no, the river
has a fork in the road.
Which way should we go?
Now, uh, let's see..
...the, uh, the map says
we go...left.
Well, that may be what the map
says, but I'm telling you
Mother Nature is whispering in
my ear that we should go right.
[laughing]
Isn't that cute?
Mother Nature is
whispering in his ear.
Well, maybe Mother Nature
hasn't looked at the map.
[laughing]
Now...almond, chocolate chip
or Grand Marnier?
[instrumental music]
Uh, cousin,
I think we have a problem.
No kidding,
we're out of champagne.
I knew I should
have brought more.
No, cousin, I think the river
is getting angry at us.
[screaming]
(Larry)
'No big deal.
Uh, let's just paddle.'
Larry, aren't we going a lot
faster than we were before?
Well, well,
maybe a couple of knots.
Speed is hard to judge
when you're on the water.
(Mary Anne)
Ah! Look out, Larry!
Danger, on the other hand,
is rather easy to judge!
'On the other hand
is rock, rock!'
[screaming]
Don't panic!
We can do this!
People go down
rivers every day.
How hard can it be?
Cousin, this is not the log ride
at Knott's Berry Farm!
[screaming]
Harder!
We have to paddle!
[screaming]
[screaming]
[clamoring]
‐ Balki!
‐ Balki!
'Stop it! Stop it!'
Stop it!
[gasping]
There. Huh, huh?
That wasn't so bad.
No.
(Larry)
Just a little white water.
I think we're okay.
What's that sound?
I've heard
that sound before.
You have?
Yeah, on my trip
to Niagara Falls.
(in unison)
Niagara Falls!
Paddle! Paddle to the right!
To the right. To the right!
‐ What? Alright!
‐ To the left!
To the left!
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
‐ No. Cousin!
‐ Larry, Larry.
[screaming]
[screaming]
Balki, I can't swim!
(Jennifer)
H‐Hold on, I'll save you.
(Jennifer)
Mary Anne, I can't swim!
(Jennifer)
Oh, no. No! Ah!
(Mary Anne)
Save me!
(Jennifer)
Oh, no!
The current's too strong.
(Mary Anne)
I can't swim!
[theme music]
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you
just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need some
kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's going
to stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ To the rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life ♪
♪ And my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's
gonna stop me now ♪
Thanks for letting me
drive, Harriette.
When do I get
to do it again?
How about
"The Twelfth Of Never?"
I'll pencil you in.
So, are you and Larry
going with us
on the company camping‐trip?
Oh, I am, but,
uh, Cousin Larry
don't do well
out of doors.
I know my Cousin Larry
like the back of my hand
there's no way, no how,
Cousin Larry is going camping.
Balki..
...we're going camping.
Bad call.
Cousin,
I don't understand.
‐ You said you hate camping.
‐ I do.
But, Jennifer loves it.
She thinks it's romantic.
This is my chance
to get Jennifer away
for a romantic weekend.
Wait a minute, cousin.
I'm getting a deja voodoo.
The last time you tried
to get Jennifer away
for a romantic weekend,
was the time you took us skiing
which resulted in our being
trapped in an avalanche.
Jennifer has forgotten
all about that.
Oh, is that right?
‐ Yes, it is.
‐ Really?
Well, that's interesting
I would have thought
it would be hard
to forget
being buried alive.
‐ Hi, guys.
‐ 'Hi, Jennifer.'
Are you ready
to go to lunch?
Jennifer, I have a wonderful
surprise for you.
How would you like
to go camping?
I'd love it.
Oh, you‐you‐you mean
with you?
The memory
lingers on.
You know,
I still hyperventilate
every time
I pass a ski shop.
Well, you've got to be
equipped with a paper bag.
Slip it over your head
and do
some deep breathing,
get it all up here.
Like this, right‐‐
Okay, okay, hey,
people, people, people.
Hey, hey, hey.
Doesn't "Forgive and forget"
mean anything?
‐ No.
‐ No.
This trip will be different.
It's totally organized.
We'll be with a big group.
I don't know.
You..
...the woods..
...so much could go wrong.
You're right. You're right,
you are absolutely right.
I couldn't agree
with you more.
And, and, and I wouldn't even
go camping with just me.
And that's why, uh..
...that's why, uh,
uh, that's why
Balki is going to be
the camping leader.
‐ I am?
‐ Didn't I tell you that?
‐ No.
‐ Where's my head?
Oh, it's a good thing
I'm not in charge.
I‐I'm going to be
the leader?
Yes.
Oh, you never
let me lead before.
Well, you weren't
ready before.
‐ No.
‐ No, now you are.
‐ Yes?
‐ Yes.
Balki is a master
of the wilderness.
Why, he was practically
born outdoors.
I was born outdoors.
Well, there you are.
Can I pick
a leader or what?
Well, I‐I guess if Balki
is going to lead‐‐
You'll go. Great.
Balki, you wanna
lead us to lunch?
Well, this is fun,
let's see..
...how would you
like to go to
Bosco's House
Of Liver And Waffles?
"Liver And Waffles?"
Well, if you don't mind
the drive‐thru
there's always
Eels On Wheels.
Uh, Larry why don't
you lead this one?
Yeah.
Well, uh‐uh,
there‐there's always
Jack's Escargo‐go
with the little snails that go..
Cousin..
...Mary‐Mary Anne
said that, uh..
...that, that she
would be, um..
...coming with us.
What is all this?
Balki, this is what we
need to go camping.
Here's your state‐of‐the‐art
all‐season tent.
Your self‐contained,
self‐igniting propane stove.
Your double‐mantled,
high‐intensity
camping lantern
with optional bug light.
Cousin, you're
bringing beer?
Bug light.
Bug light.
But, cousin, I‐I, I thought
the idea of camping
was just man and nature
with nothing in between.
Don't you think
I know that?
And hey, if it were
just you and me..
...I'd bring nothing
but my trusty hunting knife.
But, we're bringing women.
Well, cousin, on Mypos
when we bring women,
it's easier.
They do all
the heavy lifting.
And would Jennifer
and Mary Anne
were like
that hardy breed
but they're not.
Roughing it does not make
American women feel romantic
comfort does.
Well, I‐I‐I want them
to feel comfortable
but "Good Golly, Miss Molly,"
do we really need all this?
Well, I have already whittled
it down to the bare essentials.
I'm still undecided
about the portable shower.
‐ What's this?
‐ Ah.
Take your shoes off
step into this baby,
give it a try.
This..
...is a top‐of‐the‐line
all‐weather..
...water‐proof sleeping bag.
And, when nestled
on a Nature Sleep
super‐soft air mattress
it provides comfort
and warmth.
Two of the ingredients
necessary
for a romantic camping‐trip.
In fact, the man at the store
said that in the event
of an emergency, two people
could fit in this bag.
Well, I think he sold you
a bill of rights.
There's no way you can get
two people in here.
‐ Sure you can.
‐ No, I don't think so.
Well..
‐ What are you doing?
‐ I'll show you.
Well, I, Cousin, can I
just save you some time?
There's no way two people
are gonna fit in this bag.
Well, let me save you
some time.
Two people will fit
in here, no problem.
Alright, there's, you know,
there's other things
we could be doing,
this is..
...this is eating up my day,
you know.
I, I..
There, are
you satisfied?
Well, I'll be
snookered.
‐ Two people can fit in here.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
But they'll have to take
turns breathing.
And if it gets
really cold..
...you just put on
the hood.
My, it's cozy in here.
Of course it is.
Balki, the goose
down in this bag
[screaming]
What, what?
There's a goose,
down in this bag?
No, no, no, Balki,
no, no, stop it.
Balki, just, don't,
you're hysterical.
Balki, stop it.
Ow! Stop it!
Oh, I'd better
stop it, stop it!
Feathers.
Goose feathers.
The goose feathers
in the lining of this bag
will protect us,
down to a temperature
of 60 below.
Well, cousin, I'm sorry.
As a child..
...I had a very traumatic
experience with a goose.
I'll bet you did.
[phone ringing]
Would you like
to get that or shall I?
[phone ringing]
The zipper is stuck.
Too bad you didn't
get a sleeping bag
with a phone in it.
Alright, alright, alright.
Hopping, hopping.
Hopping, hop.
Alright, here.
‐ Hopping, okay?
‐ Hopping, hopping.
‐ Hop, hop, hop.
‐ Hopping, hopping, hop.
[grunting]
[phone ringing]
Alright, alright.
You talk, I'll listen.
Hello, hello?
‐ Balki.
‐ Hello, hello?
‐ Balki.
‐ Hello, hello?
‐ Balki.
‐ Hello, hello?
‐ Balki!
‐ Aah!
‐ What is it?
‐ They hung up.
Oh.
We've got to get out
of this thing.
No kidding.
[knocking]
Who is it?
(Jennifer)
'It's Jennifer.'
Uh, just a minute.
Uh, just a minute.
Uh, oh, over here,
over here.
Alright, alright.
Now, hopping, hopping.
‐ Hopping, hopping, hopping.
‐ Hopping, hopping, hopping.
‐ Hop, hop, hop.
‐ Hopping, hop, hop.
‐ Hop, hop, hop.
‐ Hop, hop, hop.
[grunting]
[grunting]
(in unison)
Hi!
Hi, uh, I was just wondering
when we were..
I, I‐I‐Is this a bad time?
[grunting]
Oh, no, uh, we,
we were just, uh..
...testing
this sleeping bag.
Yeah, what do you think, Balki,
uh, passed the stress test?
Yeah, couple more hours
and we should know for sure.
[grunting]
Oh, uh, Jennifer, uh,
have any gear you need tested?
Uh, no, I was just wondering
what time
we were leaving in the morning.
‐ Oh.
‐ Oh, uh, let's see.
I wanna get up at 5:30
and get in the shower.
You're gonna dry your hair
or just let it air‐dry?
[indistinct chatter]
You want an omelet
for breakfast with feta cheese..
...uh, out the door
by six o'clock, uh..
‐ 6:15?
‐ 6:15?
Fine.
Uh, Balki is still
our camping leader, right?
‐ Oh, sure.
‐ Oh.
You never said
a truer thing, yes.
Lead on, lead on.
Well, I was just checking.
‐ Bye‐Bye.
‐ Bye.
You don't think she noticed
anything wrong, do you?
No, no.
I think she probably
sees two men
wearing a sleeping bag
each and every day.
Small setback,
small setback.
But this is still going to be
the greatest camping trip ever.
Cousin, wake up
and smell the propane.
We're trapped and we haven't
even left the apartment yet.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Alright, everybody
in my group over here!
Gather 'round
the picnic table!
Now, I'd like to take
this opportunity
to point out that the tip
for the group leader
is not included
in the price of the trip.
Are you gonna wear
that all weekend?
I'm starting
to get a migraine.
If there are any hunters
in the woods
I wanna make sure
they see me.
See you?
Hang a couple of lights
on your butt
and airplanes
will land on your back!
Why do you always
do that to me?
'Why do you undermine
my self‐confidence..'
Oh, Mary Anne,
isn't this wonderful?
This is great.
I haven't camped out
since...since..
...well, I guess
I've never camped out.
Now, remember, campers,
this is not a zoo.
Do not pet or feed
the animals.
This is their home.
Try to respect that.
Larry, come on.
Yeah, I'm coming,
I'm coming.
[grunting]
Larry, are you sure you don't
want any help with that?
Oh, no, I'm fine,
I'm fine.
If I can't carry twice
my body weight in camping gear
I don't deserve
to go camping.
Uh, now, can I have
your attention?
All Chronicle campers,
please go down the path
to the corral
where you'll be given a mule
'to take you to the campsite.'
'And remember,
those mules can bite.'
[laughing]
Aren't you guys coming?
Oh, you go ahead.
We'll catch up.
Balki, we need to talk.
[panting]
Did you see
the girl's faces
when the man
mentioned mules?
No, cousin,
I was being a good listener.
Well, I did.
They were not happy campers.
Well, Cousin, how else we're
gonna get to the campsite?
Oh, huh.
Oh! Look!
'Rafts!'
Well, Balki,
this is perfect!
The campsite is right
on the river.
We'll rent a raft,
the river
will take us slowly
to the campsite
what could be
more romantic?
Shearing a sheep
with the woman you love?
But that's not the point.
The point is,
as leader
I veto the rafts
and I go for the mules.
Balki, Balki, I‐I..
...I didn't wanna bring
this up before
uh, because you were doing so
well as leader, but technically
technically,
your leadership doesn't begin
until we
get to the campsite.
You‐You never
mentioned that.
Well, I didn't think
it was necessary.
It's implied in the term
"Camping leader."
"Camping leader!"
When we get
to the campsite
the camping leader,
that's you..
...will be in charge
of the camping.
But it is my responsibility
to get us there.
Wow!
I had no idea there was such
a subtle division of leadership.
Well, now, you do.
Follow me.
‐ Hi.
‐ Hi.
We'd like to rent a raft,
large enough for four.
Okay.
That's $30 a day
for the raft.
Are you guys
gonna need a guide?
‐ No.
‐ Yes.
‐ Excuse us.
‐ Certainly.
What, uh..
What are you doing?
Well, Cousin, I‐I thought
it might be nice
to‐to take a guide.
Balki, we don't need a guide
to take us down the river.
Pay attention.
The river only goes one way.
It's a one‐way river.
Well, cousin, I think it's a tad
more complicated than that.
‐ Oh, you do?
‐ Yes, I do.
‐ Oh, you do, oh, do you?
‐ Yes, I do, cousin‐‐
Alright. Well, Balki,
let me ask you a question.
How many rivers
have you been on?
How many?
How many rivers?
How many rivers
have you been on
in a rubber raft
in America?
‐ None.
‐ None?
As in zero, as in no rivers
have you been on
in a rubber raft
in America?
‐ That is correct.
‐ Well, I have.
And I say
we don't need a guide.
[thumping]
Pay attention!
Balki!
Look, we sit
in the raft
with Jennifer
and Mary Anne.
The river slowly
takes us to the campsite.
We glide up,
we get out.
‐ I take charge‐‐
‐ Yeah, yeah, sure.
The point is,
everyone will have fun
'cause we'll be rollin'.
‐ Rolling?
‐ Rollin'.
‐ Rolling?
‐ Rollin' on the river.
Rolling on the river?
♪ Left a good job in the city ♪
[snapping fingers]
♪ Workin' for the man
every night and day ♪
♪ And I never lost
a minute of sleepin' ♪
♪ Worrying 'bout the way
things might have been ♪
♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪
♪ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ♪
[instrumental music]
Well, I think we all have
to agree that this is absolutely
the best time we have
ever had out of doors.
Oh, look, a deer.
(in unison)
Oh!
It looks
just like Bambi.
(in unison)
Oh!
Oh, Larry, it's absolutely
beautiful out here.
It is, isn't it?
Ah, nature.
I love it.
It's good to get back
to the simple life.
Now, I have three kinds
of cheesecake.
Almond
chocolate chip
and Grand Marnier.
Cousin, uh, there's an important
decision to be made.
Mm‐hmm. You're absolutely
right, Balki.
Almond, chocolate chip
or Grand Marnier?
I, no, the river
has a fork in the road.
Which way should we go?
Now, uh, let's see..
...the, uh, the map says
we go...left.
Well, that may be what the map
says, but I'm telling you
Mother Nature is whispering in
my ear that we should go right.
[laughing]
Isn't that cute?
Mother Nature is
whispering in his ear.
Well, maybe Mother Nature
hasn't looked at the map.
[laughing]
Now...almond, chocolate chip
or Grand Marnier?
[instrumental music]
Uh, cousin,
I think we have a problem.
No kidding,
we're out of champagne.
I knew I should
have brought more.
No, cousin, I think the river
is getting angry at us.
[screaming]
(Larry)
'No big deal.
Uh, let's just paddle.'
Larry, aren't we going a lot
faster than we were before?
Well, well,
maybe a couple of knots.
Speed is hard to judge
when you're on the water.
(Mary Anne)
Ah! Look out, Larry!
Danger, on the other hand,
is rather easy to judge!
'On the other hand
is rock, rock!'
[screaming]
Don't panic!
We can do this!
People go down
rivers every day.
How hard can it be?
Cousin, this is not the log ride
at Knott's Berry Farm!
[screaming]
Harder!
We have to paddle!
[screaming]
[screaming]
[clamoring]
‐ Balki!
‐ Balki!
'Stop it! Stop it!'
Stop it!
[gasping]
There. Huh, huh?
That wasn't so bad.
No.
(Larry)
Just a little white water.
I think we're okay.
What's that sound?
I've heard
that sound before.
You have?
Yeah, on my trip
to Niagara Falls.
(in unison)
Niagara Falls!
Paddle! Paddle to the right!
To the right. To the right!
‐ What? Alright!
‐ To the left!
To the left!
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
‐ No. Cousin!
‐ Larry, Larry.
[screaming]
[screaming]
Balki, I can't swim!
(Jennifer)
H‐Hold on, I'll save you.
(Jennifer)
Mary Anne, I can't swim!
(Jennifer)
Oh, no. No! Ah!
(Mary Anne)
Save me!
(Jennifer)
Oh, no!
The current's too strong.
(Mary Anne)
I can't swim!
[theme music]