Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 7 - Up a Lazy River: Part 2 - full transcript

(male narrator)
Last week,
on "Perfect Strangers.."

I don't understand,
you said you hate camping.

I do,
but Jennifer loves it.

She thinks it's romantic.

This is my chance
to get Jennifer

away for a romantic weekend.

Oh, look.

Rafts.

The camp site
is right on the river.

We'll rent a raft.

The river will take us
slowly to the camp site



What could be
more romantic?

Larry, aren't we going a lot
faster than we were before?

Well, well, maybe
a couple of knots.

[screaming]

‐ Larry, Larry.
‐ Cousin.

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes
the world looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes
you just get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's going to stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪



♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end. ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dreams ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing's going
to stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

We can,
we can rest.

Here. Ungh!

[panting]

[coughing]

Jennifer, thank God,
you're alive.

You know, when I saw Larry
coming to save me

I thought I was a goner.

Alright.

The first thing
we have to do

is figure out
how to get out of here.

No, cousin.

The first thing
we have to do

is to figure out
where "Here" is.

You mean we're lost?

No, no, no.
We can't be lost.

The last time
you got us lost

we were almost killed
in an avalanche.

Jennifer, don't worry.

I will get us
out of here.

‐ We're going to die!
‐ 'Oh, my God!'

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Okay, okay,
ladies, ladies, please.

Have some consideration.

You're gonna
wake up the owls.

Now, let's just take stock
of our situation, huh?

Now, this happens to be a nice,
safe spot for a camp site.

Isn't it? Yes.

And now, I'm going to be handing
out some assignments seeing

that I'm the camping leader.

First of all, we need somebody
to hunt for nuts and berries.

We need somebody to head up
the firewood committee.

And, uh, one of you people gets
to dig for the good‐luck slug.

Now, let's take
the, uh, life jackets.

Spread them out to dry.

Now, wait‐wait‐wait.

Why are we
making camp?

All we have to do is
cut across the forest

in...that direction.

And we'll run right into
the other fork of the river.

We'll just follow it down
to the camp site

and we'll be there in time
for the big barbeque

and talent show.

I think that we should stay here

and wait for the search party.

I'm with Balki.

Me too.

Uh, Balki, could I...speak
with you privately.

Oh, sure.

Excuse us.

You have got to let me
lead us out of here.

You have got
to be kidding.

Cousin, Jennifer and Mary Ann
won't follow you.

I'm having kind
of a hard time myself.

Alright, wait,
wait, wait.

You're the camping leader.

They'll follow me
if you tell them to.

Cousin, they
lost their way

not their minds.

But good news, I'm gonna put you
in charge of gathering nuts.

‐ Eeh!
‐ Get back here.

If I don't get
Jennifer's respect back

she won't trust
me again.

If she doesn't trust me

she won't go out
with me anymore.

‐ Well‐‐
‐ And then, we'll drift apart.

I'll wind up...alone,
heartbroken

no wife,
no children.

Never to have
a...darling little tike

to climb into my lap

and say in
a sweet, innocent voice

"When is Uncle Balki
coming over to visit?

I want him to tell me
more stories of Mypos."

Oh, cousin, I want
to be an uncle.

Of course you do.

Even though I don't know how
that works since we are cousins.

Well, I‐‐

Wouldn't that be,
wait a minute.

Are you sure you know how
to get back to the camp site?

Of course. Nobody can be
wrong all the time.

Okay.

I'll do it.

Oh, I suppose I'll have
to, now, break the news

to Jennifer and Mary Ann.

‐ You can do it.
‐ Okay.

Well, here I go.

Jennifer, um, Mary Ann..

...first of all,
I'd like to tell you

just how lovely
you look today.

Now, uh, I've
been thinking

about this,
and as camping leader

I've decided that we
should follow Cousin Larry.

‐ What?
‐ What?

Get 'em up, move 'em out.

♪ I don't know
but I've been told ♪

♪ Illinois wind
is a mighty cold ♪

♪ Sound off ♪

♪ Sound off ♪

[indistinct]

♪ Three four ♪

[instrumental music]

[singing gibberish]

♪ Twenty‐three bottles
of beer on the wall ♪

Look..

...I can see the other fork
of the river.

‐ Oh! Oh!
‐ We made it, we made it!

And it only took us
five hours.

The camp site can't be far
from here. I did it.

‐ You did it!
‐ I did it.

We'll rest here
for a few minutes

then, we'll into camp
with our heads held high.

What's that?

Life jackets.

Those look like the ones
we left at the other clearing.

Mary Ann, this is
the other clearing.

We've been walking
for five hours

and you lead us
in a circle.

How could you
lead us in a circle!

How could you
lead us in a circle!

Jennifer,
Jennifer, Jennifer

may, may I, may I
have a word with you?

Now, is this
really fair?

Shouldn't you pick
on someone your own size?

Well...let me have him.

Let me have him.

Let go.
I know it's hard.

Get up.

How could you
lead us in a circle?

How could you lead us
in a circle!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Alright.

Alright, now..

...we've wasted
a lot of daylight.

So, so, girls,
I want you to go

and, and, uh, search
for firewood.

Cousin Larry and I are going
to forage the forest for food.

‐ Fine.
‐ 'But wait.'

Let's not forage the forest
for food so fast.

I know what
I did wrong.

Now, I really know
where I'm going.

‐ We head through the woods..
‐ Let's get some firewood.

If we just, no, if we kinda, we
kinda cross here and wa‐‐

‐ Cousin, cousin, cousin.
‐ We have, we have, we have‐‐

It's over.
Let it go.

I can't,
I just can't

[mumbling]

Cousin, cousin, come on,
listen, listen to me.

Listen to me. Listen.

It's gonna be great.

We're gonna
build a fire

and we're gonna
tell stories

along the camp fire.

And we're gonna have
a wonderful camping‐trip.

I don't wanna have
a wonderful camping‐trip.

‐ You don't?
‐ No.

I want Jennifer
to respect me.

But, cousin,
that ship has sunk.

‐ I can't believe I did this.
‐ Well, I‐‐

I can't believe
I did this.

Cousin, cousin,
listen

J‐Jennifer
won't be mad forever.

‐ She won't?
‐ No.

‐ No?
‐ W‐Would you stop?

Please don't make
that sound.

My ears.

L‐Listen, you know
what it is?

It's just every time
her life get's threatened

she gets
a little cranky.

Yeah, I‐I suppose
you're right.

Well, cousin

as soon as the forest rangers
comes to rescue us

her head will be wearing
a big, happy face.

Forest ranger?

Alright, wait a minute.

Jennifer is not going
to be rescued

by some good‐looking guy.

She's going
to be rescued by me.

Alright, you stay here.

I'm going to go
get help.

Now, cousin,
cousin, no.

It's going to be
dark soon

it's not safe to travel
around the woods alone.

Balki, there's
a full moon.

Cousin, you got lost
in a full sun.

Balki, I'm going to find
help or die trying.

Oh!

Boy, are you having one bad day.

Balki, help, I'm stuck
in quicksand.

Cousin, don't worry,
I'll help you.

[screaming]

It's gonna be kinda hard
to save you from here.

Yes, yes, it will.

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

‐ 'Help!'
‐ 'Help!'

‐ Help!
‐ Help!

Jennifer!
Mary Anne! help!

Where'd they go
to get firewood? Canada?

Help!

Cousin, if I don't get out,
I want you to pick up

I have a, I have a,
I have a roll of film

at the Photorama.

Oh, Balki, Balki.

[groaning]

[exhaling]

Cousin, cousin, just wait.
Wait, wait, wait.

I‐I‐I know how to keep
us from sinking.

‐ How?
‐ Well, I saw this movie once.

‐ Yes.
‐ Did you ever see, uh..

..."Tarzan Fight
For His Life?"

Super flick.

‐ Spit it out! Spit it out!
‐ Okay.

Tarzan, Tarzan says
that, that if you don't struggle

then you won't get caught
in the quicksand.

‐ Alright, then relax. Relax.
‐ Relax.

‐ Relax.
‐ Relax.

[exhaling]

‐ Balki.
‐ Yes.

We're not sinking.

Well, of course, we are not.
Tarzan don't lie.

Now, how are we going
to get out of here?

‐ Well, now, cousin.
‐ Yeah.

Over there, there's
a nice branch you can grab.

‐ Over where?
‐ Over there.

‐ Over there?
‐ Over there!

‐ Oh, over there.
‐ Over there.

‐ Right there.
‐ Oh, yeah. Alright.

‐ Yes, I see it.
‐ Well, then..

...grab it!

Alright. Alright.

Yeah. Yeah.

‐ Relax.
‐ Yeah.

‐ Relax. Relax
‐ I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed.

Yeah. Yes. Yes! Yes!

‐ Yes! Yes!
‐ Yes! Yes!

‐ Relax. Relax!
‐ I'm sinking. I'm sinking!

‐ Relax! Relax.
‐ I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed.

‐ Relax. Relax.
‐ I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed.

Relax.

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ Where you want to go to it ♪

♪ Go do it ♪

♪ Where you want to go ♪

[humming]

Balki.

Perhaps...perhaps
I should try it.

Yes, by all means.

[intense music]

Yes!

Yes!

‐ Yes! Yes!
‐ See that?

‐ Yes! Balki.
‐ Oh.

‐ Balki, you've done it.
‐ Oh. Ah!

‐ You've done it.
‐ Ah ha ha.

‐ Oh.
‐ Ah!

Oh, oh. Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, Balki.

Balki.

[laughing]

Relax. Relax.

[instrumental music]

[crickets chirping]

Who wants more of Balki's
all‐natural trail mix?

Fresh off the trail.

This stuff is delicious.

What do you call these
nut‐like things?

Nuts.

I think he is asleep.

Well, at least we're
safe for a while.

Oh, Jennifer, try not to be
too hard on Cousin Larry.

He was just trying
to show you a good time.

But Balki, every time he tries
to show me a good time

they send out
a search party.

He knows that.

That's the reason he tried
to make this trip

the best trip
you've ever taken.

And he struck out
again, wow!

Listen, I‐I know how we can
make him feel better.

Um, we can use a trick
the experts use.

I‐I saw one time, this episode
of "Fathers Knows Best"

and, uh, David had
a problem with Ricky.

And he went into the‐‐

No, no, Balki, I‐I think
you're talking about

"Ozzie And Harriet."

Ooh! Right, right, right.

So, uh, so, anyway, um..

...so, David got
the Beav to pretend

that he needed some help‐‐

No, no, wa‐wait. No.

No, Balki, the Beav was on
"Leave It To Beaver."

Oh, of course, right,
right, right. Thank you.

Um, wait a minute.
Maybe it was...it was Wally.

Yeah, it was Wally
who needed help. Okay‐‐

Was that, was that Wally
on‐on "Leave It To Beaver"

or Wally
on "Ozzie And Harriet?"

I don't know.

Okay.

So, somebody on television

pretended
that they needed help..

...so that somebody else
on television would come

and help them...and
be the hero

and get their
confidence back.

You mean, that if we trick Larry
into doing something heroic

maybe he'll get
his confidence back?

Yeah, I was thinking maybe
you could pretend

to be bitten by a snake

and then, and then I could
run and hide in the bushes

and you can
wake Cousin Larry up

and then he can suck out
the deadly poison.

‐ Balki, that's great.
‐ You like it?

Yes, you can use my eyeliner
pencil to draw the snake bite.

(Jennifer)
'Where should I put it,
on my hand?'

Uh, uh, well, I think
your arm is better.

‐ 'Oh.'
‐ No, no, her leg.

No, no, her arm is..

Please...I don't
want your pity.

So, what did we decide?

Is it gonna be on your arm
or on your leg?

[crickets chirping]

[growling]

Mary Anne, your stomach
is growling.

Sorry.

[growling]

‐ Mary Anne! Mary Anne!
‐ What? What?

(Mary Anne)
'Oh, my God.'

‐ Balki, Balki.
‐ He's gone.

‐ Larry! Larry!
‐ Oh! Oh, Jennifer, what is it?

‐ Bear! Bear!
‐ A bear? Where?

‐ There. There.
‐ Oh, oh.

[growling]

‐ Where's Balki?
‐ He's not here.

Of course, he isn't.

I see what's going on.

Larry, Larry, please, there
really is a bear over there.

[sighing]
Okay, fine.

‐ Be careful.
‐ Yeah.

[growling]

Yoo‐hoo! Mister bear!

Are you hungry?

Here's my arm.

Larry, what are you doing?

I'm scaring the bear away
so I can get my confidence back.

Boo.

There.

Okay? I got my confidence back.

Alright, Balki,
you can come out now.

What are you doing up?

[growling]

‐ He's gonna get us.
‐ Alright, everybody back!

Back! Back!
Back, furball!

I hate these woods
and everything in it!

Just...get
out of my face!

Leave us alone!

[Larry yelling]

You could have been killed.

He scared it away.

Larry, you saved
our lives.

I did?

I guess I did.

Yeah...I really scared
that bear away.

I really risked my life.

I...I really think
you oughta catch me.

Oh, boy!

Some weekend, huh?

Whoa, you can say
that again.

You believe
that Sunday‐night traffic?

Balki, I was referring
to almost drowning in a river

getting lost in the woods
and being attacked by a bear.

Oh, well, that too.

Yes, by all means that was,
that was quite‐quite something.

How long do you think
it'll be before Jennifer

forgets
that I saved her life

and remembers that I was
the one who risked it.

Oh, about...a week,
ten days tops.

Well, I'm gonna enjoy
it while I can.

You know, on
the bus ride home

Jennifer looked
at me differently.

Her eyes, uh, swelled up
with what I have to think is

a new‐found respect
for me.

Well...they did
swell up, cousin

but I'm pretty sure
it was from the poison ivy

you gathered for her
to sleep on.

Poison ivy?

Can't be.

I used the same leaves
to make my bed.

[instrumental music]