Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 5 - High Society - full transcript

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze
I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Yes, I know, Mr. Endicott
owns the paper

that's‐that's why
I'm calling him.

Yeah, well, well,
I rather not tell you

what floor I work on.

Well, I‐I'm, I‐m afraid,
if I do tell you

you'll hang up on me.



Al‐al‐alright, alright,
uh, I work in the basement.

And I just wanted..
Hello? Hello!

That's amazing.

You was dynamic on the phone
as you are in person.

I can't believe it,
I have this great idea

for an investigative
reporting team

and no one will listen to me.

If‐if I could have five minutes
with Mr. Endicott

I know he would love my idea.

If I can just get
past his secretary.

Now, who am I kidding?

Mr. Endicott
wouldn't listen to me.

His secretary
won't listen to me.

Nobody listens to me.

What do you think
I should do, Harriette?

Harriette.

Oh, sorry, baby,
I wasn't listenin'.

♪ Forget your troubles
come on get happy ♪

♪ You better chase
all your cares away ♪

♪ Sing Hallelujah
come on get happy ♪

♪ Get ready
for the judgment day ♪

♪ Sun is shinin'
come on get happy ♪

♪ The Lord is waitin'
to take your hand ♪

♪ Sing Hallelujah
come on get happy ♪

Balki, Balki, Balki.

If you want me
to get happy, stop singing.

Now, where have you been?

I've been delivering
the invitations

to Mr. Endicott's party.

Oh. Boy, would I love to
go to that party.

Well, cousin,
I'm glad to hear that

because I need the ride.

You got invited to the party?

But you‐you don't even know
the Endicotts.

Oh, cousin,
that's not entirely true.

Last week, while I was
delivering the mail

I meet Mrs. Endicott,
and we had a very nice chat.

Um, I told her I was an heir
to the throne of Mypos and..

[clears throat]

...told a few jokes
and like that

she invited me to the party.

W‐w‐wait a minute!
What did you tell her?

I told her the one
about the rabbi

and the kangaroo, you know..

No, no.
Not, not the joke.

The part about being an heir
to the throne of Mypos

you never told me,
you were an heir to the throne.

‐ I didn't?
‐ No! You didn't.

Well, slap me stupid.

Balki, this‐this is incredible.

Well, what are you,
first in line?

Second? Third?

Nine hundred and eighty‐sixth.

Is everyone on Mypos,
an heir to the throne?

Well, of course, no.
Don't be ridiculous.

Only the men and a few of
the older women with moustaches.

I don't suppose you got around
to telling Mrs. Endicott

that there were 985 heirs
ahead of you.

Cousin, that's common knowledge.

Right.

Right.

So we can go to
the Endicotts for the weekend.

And I'll finally get a chance
to tell Mr. Endicott

my idea for the paper,
and that will kick my career

into a high gear.
Balki. Life is good.

Cousin, I told you
I could make you get happy.

♪ Forget your troubles
come on get happy ♪

♪ You better chase
all your cares away ♪

♪ Sing Hallelujah
come on get happy ♪

♪ Get ready
for the judgment day ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

[door opens]

Balki.

I got a new sport coat,
a new pair of pants.

When I walk in to that party,
people are going to turn

and say..
What's that smell?

Are you cooking pig snout?

You bet your baby babkas.

Cousin, I've got
thirty gallons of pig snout

that I need to take
to the Endicotts' shindig.

Listen, when it's my turn
to pick the party game

I'm going to suggest
barbing for snout.

It happens to be
a great ice‐breaker.

I'm sure it is.

Balki!

[clears throat]
These people
don't barb for pig parts.

The Endicotts are rich

and the rich
are not like you and me.

Oh, come on, cousin,
they're just like everyone else

they put their pantyhose on,
one leg at a time.

One leg at a time,
you think so?

‐ 'I know so.'
‐ You do?

‐ Yes, I do.
‐ Balki, tell me.

How many rich people
do you know?

‐ Ah.
‐ How many?

‐ Ah.
‐ How many?

How many rich people? How many
rich people do you know?

None.

None? As in zero, as in
no rich people do you know?

That is correct.

Well, it just
so happens that I..

...have envied rich people
all my life.

And I am very familiar
with their customs.

When they invite you
into their homes

you have to behave the way
they expect you to behave.

What the Endicotts expect
to see is Prince Balki.

So you have to act
like royalty.

Cousin, I don't know
how do that.

Luckily, I do know
how do that.

I knew you would.

Now. First of all.

Royalty always refer
to themselves

in the first person plural

never in
the first person singular

always in
the first person plural.

So..

...if someone asks you
what you think of the party

you would say..

‐ I think‐‐
‐ Wrong.

‐ You think..
‐ No.

He, she or it thinks?

We think.

‐ We do?
‐ That's right.

‐ What's right?
‐ "We" is right.

I know we is,
but what is we right about?

"We" is the correct word.

‐ We is.
‐ Now you've got it.

‐ I do.
‐ We do.

We do? We do what?
What are we talking about?

I don't know
what we're talking about.

Last thing I know,
I was cooking up some snout!

Balki..

Balki, Balki, Balki,
Shh, shh, shh.

Let me make this
very simple for you.

Just use the word, "we"

instead of the word, "I."

Wait a minute, you mean,
I simply substitute

the plural person of pronoun
for the singular in all cases?

Why you didn't say so?

My mistake.

Okay, let's try it.

You arrive at the party
and someone says to you

"Oh, welcome,
Prince Bartokomous

so good of you to come."
And you would say..

"We are very happy to be here.

"And we would appreciate it

"if one of you good people
would give us a hand

with our tub of snout."

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Wow, cousin.

King Ferdinand's whole palace
would fit in here.

And there would be
plenty of room

left over for his livestock.

(Larry)
'The Endicotts are coming.'

Remember, you are royalty.

Prince Bartokomous.

Your Highness.

Everyone? Attention.

May I present His Highness

Balki Bartokomous,
crowned prince of Mypos.

[applauding]

Thank you.

Your Highness, Mrs. Endicott
and I are honored

by your presence in our home.

Oh, and a lovely,
lovely home it is.

We were just remarking
that it would be

perfect for
the king's livestock.

You are too kind.

Go on with you.

You'll have to
excuse the prince.

Uh, when he meets
someone he likes

he gives them the royal shove.

[laughing]
How delightful!

I hope I don't get
the royal bruise.

You nut! She's crazy.

Your Highness,
would you please excuse us?

I see that some guests
have just arrived.

Oh. Oh, yes,
no problem, Mrs. Endicott.

Oh, no!
Please, please.

Call us...Muffy and Bobo.

‐ Do make yourself at home.
‐ Sure.

‐ Mr. Endicott, I was hoping‐‐
‐ Excuse me.

Cousin..

Look at this.
Everybody brought food.

I knew I should
have brought the pig snout.

Well, it's too late
for that now, uh..

Balki, listen, uh..

I really have to
talk to Mr. Endicott

for a couple of minutes.

Why don't you go
and get something to eat?

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Well, oh, my goodness!
Thank you very much.

Well, for heaven's sake!

Oh, well, uh,
don't mind if I do.

Well, I'm‐I'm‐I'm speechless.

[comical music]

[music continues]

[shattering]

[instrumental music]

Your Highness.

Would you mind terribly
if we joined you?

Why? Are we coming apart?

You! Take a load off.

‐ Oh, prince.
‐ Oh, stop it.

Your Highness,
I'd be honored if you'd drop by

the country club next week.

We could play a little golf.

We love little golf.

We're especially good
at the windmill hole.

[laughing]
Prince! Stop!

Tell me, Your Highness.

What do you think
of American women?

Well, we think they spend
a little too much time

trying to remove
excess facial hair.

A trap we're glad to say
you didn't fall into.

[laughing]

You know it's a pity
the Mypiot humor

doesn't translate into English.

Or any other language.

Your Highness,
I‐I've been wondering.

Why in the world would
a prince be working

in the mail room
of my husband's newspaper?

Well‐‐

Could I field this one
for you, prince?

Oh, well..

Uh, His Highness doesn't want
anyone at The Chronicle

to know he's heir to the throne.

He came to this country
to find a wife

but he wants her to
love him for himself.

(Larry)
'Not for his wealth
and power and place in history.'

That sounds like
that Eddie Mumphry movie

"Coming To America."

Would you, um, excuse us?

And them.

Cousin, are you aware that
you just told a big, fat lie?

I'm‐I'm sorry, Balki.

I guess I'm just so frustrated
at not being able to get to

Mr. Endicott that I‐I forgot

that lying was a bad thing.

If the lying doesn't stop,
I'm outta here!

Okay! It's alright,
I'm better now.

‐ You are?
‐ Yes, I am.

‐ No more lying?
‐ No more lying.

Attention, attention.

We need two more for polo.
Does anyone play?

We do.

[instrumental music]

I didn't know
polo would be so hard.

Cousin, think about it.

Hitting a tiny ball
with a stick..

...while riding
a galloping horse at full speed

is not a skill you can fake.

I thought
the horse would do more.

[sighs]

Alright, cousin.

The time has come for me to tell

Muffy and Bobo the truth.

If you tell the Endicotts
you are not a Prince

they will throw us out
and I will never get a chance

to talk to Mr. Endicott.

Nevertheless.
The truth must be served.

Can't you serve it later?

No. It's getting cold.

You realize I'll have to go now?

Yes. I know.

You know I'll have to stop you.

Yes. I know.

[grunting]

No. No. No.

Not the nose!
Not the nose!

It's the pride of Mypos.

‐ Oh.
‐ Ah.

[grunting]

[shattering]

(both)
Hi.

Uh, Bobo, I‐I..

Mister.
Mr. Endicott.

Bobo.

I‐I‐I'm so glad I ran into you.

I'd like to tell you about
a terrific idea

I had for the paper.

We set up an investigative
reporting unit

you know, along the lines
of Woodward and Bernstein.

I'd be happy
to head up the team.

Statistics show that papers
who have these teams

win more Pulitzers
and increase their circulation

on an average of 4.63 percent.

I think it's just the thing
The Chronicle needs.

A bad idea.

I had an investigative reporting
team on the last paper I owned.

They got me sued
for 38 million dollars.

Hmm?

‐ What was your name again?
‐ McGregor.

Joe McGregor.

[Balki mumbling]

That's better.

Buffy, Momo.

I'm sorry about the mess.

Oh, please.
Don't concern yourself.

It's nothing.
A Persian rug.

A gift from the Aga Khan.

A small price to pay

for the honor of
Your Highness' company.

Well, we gotta talk about that.

Do we really?
Do we really?

I mean, I've said everything
I have to say, and‐and‐‐

Let it go, Joe.

Uh..

I'm not the kind of royalty
you think I am.

I am an heir
to the throne of Mypos but..

...so are all
the other men on Mypos

and a few of the older women
with moustaches.

Oh, dear, look at the time.

Why don't we all
go in to dinner?

[indistinct murmuring]

Well, you see, cousin?

I‐I told the Endicott's
the truth about myself

and‐and they didn't
throw us out.

Uh..

‐ Bobo?
‐ Balki.

‐ Muffy?
‐ Balki.

Muff! It‐it's Balki.

[chuckles]
You‐you‐you
accidentally locked us out.

It was no accident, Balki.
They meant to lock us out.

Cousin..

You mean that‐that the Endicotts

pretended to be my friends
but they were not?

I'm sorry we ever came.

Forget about
the Endicotts, Balki.

If they don't want
you as a friend.

Well, they're the ones
who are missing out.

You‐you have more class
in your little finger

than all of them put together.

[sighs]

Thank you, cousin.

All rich people
are snobs anyway.

Horse apples!

Not all rich people are snobs,
just those jerks.

And what do they know?

They never worked
a day in their lives.

Wow! Imagine what
they'd have if they worked?

I've been watching you
all evening.

You seem like a nice kid.

But 86, the royalty act.

And you, I like the idea
you had for the paper.

Well, I appreciate that, but..

Bobo, the clown hates it.

What does it matter
what we think?

Oh, it doesn't matter
what you think.

It matters what I think.
I'm Bobo Sr.

You're Bobo‐Bobo‐Bobo?

You're Bobo‐Bobo‐Bobo..

Bobo‐Bobo‐Bobo..

Cousin, this really is no time

for your Bing Crosby imitation.

I still own controlling
interest in the paper.

And I think that your idea about
the investigative reporting team

isn't half bad.

You like it?
Did you hear that, Balki?

He likes it!
You mean I can head up the team?

No, that's the half
that was bad.

We need somebody
that's more experienced.

'But don't worry, you'll get
your chance to be on the team.'

I never forget
a name, Joe McGregor.

Uh‐ah, Appleton.

Uh, my name is
actually Larry Appleton.

Joe McGregor is just a nickname.

It's a stupid nickname.

Almost as stupid as Bobo.

Skippy! Now, that's a nickname!

Open up! It's Big Bobo!

Well, there you go, cousin.

All rich people are not snobs.

Big Bobo was very nice to us.

He didn't invite us
in to dinner.

Well, don't you
worry about that.

I've got 30 gallons
of pig snout at home

with your name on it.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]