Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 21 - Teacher's Pest - full transcript

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's going to
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder
The wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's going
to stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Appleton?

Yes sir, Mr. Wainwright?

Every year one of our reporters

teaches a journalism course
at Chicago Community College.

I asked Walpole who he would
recommend and he picked you.

Me?



Well, I'm flattered!

I‐I'm honored!
Th‐this is a big compliment!

I knew you'd make
a big deal out of this.

I didn't mean to.

Uh, it's just that
of all the people

at the Chronicle,
the fact that he picked me‐‐

‐ Appleton.
‐ Am I doing it again?

‐ Yes.
‐ Sorry.

Here are all the details
on the course.

Sir..

...I'll try to make you
proud of me.

I'll be satisfied if you just
don't embarrass the Chronicle.

Harriette, did you hear that?

They want me to teach
a college class.

Hm‐mmm.

Maybe I'll get the class
to publish their own newspaper.

I can divide 'em up
into departments.

Business, Editorial,
Sports, Politics.

Ooh, maybe I could
take them all to Washington!

Stop the presses, baby.

This is junior college,
not Time Magazine.

Harriette, this is my chance
to make a mark

on the future
of American journalism.

I'll be molding
the minds of tomorrow.

First they burn a hole
in the ozone layer..

...now they've got you
molding minds.

World's getting scarier
all the time!

♪ I just want to tell you
how I'm feeling ♪

♪ Gotta make you understand ♪

♪ Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down ♪

♪ Never gonna run around
and desert you ♪

♪ Never gonna make you cry ♪

♪ Never gonna tell a lie ♪

♪ Never gonna say goodbye
and hurt you ♪

Balki?

Balki.

Before you do injury
to some major muscle group..

...let me tell you
the good news!

Guess who's going to be teaching
journalism at your school?

Walter Cronkite?

‐ No.
‐ Ted Koppel?

‐ No.
‐ Willard Scott!

No, no, Balki.

Me!

You?

You're not even on television.

What do you know
about journalism?

Newspaper journalism!

‐ Then you'd be perfect!
‐ Thank you.

Cousin, I can't believe
I know a college teacher.

This makes me a BSOC.

‐ BSOC?
‐ Big Sheepherder On Campus.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

I'd like to welcome you..

...to Journalism 101.

Introduction to News Writing.

Now.

Let me introduce myself.

My name is..

Mr. Appleton

Appeton‐Apple‐Appleton,
Appleton.

I'd, uh, like to give you
a little background on myself.

Cousin! Cousin!
Great news! Great News!

My‐my class was cancelled and so
now I get to take your class!

And now we are so happy,
we do the Dance of Joy!

♪ Da‐da‐da da‐da‐da‐da ♪

Hey, hey! Hey!

‐ Hey!
‐ Uh, um, Balki.

What?

I have a class in session.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
Cousin Larry, I‐‐

Balki, in front of the students

you should call me Mr. Appleton.

Mr. Appleton?

Mr. Appleton.

I'm his cousin.

He‐he lets me call him
Cousin Larry at home.

Now I was going to tell you
about my background.

‐ E‐excuse me?
‐ Yes?

Is this going
to be on the final exam?

No.

Oh.

Well, uh, getting back
to my background..

[clearing throat]

For the past two years, uh..

...I have been
intimately involved

with the day‐to‐day operation

of one of America's
great newspapers..

The Chicago Chronicle.

I can vouch for that. He works
in the basement with me.

For the past few months,
I've been working closely

with the Pulitzer Prize‐winning
investigative reporting team..

...of Marshall and Walpole

And get this, not only do they
sometimes let him write

but they send him out
for lunch every single day.

‐ Balki.
‐ He never gets it wrong!

'I don't know how he does it!'

Except, there was that one time.

The egg salad incident.
They found‐‐

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

[laughing]

I am the teacher,
you are the student.

I talk, you listen.

Just like at home.

Now, your first assignment..

...will be to take, uh,
any ordinary event

that you see or hear about
in the next few days

and write it as a news story.

To help you, I have prepared
this concise, easy‐to‐read

forty‐seven page guide
on how to write a news story.

Excuse me.

Is‐is this going
to be on the final?

‐ Yes.
‐ Oh, fine.

He‐he may seem tough now,
but once you get to know him

you'll find he's totally
without merit.

[instrumental music]

Cousin! Cousin! Is this..

Is this good enough
for my news story?

I just saw a cloud in the sky
that looks like a bull moose!

I don't think so.

How about one that looks like
Cybil Sheepherder?

Balki, I think
you're going to have to come up

with something
a little more substantial.

But what, cousin? What?

I've been looking for days

and I can't
come up with anything.

I'm at the end
of my soap on a rope!

Come on, cousin, just..

Will you...will you
just‐just give me a..

...uh, just a little
tiny itty bitty little hint?

‐ Balki.
‐ What?

It wouldn't be fair
to the other students

in the class
if I gave you special treatment.

But, cousin, I‐I want my paper
to be the best one in the class.

Come on, cousin, just..

...just‐just give me
a little hint.

Just, just‐just..

...just let it out.

Just‐just‐just..

...let it out.

Come on. Just...let it out.

You just thinking, and it comes
down the nerve endings

and it pops out. Pop.

Please, cousin,
just a little hint?

No.

[knocking on door]

(both)
Come in!

‐ 'Oh!'
‐ 'Oh!'

Welcome home, welcome home!

Welcome home!

You won't believe
what happened on our flight.

‐ A fight broke out.
‐ Hm‐mmm.

There was a fight on the plane?

Yes, some of the people
in the no‐smoking section

started smoking. Well, some
of the non‐smokers got upset.

The next thing we knew people
started shoving each other.

And food was flying everywhere!

Well, that is quite a story.

That's some exciting news.

Isn't that exciting news?
Balki?

Have you got a tick?

Balki is looking for a news
story for my journalism class.

And I can't find one anywhere.
I..

[gasping]

I could write about the food
fight on the aeroplane!

Well, there's a thought.

Balki, you've got quite
a nose for news.

Well, it is the pride of Mypos.

[instrumental music]

Cousin, will you grade
my news story?

Oh, Balki, no.

I just got back from class

I really don't feel
like grading papers.

Oh, cousin, please?

‐ Please grade my paper.
‐ No.

‐ Oh, please, please, please.
‐ No, no, no.

‐ Please, please, please!
‐ No, no, no.

‐ Please?
‐ Alright.

[jingling]

[chuckling]

Nice cover.

It can also be used
as a tambourine.

Most of my teachers give me
extra credit for presentation.

[sighing]

[jingling]

Balki..

...why don't you find
something else to do

while I grade your paper?

‐ Oh! I get it.
‐ Hm‐mmm.

You, uh, you don't have to paint
me a photograph.

Well, I'll just, uh..

...I'll just be doing
some light housework..

...over there.

[jingling]

[no audio]

I thought you were
dusting over there.

I am dusting over there.

[jingling]

Okay, I'm done.

Oh, cousin, I'm so..

...I'm so excited!

[panting]

How did I do?

Well, Balki, remember,
this is your first attempt.

Oh, I‐I‐I want an A‐plus.

But‐but, uh, I know
that this is my first..

...first attempt at a news story

and‐and there's probably room
for improvement, so..

...so I‐I‐I guess
I better be prepared

to live with an A.

[jingling]

[chuckling]

[jingling]

An F?

I'm sorry, Balki, but there were
some fundamental mistakes.

Now, I know
you're a little disappointed.

But...look at this
as a growth experience.

I'm gonna get taller from this?

No.

No, I mean..

...one can often learn more
from failure than from success.

Can I learn
a little less and get a C?

No.

No.

Balki, I know I set
my grading standards high.

But I expect a lot
from my students.

Now, if you work really hard..

...someday you'll get a paper
back from me with an A on it

and it will
really mean something.

Well, that's
something to shoot for.

That's the spirit.

Goodnight, buddy.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(Larry)
'Keep that in mind
when you are writing.'

Remember, when you
organize those long

complicated sentences, try..

...a semi‐colon.

It may be just what you need..

...to save your story.

Now, before we run out of time..

...Balki, could you
give me a hand

handing back
the news story assignments?

Balki?

But, cousin..

...as an F student
I'm not qualified

to pass out papers.

Balki, you are not an F student.

‐ I'm not?
‐ You're a good student..

...who did F work.

You gonna pass out the papers

or are we gonna grow
old together?

Now, I did see a lot
of potential in these papers

but there's also
a lot of room for improvement.

Hey, wait a minute.
This looks like an F.

It is an F.

But maybe with some hard work

your next assignment can be a D.

Hey, I got an F too.

‐ Oh, man!
‐ Dipstick.

[all grumbling]

Now, now. Hey, remember‐‐

Jerk.

One can often learn more
from failure than from success.

Who is this guy?
Mr. Rogers?

I have never
gotten an F in my life!

You failed all of us?

And this from a guy
who works in a basement!

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I know this first assignment
was tough

but this is all aimed
at making you good journalists.

Who wants to be a journalist?
I wanna be a linebacker!

[bell ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

I wonder what got into them?

You failed the entire class?

Well, Balki, I told you
I set my standards high.

Your‐your standards are so high

I can't even see them from here!

Now, Balki, my standards
are not that high!

I‐if I want to bring out
the best in my students

they're‐they're just gonna
have to learn

from their mistakes.
Like you did.

What are you talking about?

Well, I read
your second attempt at a story

and believe me,
you improved!

What? I...what second
attempt at a story?

Look, I know
you were embarrassed

to show it to me after the F

but I saw your story on the
kitchen table this morning

so I thought
I'd help you out and grade it.

Oh, cousin, this isn't my story.

This is, uh,
Mr. Wainwright's story

that he wrote in college.

‐ Mr. Wainwright wrote this?
‐ Yeah.

He‐he gave it to me
so that I could learn

by looking at a really
good news story.

It‐it must be good.

He got an A on it
from the prestigious

Columbia University
School of Journalism.

He got an A on it?

Yeah.

What grade did you give him?

Doesn't make any difference.

It's not your paper.

But..

...Mr. Wainwright give it to me.

And you left it
on the kitchen table.

But...but that don't mean
that you can take it.

Finders keepers.

Ah! Oh! Oh!

[grunting]

[gasping]

You gave
Mr. Wainwright a C‐minus?

I had my reasons.

There was no name,
several comma problems..

and I thought it went on a bit.

Columbia School of Journalism?

His instructor
was Edward R. Murrow.

Oh, my Lord!

[chuckling]
Cousin..

...I‐I‐I've got to go
to another class.

Po po po!

Po.

Edward R. Murrow?

Oh!

I want to discuss my grade.

And your face.

I'll be with you
in just a moment.

[instrumental music]

Hi, cousin.

Where have you been?

[sighing]

I've been..

...sitting in my classroom

waiting for security
to walk me out of the building.

You know,
during those four hours..

...I did some thinking.

And, uh, I‐I think I went a..

...little over the edge
with this class.

You know, cousin, on Mypos
when we teach sheep to jump

over a fence, we don't just take
them to the Great Wall of Mypos

on the very first day
and say, "jump, mutton head!"

No, we‐we‐we start little.

First, you teach the sheep
to jump over your foot.

Which can be very encouraging
for the sheep.

A‐although, at times..

...painful for the teacher.

But‐but, uh, what you do,
you, little by little

you make the goals
higher and higher

and before you know it
those sheep are playing

Leap Sheep all over the meadow.

You're right, Balki,
it was an introductory class.

I‐I was too hard on them.

Well, you still
have time to change.

One of the things I did
while I was hiding

under my desk..

...was to grade
those papers over again.

Did...did you‐did you
grade mine?

Yes, I did.

This time I graded
purely on content.

‐ You got an A.
‐ I got an A!

Balki, you got an A‐minus.

An A‐minus?

Hey, gimme a break.

The best I could do
for Mr. Wainwright was a B.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]