Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 13 - Games People Play - full transcript
The paper sends Larry to go on a game show called "Risk it all" and write about being a contestant. He is told that he needs a partner so he asks Balki to come with him who is a big fan of ...
[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just ♪
♪ Get a feeling like you need ♪
♪ Some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long‐lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street ♪
♪ A light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's
gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Appleton.
'Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.'
Marshall and Walpole
have recommended
you for an assignment.
They did?
Well, uh, yes, sir!
I'm your man. What is it?
Political scandal?
Corruption? Drug dealing?
No, they want you to go on
a game show called
"Risk it All".
Interesting.
Uh, well, what is it, Payola?
Show's fixed?
What's the angle?
The angle is Marshall
and Walpole don't want to do it.
It's a piece
for the Sunday supplement.
Well, yes, sir,
I‐I'll stay late tonight
and research the history
of game shows
you know, I think
they started on radio.
Appleton, you go on the show
you write 2,000 words about what
it's like to be a contestant.
It's a game show,
it's not Watergate.
Now, you better get going, you
gotta be there in 30 minutes.
Well, that's awfully
short notice, sir.
This is journalism, Appleton.
We do things on short notice.
Uh, you need a partner so grab
somebody and get going.
Y‐Yes, sir.
‐ Hi, cousin.
‐ Balki. Balki.
Look, I‐I need
you to be my partner
on some stupid
show called "Risk it All."
That's my favorite game show!
I'm going to call
all our friends
and tell them
to meet us there.
No, I'd‐I'd rather you didn't.
Cousin, we're going
to meet Bink Warmington
and his lovely
co‐hostess Kelly Langston.
‐ Tell me about it in the car.
‐ I read her book.
Kelly talks to teens
about hygiene.
There's a great chapter
on skin care.
"How to be a hit,
in spite of your zit."
Come on, time is running out.
Oh, she's gonna reload.
Let's see if she can knock
it off before times run out!
Five!
(in unison)
Four, three.
(in unison)
Two, one.
No, they didn't
make it in time.
Oh, you did so well
but you lose everything.
(in unison)
Aw!
Well, thanks, for joining us.
So long, ladies
from "Risk it All."
Come on.
‐ Try harder.
‐ It's your fault, always..
Balki, you didn't tell
me about the stunts.
Cousin, everybody knows
about the stunts.
Why you think
they put us in jumpsuits?
As a fashion statement?
This is awful.
I'm gonna humiliate myself
in front of the entire city
of Chicago!
Kelly, let's introduce
our next two contestants.
Bink, they're two cousins
from right here in Chicago.
Larry Appleton
and Balki Bartokomous.
Let's welcome them to..
(all)
"Risk it All."
[crowd cheering]
Oh, cousin,
it's the Wheel of Schmutz!
It is the Wheel of Schmutz!
Oh, cousin, sit on it!
Oh, Dueling Buckets!
Dueling Buckets,
I want to live here!
Kelly!
Kelly, it's you.
Oh, you're my favorite
game show hostess.
'I'm so happy to see you.'
And listen, I don't believe
that story about you posing
for those photographs before
you became a big star.
Well, looks like we've got
a live one, huh, Kelly?
Bink!
Bink, let me look at you.
Let me look at you.
Let me ask you,
are those your real teeth?
I can tell you've never
been on television before
have you, Balki?
Tell you what, you..
Hello.
Hi.
Hi, everybody.
Mary Anne.
Come here, come here.
Come here.
Why don't you do
me a favor here, Balki?
You just stand right here
and let me
start the game, okay?
Balki, you're embarrassing me.
Alright, it's time to play..
(in unison)
"Risk it All!"
Now, here's how we play
our money round.
Kelly, will describe
a stunt to you
and then I'll ask
you a question.
You can either do the stunt
or answer the question.
‐ You got it?
‐ Got it.
‐ Okay.
‐ Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Uh, Bink, did you say we could
either perform the stunts
or answer the question?
‐ That's right.
‐ Well, yeah.
But Cousin, nobody answers
the question.
I mean, that you can't have
fun that way, can you, Bink?
Well, you could have fun
if you try this stunt.
It's the Wheel of Schmutz.
Kelly?
Oh, I love
the Wheel of Schmutz.
Cousin, this one
these buckets come around
with this disgusting stuff
and you reach inside
'to pick out the necklace‐‐'
Balki, Balki, it's Kelly's job
to describe the stunts, okay?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're right.
‐ 'Alright, alright.'
‐ I‐I stand corrected.
Okay.
Kelly?
I think I understand the stunt.
You do something
and you get messy.
Now, uh, what's the question?
The question is..
"...Which famous artist
cut off his ear?"
Cousin.
‐ What are you doing?
‐ I'm gonna answer the question.
No, no, cou‐uh, just‐uh..
Bink, just, just let me
have just one moment.
I think, Cousin Larry's
missing all the fun here.
Guys, it's only
a 30 minute show.
Could we move
it along, please?
Bink, uh, just,
just one minute.
Balki, the only reason I'm here
is because the paper sent me.
Now we're just gonna
answer the questions
get some cash and go home.
No stunts!
That way I get my story and
avoid humiliation.
I'm going to press
that stunt button
before you ever
think of getting
near that question button.
‐ Oh, really?
‐ Oh, really.
‐ You think so?
‐ Yes, I do.
[dings]
Bink, the artist
who cut off his ear
is Vincent Van Gogh.
That's right!
You've just won $25.
[audience cheering]
Now, get ready, guys,
because our next stunt is..
...Sit On It! Kelly!
Balki and Larry,
all you have to do
is break four little balloons
by sitting on them.
But surprise!
The balloons are filled with..
...whipped cream!
I knew it, I knew it.
They're always filled
with something!
Cousin, I'm gonna do this one.
I wanna do this stunt.
You may not want
to do the stunt
you may want to answer
this question.
"In the Peanuts cartoon
'who is always calling
Charlie Brown 'blockhead'?"'
Lucy Van Pelt!
That's absolutely right!
You've won $50!
[audience cheering]
Cousin..
...I've tried
reasoning with you.
It failed.
I want to do the stunts!
So from here on out,
it's war!
I'm throwing down the cutlet!
[instrumental music]
For $500, what will it be?
The stunt?
Or the question?
[grunting]
Bink, the first man to sail
around the world
was Ferdinand Magellan.
That's absolutely right.
(Bink)
'You've just won $500.'
Well, Larry and Balki
you're the first two contestants
ever to make
it to the final question
here in the money round
without doing a single stunt.
Well, we're going
to do the next stunt.
Yeah? Well, this is one
stunt that you may like.
Let's take a look.
It's Flying Chickens!
Kelly.
One of you will place
the chicken in the catapult
and send it flying across
the stage
where the other one
catches it..
...in a bucket
of barbecue sauce.
I love Flying Chickens.
And I'm going to do..
...Flying Chickens.
The button doesn't count
until Bink reads the question.
[grunting]
Now, for $1,000.
"Who was known as
the King of Swing?"
‐ Oh look! Kelly fainted!
‐ Kelly!
‐ Aah!
‐ He chose the question!
[sobbing]
Buck up, buddy.
Bink, the King of Swing..
...is Benny Goodman.
That's absolutely right!
For $1,000!
And we'll be right back
to find out
if our two contestants
want to keep their money
and go home or if they
want to risk it all
in the prize round.
And we're out.
I wanna see
whoever booked these two people
on my show
in my dressing room, now!
Balki, did you hear that?
Yes, I think Bink
wants us back!
No, no. No, the part where
Bink said that we could quit.
‐ Quit?
‐ Sure.
I've got everything
I need for my story.
Let's just take the money
and get out of here.
Cousin, quit?
We haven't done anything
but answer questions.
We may as well be
on "Jeopardy!"
We don't have any schmutz
on our jumpsuits!
Cousin, I want to do stunts
and win big prizes.
Ah, there it is.
‐ There what is?
‐ Big prizes.
That's how
they suck you in.
Balki, they depend upon the most
basic of all human failings.
Bad posture?
Greed. Greed.
They show you something
every poor
gullible slob wants
like a like a big screen TV..
A big screen TV!
Cousin, let's risk it all!
‐ Please, please, please!
‐ Balki!
‐ It's happening already.
‐ What's happening?
It's the greed monster.
‐ Where?
‐ Inside you.
Inside me?
‐ Like "Alien?"
‐ Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes, yes.
It starts deep inside you.
And then‐and then
Bink feeds it by
by letting you
win enough
until‐til the greed
takes over
‐ No. No.
‐ And‐and you lose control.
And then Kelly feeds it
even more by showing you
bigger and bigger prizes.
And the greed grows
and grows more and more
until finally..
[screaming]
It's alright,
it's alright.
[panting]
Cousin, why would
Bink and Kelly
do something
like that to me?
Well, they can't
help themselves.
They're part of the system.
But‐but cousin, how could
the greed monster get me?
‐ I'm not a greedy person.
‐ Oh, no.
‐ No?
‐ No.
‐ No. No.
‐ No!
[screaming]
It's alright. It's alright.
It's alright.
Balki, it's not too late.
I'll save you.
Thank you, cousin.
Hey, I know
you'd do the same for me.
Now, when Bink
comes back out here
he's going to tempt you
with some fantastic prizes.
But you have be strong.
You have to resist.
Remember, just say no.
Got it.
I'll be strong, cousin.
Bink, we're back.
Well, we're back.
Well, the big question is now,
will Larry and Balki
keep their $1,000,
or are they going to..
(all)
"Risk It All?"
Now, follow me, fellas,
and I'll show you
what you could
be playing for.
Remember, be strong.
Just say no.
Just say no.
It's a brand new sports car.
‐ 'Kelly, tell 'em about it.'
‐ My pleasure, Bink.
It comes equipped
with all the luxuries
including air conditioning,
CD player
and cellular car phone.
Yes, Balki and Larry,
you could drive
this dream car home
if you're willing to
risk it all.
Well, guys,
what's it gonna be?
Are you gonna risk it all
for that beautiful new car?
What do you think,
audience?
What should they do?
(all)
Risk it all.
We're going to
be strong and just‐‐
Risk it all!
[screaming]
Kelly, they're
going for the car!
[cheering]
Talk about style.
Yeah, that's some car.
Well, the car's nice,
but I was talking about Bink.
Isn't this great?
Yeah, but do you think
they could get a different car?
I don't
look good in red.
Now, are you guys ready
to risk it all
for that beautiful new car?
Give me the question
and give me the car!
But, cousin, we could lose
all of our money.
Alright, now, you may not wanna
answer the question this time.
You may wanna try
this very..
...easy stunt.
Kelly.
It's a little thing
we call Dueling Buckets.
Now, one of you take a beanbag
and throw it at the‐‐
The question!
The question!
Alright.
Alright.
Here's your question.
"Whose picture was
on the $10,000 bill?"
Salmon P. Chase.
That's absolutely right.
[cheering]
(Bink)
'They've won the car.'
Oh, boy.
Oh, gosh.
I'm so relieved.
Thank you, Bink.
Come on, cousin, let's take
the car and get outta here.
Wait. Don't go yet.
[siren buzzing]
It's time for
the bonus round.
It's the bonus round!
Cousin, cousin...no, uh..
Cousin, be‐be careful.
We could lose everything.
What's the bonus prize?
'The bonus prize?'
It's a cruise
around the world.
(Bink)
'Oh, God.'
That's right.
You'll be cruising
in style
because, we're
going to throw in
Twenty five thousand dollars
in cash.
Now, what should
they do, audience?
(all)
Risk it all!
We'll risk it all.
‐ No, we won't!
‐ Yes, we will!
‐ No, we won't!
‐ Yes, we will!
No, we won't!
We'll risk it all.
They're gonna
risk it all.
[applauding]
Bink..
...I know you can't
help yourself
but you're really starting
to flea and tick me off.
Now, in order for you
to keep the car
and win the trip
and the cash
you're gonna have to either
answer the question
or do all the stunts
you didn't do on your way
to the bonus round
Plus, one more.
‐ Kelly.
‐ That's right, Bink.
It's Bobbing For Bananas.
Now, for your trip
around the world
here is your question.
"What land did the Roman Emperor
Claudius Annex in 43 A. D.?"
Oh, my Lord.
Now, do you wanna answer
the question or do the stunt?
Balki, I don't
know the answer.
We're gonna have to
do the stunt.
They're gonna
do the stunt.
[crowd applauding]
Cousin,
why did you do that?
The answer is
Great Britain.
Great Britain!
The answer is Great Britain!
Good answer!
And a right answer.
‐ Yes! Yes!
‐ But a late answer.
You chose the stunt.
What do you mean,
a late answer?
I want that trip.
Gentlemen,
you'll have three minutes.
Remember, if you don't
complete all the stunts
before the buzzer sounds
you'll lose the car, the trip
the cash, everything.
But, to make sure
that you go from one stunt
to the next in style
you'll be riding
the "Risk It all" commode cab.
(Bink)
'Kelly.'
That's right, Bink.
It's an American Imperial
Whisper Flush
with a patent
cushion seat
compliments of Cunningham
hardware
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Ready?
Set!
Go.
Alright, the first stunt
is the Sit On It
where they have to
sit on the balloons
filled with whipped cream.
They have to break
them all.
'There's three.
There's four. Alright.'
You can get back
onto the commode.
Balki! Balki!
Come on.
Back onto
the commode cab.
The next stunt
is going to be
Dueling The Buckets.
Dueling Buckets.
We're here.
'Okay, all you have to do'
'is throw the beanbags'
into the targets
and knock those buckets
down on Balki's head.
And good luck.
Shot, oh. He missed
with the first one.
[crowd applauding]
It's a nice job.
Alright, now,
back to the commode.
Get away on it.
On the commode cab.
And‐and the next stunt
will be
'the Wheel Of Schmutz.'
Get over there
to the Wheel Of Schmutz.
Now, on the Wheel Of Schmutz
you have to reach
into the buckets of schmutz
and grab four necklaces
and put them
around your neck.
'Grab the necklaces.
Onto the neck they go.'
'I see three.'
We need one more.
There you go.
You got four.
Back on to the commode cab.
Come on, fellas.
'You don't wanna
waste time here.'
'Get on the commode cab.'
'The next stunt
will be'
'Flying Chickens.'
Flying Chickens.
You know how that works, guys.
You have to catapult
one chicken up in air
and catch it
in the bucket of barbecue sauce.
Here comes one.
They seems got it.
'That's one.
You have to get one each.'
One each.
'You gotta throw that thing.
Here it comes.'
Oh, this looks good.
(all)
Oh.
Make it land into the bucket
of barbecue sauce.
‐ This is good.
‐ Oh!
‐ Yes, we've won.
‐ No, put that down.
I don't want your
bucket of barbecue sauce.
Onto the commode cab.
'Time's running out.'
'One stunt remaining.'
'One stunt remaining.'
And that is the bonus stunt.
‐ Bobbing For Bananas.
‐ Kelly.
That's right.
You've got to pull out
four bananas
without using
your hands.
'Four bananas.'
Hurry up.
Time's running out.
'Time is running out.'
There's one.
There's one banana.
Is there one down there?
Oh. There is two.
Oh.
There's three.
Five.
'Four.'
Three.
Two.
'One.'
[buzzing]
(Bink)
'Too bad.'
You're all
out of time.
You lose everything.
Cousin.
Cousin.
[panting]
Uh, time's up.
[gasps]
I can't lose.
I want that trip.
Cousin. Cousin.
Cousin!
It's‐it's over.
It's over.
We lost everything.
(Bink)
'How about it?
Weren't they great?'
[applauding]
Hey, Balki
So, we didn't win the big prize,
the important thing is
I got everything
I need for my article.
Hey, I'm a reporter.
I had a job to do
and I did it.
I should be
proud of myself.
I should feel good.
But, you feel like schmutz.
[sobbing]
Cousin..
I coulda had
a trip around the world
I coulda had a sports car.
I'd look good
in a sports car.
Yeah, I know,
cousin, it's okay.
It's‐it's alright.
It'll pass.
This, too, will pass.
But, I wanted to win.
Now, look.
We didn't lose everything.
We got to go on television.
We got to stuck our heads
in chocolate fudge.
You got to ride
around on a toilet.
And you see that
as a good thing?
It is a good thing.
It's good to let your hair
fall out once in a while.
Well, it was kinda fun
when those
chickens were flyin'.
Bobbing For Bananas
was a blast.
You know, Balki
if I had just had
five more seconds
I think I could have
gotten that last banana.
There is one way
to find out.
I'll get the bananas. You fill
the sink with chocolate fudge.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just ♪
♪ Get a feeling like you need ♪
♪ Some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long‐lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street ♪
♪ A light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Through the rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I'm bound for better days ♪
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
♪ And nothing's
gonna stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Appleton.
'Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.'
Marshall and Walpole
have recommended
you for an assignment.
They did?
Well, uh, yes, sir!
I'm your man. What is it?
Political scandal?
Corruption? Drug dealing?
No, they want you to go on
a game show called
"Risk it All".
Interesting.
Uh, well, what is it, Payola?
Show's fixed?
What's the angle?
The angle is Marshall
and Walpole don't want to do it.
It's a piece
for the Sunday supplement.
Well, yes, sir,
I‐I'll stay late tonight
and research the history
of game shows
you know, I think
they started on radio.
Appleton, you go on the show
you write 2,000 words about what
it's like to be a contestant.
It's a game show,
it's not Watergate.
Now, you better get going, you
gotta be there in 30 minutes.
Well, that's awfully
short notice, sir.
This is journalism, Appleton.
We do things on short notice.
Uh, you need a partner so grab
somebody and get going.
Y‐Yes, sir.
‐ Hi, cousin.
‐ Balki. Balki.
Look, I‐I need
you to be my partner
on some stupid
show called "Risk it All."
That's my favorite game show!
I'm going to call
all our friends
and tell them
to meet us there.
No, I'd‐I'd rather you didn't.
Cousin, we're going
to meet Bink Warmington
and his lovely
co‐hostess Kelly Langston.
‐ Tell me about it in the car.
‐ I read her book.
Kelly talks to teens
about hygiene.
There's a great chapter
on skin care.
"How to be a hit,
in spite of your zit."
Come on, time is running out.
Oh, she's gonna reload.
Let's see if she can knock
it off before times run out!
Five!
(in unison)
Four, three.
(in unison)
Two, one.
No, they didn't
make it in time.
Oh, you did so well
but you lose everything.
(in unison)
Aw!
Well, thanks, for joining us.
So long, ladies
from "Risk it All."
Come on.
‐ Try harder.
‐ It's your fault, always..
Balki, you didn't tell
me about the stunts.
Cousin, everybody knows
about the stunts.
Why you think
they put us in jumpsuits?
As a fashion statement?
This is awful.
I'm gonna humiliate myself
in front of the entire city
of Chicago!
Kelly, let's introduce
our next two contestants.
Bink, they're two cousins
from right here in Chicago.
Larry Appleton
and Balki Bartokomous.
Let's welcome them to..
(all)
"Risk it All."
[crowd cheering]
Oh, cousin,
it's the Wheel of Schmutz!
It is the Wheel of Schmutz!
Oh, cousin, sit on it!
Oh, Dueling Buckets!
Dueling Buckets,
I want to live here!
Kelly!
Kelly, it's you.
Oh, you're my favorite
game show hostess.
'I'm so happy to see you.'
And listen, I don't believe
that story about you posing
for those photographs before
you became a big star.
Well, looks like we've got
a live one, huh, Kelly?
Bink!
Bink, let me look at you.
Let me look at you.
Let me ask you,
are those your real teeth?
I can tell you've never
been on television before
have you, Balki?
Tell you what, you..
Hello.
Hi.
Hi, everybody.
Mary Anne.
Come here, come here.
Come here.
Why don't you do
me a favor here, Balki?
You just stand right here
and let me
start the game, okay?
Balki, you're embarrassing me.
Alright, it's time to play..
(in unison)
"Risk it All!"
Now, here's how we play
our money round.
Kelly, will describe
a stunt to you
and then I'll ask
you a question.
You can either do the stunt
or answer the question.
‐ You got it?
‐ Got it.
‐ Okay.
‐ Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Uh, Bink, did you say we could
either perform the stunts
or answer the question?
‐ That's right.
‐ Well, yeah.
But Cousin, nobody answers
the question.
I mean, that you can't have
fun that way, can you, Bink?
Well, you could have fun
if you try this stunt.
It's the Wheel of Schmutz.
Kelly?
Oh, I love
the Wheel of Schmutz.
Cousin, this one
these buckets come around
with this disgusting stuff
and you reach inside
'to pick out the necklace‐‐'
Balki, Balki, it's Kelly's job
to describe the stunts, okay?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're right.
‐ 'Alright, alright.'
‐ I‐I stand corrected.
Okay.
Kelly?
I think I understand the stunt.
You do something
and you get messy.
Now, uh, what's the question?
The question is..
"...Which famous artist
cut off his ear?"
Cousin.
‐ What are you doing?
‐ I'm gonna answer the question.
No, no, cou‐uh, just‐uh..
Bink, just, just let me
have just one moment.
I think, Cousin Larry's
missing all the fun here.
Guys, it's only
a 30 minute show.
Could we move
it along, please?
Bink, uh, just,
just one minute.
Balki, the only reason I'm here
is because the paper sent me.
Now we're just gonna
answer the questions
get some cash and go home.
No stunts!
That way I get my story and
avoid humiliation.
I'm going to press
that stunt button
before you ever
think of getting
near that question button.
‐ Oh, really?
‐ Oh, really.
‐ You think so?
‐ Yes, I do.
[dings]
Bink, the artist
who cut off his ear
is Vincent Van Gogh.
That's right!
You've just won $25.
[audience cheering]
Now, get ready, guys,
because our next stunt is..
...Sit On It! Kelly!
Balki and Larry,
all you have to do
is break four little balloons
by sitting on them.
But surprise!
The balloons are filled with..
...whipped cream!
I knew it, I knew it.
They're always filled
with something!
Cousin, I'm gonna do this one.
I wanna do this stunt.
You may not want
to do the stunt
you may want to answer
this question.
"In the Peanuts cartoon
'who is always calling
Charlie Brown 'blockhead'?"'
Lucy Van Pelt!
That's absolutely right!
You've won $50!
[audience cheering]
Cousin..
...I've tried
reasoning with you.
It failed.
I want to do the stunts!
So from here on out,
it's war!
I'm throwing down the cutlet!
[instrumental music]
For $500, what will it be?
The stunt?
Or the question?
[grunting]
Bink, the first man to sail
around the world
was Ferdinand Magellan.
That's absolutely right.
(Bink)
'You've just won $500.'
Well, Larry and Balki
you're the first two contestants
ever to make
it to the final question
here in the money round
without doing a single stunt.
Well, we're going
to do the next stunt.
Yeah? Well, this is one
stunt that you may like.
Let's take a look.
It's Flying Chickens!
Kelly.
One of you will place
the chicken in the catapult
and send it flying across
the stage
where the other one
catches it..
...in a bucket
of barbecue sauce.
I love Flying Chickens.
And I'm going to do..
...Flying Chickens.
The button doesn't count
until Bink reads the question.
[grunting]
Now, for $1,000.
"Who was known as
the King of Swing?"
‐ Oh look! Kelly fainted!
‐ Kelly!
‐ Aah!
‐ He chose the question!
[sobbing]
Buck up, buddy.
Bink, the King of Swing..
...is Benny Goodman.
That's absolutely right!
For $1,000!
And we'll be right back
to find out
if our two contestants
want to keep their money
and go home or if they
want to risk it all
in the prize round.
And we're out.
I wanna see
whoever booked these two people
on my show
in my dressing room, now!
Balki, did you hear that?
Yes, I think Bink
wants us back!
No, no. No, the part where
Bink said that we could quit.
‐ Quit?
‐ Sure.
I've got everything
I need for my story.
Let's just take the money
and get out of here.
Cousin, quit?
We haven't done anything
but answer questions.
We may as well be
on "Jeopardy!"
We don't have any schmutz
on our jumpsuits!
Cousin, I want to do stunts
and win big prizes.
Ah, there it is.
‐ There what is?
‐ Big prizes.
That's how
they suck you in.
Balki, they depend upon the most
basic of all human failings.
Bad posture?
Greed. Greed.
They show you something
every poor
gullible slob wants
like a like a big screen TV..
A big screen TV!
Cousin, let's risk it all!
‐ Please, please, please!
‐ Balki!
‐ It's happening already.
‐ What's happening?
It's the greed monster.
‐ Where?
‐ Inside you.
Inside me?
‐ Like "Alien?"
‐ Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes, yes.
It starts deep inside you.
And then‐and then
Bink feeds it by
by letting you
win enough
until‐til the greed
takes over
‐ No. No.
‐ And‐and you lose control.
And then Kelly feeds it
even more by showing you
bigger and bigger prizes.
And the greed grows
and grows more and more
until finally..
[screaming]
It's alright,
it's alright.
[panting]
Cousin, why would
Bink and Kelly
do something
like that to me?
Well, they can't
help themselves.
They're part of the system.
But‐but cousin, how could
the greed monster get me?
‐ I'm not a greedy person.
‐ Oh, no.
‐ No?
‐ No.
‐ No. No.
‐ No!
[screaming]
It's alright. It's alright.
It's alright.
Balki, it's not too late.
I'll save you.
Thank you, cousin.
Hey, I know
you'd do the same for me.
Now, when Bink
comes back out here
he's going to tempt you
with some fantastic prizes.
But you have be strong.
You have to resist.
Remember, just say no.
Got it.
I'll be strong, cousin.
Bink, we're back.
Well, we're back.
Well, the big question is now,
will Larry and Balki
keep their $1,000,
or are they going to..
(all)
"Risk It All?"
Now, follow me, fellas,
and I'll show you
what you could
be playing for.
Remember, be strong.
Just say no.
Just say no.
It's a brand new sports car.
‐ 'Kelly, tell 'em about it.'
‐ My pleasure, Bink.
It comes equipped
with all the luxuries
including air conditioning,
CD player
and cellular car phone.
Yes, Balki and Larry,
you could drive
this dream car home
if you're willing to
risk it all.
Well, guys,
what's it gonna be?
Are you gonna risk it all
for that beautiful new car?
What do you think,
audience?
What should they do?
(all)
Risk it all.
We're going to
be strong and just‐‐
Risk it all!
[screaming]
Kelly, they're
going for the car!
[cheering]
Talk about style.
Yeah, that's some car.
Well, the car's nice,
but I was talking about Bink.
Isn't this great?
Yeah, but do you think
they could get a different car?
I don't
look good in red.
Now, are you guys ready
to risk it all
for that beautiful new car?
Give me the question
and give me the car!
But, cousin, we could lose
all of our money.
Alright, now, you may not wanna
answer the question this time.
You may wanna try
this very..
...easy stunt.
Kelly.
It's a little thing
we call Dueling Buckets.
Now, one of you take a beanbag
and throw it at the‐‐
The question!
The question!
Alright.
Alright.
Here's your question.
"Whose picture was
on the $10,000 bill?"
Salmon P. Chase.
That's absolutely right.
[cheering]
(Bink)
'They've won the car.'
Oh, boy.
Oh, gosh.
I'm so relieved.
Thank you, Bink.
Come on, cousin, let's take
the car and get outta here.
Wait. Don't go yet.
[siren buzzing]
It's time for
the bonus round.
It's the bonus round!
Cousin, cousin...no, uh..
Cousin, be‐be careful.
We could lose everything.
What's the bonus prize?
'The bonus prize?'
It's a cruise
around the world.
(Bink)
'Oh, God.'
That's right.
You'll be cruising
in style
because, we're
going to throw in
Twenty five thousand dollars
in cash.
Now, what should
they do, audience?
(all)
Risk it all!
We'll risk it all.
‐ No, we won't!
‐ Yes, we will!
‐ No, we won't!
‐ Yes, we will!
No, we won't!
We'll risk it all.
They're gonna
risk it all.
[applauding]
Bink..
...I know you can't
help yourself
but you're really starting
to flea and tick me off.
Now, in order for you
to keep the car
and win the trip
and the cash
you're gonna have to either
answer the question
or do all the stunts
you didn't do on your way
to the bonus round
Plus, one more.
‐ Kelly.
‐ That's right, Bink.
It's Bobbing For Bananas.
Now, for your trip
around the world
here is your question.
"What land did the Roman Emperor
Claudius Annex in 43 A. D.?"
Oh, my Lord.
Now, do you wanna answer
the question or do the stunt?
Balki, I don't
know the answer.
We're gonna have to
do the stunt.
They're gonna
do the stunt.
[crowd applauding]
Cousin,
why did you do that?
The answer is
Great Britain.
Great Britain!
The answer is Great Britain!
Good answer!
And a right answer.
‐ Yes! Yes!
‐ But a late answer.
You chose the stunt.
What do you mean,
a late answer?
I want that trip.
Gentlemen,
you'll have three minutes.
Remember, if you don't
complete all the stunts
before the buzzer sounds
you'll lose the car, the trip
the cash, everything.
But, to make sure
that you go from one stunt
to the next in style
you'll be riding
the "Risk It all" commode cab.
(Bink)
'Kelly.'
That's right, Bink.
It's an American Imperial
Whisper Flush
with a patent
cushion seat
compliments of Cunningham
hardware
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Ready?
Set!
Go.
Alright, the first stunt
is the Sit On It
where they have to
sit on the balloons
filled with whipped cream.
They have to break
them all.
'There's three.
There's four. Alright.'
You can get back
onto the commode.
Balki! Balki!
Come on.
Back onto
the commode cab.
The next stunt
is going to be
Dueling The Buckets.
Dueling Buckets.
We're here.
'Okay, all you have to do'
'is throw the beanbags'
into the targets
and knock those buckets
down on Balki's head.
And good luck.
Shot, oh. He missed
with the first one.
[crowd applauding]
It's a nice job.
Alright, now,
back to the commode.
Get away on it.
On the commode cab.
And‐and the next stunt
will be
'the Wheel Of Schmutz.'
Get over there
to the Wheel Of Schmutz.
Now, on the Wheel Of Schmutz
you have to reach
into the buckets of schmutz
and grab four necklaces
and put them
around your neck.
'Grab the necklaces.
Onto the neck they go.'
'I see three.'
We need one more.
There you go.
You got four.
Back on to the commode cab.
Come on, fellas.
'You don't wanna
waste time here.'
'Get on the commode cab.'
'The next stunt
will be'
'Flying Chickens.'
Flying Chickens.
You know how that works, guys.
You have to catapult
one chicken up in air
and catch it
in the bucket of barbecue sauce.
Here comes one.
They seems got it.
'That's one.
You have to get one each.'
One each.
'You gotta throw that thing.
Here it comes.'
Oh, this looks good.
(all)
Oh.
Make it land into the bucket
of barbecue sauce.
‐ This is good.
‐ Oh!
‐ Yes, we've won.
‐ No, put that down.
I don't want your
bucket of barbecue sauce.
Onto the commode cab.
'Time's running out.'
'One stunt remaining.'
'One stunt remaining.'
And that is the bonus stunt.
‐ Bobbing For Bananas.
‐ Kelly.
That's right.
You've got to pull out
four bananas
without using
your hands.
'Four bananas.'
Hurry up.
Time's running out.
'Time is running out.'
There's one.
There's one banana.
Is there one down there?
Oh. There is two.
Oh.
There's three.
Five.
'Four.'
Three.
Two.
'One.'
[buzzing]
(Bink)
'Too bad.'
You're all
out of time.
You lose everything.
Cousin.
Cousin.
[panting]
Uh, time's up.
[gasps]
I can't lose.
I want that trip.
Cousin. Cousin.
Cousin!
It's‐it's over.
It's over.
We lost everything.
(Bink)
'How about it?
Weren't they great?'
[applauding]
Hey, Balki
So, we didn't win the big prize,
the important thing is
I got everything
I need for my article.
Hey, I'm a reporter.
I had a job to do
and I did it.
I should be
proud of myself.
I should feel good.
But, you feel like schmutz.
[sobbing]
Cousin..
I coulda had
a trip around the world
I coulda had a sports car.
I'd look good
in a sports car.
Yeah, I know,
cousin, it's okay.
It's‐it's alright.
It'll pass.
This, too, will pass.
But, I wanted to win.
Now, look.
We didn't lose everything.
We got to go on television.
We got to stuck our heads
in chocolate fudge.
You got to ride
around on a toilet.
And you see that
as a good thing?
It is a good thing.
It's good to let your hair
fall out once in a while.
Well, it was kinda fun
when those
chickens were flyin'.
Bobbing For Bananas
was a blast.
You know, Balki
if I had just had
five more seconds
I think I could have
gotten that last banana.
There is one way
to find out.
I'll get the bananas. You fill
the sink with chocolate fudge.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]