Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 12 - Crimebusters - full transcript

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just get
a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need some kind
of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Through the rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's gonna stop me
now ♪

[instrumental music]

‐ Mind if I use your phone?
‐ Don't touch that phone.

You wanna rephrase that, baby?

I'm sorry, Harriette,
I‐I‐I just mean

I am expecting
a very important phone call.

Cousin Larry is on the verge
of a very big perversion.

Promotion.
Very big promotion.



And I‐I really can't talk
about it. It's very hush hush.

Oh, is that the job on the
investigative reporting team

working with Marshall
and Walpole?

‐ How did you know?
‐ People talk in elevators.

‐ I listen.
‐ Cousin, there's an idea.

You should wait in the elevator.
That's where all the news is.

Well, I hope
you get your call soon.

I've got to call
the phone company.

You know we moved into
your building three days ago

and still haven't gotten
our phone hooked up.

Really?

My son is going
through phone withdrawal.

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Hello. Yes. Yes.

He's standing right here.
I'm his cousin.

He's my cousin. Oh!

Appleton.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes!

That was Marshall and Walpole.

They wanna see me upstairs
right away.

‐ Oh!
‐ You know what that means?

Yeah, that means
I can use the phone now.

‐ Be my guest.
‐ Cousin, good luck.

Good luck, baby.

Look at those little legs go.

Oh, Harriette, this job
means so much to Cousin Larry.

If he gets it,
he'll feel five feet tall.

‐ Hey, baby.
‐ Hi, sweetums.

‐ Hi, Balki.
‐ Hi, Carl.

Hey, Balki,
I brought you some more

wanted posters
for your collection.

Oh, thank you, Carl, I'm so glad
you're married to a policeman.

Got it, got it.

Need it.

Oh, Carl.

A Joey, the Fish rookie card.

First offense.
Oh, thank you, Carl.

You're welcome.

Come here.

‐ Not you, baby.
‐ Oh!

How come your lips taste
so sweet?

Is that powdered sugar
on your mouth?

No, no, no, it's not sugar.
It's, um, uh, uh.

Don't lie to me.
You've been eating donuts.

Oh, Carl, did you
have some of those ones

we'd always have toge..
Oh, you did.

Look, there's a little jelly
on your hand.

There's some crumbs
on your lip‐‐

Uh, e‐excuse me, baby,
this is a family matter

and you're in the line of fire.

Oh, I beg your pardon.
I beg you pardon.

If‐if anybody needs me,
I'll be over there

separating the assault
from the battery.

Okay.

‐ How many donuts did you eat?
‐ None.

‐ How many?
‐ Just one.

‐ How many?
‐ Alright, two, okay, two.

‐ How many?
‐ Alright, nine.

And I'm paying the price.

Now, lookie here,
I didn't come here to argue.

I just came to tell you
that I won't be home for dinner.

They got me working undercover.

Oh, I worry
when you work undercover.

Oh, well, now don't worry,
don't worry.

I'll be alright, and I'll be
home before you know it.

Come here.
See you later.

‐ Bye, Balki.
‐ Bye, Carl.

Thanks again for Joey, The Fish.

Hey, I'm just glad
I can get 'em for ya.

‐ He's gonna be big.
‐ Oh‐ho‐oh‐oh.

‐ I'll walk you to your car.
‐ Oh, no, no, no.

No need to do that.
I know the way.

Carl, you got food in that car,
don't you?

Now..

It's just a little
something for the guys

down at the station.
A small case of ding‐dongs.

(Harriette)
'Yeah, I got it.'

‐ Balki.
‐ Cousin.

‐ 'Balki.'
‐ Cousin.

‐ Balki.
‐ 'Cousin.'

‐ Balki.
‐ 'Cousin.'

‐ Balki.
‐ Cousin.

You are looking
at Larry Appleton

investigative reporter.

Oh, cousin, congratulations.

Your ship has finally
hit the fan.

How fat is your big, fat raise?

Well, they didn't give me
a raise as such.

Well, no need to be greedy.

After all, you got
that fancy new office.

Well, they thought it would be
best if I stayed right here.

Well‐well, you got that
company car you wanted.

Well, no.

‐ Stationery?
‐ No.

‐ Business cards?
‐ No.

Pencils with your name on them?

‐ No.
‐ Cousin, work with me here.

I'm trying hard
to keep up my enthusiasm.

Balki, those things
don't matter.

This is a big break for me.

I am on the Investigative
Reporting team

of the "Chicago Chronicle."

I'll be out there
digging up the facts.

Exposing scandals,
writing the hard news.

Balki, for the first time,
I am a real reporter.

[telephone ringing]

Appleton,
assistant research liaison

to the Investigative Reporting
team of Marshall and Walpole.

‐ They did give me a title.
‐ Wow!

Yes, sir, Mr. Walpole.

This could be
my first assignment.

Yes, sir. I'm ready.

Got it. Got it.

What is it, cousin?
Crime? Scandal? Hard news?

Hard salami.

They want me to get them lunch.

Well, you still got
that snappy title.

Well, Balki.

My first day
as an investigative reporter

and the only thing I exposed
was some fatty corned beef.

Oh, come on, cousin.
Don't be discouraged.

‐ Your dream is coming true.
‐ Oh!

Come on, you're‐you're a member

of the Investigative Reporting
team.

Don't you think that
Mushmouth and Polevault

started out
where you're starting out?

Marshall and Walpole.

Alright, alright, look,
I read all about them.

I know that they started out
at the bottom

writing little tiny pieces
for the paper.

And then they moved on
to the Features department

and they are writing
bigger stories.

And then, after a few years,
they stumbled

onto that milk scandal
and the rest, as they say

is hysterectomy.

You know, Balki, you're right.

You've shown me
what I have to do.

And not for the first time
either.

Cousin, I'm glad you're seeing
that patience is the key.

What patience?
Patience is for losers.

I don't have time for patience.

What I need
is a sensational story

that will launch me
right to the top.

Just like Marshall and Walpole.

But right now, I'm gonna
get a good night sleep.

I'm gonna get up at 3:30,
go hang out at night court.

Love that show.

There's bound to be something
happening down there.

[knock on door]

‐ Hi, guys.
‐ Hi, Carl.

Listen, uh, Harriette and I
still don't have our phone yet.

I'm really sorry to bother you
but I'm expecting

a real important phone call from
headquarters, and I told them

they could reach me here,
I hope you guys don't mind

if I kinda hang around
a little while?

‐ Oh, no. Come on in.
‐ No, it's no problem.

‐ Alright.
‐ Alright.

Uh, look, Carl, uh,
I don't mean to seem rude

but, uh, I gotta get
some shut‐eye.

‐ Oh!
‐ I'm exhausted.

‐ Okay. Goodnight.
‐ Goodnight.

‐ So, Carl, how's it going?
‐ Oh, great.

We're this close
to busting a big politician.

But, hey, I can sleep tomorrow.

Let's talk.

Cousin, I‐I thought
you were going to bed.

Oh, suddenly, I feel wide awake.

Guess I'm getting
my second wind.

I'll get the antacid.

So, Carl, uh, you're closing
in on a corrupt politician?

Yeah, I really wanna nail
this guy.

And we're about to spring
a trap for him

and a big mob kingpin.

Cousin, you want,
uh, mint or original formula?

‐ Original formula.
‐ Yeah.

He's been takin' bribes
from the mob for years.

Cousin, uh, you want a spoon

or will you be
chugalugging tonight?

Chugalugging, chugalugging.
Ahem!

So, uh, this politician,
we talking, uh, local, state

federal, appointed, elected?
Did I vote for him?

Did you vote for him?
Nod if I'm getting warm.

Uh, Larry, I really
can't say anymore about it.

This is official
police business.

And I've got to remember,
I'm talking to a member

of the "Chronicle's"
Investigative Reporting team.

I wouldn't wanna see this
on the front page.

[telephone ringing]

Larry and Balki's Water Works.

Which drip do you
want to talk to?

‐ Carl, it's‐it's for you.
‐ That's my call.

Oh, two points.

Hello. Yeah.

It's going down tonight?

‐ Oh, when?
‐ Oh! "Childproof cap."

Okay, you make sure
that Alderman is there

and I'll bring Carmine.

Right. Uh‐huh.

Okay, no, he doesn't
suspect a thing.

Listen, uh, what's the address
to the restaurant?

Uh‐huh. Uh‐huh.
Okay, got it.

Alright, I'll see you
in 20 minutes. Bye.

Listen, fellas, I really
shouldn't have said all I said

about the case I'm workin' on.

You know, if it ever got out,
I could get in a lot of trouble.

But you two guys are my friends

and I know that you won't say
anything to anybody.

Carl, don't worry because
your secret is safe with us.

Thanks.

If anybody knows
how to keep a secret

we are those people.

‐ Thank you.
‐ Once again, Carl, don't worry.

Alright.

Because your secret
is safe with us.

Gee, thanks.

What secret is he talking about?

I think Carl is going
to make a big bust.

That's the secret?
Carl is interested in sculpting?

Not that kind of bust.

No.

A bust means Carl is going
to arrest a crooked politician

who is involved
with organized crime.

This is the story
I'm looking for.

All I have to do is rub
a pencil across this pad.

Then I can make out
the impression and find out

where the arrest
is going to happen.

Cousin, cousin,
why would you want to do that?

Because I am going
to put this story

on the front page
of "The Chronicle."

On the front page?

Someone might see it.

Not just someone. Everyone.

Cousin, I don't think so.

We promised Carl
that we would keep this a secret

and I intend to keep our word.

Give me the pad...Balki.

I need the address on that pad.

When Carl makes the arrest,
I've got to be there.

This is my big story. This is
my ticket to the big time.

Well, in this case,
you don't have a ticket to ride.

Cousin, Carl told us
to keep this a secret

and I intend to do it.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, I don't
have a problem with that.

You keep it a secret,
but give me the pad.

Cousin, if you build a career
by betraying a friend

you'll hate yourself.

I'd get over it.

Stand back..

...or I'll sweep you
into tomorrow.

Balki, give me that pad.

No, cousin. This is wrong.

Carl don't want us
to have this information.

Oh, oh, oh!

So that's what's bothering you.

Yes.

You think Carl doesn't want us
to have that information.

‐ That is correct.
‐ But Balki, no.

That is not correct.
The truth, the truth is..

The truth..

...is that Carl wants me
to have that address.

You see this is the way
information is passed

from undercover cops
to investigative reporters.

But if, if Carl wanted you
to have this information

why he didn't just come out
and say it?

‐ Well, he couldn't do that.
‐ No?

No.
He'd get into trouble.

We wouldn't want that
to happen now, would we?

‐ No.
‐ 'No.'

‐ 'No.'
‐ No.

But you said that Carl wanted
you to have this address.

He does want me
to have that address.

‐ He does.
‐ But he can't give it to me.

‐ He can't?
‐ No.

That's why he told me
to keep it a secret.

Balki, think about it.

If Carl didn't want me
to put it in the paper

he wouldn't have told me
to keep it a secret.

Wait a minute.

Are you, are you saying
that Carl gave us a secret

and told us to keep
that secret a secret

but that‐that really
wasn't what he wanted?

What he really wanted
was for you

to put that secret
on the front page

of the newspaper so that
everyone can know this secret

that we are supposed
to be keeping a secret?

Exactly.

‐ Exactly what?
‐ Exactly what you just said.

I don't know what I just said.

All I know is
you had the wind problem.

I went into the kitchen
to get the antacid.

I couldn't get
the top of it off‐‐

Balki, Balki, Balki,
Balki, Balki.

Look, this is all
very, very simple.

Carl told us to keep a secret

hoping we would make it public.

On the other hand, if Carl
had told us to make it public

we would be honor‐bound
to keep it a secret.

Because Carl knows a secret
being a secret

is the only thing
worth making public.

Otherwise, why call it a secret?

Take the pad.

I've got a headache.

[panting]

Nothing. There is nothing.
This always works in the movies.

Balki, how am I gonna find out
where Carl's making the arrest?

He gave us a secret..

...he wanted to keep a secret.

Balki, why can't I
ever get a break?

Oh, don't worry, cousin.

It's the Side Show Restaurant,
6818 West Fullerton.

I‐I‐I glanced at the pad
while he was writing it down.

Balki, I'll never forget you
for this.

We've got ten minutes
to get there.

He, and‐and..

I‐if you put on the front page
of the newspaper

then everyone would know
the secret

that we are supposed
to be keeping a secret.

‐ Because he said to us that‐‐
‐ Let's go.

Hey, Alderman, I'm glad
you could make it.

‐ Hey.
‐ Adios.

Well, there was no way
I was gonna miss

Sergeant Bergetti's
surprise party.

After all, Carmine is one
of the best cops on the force.

So, uh, how is Carl
gonna get him here

without, uh,
spoiling the surprise?

How do you get a cop
to go anywhere?

You promise him
a free meal, right?

Alright, alright,
but one question.

With all the cops in here,
who's minding the city?

[all laughing]

Look at this place.

It's crawling with criminals.

They look like nice people
to me.

Oh, Balki, Balki, Balki.

When you've been on the street
as long as I have

there are some things
you just know.

I have been on the street
as long as you have.

We left the house
at the same time.

Just stick close to me.

Try not to draw attention
to yourself.

Planter.

[rattling]

Loose tile. Careful.

Oh, my Lord.

Alderman Zittrell is sitting
at a table in the corner.

'He must be
the crooked politician'

Carl is going to arrest.

Oh, my Lord!

That's the chief of police
with him.

He must be a crook too.

What a story!

I've got to know
what they're talking about.

Balki..

...I am going to try
to tape their conversation.

Wait here.

Could I have a Shirley Temple
over here?

Wait here.
Don't speak.

Don't move.

Let me freshen that for you.

‐ There you are.
‐ Thank you.

I can't believe it.

I am blowing the lid off
the biggest story in town.

If Carl hadn't let this slip,
I'd still be getting lunch

for those bozos,
Marshall and Walpole.

Let it slip? What?

You told me that Carl wanted us
to have this information.

No, he did, uh,
let it slip is a generic term

which can be used to denote
one who wants to convey inform‐‐

Cousin, cut the Bullwinkle!

Okay. I lied. Big deal.

I'm trying to build
a career here.

If you have a problem
with that..

...go home.

I will.

But first, I'm going
to get that tape recorder.

Balki, you are interfering
with the freedom of the press.

Oh, phoo!

Cousin.

Balki.

Cousin, please.

(both)
Hi!

‐ What do you want?
‐ How about your bread?

The bread's fine.

Well, then,
you'll be wanting some more.

Loose tile, careful.

‐ Are you happy?
‐ Well..

You could have gotten us killed.

(chief of police on recorder)
'Don't worry,
everything's all set.'

'As soon as Carl comes
in that door with Carmine'

'boom, we'll let him have it.'

(Alderman on recorder)
'I can't wait to see his face.
He is going to die when‐‐'

(Balki and Larry on recorder)
'Hi.'

Balki, Alderman Zittrell
is planning to murder Carl.

We've got to get out of here
and warn him.

Quiet down, everybody,
they're comin'.

Okay, this is it.

‐ Now when I give the signal.
‐ Balki, we've got to stop him.

[muffled screaming]

Surprise!

Well, you got that right.

Carl, I am so sorry
about all the embarrassment‐‐

Hey, Larry,
don't worry about it.

You're already
a legend downtown.

They'll be laughing about you
for years.

Oh, cousin, isn't that nice?

And you thought
you made a fool of yourself.

Well, I better get downstairs.

Harriette waits up for me.

She likes to dust me
for fingerprints.

Why? Doesn't she trust you
when you work undercover?

Oh, no, no, no.
It's nothing like that.

It's just a little thing
that we do.

Boy, some
investigative reporter.

I blew the lid off
a surprise party.

Oh, come on, cousin.
Don't be down on yourself.

You're a good writer
and a hard worker.

And someday,
you're gonna be just as famous

as Maytag and Whirlpool.

You really think
I'm a good writer?

Well, of course, I do.

Don't be ridiculous.

Well, maybe you're right.

If I just hang in there,
work hard..

...my time will come.

Of course, it will.

Remember, cousin,
patience is a virgin.

[theme music]