Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 3 - Sexual Harassment in Chicago - full transcript

Well, hello, darlings.
Here I am.

Well, come on down.

Who is that?
That's Olivia Crawford.

The editor of
The Sunday Magazine.

Miss Crawford,
I have always
wanted to meet you.

Well, of course
you have.

And you are?
Larry Appleton.

Ah, exactly the person
I've come to see.

This paper has
a rather tiresome policy
of asking new people

to write something for
The Sunday Magazine.

And you,
I understand, are new.



The Sunday Magazine?

I love
The Sunday Magazine.

Well, excellent,
why don't you come up
with a couple of ideas

and we'll see
if something
is suitable.

It's a dream come true.

I... I'm sorry,
I don't mean
to gush.

Miss Crawford,
here's your mail.

Uh, that's Olivia,
darling.

Oh, well, if you're
Olivia Darling, this is
not your mail.

No, darling.

I am Olivia Crawford.

And you are a delight.

Well, actually,
I'm a Mypiot.

What's your name,
dear?



Balki Bartokomous.

Ah, from the
Mediterranean, right?

Well, actually, you go
to the Mediterranean
and then turn left.

Well, of course you do.

With a face like that,
you can turn
any way you want.

Welcome to
The Chronicle, darling.

Thank you.

Balki, this is great.

I'm gonna write
an article for
The Sunday Magazine section.

Do you know
what that means?

No, I don't.

I'll tell you
what that means.

It means I get a byline,

it means people
will take notice.

That means
I'm on my way
to the big time.

The big time?
The big time.

Well, uh, why would you
want to leave your job
and join the circus?

That's the big top.

Yes, yes!

Whoo, I am good.

Did you finally
beat yourself
at tic

LARRY: No.

No. No.

I came up with a title

for my article for
The Sunday Magazine section.

It's about how
a lot of neighborhoods
in this town

are losing
their ethnic character.

What do you think?

"Is Chicago Disappearing?"

Well, I... I don't know.

When you work
in a basement,
you miss so much.

OLIVIA:
Yes, would you
move along, please?

Harriette, from now on,
I prefer to travel alone.

That makes
two of us, baby.

Well, now, Larry,
how's your
article coming?

Great. I think
I finally came up
with a title.

"Is..."
Oh, for heaven's sakes,

Larry, would you be
a dear and run up
and get them for me?

My keys?

Sure, uh,

I'll run this
by you later?

Of course.

Hello, Balki.
Hello, Miss Crawford.

My, my, my,
how very easily

you lift those
big heavy bags
onto the table.

I'm impressed.

Oh, go on with you.

No, no,
Balki, really.
I mean it.

Where did you get
such marvelous muscles?

Well, lifting sheep,
I suppose.

Ah, yes, of course,
you were a sheepherder
back on Mypos.

Weren't you?
Yes.

Ah, that must have
been so peaceful.

Oh, yes, yes.

Sitting on
the hillsides,

listening to the goat
bells in the distance

watching Papa's sheep
eat the grass.

They have four stomachs,
you know?

And one of them
stomachs goes bad,

everything just backs up
and backs up...

Yes, thank you, darling.
Very vivid.

But you're so very far
from home, Balki.

Don't you get homesick
sometimes?

Yes sometimes, but I bring
some things with me
that remind me of home.

I have Dimitri,
of course.

He's my stuffed sheep.

And I have a beautiful
tapestry that my sister...

You don't mean it.

What an extraordinary
coincidence.

I just happen to
have a rather extensive
collection myself.

Get out of this city.

You collect
stuffed sheep, too?

No, tapestries,
darling.

Balki, I have
a wonderful idea.

Why don't I come over
and see your tapestry?

I'm going to be right
in your neighborhood
this evening.

Well, that would be
wonderful.

535 Wilson,
apartment 207.

It's a brick building.

Are you going to be
driving yourself?

Yes.

Then I'll save you
15 minutes.

Now, don't go up Halsted.

There's construction
on Halsted.

Wait, wait,
I have to
turn nyself around.

Okay. Uh, don't, uh...

Uh, you don't want
to go up Halsted, you...

Uh, uh, you want
to go parallel
to Halsted

Miss Crawford.

Call me Olivia.

I should be there
about 7:00.

Oh, would you look
at that?

I had my keys
the whole time.

See you later,
dear boy.

I'm sorry,
Miss Crawford.

I couldn't
find the, uh...

I... I couldn't
find your, uh...

Did Miss Crawford
leave?

Yes.

Did she find her keys?

Oh, yes.

Are you feeling okay?

Oh, no.

Balki,
what happened?

When you're alone
with a woman

and she say that
she wants to come over
to your house

to see your tapestry,

Well,

Okay.

What about if you're
alone with a woman

and she kiss you so hard

that your eyeballs
roll back up
into your head?

That means
what you think it means.

Now who's the girl?

No.

Olivia.

Olivia Crawford?

No, Olivia Newton-John.

Of course,
Olivia Crawford.

Ha-ha-ha.

Balki, I don't mean
to hurt your feelings.

But you're going to.

But...

and you are just
a lowly, little mail boy.

Come on. Let's go home.

People like her
don't get involved

with people like us.

Well, be that
as that may be,

but she's
coming over tonight.

She is?
Yes, she is.

Why?

She say she wants
to see my tapestry.

What should I do?

Well, what if she
wants to see more?

Balki, I'm sure
this is nothing.

Even if it were,
you can take care
of yourself.

I mean, you've been
with women before.

I... I mean, on Mypos.

I'm sure the milkmaids
were all over you.

You probably had to beat
them off with a crook.

Am I right

Huh?

Aren't you?

If it will make you
feel better,

I'll stay home
with you tonight.

Thank you, cousin.
All right.

What should I do?

Oh, Larry.
Hello, Miss Crawford.

Hello, Larry.
I... I wasn't
expecting you here.

I live here.
Balki and I are cousins.

Hello, Miss Crawford.

Hello, Balki.

Won't you come in?

for cocktails
15 minutes ago.

I wonder if you
would mind terribly

if I just took
a quick look
at the tapestry

and then hit the road?

I would have
run it down
to your car.

I'll go get it.

Balki, I think
Miss Crawford

just wants to look
at the tapestry.

Color me embarrassed.

I have so much
to learn about
American women.

Reams.

Look, if I leave
right now,

I can till get
some research
done at the library.

Can I go?
Yes, yes, cousin.

And thank you,
thank you for showing me
how wrong I was.

Hey, it's why
I'm here.

Well, I'm sorry
I can't stay,
Miss Crawford.

Oh! Aw...

I hear the editor
of the Sunday Magazine

is tough on people
who don't
make their deadlines.

Hmm, they tell me
she's hell on wheels.

Well, don't just
stand there grinning.

Get out there
and get me a story.

Cousin Larry
should go easy
on the cheap cologne.

Here it is.

Do you like it?
Oh, yes!

Oh, I'm so glad.

This is a very, very
special tapestry.

It show the entire history
of the island of Mypos.

For instance,
this represents
Ferdinand Mypos

discovering that
Mypos is an island.

Yes, he made
the discovery

while he was trying
to walk to Italy.

And this over here,

this represents
the great tomato famine.

Thousands and thousands
of tomatoes died.

Fascinating.

Listen, Miss Crawford,
I... I just want to tell you

I have to get something
off my chest.

What, Balki?

I...

Well, when...

When you kissed me,

I thought
for just a second

that maybe it wasn't
a "Hello, Balki,

"how are you today" kiss,

I thought it might
have been a whatever,

"Hi, sailor, new in town?"
kind of a kiss.

Well, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.

Well, tell me, um...

What do you
feel like now?

Well, I feel perfect
comfortable just like
I'm at home with Mama.

Well, I'm very
glad, Balki,

because I certainly
wouldn't want you
to be afraid of me.

You see,
it's very rare

for the person such yourself
comes into one's life.

A complete innocent,
pure and unsullied.

A blank page
upon which someone,

perhaps someone
like myself,

can write a tale
of searing passion.

Aw. No...

Mama never did that.

Miss Crawford?
Yes?

Miss Crawford,
Miss Crawford.

I... I don't approve
of this.
Oh.

You see, you see,
I... I come from...

From a country
where
people believe that...

That they should
get married
before they do

some of the things
that you and I
have already done.

Oh, ah!

I forgot my library card.

Oh!

What's going on here?

Are you blind?

Don't you have
someplace to go?

No, he doesn't.
Cousin...

Well, this doesn't seem
like a very good time.

Oh, if I hurry,
I can still make
it to the mayor's.

Now, Balki, why don't
we continue this

some other time
in some other place,

someplace where
we can have
a little privacy.

What do you say to
Mickey's Hideaway,
Tuesday evening?

Mickey's Hideaway?

Isn't that
the adult motel

I've seen the ads.

Miss Crawford...

I don't want to hurt
your feelings,

but I'm busy Tuesday nights
for the rest of my life.

Balki, let me try
and say this in a way

which even you
will understand.

I am Olivia Crawford.

I am an extremely
powerful woman
at The Chronicle.

And, "Goodbye, Olivia,"

means,
"Hello, unemployment."

You can't get away
with this.

You'd be surprised
what I can get away with.

Ciao.

Goodbye, Olivia.

Hello, unemployment.

Don't you worry, buddy.

Well, you know
what I mean.

Cousin, do you think
we're doing
the right thing?

Yes. We're doing
the right thing.

She can't get away
with sexual harassment.

I don't want you
to lose your job.

Balki, we've built
a very strong case here.

Frank Cublic from Classified
lost his job because of her.

So did Tommy Dugan
in security

and Jeff Maxwell
on the loading dock.

This lady has got
to be stopped.

And this is the
right way to do it.

When do you think
Olivia will hit the fan?

Any minute now.

Look out, baby.

What do you call this?

It's a copy of
a complaint I sent to
the managing editor.

We're charging you
with sexual harassment.

You're bluffing.

I carried it up to him
in my very own
muscular arms.

Well,

it's not going
to work, you know.

Oh, Olivia,
I'm glad you're here.

You make some
very damaging
allegations in here.

Everything I wrote
is true.

I even have
photocopies of the
registration cards

from Mickey's Hideaway.

Miss Crawford
has a suite
named after her.

And if you
don't believe him,

you can dust my body
for her fingerprints.

I don't think
that'll be necessary.

Olivia, what do you
have to say about this?

I mean, look at him!

Three people say
they lost their jobs
because of you.

Well, Jack, Jack, Jack.

When people get fired,
they've got to
blame somebody.

Now, these kids,
whom I scarcely know,

are trying
to slander me.

God knows what
I ever did to them.

Olivia, give me
a little credit.

I'm a newspaper man.

I checked
Appleton's sources.

And they confirm
the rumors

I've been hearing
about you for years.

Now, I'd like to
give you the
opportunity to resign.

Oh, I have
no intention
of resigning.

I was hoping
you would say that.

That way I can say this.
"You're fired."

That felt good.

What do I need
with this two-bit
paper, anyway?

I think it's time
I took a bite
out of the Big Apple.

No way, lady.
Employees only.

Oh, that does
feel good.

You two should feel
proud of yourselves.

Lot of people wouldn't
have had the guts

to blow the whistle
on her.

Weren't you afraid
of losing your jobs?

We decided we'd rather
not work for a newspaper

that would fire
its employees
for telling the truth.

How about that?

I have Woodward
and Bernstein
in my basement.

Not bad.

Well, Balki,

Oh, cousin...

I... I'm sorry that
helping me means you don't
get an article

in The Sunday Magazine.

You're right.

I won't.

And the future woman
of my dreams
thanks you, too,

because thanks to you,

she'll be able
to spend her
wedding night

the way it was
meant to be,

with a husband
who has
absolutely no idea

of what he's doing.