Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 4 - Taking Stock - full transcript

When Larry advises Balki to invest his money by buying stock, Balki decides to buy a share in the company that makes his favorite cereal. When Balki learns that the cereal is not as it is advertised and he wants to complain so he and Larry go to speak to the President. But the rep who meets them upon learning that Balki only has one share tells them to leave. But they refuse to leave unless they speak to the President.

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream



* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

"Attach lead wire-C
to terminal-D."

Wednesday?

Yes.

But better than that.

This is the day
we found out
how to get rich.

Just like
Miss Elvira Worth.

Who's Elvira Worth?

More to the point,
what is Elvira Worth?

Listen to this.
This come in the mail today.



"Miss Elvira Worth,
a housewife
from De Queen, Arkansas

"turned a $500 investment--"

I can't understand
a word you're saying.

"turned a $500
investment--"

"Into--"
"Millions--"

"Too."
Hmm.

Balki, leave your money
in the bank.

Forget about
the stock market.
You know nothing about it.

Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.

On Mypos,
I sell my sheep
at the stock market.

No.

The stocks
they buy and sell
are shares in businesses.

Oh. That sounds
more exciting
than our stock market.

I bet it smells
better, too, huh?

Are there
any other pluses?

Well, uh, yes,
there are.

Depending on whether
the business makes
money or not,

the value
of your stock
goes up or down.

Oh, I want the kind of stock
that goes up.

That's very shrewd.

But sometimes
your stock goes down.

No, I don't want that kind.
No.

No one does.

Unfortunately,
there's no way
of knowing

whether your stock
will go up or down.

No, cousin, I want you
to help me buy stock.

It's very complicated.
You could lose your shirt.

Your money, your money,
you could lose your money.

You're not going to
invest in the stock market
and that's that.

Oh, that's that,
is that?

All right, fine.

No skin off my head.

I'll just go ask
Mary Anne to help me
lose my money.

No, no, wait, wait.
You don't wanna
ask Mary Anne.

All right, look,
if you're determined
to do this,

I'll help you.

Oh, thank you, cousin.
Hmm.

Now, here's
the business section.

This is a listing
of all the stocks.

Now, which one
do you wanna buy?

There's so many.

Oh, hey, here's one
I've heard
good things about,

UniCorn.

Oh, I like unicorns.

You say that
they don't sell animals.

You tried to fool Balki.

They make breakfast foods
like, uh, Sugar Oatsies
and Raisin Puffs.

Ooh, Raisin Puffs
are my favorite.

* Of UniCorn Raisin Puffs *

How many shares
can I buy?

Well, how much money
do you wanna invest?

Thirty-eight dollars.

Thirty

All this is for $38?

And 10 cent.

All right, well...

If I lend you $1.90,
you can buy one share.

Oh, boy!
We can be partners.

No, no,
consider it a gift.

Cousin, isn't it wonderful?

An hour ago,
I was a babe
in the woodpile.

I don't know nothing
about the stock market.

And now, thanks to you,

I'm on my way to becoming
a business typhoon.

Balki, a typhoon is a--

Tropical storm,
I know that,
I was just kidding.

Cut me
some slack, cousin.

Jennifer and Mary Anne
will be here any minute.

We have reservations
for eight o'clock.

Cousin, I have
a surprise for you.

I got my UniCorn
stock certificate.

And you framed it.

Yes, I did.

Isn't it beautiful?

Yes, it's... Brightens up
the whole room.

Oh.

Oh.

Will you stop that?

That's the girls.

Hi.
Hi.

You look stunning,
that's your color.

Thank you.
I borrowed this outfit
from Mary Anne.

Jennifer and Mary Anne,
I have a surprise for you.

Oh, don't tell me.
Let me guess.

No sense hurting yourself,
Mary Anne.

Why don't you just
let Balki tell us?

Better yet,
why don't I
just show you?

Hurry up.

This is it.

MARY ANNE:
What are we supposed
to be looking at?

Balki just bought
his first share of stock

in the United
Corn Corporation.

I own a piece
of America.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

But the backbone
of our company
is Raisin Puffs,

the cereal chock-full
of naturally-sweet raisins.

Raisins.
They're nature's candy.

I'll get my car keys

and maybe we can
get out of here

before he sings
the jingle.

There aren't
enough raisins.

That's impossible.

Raisin Puffs guarantees
100 raisins in every box.

Look, I'll show you.

So, you see,
Raisin Puffs
without the raisins

is like Snow White
without her seven dorks.

Mary Anne may have
been mistaken.

You bet your
bottom digda she was,
look at this.

See this?

Where are the raisins?

They must be in here.

Well, let's go.

Why does Balki
have a box on his face?

He lost his raisins.

Right, okay. Ladies?

Why would they say
that they put 100 raisins
in every box,

and then they don't put
100 raisins in every box?

Well, maybe this is
a signal to sell
your stock, Balki.

BALKI:
They must be in here.

Balki. Balki,
what are you doing?

Remember,
we have reservations.

Cousin, I'm in the middle
of a company crisis.

I don't know
what you're doing,

No, cousin, please,
you go to the restaurant
with Jennifer and Mary Anne

and I come to you
when I'm finished.

Well, uh, let's go
to the restaurant

and Balki can join us
whenever he's finished
his, uh,

Two, three, four,
five, six, seven.

Please let there be 100.

One, two,

three, four--

Balki, you're here.

Six...
Where have you been?

Seven... Shh--
I called from the restaurant.

There was no answer,
I don't know how many times

I let it ring,
15, 16...

...seventeen, eighteen,
nineteen...

Cousin, uh,
I was at the store.

One...

Oh, my Lord.

Balki, how many boxes
of Raisin Puffs
have you opened?

Eight...

...five, six, seven,
eight, nine,

ten, eleven, twelve...
Ten, eleven, twelve...

BOTH: Thirteen.

Cousin, I have opened
13 boxes of Raisin Puffs

and not one of them has
even close to 100 raisins.

My new family
has been cheating the public.

Family

The UniCorn family.

Mr. Henry Casselman,
the chairman of the board,

writes me a letter
and tells me

I'm the newest member
of the family.

Balki, this is
a form letter.

But it does have
a nice shape.

Families don't
send form letters,

businesses do.

Cold, impersonal companies

who're only interested
in the bottom line,
making a buck.

Balki, you're letting
the stock thing
take over your life.

This is not
your responsibility.

Yes, it is.

you're responsible
for everything.

Oh! Oh!

I just had
a terrific idea.

Why don't you just
sell your stock

and forget
the whole thing?

No.
Then I'll buy it.

Balki, please, I'm hungry.

I just want to go back
to the restaurant
and have dinner.

Cousin, you don't understand.

I have to
make this right.

How... How are
you gonna do that?

I'll go to UniCorn

and I tell them
they have to stop
cheating the public.

Okay, tell who?
Balki, tell who?

UniCorn is
a big corporation.

They have thousands
of employees.

Who are you
going to talk to?

Who are you going
to talk to?

I am going
to talk to

the man who puts raisins
in the boxes.

Wrong!

He takes his orders
from his foreman.

Well, then I'll go
to his four men.

And they'll send you
to the plant manager.

Well, now we're
getting somewhere.

No, no, we are not.

Balki, Balki,
UniCorn is a huge corporation.

They have factories
all over the world.

They have layers
of authority.

The plant manager
will send you
to the district manager

who will send you
to the regional manager.

assistant vice presidents,
second vice presidents,

first vice presidents.

because they all
take their orders

from the chairman
of the board.

Well, then
I'll go see him.

He won't see you.

Why you make me go see
all those other people?

To teach you a lesson.

This is hopeless, Balki.

You are only one man
with one share.

They won't listen.

Well, cousin,

if you come with me,

we'll be two men
with one share.

And then they will
have to listen.

I want to see
Mr. Casselman.

Do you have
an appointment?

Thank you
for your help.

Can he make
an appointment?

Only through
the appointment secretary.

Can I see her?
Not without an appointment.

Come on.
No, no--

Balki, I'll buy you
some ice cream.

No, cousin.

No.

The public
is being cheated

I know Mr. Casselman
will understand

if I can just
talk to him.

Did you come here
to help me
or to see me fail?

All right, all right.

But if we're really
gonna see this guy,

we're gonna have
to use subterfuge.

Well, of course we are.
Don't be ridiculous.

Do you have some on you?

Balki, subterfuge
is just a big word
for sneakiness.

Even though Mr. Bartokomous
does not have an appointment,

I'm sure Mr. Casselman
will want to see him.

Mr. Bartokomous is
a substantial stockholder.

My car, Ms. Abrams.

I'm not Mr. Casselman.
I'm Mr. Crocker.

I'm Lawrence Appleton

Of the Mediterranean
Bartokomouses.

Do you ever hear
of my little island Mypos?

You have an island?

Well, I'm always happy
to meet a major stockholder.

Care for some coffee,
cappuccino, espresso, uh...

No, I'm executive
vice president,
soon to be top dog.

Oh.

What are you now,
deputy dog?

Uh, coffee will do.

Ms. Abrams, please.
And, uh,

use the china.
MS. ABRAMS: Yes, sir.

Uh, Mr. Bartokomous is here
to see Mr. Casselman.

Oh, you can
deal with me, uh...

I'm taking over for him
when he retires.

Gentlemen, please.

Raisins.

Raisins?

But I'm sure
this is a matter
Mr. Bartokomous

should be taking up
with Mr. Casselman.

How many shares
did you say you own?

One--

Well, no, one share.

One share?
Is this a joke?

Uh, yes!

It's a joke.

But Mr. Bartokomous

is an internationally
known cut-up.

Cousin--
Stop...

Now, if we can just
move this along.

Mr. Casselman can give
Mr. Bartokomous five minutes

and we can be off
to our dinner
at the White House.

Cousin, you said "sneaky,"
but this is lying.

I only have one share.
Ah.

But I think
this is very important.

And I want to see
Mr. Casselman.

Here's the coffee.

Forget the coffee.
Get security.

Yes, sir.

No, we're friends
with Mr. Casselman.

Look, he write me
a letter.

Casselman sends out
millions of these.

They're written
by machines.

and his faith
in your company.

Doesn't that
mean anything to you?

No.

Here they are.

No, we just want to see
Mr. Casselman
for five minutes.

Come on, you guys,
we don't wanna hurt you.

We don't
want to be hurt.

Let's go.

No, cousin,
I don't like this.

Do something.
Balki, we took our best shot.

Not enough raisins.
Really.

Mr. Casselman!

Mr. Casselman,
you're wanted
in the outer office.

Balki!

Oh, for crying out loud.

Mr. Casselman!
Mr. Casselman!

Mr. Casselman,
you're wanted
in the outer office.

No!

What the hell
is going on in here?

Would you like
some coffee,
Mr. Casselman?

No!
Oh!

Mr. Casselman,
we come to see you.

Well, you sent me
a letter.

Oh.

You're one of
our stockholders.

He only owns
one share, HC.

He's still
a stockholder.

Good point, HC.

What did you come
to see about?

There are no enough raisins
in Raisin Puffs.

You want
more than 100?

what he means is
there aren't 100
in each box.

And he can prove it.

We can do that.

I have only 41.

Forty-nine here.

Forty-four, and the four
I eat makes 48.

This is outrageous.
I promised the public

one hundred raisins
in every box.

Who's responsible for this?

Who's responsible
for this?

So I skimped
a little on the raisins.

I saved the company
a bundle.

Crocker.
Yes, sir.

Put them back!
Yes, sir. Good idea, sir.

And apologize
to. Mr. Bartokomous.

But, sir--
Apologize.

I'm sorry,
Mr. Bartokomous.

Please accept my apology.

Oh, it's okay.

To forgive is divine.

To be an airhead
is human.

Why my daughter
married that nitwit
I'll never know.

BOTH:
No, thank you.

I don't know why I bother.

I'm really glad
you brought this
to my attention, son.

He called me son.

All we're interested in
is making a buck.

That thought never
crossed our minds.

Well, that thought
never crossed his mind.

Would you
do me a favor?

Would you sign
my form letter?

Oh, I'd be
happy to, son.

Have you boys

ever seen the city
from a helicopter?

Well, no.

Too bad.

Kidding!

Just because I'm rich
doesn't mean
I'm not a fun guy.

What do you say
we go buzz
the Kellogg factory?

LARRY: You know, Balki,
that Casselman is a fun guy.

You know what was
the best part?

Racing the police
helicopter?

That was fun.

America is going
to have raisins
coming out of her ears.

What do you mean,
thanks to me?

And I was wrong
about that.

"If you want
to change something,

"you got to go
to the top guy."

Hmm, no,
I think I said,

"If you get
to the top guy,
he'd throw you out."

Well, you sure did.

But you're also
the man that said,

"You've got
to use subterfuge."

Which didn't
work at all.

You're not going
to let me say

anything nice
about you, are you?

All right, go ahead.

That's it.

Could you say it again?
I missed it.

If you hadn't told me
what not to do,

I would never have known
what I should
have been doing.

And because
you came with me

to stop me from doing
what I wanted to do

but should not
have been doing,

I was able to do
what had to be done,

even though you didn't
want me to do it.

Well, I'm glad
I could help.