Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 22 - Bye Bye Biki - full transcript

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall



* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Yes, sir. I'll have it for you
tomorrow morning.

Cousin, cousin, don't...
Don't... Don't do anything.

Just wait--
Balki, I'm fine.

I got it. I got it.

I'm fine. I'm fine.
No, Balki, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Get back.
Can you just get--

No, no, no, Balki.
Cousin, don't--

No, no, no.
Oh, oh.



Now, you see,
it's a lucky thing
I was here.

Now, very slowly,
let me just take--

No, Balki--
Listen.

Just let me get
the top one.

Good thing, they don't let
you guys handle explosives.

Well, so what is all this?

Don't tell me you're still
writing that article?

Oh, no, Balki,
I'm not writing it.

I'm just doing the research.

Three feature reporters
are writing it.

Oh, well, that hardly
seems fair.

Oh, no, no.

It's great.
I'm learning a lot.

See, the series
is on senior citizens.

And this afternoon
I interviewed a pair
of elderly brothers--

Oh, I love The Elderly Brothers.

* Bye-bye, love

* Bye-bye, happiness *

Now, Balki.

you were meeting
The Elderly Brothers?

It was last minute.
Hmm.

You tell me all about it

on the way
to the movie tonight.

Movie?
Yeah.

Benji the Hunted
is playing at the theater

or a drive-in near us.

Oh, oh, oh.

Ah, Balki, I can't go
to a movie tonight.

I've gotta stay home.

I've gotta go
through all these files

and take notes on each one.

Oh, cousin, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay, Balki.

You enjoy the movie.

Enjoy the movie?

Are you out of my mind?

If you stay home,
I stay home.

Now, this is what
we're gonna do.

I'll read you the files,
and you take notes.

"Residents of
Oak Park, Illinois,

"were surveyed,
and it was--"
Um...

No, uh, Balki, I really
should read them myself.

You're absolutely right.

What kind of fool am I?

Listen, this is what
we're gonna do.

You read the files,
and I'll take notes.

I'll have to start sharpening
pencils right now.

Balki, I think what--

Balki, I think
what we need to--

Balki. Balki.

Balki, I better
take the notes myself.

See, I've kinda
got my own system.

But to tell you the truth,
I'd feel terrible

if you missed
Benji because of me.

Cousin, please, don't give it
a second thought.

If you need a helping hand

Balki will be there
to jump in with both feet.

Cousin, you'll never guess
what happened tonight!

Wait a minute, Balki.

Please.

Please.

I went to see
Benji the Hunted.

Mind blower!

I mean, the whole movie

is shown from a dog's
point of view.

And you know, I never
thought about it before

but that Benji
must get a stiff neck

from looking up
all the time.

Uh-uh-uh. Hey.

But anyway, anyway

the really exciting thing
happened after the movie.

Okay, wait a minute.
Hang on, hang on.

Let me finish this.
Let me finish this.

Let me finish, please.

Okay. I went...

I went to the night mart.

Did you know, they let you
make your own hot cocoa?

Well, they do.

And it's not as easy
as most people think.

There's a trick to it.

as you add the hot water.

Uh, Balki, Balki, Balki.

I've seen you
make hot chocolate

and hey, you're the best.

But I am up to my neck
in senior citizens here

so it would really
help me right now

if you could just
save your story for later.

But, cousin, cousin--
Later. Could you do that?

Could you do that for me?
Wait a minute.

Please.

Okay.

Thank you.

What's your story?
Okay.

I made a new friend!

Great story.
I laughed. I cried.

Now, can I get
back to my work?

No, so I'm at the night mart

and I see this guy
trying to make hot cocoa.

And he doesn't know
what he's doing.

He's messing it all up.

And he's ending up
with this brown glop

at the bottom of his cup.

Disgusting.
So I went up to him

and I decided I'll show him
how to make it the Balki way,

which as you know entails
a degree of stirring.

Well, that's nice.
That's nice.

You help someone,
you make a friend.

That's the way it works.
Yeah, but...but--

Uh-uh!
Oh.

So, well, it was a good thing
I was his friend

because I have to pay
for his hot cocoa.

Oh, you paid
for his hot cocoa.

he realized he had forgot
his wallet at home.

Oh, getting
to the checkout line

realizing you don't
have any money.

That can be embarrassing.

You can say that again

and it was a good thing
I was there

because I also had to pay
for his Dang Dongs.

You paid for his hot chocolate
and his Dang Dongs?

Yeah, yeah, I paid
for his Dang Dongs

and his, uh,
double-stuffed Oreos

and his Scooter Pies
and his Twinkies

and his two gallons
of Cookies 'n Cream ice cream.

Uh... Balki, I--
Cousin, cousin, cousin.

I know what you're thinking,
and I asked myself

the very same question.

Isn't this just a little
too much sugar in one's diet?

That's not
what I was thinking.

Well, you'll be happy to know

until after his dinner.

Dinner?

Wait a minute.

Back up. Back up.

Whoa!

He took you to a very
expensive restaurant?

If he didn't
have any money,

how did he pay
for this dinner?

he pulled out
all the stops.

He insisted we have the best
dinner my money could buy.

Cousin.

I don't know, it's pretty
unbelievable so far.

My new friend
is a world-famous athlete.

You're right.
This is a part
I don't believe.

At the 1984 Olympics,
he won four gold medals.

Two for running,
one for jumping

and one for handing
someone a stick.

Let me guess, Carl Lewis?

Get out of the city!

You know him, too?
No.

No, I don't know him,
and neither do you.

This Carl is a con artist.
No, cousin,
he is not an artist.

He... Have you
been listening?

He's a runner and a jumper
and a stick-hander-offer.

Balki, Balki, your friend

Carl Lewis isn't
the real Carl Lewis

and he certainly
isn't your friend.

He's a fake, a fraud, a phony
and probably hypoglycemic.

Cousin, I'm surprised that

you're saying these things

about someone
you have not even met.

Balki, just think about it.

You met him in an all-night
grocery store.

He borrowed money
to buy his hot chocolate.

He borrowed money
to buy his groceries.

He borrowed money to pay
for an expensive dinner.

Surprised he didn't
borrow money
to pay for a cab.

Only $20.
Twenty dollars?

Well, I... It's all
that I had left.

I hope he got home, okay.
Balki.

And he doesn't need
to borrow money from you.

Oh, cousin, is that
what's bothering you?

I was wondering what you had
a bee in your pants about.

Cousin, he's going to pay me
back tomorrow at the track meet.

What track meet?

And he's leaving

two tickets
at the box office.

All right, Balki,
listen to me.

It's all part of the same lie.

This guy already
has your money.

You're never gonna
see him again.

Cousin.

Do you know
what your problem is?

You don't trust people.

I trust some people.

I just don't trust strangers
who claim to be somebody famous
and take all my money.

Well, uh, listen
you come with me tomorrow
to the box office

and when you see
those tickets, and you will,

your face is going to be
green with embarrassment.

That's red
with embarrassment.

And there
won't be any tickets.

There will be tickets.
Ah.

And you're going to come
crawling to me

on your hands and face
and say, "Balki...

"Why... Why can't I be
more like you

"and less like me?"

Now, if you'll excuse me
I'm going to go upstairs

and get Mary Anne and take
her out for a cup of coffee

because I'm sure she'll be
excited about my new friend.

Cousin, could I borrow some
money until Carl pays me back?

Thank you.

Uh, please, two tickets
under the name of Carl Lewis.

Balki, if there
are any tickets here

I'll eat pigeon,
crow, any bird you want.

I got nothing for Carl Lewis.

Oh, um, try under
the name of Bartokomous.

That's B-A-R-T-O

with a komous at the end.

That's the thing.

I got nothing.

Uh, did you try
under Bartokomous?

B-A-R-T-O--
Yeah, yeah.

But Lewis didn't leave
anybody any tickets.

Well, eh...

But your friend
didn't leave any tickets.

Well, I... I want to see--

Next.

Balki.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I know you're disappointed.

He probably just forgot
to leave the tickets.

You know,
he is very forgetful.

and he forgot
to set the alarm.

And then when he woke up,
he was so weirded out

that he forget
to bring the tickets.

Balki...

just waiting to take advantage
of people like you.

Well, uh, cousin,
maybe there are,

but my friend Carl
is not one of them.

Your friend Carl
isn't even Carl.

Cousin, do you know
what you are?

You are a doubting
Thomopoulos.

I am not
a doubting Thomopoulos.

I'm a realist.

A realist who is freezing
his buns off.

No, cousin...

We came here
to wait for Carl.

And if you're not
willing to wait for Carl,

I don't know why you come
in the first place.

Balki, I came
to look out for you.

I knew there wouldn't
be any tickets

and I knew you'd be hurt.

Well, I'm not hurt.

So you have
wasted your trip.

Okay, fine.

You stand out here
in the cold.

I am going home.

All right, go home.
I will.

Go home.

You think I won't?

No, I think you will.

I'm not a doubting Thomopoulos.

Okay, here I go.

So you're just
gonna stay here?

Look at me.
Am I moving?

Okay, okay. Fine.

I guess there are
some things

you've just got to
learn for yourself.

I guess so.

Good night, cousin.

How long has
the track meet been over?

Well, are you're sure
there's no one there?

Is there anyone else there?

I left him standing right
outside the will call window.

Could you just run outside
and check for me?

Oh, well, that's real nice.

That's real clever.

Well, let me tell you
something, Buster.

I'm rubber and you're glue.

Everything you say
bounces off me

and sticks to you!

I'll find him myself.

That's called,
the Fosbury Flop.

Balki, it's 1:00 a.m.

Where have you been?

Funny, funny story, cousin.

Not two minutes after
your compact little legs
carried you away...

...Carl came running
out of the stadium,

apologized for not
leaving the tickets

and swept me
into the stadium!

And... And there were
no seats left

so he had to give me
a press pass.

A press pass?
It gets better.

I'm sure it does.

Cousin, it was so much fun
inside that stadium.

Everybody is running
and jumping and throwing things.

Hey, Balki...

Are you trying to tell me
that Carl really showed up?

Half of communication
is being a good listener.

I'm sorry to rub it in.

I know how embarrassed
you must be

by being completely wrong.

Oh, Balki.

Balki, Balki, Balki.

Listen to me.

I know what you're
going through.

In junior high,
I told Bobby Caruso

that Henry Aaron
was a friend of my dad's

and that he was coming over
for dinner that weekend.

Well, the next day,
every kid in the eighth grade

begged me for his autograph.

Bobby Caruso's?

Henry Aaron's.

So what could I do?
I had to save face.

I spent the whole weekend
signing pieces of paper

that said "Best wishes,
stay in school, Henry Aaron."

Do you see what
I'm getting at?

But shouldn't you
be telling all of this
to Bobby Caruso?

Balki.

The point is
when you've been hurt

you don't have to make up
a story to save face.

You...

You don't believe me.

Balki, this is Cousin Larry
you're talking to.

I have never lied to you.

And even before I knew you

I never lied to you.

And even before
I never lied to you

I never lied to anyone,

not even the littlest sheep
in my flock.

So you're gonna stick
to your story.

It's...the truth.

Okay, fine.

Carl Lewis is your friend.
I'm happy for you.

He is.
Hey, I believe it.

So, what'd you and Carl
do after the meet?

Hit the night mart
and throw down a couple
of hot chocolates?

Now, you're making fun
of Balki.

Look, let's just
forget the whole thing.
I gotta turn in.

I've got
a big day tomorrow.

I'm playing handball
with the Pope.

Oh, that must be
Morgan Fairchild.

I met her at the Laundromat,
you know.

I'm looking
for Balki Bartokomous.

Carl, come in.
Oh, hey, Balki.
How you doin'?

Oh, thank you.

You're Carl Lewis.
Yeah.

Harriette is gonna
love these.

She's a big, big fan of yours
and your brother Jerry.

You must be Larry.

Balki's talks
about you all the time.

You're Carl Lewis.

I was the last time
I looked at myself.

You're Carl Lewis.

Ooh.

Okay. Bye, Carl.

And listen, if you ever need
a place to crash, feel free.

I'll do that
and nice talking
to you, Larry.

That was Carl Lewis.

Yes. Yes, it was.

Yes, yeah...

You know... You know,
I didn't believe you.

No, you didn't.

Carl must think
I'm a real jerk.

I made fun of you.

Oh, cousin, I forgive you.
Oh.

You were just trying
to protect me.

Uh, yeah, I was, I was.

And I promise,

from now on I will never
doubt you ever again.

Really?
Never. Ever, never.

Never?
Uh, if you say it,

I'll believe it.

Well, what if I say that

I had dinner with the mayor?

I'd ask what he ordered?

What if I say that NASA
wants me to be an astronaut?

I'd mix up
a pitcher of Tang.

What if I said...

...that I bought
a handful of magic beans

and I threw them
out the window.

And they grew up...

...into a beanstalk
and it reached to the clouds

and I climbed up it
and I met a giant

who wrestled me
and I came down

with his golden goose?

I'd believe you.

Oh, cousin,
show a little judgment.

I could lose my mind,
you know.