Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Graduate - full transcript

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes
you just get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* There's flame in my heart
like a long friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall



* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Okay, Cousin Billy,
nice talking to you.

Uh, I tell Cousin Larry,
you're coming.

He's going to be
so happy to
see his brother.

Yeah. Huh?

Oh. Ciao to you, too, guy.

Lydia, you'll never
guess who just called.

Larry's brother Billy?

Get out of the city!



You read my mind.

You must have PMS.

Thanks, Harriette.
Uh-huh.

Cousin, the most
wonderful news.

Your brother
Billy called.

Billy
My brother Billy called?

Uh, Cousin Billy
just called

and he said that tomorrow
he's jetting in from Paris.

And that, uh,
he'll only be in town
for a couple of hours,

but he was hoping that
we could do lunch.

And I've never done
lunch before, so,

I... He made it sound
so easy, I said, "Yes."

Let's savor this moment.

Well, I gotta go.

That's the same look
my husband gets
when I tell him

my mother's
comin' to dinner.

Let me guess,
your brother's
a deadbeat, right?

He only shows up
to borrow money?

Worse.
Billy's successful.

He owns his own company.
Jets around the world.

Has a villa
in Monte Carlo.

He's Mr. Perfect.

And he never
lets me forget it.

Oh, what's
the big deal, Larry?

You go to lunch,
you listen to him brag,

stick him
with the check.

Well, he might
expect me to pay.

See, I got tired
of Billy's bragging

so I did a little
bragging of my own.

About what?

Well, about
a lot of things.

So you exaggerated
a little bit.

Well, the most
recent thing
I told him was that

I'm City Editor
of The Chronicle.

"Oh, what
a tangled web we weave."

I think when
Billy gets here,
he'll figure out

you are not
the City Editor.

he's gonna torture me
for the rest of my life.

Well, "What goes
around comes around."

Well, it hasn't
come around yet.

I mean, I've fooled him
for two years

surely I can fool him
for two hours.

I'll get Balki
to back me up.

and by the time Billy
gets back
on that Boeing,

he'll believe
I'm Ben Bradley.

You're babbling, baby.

Balki's not gonna
go along with this.

He is the most,
honest person
in the world.

What's so funny?

He really got me good
playing Appleton Snow Job.

Appleton Snow Job?
Yeah.

What that?

Oh, that's a game
we play in my family.

You make up
the biggest story
you can think of

and you try to make
your brother believe it.

Oh!

Billy and I are
gonna have such fun!

Oh, right.

Cousin, do you suppose
that I could play, too?

Oh, Balki,
I don't know. It's...

It's hard to play
with more than two players.

Oh, please? I want
to play Appleton
Snow Job.

I don't think so...

No.
I wanna play...

Oh...

What the heck? You're in.
Okay.

Cousin, I'm going
to play Appleton Snow Job.

How do we play?

First, we have
to make up a story.

Ooh! I know.

No.

Ooh! I know.

What if I tell him
I run the advertising
department?

No.

I've got it.

I'll tell Billy
I'm City Editor
of The Chronicle.

No. Little over the top.

Balki, Balki.
Very original, though.

City Editor
is worth 50 points.

It is?

Wow!

You really are good
at this game.

When it comes to
Snow Job,

I'm better
than you know.

But how're we
gonna pull this off?

Ooh!

I mean, Billy's coming
to the paper for lunch

right from the airport
and we can't exactly ask
Mr. Burns to leave his office?

everyday at exactly
one o'clock.

By golly! You're right.
I hadn't thought of that.

What would convince Billy
I'm City Editor?

What if I brought in
a few personal things

just to make the office
look like mine?

Oh, look!

This stuff
would be perfect.

Wow!

You are one
Snow Job master.

Come on, Balki,
Billy's on his way up.

Balki, get
the picture on the wall.

Not that picture!

Cousin, wouldn't it,
wouldn't it
have been easier

to just let Mr. Burns
in on the game?

Psst. He's comin'
down the hall.

Well stall him a minute.
Okay.

Wait a minute.

I thought you said
you couldn't
play with four.

But she's not playing.
She's an alternate.

Mr. Appleton
to see you,
Mr. Appleton.

Billy!

Larry!

I hope you got
the brains.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Hey, you look good.

Put on a little weight.

Well, success will do that.

You must be Balki.

Cousin Billy!
Oh!

I'm so glad to meet you.

You know,
if there's anything
at all that you need.

Socks, deodorant,
toenail clipper,

don't hesitate
to say the word.

Because, any brother
of Cousin Larry's

is a cousin of mine.

Okay.

So, uh,
come on in,
sit down.

So, uh, Billy...

What do you
think of my office?

You think this is big,

It's as big as a basement.

You have two offices?

BALKI: Pretty well?

Pretty well?

They treat this man
as if he were Prince Valium.

After all, he's the youngest
publisher in Chicago.

Balki...

I thought
you were City Editor?

Well, I am, but...

Oh, cousin,
I didn't tell you,

while you were
having breakfast
with Ted Koppel.

You got a promotion.

But I haven't
accepted yet.

Wow. Who is this?

Don't tell me
this is the lady
in your life.

Lady in his life?

Lady in his life?

Ha!

What was the question?

Who is this?
Oh, that's Jennifer.

She just happens
to be Cousin
Larry's fiance

and a former
Miss Costa Rica.

Uh, listen, uh,
we're gonna be late.

Uh, my car's
in the shop,

so we're gonna
have to take a cab.

Okay.
Oh, Cousin.

Helicopter?

Cousin,
what a great game!

You know, you should
really call Parker brothers

and ask them if
they wanna make a
home version of Appletons.

No joke.
Balki...

Did you see
Cousin Billy's face

when I told him
that NASA wants you

to be the first
journalist
on the moon?

Balki...
Cousin, question.

If Cousin Billy
is on his way
to the airport,

uh, when are we going
to tell him
that we fooled him

so that we can all
have the laugh riot
of our lives?

Balki,

I've gotta tell you
the truth.

What?

I made it all up.

Oh!

Come on, you crazy,
son of a goat, you.

It's got
to be a game.

Otherwise, what is it?

It's just a big
pack of lies.

Well, I wouldn't call it
a big pack of lies.

You lied to me.

You lied
to Cousin Billy.

You made me lie
to Cousin Billy.

Have I left
anything out?

Balki, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have
dragged you into this.

It's just, I couldn't
let Billy know

I'm not
as successful
as he is.

Well, Cousin,
you just got to tell
Cousin Billy the truth.

And I will.
You will?

I will.
You will?

I will.
When?

The very next time
I see him.

Well, I should
hope so.

Unfortunately,
that could be
two or three years.

Until then, I'll just
have to bear
the burden of my guilt.

Appleton.

What?

Wait. Yeah, sure!

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Who was that?
Billy.

His flight got canceled,
he's gonna spend
the night with us.

Lucky break, huh?

Well...

Did you?

Did you tell
Cousin Billy the truth?

I told Billy everything
he needs to know,
and more.

Oh, Cousin. Ah!

I'm so proud of you.

Don't you feel good?
Never felt better.

In fact, uh,
Billy and I are gonna
go out to dinner,

you know, to tell
some more truth.

So, why don't you
go over to Jennifer
and Mary Anne's?

I think they have
some fresh popcorn.

Larry, does Balki
have a lint brush?

Oh, hi, Balki.
Hi, Cousin Billy.

This is a nice
little place
you have here.

Do you have a lint brush?
Uh, yes, in my lint drawer.

Oh, all right,
I didn't know.

I should've
looked there first.

you puttin' us up,
while Larry's gettin' his
townhouse remodeled.

Thanks.

Well, you big,
fat liar.

You didn't tell him
the truth.

You let me walk around
the block in the cold,

freezing my buttocks off
for an hour

so that you could
tell him about
your alleged townhouse?

If Jiminy Cricket
were here,
he'd puke in his hat.

Balki,
try to understand.

For the first time,
Billy is treating me
with respect.

You can't.
Why not?

This is between
two brothers

and lies between brothers
are sacred.

Cousin, would you
listen to yourself?

Why are you
so afraid to tell
Cousin Billy the truth?

He's just like you.

He puts his pants on
one leg at a time.

Just that he does it
so much more effectively.

Well, I hope
I'm not overdressed.

Oh, darn!
I left my tuxedo
at the townhouse.

But, uh, no problem,
we'll just go someplace
that's tuxedo optional.

Bye, Balki.

Wait, wait, wait,
Cousin, Cousin, Cousin.

What's the hurry? Listen.

You don't want to eat
on an empty stomach.

Come and sit down.

Let's have
a nice little talk.

You know, on Mypos,
we have a ritual.

When two brothers
have not seen each other
for a long time,

they have to sit and listen
to the story of
The Brothers of Zockibodbud.

Long, long ago,

on an island
far, far away,

there lived
the brothers,
Zockibodbud.

Mookey and Glinkey.

And when they
were little boys
they loved each other.

And then,
they grew up.

And, uh, Mookey
had everything

that a man could want.

He had a fine farm,

and wonderful family,

and friends
that were super.

But, Mookey was sulky,
because his brother Glinkey
had a bigger farm.

And a more
wonderful family.

And friends that were
just a little more super.

Well, that story
made me hungry.

Let's go eat.
Okay.

Envy ate at
Mookey's heart.

It gnawed and burrowed
like an acid in a rose bud.

Mookey decided that
he would try to appear

to be better than
Glinkey by lying.

If Glinkey had a ram,
Mookey say that
he had two rams.

If Glinkey had
a fine horse,

Mookey said
he had a BMW.

This went on for years.

And Mookey
piled lie upon lie,

and the ditch
between them grew
wider and wider.

One day,
Mookey looked up,

and he was
old and, lonely.

and, he realized,
that what he wanted
most in the world

was a brother to love.

And he told to himself,

I will tell
Glinkey the truth

and then we can love
each other again.

So he began
the long journey
to Glinkey's house.

And it was difficult
for an old man,

but he didn't
know this

because the thought
of holding Glinkey
in his arms again

carried him forward.

When he got
to Glinkey's house,

it was too late.

And Mookey realized
that a man

who lives with lies
lives alone.

Billy...

I can't take it anymore!

I don't wanna
end up like Mookey.

Billy?
It's lies.

It's all lies.
I don't own a company.

I don't even have a jet.
It's a rented tuxedo.

Cufflinks are mine.

Very nice.
Understated, but...

But all the fancy
addresses?

Monte Carlo?
Rio

I get deals.

You... You mean
you've lied to me
all these years?

I know
it was wrong.
I'm sorry.

Oh, don't feel bad,
Cousin Billy.

Please.

I think Cousin Larry
has something
to say to you.

Don't you, Cousin Larry?

Yes, uh,
of course I do.

Billy...

Billy,

I forgive you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Cousin,

don't you have
a little bit more
you want to say?

Billy, look,

there's nothing
to forgive
or be ashamed of.

I've been doing
the same thing.

No, no, I mean,
I've lied.

I'm not the City Editor
at the paper.

I don't own a townhouse.

Jennifer and I
aren't engaged.

But she does like me.

Larry, why would
you lie to me?

Are you kidding?

All my life I've had
to live up to you.

Billy, the great athlete.

Billy, the most
popular guy at school.

I got tired of Mom
and Dad always saying,

"Why can't you be more like
your brother Billy?"

Well, how do you think
I liked it when
they kept saying,

"Why can't you
be more like
your brother Larry?

"Look how good
his grades are.

"Look how neat
he keeps his room.

Look how well
he irons."

Gosh.

when we should've
been resenting
Mom and Dad.

Look, Larry,
let's just start
all over again, all right?

Let's stop
all this lying

and be good brothers.

I'd like that.

Me too.

That was beautiful.

You know, I think someday

you both are going
to look back on this

and realize that this
was the moment

you really
became brothers.

That this
was the moment

you really stepped
in something good.