Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 17 - Pipe Dreams - full transcript
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Balki.
Yeah?
Which tie do you think
goes best with this shirt?
I think this one.
That one's also nice.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hi, guys!
Oh, hi!
Hi.
and we need a little favor.
Name it.
He's gonna put on that
new shower head we bought.
Hey, consider it done.
Here's the plumber's
phone number.
Don't worry.
I'll handle everything.
Well, thanks, guys. We've got
to run. There's a cab waiting.
Bye-bye.
I'll call the plumber.
(PHONE PAD CLACKING)
Yes, I'm calling on behalf
of Ms. Jennifer Lyons.
No, I'm going
to be doing it myself.
No, you can't invite
all your friends over to watch.
Jerk.
Uh... cousin, I...
I'm sure I'm wrong, but I could
have sworn that I heard
you call and cancel the plumber.
I did.
I see.
Well... I'm very
sure I'm wrong
but I could have sworn that
I heard you tell the plumber
that you were going to put on
the shower head yourself.
I am.
I see.
Well, in that case,
may I invite my friends
over to watch?
Because when it comes
to plumbing
you don't know Bo Diddley.
Balki, this has nothing
to do with plumbing.
Jennifer wasn't asking me
to call a plumber.
She was asking me
to come to her rescue.
I could've sworn
she asked you
to call a plumber.
Those were her words,
but her eyes was saying,
"Help me."
No, I think her
eyes were saying,
"Call the plumber."
Balki, Balki, Balki.
It's what women do.
They pretend to be helpless
so their man
can come to the rescue.
has handled it,
Hmm?
Huh? Huh?
Ooh, ho, ho, ho!
Ooh, ho, ho, ho!
(LAUGHING)
Are we still talking
about plumbing?
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
(GRUNTING)
Cousin.
Can I offer you anything?
A tool, a ladder,
a can of WD-40?
I'm fine. I'm doing fine.
Eh...
this in the spirit
in which it's given
but as far as I can see,
you seem to have absolutely
no idea what you are doing.
What are you talking about?
I think you are doing it
completely wrong.
Oh, you do?
Yes, I do.
Balki, how many showers
are there on Mypos?
None. It's an island.
And how many shower heads
have you replaced?
Well, I--
How many?
I--
How many?
How many shower heads?
None.
None, as in zero?
As in never, ever have you
replaced a shower head?
That is correct.
I see.
showers for over
a quarter of a century,
that I am doing it wrong?
That is correct.
Well, perhaps you'd like
to tell me the right way.
Yes, I would.
Would you?
What is the right way?
I don't know.
But I just know
you're doing it
the wrong way.
Cousin, what did
the directions say?
I threw them out.
My father has made it
through his whole life
without ever reading
a set of directions.
He once rewired
the entire house
without directions.
Isn't that the house
that burned to the ground?
They never proved
it was the wiring.
Now, are you going
to be a friend
or you're going to stand
there and insult my family?
Of course. All right,
what you want me to do?
Just help me with this.
Here.
That's a hammer.
Very good.
the hammer referred
to as the plumber's helper.
It was in my house.
Now... here.
I'll hold the wrench.
You've got the hammer.
When I nod my head,
you hit it.
Come again?
When I nod my head, you hit it.
I can't do that.
I'll hold the wrench.
You've got the hammer.
When I nod my head,
you hit it! You hit it!
Now, do you understand?
Yes.
All right.
Ready?
Yes.
(SOBBING)
Wait!
What are you doing?
You said that
when you nod your head,
I'm supposed to hit it.
The wrench!
Hit the wrench!
I'll do it myself.
Good, because
I'm emotionally drained.
(SOBBING)
The pipe broke, huh?
Yes, it did.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
LARRY: You see? Balki,
we did it.
All it took was good old
American ingenuity
a little dedication...
And 23 straight hours
of hard work.
Oh, cousin,
this place looks like
the Ty-D-Bol Man
went berserk.
A few cans of spackle
Boy, this spackle
must be amazing stuff.
Yes, it is.
Now, what do you say
we button this job up?
Jennifer and Mary Anne
will be back tonight.
Cousin, where does this go?
Trash.
Well, I think we're ready
to test this baby.
It's broken.
No.
(GROANING)
Well, do something!
Ahh!
Don't look at me!
Find the cut-off valve!
I think it's
underneath the sink!
Then turn it off!
Well, I--
Turn it off!
Cousin, I can't.
My fingers are stuck.
Go on without me, cousin.
Save yourself.
Aah! Ah-ah!
Cousin.
(GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
Well.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
BALKI: Cousin, what if the
shower head comes off again?
Everything is fine.
Believe me,
when Jennifer gets here
and starts gushing
with gratitude,
it will all be worth it,
to me, anyway.
If you're interested,
No, cousin. I want you
to have all the credit.
Suit yourself.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
That's the girls.
Feel free to take notes.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
We brought some
wine from Paris.
It's imported.
But, uh, this is
a California wine.
I tried to tell her.
That shower massage
felt great after a long flight.
It wasn't the plumber
who eased
those sore,
aching muscles, Jennifer.
I replaced
the shower head myself.
Oh.
Well, whatever.
No need to take notes.
The woman just
got off a plane.
Give her a chance
to adjust to the time zone
and the girl will gush
with gratitude.
Uh, you know,
Jennifer...
it felt good getting my hands
on the old monkey wrench again.
I forgot how much
I enjoyed it.
Well, I'm happy
for you, Larry.
Listen, I hope we didn't
make too much
of a mess up
in your bathroom.
Oh, you...
You'd be surprised.
What Balki means is that even
the simplest of home repairs
can be tough, if someone
doesn't know what he's doing.
Take it from Cousin Larry.
Ha ha!
Well, it must give you a real
sense of security knowing
there is a man around
in case there's a crisis.
Or in case you want a crisis.
Balki?
BALKI: Yes?
Don't you think
you should pour the wine?
Good idea, cousin.
Better me than you.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
You know, it's weird.
I could have sworn when we left
Well, sometimes, uh,
even the simplest thing
like a new shower head
can change
the whole look of a bathroom.
JENNIFER: It looks great.
Of course, now I do have
to buy new towels.
LARRY: If there's anything
else you need done
around the apartment
uh, feel free to call on me.
Cousin.
LARRY: You know, I've always
been good with my hands.
My dad taught me
all about home repair.
my dad rewired
our entire house
without a set of directions?
Uh... cousin.
LARRY: The man was a genius.
Um...
Oh.
Thank you.
There you go, Mary Anne.
And...
Ooh.
Lovely rose.
Funny, it wasn't rose
when I bought it.
We seem to have sprung
a little leak.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, all right, uh...
Don't-don't worry.
No need to panic.
Well, shouldn't we call
the landlord?
(WATER DRIPPING)
(DRIPPING STOPS)
Whatever it was, it stopped.
Now, come on.
Let's not let a leaky roof
ruin a beautiful evening.
Remember, into every life,
a little rain must fall.
(WATER DRIPPING)
Isn't our bathroom
right up there?
(WATER DRIPPING CONTINUES)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Well, that depends on what you
plumbers consider an emergency.
Did you see
The Poseidon Adventure?
Larry, I still
don't understand
why you tried
to fix it yourself.
I thought
that's what you wanted.
I just wanted you
to call the plumber.
It seemed so simple.
Cousin,
the plumber's on his way.
He said have your
checkbook ready,
plus any CDs
that might have matured.
Come on, Jennifer. We better
go upstairs and wait for him.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Balki, why...
Why do I do this?
I mean, why didn't I just
call the plumber
in the first place?
Well, cousin, you know--
Or after the pipe broke.
Well--
Why didn't I realize it?
Well, because--
Or after the toilet exploded?
I mean, what does it take?
What is the matter?
What is wrong with me?
Well, cousin, you know,
part of the problem
is you tend
to ask questions and then
not wait for the answers.
Balki, how did I
let things go so far?
Well, you know, cousin,
you sometimes get an idea
in your head, and then you
just won't let it go.
You remind me of this dog
I used to know on Mypos.
He was always chasing
his tail and then
one day he caught it and
spun himself to death.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
Well, I guess I do get
carried away sometimes.
I just thought that-that
if I could do it myself,
Jennifer would be impressed.
Cousin, listen.
Jennifer likes you
for what you are,
and you want her to like you
for what you are not.
Well, I figured if she thought
I was a macho,
handy, take-charge
kind of guy
she'd like me even more.
Cousin, listen to me.
She wants you.
(THEME MUSIC)
looks perfect
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Balki.
Yeah?
Which tie do you think
goes best with this shirt?
I think this one.
That one's also nice.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hi, guys!
Oh, hi!
Hi.
and we need a little favor.
Name it.
He's gonna put on that
new shower head we bought.
Hey, consider it done.
Here's the plumber's
phone number.
Don't worry.
I'll handle everything.
Well, thanks, guys. We've got
to run. There's a cab waiting.
Bye-bye.
I'll call the plumber.
(PHONE PAD CLACKING)
Yes, I'm calling on behalf
of Ms. Jennifer Lyons.
No, I'm going
to be doing it myself.
No, you can't invite
all your friends over to watch.
Jerk.
Uh... cousin, I...
I'm sure I'm wrong, but I could
have sworn that I heard
you call and cancel the plumber.
I did.
I see.
Well... I'm very
sure I'm wrong
but I could have sworn that
I heard you tell the plumber
that you were going to put on
the shower head yourself.
I am.
I see.
Well, in that case,
may I invite my friends
over to watch?
Because when it comes
to plumbing
you don't know Bo Diddley.
Balki, this has nothing
to do with plumbing.
Jennifer wasn't asking me
to call a plumber.
She was asking me
to come to her rescue.
I could've sworn
she asked you
to call a plumber.
Those were her words,
but her eyes was saying,
"Help me."
No, I think her
eyes were saying,
"Call the plumber."
Balki, Balki, Balki.
It's what women do.
They pretend to be helpless
so their man
can come to the rescue.
has handled it,
Hmm?
Huh? Huh?
Ooh, ho, ho, ho!
Ooh, ho, ho, ho!
(LAUGHING)
Are we still talking
about plumbing?
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
(GRUNTING)
Cousin.
Can I offer you anything?
A tool, a ladder,
a can of WD-40?
I'm fine. I'm doing fine.
Eh...
this in the spirit
in which it's given
but as far as I can see,
you seem to have absolutely
no idea what you are doing.
What are you talking about?
I think you are doing it
completely wrong.
Oh, you do?
Yes, I do.
Balki, how many showers
are there on Mypos?
None. It's an island.
And how many shower heads
have you replaced?
Well, I--
How many?
I--
How many?
How many shower heads?
None.
None, as in zero?
As in never, ever have you
replaced a shower head?
That is correct.
I see.
showers for over
a quarter of a century,
that I am doing it wrong?
That is correct.
Well, perhaps you'd like
to tell me the right way.
Yes, I would.
Would you?
What is the right way?
I don't know.
But I just know
you're doing it
the wrong way.
Cousin, what did
the directions say?
I threw them out.
My father has made it
through his whole life
without ever reading
a set of directions.
He once rewired
the entire house
without directions.
Isn't that the house
that burned to the ground?
They never proved
it was the wiring.
Now, are you going
to be a friend
or you're going to stand
there and insult my family?
Of course. All right,
what you want me to do?
Just help me with this.
Here.
That's a hammer.
Very good.
the hammer referred
to as the plumber's helper.
It was in my house.
Now... here.
I'll hold the wrench.
You've got the hammer.
When I nod my head,
you hit it.
Come again?
When I nod my head, you hit it.
I can't do that.
I'll hold the wrench.
You've got the hammer.
When I nod my head,
you hit it! You hit it!
Now, do you understand?
Yes.
All right.
Ready?
Yes.
(SOBBING)
Wait!
What are you doing?
You said that
when you nod your head,
I'm supposed to hit it.
The wrench!
Hit the wrench!
I'll do it myself.
Good, because
I'm emotionally drained.
(SOBBING)
The pipe broke, huh?
Yes, it did.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
LARRY: You see? Balki,
we did it.
All it took was good old
American ingenuity
a little dedication...
And 23 straight hours
of hard work.
Oh, cousin,
this place looks like
the Ty-D-Bol Man
went berserk.
A few cans of spackle
Boy, this spackle
must be amazing stuff.
Yes, it is.
Now, what do you say
we button this job up?
Jennifer and Mary Anne
will be back tonight.
Cousin, where does this go?
Trash.
Well, I think we're ready
to test this baby.
It's broken.
No.
(GROANING)
Well, do something!
Ahh!
Don't look at me!
Find the cut-off valve!
I think it's
underneath the sink!
Then turn it off!
Well, I--
Turn it off!
Cousin, I can't.
My fingers are stuck.
Go on without me, cousin.
Save yourself.
Aah! Ah-ah!
Cousin.
(GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
Well.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
BALKI: Cousin, what if the
shower head comes off again?
Everything is fine.
Believe me,
when Jennifer gets here
and starts gushing
with gratitude,
it will all be worth it,
to me, anyway.
If you're interested,
No, cousin. I want you
to have all the credit.
Suit yourself.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
That's the girls.
Feel free to take notes.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
We brought some
wine from Paris.
It's imported.
But, uh, this is
a California wine.
I tried to tell her.
That shower massage
felt great after a long flight.
It wasn't the plumber
who eased
those sore,
aching muscles, Jennifer.
I replaced
the shower head myself.
Oh.
Well, whatever.
No need to take notes.
The woman just
got off a plane.
Give her a chance
to adjust to the time zone
and the girl will gush
with gratitude.
Uh, you know,
Jennifer...
it felt good getting my hands
on the old monkey wrench again.
I forgot how much
I enjoyed it.
Well, I'm happy
for you, Larry.
Listen, I hope we didn't
make too much
of a mess up
in your bathroom.
Oh, you...
You'd be surprised.
What Balki means is that even
the simplest of home repairs
can be tough, if someone
doesn't know what he's doing.
Take it from Cousin Larry.
Ha ha!
Well, it must give you a real
sense of security knowing
there is a man around
in case there's a crisis.
Or in case you want a crisis.
Balki?
BALKI: Yes?
Don't you think
you should pour the wine?
Good idea, cousin.
Better me than you.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
You know, it's weird.
I could have sworn when we left
Well, sometimes, uh,
even the simplest thing
like a new shower head
can change
the whole look of a bathroom.
JENNIFER: It looks great.
Of course, now I do have
to buy new towels.
LARRY: If there's anything
else you need done
around the apartment
uh, feel free to call on me.
Cousin.
LARRY: You know, I've always
been good with my hands.
My dad taught me
all about home repair.
my dad rewired
our entire house
without a set of directions?
Uh... cousin.
LARRY: The man was a genius.
Um...
Oh.
Thank you.
There you go, Mary Anne.
And...
Ooh.
Lovely rose.
Funny, it wasn't rose
when I bought it.
We seem to have sprung
a little leak.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, all right, uh...
Don't-don't worry.
No need to panic.
Well, shouldn't we call
the landlord?
(WATER DRIPPING)
(DRIPPING STOPS)
Whatever it was, it stopped.
Now, come on.
Let's not let a leaky roof
ruin a beautiful evening.
Remember, into every life,
a little rain must fall.
(WATER DRIPPING)
Isn't our bathroom
right up there?
(WATER DRIPPING CONTINUES)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)
Well, that depends on what you
plumbers consider an emergency.
Did you see
The Poseidon Adventure?
Larry, I still
don't understand
why you tried
to fix it yourself.
I thought
that's what you wanted.
I just wanted you
to call the plumber.
It seemed so simple.
Cousin,
the plumber's on his way.
He said have your
checkbook ready,
plus any CDs
that might have matured.
Come on, Jennifer. We better
go upstairs and wait for him.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Balki, why...
Why do I do this?
I mean, why didn't I just
call the plumber
in the first place?
Well, cousin, you know--
Or after the pipe broke.
Well--
Why didn't I realize it?
Well, because--
Or after the toilet exploded?
I mean, what does it take?
What is the matter?
What is wrong with me?
Well, cousin, you know,
part of the problem
is you tend
to ask questions and then
not wait for the answers.
Balki, how did I
let things go so far?
Well, you know, cousin,
you sometimes get an idea
in your head, and then you
just won't let it go.
You remind me of this dog
I used to know on Mypos.
He was always chasing
his tail and then
one day he caught it and
spun himself to death.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
Well, I guess I do get
carried away sometimes.
I just thought that-that
if I could do it myself,
Jennifer would be impressed.
Cousin, listen.
Jennifer likes you
for what you are,
and you want her to like you
for what you are not.
Well, I figured if she thought
I was a macho,
handy, take-charge
kind of guy
she'd like me even more.
Cousin, listen to me.
She wants you.
(THEME MUSIC)