Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Pen Pal - full transcript

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream



* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *

BALKI: Feeling good,
from my head to my shoes.

I'm in control,
my worries are few.

I'm brushin' up
my point of view.

I've got a pneumatic tube.

Incoming.

Hey, cousin, your used car ads
came early today.

Somebody up there must like you.



Thank you, pal.

Lookin' for a new car, baby?

Not just any car. My dream car.

A '62 Austin Healy 3000 Mark II.

Well, this is your life, honey.

But I wouldn't buy one of those
little convertible things.

You gonna spend a ton of money

Bartokomous, I need to know
if you've seen a memo

from accounting to payroll.

It was about a claim I put in
for reimbursement for gas.

Oh, yes. I just sent that up
right before Mrs. Ganz's memo.

I don't suppose
you read that memo, did you?

No. No, I didn't.

But I did happen to
glance at it and,

you know, sometimes if I
just look at something

it sticks on my brain.

I think... I think I have what
they call a pornographic memory.

You know, Bartokomous,
I probably don't tell you this
often enough,

but I think
you're doin'
a terrific job.

Really?
Hey, would I lie?

What

You know, Mr. Gorpley.
People are wrong about you.

You do have an ounce
of human kindness.

So, if there's anything I can
do for you, you just tell me.

Let me see.

What could you do for me?

Oh, I know.

Oh, that's too easy.
Gimme something hard.

No, no, no--
No, gimme something--

That's all I want!

Okay. But you have a favor
to be named later.

Quote...

"To Mr. Marshall
from Mr. Belson

"regarding Gorpley's mileage.
Reimbursement approved."

Thanks, Bartokomous.

"I think he's stealing
The Chronicle blind."

Unquote.

Keep up
the good work,
Bartokomous.

Balki...

What do you think
you're doing?

No, you're not.

He was just using you.

Balki, your job gives you access

to a lot of
confidential information.

And it's your responsibility
to keep that information

to yourself.

People like Gorpley will try
to take advantage of you

but you can't let them.

It's a code?

It's a, kind of, code of honor.

Well, of course I do,
don't be ridiculous.

We sheepherders have a
very strict code of honor.

Never practice wolf calls
while the sheep are sleeping.

Never eat lamb chops
in front of the flock.

And never ever
let them see you sweat.

Well, this code is even easier.

You can sweat all you want.

"Don't tell anybody
what's in the mail."

Got it.

Balki, Balki, come here.
Look at this.

I found an ad
for a '62 Austin Healy.

Oh, cousin, that's wonderful.
Listen to this.

New paint, wire wheels,
radio and four on the floor.

Oh, that's too bad.

But you know what they say.

Balki, there it is.

Oh, cousin.

You really stepped in
something good this time.

This is nice.
Nice?

How would you shift gears?

It's an expression.

How you doin' today?

This is my cousin,
Balki Bartokomous.

Are you interested
in this car?

Well--
Are you kidding?

Is he interested in this car?

Does a Mypiot spit in the woods?

Would you excuse us
for a minute?

Sure.

What are you doing?

Balki, if Lou knows
I really want the car

I won't be able to get him
to come down on the price.

Wait a minute.
Are we talking about
bargaining here?

I am.

Well, why you didn't say so?

I am the best bargainer
on Mypos.

Whoa, why don't we just quit

beating around George Bush
and get on with this.

Balki, this isn't as simple as

It takes
a certain amount of finesse.

Let me handle--
Cousin, I can...

Why don't you
just watch and learn.

I've been thinking
it over, Lou,
and uh...

I'm not really so sure
I'm interested

in this baby after all.

What do you say,
I do you a favor.

Price of the car is $7,500.

Ah-ha, Lou, Lou, Lou.

Now, we both know that, uh,

this number means nothing.

You tore up my sign.

Five thousand dollars.
That's my best offer.

My kid made that sign.

But... I don't have $7,500.

And I really love this car.

but I got a buyer
coming at 9:00 tonight

who's willing to pay my price.

Ah, you get here first, you pay
my price, you get the car!

Shall I assume class is over?

BALKI: Cousin...

and I got $7.34.

And a stick of Juicy Fruit that
you could cut a diamond with.

Plus $7.34.

You have enough to buy the car?

Well, if I add in what
I could get for my Mustang...

I could buy the Austin

but I'd have to live in it.

Sorry, cousin.

You know what really bothers me?

When you think there's enough
milk for your morning coffee

but there's only three drops
left in the carton?

Yes, that bothers me.
Isn't that the worst?

Yeah, but I am talking
about buying the car.

The timing is lousy.

I mean, why did it have to
come on the market now?

If I get a raise at my
six month salary review

I'd be able to
make the payments.

They met yesterday.

The managing editor
is going on vacation.

So he wanted to get it
out of the way.

Wait a minute.

If they met yesterday,
the memo was

probably sent to payroll today.

Do you think so?

Did you see the memo?

Well, I see so many memos.

You saw the memo.

Balki, this is great.

You can tell me
if I got the raise.

Oh.

So, Balki, did I get the raise?

Balki?

I can't tell you.

Lemme get this straight.

You know if I
got my raise or not

You know, I have
a wonderful idea.

We've been
cooped up here all night.

Why don't we just,
just go play racquetball

with Jennifer and Mary Anne?

Freeze!

Balki?
Mmm

Did I get my raise?

I can't tell you.

I live by a code.

Code

The mailboy's code of honor.

Oh, forget that.

I can't forget
that I have a code.

Balki, this is the '80s.

Nobody lives by a code anymore.

Just look at the guys
who are running for president.

Now, did I get my raise or not?

Cousin, I know
I made a mistake

telling Mr. Gorpley
about the memo today

but I've learned my lesson.

Oh.

Oh.

Now I see what the problem is.

Balki, there is a world
of difference

between Gorpley and me.

who used you to get information

for his own selfish desires.

I'm Cousin Larry,

your friend,

who would never ever
take advantage of you.

So, you see,

it's perfectly alright

to tell me about my raise.

I don't think so.

You see, cousin,
no matter who I tell

it would be violating my code.

Uh, hey, Balki. Balki. Balki!

It's not like my raise
is a big secret.

I'll find out about it
in a couple of days anyway.

But, darn it

That car will be gone
by 9:00 tonight.

Cousin, I'm sorry.

Asking a Mypiot
to give up his code

is like asking a tsetse fly
to give up his tsetse.

There's really no way?
No, there's no way.

Nothing I could do or say
would change your mind?

Absolutely nothing.

I'm glad to hear that.

Sweet.

Hmm?

Cousin, don't do this.

Something like
a Sears Tower sundae.

Tallest sundae known to man.

A mountain of double fudge

almond nut ice cream

running with
rivers of hot caramel

and topped with mounds
of whipped cream

and cherries and cherries,

as many cherries as you want.

It could be yours, Balki.

It could be yours.
And not just tonight.

Every night for a month.

And all you have to do
is just tell me.

Tell me if I got my raise.

I can't! I can't!

Balki?

I was way out of line.

Balki.

I owe you an apology.

Open the door, please.

I'm sorry.

I am so, so sorry.

I am trying to get you
to break your code

and you won't, why?

Because you have
too much integrity

and, hey...

I respect you for it.

Why don't we just
forget the whole thing

and get on with our lives.

Really?
Really.

I won't mention it again.

Oh. Oh, cousin. Oh, thank you.

That would be such
a big load off my spine.

Ah.

Ah!

So, what do you wanna do?

Watch a little TV?
Well...

Go to a movie?
Nah.

Or we could talk.

You know, it's funny.

Sometimes, the little things

can change a person's
whole life.

Oh, boy, don't I know it.

Now, take me for instance.

When Christos was just a--
I'm just about to--

I'm just about to have the--
When Christos--

When Christos--
I'm just about to have the--

When...

When, uh, my Cousin Christos,

when he was about
eight years old,

he got, uh,
kicked in the head by a goat

and, uh...
We didn't think
that much of it

because who hasn't been
kicked in the head by a goat.

Anyway, uh, when he grew up

he started to have these
terrible headaches

he couldn't eat,
he couldn't work.

And nobody knew what to do.

And then finally it hit me.

I said, I said, "Christos,

"that hat that you've been
wearing since you were

"eight years old and the
goat kicked you in the head,

"take it off.
It's just too small"

So, anyway,

to make
a short story long, he did.

And, uh, it just, it made
a world of difference.

And, uh...

Fascinating.

Fascinating, now...

Let's take what's
happened to me.

Now, I won't be getting
the car of my dreams.

So what, you may say. I mean,
It happens to a lot of people.

But, let's take
a look into the future.

Oh, look.

Wait.

Who is that? Why...

It's Larry Appleton, but,

why is he sleeping
on a park bench

covered with newspaper?

What happened to him?

I don't know.

His back is to me.

Well, they say it started

when he got the chance

to get the car of his dreams

and couldn't take it.

Why? I think we all know why.

He was never the same
after that.

He spent all his time going from
one used car lot to another.

The dealers said they'd find him
another Austin Healey

but they didn't.

And it was all
downhill from there.

He lost his job,

his friends,

and finally his will to live.

Oh, my Lord.

What is it?

Well, he just
rolled off the park bench.

I... I think
he stopped breathing.

Cousin, don't die.
You're getting a raise.

Are you sure?
Of course I'm...

Thanks, Balki.
You saved a life.

Uh, are you gonna buy it or you
gonna tear up the sign again?

I'm ready to buy.
Fine.

I'll go get the paperwork.

May I ask why you're
sitting in the fireplace?

Because I am disgraced.

And when I am disgraced
I have to sit among the ashes.

Oh, right. That's one
of those Mypos things.

Balki,

I didn't buy the car.

You didn't?

Something happened when
I got to the used car lot.

And this afternoon
that car looked

all soft and blurry.

It kind of glowed.

Like Cybill Shepherd
does on Moonlighting?

Exactly.

But tonight,

after what I did to you,

everything changed.

Suddenly, it just
looked like an old car.

I realized I'd put that
stupid car above our friendship.

Oh, cousin.

You didn't buy the car
because of our friendship?

Yeah. I couldn't.

Pretty dumb, huh?

No, cousin. I'm proud of you.

Proud of me?

I made you violate your code.

Well, yeah, you did

but I didn't even know
I had that code

until you told me about it.

Oh, yeah, I'm great at

pointing out codes
to other people

I just don't
live by them myself.

Yes, you do.

You live by a code.

It just takes a while
for it to kick in.

I just wish
it would kick in sooner

so I wouldn't feel
like such a jerk.

You are not a jerk.

I'm not?
No.

You're, you're tricky

and devious

and a lousy bargainer,

but...

You're not a jerk.

Thanks.

Um... What can I offer you?

Perhaps something sweet?

Why don't we go get
a Sears Tower sundae?

I'll buy.
No, no.

I'm the tricky, devious one.

I'll buy.
No. No, cousin. Let me buy.

No, I should buy--
Oh, please. Please let me--

Look!

I want you to be cheerful.

I'll buy.

Okay.