Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 13 - My Lips Are Sealed - full transcript

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall



* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Where is he?
Has he been
down here yet?

Who are you talking about?

Who am I talking about?

Well, if you don't know,
how can I help you?

I am talking about
the Director, Joel Berry.

He's makin'
the television commercial
for the Chronicle.

I heard something
about that.

He has been scouring
the building looking



for the perfect
Chronicle employee
to star in it.

But he hasn't
found me yet.

Well, in that dress,
I don't think
how he can miss you.

Do you like it?

Oh, I hope
Mr. Berry does.

I followed him around
all morning,

but I wasn't able
to catch his eye.

You would think
that a nationally
syndicated columnist

would be able to
attract his attention,
but no!

So I ran out
and got this dress.

It's an original.

One of a kind.

I better be
lookin' in a mirror.

They told me mine
was the only one like this.

In your size maybe.

Oh, Harriette,
just between you and me,

I don't think
that's your color.

Today it is.

That could be Mr. Berry.

Oh, look at that stain.

What stain?

Damn. She's good.

Maybe the director
will notice you,

and then... And then he will
put you in the commercial

and you will
become a star,

and start living
the lifestyle of
the rich and famous.

And then, that guy
will say about you,

"A man with
no ability at all

"parlayed it into
spectacular screen success

"and a fabulous dream villa

"in pulsating
Puerto Vallarta.

"Has success ruined him?

"Well, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous."

Balki!
"We'll be--"

Now, he's not gonna pick me.

He'll probably find

whoever he's looking for
on one of the upper floors.

That's where
all the glamor jobs are.

What is the matter
with you, Miles?

I mean, showing me
a loading dock.

Now we're not shooting
a Bekins commercial, Miles!

Well, what is this place?

I mean,
it looks like a basement.

It is a basement.

Oh.

Is that the director?

I think it is.

Well, if he's a director

he might know
Wayne Newton.

Balki.

Balki, he's a very busy man.

I'm sure he doesn't
wanna be bothered.
Yes, but--

Here's your mail, cousin.
Thanks.

I don't believe it, Miles.

Two people
who are actually working
instead of auditioning.

Can I see that again?

Can you see what again?
Uh, give him the mail.

I just did.
Oh.

I know, but would you
just mind going through
the motions again?

Uh, no, no, no.

Uh, just... Just walk
to the desk, huh?

Walk, walk, walk.

Stop!

That's it!

Balki, did you hear that?

I think you're gonna be
in the commercial.

But you.

You're my star.

There he is. Hit it.

BOTH:
* Wherever we go

* Whatever we do

* We're gonna go
through it together

* We may not go far

* But sure as a star *

JENNIFER: Too bad
we're gonna miss you
film your commercial.

It sounds exciting.

Yeah. We have to fly
to boring old Paris.

I'd love to see you act.

Well, you may
get your chance.

What?

Thespian.

What?

Okay.

Actor. Actor.

I was just kicking around
the idea of
doing some theater.

You know, local stuff,
then, uh,

who knows,
maybe Tinseltown.

Cousin, you're going
to Santa's village?

Hollywood.

Well, uh,
we have to get to
the airport early.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Good night, Balki.

Good night, Mary Anne.

And don't worry.

I won't forget
the little people.

The people
who believed in me.

The people who said,
"Larry, you've got a dream.

The people who--
Larry,

I have to do my hair
in the morning.

I'm sorry.

See you when
you get back.
Bye.

Good night.
Good night.

Well,

big day tomorrow.

Guess I'll turn in.

Balki, come here.

We have got
a lot of work to do.

I wanna prepare you
for the commercial.

So, let's rehearse your part.

Well, what is there
to rehearse?

I just walk up
to you like this

and say, "Here's your mail,
Mr. Appleton" and...

That's how you're going
to do it tomorrow?

But that's how
I do it every day.

Balki, every day,
you're a person
delivering the mail.

But tomorrow,
you'll be an actor

playing the part
of a person
delivering the mail.

Two completely
different things.

One is a job,
the other is acting.

No, cousin.

One is delivering
the mail

and the other is
delivering the mail.

Balki, Balki, Balki.

I know a little bit
about acting.

Oh, why be modest?
I know a lot
about acting.

In high school,
I built the sets
for West Side Story.

I love that one.

* Tomorrow, tomorrow

* I love you tomorrow... *

I wouldn't want you to be
embarrassed tomorrow

because you wouldn't
let me help you tonight.

I don't want to be
embarrassed tomorrow.

No, I didn't think
you would. Here.
Let's get started.

Let's pretend
that this is my desk.

Your work space
is over here.

You cross to me
and hand me the mail.

Go.

Wrong!

But I, I haven't
done anything yet.

Balki, my high school
drama teacher always said,

"Acting is just concentration
and relaxation."

Concentrate on relaxing.

All right.
Ready, let's try it.

Go.

Relax your feet.

Relax your knees.

Relax your hips.

Swing those arms.

Yes. Head up.

Shoulders back.
Not that far back.

Not bad.

All right.

Let's work
on your line.

Here's your mail,
Mr. Appleton.

Mail.

You've got to
emphasize "mail."

That's the important word.

Now try it again.

Here's your mail!
Mail!

Mail.

BOTH: M-m-mail.

M-mail-l-l.

Uh, yeah.

M-m-mail-l-l.

BOTH: M-mail-l-l.

Okay, let's put it
all together.

LARRY:
All right. Ready...

Go.

Relax the feet.

Relax the knees.

Hips.

Swing those arms.
Head up.

Shoulders back.

Here's your
m-m-mail-l-l,

Mr. Appleton.

Better.

JOEL: Ready on the set.
Stand by.

Uh, listen up, everybody.

We are ready to roll.

Uh, Balki, coming in.

so we're going to do it
without a rehearsal.

This is a take.

Roll tape.

Settle. Everyone settle.

And action.

Uh, cut.

Uh, Balki, come here.

Are your legs okay?

Well, I, I don't
mean to brag,

but on Mypos,
they're the talk
of the village.

Joel, could I
have a second?

Uh, don't worry.
He'll get it.

I've been working
with him myself.

Just tell him,
"Less knees, more hips."
That should do it.

Less knees, more hips.

Got it.

Thanks, babe.

Balki, uh,

Oh, yes. He has
been very helpful.

He taught me
the difference between
just delivering the mail,

and being an actor
who is playing the part

of a person delivering
the m-mail-l-l.

I see, uh...

Balki, just forget
everything he told you,
all right.

And just simply,
just simply
deliver the mail.

Roll tape.

Here's your mail,
Mr. Appleton.

I did it! I did it!
Didn't I do it?

Cut.

Balki, you said
your line very well.

But now you have
to let me do my part.

Uh, that is
why we're here.

Of course.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're right.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's fine. It's fine.
Come on over here.

Here we go.
Back to the table
and the mail.

All right, and...

Roll tape.

Larry, that's my job.

Then let's
get with it, Miles.

Roll tape.

And action.

Here's your mail,
Mr. Appleton.

Thanks, Balki.

Here, at
the Chicago Chronicle,

we work hard every day.

Cut!

What the hell was that?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not, not, not you, him.

Uh, what was that voice?

What happened
to your regular voice?

That was my regular voice,

modulated to
performance level.

Well, don't modulate.

Just... Just speak.

Okay.

If that's what you want.

Indulge me, hmm?

Okay, Balki,
here we go.

Back to the table.

And the mail.
All right.

From the top.

Roll tape. And settle.

Here's your mail,
Mr. Appleton.

Here at
the Chicago Chronicle,

we work hard every day.

But, hey,

that doesn't mean
we're not fun people.

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Uh, where did those
words come from?

You see, "fun people"
isn't in my script.

Yeah, but they...

They didn't pop.

Just say the lines
the way they are written.

Hmm?

One more time.
And the mail.

Let's try it
one more time.

Roll tape again.

And action.

There's your mail,
Mr. Appleton.

Cut.
No! No!

No, you can't say "cut."

You see, that's...
That's my job.

Yes, but

he said,
"There's your mail"

instead of,
"Here's your mail."
Oh. Oh.

And I thought
we were sticking
to the script.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
I'm so sorry!

No. Balki, Balki, Balki,
you're doing fine.

Larry. Let's take
a break, huh?

I think I need
a creative meeting
over here.

Look, I think
I have a solution.

Lar, I think I have
a solution of my own.

So we really
won't need you
for this meeting. Hmm?

Okay. We'll try it
your way first.

The director seems
upset with someone.

I'm doing my best, cousin.

Don't you worry, Balki.

If they decide
not to use you in
this commercial, I walk.

Well, Mary Anne,
let's help clean up
before we go.

Oh, no, no, no!
No, no. No, no.

We do that.

Cousin, it's our commercial!
Uh.

Uh, we don't need
to see that.

We haven't seen it yet.

Here's your mail,
Mr. Appleton.

Hi. I'm Balki Bartokomous.

And I just
delivered the mail

to a reporter
here at the Chronicle.

And If he were
not so busy

writing an article
for today's paper,

he would tell you that
here at the Chronicle,

we work hard every day
to bring you the news

with a friendly touch.

So, join our
friendly family

every morning
with the Chronicle.

ANNOUNCER ON TV:
The Chicago Chronicle.

News with a friendly touch.

Balki, you were wonderful!
Oh, I...

Cousin Larry was good.

Was Larry in it?

Of course he was.

And you were very good, too.

I mean, it's hard
to just sit there
and not say anything.

I mean,
but what we could
see in your face

expressed this
whole kind of a...
A range of emotion.

And the way
you took the mail,

you made it
look so easy.

Do you think
we should go now?

Yes, I do.

Thanks for
a great evening.

It was a great night.

And, Larry,
you were great.

Good night.

Cousin, you're upset.
No, I'm fine.

Now, cousin, ever since
we finished making
that commercial,

you've been
on an antacid binge.

Don't you think it would
make you feel better
to talk about it?

When Jennifer
and Mary Anne
left for Paris,

I was Larry Appleton, star.

By the time they
got back, I was
Larry Appleton, bit player.

Cousin, you're at least
a two-bit player.

Balki, I told everyone
I was gonna be a big star.

I even practiced
my autograph.

"Love ya. Larry A."

I lost my part
in the first
five minutes.

But, cousin, that's just
because they "went
a different way" with it.

Balki, that's Hollywood talk
for getting fired.

Larry Appleton, the jerk.

Cousin, you...

You underestimate
your friends.

We don't see
that ridiculous
Larry Appleton.

Not for a second.

You don't?
Well, maybe for a second.

Uh-huh.
But...

Cousin, when your friends
look at you,

we see Larry Appleton,
the good friend,

and Larry Appleton,
the kind person.

And Larry Appleton
who is always there
when you need him.

And... And Larry Appleton
who never tears the tags
off of mattresses.

And Larry Appleton--
Thanks, Balki. I feel better.

You know, I have to admit
you were pretty good
in that commercial.

Uh...

Even just
the way you said,
"Here's the mail."

Mail.

That's what I said.

Mail.

Better.

What I'm trying to say is,
I'm proud of you.

And I'll bet,
you'll get a kick out of
seeing your picture

on every bus in Chicago.

Well, you've got a surprise
coming your way, cousin.

What is it?

Balki, what's...
What's the surprise?

No, no.

Tell me.