Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 15 - Just Desserts - full transcript
When Balki's Myposian dessert (bibi-babka) is a big hit, Larry convinces him to sell them to a local restaurant. But the chef needs 2000 in two days. Can they make that many in time or will the Bibi-Babka Business be bust?
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *
Big plans tonight, Harriette?
Well, I was thinking about
going to a nice restaurant.
Having a romantic dinner.
Maybe dancing till dawn.
But I guess I should go
home to my husband.
Oh, is it quitting time already?
I got to reading some
of my old advice columns
and lost track of time.
Damn, I'm good.
You better be good.
I'll make it.
I have not missed
a deadline yet.
That's because you get other
people to do your work.
Once in five years
I asked you for
a tiny bit of advice
to fill out a column.
You took my tiny bit of advice
and turned it into
a five-part series.
I'll get that.
Why, Harriette,
I may be neurotic.
I may be panic-prone.
And yes, I will admit
I have a fear of polyester.
But... I am not a thief.
Okay, you're not a thief.
You're just out of your mind.
I can't believe
this is happening.
Lighten up, Larry.
We do this all the time.
No. No.
That was the DA's office.
They called to tell me that
Vince Lucas has been paroled.
Who is Vince Lucas?
About a year ago,
Balki and I were supposed
to be witnesses against him.
On the day of the trial
Vince called me over
to correct any misunderstanding
Balki and I might have
had about testifying.
Obviously, you're not getting
what I'm telling you.
Maybe it's the world we live in.
A person doesn't know
who to believe anymore.
Like, a lot of people
go around making idle threats.
I don't. I make good
on my promises.
If you and your pal
testify, I'll get you.
Even if I go to jail
I'll get you no matter
how long it takes.
Someday you'll be
in a dark place.
You'll sense someone behind you.
You'll feel a twinge of pain.
Things will start getting grey.
You'll have an out-of-body
experience...
Permanently.
Now, do you understand
what I'm saying?
You'll get me.
So, Balki and I
testified anyway.
And Vince was sent to prison.
That's good.
And now Vince is back
on the street.
That's bad.
What should you do?
A convicted felon who has vowed
to seek revenge upon you
was paroled today and
you don't know what to do?
Get the hell
out of town, Larry.
I've gotta tell Balki.
Do you know where he is?
Oh, my God.
Vince has got Balki.
Poor little guy.
He didn't even have a chance.
I hope he didn't suffer.
You go and find Balki.
And I'll stay here and slap her.
I've gotta find Balki
before Vince does.
* It's not unusual
to be loved by anyone
* It's not unusual
to have fun with anyone
* If you ever want
to be loved by anyone
* It's not unusual
* To find that I'm
in love with you
* Whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa whoa whoa *
Balki Bartokomous...
I've been looking
forward to this day.
Me, too.
So...
How was prison?
Well, Joliet was nice
but it was no Leavenworth.
Well, we got to get you settled.
I've got everything you
need all laid out for you.
I've got, uh, a sheepskin,
in case you get cold
and a brand-new Masters
of the Universe toothbrush
and the shower cap
is complimentary.
I can't believe
you're doing this for me.
Oh, go on with you.
Well, I know it's been a long
trip down from up the river
so why don't you
make yourself comfortable
and we'll be having dinner
in about 30 minutes.
Balki?
Balki?
Hey, Balki.
Hi, cousin.
Oh, I'm glad you're alive.
Well, I'm glad to be alive.
Cousin? Cousin. Cousin.
If you just...
Cousin, if you just
stand still one second
I have a surprise for you.
I have something
important to tell you.
You can surprise me later.
But, I want to tell you
my surprise now...
I found out Vince Lucas
was paroled today.
All right, help me move
the sofa in front of the door.
No...
Help me.
Hey, Appleton.
How's it going?
Surprise!
Larry, I want
to thank you. Oh!
You know, it's not everybody
who would let an ex-con
move in with them.
Are you kidding?
We'll gonna be the envy
of the neighborhood.
Cousin,
Cousin Larry is so
excited the cat ate his tongue.
Okay, we're gonna have
dinner pretty soon.
Let me see.
Okay, we know where
we have to go.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Uh, we'll talk later.
Well, of course you can.
What is he doing here?
More to the point,
what am I doing here?
We're hiding until I figure out
what Vince is doing here.
Well, well, I...
I invited him.
And he accepted.
Isn't that nice?
Are you crazy?
You seem upset.
Yes, yes, I'm upset!
There's a killer
in the bathroom.
Oh, cousin, he's not a killer!
He, he... He was a thief,
and a loan shark
and there was
the occasional assault
with a deadly weapon
but he was not a killer.
Oh, well, what the heck?
Give him my room.
Well, I didn't think it would
be fair without asking first.
Cousin, on Mypos when a criminal
is released from prison
he is given to one of the nice
families on the island
so that he can learn
to be a good person.
And, and for the family that
gets him, it's a great honor.
And I don't want to brag, but...
my family...
we had two arsonists
stay with us.
This is America!
We don't take convicts
into our homes!
Oh, po, po, cousin.
Now I understand what
got your dandruff up.
Let me relieve you of your mind.
Vince is a changed person.
He studied photography
in prison.
Photography?
Yeah, and he's got
a job all lined up.
And he's going to be
a photographer's assistant
but the job don't start
for two days.
And he don't have a place
to stay for those two days.
How do you know all this?
I've been writing him
ever since he went to jail.
Haven't you?
No.
No. Is that part
of this Mypos thing, too?
You can't just send a person
to jail and forget about him.
Cousin, believe me,
Vince is not here to kill us.
He just wants a new
fleece on life
and we have to help him.
You really trust this guy?
Illicitly.
Well...
it's just a couple of days.
I guess can go without
sleep that long.
Cousin, please, believe me.
Nothing is going to happen.
After all, if we
both ended up dead
I'd have to live with it
the rest of my life.
Cousin, where do you want
to go to for lunch today?
Well, why don't we
go to McMahon's?
Okay. Vince will
be here any minute.
Vince?
Yeah, Vince.
Our VIP.
Very important prisoner.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
What am I thinking?
I can't go to lunch today.
Why not?
Why not?
Well, how come
you eat breakfast?
Whoa, because the actual holiday
doesn't kick in
until after... Noon.
And, uh, oh, darn it.
It's five minutes after.
Maybe next time.
Wait a minute.
Cousin, I can read you
like a scroll.
You're not fasting.
You're avoiding Vince.
You still don't trust him.
Cousin, the way you're acting,
I wouldn't be surprised
Balki, it's hard to trust a man
who might kill me in my sleep.
But, cousin,
you're not even trying.
I don't think you really believe
Vince is a changed man.
Bingo.
Don't change the subject.
Well, he threatened me,
too, but I trust him.
How do you do that?
Cousin, it's easy.
You, you just, you know,
trust him a little bit
and then you trust him
a little bit more
and then you trust him
a lot more.
You can start small.
Loan him your car.
Hi, guys.
Boy, life is good.
You know, they let me
in the building
without a strip-search.
BALKI: Hi, Vince.
I could kill
for a chili dog, right now.
Cousin
Yeah. Sure.
Why not?
I tell you what, Vince.
Why don't you drive?
Oh, thanks.
It'll be good to drive again.
Hey, you guys ever
see the car chase
in The French Connection?
Ah, uh-uh, no trouble,
Mr. Denagree.
I'm still starting
work tomorrow.
I just need some
photography advice.
I want to take a picture
of the guys I'm staying with.
You know, frame it,
then give it to 'em
as a gift for being
so nice to me.
VINCE: But I want it
to be a surprise.
But the problem is every time
I try to get a shot off
this one guy Larry
is watching me.
Well, I... Well, I thought
about shooting them
in their sleep, but...
VINCE: I really wanted
their eyes to be open.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're probably right.
It, uh, won't be
much of a surprise
but at least it will
get the job done.
I'll just sit them down
tomorrow morning
and shoot them both.
Thanks, boss.
I'll see you later.
Balki. Balki, wake up.
Vince is going to kill us.
Now, cousin,
you had a bad dream.
Go back to bed.
Balki, I'm serious.
Vince is going to shoot us
first thing tomorrow morning.
He told me himself
he's not a morning person.
Balki.
Balki.
Balki!
I'm not making this up.
I really do,
but it's not working!
I just heard Vince on the phone
planning our murders.
Cousin, are you sure?
This never happened on Mypos.
Of course, we couldn't barbecue
when they were there.
Balki.
I'm sure the criminals on Mypos
are a darn fine
bunch of people.
Unfortunately, Vince is a lemon.
No. I think he's a Pisces.
I mean, he hasn't reformed.
Lots of killers are nice.
Lizzie Borden
was homecoming queen.
Oh, hi, guys.
Vince, you're up.
Yeah, been up for a while,
I couldn't sleep.
I had a nightmare.
The same one I've had
ever since I went to prison.
Well, we all have bad dreams.
Why don't we turn in
and think happy thoughts?
You know, it's a funny thing.
Get out of the city!
We were in your dream?
It's just the three of us
in this room with no doors.
except I don't have
the straitjacket on.
Did you ever have the dream
where you couldn't run?
Well, the dream always
happens the same way.
Uh, I talk real nice to you
tell you a few jokes.
Then, when we're laughing
and having fun
I grab you!
Then with my bare hands
I squeeze your necks
tighter and tighter
feeling the bones
crack under my thumbs
feeling the life drain from
your pathetic little bodies.
Oh, sorry, uh...
Did you ever have a nightmare
that was so real
that you felt that
you were living it?
Well...
Well...
Well...
It's been fun
reminiscing like this.
But I think I'll turn in.
Before you go, Larry,
I got something I was gonna
wait until the morning to do
but since we're all up,
I might as well do it now.
I'll be right back.
We'll be right here.
What's going on?
Going on?
Nothing's going on,
is there, Balki?
No, no. Nothing's going on.
We were just...
measuring ourselves.
What you got there, Vince?
You'll see.
Stand over there.
Now's our chance. Grab him!
I've been hit.
Getting shot isn't
as bad as I thought.
Your mind shuts down.
Cousin, Vince
don't have a gun gun.
Vince has a flash gun.
Just like yours.
Look.
Very nice.
Well, why would I have a gun?
Well, Cousin Larry thought
that he heard you on the phone
telling someone
you were going to shoot us.
I was talking to the guy
I'm gonna to work for.
I wanted to shoot
a picture of you.
You know, frame it
and give it to you
as a way of paying you back
for all the things you've...
You've done for me.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, Vince, I...
I feel awful.
I am so sorry.
I don't know what to say.
You guys thought
I was going to shoot you?
Balki didn't.
He... He had faith in you.
He trusted you
right from the beginning.
This is all my fault.
God, Vince, can you,
can you ever forgive me?
You thought I was gonna
shoot you with a gun?
Yes.
This is great!
A gun! I love it!
You know, I haven't laughed
this much since
the Newhart show.
Not the new one,
the old one with
Suzanne Pleshette.
This is great.
You know...
I might actually
be able to sleep now.
VINCE: Goodnight, guys.
Booga booga!
You guys kill me!
Balki, guess what came
in the mail today.
Vince sent us
the picture he took of us.
Oh, cousin, isn't that nice!
Yeah.
Just goes to show you
what a little trust can do.
Okay, I admit
I was a little
skeptical at first
but from now on Larry Appleton
will go out of his way,
will bend over backwards,
will walk that extra mile
to help his fellow man
back on the straight
and narrow path.
Oh, cousin. That's nice.
I think Willie will be
happy to hear that.
Willie
Oh, Willie the Weasel.
He and Vince were
roommates in prison.
And so, I invited him to come
and stay here when he gets out.
Balki...
You know, the thing is
I'm not sure when he's coming.
Because he said after
he goes over the wall
then he has to lay low
until the heat dies down.
So I guess that means
we'll see him...
Early fall?
looks perfect
* Nothin' to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
get a feeling
* Like you need
some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
a light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dream
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dream
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* And nothing's gonna
stop me now *
Big plans tonight, Harriette?
Well, I was thinking about
going to a nice restaurant.
Having a romantic dinner.
Maybe dancing till dawn.
But I guess I should go
home to my husband.
Oh, is it quitting time already?
I got to reading some
of my old advice columns
and lost track of time.
Damn, I'm good.
You better be good.
I'll make it.
I have not missed
a deadline yet.
That's because you get other
people to do your work.
Once in five years
I asked you for
a tiny bit of advice
to fill out a column.
You took my tiny bit of advice
and turned it into
a five-part series.
I'll get that.
Why, Harriette,
I may be neurotic.
I may be panic-prone.
And yes, I will admit
I have a fear of polyester.
But... I am not a thief.
Okay, you're not a thief.
You're just out of your mind.
I can't believe
this is happening.
Lighten up, Larry.
We do this all the time.
No. No.
That was the DA's office.
They called to tell me that
Vince Lucas has been paroled.
Who is Vince Lucas?
About a year ago,
Balki and I were supposed
to be witnesses against him.
On the day of the trial
Vince called me over
to correct any misunderstanding
Balki and I might have
had about testifying.
Obviously, you're not getting
what I'm telling you.
Maybe it's the world we live in.
A person doesn't know
who to believe anymore.
Like, a lot of people
go around making idle threats.
I don't. I make good
on my promises.
If you and your pal
testify, I'll get you.
Even if I go to jail
I'll get you no matter
how long it takes.
Someday you'll be
in a dark place.
You'll sense someone behind you.
You'll feel a twinge of pain.
Things will start getting grey.
You'll have an out-of-body
experience...
Permanently.
Now, do you understand
what I'm saying?
You'll get me.
So, Balki and I
testified anyway.
And Vince was sent to prison.
That's good.
And now Vince is back
on the street.
That's bad.
What should you do?
A convicted felon who has vowed
to seek revenge upon you
was paroled today and
you don't know what to do?
Get the hell
out of town, Larry.
I've gotta tell Balki.
Do you know where he is?
Oh, my God.
Vince has got Balki.
Poor little guy.
He didn't even have a chance.
I hope he didn't suffer.
You go and find Balki.
And I'll stay here and slap her.
I've gotta find Balki
before Vince does.
* It's not unusual
to be loved by anyone
* It's not unusual
to have fun with anyone
* If you ever want
to be loved by anyone
* It's not unusual
* To find that I'm
in love with you
* Whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa whoa whoa *
Balki Bartokomous...
I've been looking
forward to this day.
Me, too.
So...
How was prison?
Well, Joliet was nice
but it was no Leavenworth.
Well, we got to get you settled.
I've got everything you
need all laid out for you.
I've got, uh, a sheepskin,
in case you get cold
and a brand-new Masters
of the Universe toothbrush
and the shower cap
is complimentary.
I can't believe
you're doing this for me.
Oh, go on with you.
Well, I know it's been a long
trip down from up the river
so why don't you
make yourself comfortable
and we'll be having dinner
in about 30 minutes.
Balki?
Balki?
Hey, Balki.
Hi, cousin.
Oh, I'm glad you're alive.
Well, I'm glad to be alive.
Cousin? Cousin. Cousin.
If you just...
Cousin, if you just
stand still one second
I have a surprise for you.
I have something
important to tell you.
You can surprise me later.
But, I want to tell you
my surprise now...
I found out Vince Lucas
was paroled today.
All right, help me move
the sofa in front of the door.
No...
Help me.
Hey, Appleton.
How's it going?
Surprise!
Larry, I want
to thank you. Oh!
You know, it's not everybody
who would let an ex-con
move in with them.
Are you kidding?
We'll gonna be the envy
of the neighborhood.
Cousin,
Cousin Larry is so
excited the cat ate his tongue.
Okay, we're gonna have
dinner pretty soon.
Let me see.
Okay, we know where
we have to go.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Uh, we'll talk later.
Well, of course you can.
What is he doing here?
More to the point,
what am I doing here?
We're hiding until I figure out
what Vince is doing here.
Well, well, I...
I invited him.
And he accepted.
Isn't that nice?
Are you crazy?
You seem upset.
Yes, yes, I'm upset!
There's a killer
in the bathroom.
Oh, cousin, he's not a killer!
He, he... He was a thief,
and a loan shark
and there was
the occasional assault
with a deadly weapon
but he was not a killer.
Oh, well, what the heck?
Give him my room.
Well, I didn't think it would
be fair without asking first.
Cousin, on Mypos when a criminal
is released from prison
he is given to one of the nice
families on the island
so that he can learn
to be a good person.
And, and for the family that
gets him, it's a great honor.
And I don't want to brag, but...
my family...
we had two arsonists
stay with us.
This is America!
We don't take convicts
into our homes!
Oh, po, po, cousin.
Now I understand what
got your dandruff up.
Let me relieve you of your mind.
Vince is a changed person.
He studied photography
in prison.
Photography?
Yeah, and he's got
a job all lined up.
And he's going to be
a photographer's assistant
but the job don't start
for two days.
And he don't have a place
to stay for those two days.
How do you know all this?
I've been writing him
ever since he went to jail.
Haven't you?
No.
No. Is that part
of this Mypos thing, too?
You can't just send a person
to jail and forget about him.
Cousin, believe me,
Vince is not here to kill us.
He just wants a new
fleece on life
and we have to help him.
You really trust this guy?
Illicitly.
Well...
it's just a couple of days.
I guess can go without
sleep that long.
Cousin, please, believe me.
Nothing is going to happen.
After all, if we
both ended up dead
I'd have to live with it
the rest of my life.
Cousin, where do you want
to go to for lunch today?
Well, why don't we
go to McMahon's?
Okay. Vince will
be here any minute.
Vince?
Yeah, Vince.
Our VIP.
Very important prisoner.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
What am I thinking?
I can't go to lunch today.
Why not?
Why not?
Well, how come
you eat breakfast?
Whoa, because the actual holiday
doesn't kick in
until after... Noon.
And, uh, oh, darn it.
It's five minutes after.
Maybe next time.
Wait a minute.
Cousin, I can read you
like a scroll.
You're not fasting.
You're avoiding Vince.
You still don't trust him.
Cousin, the way you're acting,
I wouldn't be surprised
Balki, it's hard to trust a man
who might kill me in my sleep.
But, cousin,
you're not even trying.
I don't think you really believe
Vince is a changed man.
Bingo.
Don't change the subject.
Well, he threatened me,
too, but I trust him.
How do you do that?
Cousin, it's easy.
You, you just, you know,
trust him a little bit
and then you trust him
a little bit more
and then you trust him
a lot more.
You can start small.
Loan him your car.
Hi, guys.
Boy, life is good.
You know, they let me
in the building
without a strip-search.
BALKI: Hi, Vince.
I could kill
for a chili dog, right now.
Cousin
Yeah. Sure.
Why not?
I tell you what, Vince.
Why don't you drive?
Oh, thanks.
It'll be good to drive again.
Hey, you guys ever
see the car chase
in The French Connection?
Ah, uh-uh, no trouble,
Mr. Denagree.
I'm still starting
work tomorrow.
I just need some
photography advice.
I want to take a picture
of the guys I'm staying with.
You know, frame it,
then give it to 'em
as a gift for being
so nice to me.
VINCE: But I want it
to be a surprise.
But the problem is every time
I try to get a shot off
this one guy Larry
is watching me.
Well, I... Well, I thought
about shooting them
in their sleep, but...
VINCE: I really wanted
their eyes to be open.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're probably right.
It, uh, won't be
much of a surprise
but at least it will
get the job done.
I'll just sit them down
tomorrow morning
and shoot them both.
Thanks, boss.
I'll see you later.
Balki. Balki, wake up.
Vince is going to kill us.
Now, cousin,
you had a bad dream.
Go back to bed.
Balki, I'm serious.
Vince is going to shoot us
first thing tomorrow morning.
He told me himself
he's not a morning person.
Balki.
Balki.
Balki!
I'm not making this up.
I really do,
but it's not working!
I just heard Vince on the phone
planning our murders.
Cousin, are you sure?
This never happened on Mypos.
Of course, we couldn't barbecue
when they were there.
Balki.
I'm sure the criminals on Mypos
are a darn fine
bunch of people.
Unfortunately, Vince is a lemon.
No. I think he's a Pisces.
I mean, he hasn't reformed.
Lots of killers are nice.
Lizzie Borden
was homecoming queen.
Oh, hi, guys.
Vince, you're up.
Yeah, been up for a while,
I couldn't sleep.
I had a nightmare.
The same one I've had
ever since I went to prison.
Well, we all have bad dreams.
Why don't we turn in
and think happy thoughts?
You know, it's a funny thing.
Get out of the city!
We were in your dream?
It's just the three of us
in this room with no doors.
except I don't have
the straitjacket on.
Did you ever have the dream
where you couldn't run?
Well, the dream always
happens the same way.
Uh, I talk real nice to you
tell you a few jokes.
Then, when we're laughing
and having fun
I grab you!
Then with my bare hands
I squeeze your necks
tighter and tighter
feeling the bones
crack under my thumbs
feeling the life drain from
your pathetic little bodies.
Oh, sorry, uh...
Did you ever have a nightmare
that was so real
that you felt that
you were living it?
Well...
Well...
Well...
It's been fun
reminiscing like this.
But I think I'll turn in.
Before you go, Larry,
I got something I was gonna
wait until the morning to do
but since we're all up,
I might as well do it now.
I'll be right back.
We'll be right here.
What's going on?
Going on?
Nothing's going on,
is there, Balki?
No, no. Nothing's going on.
We were just...
measuring ourselves.
What you got there, Vince?
You'll see.
Stand over there.
Now's our chance. Grab him!
I've been hit.
Getting shot isn't
as bad as I thought.
Your mind shuts down.
Cousin, Vince
don't have a gun gun.
Vince has a flash gun.
Just like yours.
Look.
Very nice.
Well, why would I have a gun?
Well, Cousin Larry thought
that he heard you on the phone
telling someone
you were going to shoot us.
I was talking to the guy
I'm gonna to work for.
I wanted to shoot
a picture of you.
You know, frame it
and give it to you
as a way of paying you back
for all the things you've...
You've done for me.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, Vince, I...
I feel awful.
I am so sorry.
I don't know what to say.
You guys thought
I was going to shoot you?
Balki didn't.
He... He had faith in you.
He trusted you
right from the beginning.
This is all my fault.
God, Vince, can you,
can you ever forgive me?
You thought I was gonna
shoot you with a gun?
Yes.
This is great!
A gun! I love it!
You know, I haven't laughed
this much since
the Newhart show.
Not the new one,
the old one with
Suzanne Pleshette.
This is great.
You know...
I might actually
be able to sleep now.
VINCE: Goodnight, guys.
Booga booga!
You guys kill me!
Balki, guess what came
in the mail today.
Vince sent us
the picture he took of us.
Oh, cousin, isn't that nice!
Yeah.
Just goes to show you
what a little trust can do.
Okay, I admit
I was a little
skeptical at first
but from now on Larry Appleton
will go out of his way,
will bend over backwards,
will walk that extra mile
to help his fellow man
back on the straight
and narrow path.
Oh, cousin. That's nice.
I think Willie will be
happy to hear that.
Willie
Oh, Willie the Weasel.
He and Vince were
roommates in prison.
And so, I invited him to come
and stay here when he gets out.
Balki...
You know, the thing is
I'm not sure when he's coming.
Because he said after
he goes over the wall
then he has to lay low
until the heat dies down.
So I guess that means
we'll see him...
Early fall?