Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 5 - Babes in Babylon - full transcript
Balki is excited when the guys win a trip to Las Vegas, but Larry worries Balki will become a gambler like their Uncle Pete.
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
* Get a feeling like you need
* Some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
* A light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dreams
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dreams
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *
"Christmas Sales." Huh.
Give me a break.
"Mother Teresa."
(LAUGHS) You're out of luck.
"Motor Cycle Maidens..."
Think I'll save this
for my private moments.
Balki, it was no big deal.
It had better be.
You're 40 seconds late!
Cousin Larry just
did a great thing.
What did he do?
Tear up your green card?
This man, Larry Appleton,
just saved my life.
Balki, it was nothing.
I'll be the judge of that.
We were walking
across the street,
And this man pushed
me out of the way.
It was a reflex.
You risks your life
to save another.
In Mypos he would be
considered a very great man.
This is America.
Here, he's still
considered a jerk.
Don't listen him.
You're a hero.
What...
For what?
For running out into
the street and throwing my body
between you
and certain death?
Well, maybe a small hero.
No, cousin,
take it from me.
You're a big one.
In Mypos, if somebody
did what you just did,
he's no longer
a regular person.
He's lift up
to primodopolos.
Primo what?
Primodopolos.
Huh.
And, and I am
but a lowly sheepherder.
Balki, what are you doing?
He's basking in my, uh, glory.
Get up or get out.
Balki.
Balki, get up.
No.
Up.
No.
Up.
No!
I must bask
in your glory.
It's a custom of my people.
And it's a custom of my
people to earn a living.
And my custom is
bigger than your custom.
Now, get up!
Okay.
Okay.
But inside I'm still
basking like crazy.
SUSAN:
That was a great meal.
I didn't know Balki
could cook like that.
Well, it was
a little embarrassing.
I usually like to feed myself.
You did save his life.
He's just trying
to say thank you.
Well, don't me wrong.
It's just that in
Mypos they have rules.
What kind of rules?
Well, rules like Balki's
head must never be
higher than
the primodopolos'.
(LAUGHS)
Well, it is his culture.
See you later, hero.
She's right.
I did save his life.
If he wants to serve me,
who am I to complain?
Who am I to stand in
the way of his culture?
Did you want something?
I bring your Roman slippers.
I ironed them.
You ironed my slippers?
Tough to get a crease.
But anything for
a primodopolos.
Anything else I
can do for you?
No. I'd just like to
sit and read my mystery.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
(SIGHS) Balki, I just would
like to finish this book
so that I can go to bed.
You, you can't go to bed
until you finish that book?
That's right.
The Great-Aunt Phoebe did it.
She did not have
to be in a wheelchair.
She used to get up at
night, dress like a man,
and stab relatives.
That's right
(SIGHS)
Now, you can go to bed.
Is there anything
else I can do for you?
Balki, look.
I know you're doing this
because you feel you have to,
and I appreciate it.
It's just that...
Could we not do
the head thing?
Well... Actually
that rule is optional.
Good.
Then stop, now.
Up. Up. Up.
Good.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to watch a little TV.
All right.
Eh!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING ON TV)
(WHIRRING)
(WHIRRING CONTINUES)
Balki.
Balki, would you
come here, please?
A bit closer.
Closer.
Closer.
What are you doing?
I'm making your
lunch for tomorrow.
Sheep Wellington.
Well, thank you.
Balki, how long does this
primodopolos thing go on?
Forever.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Don't you ever,
ever do that again.
Don't worry.
What were you doing?
Trying to see if you were alive.
Well, obviously, I am.
And that makes me happier
than a tick on a sheepdog.
(SIGHS)
BALKI: Are you going to
stay mad at me long?
No. I am not going
to stay mad at you.
It's just
that you, you, you...
You scared me!
BALKI:
A hero can be scared?
Oh...
All right, not, not, not
scared but, uh, uh...
Surprised.
Look, Balki, I know
you're only trying
to take care
of me, and I
appreciate the thought,
but this has got
to come to an end.
(GRUNTING)
Why... Am I
tethered to the table?
So that you can't walk in your
sleep and fall out the window.
(MOUTHING)
Pretty smart, huh?
Now? No chance.
I'm going to untie myself now.
Goodnight.
Goodnight
LARRY: Balki!
* 'Cause we are living
* In a material world
* And I am a material boy
* You know that we are living
* In a material world
* And I am a material... *
Hello.
How are you this morning,
American hero?
Two hours late.
Someone turned off my alarm.
I wonder who that could be?
Me.
Oh!
I turned off it
so you could sleep in.
I have never been
late in my life.
Not in high school,
not in grade school.
I was born
three weeks early.
Oh! Thanks for
dropping by, Appleton.
Uh, I'm docking
you two hours' pay.
(LAUGHS)
Don't you give me
that face yet.
All right, Mr. Twinkacetti.
Two hours, what is it, huh?
A few paltry dollars?
Take it out of my salary.
That is your salary.
Balki, this whole thing
is getting out of hand.
I'm just not cut
out to be served.
Well, you have to be.
You're the primodopolos.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not. I resign.
Wait. You can't do that.
It's for life.
I'm the primodopolos?
Yes, you are.
And anything I say goes?
You can't serve me anymore.
But if I can't serve
you, I've failed.
And if I've failed
the primodopolos,
then I'm a... Nebulopolos.
You'll get over it.
Sticks and stones.
That's just exactly what
they throw at nebulopoli.
I'm a disgrace.
I can't even show
my face in public.
Well, I'll just get
back to my sweeping.
* Nobody knows
* The trouble I've seen
* Nobody knows
* The sorrow *
Still wearing the bag?
Turnip, I like the look...
But it's scaring
away customers.
Thank you.
Not even fun to abuse anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I'll tell you what to do.
Go jump in front
of a taxi cab
and hope the turnip
pulls you out of the way.
And what if he doesn't?
Either way, your
problems are solved.
Thanks, but I
prefer a solution
that I can live through.
Well, sure.
Think of yourself.
Wait a minute, I got an idea.
I have a friend
who is an actor.
Why don't you just hire him
to break into the apartment,
make a little noise,
wake up the turnip,
and then run like hell?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, you mean it.
Uh, well...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, uh, that's
a real, uh... Idea.
Uh, but, uh, uh,
I don't think so.
Huh! It's up to you.
You're the primopodomus.
What's the cost
on something like this?
50 bucks.
50?
I wouldn't be asking
him to do King Lear.
BALKI: Mr. Twinkacetti,
I can't find the basement.
(CLANGING)
I keep on looking.
Have him come
before midnight.
I don't wanna be up late.
All right.
Balki.
Balki.
Yeah, is Jimmy there?
He's in New York?
What's he doing there?
King Lear?
Uh, no, no. No message.
His loss...
My gain.
(CLOCK TICKING)
Where have you been?
I work my own hours.
You're not supposed
to take things.
That's what I do.
And look at this outfit.
Who ever heard of a burglar
wearing a baseball cap?
All right, look, let
me go over it again.
You come through the window
you wake him up, threaten me.
Do you think you
can handle that?
Is this some kind of
hospital or something?
Hospital?
(SIGHS)
Look, I'll wake him up.
You try to look...
Mean.
Oh, no! Oh, no! It's a burglar!
Balki, look, it's a robber!
Oh, oh, we're
going to be robbed!
And here I am
frozen with fear.
Oh, if only someone with courage
would jump up and save us.
Wait a minute.
What about you?
You can do it, Balki.
Don't be ridiculous.
He's got a gun.
He does?
You're not supposed
to have a gun.
That's real.
Oh! Oh, you're not, uh...
Oh, you're a burglar.
Oh, my God.
Uh, uh, don't
shoot. Please.
I am barely
in my mid 20's.
I have never been skiing.
I didn't mean to offend you.
I love your hat. It's
just that I make a lousy...
Shut up!
I can. I can do that.
I didn't talk through
the entire third grade.
Will you shut up?
You can't do that
to Cousin Larry.
Yes, I can.
Yes, he can.
You do that again
and you're in big trouble.
Balki, if the man wants to
shove me, let him shove me.
There, you heard it.
Yeah.
If you do that
one more time...
Why do you keep doing that?
Because I'm the one
that's got the gun.
Give me that.
All right, buster, reach
for the friendly skies!
You can put your hands down now.
Even better.
Not you.
Oh.
Down yours, up yours.
What your name is?
Uh, John Doe?
Put your hand out.
Shame on you, John Doe.
Breaking into
other people's houses
and taking things that
don't belong to you!
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
A-ha!
Yeah, you're right.
Whatever you just said.
Call the police, cousin.
Oh, you bet I will.
Help! Police! Help!
Help! Help! Police!
Boy, the police
department was fun.
I like that they
gave me ice-cream cone
and then, they let me
take my fingerprints.
Don't touch anything
until you wash your hands.
They even let me
stand in the line up.
It's just as well.
First prize is 20 years.
Well, I'm gonna turn in.
Wait 15 minutes.
I warm up your bed.
No. That is over.
Well, then it's back
to the bag on my head.
Balki, don't you
realize what you've done?
I did something wrong?
No, you saved my life.
You're a hero.
What you did took guts.
Really?
Yes.
Am I as brave as you?
Oh, you, I'm way down here
and you are way, way...
We are even.
Equals.
Two peas in a pod.
A couple of primodopoli.
But I don't
feel like a hero.
Somebody was pushing my
friend and I have to stop him.
Well, that's all I
did when I pushed you
out of the way of the taxi.
That's what you do when
you care about somebody.
You care about me?
Well...
I care about you too.
(LAUGHS)
Well...
Thank you...
For the service
and for saving my life.
Goodnight.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
looks perfect
* Nothing to rearrange
* Sometimes you just
* Get a feeling like you need
* Some kind of change
* No matter what
the odds are this time
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way
* This flame in my heart
* Like a long lost friend
* Gives every dark street
* A light at the end
* Standing tall
* On the wings of my dreams
* Rise and fall
* On the wings of my dreams
* The rain and thunder
* The wind and haze
* I'm bound for better days
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* It's my life and my dream
* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *
"Christmas Sales." Huh.
Give me a break.
"Mother Teresa."
(LAUGHS) You're out of luck.
"Motor Cycle Maidens..."
Think I'll save this
for my private moments.
Balki, it was no big deal.
It had better be.
You're 40 seconds late!
Cousin Larry just
did a great thing.
What did he do?
Tear up your green card?
This man, Larry Appleton,
just saved my life.
Balki, it was nothing.
I'll be the judge of that.
We were walking
across the street,
And this man pushed
me out of the way.
It was a reflex.
You risks your life
to save another.
In Mypos he would be
considered a very great man.
This is America.
Here, he's still
considered a jerk.
Don't listen him.
You're a hero.
What...
For what?
For running out into
the street and throwing my body
between you
and certain death?
Well, maybe a small hero.
No, cousin,
take it from me.
You're a big one.
In Mypos, if somebody
did what you just did,
he's no longer
a regular person.
He's lift up
to primodopolos.
Primo what?
Primodopolos.
Huh.
And, and I am
but a lowly sheepherder.
Balki, what are you doing?
He's basking in my, uh, glory.
Get up or get out.
Balki.
Balki, get up.
No.
Up.
No.
Up.
No!
I must bask
in your glory.
It's a custom of my people.
And it's a custom of my
people to earn a living.
And my custom is
bigger than your custom.
Now, get up!
Okay.
Okay.
But inside I'm still
basking like crazy.
SUSAN:
That was a great meal.
I didn't know Balki
could cook like that.
Well, it was
a little embarrassing.
I usually like to feed myself.
You did save his life.
He's just trying
to say thank you.
Well, don't me wrong.
It's just that in
Mypos they have rules.
What kind of rules?
Well, rules like Balki's
head must never be
higher than
the primodopolos'.
(LAUGHS)
Well, it is his culture.
See you later, hero.
She's right.
I did save his life.
If he wants to serve me,
who am I to complain?
Who am I to stand in
the way of his culture?
Did you want something?
I bring your Roman slippers.
I ironed them.
You ironed my slippers?
Tough to get a crease.
But anything for
a primodopolos.
Anything else I
can do for you?
No. I'd just like to
sit and read my mystery.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
(SIGHS) Balki, I just would
like to finish this book
so that I can go to bed.
You, you can't go to bed
until you finish that book?
That's right.
The Great-Aunt Phoebe did it.
She did not have
to be in a wheelchair.
She used to get up at
night, dress like a man,
and stab relatives.
That's right
(SIGHS)
Now, you can go to bed.
Is there anything
else I can do for you?
Balki, look.
I know you're doing this
because you feel you have to,
and I appreciate it.
It's just that...
Could we not do
the head thing?
Well... Actually
that rule is optional.
Good.
Then stop, now.
Up. Up. Up.
Good.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to watch a little TV.
All right.
Eh!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING ON TV)
(WHIRRING)
(WHIRRING CONTINUES)
Balki.
Balki, would you
come here, please?
A bit closer.
Closer.
Closer.
What are you doing?
I'm making your
lunch for tomorrow.
Sheep Wellington.
Well, thank you.
Balki, how long does this
primodopolos thing go on?
Forever.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Don't you ever,
ever do that again.
Don't worry.
What were you doing?
Trying to see if you were alive.
Well, obviously, I am.
And that makes me happier
than a tick on a sheepdog.
(SIGHS)
BALKI: Are you going to
stay mad at me long?
No. I am not going
to stay mad at you.
It's just
that you, you, you...
You scared me!
BALKI:
A hero can be scared?
Oh...
All right, not, not, not
scared but, uh, uh...
Surprised.
Look, Balki, I know
you're only trying
to take care
of me, and I
appreciate the thought,
but this has got
to come to an end.
(GRUNTING)
Why... Am I
tethered to the table?
So that you can't walk in your
sleep and fall out the window.
(MOUTHING)
Pretty smart, huh?
Now? No chance.
I'm going to untie myself now.
Goodnight.
Goodnight
LARRY: Balki!
* 'Cause we are living
* In a material world
* And I am a material boy
* You know that we are living
* In a material world
* And I am a material... *
Hello.
How are you this morning,
American hero?
Two hours late.
Someone turned off my alarm.
I wonder who that could be?
Me.
Oh!
I turned off it
so you could sleep in.
I have never been
late in my life.
Not in high school,
not in grade school.
I was born
three weeks early.
Oh! Thanks for
dropping by, Appleton.
Uh, I'm docking
you two hours' pay.
(LAUGHS)
Don't you give me
that face yet.
All right, Mr. Twinkacetti.
Two hours, what is it, huh?
A few paltry dollars?
Take it out of my salary.
That is your salary.
Balki, this whole thing
is getting out of hand.
I'm just not cut
out to be served.
Well, you have to be.
You're the primodopolos.
(SIGHS)
No, I'm not. I resign.
Wait. You can't do that.
It's for life.
I'm the primodopolos?
Yes, you are.
And anything I say goes?
You can't serve me anymore.
But if I can't serve
you, I've failed.
And if I've failed
the primodopolos,
then I'm a... Nebulopolos.
You'll get over it.
Sticks and stones.
That's just exactly what
they throw at nebulopoli.
I'm a disgrace.
I can't even show
my face in public.
Well, I'll just get
back to my sweeping.
* Nobody knows
* The trouble I've seen
* Nobody knows
* The sorrow *
Still wearing the bag?
Turnip, I like the look...
But it's scaring
away customers.
Thank you.
Not even fun to abuse anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I'll tell you what to do.
Go jump in front
of a taxi cab
and hope the turnip
pulls you out of the way.
And what if he doesn't?
Either way, your
problems are solved.
Thanks, but I
prefer a solution
that I can live through.
Well, sure.
Think of yourself.
Wait a minute, I got an idea.
I have a friend
who is an actor.
Why don't you just hire him
to break into the apartment,
make a little noise,
wake up the turnip,
and then run like hell?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, you mean it.
Uh, well...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well, uh, that's
a real, uh... Idea.
Uh, but, uh, uh,
I don't think so.
Huh! It's up to you.
You're the primopodomus.
What's the cost
on something like this?
50 bucks.
50?
I wouldn't be asking
him to do King Lear.
BALKI: Mr. Twinkacetti,
I can't find the basement.
(CLANGING)
I keep on looking.
Have him come
before midnight.
I don't wanna be up late.
All right.
Balki.
Balki.
Yeah, is Jimmy there?
He's in New York?
What's he doing there?
King Lear?
Uh, no, no. No message.
His loss...
My gain.
(CLOCK TICKING)
Where have you been?
I work my own hours.
You're not supposed
to take things.
That's what I do.
And look at this outfit.
Who ever heard of a burglar
wearing a baseball cap?
All right, look, let
me go over it again.
You come through the window
you wake him up, threaten me.
Do you think you
can handle that?
Is this some kind of
hospital or something?
Hospital?
(SIGHS)
Look, I'll wake him up.
You try to look...
Mean.
Oh, no! Oh, no! It's a burglar!
Balki, look, it's a robber!
Oh, oh, we're
going to be robbed!
And here I am
frozen with fear.
Oh, if only someone with courage
would jump up and save us.
Wait a minute.
What about you?
You can do it, Balki.
Don't be ridiculous.
He's got a gun.
He does?
You're not supposed
to have a gun.
That's real.
Oh! Oh, you're not, uh...
Oh, you're a burglar.
Oh, my God.
Uh, uh, don't
shoot. Please.
I am barely
in my mid 20's.
I have never been skiing.
I didn't mean to offend you.
I love your hat. It's
just that I make a lousy...
Shut up!
I can. I can do that.
I didn't talk through
the entire third grade.
Will you shut up?
You can't do that
to Cousin Larry.
Yes, I can.
Yes, he can.
You do that again
and you're in big trouble.
Balki, if the man wants to
shove me, let him shove me.
There, you heard it.
Yeah.
If you do that
one more time...
Why do you keep doing that?
Because I'm the one
that's got the gun.
Give me that.
All right, buster, reach
for the friendly skies!
You can put your hands down now.
Even better.
Not you.
Oh.
Down yours, up yours.
What your name is?
Uh, John Doe?
Put your hand out.
Shame on you, John Doe.
Breaking into
other people's houses
and taking things that
don't belong to you!
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
A-ha!
Yeah, you're right.
Whatever you just said.
Call the police, cousin.
Oh, you bet I will.
Help! Police! Help!
Help! Help! Police!
Boy, the police
department was fun.
I like that they
gave me ice-cream cone
and then, they let me
take my fingerprints.
Don't touch anything
until you wash your hands.
They even let me
stand in the line up.
It's just as well.
First prize is 20 years.
Well, I'm gonna turn in.
Wait 15 minutes.
I warm up your bed.
No. That is over.
Well, then it's back
to the bag on my head.
Balki, don't you
realize what you've done?
I did something wrong?
No, you saved my life.
You're a hero.
What you did took guts.
Really?
Yes.
Am I as brave as you?
Oh, you, I'm way down here
and you are way, way...
We are even.
Equals.
Two peas in a pod.
A couple of primodopoli.
But I don't
feel like a hero.
Somebody was pushing my
friend and I have to stop him.
Well, that's all I
did when I pushed you
out of the way of the taxi.
That's what you do when
you care about somebody.
You care about me?
Well...
I care about you too.
(LAUGHS)
Well...
Thank you...
For the service
and for saving my life.
Goodnight.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)