Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 4 - Lifesavers - full transcript

* Sometimes the world
Looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you
Just get a feeling

* Like you need
Some kind of change

* No matter what
The odds are this time

* Nothing's going
To stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream



* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

* We goin' ridin'
On the freeway of love

* Wind's against our back

* We goin' ridin'
On the freeway of love

* In a pink Cadillac *



Guess who has a date
with Bonnie Kleinschmidt?

Pat Sajak.

Close.

Me. Larry Appleton. Stud.

I have a date with
Bonnie Kleinschmidt.

Fourth runner-up in
the Miss Chicago Beauty Contest.

But I thought she always
laugh in your face
when you ask her out.

She's beautiful
when she laughs.

But she won't be laughing
in this face anymore.

I have two tickets to
the Bruce Springsteen Concert.

So that's how
you get dates.

You bribe them.

It's a method.

When I walk
into that stadium,

and say, "Whoa,
way to go, Appleton."

I'm happy for you.
Now let's go.

Where?
Where.

He broke his leg. Remember?

Yeah, I remember,
but I'm not going.

But...
You promised.

Does this mean we're not
going out for ice cream either?

Balki, I agreed to
our little field trip

before I had
a date with Bonnie.

I don't wanna risk missing
that date by getting sick.

Hospitals are
crawling with germs.

What germs is?

that cause sickness,
disease and death.

They're all over,
every place.

Are there any here now?

On this table, on that
couch, all over this can.

I don't see anything.

Nobody can see them.

See, germs are
little, tiny things
that travel through the air

and they get into your body,
and they make you sick.

Tell me about these
little invisible creatures.

Do they have a leader?

Okay, Balki.

You may not believe it,
but germs are real.
I should know.

Every time there was
something really important

in my life, germs
ruined it for me.

I missed my
sixth-grade graduation.

I missed the spelling bee,
and I was a shoo-in.

And I am not going to
miss Bonnie Kleinschmidt.

Okay, I'll go to the hospital.

You stay here.
I'll go visit our boss.

And when he says,
"Where's Appleton?"

I'll say, "Oh, him?

Okay, five minutes. No more.

Don't worry, I'll
watch out for germs.

(THUMPS)

Got him.

Boy, American
hospitals are wonderful.

Do they keep the animals
on another floor?

Yes.

Now, can we just say,
"Get well,"

A Mypos army helmet.

Balki.

Balki, take that off.
It is not a helmet.

What is it?
It's, oh...
It's not a helmet.

Okay, now we
have three minutes.

WOMAN:
(OVER PA SYSTEM)
Telephone, please, Dr. Klein.

Hello, Mr. Twinkacetti.

Don't tell me, you're
here for your lobotomy.

No, we didn't come for fun.
We came to visit you.

Hello, Mr. Twinkacetti.

I'm, I'm sorry
about your leg.

Whoa. Before you go,
uh, here, lower my leg.

Use the crank, and you
hold my foot gently.

It hurts.

Gently.
Uh...

Stuck.
Stuck?

Well, yeah, just
press the release.

No!
(SCREAMING)

Get out!

Out! Get out!

Oh, boys, you
came to visit.

We heard the fun all
the way down the hall.

Yeah, we're having a big time.

Edwina, my pet.
Oh, you brought
the children.

Larry, Balki, these are our
children, Donnie and Marie.

Well, it's very
nice to meet you.

And what a pretty little girl.

I'm sorry we can't
stay and chat.

(SNEEZES)

Marie, please. Cover your
mouth when you sneeze.

You don't wanna give
everybody your germs.

Germs.
I'm outta here.

(SNEEZES)

(SNEEZES)

Oh.

Good morning.
And how are you today?

How am I today?

Isn't it obvious how I am today?

(SNEEZES)

You made a mess.

Balki, I am sick,
and it is all your fault.

It is?
Yes.

You were what?
Doobed.

Doo-bed?

Doobed, doobed, doobed!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Who is this?
This is Balki.

Would you get
off the phone?

Who is this?

Oh, hello, Bonnie.

Yeah, oh, well, I'm
looking forward to it too.

Hmm?

Oh, uh, no, no, well,
you sound funny too.

It's a bad connection.

(SNEEZES)

God bless you, Balki.

Thank you.

I'll pick you
up at seven, okay?

Okay, bye-bye.

All right, I can do this.

I need vitamins,
I need liquids.

(SNEEZING)

Cousin, you need a miracle.

(SNEEZES)

(GROANS)

Cousin, I got all
the vitamins you wanted.

LARRY: Thank you.

You sound terrible.

Of course,
I sound terrible.

There's a war
going on in there.

Who's winning?

I'm going to win this one.

Germs made me
miss my junior prom.

But I am not going to
miss Bonnie Kleinschmidt.

Why don't you cancel
this date and ask her out

again sometime when
you can feel better?

Oh, sure, just ask her
out some other time.

Why don't I wait
for Halley's Comet

to fly through
my living room?

Well, I had an uncle
who was hit by a meteor.

I bet you did.

I am not giving
up this time.

I got my A, I got my B,
I got my C, I got my D.

Yeah, put them all together
and what do they spell?

You can take those little pills.
They probably won't hurt you.

But if you really want to get
well, you've got to get serious.

Now, I've got your garlic.

I've got your wolfbane.

And I've got
your pumpkin mold.

What is that?

Well, you take a pumpkin
and you put it out
in the backyard until it rots.

And then this fuzzy
blue stuff comes...

I know what mold is.

Why did you buy it?

Well, I'm the one that
made you go to the hospital.

So the least I can do is
make you better for your date.

Now, the wolfbane
is for your runny nose.

The pumpkin mold
is for your cough.

And the garlic just makes
you feel good all over.

And I bet it
keeps away vampires.

Well, that's
a side benefit.

Balki, why don't you
go into the kitchen

and try to turn
some lead into gold?

Leave me alone.

A, A, A, A.

B, B, B, B.

Cousin, I really
can make you better.

How?

No, those things are only
to make you feel better

while I cook you
this secret Mypos cure.

It's the only thing
that will make you well.

A cure?

Balki, I have a cold.

All of medical science has
been trying for centuries

to find a cure for the common
cold, and have failed.

Now you're telling me
that Mypos,
a country with one phone...

A country where
only the royal family
has indoor plumbing...

A country where the foremost
spectator sport is
spitting for distance...

Tiny, little
Mypos has the cure?

Yes.

I'll stick with modern
medicine, thank you.

(CHOKING)

(COUGHING)

LARRY: (SNEEZES)

LARRY: (GROANING)

Not working, is it?

It's working just fine.

I can't breath, but my
skin is soft and supple.

You've wasted almost the whole
day with this hocus-pocus.

Are you ready to try
the garlic necklace now?

Balki, get that away from me.
It smells terrible.

You see? It's working already.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Don't you have
something else to do?

Well, excuse me
for being well.

I'm sorry.
I'm on edge.

I have an hour
and a half to get well

or I'm gonna miss
the date of my life.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm not gonna make it.

Maybe you'd feel better
if you got dressed.

Maybe I will.

My mother used
to say that.

She'd say, "Larry, if you get up

"and get dressed,
and go to school
you'll feel better."

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

She lied.

I always got up, I got
dressed, I went to school.

I never felt better.

The germs have won again.

No prom for Larry Appleton.

Is that it?
Are you giving up
just like that?

Call Bonnie Kleinschmidt.

Tell her I died in my sleep.

Oh, and tell her I was rich.

Why should she be happy?

You get up.

You don't give up like that.

Balki, it's over.

I've tried everything.

You've tried everything?

I've tried everything.

I make the secret
Mypos cure for you.

It's finished, it's sitting
right there in the kitchen

in case anybody should want it.

Balki, don't
you understand?

I have to pick Bonnie up
in an hour and a half.

It works in 20 minutes.

But, Balki,
that makes no sense.

It goes against 200 years
of medical science.

Well, then I'll just
flush it down the toilet.

All right, all right.

I've tried
everything else.

Why not?

Give me the Mypos cure.

What was that?

Give me the Mypos cure.

Give you the Mypos cure?

You, who make fun of my
country's medicine all day long?

You, who thinks
little, tiny people
are fighting up your nose?

Give you the Mypos cure?

You're gonna make this
hard for me, aren't you?

Well, of course, I'm not.

All I want you to do
is say the magic words.

What? Please.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

What?

What?

I want you to say,
"I believe."

I believe.
Like you mean it.

(GROANING)

I believe.

I knew you would.

It's okay. When I'm well,
I'll renounce everything.

I heard that.

Now, first, let me warn
you, it tastes terrible.

It doesn't matter.
I can't taste anything anyway.

And it looks terrible.
Oh, my Lord.

What, what's in that?
It's a secret.

I can imagine.

Well, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.

That's for back pain.

This is fish parts and herbs.

Oh, I, I'll be right back.

What did you do?

I drank it. You're
right, it's disgusting.

That was enough
for a whole village.

This...

This...

This...

Was how much you
were supposed to take.

So? It's just
herbs and fish parts.

A little is good,
a lot is better.

(MUMBLING)

Well, how long
does it take to work?

Well, I'm waiting.
I don't feel anything.

Balki...

I can see...
Through you.

(GROANING)

Cousin.

Are you waking up?

Whoa.

Whoa...

That was some
potent stuff.

I bet you're feeling
like a million digdas.

I feel fantastic!

(INHALES DEEPLY)
I can breath.

I feel better than I have
felt... In my entire life.

Balki, that is
a miracle cure.

Well, I'm glad
you're feeling better.

There's something
we've got to talk about.

I have 15 minutes to
get ready for my date.

Balki, how can
I ever thank you?

Well, before you...
Balki...

You should
bottle that stuff.

Do you realize
what you have there?

An herbal medicine
that can cure

a person in
less than an hour.

Why is the evening
paper so thick?

Well, because it's
Sunday's paper.

Sunday? I have been
asleep for 24 hours?

Well, no.
Oh.

Actually, it's Tuesday.

I have been asleep
for three days?

Three days?

What happened to "Thank you,
Balki, for the miracle?"

Three days!

Well, if you had taken
just a teaspoonful,

like you were supposed to,
you would have taken

just a nice, little
20-minute nap.

But you had to gobble
down the whole thing.

So you took 216
little 20-minute naps.

I counted.

I missed my one-shot date
with Bonnie Kleinschmidt.

Well, we gotta
talk about that, too.

After you were asleep, Bonnie
called and she was very excited
about seeing Bruce Springsteen.

So I did just what
you told me to do.

I told her you were dead.

And then I...
Took her out myself.

You took out my date?

Well, of course,
I did. You were dead.

But you didn't
miss anything.

When we got there,
Bonnie ran off

with some guy who
had front-row tickets.

You slept through that
humiliating experience.

I lived it.

Well, I'm, I'm sorry that
you had to go through that.

I... Guess I've
been a little rude.

Insensitive.

Inconsiderate.

Stop me anytime now.
No, you're doing fine.

Well, I realize you had
my best interests at heart.

I did.

And I know I
should not have

forced the Mypos
cure on you...

Even though it was
the best thing for you.

Well, let's not
fight about it.

I mean, you have your
ways and I have my ways.

Exactly.

Who's to say who's right?

You say tomato
and I say tomato.

Good point.

At least it
wasn't a total loss.

You got to see
Bruce Springsteen.

Oh, he didn't show up.

He had the flu and was
smart enough to stay home.

They rescheduled
the concert for next week.

You can go then with
Bonnie Kleinschmidt.

No, I don't think so.

I think I'll give this ticket
to somebody who deserves it.

Somebody who
knows Larry Appleton.

Someone who likes
Larry Appleton.

Someone who's related
to Larry Appleton.

Why not?
You spent the last three days
taking care of me, didn't you?

I dusted you every morning.

What do you say you
and I use these tickets?

(SNEEZES)

Germs.