Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 2, Episode 6 - Ladies & Germs - full transcript

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kind of change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand
in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams



* On the wings of my dreams

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* My life

* My dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now

* My life

* My dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Watch out, Gilligan.

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

Skipper's got a frying pan.



(METAL CLANGS ON TV)

Oh, Gilligan.

You are one dumb cookie.

Balki.

You're not gonna
believe it.
(TV STOPS)

Here, read this.

"Dear sirs,

"The ma-nage-ment--"

"is happy to inform you..."

"That you are the winners
of a state-of-the-art
double-door refrigerator."

Yes!

BALKI: "Refrigerator

"or a free trip for two

"to ex-ci-ting Las Vegas."

BOTH:
* Hey!

(BOTH VOCALIZING)

BOTH:
* Hey, hey, hey

* Hey, hey, hey, hey! *

I've always dreamed
of going to Vegas.

Well, dream on
because we're taking
the refrigerator.

What's wrong with Vegas?

Are you kidding?

Vegas is a moral wasteland.

When were you in Vegas?

Well, I...
(STAMMERING) Never.

But I saw Ocean's Eleven.

All Vegas is is gambling,

flashing lights,
big name entertainers

and showgirls
in skimpy costumes.

You're right, let's pack.

(VOCALIZING)

* Hey, hey, hey, hey

* Hey *

Balki!

It even talks to you.

It tells you when you
leave the door open.

It tells when
you're low on eggs.

When you eat too much,
it talks down to you.

I want to go to Vegas.

Well, my name was
on the entry too

and I want
the refrigerator.

and here I am.

To go one of the most famous
place in the world.

And... And you want
a refrigerator?

It has a lettuce crisper.

Cousin, I know
a way to decide.

Put your hands
out like this.

In Mypos, this is how
the parents choose
a bride for their son.

* Dimbodega dimbodega

* Dabodega smack

* Bobedega dimbodega

* Bimbodega hack *

That's a ridiculous way
to decide anything.

That's what
the groom usually say.

This is America.

Now, you call it.

Heads!

Drat.

I lose.
I always lose.

Vegas!
Here we come!

Oh, cousin, we're going
to have an adventure.

Well, I'll go.

But I won't have any fun.

But of course not.
I wouldn't expect you to.

It's everything
I dreamed Vegas would be.

Me, too.

Oh, look.

Somebody left
a beautiful pen.

(GASPS)

Look, free champagne!

Sure, they want
you to get drunk
so you'll gamble more.

Don't touch this until
we get back to Chicago.

Now, I'm gonna put
my luggage in my room

Now, that's great art.

The whole village
could sleep on this.

"Magic fingers,
25 cents."

(BED BUZZING)

Vegas.

Cousin Larry,
come here!

Don't tell me.

You found the stationery.

Wayne Newton is here!

He is the biggest selling
record artist on Mypos.

The man is a legend.

We must go see him.

* Danke schoen, darling,
Danke schoen

Okay.

Thank you.

Well, I did make a list
of some fun things to do.

I thought at 11:00,

That'll get us
back here by 4:30.

Then it's a 15-minute walk
to the Liberace museum.

An hour for the tour,
if we, uh, skip
the shoe collection.

And then we can end the day
with a nice desert walk.

Cousin Larry,
you are leaving out
the most fun thing of all.

The casino.

No, no.
Absolutely no casinos.

Why not?

To take all the fun
out of the trip.

To protect you.

Who Uncle Pete?

Uncle Pete was a gambler.

He gambled away
everything he owned.

His car, his house.
We never did find
Aunt Susan.

And that's why
you can't go
into a casino.

(SOBBING) I want
to go to casino.

All right, maybe...

After the desert walk
and before Wayne Newton

we can walk
through the casino.

Oh, boy!

But no stopping.

Ohh, boy.

We should have taken
the refrigerator.

Well, it's a little
late for that now.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

MAN 1: Place your bets.

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

MAN 2: Do it.

What... What is this?

This is the bar.

But, what was that
we just ran through?

That was the casino.

Cousin, why
you didn't tell me?

I want to see
the casino.
Hey!

You got a great view
from right here.
Look at them.

You wanna become one of those
miserable souls out there?
(BELL RINGS)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Yes.

No, you don't.

(BELL RINGS)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Boy, they're hiding
it well.

Balki, you just sit down,
order a drink and I'll go
get our tickets.

But I want to--
Balki, sit.

Stay. Stay.

Remember Uncle Pete.

MAN 1: No more breaks.
MAN 2: Yes, sir.

Hi, there.

Wanna have a good time?

Well, I've already been
to the Liberace Museum.

Let's start again.

Hello, Wendy.

Are you a show girl?

I love the theater.

Look, so do you wanna
party or what?

Oh, I'd love
to go to a party.

Can I bring cousin Larry?

I got the tickets.

Cousin Larry,
this is Wendy.

Hello, Cousin Larry.

Hello, Wendy.

Balki, what are you doing
with this woman?

Shooting the breeze.

She wants to
go to a party.

I bet she does.

Uh...

This man has no money.

Hi, there.
Wanna have a good time?

Balki...

What were you
doing with her?

Don't you know what that
woman does for a living?

Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.

She does Hamlet
in a rubber suit.

No?

Well, let's just
say that, uh,

BOTH: Ohh!

Ohh!

(CHUCKLING)

She's a sheepherder.

That's right.

Why don't you and I
go get ready for the show?

Oh, we have
plenty of time.

I have... A quarter.

I want to hit the slots.

All right. This will
be a good lesson for you.

until you throw
your money away.

Go ahead, put your money
in the machine,

pull the handle

There, I hope you're happy.

(BELL RINGING)

I love Vegas!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

So, this is what
a casino looks like.

Different when
you're not running.

Okay, you've seen it.

If you stay here,
you'll catch the fever.

What fever?

I hit $150 jackpot.

Balki, I forbid you
to stay here.

Well, papa, don't preach.

I'm a big boy now.
I can look after myself.

That's just what
Uncle Pete said

just before he gambled
away his pacemaker.

Cousin, I am going
to go gambling.

All right, all right.
Fine.

This will be
a good lesson.

You've had the thrill
of victory,

What is this game?

It's called Roulette.

The odds are
really against you.

Why don't you try it?

All right, if you think
I should.

* Dimbodega dimbodega
dabodega... *

Good, 32.

Number 32.

This is fun.

Can you teach me how
to spin the marble?

No.

Bets.

All right, we don't
have much time

if we wanna see
Wayne Newton.

I'm gonna have to help you
lose your money.

How much
should we bet?

and you'll be broke
and miserable.

Good strategy.

Number 36.

Cousin, you won!

I can't get a break.

Oh, I lose.

Now, how do you feel?

Believe me,
you're a better person for it.

Now, soon as I lose
the rest of your money
we can go to the show.

Number 36.

Cousin, you did
pretty good.

Yeah, I guess I would be,
if I was trying to win.

Let's try my birthday.

Cousin, almost time
for Wayne show.

No, Balki, I can't leave.
I still have this money
to lose for you.

But, Wayne is waiting.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

Here's your ticket
to the show.

I'll catch up with you
as soon as I lose this.

Number 24.

I win. I win!

Are you sure
you don't mind?

Hmm?

Cousin, are you
all right?

I'm fine.
I'll see you at the show.

Why don't you come now?
No, you go ahead.

Save my seat.

* Danke Schoen... *

Okay, baby needs
a new pair of shoes.

Double down, boxcars,
let it ride.

Number 24, again.

Yes, yes!

Come on, 12.
Lucky number 12.

Number 22.

I was gonna bet 22.

Okay, give me 22.

Cousin.
What, what?

I waited and waited
for you.

(STAMMERING)
And I worried for you.

Why you didn't come
to see Wayne?

Well, I would have
but I, uh...

I, uh, I sold my ticket.

Number 12.

Okay, come on.
Give me six, 12, 22

and all the blacks.

Why you sold your ticket?

Gambling takes money.

Well, you have
plenty of money.

You can never
have enough money.

Cousin, I'm confused.

Well, school's out.

Come on, six,
12, 22 and all the blacks.

Number seven.

Red.

Cousin, where
you got those chips?

I sold my plane ticket.

You sold your plane ticket?

How are you going
to get home?

Don't worry.

I think you take after

One more time
for number 12.

No, no. I don't
let you do that.

No, Balki, just put
those on the 12.

No, no.
No, Balki, wait.

Oh, look,
there's Wayne Newton.

Wayne!
Everything on the 12.

Spin it. Spin it.

You tricked Balki.

You used Wayne's
name in vain.

I can't let you
gamble away

everything like
your Uncle Pete.

(CHATTER STOPS)

Balki...

Why don't you the nice men
back their marble?

Not until you promise
to stop gambling.

(CHUCKLES)
He just doesn't understand
good, clean fun.

Promise.

All right, good.

(CHATTER RESUMES)

Don't you ever,
ever do that again.

Now, go to your room.

I'm not going anywhere.
I lied.

Well, then,
I lied too.

Balki, give me back
those chips!

Number 12.

No, no.

Balki! Balki!

Here's Larry!

I want my money!

(SCREAMS) Argh!

It's all right.

Everything's all right.

I forgive you.

I know you're here.
(SNIFFING)

I can smell my chips.

Whoa...

Well...

(YELLING AND GRUNTING)

(YELLS)

(BUZZING)
BOTH: Ooh!

(GRUNTING)

Give me my chips.

(LARRY PANTING)

(YELLING)

There is no Cousin Larry.

There's only Lucky Larry!

And I'm going
for the big jackpot!

I'm gonna blow
this town wide open!

Now, give me my chips.

You don't know
what you're doing.

I know exactly
what I'm doing.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Uncle Pete!

Oh! Oh, my God.

What's happening?

Well, I'm no expert.

But as far as I can tell,

you just went off
the deep end.

I don't know
what's happening to me.

I... I thought I came along
to protect you.

And, uh, now look at me.

I sold my
Wayne Newton ticket.

I sold my plane ticket.

I sold the free champagne.

I'm...

I'm a compulsive gambler.

No, you are not.

You're just a regular person
who got caught up

in the excitement
of Vegas.

Am I?

Well, you don't bet
on the football pools

or the horses at home,
do you?

That's true.

you told me not
to waste my money.

I did, I did.

Do you feel
like gambling now?

of another casino
for as long as I live.

(EXCLAIMING IN FRUSTRATION)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Come again?

You're problem is,
you either go too far

or you don't go at all.

I've always had trouble
with the middle.

Cousin, you just need
some practice having fun.

I could help you.

For instance, this weekend,
we could have little fun.

Then next weekend, we could
have a little more fun.

And then in a couple of years,

you could be
a real party animal,

like me.

Do you think so?

Well, of course I do.

And don't worry
about your plane ticket.

I'll loan you the money.
Oh, Balki, thank you.

I owe you a lot.

I know.

I would?
I would. I would.

That's nice.

Now, let's go
do something fun.

Can we catch
Wayne Newton's second show?

Now, you're talking.

Larry Appleton, you're going
to be one fun guy.

* Danke Schoen... *

(SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

BOTH:
* When you tore your dress

* What a mess *