Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 4 - Baby, You Can Drive My Car - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC)

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need some
kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's going
to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream



* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

That's the last one.

Darn. One more and we would've
had a perfect pyramid.

Why don't we use this one?
No, Balki, no.

What? Perfect.



Obviously, you don't know
the first thing about physics.

Morning, gentlemen.
And I use the word incorrectly.

Good morning,
Mr. Twinkacetti.

Ha.

Oh, look what you got,
you lucky son of a goat.

It's my driver's license.
I just got it renewed.

Congratulations.

Oh, to get an official
document like that

must make you so aroused.

Oh, it's a wonderful thing,
a driver's license.

I don't have
a driver's license.

And I want to thank you both

for letting me hang out
with you anyway.

What are you talking about?
Your driver's license.

Your membership card
to the American dream.

Balki, it's only
a driver's license.

Only a driver's license?

Is the Lincoln Memorial
only a building?

Is Mount Rushmore
only a chunk of stone?

Is Merv Griffin
only a talk show host?

Well, it's hard to argue
when you put it like that.

Didn't you have a driver's
license back in Mypos?

Well, we only had one car.

My family only had one car.
My country only had one car.

Which is a good thing

Come on, Twinkacetti, Balki
could get a driver's license.

I could?
Sure.

That doesn't
make any difference.

You can still get
a driver's license.

You're teasing Balki.
No. It's no big deal.

All you need is someone
to teach you how to drive.

Will you teach me?
Well, sure.

I'm your friend.

In your car?

Uh, in my car?

Uh, Balki, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Why not?

I mean, my car
is very special to me.

I spent years saving nickels
and dimes so that I could...

I mean, it's not that
I don't trust you.

It's just that, uh...
Well, see, uh...

How can I say this?

That's it.

Well, that's not entirely it.

Well, that's not true.
Fifty bucks says he can't.

I'm not even gonna
dignify that with a response.

Translated, that means your pal
doesn't think you can do it.

(CHUCKLES)

Put your money
where your mouth is.

All right, you got a bet.
And I'll teach him in my car.

You will?
Did I say it?

Yes.
Damn.

You're on.

It's gonna be like
taking candy from a baby.

I haven't done that
in a while either.

My very own driver's license.

I can't wait to hit the highway.

(SINGING)

I volunteered my car.

Please, God,
tell me I didn't make a mistake.

Was that a yes or a no?

Cousin Larry, I have been
looking at the manuel.

The manuel?
The driving manuel.

The driving manuel. Well, you
can't study that too much.

I read every day for a week.
That's good.

You said when I have read the
manual and memorized the rules,

you would give me my lesson
in front of the wheel.

That's behind the wheel.
And see?

That's what I'm talking about.

But you promised to teach me.

I know, I know.

At least until my car
depreciates another year.

Okay. A promise
is a promise.

All right, come on.

Okay.

Now, let's pretend
that this is my car.

Oh, poh-poh.

You don't trust me
in a real car?

I think we should
get some practice

before we get into
an actual moving

life-threatening motor vehicle.

Now, get in the car.

Don't you ever,
ever do that again.

What?
You slammed the door.

Well, it's a little
hard to remember

when you're driving
a coffee table.

Okay. Now.

You got your steering wheel

your brake, gear shift,
accelerator.

Make sure it's in park
and start it up.

Cousin,
there's nothing here.

Don't you think it would
be easier in your car?

Easier for you,
not for me.

All right, look, I'll build you
a little driving simulator.

This is your gear shift.

The frozen broccoli
is your accelerator.

And the grapefruit
is your brake.

Did you give me the key?

What are you doing?
Sunglasses.

Buckle up.
Start the car.

Okay. Now, put your foot
on the brake.

On the brake,
the grapefruit. Good.

Now, put it in drive

and slowly, slowly,
give it a little broccoli.

And just pull out
into traffic.

Okay. Good.

Now, we're cruising
down the street.

A little broccoli,
a little broccoli.

Okay, not so fast.
Not so fast.

There's a lot of traffic.

This window
too much on you?

It's fine.

Now, what I'm gonna do is

throw a few emergency
situations your way, okay?

Is that all right? Good.

Look out!
Ahhh!

Now, that's rule number one.

The driver
never ever covers his eyes.

Why you did that?

I didn't see it.

Well, I was busy avoiding
the runaway baby carriage.

What runaway baby carriage?

All right.

there's no point
in teaching you.

I'll do better.
Okay.

around the living room before
the accelerator defrosts.

And if you don't hit anything,
we'll, uh...

Oh, thank you, Cousin Larry.
Don't worry, I'll be careful.

Okay.

Next time, buckle up.
It's the law.

SUSAN:
Balki, what happened?

I had an accident
in Cousin Larry's car.

Oh, no. Was anybody hurt?

Unfortunately, I lived.

...seven, eight, nine, 10.
Larry, what happened?

Not now, I'm counting
to a thousand.

What happened?
LARRY: What happened?

What happened?
He is what happened.

We were practicing parking
at the supermarket

when all of a sudden this
runaway shopping cart

came hurtling across
the lot right at us.

A shopping cart?
A hurtling shopping cart.

I told you to hit the brake.
Yes, but you confused me.

You keep shouting, "Hit the
grapefruit! Hit the grapefruit!"

And I cannot remember is it
brake or gas, the grapefruit.

Couldn't remember?
It's the brake. It's the brake.

Grapefruit is the brake.
Who doesn't know that?

The point is the cart plowed
right into my front fender.

Oh, cousin, l know you
never can forgive me.

I was a fool to think that
ever I could have a license

like a real American.

Balki.

No. I am the lowest
form of life.

I am a car butcher.

According to Mypos custom,
I have to go far away

and cover my face
in shame.

Goodbye.

I hate these old customs.

(CRYING)

(CRYING)

Balki. Balki.

Balki, I'm sorry.

It's just that it's my car
and it's your fault.

No, no, no. I mean,
I didn't mean to say that.

I-I overreacted. I owe you
an apology. I'm sorry.

I was more concerned
about my car than your feelings.

No, you were right.

I am a lowly immigrant
who dared to dream.

Don't talk like that.

I don't deserve
a driver's license.

I don't even deserve
a library card.

I would probably be arrested
for speed reading.

Things don't always come easy.

It wasn't easy for you
to pack up and come to America.

You found me.
You found a job.

You found a place to live.
That was tough.

And you're not a quitter.
You know why?

I give up. Why?

* For amber waves of grain...

Because you were born with the
desire to make yourself better.

That's why you came to America.

Hanging in there is part of what
the American spirit is about.

Yes.

* America
America *

When you fall off that horse,
you've to climb back

and show it who's boss.

Never say die.

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try again.

You mean, if I live in a glass
house, I must not throw stones.

Yeah, uh...

You can fool some of
the sheep all of the time

but you can't fool some of
the sheep all of the time.

Yes, yes, yes.
Whatever works for you.

The point is I don't want you
to lose your confidence.

I believe in you.

And to prove it, I want you
to go out there this afternoon

and use my car
to take that test.

Cousin Larry, you'll
let me use your car again?

Yes.

Cousin Larry,
Dimitri,

if you trust me
that much, I'll do it.

Great.

I'll get back on that horse.
You bet ya.

I'll show it who's boss.
That's the spirit.

Cousin Larry?
What?

Let go the key.
I'm trying. I'm really trying.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Nervous?

Of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.

Backwards?
It's a figure of speech.

There's one question I have
to ask you about the manuel.

If four persons come to a
four-way stop at the same moment

and the man on my right has the
right of way, who goes first?

Because everybody
has somebody on his right.

That's why you buy insurance.
Thank you.

I'm very nervous.

Next.

Well, come on.
I don't have all day.

Hey, you lucked out.
You got a good one.

Okay, your first name
is spelled B-A-L-K--

K-I. K-I.

Balki Bartokomous.

Current address, 6--
627 Lincoln Boulevard.

Your place of birth?

Who's this, your ventriloquist?

No, this my Cousin Larry.

You, see the eye chart?

Yes, I see it.
Boy, that was an easy test.

Cover the left eye,
please.

Your left or my left?

Your left. My right.

Take your hand off my face.

Read the first line.

BALKI: "E."

Cover the other eye.

Uncover the left eye.

What's the last line
you can read?

"Copyright 1963. Printed
in Hicksville, New York."

By somebody named
Pat Pending.

Okay. I'll give that to you.

You see, Larry?
I passed the eye test.

See? All that
studying paid off.

Here's your written test.
Over there.

All right, now take your time.

Uh, excuse me. Cousin Larry,
you're getting on my nerves.

I'm sorry, it's just that
getting a driver's license

is very important to him.

Yes, right. No problem. I know
you live with a lot of stress.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I have finished.

I think my friend here may
have made a hasty act here.

Cousin, relax. I may be nervous,
but I know my Gs and Us.

That's Ps and Qs.
I didn't know that.

Okay, one wrong.

One wrong? One wrong,
Balki, that's great.

I got one wrong?
Only one. That's fantastic.

I got one wrong?
It's okay. You passed.

You must have made a mistake.

I demand a recount.

No, Balki.
Balki, let it go.

I knew I was right.

I'm sorry. All out
of little gold stars.

What about a little happy face?

Balki, you've gotta
be nice to these people.

If that man was your
driving examiner,

you'd be in
a lot of trouble.

Let's go.

On this part of the test, you're
only allowed three mistakes.

Where's your car?
In front.

In the red zone?
That's one.

I told you
all sales are final.

Listen, sister, look behind
your TV. Do you see me there?

There's your answer.

Those nuns are so pushy.

Is Balki here?
I can't find him.

He went for his driver's test
two hours ago

and never came back.

You lost your car?
You lost the bet. Pay me.

He could be lying out
there injured.

How can you think of money?

Easy, I'm not a nice person.
Now, pay me.

Balki, you're alive.

Yes, I think so.
I have to sit down.

Get the man a chair.
What happened? I was worried.

I tried to call you
from the hospital,

but the phones were being used.

The hospital?
You were in the hospital?

I didn't want to get on the
expressway, but I got confused.

You're not supposed to be
on the expressway.

I know, but I said to him,
"You want to take a left?"

And he said, "Right." So...

Frank and me were
on the expressway

in the middle of rush hour.

I don't know why
they call it rush hour

because nothing moves.

Who is Frank?

That grumpy guy from
the driver's license store.

The one who had
a heart attack.

Frank had a heart attack?

Well, no. It turns out
what he had was a bad lunch.

A salami sandwich, French fries
and two chili dogs.

Nice guy, but he had
more gas than Exxon.

You're breaking
my heart, eh?

You're really enjoying
this, aren't you?

Human suffering is my thing.

Suffer this.

You got it?
You got it?

(LAUGHING)

You got it!

Frank was so happy
he wasn't dead

that he gave me
my driver's license.

Excuse me a moment.

(SCREAMS)

Hey, but we had fun, didn't we?

Uh, Mr. Twinkacetti.

All right, the money. Okay.

So my kid misses Christmas.

Balki, you did it.
I'm proud of you.

Thank you,
Cousin Larry.

when I was ready
to throw up the towel.

Beautifully put. But you're
the one who passed the test.

Yes, but I was ready
to be a quitter

and give up my part
of the American dream.

But you wouldn't let me.

Instead, you had faith in me

and you trusted me
with your car.

Well, trust is what
friendship is all about.

And you didn't even
worry about your car.

I never gave it a thought. Did
you put on the parking brake?

Of course I did.
Don't be ridiculous.

Larry Appleton,
you are the best friend

this Mediterranean
sheepherder ever had.

Thanks.

What do you say
we go out and celebrate?

It's on Twinkie.
Where are the car keys?

Oh, they're nice and safe.
I locked them in the car.

(THEME MUSIC)