Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 3 - First Date - full transcript

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothin' to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feelin'

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze



* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life
and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me

* Nothin's gonna stop me

* It's my life
and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

* Nothin's gonna stop me now *

Hi, Larry.
Oh, hi, Susan.

The mailman put this
in my box by mistake.

Another letter from Ed McMahon.

I feel bad about
not getting back to him.

Susan.
Hi, Balki.

Let me bathe
in your beauty.



All right, up.
Bath time is over.

You'll have
to forgive Balki.

(CHUCKLING)

Susan, let me shine
your shoes with my heart.

He is so cute.

Balki, save something
for your honeymoon.

See ya.
Bye-bye, Susan.

Goodbye, love goddess.

You don't do that
to other women.

I don't know any other women.

Well, maybe you should
go out and meet some.

Easy for you,
you're a happening guy.

Well, true.
But anybody can do it.

I mean, you see a woman,
you smile.

Pay her a compliment,
ask her her name.

It's easy.

(MOUTHING)

Can I help you?
Uh, yeah.

Do you have any sweatshirts?
Right over there.

Ah, fantastic.
Yes.

And speaking of fantastic,
you have perfect bone structure

for having babies.

What your name is?
Uh, excuse me.

Oh, I see. It's written on
the back of your pants.

"Levi Strauss."

Hello, Levi.
My name is Balki.

Hey, where do you
get off anyway?

Well, I got off in New York, but
then I took the bus to Chicago.

It's my kind of town,
Chicago is.

Levi, after work, do you want
to have a happy hour with me?

Excuse me,
he means no harm.

He's from another country.
And he has a head injury.

Don't you give me that face.

I did what you told me.
It didn't work.

Balki, that's not
how you meet women.

That's how muggers
meet women.

If I pick any losers,
I'll think of you.

Move it. Move it.
Get away from my money.

Well, that's easy.

You see a woman, you offer her
50 bucks, not a penny more.

I don't think that's the kind
of date he's talking about.

Well, bite my tongue.

That mean I don't get to play
St. Francis in the school play?

Balki, you gotta go to a place
where single women hang out.

Maybe you should
go to a singles bar.

Oh, a singles bar.
I have seen that on TV.

"Give me a light.
Go for the gusto."

"Here's to good friends."

Will you come with me,
Cousin Larry?

Tonight is kinda special.

No, Balki.

I prefer more formal
situations, you know, uh,

weddings, tax audit,
Heimlich maneuver.

Oh, please, Cousin.

No, I just don't like
those kinds of places.

Please, you have to go with me.
You're the love expert.

I don't think so.

Oh! Bobo.

I see. You're afraid if I learn
the secrets of your power

I'll misuse it.

Yes, that's it.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

So, this is one of your
American mating places?

Meeting. A meeting place.

People meet each other here.
They mate somewhere else.

So many beautiful women.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

You know, you're right.

You really know your stuff,
Cousin Larry.

Well, I think
I'll pick out my woman now.

This is not a cafeteria.

I know how to be cool.

Hey, mama. You be getting
down with your bad self.

What are you doing?

Everyone is looking at us.
I don't like that.

Now, the first thing
is what we call eye contact.

Eye contact.
Like the Three Stooges?

(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

All right, I'm gone, outta here.
No, no, Cousin, Cousin.

Okay, okay.

Look, for safety's sake, we had
better define eye contact.

You look, you look
into a woman's eyes
from across the room.

And if she looks back, you know,
you kind of hold the look.

That's eye contact.

Like that woman is
looking at you?

What woman?

Don't point.

She must be looking
at someone else.

(CLEARING THROAT)

you work your way
over to the woman

and you use your
opening line.

Something like,
"Do you come here often?"

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Didn't we meet
in the Oval Office?"

Things like that.

Okay.

I have made eye contact.

Oh, boy.
Can I try my opening line?

All right, go ahead.
Just don't tell her you know me.

Hello.

Do you come here often?
No.

Would you smother me with
your beautiful American body?

Excuse us.

You were one step away
from throwing yourself

at that woman's feet,
weren't you?

Why don't you show me, Cousin
Larry? You're the expert.

Look. Look, I just don't
like these places.

And besides, I'm more of a kind
of a talking expert than a,

uh, I really don't
wanna meet anyone.

That woman is still
looking at you.

She is?

Yes, she is.

Oh, my God, she is.

Go ahead and get her,
you love devil.

All right. But this is
a little faster

than I usually like
to operate.

I'm only doing this
for you.

So--
Hey, that's my girlfriend.

(STRAINED) Balki, Balki.

Balki, Balki.

* Young girl
get out of my mind

* My love for you
is way out of line

* Better run girl *

Cousin Larry, I'm so happy.

I met one fox-like
American woman.

(GROANING)

Sounds like
you had fun, too.

Hey, you disappeared
pretty fast.

Did you...get lucky?

Yeah, I got lucky.

I'm lucky I wasn't killed.

That's nice.

Aren't you happy for me?
Yeah, why not?

While you were inside meeting
your fox-like American chick,

I was out in
the parking lot

learning that the human body
can bounce off of concrete.

I have so much to learn.

Reams.

Well, you can show me
tomorrow night

We'll double the pleasure,
double the fun.

(FAKE LAUGHTER)

Let me try to make something
absolutely crystal clear
for you.

I would rather spend the evening
with Jabba the Hutt.

Well, call him up.
We'll all party!

* Young girl
get out of my mind *

Will you stop it?

I'm sorry.
I'm just nervous about my date.

She'll love you,
I guarantee it.

Well, maybe you're right.

My underarms are safe,
my scalp is not flaky

and my breath
is lemon fresh.

Well, other than gargling
with Pledge

I think you're off
to a good start.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, guys.
LARRY: Oh, hi, Susan.

So, Balki,
ready for your big date?

Well, let me see.

I open the door for her,
I pull out the chair

I don't speak
with my mouth full

and I don't touch her body
unless I am asked.

Larry.

Well, these are questions
that came up.

Please, Cousin Larry,
please come with me.

No.
Please.

Now, don't worry.
I believe in you.

You have got the right stuff.

He is doomed.

Larry, why don't you go
with him?
Oh, oh, no, no, no.

You're thinking,
Balki's my friend,

my roommate.
A stranger from another country.

He looks up to me.
How can I cast him aside?

Like this!

Larry--
Nice try.

I don't like
to be embarrassed.

I have spent my life avoiding
embarrassing situations.

Who knows when it started?

Larry, I don't see
how going on a date

with a friend
can be embarrassing.

We are talking about Balki.

The man who doesn't believe
the refrigerator light goes off.

The man who knows
a thousand and one
unfunny jokes about sheep.

The man who thinks Bo Derek
is a fine little actress.

And you are telling me that
he's not going to embarrass me?

Take a reality pill.

If you're gonna be embarrassed,
don't go.

Oh, great,
lay a guilt trip on me.

You don't have to tell me
that tonight is going
be a disaster.

And you don't have to tell me
how terrible I'm going to feel

if I'm not there
to pick up the pieces.

All right, I'll go.

There. I hope you're happy.

If it'll be easier for you,
I'll go with you.

Oh, sure, come along.

I'm gonna go put on my face.
Sure, easy for you.

You get to wear a disguise.

She is so manipulative.

Don't be shy.
Come, come.

So, Diane, what do you do?

Good opening line, Cousin Larry,
but she is my date.

I teach high school
geography.

That's why I'm so fascinated
by Balki's homeland.

It is a fascinating place.

We have no sewers.
And in the rainy season, it--

LARRY:
I-I, uh, ahem.

I-I come from Wisconsin.

That's nice.

Oh!

Oh, you don't wanna do that.

This is the funniest joke
in all of Mypos.

It's a small country.

These three sheepherders
want to find out

who has the most beautiful
sheep in all of Mypos.

So they decide to bring
each the prize animal

to be judged by the others.

Waiter. Waiter!

And the others say, "This is
a very beautiful animal.

"So big, so white,
so fluffy, good gums."

Waiter, yo!

You know this one.
You're so funny.

So the next one presents his
sheep, even more beautiful.

And then the next
one presents his sheep.

But it's just a horrible
looking animal.

Skinny, dirty,
wrinkled face.

And they say, "This has got
to be the most ugly animal

"in the world."

and the sheep says,
"You think I'm ugly?

"Well, I'm not."

(LAUGHS SILENTLY)

And?
That's the punch line.

Anybody for the salad bar?
There is no salad bar.

There's no punch line either.

That didn't stop him.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Hey, you know, this sounds
like a song from my country.

Oh no, it doesn't.

DIANE: Really?

It's a lovely dance
with lots of people.

Oh, look,
they have takeout.

Can you show us the dance?
Oh no. No dancing.

Oh, come on. Show us.
It takes a lot of people.

We'll stay here. Susan.
SUSAN: Oh no, come on, Larry.

Waiter, check, please.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Hey!
Hey!

Come on, everybody,
feel the beat.

Put on your boogie sandals.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

"The Dance of Joy" is over.

Hey, we're havin' a good time.

Dance.
Five, six, seven, eight.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL: Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Goodnight, Susan.
Goodnight. I had a great time.

I can't believe it.

Isn't life great?

No.

I made a fool out of myself.
I am so embarrassed.

What? Why?

We were having fun.
Fun?

I made a public spectacle
out of myself.

One threat of death
and I was out there

tapping my little feet off.

You did not make
a spectacle of yourself.

Not even a private one.

Of course I did.

I am not one of them.
I don't like to sing.

I don't like to dance.

People...look at you.

But if everyone is singing
and dancing

they don't point
to one man and say,

"Look at that fellow
singing and dancing."

They look at the fellow
who's not singing and dancing.

Don't they?

You know what I think?

I think you won't admit it, but
you really did have fun tonight.

Oh no, I didn't.
Oh, yes, you did.

Did not.
You did too.

Didn't.

You sang.
I didn't enjoy it.

You laughed.
A hollow laugh.

Well, nobody twisted your leg
to make you do that
Cagney impression.

Well, I got sucked
into the mob mentality.

Look, Balki,
you and I are different.

You like to just jump into
the swimming pool of life

without even checking to see
if there is water.

I, on the other hand, like
to make sure there's water,

a lifeguard

test for algae.

And then I dip a toe in
and call it a day.

I-I shouldn't be
teaching you anything.

I-I don't know
how to have fun.

That is not true.

You are a fun person.
Really?

Yes.
Oh no, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Do Cagney for me again.
Oh no.

Oh, come on.
No.

Oh, come on.
No, no.

Please, or I'll look
at you and point.

Okay.

(IMITATES CAGNEY BADLY)
Oh, you dirty rat.

You killed my brother,
you dirty rat.

Yeah?

Perfect.

Now, you see,
don't you feel better?

Well, yeah, I do.

You know, I'm gonna try
to loosen up more often.

Thanks, Balki.
Oh, I should thank you.

If it wasn't for you

You know, you taught me,
if I just relax and be myself

people will like me.

And you learned something.

Actually, you learned
the same thing.

I guess so.

So you, you really think
I sound like Cagney?

Perfect.
Yeah?

Just like Cagney.
Yeah.

Can you do Lacey?