Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 1, Episode 5 - Check This - full transcript

Balki gets a lesson in banking, but has to learn it the hard way when Larry doesn't have the patience to explain it properly.

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* No matter what the odds
are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall



* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now
* Nothing's gonna stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

FEMALE: (ON TV)
Work your arms.
Work 'em. Work your arms.

Higher, good.
Now kick, kick.
Loosen up. Kick.

Higher, higher, higher.

Side twist.

Now back again.
Side twist. Keep it up.



Twist, twist.
Very good.

Balki, don't do that.

It would help me if the floor
didn't shake before noon.

Boy, you are grumpy
in the morning.

I'm grumpy all the time.

I just hide it better
the rest of the day.

What are you doing?

Buttock pinches.

Don't forget to fold up
the couch.

You left it open yesterday.

I can't.

No, it's not so simple.

No, no, I think--
Balki, watch and learn.

Take the little black handle.
Yes.

Balki, watch and learn.

You just lift and push.

Lift and push.

Lift.
And push.

Push and lift!

Lift! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

It's broken.

No, I think
it's just a sprain.

No, I mean,
the sofa is broken.

Why didn't you tell me that?

Well, because I was busy
watching and learning.

(GRUNTING)

No, no, Balki.
What are you doing?

Balki, Balki, no, no, no.

Balki! No, no. Thank you.

I don't need any pagan cures.

Oh. I could've
bought a new couch.

But no-o-o,
I had to buy a used one.

Well, I'm the one
that sleeps there,
so I buy the new one.

Whoa!

What did we lose?

Don't you ever,
ever do that again.

What?

I was getting my money.

Well, of course I do.
I want it to be safe.

Safe?

get tired ransacking
the apartment

lie down to take a nap, bam!
Your money's gone.

No, I never
thought of that.

Well, you should.

Keeping money around
attracts burglars.

Why?

Because that
is what responsible people do.

What if the building was
to burn down, then where
would your money be?

Step into the 20th century.

But I don't know
about banks.

What's to know?
Why do I have to
explain everything?

Look, today on our lunch hour,
I'll take you to my bank.

You'll put that money
in a checking account.

But this is my mad money.

Do you mean my savings too?
Yes, yes, your savings too.

Everything.
Now get it.

(GRUNTS)

I got it.

You'll never get it.

LARRY:
Can we get on with this?
We're on our lunch break.

Oh, I'm Harrison Har...per.

Uh, Balki would like to
open a checking account.

I know. Sit, sit.

All right, you've got your
Money Market Manager Account.

Requires a thousand dollar
minimum balance.

Includes check guarantee,
credit card,

overdraft protection,
which means you can
write checks

up to $5000 over your balance
and a free color TV.

Oh, I like that one.

Balki, I think that's a little
out of your league.

What is my league?
Little League.

Our Happy Saver Account.

Requires a minimum balance
of two dollars

and you get a free
Freddy the Frog bag.

He'll take that one.

Balki, give him your money.

Just one moment.

When I put my money here,
what are you
going to do with it?

The same thing
they do with my money.

They loan it out
to other people for interest.

They give my money
to other people

just because it's interesting?

No, no, no. Interest is
what people pay the bank

so that they can use your money.

Well, if they're using my money,
why don't they pay me?

Well, the bank
performs a service.

For instance,
you could come here
and borrow money yourself.

I could come to this bank
and borrow my own money

and then pay them interest?

Well, yes.

Provided you have good credit.

What that is?

that you don't need to
borrow your own money.

Would you like
to explain this to him?

Not on your life.

When my money is here,
who is going to be watching it?

Well, Mr. Harper will watch it.

Like a hawk.

Well then, I'm going to need
some references from you.

Balki, give him your money.

But how do I get my money
when I want to use it?

The bank gives you nice checks
with pretty little pictures.

And when you wanna
buy something, all you have to
do is sign your name to a check.

That's all there is to it.

You mean,
when I want to spend money

all I have to do
is sign my name to a check?

Let's get this done
so that we can go back to work.

Take good care of it.

We will.

A hundred
and twenty-eight dollars?

That's what
this ordeal is about?

A hundred
and twenty-eight dollars?

Just take the money, please.
Yes, yes.

If you'll just pick out
the style of checks you want,

we can wrap this up
during my lifetime.

Rainbows.
I love rainbows.

Rainbows it is.

(GASPING)

Flo-o-owers.

Okay, flowers.

Puppies!

Lower.

Lower.

Ooh! Argh!

Lower.

Ho-ho-ho!

Balki Claus is coming to town.

And what does he have?

An apple
for Larry Appleton.

Where do I come up
with them?

And for you, Susan,
your favorite sugarless gum.

Oh, thank you, Balki.

Balki, this is very nice.
What's the occasion?

Is today Mypos Apple
and Gum Day?

Ask me how I paid
for these things.

Balki, how did you
pay for these things?

I wrote...

Checks.

They came today.

Of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.

I also got you
this nice bug light.

Well, I'm touched.

Appleton, front and center!

I'm planning a real big
poker game tonight.

Oh, uh, thank you,
Mr. Twinkacetti,

but, no, I don't play poker.

I wasn't inviting you.

Look, Appleton,
my wife hates for me to gamble.

Tonight. Got it?

So, if it ever comes up,
I was with you.

Uh...

Hey, I'm asking
for a favor.

Man to man.

Men do those things
for each other.

Some men in the
Nixon White House

did those things
for each other.

You leave my heroes
out of this.

You know, lying to your wife
is really terrible.

News flash, sweet cheeks.
The ERA is dead.

You lost.
Bow and get out.

Can I be candid?

(BLOWING A RASPBERRY)

Now, come on, Appleton, huh?

It's part of the code
of the male brotherhood.

What is this
male brotherhood?

Don't worry.
No turnips allowed.

It's okay, Balki.

Forget it,
Mr. Twinkacetti.

I won't forget this.

Oh, I just remembered.

I want you to pick it up.
Shouldn't take you
more than a whole day.

Mr. Twinkacetti.

Cousin Larry has a bad back.

(WHISPERING)
Even better.

Cousin,
I'll do this for you.

Don't worry. I know
the correct way to lift

without putting stress
on my back.

Ow!

Cousin, would you please
let me fix this?

No, I'm okay.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm, uh, looking for
a "Balki Bartokomous."

Yeah.
That's him over there.

The one
who can stand erect.

BALKI:
Oh, wonderful!

My cousin
will be so happy.

Yeah, yeah,
all I want is $3028.43.

No problem.
I have checks.

* Touch me in the morning

* Then just walk away

* We don't have tomorrow... *

Twinkacetti cannot beat me.

(PANTING)

I just moved 12 tons
of bodybuilding equipment...

By myself.

It was tough.

But I'm a better person for it.

You also look shorter.

That's because every vertebra
in my body is compressed.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Surprise.

I bought you new furniture.

It's a present
from me to you.

(SOBBING)

Oh, I can't believe
you did this.

I can't believe you did this.
Oh.

I know. I can hardly
believe it myself.

Balki... Let... Let me make
something absolutely clear.

See, my furniture was...

Well, well...
It was my furniture.

And this furniture is not.

Oh. You don't like it?

No, no, no, it's not that
I don't like it.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Yes, it is.
I don't like it.

Well, but you complained
about your broken sofa

and you don't like
your old furniture

and I just wanted
to give you something.

Balki. Balki, you got rid of my
things. My things, My things!

I got it.
No, no, no, you don't got it.

You've got to understand.
Look, look.

I'm gonna tell you something
about my upbringing

that I've never told you.

You are?
Yes.

You told me that.

BOTH:
A lot of money.

You told me that.

We grew up
in a middle-class house...

BOTH:
In Madison, Wisconsin--

Sorry.

The point is,
with all those kids,

nothing was ever really yours.

So when I moved here,
see, I bought this furniture...

Well, not this furniture.

But my own furniture.

It was used,
it was a little uncomfortable,

but it was all mine.

And then, tonight...
I... I come home...

You've taken away my toys.

Oh, how sad.

Intellectually, I know, I know.
I'm overly possessive.

Almost neurotic about it.

You are not.
I'm not?

Of course not.

Erotic?
Don't be ridiculous.

Neurotic, neurotic, neurotic!
Okay. Don't get crazy.

Wait a minute.

Where'd you get the money
to pay for all this stuff?

Oh, that was no problem.
I just wrote a check.

You wrote a check?
For how much?

$3028.43.

Three thou...

Good deal, huh?

They even threw in
these plastic flowers.

Balki, Balki, Balki.

You only had $128,
less the pack of gum,
apple and bug light.

Yes, but the man
at the bank said

I can write checks for more
money than I have
as long as I...

No.
...pay it back someday.

No, no, no. No.

That's the Money Market
Manager Account.

You have
the Happy Saver Account.

Don't you understand
anything about banking?

In Mypos, money
is not that important.

Two chickens is a pig,
two pigs is a cow

and two cows is a fortune.

You're the one that
made me go to a bank
and got me all confused.

Yeah, yeah, okay.
Oh, sure! Argh! Ooh!

Yeah, blame it on me.
Yes, why didn't I see it before?

Yes, it's all my fault
and I'll burn in hell for it.

Boy, you're taking this hard.

You wrote a check
for $3000 more than you have.

You don't wanna go to prison
for this furniture.

You're right.
It's my fault.

No, look, look.
It's not your fault.

I made you get that bank account
and I didn't take the time

to explain the basics.

It's not a big deal.

Now what did you do with it?
Oh, that's no problem.

I sold it to Mr. Twinkacetti.

You sold it to Twinkacetti?

You sold my chair, my sofa,
my coffee table, my lamp?

My rug?
You sold my lucky rug?

Is this neurotic?
Yes.

Yes, and so is this.

That's my lamp.

We better hustle our buttocks.

Those pinches paid off.

Good morning, turnips.
Boy, am I a lucky guy.

Last night,
I won $600 in the poker game.

And this junk
will be gone before lunch.

Mr. Twinkacetti,
I'm gonna buy back my furniture

for what you paid Balki for it.

Come on, Appleton.

You think I could sell
this elegant decor

for a measly 75 bucks?

Seventy-five bucks?

You sold my furniture
for 75 bucks?

Well, it made sense when
Mr. Twinkacetti explained it.

I'll bet it did.

You can't do this to me.
It's not fair.

Oh, you're right.

I shouldn't take advantage
of a fellow member

of the male brotherhood.

And I owe him nothing.

Zip, as in the big O.

My God, my wife.

Edwina, my pet.
What a cherished moment.

Hello, Mrs. Twinkacetti.
Oh, nice to see you, Larry.

And this must be Balki.

I have heard so much about you.

Well, I have heard
so much about you too

and I don't
believe half of it.

We kid around. (CHUCKLES)

Did you enjoy going to the
basketball game with my husband?

Basketball?
Loved it. Loved it.

Remember, turnip?
Bouncy, bouncy.

Why don't we step
into the office? I got
fresh coffee. We'll talk...

Balki, don't you see
what happened?

Mr. Twinkacetti told his wife
he was with you last night.

Oh!

Oh, boy.

Oh, so now I'm a member?

Are you kidding?
You're a lieutenant.

How much do you like me?

Like you?
I'd give you a kidney.

You'll cover for me,
won't you, Balki?

Do you mind
if I call you Turnip?

Watch and learn.

I'll give you $65
for this furniture, Turnip.

Two hundred.

One seventy-five.

One dollar.
(SCOFFS)

EDWINA: Donald?
Sold.

Donald, the strangest thing.

I found $600
in your office

hidden behind
your photo of Gordon Liddy.

You should keep
your money in a bank.

Oh, I feel terrible.
I was thinking...

I was thinking
that you probably didn't go

to a basketball game
last night.

You know,
for one crazy moment

I suspected you of playing poker
with your sleazy friends.

(LAUGHING)

But I know
that couldn't be true

because our marriage
is based on mutual trust.

And if you ever
violate that trust,

I'll break your
chubby little legs.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

We kid around.

Darling, I want you
to watch me spend your money.

Oh, no.
Goodbye, boys.

Bye-bye now.

You did good.

Thank you.
I have a dark side.

Well, help me
get this furniture upstairs.

And tonight, I'll teach you
how to balance your checkbook.

Okay. Then I teach you
how to balance a broom
on your nose.

Oh! Argh! Ooh!

Cousin, your back
is still hurting.

I think it's time
I took your back by the horns.

Oh, Balki. Whoa!

Balki. My back.
It doesn't hurt.

Of course not!
Balki fixed it.

Huh. That's incredible.
Yes.

Of course, sometimes
there are side effects.

Balki... I can't move my arms.

That's one of them.

Now what?

(MUMBLING)