People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 4, Episode 2 - Rivalry - full transcript

[Chabsie] All right, boys,
come on, let's sort this.

[Decoy] They've taken down
the fucking aerial, man!

-[Chabsie] Oh, my God!
-[Beats] Surely that's wind
damage though, Decoy, right?

[Beats] It's got to be wind
damage. It can't be Kold FM.

Fuck's sake!
It's got to be wind damage.
What do you reckon, Chabs?

-Erm...
-Definitely wind damage, right?

Yeah, I don't think this is
done by wind damage, mate.

Not unless the wind
used a baseball bat.

[Beats] Running your own
pirate radio station...

is a... it's a big
responsibility.

Being the leader's hard as
well and I really miss Grindah.



Cos I'm under a lot of stress.

Well, it's pretty obvious
who done it, innit?

Well, if it was
the fucking Kold FM boys,

then we need an emergency
meeting now!

This ain't a joke!

I'm getting an M on the top
of my head from all the stress.

-[director] You're going bald?
-Yeah. Well, my hairline's
going weird.

I'm worried it's going
to turn into an island.

Grindah would never
let himself go bald.

Yeah, so, first time seeing
Miche since I've, erm...

given up all the radio
and drugs and that, so, yeah.

Trying to get it, like,
normal hair, sort of vibe.

[director] Do you want
Miche to think you've changed?

Course I want Miche
to think I'm changed.



I want her to think, "Rah!"
like. "What's up with him?

He definitely wants to get back
with me and he's making
an effort."

Cos, like, there's this
thing called grafting

that chicks are obsessed
with at the moment, yeah?

And, like, what it means
is basically

just doing things that
you'd never usually do,

so that girl thinks
you've suddenly changed
into a better person.

Like, to me, that's sort of
the modern version of romance,
do you know what I mean?

-Square pasta sheets!
Mad, innit?
-Mm.

-What you doing with my lasagne?
-I'm making Miche a lasagne.

Yeah, nothing screams class
like a lasagne.

-Well, get your own fucking
lasagne sheets, then.
-OK, cool.

Do you want me to get back with
Miche and get out your house?

-All right. Fair point, yeah.
-Yeah, thought so.

-You need some stock cubes.
I'll show you where they are.
-Yeah, cool.

[glasses clinking]

Just going to pop
these down here.

So, what are you going to say
to Daddy if he asks you
about the glasses?

A crazy party you had
with your friends.

Actually, maybe say dinner
party, it sounds a bit classier.

When I was in a relationship,
I'd say I would prefer
to be in a relationship,

but now I'm not in
a relationship, I'm loving
the single life, obviously.

What else can we do to make it
look a bit more than just...?

It's, like, the freedom.

I can just watch what I want
on the telly. I can eat
what I want for dinner.

It's a real breath of fresh air,
you know, just being alone,

just with my own thoughts
and, yeah, just having
that bit of time for me.

Miche time.

Shall we just make it
look a bit more,

like we've had fun?
Just... Yeah.

Does that looks quite crazy?
Doesn't it?

-Er...
-Tomatoes are at the top.

Ooh, OK. Straight
from Italy, probably.

-Probably.
-Yeah.

Cool, have you got
a bag or something?

You all right? You ain't
been picking up your phone.

Did you hear that, Roche? It's
like a sort of hissing sound.

Yeah, sounds like a tiny,
pathetic, little snake.

Right, I am not getting
involved in any of this.

I've got to get ready for work,
and don't forget you're looking
after Robyn today, innit?

-See you later, darling.
-I'm looking after Robyn today?

Yeah. You're looking
after that, right?

Listen, man, I know we
ain't talking and that,

but we got a major
fucking problem.

The Kold FM boys
destroyed our aerial.

Me and Grindah aren't
chatting at the moment.

You know, when you break up
with your girlfriend
or whatever and you just...

you can't, like,
eat and that, and...

It's a bit like that, really,

but with this doom of
Kold FM over my head.

See you later, mate.

See you later, Roche and Craig.

[front door shuts]

Great(!)

[Robyn cries]

[all sing] ♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little star ♪

♪ How I wonder what you are ♪

-♪ Up above... ♪
-It's working, boys.

-What are we doing, anyway?
-Well, we're going to sort it.

-Yeah, let's sort it, mate.
-I'm up for sorting it,
definitely.

-So you got a plan or what?
-Peaceful resolution.

I do have a plan, Decoy.

I've decided that
we should just...

just snitch.

No, I ain't no snitcher, man.
Not me, man.

Yeah, me neither, man.
I'm not snitching.

-I'll snitch.
-[Beats] Sweet, you can
make the call, Steves.

-We're definitely not snitching.
-[Beats] Yeah, we're definitely
not snitching.

-Steve, stop
throwing everyone off.
-Sorry, I just want peace.

Their studio's near my estate.

-So I'll see
what I can find out.
-Why didn't you say that before?

Perfect, because I
actually hate snitching.

OK, cool. You get the intel

and then we can go down there
and maybe do a stakeout.

-[Robyn cries]
-Right.

OK, ready?
One, two, three, four...

♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little star... ♪

[knocking on door]

-So how does Mummy look?
-Nice.

-Hiya.
-Hiya.

Wow, your hair looks, er...

-better.
-Oh, thanks.

I've come off the drugs.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I forgot to tell you,
I'm officially a cold turkey.

-Wow!
-Yeah. I was even thinking about
getting into CVs and that,

and maybe getting
a job or whatever.

-That's amazing, yeah.
Well done, you.
-Thanks.

Let me know if you need help
with your spelling or Word Art.

Miche, that'd be incredible.
I might... Oh, going out?

Oh, you know me, I'm just busy,
busy, busy. Non-stop, so...

-I'll see you in a bit.
-Yeah? No worries.
See you later.

-You all right, Tanya?
-Oh, hi, Miche. I didn't think
you were in today.

-I left the house early, thought
I'd just come and check in.
-Oh, that's nice.

-You mean check in like that?
-I'm saying I'm doing my hair,

so Grindah and everyone else
can see how well I'm doing.

-On Facebook?
-Exactly. Erm, Tanya,

would you mind just pretending
to cut my hair for me,

-and then I can just get
a picture of it for my snap?
-Yeah.

Well, it's quite quiet.
Why don't we just give it
a trim anyway?

No, haven't got time. I need
to check into a few bars
before I go out, so...

-OK...
-OK. And just look
really happy, yeah? OK.

I've been really busy on
social media since the break-up.

Been checking into anything
and everything, so everyone
can see how well I'm doing.

[director] Do you think social
media shows your true self?

Definitely, because it's not
me speaking to you right now,

sort of saying any old
thing that comes in my head,

it's me sort of thinking about
what I'm saying, deleting it,

writing it again, deleting it,
then posting it to the world.

So, yeah, it's...
It's a more accurate me.

-All right? Oh, that was quick.
-Thanks! See you.

-Yeah. OK, bye.
-Bye!

Have a nice time tonight.
What was that?

It's like a hit-and-run.

-Is that all for his benefit?
-Course it is.

She's going to go and check in
at the curry house over
the road now.

-We used to have water fights
round here back in the day.
-Yeah, it was sick.

And then it got a bit stabby
round here, so...

Yeah, made the water fights
way more intense.

Sweet, yeah.
These are the blocks, here.

-Are you ready, Steven?
-Yeah.

OK, boys, keep it covert, yeah?

Let me just pop this down,
get that ready.

There we go! Good girl.

Daddy's going undercover, Robyn.
Please don't scream.

-OK, ready to go?
-Shh, shh-shh-shh!

OK, let's go. OK, come on.

[director] Is it hard to find
a pirate radio station?

A pirate radio station
is the same as a woman.

Very elusive, very secretive,
very deceptive, yeah?

They both lie a lot, you know?

I said that to Aldona. Like,
I'm very good at finding
people, you know?

I'm like that bloody Liam
Neeson and that, you know?

I will find you, I will track
you down and I will kill you.

Not kill you, but I will
bloody get my Merc back.

We're just three lads, out
with a baby, having a stroll.

-Three dads.
-Yeah. No, lads, not dads.

-Shhh! Shhh!
-Check this out!

-Bruno!
-What are you doing?

Pretending I've got a dog,
isn't it? Improvise.

-Bruno!
-Bruno! My dog, Bruno.

-He might be in the bushes
over there somewhere.
-He might be, yeah.

-Bruno!
-Bruno!

-Oh!
-[blows whistle] Bruno!

-[Robyn bawls]
-Oh, for fuck's sake, Steves!

I'm gonna have
to take her back.

-I thought Bruno would hear.
-There is no Bruno, Steves.

-Sorry, Nan.
-She's not your nan, Steve.

-How many times?
-She is my nan.

-You are my nan, innit?
-Just be cool, be cool.

OK, just play it cool.

Just a couple of lads.

Bruno!

[he whistles]

Bruno!

And that's peeling an onion.

It isn't actually
as easy as it looks.

Oh, Jesus Christ, man!

Look at that!

Freshly chopped!

So that instantly starts...
Look at that!

Do you know what?
I love cooking.

I've just never tried it.

Ah, you can really smell
the flavours, can't you?

-Aah!
-None of that microwave lasagne.

You got to do your own,
do you know what I mean?

Buy your white sauce,
buy your red sauce,

buy the sheets, buy the meat,
cook it all together and mix it.

Fresh, home-cooked lasagne.

So, er, are you moving back in?

Well, Angel, that's something
me and your mum are going
to have to discuss

after she tries this
wonderful little lasagne.

Yeah. I still am the man of
the house, just so you know.

Just cos I don't
live in the house, like.

-She ain't had no other man
in the house, has she?
-Yes.

-What? Who?
-Uncle Decoy.

I'm thinking of other men
that you don't know, like.

-Was there?
-No.

No, good.

Because I will crush everyone,
you know that, Angel, yeah?

[Steves] Right, Robyn,
if that is your real name.

Do you remember this?
That's you.

"World's greatest grandma".

Look at these,
you remember these?

Your favourite, custard creams.

Do you remember them?

What about that?

Jog any memories?

Any flashbacks?

People are saying,
"Oh, you think your nan

came back as a baby, yeah,
that's... you're mad,"
or whatever.

But reincarnation's
a tricky one.

I've got an idea.

It's like if you're a butterfly,

and you see your
old caterpillar mate,

and you're like, "Bruv,
what you saying? It's me."

He might not recognise you,
cos he remembers you as
a caterpillar.

And it's the same with,
like, people. Like...

you are evolving, you go
into the next body and...

it's hard to keep track of
your old caterpillar mates,

if you're...a butterfly.

I'm going to show you this...

and I want you to tell me if
it's better with the glasses...

or without the glasses.

So, that's with.

Or without?

Shall we try it
one more time? With.

Or without?

It's inconclusive, I think.

We'll have to try
something else.

[Beats] Stakeouts are
way better in movies.

Listen, Kev, mate, you
wouldn't know of anyone

who kind of deals in kind
of short, substantial loans

with kind of, like, minimum
paperwork, no ID or anything?

Like, quick loans?

No, the only person
I know is you.

OK, listen, Kevin, what
I'm going to tell you
right now might shock you.

-I'm bankruft. I need the loan.
-Shit.

-I lost everything, mate.
I lost my restaurant...
-Fuck. Serious?

Yeah. For the last two months,
mate, I've been living
in this van.

You know what I mean?
I'm pathetic. I'm literally
a man in a van.

It is kind of sick,
innit, though?

I'd love this.
Like, no responsibility.

It's like living in a caravan.

You're a man of the road,
Chabsie.

You're a road man.

-Yeah, I guess I'm
a bit of a road man.
-You are, yeah.

-You're living OG, off-grid.
-I am an OG, yeah.

Kind of like nomad-style,
you know?

-I'm not living by society's
kind of rules and that.
-Exactly.

I'm like, kind of, just
doing what I want to do.

-Driving where I want to drive.
Hair blowing in the wind.
-Why not?

Shitting in a bucket.
Just living life like
I want to live life.

You shit in a bucket?

Shh, let's just concen...

Keep your eyes peeled.

Brentford girls on tour, yeah!
One night only!

-Woo!
-Wheeey!

[cackles] Love it.

[Carol] I want Miche to be
happy. That's all, you know?

I think she deserves
a really good man.

But her idea of a good man
is someone with money
and chest hair.

That's not necessarily true.
I can take or leave
the chest hair.

I mean, Mick was very smooth,

and that boy in Turkey
barely had armpit hair, so.

Listen, Miche...

-Yeah?
-You know what you said about,
like, Grindah and stuff?

-Yeah.
-You are definitely
on your own, ain't you?

-Yeah.
-There she is! Carol!

-Mum, I don't...
-Right, mate, I've got
a little surprise for you...

-No, Mum, please, please...
-Honestly, it'll do you good.

-Listen! Honestly, a shag
would put a smile on your face.
-Please, please, Mum, no.

-Hello, gorgeous. How are you?
-How you doing, babes?

-Good to see you, babes!
-Right, I told you about him.

-You must be Mateus?
-[Spanish accent] Matias.

Matias! I love it!
So this is Miche.

-Hello.
-You two have got
a lot in common.

-You're both hairdressers.
-Very nice to meet you.

You too... Ooh!

-[laughter]
-I, er, I love your hair.

Shut up! I look like
a disgusting freak!

-We'll go and get a drink.
-Yeah, let's do that. Excuse me.

-Mum, why are they here?
-Listen, I reckon he'd fuck you.

You should give it a go,
all right?

Right, it's nearly done.
Get on top of the cheese,
please, Angel.

-OK, Dad.
-Teamwork, innit?

Yeah, man is a responsible
man right now, innit, Ange?

-Yeah.
-I tell you I quit blazing?

Yeah. It's been quite
intense, actually.

I can't find
the cheese grater.

Cheese grater!

Jesus Christ, these kids
don't know they was born.

Angel, use this, yeah?
But cut it really small.

-Thank you.
-OK.

Ooh! This red sauce
is something else.

Angel! A little bit faster,
all right, please? Thank you.

Nice!

-What's "candle" in Spanish?
-Candle is...

That is, how you say, "vela".

Ah! That's nice,
a nice name, isn't it?

"Vela en el viento",
and this is like the song

-"Candle In The Wind".
-Oh, I love that song.

-I love Princess Diana.
-Yeah. This is from
Princess Diana?

Yeah, yeah, she wrote it. How
do you say rose wine in Spanish?

-Vino rose.
-[laughs]

-Same again?
-Oh, yeah, please.

OK, I get some drinks.

Tell you what, mate,
he is cracking, isn't he?

He's very friendly. Very good
at Spanish, actually, yeah.

-He...he is Spanish.
-Mm, yeah.

I've got an idea. Let's
settle this once and for all.

Which of these do you prefer?
Nike jumper?

Or... cream cardigan?

Look, it's coming back.

Remember these?
Do you remember these?

Do you remember? Think.
Remember, remember.

Remember who you are.

Remember.

Remember.

Hey, look at that. Remember.

Remember.

Do you remember?

Something's clicked.

It's you, isn't it, Nan?

It's her.

[Chabsie hums]

Kevin, Kevin! Over there, mate.
I see one male, yeah?

Baseball hat, record bag,
five o'clock.

Where's five o'clock?

No, I'm just saying that's
the time. He's over there!

-Look, look!
-Oh, yeah, I can see him.

-Get out of the car,
follow him on foot.
-Why have I got to follow him?

Well, I can't do it, man.
My whole style is based around
being noticed. I'm a peacock.

Fuck's sake, yeah, that's true.
You're too flamboyant.

All right. Chabsie...

-Yeah?
-Cover me.

What? You got a gun?

No, man, it's just cos
we're doing the stakeout thing.

-It's what people say, innit?
-Oh, shit. OK, cool.

Kevin, clear!
You're covered on this side.

Shut up!

Oh, no, that's... Haa!

-[front door opens]
-[Miche] Hi, there!

Get some candles.
Miche, where are your candles?

What? I thought you
were scared of candles.

I wanted to put the finishing
touches on our little surprise.

-It's our lasagne.
-Oh, did you do it
all by yourselves?

-I did the main bit, but, yeah.
-Oh, looks lovely.

Yeah, thank you. I was
thinking it might be nice

if we could sit down
and get a...

-[raucous laughter]
-Yeah...

-You got people with you?
-Yeah, sorry.

All right, muggins? Yeah,
you can go now. Playtime's up.

Oh, that's funny.
How have you been, anyway?

How have I been?
You on drugs?

I've actually
given the drugs up,

but thanks for
your concern though.

-He's gone weird.
-He's making an effort, Mum.

-Did you know they were coming?
-No.

-Here we come!
-No big deal, yeah.

Who's that prick?
See that guy in there?

-Ask him who he is, what the
hell he's doing here, yeah?
-OK.

-Oh, my Angel!
-Hola!

-Hello.
-Nice to meet you.

Daddy says, "Who are you?"

Shit!

[ringtone]

Yes, Kevin, mate.

They've gone into the flat.
I don't know what to do.

OK, we need to make sure
it's definitely a pirate
radio station, yeah?

Yeah, not just some bloody
hipster with a cool bag.

All right, stay on the line.

OK, yeah. No, this is it.

So what are you hearing?
What are you hearing?

-[music plays]
-They're playing jungle,
old-school jungle.

-Jungle?
-Definitely.

Oh, shit, mate.

-You all right, mate?
-Yeah, mate.

Just looking for
my mate's house, mate.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

-Who's your mate, then?
-Erm... His name's...Barney.

-What?
-Barney, you sent me to the
wrong flat again, you dickhead.

-Who's Barney?
Kevin, who's Barney?
-Oi, Scott!

-Mission abort!
-There's some geezer here
looking for your lad.

Start the Merc!

-Come here!
-Come back!

Come here, you...!

Eh! Oi!

-Start the van up!
-What?

-Please! Get in the van!
-Quickly!

-[men shouting]
-Please!

[Chabsie] This way, this way!
Go, go, go, go!

-Please, Chabsie!
-Down there, mate!

Me and Mum actually went to
Lanzarote, didn't we, recently?

We did. Oh, we had a scream!

Don't you show him
all those photos!

Lanzagrotty,
some people call it.

Just going to say, food's
nearly done if you want to...

-You all right?
-Hello.

-Hi.
-Yeah, just... Just saying...

Just trying to call you from
there. You didn't hear me.

-Food is nearly done,
so if you want to...
-OK, yeah.

Why don't you make yourself
useful and go and get some wine?

-Don't be rude, Mum.
-No, honestly, it's...
It'll be my pleasure.

-Thank you. Thank you.
-Don't thank him.

Being nice does get you places,
do you know what I mean?

You lot just ain't seen it
from me, cos I am a nice person,

but when I'm at Kurupt and
that, I've got to be bang
on the ball, on the ball.

Carol, allow me.

-Enjoy, enjoy! Yeah, sure.
-Thank you.

So with Miche, I've got
to be nice, because then
she'll realise,

she'll be like, "Oh, is he
actually a nice person now?"

Little does she know that
I'm pretending to be nice

just to get her back,
do you know what I mean?

And that just shows how
much I care, I think.

[Steves] Go on, then.

This is all yours, look!

Touch it.
That's all for you, that.

My nan left a load
of money for me, erm...

So I'm just sort of
holding on to it for her.

You're rich for your age,
definitely.

It's quite mad, actually,
how much money you got.

Whatever she needs, I'll
get it for her, then once

she's old enough to understand
money and reincarnation,

I'll just sit her down and
explain exactly what's going on.

-[men's voices]
-[Chabs] Tuck in! They're
going to see you, mate.

-Tuck in, Kevin.
-Why won't they leave?

-Oh, my God!
-Too young to die.

They better not touch my Merc,
mate. She's all I've got left.

[director] Have you been
in a lot of fights, then?

I've had one fight, actually,

at Education In Dance at
Brentford Leisure Centre.

This girl threw
my cap off my head

and then I said, "What are
you doing?" and she just
smacked me in the face.

So after that I just allowed it.

-Miche! Food's ready.
-All right.

Oh, look at that!

-Oh, wow!
-Eh! There you go!

-My God, well done. Very good.
-Lasagne. In squares as well.

You did the cutlery
the right way round as well.

-I did, yeah.
-God, well done!

I thought it'd be really nice...
Oh, you're eating, are you?

I thought it was maybe just...

I thought it might be nice
for us two to catch up.

Sorry, can I...?
Can I just...?

-Yeah.
-Thanks, mate. Get a drink.

-Oh.
-Thank you very much.

-No worries.
-Perfect!

I think they've gone
back to their station.

OK, just act normal, act normal.
Nothing's wrong, act normal.

I can't believe
we just snitched, man.

-Listen, Kevin, mate, mate...
-I'm shaking.

We did what we had to do.

All right? I mean, technically,
you did it, but... we did it.

Look, man, we can't tell
anyone about that, literally.

Like, no one needs to know,
like. It's embarrassing.

-How much not to talk?
-What do you mean,
"How much not to talk"?

If you tell anyone, I'll tell
them you live in a shitty
Renault and shit in a bucket.

-It's a Merc.
-It's a Renault.

Come on, man,
we got to get out of here.

-[drunken laughter]
-Oh, no!

[laughter and drunken chat]

-I've got one for you.
-Miche, Miche!

[Miche] Love makes you
do stupid things.

You can't describe it, can
you? It's this beautiful thing

that just hits you
and you can't stop it,

and it's, like, filling your
body and you want it to go away

cos you feel uncomfortable
and scared,

but you also want it
to stay there, cos...

It's almost like you could phone
in sick and lie in bed all day.

It's sort of like being ill.

-Bye, cheers!
Thanks for the lasagne.
-Oh, right, no...

-Yeah, my pleasure. Yeah!
-Erm, Mitch, do you want
to take my number?

-Just in case you want
to meet again maybe.
-Sorry, I just... Er...

I don't know if I'm in a place
where I can do that right now.

Ah. OK, but, erm...

Well, you know, obviously, like,
with the language barrier
and everything,

you know, it might not really...

-But I'm speaking English.
-Yes, yeah, so...

-OK, OK.
-No, you too, yeah!

[dance music plays]

Love this one.

Hello?

Hello?

-Man.
-Yes, brother.

-Shaking, man.
-What happened?
Did you find Kold FM?

Yeah, we... sorted it.

What happened?

Just... Look, it's sorted.

Did you beat the shit
out of them?

Yeah, course.

-Can I see your knuckles?
-No, I already washed them.

Clean.

[director] So what
happened with Kold FM?

Need-to-know basis, mate.

Let's say that if someone cut
down a tree in a forest, yeah,

and no one was there
to see it,

did it even matter
or did it even happen?

Let's not point fingers
about who called the
tree surgeon or whatever,

let's just keep it moving.

That's what happens.
That's what happens
when you mess with Kurupt FM.

-Innit?
-Yep.

Ah, don't...

fuck with us.

God, that Matias was
a bit sleazy, wasn't he?

I dunno, he was all right.
Isn't that the stuff that
we use on the cushions?

Yeah, but also good on
washing up and that, so...

It's an old wives' tale
sort of thing.

OK, yeah. Right, well, I'll
let you get on with that.

OK, yeah.
You go put your feet up.

[Grindah] They say absence
makes the heart grow fonder

and if you love someone
then let them go, but...

it's bollocks, really, innit?
If you love someone, then
be around them all the time

to remind them that you're
better than anyone else.

And show them that
you're the perfect man.

[vacuum cleaner whirs]

Thought I'd give the place
a little once-over.

Yeah, don't worry about it.
It's fine. It's a bit late.

-Angel's asleep, so let's...
-It's all good.

-I'll bang it out real quick.
-Did you want
a little bit of this?

-Oh, really?
-Yeah.

Fuck it,
old times' sake, innit?

Yeah, and don't worry about
doing any more cleaning.

Honestly, I just
wanted to finish this

and then I'll make a start
on the inside of the oven.

Oh, no, no. Seriously,
you've done enough.

You don't need to do any more.

-I've done enough?
-Yeah.

Cool, well...

unless you wanted to...

-No...
-Yeah, I know. I'll shoot off.

-Cool, yeah.
-You just... Yeah, get home.
Get home safe, and... Yeah.

-I will.
-I'll see you next week, yeah?

See you later, Miche.

Did you hear that?

She said I'd done enough.

Well...
See you fuckers in a bit!

[Beats] Daddy got home safe,
little Robyn. Sweet dreams.

[Roche] Kevin?

Have you got any idea

why there is four grand
stuffed into Robyn's baby bag?

-Look at that!
-I'll give it back to him
tomorrow.

Yeah, please do.

Steves thinks
it's Robyn's money.

I might take a score,
just for a rainy day.

-For Robyn?
-For Robyn, yeah.

Yeah, go on, then. Yeah, get
one for me, too, for Robyn.

There you go, mate.

Make sure that you give it
back to him tomorrow, yeah?