People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 4, Episode 3 - War - full transcript

Come on then, boys and girls!

Follow me.
Straight on to the bus.

-[Grindah] Are you excited?
-Michael, here we go. Come on.

If everyone could get
on to the bus as quick
as possible. Thank you!

-Angel, nice to see
you this morning.
-Morning, Angel.

[director] So is Grindah
making more of an effort now?

[Miche] Er, yeah, and I like
that he's making an effort.

He's offering to help clean
round the house and all that,

but I don't know, I just...

I feel like maybe he's
trying a bit too hard.

Hiya, I'm Tony.



-Aly.
-All right?

OK, well done, boys and girls.

That was very good behaviour.
Well done.

Thumbs up all round?

-It was great. Are you excited?
-[all] Yeah!

It's going to be a great day.
Well done.

[Grindah] Ah,
I fucking love kids.

Oh, fuck!

How the fuck did they find us?

"Snitches get stitches".

Steves!

Beef is part
of pirate radio culture,

goes with the territory.

[director] What would Robyn
think if you went
to war properly?



If I had to go to war,

so I'd sit down with her and
watch "Saving Private Ryans"

and just make sure she knew that
I might not come back alive.

Ah, no, no, no, no!
Stevie? Steves? Steves?

No, not Steves. Stevie?

He's freezing cold.
Do something!

-Stevie, talk to me, mate.
-Eh?

-Steve, hello? Can you hear me?
-Yeah, bruv,
I was sleeping, man.

-You had your eyes open.
-Yeah, I sleep like
that sometimes.

What were you saying?
Did they hurt you?

-Who?
-We've been attacked.

[Robyn bawls]

-Oh, shit, Robyn.
-Sorry, mate.

Ah, sorry, mate.

-[ringtone]
-[Chabsie] Oh, hello.

Yeah, Kevin.
What? Ah, for f...

OK, don't worry, mate. Relax,
relax. I'm coming, I'm coming.

OK. All right, bye.

Oh... You all right?

Just a... Just a bit of brown
seepage from the... the roof.

It's leaking again.

All right?
See you lot in a bit.

Maybe get a couple with me
and you as well though, Angel.

Shall we get one
of the two of us?

Might go and check on Angel,
see if she's all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no worries.

-Shall I get up?
-Yeah, just...

[director] So what are you
doing to get Miche back?

I mean, look at me. I don't
want to be looking like this,

but that's cos I'm working hard,
do you know what I mean?

Like, done my hair,
pretend I'm a nice person.

Me and Rahim's just been having
such a good laugh together,
actually.

The stuff he comes out
with, he's mental!

Do you want to go
and chat to him?

I'm a likeable sort of guy.

I know how to put it on,
do you know what I mean?

I constantly talk at someone
with a massive smile on my face.

Like, "Ah, where are
we going? To the museum?
I'm so excited. How are you?

What a lovely day.
I love weather.
And you look great today.

And I love the way you're
dressed. How are you?"

Ooh, I just can't wait to
teach all these little guys
about the, erm...

Great War and
Battle of Brighton, so...

-Battle of Britain.
-Britain, yeah.

No, I just meant, like...
Cos a lot of the, er, battles,

the little ones, took place on
the beaches of Brighton, so...

-Ah.
-Yeah.

[Beats] Come on, boys,
we need to get this done ASAP,

before the neighbours
start talking.

Fair play to whoever done it.
It's quite neat, isn't it?

Spray paint is quite difficult
when you're freehand.

-They've done a good job.
-They've not fucking
done a good job, Steven!

Here, start cleaning.

-Sorry. Is that my toothbrush?
-Yeah.

-Hiya.
-Just a random, unprovoked
piece of graffiti.

-Bloody racist, isn't it?
-Yeah.

Back at it. Hate crime.

Get...get us out.
Get us...get me out.

[they laugh]

-Hurry up!
-All right.

Come on, Steves,
you're still on the S.

-Takes a while.
-I've done three letters.

Yeah, but I've got a smaller
ratio cos I've got a toothbrush.

Well, at least we don't
know what it said now.

It says, "Nitch get stit".
It's like German.

[Grindah]
Come on, guys, thank you.

Straight through the two pillars
and you'll see the door.

-Good.
-[ringtone]

-What?
-Hello?

-Steves, are you with Beats?
-Yes, bruv.

I'm not talking to you, Beats.

-But it's Kold FM.
-Nah, mate.

-We're under attack.
-Don't care, mate.

-Come back, please.
-I ain't coming back for shit.
Man's grown up now.

Tell him about
the graffiti and...

He said to tell you
about the graffiti.

I don't care about the graffiti.
It's nothing to do with me.

Kurupt might die without you.

It died years ago.

-You only left two weeks ago.
-Don't care, not my problem.

Why don't you deal with them
little pussy holes
yourself, yeah?

It's, er... It's just...

Er, come on, everyone!

Straight in your
groups of twos.

So are you worried that
Kold FM will take Kurupt out?

I'm not worried, I know
they're gonna do that.

Kold will take Kurupt down
now the leader ain't there.

They know the general has gone,
so what are they going to do?

They're going to go
for the little prawns.

-Yes, boss.
-Yeah, I spoke to Grindah.

-We're on our own.
-OK.

Front and rear windows
are very secure.

Chabsie, we're
five storeys up, mate.

The easiest place to come
through is the front door.

Good point. Let's
check them out, as well.

Cor blimey, mate,
that's a lot of cash, Stevie.

You doing your
cage dancing again?

Oh, no, this is my inheritance.

I didn't get paid for cage
dancing, that was voluntary.

No, I don't think money's
changed me at all.

I bought a new pair
of trainers, but, no,

apart from that, like,
I haven't changed.

Literally, I haven't changed.
I've got the same...

clothes on that I had
before the money.

We're just going to shoot
to the shop, Nana,

and we're going to get some
stuff to reinforce the door.

Keep your money safe. [laughs]

[Chabsie] Right.

Hello, boss.
Oh, perfect, security.

-Yeah, that's a good bit of kit.
-That's good, yeah. Locks.

That's a good one.
Look at the girth on that.

-That's at least three inches.
-Oh, they've got a safe!

-Maximum strength.
-Oh, perfect.

Digital, steel safe.
I'm going to get one of them.

Chabsie, maybe you
distract that geezer

so I can just run
out with this, cos it...

What? You're not just
going to pay for it?

Yeah, I could just pay for it.

Get it, get it, mate.

-I'm going to treat myself.
-Treat yourself, mate.

-Hello.
-Hello.

-I'd like to buy this today.
-Great.

Great. Also, there's
a couple more bits.

It's all fallen down.

Don't worry, I'm paying
for all this, it's not...

Er...

Some of them, as well.

Got a lot down there, huh?

That is probably it, unless...
Do you want anything else?

Listen, boss, do you
sell porta potties?

-No, sorry.
-No?

I'm just going to get
some air fresheners then.

-Yeah!
-Yeah.

OK, guys, listen up!
Everyone, listen up.

OK, so you all know
who your groups are.

-Now, we're going to be
handing out some...
-Oh!

-..worksheets
to your team leaders.
-Take one, hand it on.

Now, the first group to get
all the questions right wins.

Wins? What? A competition?
What do we win?

You win the title
of best group.

Wait, let me get this...
So if we win,

it means we're better than
everyone else in here, yeah?

-I suppose so.
-OK, just come here.

-Right, so...
-We've got to be the best, yeah?

We can't let any of these other
little dickheads win, all right?

Spud man, come on, yeah.
Don't fuck this up, yeah?

The one thing I learnt
at school, yeah,

was that I have to win
at everything.

Cos back then all the little
kids used to laugh at me
for losing and that.

Not any more though.
These days I can walk through
any playground like a man,

knowing that I'm better than
any of these tiny little neaks.

Now who's laughing?

Everyone ready?
Three, two, one, go!

Leave the slow ones behind,
come on!

Well, you just need to
stay in your pairs, yeah?

And, Angel, you're going to go
in a pair with Mummy, yeah?

I want to go with Carly.

Yeah, but blood is thicker than
water, Angel, so you're not.

Why wouldn't you just
go in a pair with me?

You've always gone
in a pair with me.

Ever since you were in my tummy.

But she's my best friend.

Well, who's Mummy meant
to be pairs with?

If they come in now
I'll be like,

"Oh, no, don't come in."
Whack!

[voices outside]

Do you hear that?

-Thought you were
the Kold FM boys.
-No, no, no.

Thank God for that.

-Air freshener?
-Don't worry about that.

Look what I've got.

Get it all in, get it all in.

-Sick! Is that a safe?
-Yeah.

Thought it's good to keep my
nan's money, like, safe, innit?

-Yeah.
-Means I can stop hiding
it in her buggy, as well.

There's a couple
of different ones,

-but I went for
the electronic one, so...
-Oh, nice.

You just lock it, put in a
random code and then, bang!

No getting into that.

So what's the code?

It's random.

Yeah, but it's like
a secret code.

And you put your
secret code in.

-Exactly, no one knows.
-And then it opens it.

But now you can't open it
cos you don't know the code.

Yeah, but only I know the code,
that's the whole point.

So put it in.

[safe beeps]

Yeah...

Can't remember what to put.

-Exactly.
-Too random.

Fuck me, Steves,
you're an idiot.

Planes. Got big wheels,
hasn't it?

[laughs] It's like a car. Erm...

This one's sort of a sausage
shape and this one's
more sort of...

Yeah, sort of greyish.

And this is a photo,
which is in black and white

because they couldn't afford
colour film in those days, so...

When did the war end?

Oh, right, we're doing the
worksheet, are we? Boffin.

OK, so, if we don't know
the answer to a question,

we need to do some research,
and how do we research?

We can look at the information
points next to each...

No, incorrect. Angel,
do you know the answer?

-Google?
-Yeah, good. OK, so everyone
get their phones out, please.

-Isn't that cheating?
-Shh! Shh! Shh!
Fingers on lips, everyone.

-Hurry up, you freaks!
-Get your phones out.

You in the back, hurry up!
Come on, quick!

Wait! Stop, stop, stop!
Is this a Spitfire?

Read the sign!
Is it a Spitfire?

I think it's really sweet that
Grindah's making an effort,

and obviously there is the
saying "too little, too late".

And I'm not saying that
I'm saying that saying,

but obviously it
could potentially be
too little too late,

I guess, yeah.
Watch this space.

Oh, you're learning not to be a
little freak for once. Come on!

Hurry up!

Jesus! Hurry up, you freak!

Is there actually
something wrong with you?

Cos if there is then we're
going to leave you behind.

Well, then, come on!

Oh, what?
There's loads of planes!

-We're never going to find it!
-Whoa!

[safe beeps]

This is what they do in the
films. Normally works, actually.

[safe beeps]

Yeah, no, I'm only
getting loud beeps.

Give me the bat.

-I'm going to get Chabsie.
Chabsie!
-Yes, boss?

How do you break into a safe?

-You want to use that?
-Cool.

Aaagh!

You fucked it, Steves.

We need to draw a plane.
Get to the front and
draw it when I'm in it.

Ah, this is sick.

Ah, we'll blow all the other
teams' heads off, won't we?

-[all] Yeah!
-Oh, come on then, let's go.

You draw that flag.

-Are you having fun, yeah?
-[all] Yeah.

Are you having fun or not?
Do you want five detentions?

OK, so you're having fun, yeah?

-Yeah!
-No.

-We're having such a good
time with these...
-No!

Ah, you! Come on.
Do you want to get out?

[Chabsie] All done, boss.

So look at this. Got all
the keys here, mate, yeah?

-That one's for the top one, OK?
-OK.

This one there.
That one for that one.

That one for that one.
This one for that one.

So they're all here, OK, boss?

If your station
is secure enough,

then no one should
be able to get in.

It don't matter what
they do on the outside.

Do you mind getting that one,
actually? And the bottom one?

Ready?
One, two, three, and lift.

You seen that film "Panic Room",
with Jodie Fosters in?

[director] Yeah.

We're going for
that sort of vibe.

Cos you said there were seven,
but I can only see four.

There's four on here, but
there's actually seven
locks on the door.

There's three ghost locks
and they're actually
the most impenetrable.

No one's going to be able to
get into this place, man.

I'm going to take this to
the top of the blocks
and chuck it off.

Try and, like, smash it open.

-All right, Steves.
-See you in a bit.

Right, let's test her out.

Integrity test, yeah?
Good idea, let me just...

Shit, bruv.

Let me...

-What have you done?
-Shit, um...

I left the keys in there.
We're locked out, so...

Oh, you fucking donkey!
Robyn's in there.

Oh, good idea. Robyn!

Listen, there's seven keys
on the counter.

-She's not saying anything, man.
-Are you thick? She doesn't
even speak English yet.

She's not going to understand
your weird, stupid accent.

-Of course.
-Robyn!

Robyn! Stay calm!

Daddy's going to save you!

What? V-I.

-ET.
-E-T.

-N.
-Wait!

-N. Yeah?
-A.

A. M. OK, good.

-Tony? Tony?
-S. Come on!

If I could just have you...

Look, can you just take it
down a notch?

We need these worksheets to
last till the end of the day.

Someone's worried about losing.

Trying to get in my head?
Ain't happening, mate.
Let's go, come on!

-Mr...
-[Grindah laughs]

Ah, sick! Chinook!
Let's get in!

We're better than you!

Right, just ignore him.

Mr Zografos obviously
is a little bit excited.

Fuck's sake, man, should have
brought our weapons out with us.

We're vulnerable. Fuck!

-[ringtone]
-Oh, shit!

Hello, Roche.

How are you?

No. Yeah, no, everything's fine.
Yeah, cool, cool.

Yeah, cool, cool.

Just at studio
with Robyn and the boys.

Cool, cool, cool.

I'm not saying "cool" loads.
Everything's fine.

Yeah, I can get milk.

This is definitely
going to work.

Just going to go
for the launch.

Sorry! That's mine!

I didn't think about this bit.

Excuse me, mate!

Er, could you just look
after that for me?

What would your nan want
you to do with the money?

That's partly the stressful
thing about having the money

is I don't really know what
she wanted me to do with it.

So I'm just holding on to it
for now and just spending it on

just little things,
like essentials, like,

food and, like, weed and that.

Ah, thanks, you lot.
Sorry for that.

Right, I'll bundle it.
Excuse me!

Excuse me! What's she doing?

She just fucked off with the...
Sorry, bruv, no, no, no!

No, no, that's... Bruv!

It's actually my...
It's my inheritance money.

Ah, for fuck's sake!

Waste of money, innit?

Angel, do you want to come
and have lunch with Mummy?

Shall we scooch up
so I can just fit in?

Erm... There's no room.

Right.

-You all right?
-Yeah. You all right?

How's the quiz going?
Got many left?

Well, how many have
you got left?

Fuck knows. My group are
all stuck-up little bitches.

You made your own packed lunch?

-Yeah.
-Did you leave the crust
on your sandwiches though?

Yeah, it's actually quite long
to get them off, so just...

I don't really mind
about this any more.

Changed quite a lot, see?

Oh!

It is quite dry,
the crust, innit?

Ah, that's better.

Look, I've got a coat hanger,
mate. This normally works.

-[Robyn cries]
-I can't wait any more, Chabsie.

-What? What?
-This is insane.

Robyn, I'm coming!
Daddy's coming!

What are you doing, man?
Easy, man, watch the door.

Oh, my God! Our door!

When you're a dad, you sort of
get this superhuman strength.

Like, if your child is at any
risk you basically turn
into Wolverine.

But obviously without
the blades bursting out
of the skin and that.

That would be hard to
look after a baby with all
that madness going on.

Daddy's here. I'mma save you.

I'm sorry about that.
I'll never leave you again.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, my God!

What's it saying?
Is it...is it gone?

Yes, mate, locks
are definitely broken,

which is a real shame because
they were put on beautifully.

Yeah, we're open to attack
right now, mate,

and we don't even have
a front door, so, please.

Listen, mate, if it does come
down to a fighting situation,

they're going to have
to get through me first.
I'm getting sick of it, mate.

If they come down, what I'm
going to do, first thing,
yeah, right in the eyes, yeah?

Grab them by the throat,
like that, bang, yeah? Ankle...

I know so much about fighting,
yeah? And when it comes
to fighting...

you don't need to punch a man.

Wait there one sec. Show me.

You grab him by
the throat, he's out.

-Yeah.
-Body lock.

Body lock, like that, yeah?

Like that and then tickle him.

He wakes up.

He's pissed himself
on the floor, lying there.

-That's too far, man.
-Yeah, sorry, mate.

"Chabuddy G, I'm not
fucking with him again."

No fingerprints, no blood.
It's cleaner.

Apart from the piss, obviously.

-You know...
-Just do the door.

Yeah, sorry, man.

[Miche] The army men were
so fit then, weren't they?

Yeah. Reminds me a lot of
myself back in the radio days.

-A few weeks ago.
-Yeah.

-Just real, strong,
proper men saving the world.
-Yeah.

Like I used to with my lyrics.

Do you not miss it?
I feel like this isn't you.

You're not a teacher.
You're a soldier.

You're right.

Even my mum used to say it.

She used to say I was her
brave little soldier.

Of course I'm not a teacher.
Teachers are pathetic!

I'm built for more.
I'm a soldier.

I'm a soldier!

-What? Stevie, is that you?
-Yeah, man.

-What's happened
to the fucking door?
-Hold on one minute.

-Did they come?
-Oh, yeah. No, no. No.

-They been here?
-I'll explain later. We had a
bit of an issue, but it's cool.

-Steves, you got it open, yeah?
-Yeah.

Had a bit of a "Crystal Maze"
moment in the car park,
but I got most of it back.

All right, Nan? Are you
fuming at me about the money?

I'll put it all under the bed
again. It's safer there, innit?

Steves, take the bat.

-What?
-Take it.

You're on guard duty.

Have I got to hit people?

But I've never hit anyone.

How long have I got
to be on guard duty?

You're doing 12 hours on,
12 hours off.

We need to invent some sort
of password or something.

All right, cool.

Jesus!

Listen up, people!

I've got a little
announcement to make.

Shh! Come on,
turn around this way.

Being here today
has inspired me,

and it's made me realise
that I shouldn't be here.

I'm a general. I've got my own
war to fight - the Kold War.

And I'm ready to die
for my lyrical freedom,

cos I am Kurupt FM
and no one can take me down.

Mr Zografos,
would you mind st...

Rahim, mate, you wouldn't
understand, yeah?

My work here is done. The kids
know what they're doing.

I've inspired them already,
and to be honest,

I'm bigger than all this
teaching bollocks, yeah?

Right now I'm needed
on the front line.

Miche...

I'll see you soon.

This is your time.

It is my time.

[Miche] All men have to fight.

A real man does
what needs to be done.

No, he's not scared
and he doesn't care
what other people think.

In a bit. Make sure you lot
lock into 108.9, yeah?

That's the kind of man I want.
Someone who fights for
what he believes in

and looks good in a cap.

[Rahim] OK, if your group
joins me over here...

We've got to be ready for war,
for whatever happens, mate.

-Yeah.
-Ready to die.
If we're going to go out,

we've got to go out like men,
mate, in a blaze of glory.

It's the return of the general.

I think I'll be remembered as
one of the great leaders
of our generation.

I missed this place.

Before me you had people
like Churchill,

that bro with the little 'tache
that used to shout loads.

You know, powerful leaders
that inspired the people.

Back to take control
of my station.

Boys!

-Someone's outside!
-Who's that?

-Deal with it, Steves!
-What do you mean?

What? What's going on?

-Come on, man.
-Just me?

-You'll have to fight them.
-On my own?

I'm the main one.
I need to be protected.

It's my first shift,
I'm not ready for this.

Stevie, listen, listen!
I've got you, don't worry.

What the fuck?
I can hear you lot talking.

Erm... What...
What's the password?

Pass...? I don't know what...
There wasn't a password
when I was last here.

-Is that Grindah?
-Does kind of
sound like Grindah.

He could be doing an impression.

-Is this a new thing?
-They've got him
tied up or something.

Sorry, mate, could you say
the password, please, mate?

I don't know. Kurupt FM?

-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!

Oh!

Come here.

Come here. Let it out.

Throughout my whole life
I've always thought,
"What would Grindah do?"

-Daddy's back, all right?
-Yeah.

-Nothing can harm you now.
-So good to see you, man.

Cos look what he's done for me.

We're on Brentford's
biggest pirate radio station

and I'm 31 years old.

I've accomplished a lot.

Welcome home, mate.

Please, Steve, mate, I ain't
staying at this shit hole.

-I'm only back for radio.
-Fair enough.

I'm here to show everyone
that Kurupt FM is not
to be fucked with,

cos we're the biggest,
baddest, rough-neckest

radio station in
the land, like.

-Trust me, trust me.
-Best believe!

-[Robyn bawls]
-Oh, for fuck's sake.

She's banned from the station
for a start, yeah?

-No chicks at radio.
-Fair enough.

Yeah, and hurry up,
we've got things to do.

[Angel] Time to jump! Pow!

There's Nazis everywhere.

Yaaa!

Yeah. Angel?

Angel, why don't you go and
kill the Nazis in your bedroom?

-Yes, Mum!
-Yeah, good girl.

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

-You could have helped.
-Sorry, man.

Why do you bring a baby
along to everything?

The most damaging thing you
can do to a pirate station

-is take down their aerial.
-Yeah.

-Come on.
-I might have to catch you up.

But we did something even
more clever. We took down
our own aerial.

Exactly. My little idea,
actually.

-Yeah.
-This way they'll never find it.

-Oh, yeah, yeah! Kold FM, yeah?
-Yeah, trust me.

If you lot are listening, yeah,

I'd love to see you try and take
down our aerial now, mate, yeah?

Exactly, yeah.

No pirate in their right mind
would ever keep their aerial
at their station.

It's a double bluff.
It's so stupid that, like...

"Ah, surely they wouldn't
do that, would they?"

-Yeah.
-It's unthinkable.

-Idiots.
-Fucking dickheads.

[they rap]

-♪ Typical stars of the G ♪
-One!

♪ To the I, N to the diddy
Rapper MC inside the committee ♪

♪ When I'm on the mic
you know I get giddy ♪

♪ Kurupt FM,
that's my communititty! ♪

Hold tight Lady Miche, yeah?

Making man remember
that man is a general at it.

Max back in a-dah place!

♪ MC Grindah,
back like I never left ♪

♪ And I stay high like
the peaks of the Everest ♪

♪ Old school, like booking
flights through Teletext ♪

-♪ Put the microphone beneath ♪
-Hey!

♪ I'll deliver you like FedEx
or Air Mail... ♪

[director] Is it good
to have Grindah back, then?

-Come here.
-It's like, you know when
you need a shit on the bus,

but there's nowhere you can go,
and it's getting more painful?

And then you think, "Fuck, I'm
going to actually shit myself."

Grindah's like the McDonald's in
the horizon. It's coming closer.

I get there and it
just flies out.

Yeah.