People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 3, Episode 6 - Valentines - full transcript

Come on, Abdi, pass it.
Easy, easy does it.

Here we go!

Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day is
a day for romance! [chuckles]

Mmm! You can really smell
the sex in the air, isn't it?

What is that smell, actually?

I actually got us a really
good deal on 40 crates
of mackerel, you know?

And, like, uh, you know,
seafood on Valentine's Day,

it's like an aphrodisiac.

Yeah, but I don't think that
applies to gone-off mackerel.

-Oh, balloons!
You did that as well?
-Yeah.



-Titi!
-They're all over, look,
behind you and...

I feed the love. Hey,
all you need is love, isn't it?

And maybe some lovely mackerel.

[chuckles]

[Roche] Oh, come on, Kevin.
She's not gonna wait for you!

Oooh! Kevin, come on!

-I'm just looking
for something. One minute!
-Stop looking!

Now, Kevin! Ooh!

-Oooh!
-I can't find my chinos.

-Forget your chinos!
Let's just go!
-All right, cool.

-Don't forget the bag!
-Bag, bag.

-Oooh!
-Got the bag.

Aaaah! Ooh!

-Okay, got the bag.
-Ah, good.



-Where's Craig?
-He's out with his dad.
Just hurry up!

Shhh! Shhh! Keep it down.
Grindah's asleep.

I don't give a fuck
about Grindah!

Just get me to the hospital
and get her out of me.

Okay. How do you wanna do it?
Cos I've only got the ped.

-Call a cab.
-Okay, yeah, call a cab.

All right. Oh, yeah, there's
this mad thing called Uber.
You heard about it?

It says I need to update
my card details.
Do you know your card number?

-Hurry the fuck up!!
-Okay, okay.

[drum and bass plays]

Big day today.
Valentine's special.

So we're going to have
a little aerial revamp,

make sure the signal's
extra crispy, innit, mate?

-We're going get on that soon.
-I'm going to meet my nan, man.

-I'll see you in a bit.
-It's Valentine's...

-Steves. Fuck's sake!
-I always meet her.

Beats has fucked off already.
Great, so I'm left
on my own again.

-I'll be about, man.
-Ah, you need one of
the main ones. Fuck's sake!

Yeah, Valentine's Day is one
of the most important sets

in the Kurupt calendar
and I'll tell you why.

Cos we see it as a way of
building up listeners, yeah?

Think about it. Like, usually,
you'd be listening to Kurupt
on your one's, innit?

But on Valentine's Day,
you'd be there with your girl
or your man or whatever.

So that's already double
the listeners, at least.

Cos obviously some cultures
have more than one partner.

But we see that
more as a bonus.

[Chabuds] Okay, enjoy it.

Hey, happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, threesome. Very European.

-[ringtone]
-Kevin, you old slut!

[laughs] What?!
What, right now?!

Okay. Um, yeah, yeah!
Okay, stay calm, mate!

[panicking] Kevin, stay calm!

Okay, okay, yeah!
I...I can come!

I can come. Yeah, I can come!
Um? Let me just...
I'll bring the Merc.

Later. Oh, my keys! I got...

-Where's my keys?
Where's my keys?
-I don't know.

-I totally understand...
-You do not understand!

I do not understand what
you're going through, but...

You're not even close
to understanding! Oooh!

-♪ Twinkle, twinkle... ♪
-Oh, fuck you! Aaaah! Aaah!

Chabzilla. Yeah, it's getting
a bit nuts here, mate.

You're getting a bit sectiony.
Yeah.

-[horn beeps]
-Oh, he's pulling up.
He's pulling up.

-Oooh! Help me. Help.
-Let's go.

-Yeah, please. Help me. Help me.
-Aaaah!

[drum and bass plays]

Have you spoken to Beats yet?

Nah, he's on some, like,
"Oh, I going down the hospital
because, uh,

I care about Roche. I wanna
hold her hand while she's
having a baby"!

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

When Angel was born,
did I miss a set?

No.

No, I didn't, no. Exactly.

I put radio before everything,
cos I actually care about it.

Plus I didn't really clock
that's why

I had all the missed calls
from Decoy and Miche.

I'll just give it a little
back-comb as well just
to give it a bit more volume.

You had any Valentine's Day
cards, Tyler?

-A fair few.
-Yeah, I bet you did!

Look at him! He's such
a little player!

You can tell, cos he's got
the earring. That's how
you tell a player.

He's single. He's available,
Miche. Just saying.

What am I like?
Turning into my mother.

People have asked me if I think
me and Grindah are going
to get back together.

The answer at the moment
is I don't know.
It all depends on him.

[director] What's your
Facebook status?

Oh, God, yeah.
That took me days to work out.

I went for "it's complicated".
Because the situation is
complicated.

I didn't really know
what that meant before,
but now I really understand it.

Oh, lovely! Who are they for?

-Uh, Susan.
-Oh, more for Susan.

You little whore-bag.

-Wow! She's a complete slut.
-Oh, they're beautiful.

-Thank you very much.
-Oh, someone's getting lucky.

Where are you gonna put 'em?
In your living room?

Yeah. I'll put them
with all the others.

Taxi for the lady
with the flowers!

-Right, pull it up, mate.
-Ooh! Ooh!

Right, come on. Let's go.
Okay, stay clenched.

-I'm clenching.
-All right.

Get out the way, you bad jobs!

-Do you need anything
from the bag?
-No, no. Keep going!

-Ah, fuck!
-What, what, what?

-I've got Craig's bag.
-What?!

It's got an empty packet
of ham and a pencil case in.

-I don't want any fucking ham!
-Let me check the pencil case.

-Might be something
useful in there.
-Good idea.

-Forget about the pencil case!
-Ah, forget about that.

Okay, let's go, let's go!

-Which way?
-Right!

-No, right, right, right!
-Right!

[whispers] Come through.

We're all clear.

Time for you lot to see
who the real solider
of Kurupt FM is, yeah?

Keep it down, yeah?
Here she is.

Fucking hell! It's high, innit?

Every general needs their army
working as a unit.

So you need your team there
to be, like, pre-rolling
your zoots,

make sure the phone's charged,
track listing right.

Like, there just bare things
to think about. Check the
aerial, make sure it's crisp.

Ooh!

Aah, fuck!

Fucking hell, this is mental.

Someone in my position shouldn't
be doing things like this.

Hold on.

Fanta?

Is it sounding clearer?

Is it sounding worse then?

No. Well then, say it's sounding
clearer then. Don't...

Right. Good.

Seen Lorna's new whip?

[director] What's been your
favourite Valentine's Day?

Me and my nan once went to
this place called Blackpool,

where there's these, um...
they do this lights thing.

Come true.

-Steve...
-Easy.

And we, uh... Well, I did
acid and she, like, had
a glass of wine.

And we just had a really
nice evening.

Oi, oi! Bo-Nan-za!

-You seen my nan, Pete?
-Uh...

Hi, Steve. Um, can we have a
little chat, please, in private?

Yeah. Okay? The number that
you gave us, it's not working.
It's wrong.

I always give fake numbers out
to people I don't know. Sorry.

Just...come in the office
there, darlin'.

Has my nan been
in trouble again?

There you go.

-Just take a...just take a s...
-[door closes]

Can't really see much.
Stained glass.

[sighs]

-Kevin.
-Fucking madness in there.

-Did you get my message
about the bag?
-Yeah, man.

Yes! Roche's been
switching about this.

Ah!

[burps]

I'm knackered.

-Your mum's doing
all right, as well.
-Yeah?

Right, boys,
I'll be back in a bit.

-Nice one, Chabsie.
Appreciate it, man.
-No worries.

It's ten centimetres now.
Ten centimetres!

The beautiful,
disgusting miracle of birth.

-How you doing though, Craigy?
You all right, yeah?
-Yeah.

You must be so excited, mate?
You're about to have
a little brother.

Sister.

Don't be too sure, mate, okay?

I had, um...
I had a friend once,

who was unfortunately born
with a micro-penis.

And, um, you know, for months,

they I was...they thought
he was a girl.

[laughs] What?!

Anyway...I'd better shoot off.

I've got stuff to do.

See you in a bit, yeah?

My nan normally says that you
have to live for the moment.

Uh, cos tomorrow
might never happen.

And yesterday don't matter.

You have to be in the present.

What day is it today?
Wednesday? Tuesday?

-It's Friday.
-Friday.

It's about time that I spat
this rhyme about this day
called Valentine.

And I must say Grindah's
so fine, cos I've got the flow
to make a body whine. Yes!

And you're locked into
the sounds of the legendary
mandem MC Grindah,

DJ Fantasy, for the Valentine
special Fantasy/Grind-time hour.

[tuning radio]

[Grindah raps]

..With a spoonful
of something romantic.

Me and Grindah never really
celebrated Valentine's Day.

There was this one time
though, actually.

We went to a restaurant
and then we ran away
without paying the bill.

We did have to pay it
in the end though.

Cos Grindah left his jacket
there with an ounce of weed
in the pocket.

We had to go back and apologise.

Remember, text in,
call in or whatever.

Send in your sexy shouts
and dedications.

-Especially girls!
-Trust me, ladies!
Phone number to call...

07050 030 108.9!

Just wait now.

-[ringtone beeps]
-Oh, shit. Phone-line crew.

Raw! All right then. Hold tight,
the phone-line crew, yeah?

Message reads.
"Big up the people

that are doing runners from
romantic restaurants tonight.

Don't leave your jacket
there." Uh...

Ain't really got a clue
what the hell you're
talking about.

But, yeah, probably
means something to you.

So, yeah, 035, yeah?

Big yourself up.

I don't think he got
the reference, so...

If anyone knows what the hell
that person's banging
on about, please...

[radio turns off]

Back to work.

I don't really think
there's any such thing as,

like, an end and a beginning.

This is just another chapter
in our love story.

To be continued.

Do you think that
will happen soon?

I mean, I'm really hoping
it will happen soon,

cos I'm quite close to my goal
weight for the wedding,

and I don't want to put it
back on with all the upset.
So, ideally.

Okay, come.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you
our new daughter.

Fresh out the vagina.
Still warm as well.

-This is Robyn.
-Robyn Aerial.

That is to be determined.

I'm very high right now.

They had to sedate her
cos she kept going mental

-and threatening me.
-Yeah!

Oh...

-Hello, mate.
-Oh, look at that big yawn.

Love is a madness. It makes
you do things you never
thought you would normally do.

Like, my plan was to be a DJ,
make loads of money
off of bookings and that.

Sell a bit of weed
and buy a yard.

Now, I'm a family man.

Yeah! I mean, I've got to go
and blaze in the garden
and that, but...

It's all right, I suppose.
Still sick.

Ah, there we go.

-That's better, innit?
-[Craig whispers]

-What?
-How do I connect to the Wi-Fi?

This is more interesting
than the internet.

Do you know what's amazing?
One day, this...

will turn into something
like that.

-Yeah.
-Perfectly formed.

-Hold tight, the phone-line
crew, yeah? 0705 030...
-[ringtone]

Hello.

All right, one sec.
It's a chick. Get ready.

What you say? What's your name
and where'd you come from?

-[girl] Is Decoy there?
-No, Decoy's not here.

-I'm the main one.
It's MC Grindah.
-[line goes dead]

-Hello?
-Did she hang up?

She didn't hang up.
She just...got cut off,
cos she ran out of credit.

[sighs]

Um, Chabuds. Have a word.
I think...something's wrong.

-What's up, Stevie?
You all right, mate?
-Yeah, man.

Just normal, everyday
getting along with things.

-You been...you been crying?
-Ah...nah.

Just my eyes are, probably.
I'm not.

Okay, listen, mate,
I get it, okay?

You don't want to be a
dishwasher your whole life.

It's not that, man.
I really like this job.

[sniffs] It's...cos my...
nan died.

-Oh, shit.
-Earlier today, yeah.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know.

-No. [sniffs]
-Is that why you're
wearing that ring?

Yeah. We've both got quite
similar, feminine hands.
[sniffs]

Come here.

Bring it in, guys, come on.

[sniffs] Mmmm!

Life is...hard.

-It's hard...
-Okay! Let's get back to work.

Yeah?

-Oh, is that your hand?
-Yeah.

[mobile beeps]

Beats has had his yute,
apparently.

Is it? Sick.

How's that sick?

He was meant to be here.

We're meant to be spending
Valentine's together
like we always do.

Do you know what?

Thinking about it...

there's probably a free
position for you, mate.

Yeah, you'll have
to fill his boots.

Gonna need someone who
actually cares about music

and doesn't have a girlfriend
to constantly thrown
them off everything.

-I have a wife, man.
-You've got a wife?!

-Yeah.
-But you're, like, 17.

Oh, God! Do they...

force you to get married
at a young age in your culture?

What?! No. I'm 27, man.

Oh, right. Fucking hell.

Hold on. So...you're only
here cos your chick's at work?

Do you know what? Fuck that!
You can leave as well then.

-But we're not due to finish
for another hour.
-Don't care.

-I'm not playing second best.
Go and wait outside.
-Serious?

-Just fucking leave, bro!
-Are you serious?

-I don't want you here.
-We've got an hour left, man!

-For fuck's sake!
-I don't want you here. Get out!

Fucking get out!

Yeah, go on!

[director] Do you ever worry
that people will quit
the station?

Nah! I ain't got to worry
about shit like that.

Just look at Beats
and his baby. It's a phase.

Yeah? Once it's born, once
it's screaming all night
and that,

he'll be the one running back
to me, like, "Oh, can I do
another set at radio?"

"Ooh, we need a DJ!"

I can DJ myself.
I don't need anyone.

All I need is me, like.

-You ready?
-I'm ready.

-Bye, Miche!
-Bye!

Ooh! Careful!

Take those. Sure you're all
right locking up on your own?

Yeah, it's fine. You lot have
got places to be, so I'll
just do the towels.

He'll come to his
senses soon enough.
I bet he misses you today.

-Okay.
-Night.

-See you tomorrow.
-Bye.

Girls!

[Grindah] Hold tight,
everyone out there

with their special
someone right now.

Hold tight, the single
mandem too, yeah?
I see's ya.

Beats usually just does that
and it works.

Usually I could do it
but I'm...

I'm distracted.

[sighs]

Valentine's Day crew.

I've got someone
I've gotta go see.

Normal radio will
resume tomorrow.

In a bit.

[sighs] Listen to me,
Stevie mate, yeah?

The Lord giveth,
the Lord taketh awayeth, okay?

Did you know that Beats and
Roche had their child today?

Did it? That's good.

That's how it works,
mate, yeah?

We pass it on to
the next generation.

We live on through them.

It's the circle of life, mate.

One life ends, another begins.

That's mad. I didn't know
that's how it worked.

Your nan's spirit will live on.

That's sick.

All right?

-Oh...
-What d'you want?

-Beats.
-Grindah.

Nice, bruv.
So you came, man?

-Yeah.
-Did you leave radio?

Yeah, I turned it off
for the day, innit?

-What, for me?
-Yeah.

Fuck it, why not? I thought
I'd come and see you.

Cheers, mate.

I want to introduce you
to someone.

-This is Robyn Aerial.
-Oh...

-She likes you.
-Just grabbed my finger.

-Yeah.
-I'm still quite annoyed
at you though, man.

I had to do radio
on my own all day.

I done the aerial on my own.
You got no idea what
that's like.

I hear you, mate, but sometimes
things are just more important.

-Otherwise...
-Otherwise what?

Otherwise you end up
on your mate's sofa.

Yeah, well, that is my
decision cos I could have gone
on his top bunk, so...

Have you spoken to Miche?
You two really need to talk.

No, I ain't heard from her.

-Did you have a good
Valentine's Day?
-Yeah.

-Yeah? Did you get
any more cards?
-Three.

Three?!

Did you have a nice day?

Yeah.

This is nice.

[Roche] She loves you, you know?

Fuck knows why, but she does.

You two have really
got something.

You've got far too much
to let it all just

fall by the wayside and
not, like, nurture it,

like a garden, you know?
You've got a garden...
Fuck, I'm really fucking high.

-Yeah!
-Of course she loves me.

-Of course she does.
-She worships me.

-Mmm?
-I knew it. No, you're right.

-I'm gonna get her back.
-Yeah?

-Yeah.
-He's gonna get her back!

-Yeah! Take it easy, Ro?
-They're my flowers.

Yeah, but you've seen 'em now,
anyway. Miche loves flowers,
probably.

-Good luck, mate.
-Cheers, mate.

-Grindah.
-Yeah?

-Pure Kuruption!
-Each and every.

-108.9.
-Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Oh!

May love be with you forever.

See you later.

[sighs] Titi. Listen. You
can leave early. You get
out of here.

-I'll take care of everything.
I'll clean up.
-No, no, no.

-I can't let you do everything.
-No, it's fine.

Listen, look. It's
Valentine's Day, yeah?

You should be out there
getting wined or dined.

-Not both?
-Hey, definitely both!

-You deserve both.
-No, it's okay.

Unless you've got some weird
reason for needing to get
rid of me.

-Like you've booked
a stripper or something.
-[they laugh]

No, I haven't done that
for years.

If I did want to treat myself,
I'd probably go for an escort.

It's more classier.

[laughs]

-Mmm.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Just you lot?
-Yes, Steves.

Oh, right, they're all
coming in to look at me
like this today.

-I just came to see her.
-Oh?

Put it there.

Thanks for coming, man.

-Do you wanna have a hold?
-Can I hold her?

-Is that all right?
-Yeah, course it is.

-Just don't drop her.
-It's your Uncle Steves.

Whoops. Got her?

Hello, Nana.

It's me. Steves.

I'll look after
your ring for you.

Till you're big enough
to wear it yourself.

I've got your glasses, Nan.

The circle of life, innit?

-Yeah.
-Chabuds was right.

I knew you wouldn't go.

Ooh! Oh! Delicious.

-Glad you like.
-Try it. Open your mouth wide.

No. I'll do it myself.

Can you taste the Viagra?

I'm joking, I'm only joking!

Viagra's pretty
tasteless, anyway.

Mm. Hey, how about some wine?

-I can see what you're doing.
-What? It's...

It's for her. It's for the nan.

-Give her a little send-off.
-Okay, go ahead.

Yeah? Okay, cool.

Mmm.

Okay, stop. Stop, stop!

It's for Nan! It's for Nan!

[gargles]

Uuuh!

-You really get the taste
if your gargle wine.
-Oh, really?

[sighs] It's now or
never really, innit?

Didn't know you were
coming over.

-Is that all right?
-Yeah, I guess so.

-Got you these. They're flowers.
-Thank you.

-The vase as well?
-Yeah. Sort of comes with 'em.

[sighs]

Look, Miche...

I just wanted to come over
and just...

I just wanted to
let you know that I'm...

-I'm ready for you
to take me back.
-Oh, right?

Yeah. Cos nothing really that
bad actually happened and...

It's been ages now and I've
said I'm sorry, so...

-No, you haven't.
-Well, I'm saying it now then.
Don't be all weird.

Look, point is that Beats
and Roche got their kid now,

and I can't stay there any more
and I just want us to get
back together.

But do you think anything
has actually changed?

No, but that's the point, like.
Nothing needs to change.

Like, we'll just go back
to how it was.

-That's not how it works.
-Do you want to explain how it
works to me. Can I come in?

-No, I don't think
it's a good idea.
-What? Have you got a man there?

What?! Of course not. The point
is that you don't give a shit.

You're only here cos
Beats kicked you out.

It's not Beats' house.
It's Roche's house and
they didn't chuck me out.

-They asked me to leave.
-You only care about yourself.

You're so lucky to have me
and you haven't got a clue.

-Yeah? Well, maybe you
ain't got a clue, mate.
-I deserve more than this.

Yeah, well, good luck trying
to find someone better than me!

Fuck's sake!

Miche! Oh, come on!

That's not what
I meant. That's not how
it's meant to happen. Miche!

Miche!

Please, Miche.

I'm sorry.

Fuck's sake.

Let's take the stairs.

If you're happy, yeah,
you should make sure
that nothing changes.

Just do the same thing every day
for the rest of your life.

Yeah, but change is good,
though, innit?

Like, sometimes it's good
to leave your comfort zone.

Like, I didn't think
I'd like Thai food.
It's actually quite bangin'.

All right, mate?

Yep.

[Miche] Am I philosophical?
Yeah.

And that's why I think that
memes and sayings can
really help out.

Dance like nobody's watching.

If you love someone,
let them go.

When you're at your weakest
you need to be at your
strongest.

What you doing?

It's a bag.

[Miche] What's that?

-A Valentine's card.
-It's beautiful. Thank you.

[sniffs] Mmm!

Chateau blanche.

-No, it's red.
-Is it?

[Steves] I believe that everyone
has a purpose on this Earth

and that we will
never know what that is.

Thanks, Nan.

What's that?

Do you want one?
Helps you relax.

[Steves] Cos you can spend
your whole life thinking
and you get to the end,

and your brain turns off
and that's it.

So you might as well just...

chill out, enjoy it
a little bit.

Yeah, go on then. Fuck it.

[Grindah] If you find
something you like, you
should just keep doing that,

regardless of what
anyone else says, yeah?

Like, that's living the dream.

Fuck everything else, yeah?

Life's too short. Innit?

Yeah.

Grindah.

Grindah.

Uh?

[laughs]