People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 3, Episode 5 - Ipswich - full transcript

Roche, do you need your
passport to go in Ipswich?

Only if you're going via France.

Right. I'll have to
double-check with Chabuds.

-You might need it for
the tolls up North.
-You don't.

You know, this is our
first out-of-town gig,

and, um, it's my first gig
as their manager, so, uh...

I need to prove that, um...
Hold on.

I need to prove that I'm...

..worth it. [laughs]

But, no, in all seriousness,
like, um, you know...

The boys have put their trust
in me and I can't let them down.



[Beats] We basically fight
to sort it all out, so just
let Chabuds do it really.

Yeah, like, we've got to focus
just on the performance.

It's our first nationwide tour,
so....

-Spreading the seed.
-Yeah. Lyrically!

-And literally as well, innit?
-Yeah.

Big night! Big night!

Tonight is gonna be
quite the test with all
the bloody groupie action.

Sweet! Good to go.

Oh! Only bloody forgot
the condoms, didn't I?

[Miche] Got you some breakfast.

[director] So have you
and Grindah broken up?

No, we haven't broken up.
I'm just giving him some time

to think about what
he really wants and, you know,

think about all the things that
he's been taking for granted.



And in the meantime, it gives
me a chance to get to know
who Miche really is.

Some Miche time.

-Easy.
-You all right?

Oh, we're out of milk, mate.

-Oh, is there not enough
left for me?
-No, I like it really milky.

[Grindah] Ugh!
You having it dry?

[Grindah slurps up his milk]

-I can't wait. Excited?
-Yeah, same. Jinx. [laughs]

-You ready, mate?
-Oh, hold on.

-[horn beeps]
-Oh, mate! He's here.

-Yes! Come on, let's go.
-Come on.

You seen this?
Our very own tour van.

-This is the official
Kurupft FM tour bus.
-Brother!

-Yeah?
-Smashed it.

I've designated
a driver as well.

So, Deecy, ali up me,
brother, okay?

And, boys, for you...

-I've installed a
state-of-the-art sound system!
-Ah, yes! We love music!

-Customised interior as well.
-That's why I did it.

[director] How long
is the tour going to be then?

Put it this way, yeah? One leg
naturally follows another.

-Oh, so is there a second?
-There's not a second, just...

-Loads of shows.
-At the moment,
it's one booking, but, yeah.

-You never know. On the way
back from...Ipswich.
-We might find somewhere.

Look at that!
Personalised window plates.

-"No photos" cos we're famous!
-That's it, fuck off!

I love travelling!

-[Steves gags]
-Ugh! Steves.

-Steves, you been sick already?
-I've got a delicate system,
innit?

If you're gonna be sick
constantly, then get
into the back.

-I don't want to
see or smell you. Shoot!
-I just got it cleaned as well.

-Get out. Just get out.
-It's worse in the back.

[Steves] My job on tour
is to a) DJ...

B) keep up the vibe.

And c) try not to be sick
in the car.

[director] How do you think
you'll on those?

Uh, good on the first two,
not so good on the last one.

Get in! See you later, mate.

-Comfy as well.
-Oh-ho, mate!

-[beeps horn]
-Oh! [laughs]

This is gonna be incredible! Uh!

-You all right, Miche?
-Oh, yeah. No,
I'm fine. Thank you.

Just you've been shampooing her
hair for about 20 minutes, so...

Yeah. No, it's just, um...

She had very dirty hair,
so I just...

Getting it all cleaned up.

[director] Have you
spoken to Grindah?

No, not yet. Sometimes the most
powerful thing you can say
is nothing at all.

-Is that a quote?
-Yeah, it's from one
of my favourite memes.

-Oh, mate, follow that sign
to the North!
-The North!

Fuck it, this is proper, like...
We're in a jungle right now.

Look at that, it's like
the bloody Serengeti.

[Beats] This is actually
the most amount of green
I've ever seen.

[director] And are you
excited about the tour?

He hasn't stopped banging
on about it, bless him.

No, can't wait to go travelling,
yeah, yeah.

First time leaving the manor
and that. It's gonna be sick.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Like proper leaving.
Like motorway leaving.

Yeah, d'you know what I mean?

[Grindah and Beats rap]

-Old time beat upon the deck.
-When I'm on the mic I...

-[both] Bass 'em, bass 'em!
-Cos I look like Jason Statham.

Lyrically, I helter skelter
cos physically I'm Idris Elba.

-Fuckin' hell, yeah.
-Yeah, I look like him, innit?

-Yeah, that's mad.
-All right, guys, guys, guys.

I have organised a services
stop in T minus 400 yards.

-Hope you're hungry.
-Oh, what?!

-Chabsie!
-Come on, boy!

-Come on!
-Smashed it, brother!

Stevie! Wake up, boy!

Wipe yourself down.
We're going services.

Yeah, clean the sick off
your chin, you mess!

I'm starving.
What you going go for?

Crisps.

Come on!

-[laughter]
-Services!

I'm about to get serviced!
Oh, mate!

-Remember, stay in the budget.
-Have they've got different
flavour crisps up North?

Only time will tell. After you.

-Thank you.
-[laughter]

Straight off the back,
I'm having them.

Soup? [laughs]
Who eats soup?

-Oh, f....
-All right, mate.

-What's that smell?
-Oh, it's just...

I'll clean it up later.

It's fine. I didn't have
breakfast. It's mainly
just spit.

Is this Ipswich?

Grindah. They've got
a coffee machine.

-What?
-Where you can make
your own coffee.

I don't even like coffee
but I'm going to have one
cos it looks sick.

-I'm gonna have one as well.
-Yeah, have a go.

-It's a computer!
-Yeah, I know.

-Has it got Wi-fi?
-It's an iPad. Go on, have a go.

Watch it go, watch it go!

-Oh, it's loading.
-Watch it go.

What?! It's coming out
of the computer!

-Oh, mate! [laughs]
That's fucking mental!
-That is sick.

Oh! Hi, Deecy.

We're like twins,
you know that? Go on.

-What am I thinking right now?
-Don't know.

I was thinking how great it is
that we're on our first lads'
holiday together.

Hey. Hands up!

[laughs]
It's a joke, man. Banter.

Chabads, you gotta go
and pay, mate.

Yeah. You lot stay
in the budget and that?

Yeah, yeah. Go and pay.
They're waiting for you.

[laughs]
Bare munch!

I'll pay, I'll pay, I'll pay.
How much is it?

£43 for that stuff
and £20 for the petrol.

Forty... £43?

You know, it can be
expensive being a manager.
There's loads of expenses.

And, obviously, you need
to front the cash for
the artistes.

I willing to do that,
cos I know that it's
gonna come back tenfold.

You like gold?

-I need cash, man. Pay the £43.
-Melt this down.

Whilst they're making
the number-one hits,

I'm gonna be the one
who's laughing. 15%, baby.

Simon Cowell, Puff Daddy.
I'm a mogul. That's
what moguls do.

Give me the five...
This is not Marrakesh, man.

This is a petrol pump, man.
Give me the other five.

Bloody Asian people.

It was a bit over-budget, yeah?
Just be careful next time.

-No worries, mate.
-I'll put it...

-Ugh! That's disgusting.
-Aw, get that away from me!

The crisps are ribbed
for pleasure.

Kurupt boys going global, mate.

Fuck.

Where they... Have they gone?

-Right, Miche.
-Yeah?

We've decided that we're taking
you out for drinks tonight.

-Me and the girls.
-Oh, my God! Really?

-Yeah!
-My first-ever work drinks.

Oh, my God! Amazing!

Are we going to go straight from
here? Cos I'm just thinking,

I'll get my mum
to drop off my outfit

-and I could jump on
the sun-bed for a bit.
-Not worry about it too much.

-It's just drinks.
-Yeah, I know. Of course. Fine.

Work drinks. I literally
can't believe it!

-I've never been before.
-Yeah, just local drinks.
Be nice though, won't it, girls?

-Yeah.
-It's gonna be mental.

It's literally drinks
round the corner, so don't...

-Don't stress about it.
-I love round the corner.
Perfect. I love drinks.

[Grindah] What? This
ain't even a real place?

-Decoy, where are we?
-I ain't got a clue.

-Why are you driving there then?
-Boys, don't worry.

It's a shortcut. I know where
I'm going. Just turn that round.

Yeah, we're fine. Keep going.

-Is this a village?
-Yeah, we're in a village, man.

-Look at that! Stop the van.
-Hurry up, brother.

One sec, one sec. [laughs]

[laughs]

Cum.

All right, mate. Are you going
to Ipswich, by any chance?

I'm not. Sorry.

Um, are you going near Ipswich?

-Nowhere near.
-Nowhere near?

Sorry.

Cos I won't be sick
in your car...

I'm still going to Ipswich.

-Is it that one, yeah?
-That's right, boys.

-Sick. It looks nice as well.
-Yeah, it's a Ramada...

Come on, get out. I need to
stretch my legs, man.
Fucking long.

-Ah, mate! That is long.
-Yeah.

They should have some sort
of rule about driving
more than an hour.

-Yeah.
-Journeys shouldn't
last that long.

I can't stop thinking
about that place.

-Ashfield-cum-Thorpe.
-Yeah.

-Cum's a joke, innit?
-Come on, Stevie. Oh?

-What's happened?
Has he been sick?
-Shit! No, he's...

-What?
-Oh, shit!

-At least we've got the bags
though, innit?
-Every silver cloud.

-Decoy, that's you, mate.
-Cheers, mate.

-Right, let's go. Ramada Inn!
-My new estate.

Do you reckon
they've got free Wi-fi?

-Of course they have.
-100%, mate.

Look at that, "International"!

Told you Kurupt
was going global.

Ladies, ladies!
What time is it?

-I think it's wine o'clock!
-Yeah! I love wine.

-Cheers, ladies.
-Cheers!

Here's to a big night out.

Night out, not a big one.

Mmm!

That is... Oh! [laughs]

Work's drinks, bitches!
Lavender out on the town!

-Lavender!
-2016!

-Yeah!
-Oh, and, Grindah,
if you're watching...

-Miche doesn't need you
to have a good time, yeah?
-You scum!

All right, Jackie, love,
calm down.

-Do you want a drink, Jackie?
-Yeah, I'm not gonna
post that one.

-Pretty big, innit?
-It's like a Coliseum, innit?

Of course it's massive. They're
gonna have to fill the shit
out of it for us, innit?

-Is it a sold-out event?
-100%, mate.

You lot got enough tape?
Cos we're about to smash
this place up, mate.

The promoter, yeah? Nice to
meet you, mate. Chabuddy G,
manager of Kurupt FM.

Nice to meet ya. Okay,
let me take you on through.

We've set up like
a green room for you.

I've set up like a green
room for you guys, yeah?

-Oh, arena one, very nice.
-Nuts!

The DJ's gonna have to turn
that shit off before we go on.

-Pool table as well.
-Yeah. It's quiet at the moment,
but it will pick up.

Okay, let me relay that message
on. It's quiet at the moment,
but it will pick up.

Tell him that I've done
all this shit before.
It's not my first club night.

-It's our second.
-Don't get involved constantly!

Rider, where's the rider?

I've the beers and
the Bob Marley party pack.

Bob Marley party pack.
Spot on!

[Grindah] If you go to
a promoter and you give
him your rider,

you can't just write, "Oh,
I want bare skunk now," yeah?

You've got to disguise it
somehow, d'you know what I mean?

-Bob Marley party
package, innit?
-Exactly.

Soon as you write that,
they know what time it is.

Feel free to sit
on the boxes.

Crate of beer, all for us,
on the house.

Rider sorted out,
all by the manager.

A wig? What is it?

-It's a Bob Marley party pack.
-You...

Bob Marley party pack?!
That's a code word!

-Where's the fucking skunk?
-There's like these spliffs.

You didn't get...?
That's what I meant.

As the manager of Kurupt FM,
I expect you to listen to me.

-Cheers, brother.
-These are special
artists, mate.

Okay, mate? Good, good.
Boys, all sorted, all sorted.

-Grindah.
-[Chabuddy laughs]

-That is quite funny, actually.
-[laughter]

Excuse me.
Are you going to Ipswich?

-Ipswich? Yeah, we are.
-Yeah, you are?

Do you reckon I could
come to Ipswich?

It's just all my mates
have left me, so...

I won't be sick in the car
or anything.

-Okay. Okay.
-Yeah?!

He said yeah!
They all said yeah.

We're going to Ipswich.
We're going to Ipswich!

See you lot later!

[Steves spits]
I'm really sorry, man.

Hopefully, it won't
stain or anything, so...

Sorry. I can walk the rest
of the way.

Bye, Charlie. See you later.

Oh, I wish I hadn't thrown
away that bit of paper now.

Rosé then, ladies? Right.

-Lavender!
-[all] Lavender!

-Brilliant!
-Do you want a rosé, Miche?

Can I have a double vodka
and lemonade, please?

To Miche, to Miche!

Ah, thank you!

Snapchat!

-If we have a good month,
I'm thinking of...
-Does anyone want another drink?

Um, I'm all right, actually.

Well, get used to this, boys.

-Yeah.
-This is the life.

-Cheers!
-Salaam.

[Beats] According to Chabuds,
in Ipswich we've got
a huge fan base.

Put it this way, we got poked
four times on Facebook.

-Poked?
-Poked.

It just shows you the attention
these guys are getting.

[Chabuds] I mean, Get Out
The Way was on YouTube. It's
been up for four years now.

382 plays.

17 likes, eight dislikes.

-You do the maths.
-Mm.

Okay, guys, guys!

Guys, shut up!
Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you,
all the way from Brentford,

Kurupt FM! Make some noise!

-[track plays]
-There's a dead
MC on the floor.

Who's that standing above him?

He's got a microphone
and it's pointing
in this direction.

I think it might be MC Grindah.

Who?

[along with the track]
MC Grindah.

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw leaving every MC
down on the floor ♪

♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪

♪ I said bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw leaving every MC
down on the floor ♪

♪ Dial 999,
it's an emergency... ♪

Is she having another one?

Knocking 'em back! Wow!

-Ooh, hello! There she is.
-Shot time, bitches!

Put down all your boring drinks.
Here we go.

-Pick one up.
-Oh, no, thank you, not for me.

I wasn't going to have
a big night tonight, Miche.

Come on, Susan,
don't be a pussy.

You're ruining the party for
everyone, ain't you? Come on!

No, I can't do that.
No, it's disgusting.

-Aw, that's mental that.
-No, thank you. No, thank you.

Ooh, that's nice.

♪ Babylon, get out the way!
Galatasaray, get out the way! ♪

-That's the best one.
-♪ Get out the way! ♪

When I say Kurupt,
you say FM.

Kurupt! Kurupt!

Guys, do you have
any house music?

What? Course we don't have
any fucking house music!

That's everything
we stand against.

Okay, it's just cos this
is more of a house crowd.

Oh, it is? Okay, I'll sort
that out right now.
Who likes house music?

Is it? Well,
fuck off and get out!

-You lot, get out!
-Who said that?

House music is disgusting, yeah?

I'll tell you why, as well.
It's not only the music.

But it's the type of people
that listen to it.

-Chabuds, eject that guy now!
-Stand behind me.

[Grindah] Hold me back, man.
I'm gonna fuck that
little prick.

-Yeah, yeah, you deal with it.
-Tell him I'm gonna fight him!

Do you want me
to hold you back?

Just disgusting freaks

with sleeve tattoos and fucking
women's jeans on and that.

Spend more time at the gym
than actually, like,
doing stuff.

-D'you know what I mean, yeah?
-With, like, shaved ball bags.

Yeah, exactly.

-[chatter]
-Does anyone want another drink?

No, no, I've gotta go.
I've got a bus to get.

-Get something to eat maybe?
-Yeah.

Ah, she's getting me drunk!
Are you getting me drunk,
Tanya?

-No, the opposite! The opposite!
-Oh, yeah!

-I can hear you.
That's really loud, okay?
-We love each other.

-Oh? Yeah?
-Yeah!

-Let's have a little dance.
-Oh, no!

Get those hips o-o-o-out!

I kinda wish it did kick off
in there, actually, cos
I would have stunned him.

One, one! Two, two! Whack!
Straight over the head
and he would have been out.

Uh! Uh! Uh! Yeah,
it gets a bit mental.

But it's all part and parcel,
d'you know what I mean?

What's happened to all
the groupies? You said it
would pick up in a bit.

I'm sorry. I know it's
been a bit of a weird one.

-Do you want some coke?
-What?!

-You lot doing coke?
-Steves!

-Steves!
-Yes, bruv!

This place is fucking
long to get to, man.

-How did you get here?
-Why don't we do London gigs?

Tanya!

Your phone's gone to voice-mail!

Where you lot gone?

I'm still here. So just
come back. Get out your house!

I love you! Bye, Mum!

Oh, no!

Sorry, I called you "Mum".

I was told Kurupt FM were
gonna sell out the venue.

-There's no one here.
There's no money in the till.
-You didn't market it right!

I tell you what, mate,
you're brown-listed. Idiot!

Listen, mate, I've got
some bad news. Basically,

the promoter didn't make
enough money to pay us the fee.

So he's going to pay us
as soon as his student loan
comes through.

Bruv, this whole fucking
thing's been a joke.

If I don't get my money now,
I'm going go fucking schiz.

-No, please, don't mate.
Don't go schiz, mate.
-You know what I'm like.

Guys, guys, guys.

-Are you the guys who were
doing the music there?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Is it all right if
we get a selfie?
-Huh? Yeah.

Yeah. You like that,
yeah? Yeah.

-Cool.
-Is it all right if
I get a selfie with you lot?

-Yeah, okay.
-You're not meant to ask that.

I want a picture
of a groupie as well.

-I'm not a groupie!
-Oh, great, so you've
spoilt it for me.

You guys are saying it, so...

Okay, cool. There we go.

-Shall we get going?
-I was just going to say, uh...

We've got a little after-party
thing if you lot are on it.

-Yeah, sure. Where?
-Ramada Inn.

And also...

Free.
That's our new single as well.

-That's a little bit of sick
on there...
-Shhh!

Okay, come on then.
You definitely on it?

-[girl] They smell funny.
-Are we going?

[Steves] No, it's mine.
It's all natural.

-We've got the chicks here.
-It's the hotel room.

-After-party crew!
-Sit down, sit down.

-Oh, sick! Look,
there's a mini-bar.
-Oh, is it?

-Have a couple of beers, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah. Want some beers,
girls?

They're not free!
We've got to pay for them.

-Fucking hell! It's £6 each.
-£6? They're not fucking about.
It's expensive stuff.

Only the best will do.
There you go.

-Share that one.
-Thanks.

We've actually got
this saying that goes...

-what happens on tour...
-[both] Stays on tour.

It just means that
anything goes, sort of thing.

Exactly. Fuck you, Mum, you
bitch! I can do whatever
I want now.

Yeah, fuck off, Mrs Bates!
You can't control him
any more.

Yeah, you dickhead! [laughs]

-Oh...
-Oh...

-How is your mum, anyway?
-Yeah, really good, really good.

So, uh, do you lot come
to hotels much or...?

-No, not really.
-No? Cool.

I do. All the time, yeah.

-And better ones than this,
as well, so...
-Cool.

Are we all supposed to be
staying in here tonight, yeah?

Yeah, we're on a bit of
a limited budget, so just
the one room today, so...

Get tight, get cosy.

I might just go and sleep
in the van. There ain't
enough space in here.

-Plus, we're up in three hours.
-Probably for the best.

Deecy. Deecy, Deecy.
I'll come with you, man.
It'll be good to chat.

Good little catch-up,
you know what I mean? So, yeah?

-I'll leave you guys to it.
-Cool, man. See you
in a bit, Chabsie.

-[Steves] So everyone's
staying in this...room?
-Yeah.

I was just going to say,
probably best that you sleep
in the bath actually,

just in case you piss
yourself. Be easier.

All right.

-Oh, what, now?
-[both] Yeah.

-It's getting a bit late.
-All right, man.

-You've had a long day.
-It's been heavy for you.

-Thanks for a cool party.
-Yeah, no worries.

-Nice to meet you.
-See you later, mate.

See you.

[director] So have you ever
been with another woman
other than Miche?

[Grindah] Phoar, yeah. Too many
to remember, actually. Yeah.

You can't remember any of them?

You won't know them.

All right, then.

Uh...Lucy.

S...Sarah.

Jessica.

Uh...

Oh, hazy memory.

Uh, Jen... I've said
Jennifer, ain't I?

-So what do you guys do, anyway?
-We're students.

-Students? Mm.
-Um, just a quick question.

You're both over 16, yeah?

-Mm-hm.
-Cool. Perfect.

Why is that perfect?

Cos it's all above board, innit?

It's legal.

Wooh! It's the night bus, Tyn!

I've got chicken and chips.
Got big chicken...

Oh, battery's run out.

What a bloody mental night.

-Do you reckon that's
covering it all?
-Yeah. Let me just...

Check the other side. Yeah, a
little trick we made up on tour.

Fuck the system!
D'you know what I mean?

[mouths]

I think we're actually...
We're gonna go, but it was
really nice to meet you.

-What? I've got a zoot.
-We don't really smoke.

-It's cheese.
-Nice to meet you guys, though.

-Thank you for the picture.
-[fire alarm blares]

Fuck! Fucking dickhead!
Did you put it on properly?

-I think so. It usually works.
-Baited!

Come on. Steves, you can't...

Oh, you set the fire alarm off.
Oh, for f...

I always have a zoot
before bed.

Probably just a false
alarm, anyway.

-[fire alarm blares]
-Beats! Beats!

I'll get that.

Can't smoke anywhere
these days, innit?

-Have a nice night, anyway.
-No worries.

-Maybe another night when
the fire alarm didn't go off.
-Yeah, probably not.

-Bye!
-See you later.

-[they laugh]
-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!
-How crazy was that?

How you doing?
Don't know if you've heard.

Words going round that I
nearly had a threesome tonight.

-Did you? Where they gone?
-Yeah.

Oh, they had to shoot off cos
the bloody fire alarm went off.

[Chabuds sighs]

You know what, Deecy?

This is the best lads'
holiday I've ever been on.

[sighs]

Hey, Deecy.

We should get matching
Ipswich tattoos.

Deecy, you asleep?

I'll get mine
on my lower back.

Deecy?

Deecy?

Good night, my brother
from down under.

-Down under?
-Jamaica, isn't it?

[sighs]

Good night, my Jamaican prince.

Mummy!

-[Miche groans]
-Mummy!

Mummy!

Yes?

-What's wrong, Mummy?
-Nothing's wrong.

Mummy just went out
with her friends last night
and had a nice time.

Are you having a nice time
right now?

Yes, Angel. Don't be clever.

Ah, definitely ready
for my own bed now though.

-You're not staying at mine?
-Yeah, that's what I meant.

How long do you think it'll
be till Miche let's
you back in?

I might not take her back, mate,
especially with the groupie
action popping off.

Boring driving, innit?
Innit, Chabs?

-Yeah.
-Chabs?

Ah, he's asleep. Watch this.

Aaaaaaaah! We're crashing!

[laughter]

-You idiot!
-He thought he was gonna die!

-[laughter]
-Oh!

Oh, fuck it! He'll make his own
way back. He always does, innit?

-Decoy, tomorrow, yeah?
-Yeah.

I'll hook you up on MSM, Deecy!

Do you maybe just want
to pop yourself into
the treatment room.

I don't want you to be sick
in front of the customers.

-Roche, I'm home.
-Hello.

Sometimes you gotta
switch the pace up.

Get out your comfort zone.
Go travelling.

Because you'll come back
a better man.

-How was it?
-Yeah, pretty draining.

-Was it?
-Yeah, my eyes are sore.
I think I've got jetlag.

We went Ipswich
and it was shit,

but it was a test
of our character.

Oh! Different bed every night.

It's all part of the
rock-star lifestyle, innit?

[Beats] And that's what
life's about, mate. Enjoy it,
even the shit moments.

Or it'll just
make you depressed.