People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 3, Episode 4 - New Friends - full transcript
Beats befriends irresponsible joker Darren at his ante-natal class, causing selfish Grindah to become very jealous and forcing Beats to prove his loyalty to him. Meanwhile Michelle gives Roche a sparsely attended baby shower where she confides in her friend her view that Grindah has no wish to get married, later confronting him with the fact and throwing him out. Chabuddy's latest venture is to turn his club into a restaurant with Steves as his 'apprentice' - meaning he can pay him almost nothing, which dim Steves does not realize though his nan does.
Okay, everyone?
We're going to watch
a video on breast-feeding.
Hopefully, this video's going
to make you feel increasingly
comfortable about it,
so, uh...enjoy.
[TV] Get off to a good start
with these tips on positioning.
Correct positioning
and attachment
will prevent damage
to the nipples.
You'll get better and better
at following his cues.
-[Darren] Tit!
-Tit!
..Then you can offer the second
when it's appropriate.
-Shh-shh-shh.
-Your nipple should be
opposite your baby's nose.
-Like the end of a Peperami.
-Mate, you are this close!
Darren is my new, very,
very good mate that
I met at dad classes.
Um, it's going pretty well.
I actually feel like there's
something there, d'you
know what I mean?
We're just gonna take it slow
and see what happens really.
But, yeah, really good.
Big up, Dazzler.
-..Away from the nipple area.
-This is your final warning.
Do you understand?
Do you understand, Darren?
Yep.
-Tickle her lips...
-[muffled laughter]
[laughter continues]
-I love tits.
-[laughter]
-All right, that's it.
-What?
I didn't wanna come here in
the first place. This was
for you, not for me.
Hang on.
-What?!
-[Darren laughs]
Roche!
Just thought they looked
like Peperamis.
[door bell rings]
Angel, door!
-Hello.
-Hello, you must be Angel?
-Yeah.
-Easy.
-This is Becky, by the way.
-Hi, nice to meet ya.
-Yeah.
-One sec, Decoy.
-Mummy?
-Yes.
-Decoy loves her.
-Shut up!
He doesn't love...
They've only just started
seeing each other.
-It's nothing serious, so...
-Right, I'm off.
See you lot in a bit, yeah?
Come on, let's go.
-Say bye to Daddy.
-See ya!
-[director] So are you
a loving family?
-Yeah.
Definitely. We always tell
each other we love each
other, don't we?
I love a lot of things, like.
Love radio...food and that.
Yeah...yeah.
-Oh, actually. Sorry.
-Ah!
Forgot. I need it
for fags and that.
Maybe just don't take it
out of the wedding fund.
No, it's fine. I need it
for zoots. I'll put back
the change later. See ya.
What do you think life will
be like when you're married?
It's gonna be amazing, isn't it?
It's going to be such
a big change.
We'll be set for life, won't we?
Getting married and that's it,
just happily ever after.
Yeah...happily ever after.
-It's proper chaffing, innit?
-I'm freezing.
-[soul music on car stereo]
-What's this shit?
You know I need jungle
to wake me up in the morning.
Mate, she's doing
my nut in, man.
-Why? What's up?
-It's just all
the wedding shit, innit?
"Oh, I'm getting married,"
and that.
That's sick though, right?
-Not really.
-No?
Just take a leaf out of
your book, get a younger team.
-Yeah?
-Have you got a sister?
-No.
-Oh...
[door bell rings]
Steves.
[door bell rings]
Steves.
Oi, oi! Bo-Nan-za!
-There she is.
-There he is!
-How you doing?
-My favourite grandson. Mwah!
I'm her only grandson,
so I win by default.
I wanted to come
and present you...
with aka ten pound.
Oooh! What's it for?
For the goodie bag
you gave me the other day.
Cos I've got a job now,
so I'm gonna start paying you.
-How's the new job?
-Yeah, it's all right.
It's my dream job, in a way.
-If it was like...
quite a boring dream.
-Oh!
-You have it.
-You sure?
You might find it
come in useful. [sniffs]
I'll have the tenner
if no one wants it.
-Shut up, Peter!
-[he laughs]
All right.
-See ya later.
-Yeah, see ya.
-Oh, thank you.
-It's all right.
-Do you want me to cook tonight?
-Bruv, hurry up, cos we're
already later to radio.
-All right.
-I'll see you tonight, yeah?
-Yeah.
-[Grindah] Uh!
Hurry up!
[horn beeps]
Decoy!
-Fucking hurry up, mate!
-I'm coming, I'm coming.
-See you later.
-See you later.
What's up, man, fucking hell!
"What's up, man? Fucking hell"?
She was in my seat!
-What's wrong with that?
-You know what's wrong.
Just fucking drive, mate.
Are you excited? Get ready.
She's coming, she's coming.
Any minute.
-One...
-Sorry, Miche, hold on.
[both] It's your baby shower!
Let's not call it
a baby shower, eh, Miche?
-We got you a sash.
-Oh, so you did.
You need to have a sash
if it's a baby shower.
-It's not a proper
baby shower without one.
-Craig's through there, love.
-Thanks.
-Baby Mumma.
A few baby bits here as well.
No big deal.
Exciting!
-Hello, Craig!
-All right?
-Excited about the baby shower?
-Yeah.
Do you think Beats and Roche,
do you think they make
a good couple?
Yeah, they do. They're
having the baby together.
It's a really exciting time
for them. They're a strong
united front.
Oh, thank you for these.
-Hoodie. Simple.
-Got a lot of pink.
Gold boots. Little booties.
Can't beat 'em.
It's an exciting time for them.
They just gonna grow together.
Obviously, they've got
Craig there already.
It's a beautiful family unit...
that we all wish we could have.
So...
How is bump?
-It's a baby.
-Hello, bump!
Ah, let's... Nice and warm.
-Yeah.
-Yeah!
What's she doing?
-Probably just lying there.
-Ah...
New developments in
the Champagne Steam Bar world.
Drum roll, please.
Oooooooh!
Champagne Steam Bar...
Yeah, we know that.
And kitchen. Come on!
[laughs]
My empire is
constantly expanding.
First of all, I had
the internet café, yeah?
Then I had my own nightclub.
Then I had my own bar.
And now I'm throwing
a restaurant into the mix.
And I'm saving money by
having it all on the same
industrial estate.
What happened to those
colour-coded chopping boards
I asked you for?
Okay. They're on the way.
I'm just waiting for
the paint to dry.
That's just a joke. Um,
how's your new kitchen
assistant doing?
-Oh, he's doing really good.
-Yeah?
-Chabsie!
-Stevie!
-Stevesie, just use this
and keep the sleeves clean.
-What's that?
-It's a tea towel.
-Tiny towel?
You know, it's like
The Apprentice.
I'm Alan Brown Sugar.
So these are my apprentices
and I have to put them through
tasks and challenges.
Can you work on less
than minimum wage?
Can you work in conditions
that probably will be inhumane?
Get back to work!
[inaudible]
You know, these are challenges.
This is Apprentice, you know?
And then, if you're lucky
enough, you're hired.
Seen these as well? Tiny cups.
Like I'm a giant. I am
a giant, but more of a giant.
-Is he joking?
-Don't worry. He's very cheap.
[Beats laughs]
That is sick!
That is... With an axe.
So what, mate? I shouldn't
be haven't to call shotgun.
It's my radio station.
I'm your employer, end of.
-Yeah, but I pay you though.
-To be at my station, so...
The point is, she shouldn't
be sitting in the front seat.
It's my seat. Innit, Beats?
Yeah, that's Grindah's chair.
It's got the lumbard support
exactly how he likes it.
No, not... In his car.
Oh, sorry, man. Darren just
sent over these jokes,
pranking videos.
Great! Pranking's my thing.
Fuck's sake!
Darren's really into it as well.
I think you'll really like him.
No, I wouldn't. I don't like
anyone and nor should you.
End of.
What do you think of
Beats getting new friends?
I ain't here to tell Beats who
he can and can't be mates with.
It's his life.
Let him do what he wants.
But don't come running back
to me when it all goes wrong.
Cos man ain't gonna
be there in the end.
No, I am gonna be there
to make sure I see his face
when I have a go at him
when he's learnt his lesson.
Don't need new friends if you've
got a real friend like me.
[drum and bass plays]
Where'd you...? Is that a new
phone? Where'd you get
the P for that?
Nah, Darren gave it to me.
He had a spare one, so...
-What?!
-Yeah, yeah.
Said I could have it.
-Sick, innit?
-Just gave you...
Do you know what? There's
a new rule. No phones at radio.
If you want to talk to your
weird little mates and that,
do it on your own time.
Go out and speak to them,
your little girlfriends and
that. Put your phones away!
No phones.
See that? You can actually
take pictures on it.
Yeah, but the battery
lasts about two hours.
-But you can go on YouTube...
-On my Nokia, the battery
lasts three days.
-Yeah. It's sick though.
-No, not really.
That's, uh, going
to table number seven.
That one's going to table
number five, okay?
Is everything meeting
your expectations? Thank you.
Still bit of meat on that.
I'm enjoying the perks
of the new job. Tenner a day.
And access to food,
free food...
that hasn't been eaten yet.
Waste not, want not.
Well, some that has and then
I just eat the rest of it.
So, old food?
Not old but very much
second-hand food.
Today we have the gourmet
piri-piri chicken, £6.
Gourmet hot wings, £6.50.
And we also have, my favourite,
the avant-garde avocado.
The main challenge of running
a restaurant is the menu.
People don't just want to walk
in and eat shit off a plate.
Yeah? Give it a stupid name
and they eat it!
This is a Barcelona burger
from Barcelona.
Even put the lisp
in the Barcelona. Barcelona.
"Oh, it's organic!
Look at the mud!" It's just
been on the floor, mate.
Stupid bastards,
d'you know what I mean?
How's the wedding
planning going?
God, has everyone been
talking about it?
No. It's just you sent
me a text invitation.
Yeah, I'm barely sleeping
from worrying about it all.
As long as Grindah's
pulling his weight.
-Yeah.
-Where's Craig?
He's upstairs, love.
Craig! Craig!
To be honest...
I just thought he'd have
been a bit more excited
about it all.
If anything, it feels like
he avoids me quite a lot now!
Well, that's no good.
Oh, don't cry, Miche, don't.
[she sobs]
-Sorry.
-Don't apologise.
I just feel like
I'm living a lie.
Like, what if he's not the
perfect man that I think he is?
Oh, no.
-He's, um...
-Everyone thinks
he's the dream man.
He's probably really nice
when you get to know him.
-[music plays]
-[Beats] Who's there?
Dickhead who? [laughs]
-Oh, you saying I'm a dickhead.
-Fucking Darren, mate!
[laughs]
You're mental, Darren, mate!
Yeah! We should go on holiday.
Beats!
I'd better go.
All right, mate, yeah. I'll
see you tonight, yeah? [laughs]
Stop now, mate!
Speak to you later. Bye.
Should've told him
you're at radio.
What do you mean tonight? What
if I wanted to do something?
Darren said you could
come down the pub as well.
He wants to meet you.
No, I'm busy actually.
-Is it?
-Yeah, with my real friend.
-Do you ever get jealous?
-Nah, I don't get jealous.
Beats can do what he wants.
It's his life, innit?
I've given you an opportunity
and you're running away with,
like, different men and that,
yeah? Do your thing.
You up for doing
something later?
Nah, I'm just gonna
have an early one tonight.
-Fantasy, what about you?
-Nah, I can't, man.
-Got cinema tickets.
-Who goes cinema any more?
It's, like, 14 quid a ticket.
-Tia, my nan just came in. Nan!
-No way!
Just came in.
Nan!!! Yes!
That is mad.
I forget she can walk.
-Follow me.
-Thank you.
-What's your nan's name?
-Just Nan.
-But what does everyone
else call her?
-Steve's nan.
Okay. Never mind.
Just go over there.
-Yes, Nan!
-Hello.
-You all right?
-Yes.
-How you doing, brother?
-Oh, all right.
Handshake. Formal.
-Uh, do you like this?
Look at that.
-Very smart!
-Yes. Lovely!
-Yeah, double-breasted.
This is actually what the
professional chefs wear as well.
-So you know what you lot want?
-I would like the chicken,
Steve.
-The chicken.
-The piri-piri.
If you don't finish it,
don't worry.
[sighs]
-All right?
-Not really.
Beats is being a proper
selfish prick.
Where's the money that you
took from the wedding fund?
Oh, yeah. No, I've got that.
Here you go.
Every little helps, innit?
There you go.
Oh! That was nothing.
That's not enough. Like,
this whole thing isn't enough.
It's all right. Chill out.
What's up with her?
There you go. £2 coin, yeah?
Bang. Happy?
-No, I'm not.
-Why not? Stop stressing
yourself out all the time.
It's just a wedding, like.
Why you gotta be so intense?
-D'you even want to get married?
-Uh? Yeah, like, probably.
-Yes or no?
-Yes, then. Like...
Can't we do it in a few years
when we've got more money and
that. There's no rush, is there?
I knew it! You don't even
want to get married.
I've sent out
all the invitations.
You're making me look stupid.
I didn't tell you to send them
out, so you made yourself
look stupid if anything.
Right, that's it!
What's the point in me
doing all this wedding stuff?
Why did you propose to me?
So do you ever argue
with Miche?
Nah, not really, cos, like...
Me and Miche don't really
get into arguments,
cos most of the time I'm right.
If I'm not, I'm clever enough
not to admit that, so...
getting into an argument
with me is completely pointless.
-This is my house!
-It's our house.
I don't want you here. Go!
This isn't your house any more.
-Stop shouting in front of...
-Fuck off!
Stop shouting constantly
in front of the camera.
-And if you're looking
for your Avirex, I sold it.
-You're fucking...
Well, joke's on you then,
cos I was gonna wear
that at our wedding!
I'm even more glad. It makes
you look like a fat biker.
Don't...ever call me fat!
You know I used to have
weight issues.
D'you know what?
I'm taking my £2 back now.
Take it. I literally
don't care any more.
Do you know what, yeah? You
keep it if you love it so much.
Prick.
These are on the house,
as you're our special
guests today.
Strong lager for you,
mate Pete, yeah? Lad.
And for you, the new cocktail
I designed. It's called
a micro-cock...tail.
Okay? Packs a real punch.
Size doesn't always matter.
Sometimes the best things
are small...really tiny.
-I keep telling her that.
-Eh? Lad alert!
Come on! We should hang.
We should chill.
-How exciting.
-All the best.
-Cheers!
-Is your nan looking for love?
Is she looking for love,
romance? No, no, no.
She's done all that ages ago.
When you get to, like, her age,
everything's just cool.
Like, you just have your
meals or whatever. You don't
do any weird stuff like that.
Ooh! [laughs]
-Does it have a kick?
-I don't know what it is.
[they laugh]
You're very attractive
when you giggle like that.
-Do you know that?
-Don't be silly.
Grindah! Grindah's here.
You're gonna love him.
-Trust me, yeah.
-All right, mate?
Grindah's here.
Ah, you're gonna love him.
-Yes, mate. You all right?
-Thanks for coming down, man.
No worries. I thought I'd
come down to meet Darren.
-Yeah. Darren. This is Grindah.
-Hello, Darren, mate.
Nice to meet ya.
-You all right, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah.
You not drinking? You forgot
your ID or something, eh?
-[laughter]
-I'm so glad
you lot finally met.
This is gonna be one
of the best night's ever.
-Innit?
-Yeah.
And the avant-garde avocado.
Belissi-botto.
-Mwah!
-Oh, thank you.
And the piri-piri chicken.
Mwah!
Tell you what, Steve's nan,
best worker in the game,
this guy.
-You should be proud. So good.
-I hope you're paying him
properly.
Well, that's something, you
know, employer confidential...
-Tenner a day.
-Good God!
-'Ere, I'll report you.
-No, no, it's not t...
Tenner a day?
I pay you more than...
-It's always a tenner a day.
-I'm not having that! No, no.
I'm going to be having
strong words with
the accountant tomorrow.
-Make sure you do.
-I will do it now
for you, madam.
Ten pounds a day!
Come on, mate!
Uh, enjoy the food.
-Right, thank you.
-Does that mean I get
paid more now, Chabsie?
I just got a text through
and they have just confirmed
that you are on the right wage.
-Oh? Thanks for checking, man.
-No problem, mate.
-[laughter]
-I'll get the next ones in then.
You lot probably want
to get to know each other.
-Same again?
-Yes, please, mate.
Eh, a sec, Kev. Sorry,
what's the capital of Thailand?
-Fuck knows. Singapore.
-No. Bangkok!
Oh, that actually hurt as well.
-Good one, innit?
-No, cos I've heard
that one before.
I would've said, "Bangkok!"
and blocked it straight away.
-Same again, yeah?
-Yes, please.
♪ If you're happy and you
know, clap your hands ♪
-Miche, tea's up, babe!
-Thanks, Mum!
[she sings]
-Thank you.
-'Ere are. Now,
where are your bin bags?
Mum, I told you, we're not
packing his stuff up.
This is your house, babe.
You don't want all
these reminders.
-Make the break-up even harder.
-I told you, we're not
breaking up.
-We're just, you know,
taking some time out.
-I hear ya.
Do you think Miche and
Grindah make a good couple?
Not really, darlin'. He's
punching well above his weight.
Well above his weight.
I just think she's worth more
than that. She's my princess,
so I'm gonna say that,
ain't I? But he is a tosser.
I'll tell you that for nothing.
I'll tell what we do? We'll
just pack up his stuff anyway.
Pop it by the door, then if
the break-up were to go ahead,
-God forbid, it'll be all ready.
-No, Mum.
Put the bin bags down, Mum.
-Oh, there's the taxi.
-Yeah, let's open
the door for you.
There we go.
See you later. Are you gonna
be all right getting back, yeah?
Ooh, I'll be fine.
Peter will look after me.
Yes, you'll be
well looked after.
-Yeah.
-Let's get you back before
you start getting tired.
I've got plenty of energy left!
-Ooh!
-Are you doing something
when you get back?
I certainly hope so!
-[they chuckle]
-Yeah, yeah. Have a good one.
-Perhaps more than one!
-Ooh, stop it!
-[laughter]
-See you later, anyways.
-See you!
-Right, darlin', see you. Bye!
-Bye, Steve!
-Ta-ta, bye!
What do you think of him?
He's proper safe, innit?
Like on the level.
Not on my level, mate.
Here you go, boys.
-Oh, cheers, mate.
-There's one.
There you are, pal.
Boys, you see that barmaid?
Proper sort, mate, d'you
know what I mean?
-Yeah.
-Do you know what would make
her look a lot better though?
-Go on.
-My balls on her chin.
-[laughter]
-The imagery, yeah.
I was just gonna say,
are those Huaraches?
Huaraches, yes, mate, yeah.
Proper comfortable.
Good for raving.
He loves raving as well.
Well, what sort of music
do you actually like then?
-A bit of everything, really.
House, techno stuff.
-House? Yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-What's your standpoint
on garage?
Garage? Fuck, man, I haven't
listened to that for years.
Hang on a minute,
it ain't 1998, is it?
-[he laughs]
-No, it's not, mate.
Only an idiot would listen
to garage though, isn't it?
-Fucking pile of shit!
-Yeah! It is, innit?
-Why would you ever
listen to garage?
-I've got no fucking clue.
Hang on, I think So Solid Crew
are calling me up!
-[laughter]
-Listen, I tell you what.
Why don't we delete
garage forever?!
-That's it, yeah.
-You've got 21 seconds to go.
Go! Fuck off then if you've
got 21 seconds to go.
Just fuck off, garage!
Bunch of twats! Fuck off!
Get outta my life, mate.
-Ah!
-Make some good fucking music.
Funny fucker, you are.
Ah! I've just realised I've
gotta shoot off, but, um...
Yeah, enjoy your night,
lads, yeah? Oh!
See you later, boy.
Nice to meet ya.
Nice to meet you, mate.
Take care.
Yeah, I'm probably gonna shoot
off as well, actually.
I've got, like, uh,
an urgent thing.
-What, you going?
-Keep the pints though, man.
All right. Well, I'll
see you Thursday then, yeah?
I'll let you know.
-All right?
-Come on, mate.
Let's get you home. You could
do so much better than that.
I know.
Okay, who's up for a bit
of champagne? Tia?
Yep. You know what?
It's been a good day.
Steves, do you want one?
Oh, no, I don't touch that
stuff. Fucks with you head.
Oh, God! The good stuff.
This always make me jump. Shit!
-To my new business apprentice.
-You're more like my
apprentice, if anything.
To think, yeah,
this place was nothing
and we've built up a whole
restaurant together.
I'm basically Gordon Ramsay.
Gordon Chabsie!
I think we work really well
together as a team.
I think we work really
well together too. It's...
It's just beautiful.
-Let's not do that!
-Sorry, I...
-I thought that was my moment.
-It's okay. I think you just
got things a bit twisted.
Look, you're my boss and
I admire you as a professional.
We work really well as a team...
And you've done it again.
Sorry. I just...
read it wrong again.
-Bare washing-up to do, man.
-Yeah.
Anyway, safe, man.
See you tomorrow, yeah?
-See you tomorrow.
-Or I was going say, actually.
-I might as well just stay
round tonight.
-No, I'll be fine, honestly.
-Yeah. Thanks for caring though.
-Yeah, it's just...you know.
Good to make sure you're
all right after what you've
been through and that.
I'll be fine. Roche and Craig
are there. They'll perk me up.
-No, that's cool.
-Yeah.
Look, I just...
I just don't wanna go
back home, man. Miche'll be
doing my nut in and just...
-Oh?
-Bare arguments and that.
-Did she kick you out?
-No, she didn't kick me out.
She just...
Look, it's complicated. I just
can't go back there tonight.
-Mate, of course you can stay.
-Yeah?
-SNM, mate. Say no more.
-What did I tell ya?
-My casa is your casa.
-[both] Come on, let's go in.
-Uh!
-Uh!
Actually...just got to ask
Roche if it's all right first.
Oh, great.
-Rochelle?
-Yeah.
-Hi, Roche.
-Hi.
-How are you?
-Fine.
-How's Craig?
-Fine.
Cool.
-Roche?
-Yes?
Is it all right if Grindah
stays tonight?
He had this big fight
with Miche.
-She kicked him out.
-She didn't kick me out.
I left cos she was acting weird.
Did you put her in a bad mood?
I think you're more than capable
of doing that yourself.
-Beats said I could stay, so...
-Well, it ain't up to Beats.
-Beats?
-Sorry.
Is it all right?
All right, you can stay,
but just for tonight.
-Can I get a juice?
-Help yourself, mate.
So did you have a nice drink
with Darren?
Nah, shit. To be honest,
I don't really wanna go
parent classes any more.
-Well, you know I'm up for that.
-Yeah.
-You don't need it these days.
It's pointless.
-Yeah.
Did something happen with
Darren? You two seemed like
you were getting on really well.
-Nah.
-Nah.
He's just not
who I thought he was.
I don't really want to talk
about it, to be honest.
Oh, okay, I won't ask
any more then.
-Do you some more now, Miche?
-I'm all right, thanks.
-You sure? It does help.
-Yeah, I'll see
if the tea works.
If in doubt, drink wine.
Mummy, where's Daddy?
Oh, Daddy's having a sleepover
at Uncle Beats's house.
-Why?
-Why?
Because sometimes grown-ups
need to be separate,
because one's an idiot and
takes everything for granted.
Mummy, Nana says
you're an idiot.
No, she's not talking about me.
She's talking about Daddy.
-Daddy?
-Daddy's the idiot.
Daddy's a plonker.
-Brought you the sleeping bag.
-Aah!
-Oh, this is beautiful.
-I'll just...
Yeah. Oh, it's lovely being
able to sprawl out, actually.
No one else in the bed. Aw!
-You got everything
you need, mate?
-Yeah, worked out perfectly.
Cos you've got the old
widescreen TV in my room, so...
-You're always welcome
round mine, mate.
-Cheers, mate.
-Sleep well, soldier. See you
in the morning, yeah?
-Night, mate.
[Beats] Your best mates are
there for you, like, to pick
you up when you're down.
Like, if you need somewhere
to stay, "Here's a bed."
You need some money,
"Here's a bit of cash."
-What, you got some dough?
-Nah, it's just
what you say, innit?
-You wouldn't say it if you
ain't got any money on you.
-Sorry.
[snores]
[explosion and gunfire]
What the fuck? He's a fucking
newb! What you doing, you mug?
Grenade him!
Oh, my God!
We're going to watch
a video on breast-feeding.
Hopefully, this video's going
to make you feel increasingly
comfortable about it,
so, uh...enjoy.
[TV] Get off to a good start
with these tips on positioning.
Correct positioning
and attachment
will prevent damage
to the nipples.
You'll get better and better
at following his cues.
-[Darren] Tit!
-Tit!
..Then you can offer the second
when it's appropriate.
-Shh-shh-shh.
-Your nipple should be
opposite your baby's nose.
-Like the end of a Peperami.
-Mate, you are this close!
Darren is my new, very,
very good mate that
I met at dad classes.
Um, it's going pretty well.
I actually feel like there's
something there, d'you
know what I mean?
We're just gonna take it slow
and see what happens really.
But, yeah, really good.
Big up, Dazzler.
-..Away from the nipple area.
-This is your final warning.
Do you understand?
Do you understand, Darren?
Yep.
-Tickle her lips...
-[muffled laughter]
[laughter continues]
-I love tits.
-[laughter]
-All right, that's it.
-What?
I didn't wanna come here in
the first place. This was
for you, not for me.
Hang on.
-What?!
-[Darren laughs]
Roche!
Just thought they looked
like Peperamis.
[door bell rings]
Angel, door!
-Hello.
-Hello, you must be Angel?
-Yeah.
-Easy.
-This is Becky, by the way.
-Hi, nice to meet ya.
-Yeah.
-One sec, Decoy.
-Mummy?
-Yes.
-Decoy loves her.
-Shut up!
He doesn't love...
They've only just started
seeing each other.
-It's nothing serious, so...
-Right, I'm off.
See you lot in a bit, yeah?
Come on, let's go.
-Say bye to Daddy.
-See ya!
-[director] So are you
a loving family?
-Yeah.
Definitely. We always tell
each other we love each
other, don't we?
I love a lot of things, like.
Love radio...food and that.
Yeah...yeah.
-Oh, actually. Sorry.
-Ah!
Forgot. I need it
for fags and that.
Maybe just don't take it
out of the wedding fund.
No, it's fine. I need it
for zoots. I'll put back
the change later. See ya.
What do you think life will
be like when you're married?
It's gonna be amazing, isn't it?
It's going to be such
a big change.
We'll be set for life, won't we?
Getting married and that's it,
just happily ever after.
Yeah...happily ever after.
-It's proper chaffing, innit?
-I'm freezing.
-[soul music on car stereo]
-What's this shit?
You know I need jungle
to wake me up in the morning.
Mate, she's doing
my nut in, man.
-Why? What's up?
-It's just all
the wedding shit, innit?
"Oh, I'm getting married,"
and that.
That's sick though, right?
-Not really.
-No?
Just take a leaf out of
your book, get a younger team.
-Yeah?
-Have you got a sister?
-No.
-Oh...
[door bell rings]
Steves.
[door bell rings]
Steves.
Oi, oi! Bo-Nan-za!
-There she is.
-There he is!
-How you doing?
-My favourite grandson. Mwah!
I'm her only grandson,
so I win by default.
I wanted to come
and present you...
with aka ten pound.
Oooh! What's it for?
For the goodie bag
you gave me the other day.
Cos I've got a job now,
so I'm gonna start paying you.
-How's the new job?
-Yeah, it's all right.
It's my dream job, in a way.
-If it was like...
quite a boring dream.
-Oh!
-You have it.
-You sure?
You might find it
come in useful. [sniffs]
I'll have the tenner
if no one wants it.
-Shut up, Peter!
-[he laughs]
All right.
-See ya later.
-Yeah, see ya.
-Oh, thank you.
-It's all right.
-Do you want me to cook tonight?
-Bruv, hurry up, cos we're
already later to radio.
-All right.
-I'll see you tonight, yeah?
-Yeah.
-[Grindah] Uh!
Hurry up!
[horn beeps]
Decoy!
-Fucking hurry up, mate!
-I'm coming, I'm coming.
-See you later.
-See you later.
What's up, man, fucking hell!
"What's up, man? Fucking hell"?
She was in my seat!
-What's wrong with that?
-You know what's wrong.
Just fucking drive, mate.
Are you excited? Get ready.
She's coming, she's coming.
Any minute.
-One...
-Sorry, Miche, hold on.
[both] It's your baby shower!
Let's not call it
a baby shower, eh, Miche?
-We got you a sash.
-Oh, so you did.
You need to have a sash
if it's a baby shower.
-It's not a proper
baby shower without one.
-Craig's through there, love.
-Thanks.
-Baby Mumma.
A few baby bits here as well.
No big deal.
Exciting!
-Hello, Craig!
-All right?
-Excited about the baby shower?
-Yeah.
Do you think Beats and Roche,
do you think they make
a good couple?
Yeah, they do. They're
having the baby together.
It's a really exciting time
for them. They're a strong
united front.
Oh, thank you for these.
-Hoodie. Simple.
-Got a lot of pink.
Gold boots. Little booties.
Can't beat 'em.
It's an exciting time for them.
They just gonna grow together.
Obviously, they've got
Craig there already.
It's a beautiful family unit...
that we all wish we could have.
So...
How is bump?
-It's a baby.
-Hello, bump!
Ah, let's... Nice and warm.
-Yeah.
-Yeah!
What's she doing?
-Probably just lying there.
-Ah...
New developments in
the Champagne Steam Bar world.
Drum roll, please.
Oooooooh!
Champagne Steam Bar...
Yeah, we know that.
And kitchen. Come on!
[laughs]
My empire is
constantly expanding.
First of all, I had
the internet café, yeah?
Then I had my own nightclub.
Then I had my own bar.
And now I'm throwing
a restaurant into the mix.
And I'm saving money by
having it all on the same
industrial estate.
What happened to those
colour-coded chopping boards
I asked you for?
Okay. They're on the way.
I'm just waiting for
the paint to dry.
That's just a joke. Um,
how's your new kitchen
assistant doing?
-Oh, he's doing really good.
-Yeah?
-Chabsie!
-Stevie!
-Stevesie, just use this
and keep the sleeves clean.
-What's that?
-It's a tea towel.
-Tiny towel?
You know, it's like
The Apprentice.
I'm Alan Brown Sugar.
So these are my apprentices
and I have to put them through
tasks and challenges.
Can you work on less
than minimum wage?
Can you work in conditions
that probably will be inhumane?
Get back to work!
[inaudible]
You know, these are challenges.
This is Apprentice, you know?
And then, if you're lucky
enough, you're hired.
Seen these as well? Tiny cups.
Like I'm a giant. I am
a giant, but more of a giant.
-Is he joking?
-Don't worry. He's very cheap.
[Beats laughs]
That is sick!
That is... With an axe.
So what, mate? I shouldn't
be haven't to call shotgun.
It's my radio station.
I'm your employer, end of.
-Yeah, but I pay you though.
-To be at my station, so...
The point is, she shouldn't
be sitting in the front seat.
It's my seat. Innit, Beats?
Yeah, that's Grindah's chair.
It's got the lumbard support
exactly how he likes it.
No, not... In his car.
Oh, sorry, man. Darren just
sent over these jokes,
pranking videos.
Great! Pranking's my thing.
Fuck's sake!
Darren's really into it as well.
I think you'll really like him.
No, I wouldn't. I don't like
anyone and nor should you.
End of.
What do you think of
Beats getting new friends?
I ain't here to tell Beats who
he can and can't be mates with.
It's his life.
Let him do what he wants.
But don't come running back
to me when it all goes wrong.
Cos man ain't gonna
be there in the end.
No, I am gonna be there
to make sure I see his face
when I have a go at him
when he's learnt his lesson.
Don't need new friends if you've
got a real friend like me.
[drum and bass plays]
Where'd you...? Is that a new
phone? Where'd you get
the P for that?
Nah, Darren gave it to me.
He had a spare one, so...
-What?!
-Yeah, yeah.
Said I could have it.
-Sick, innit?
-Just gave you...
Do you know what? There's
a new rule. No phones at radio.
If you want to talk to your
weird little mates and that,
do it on your own time.
Go out and speak to them,
your little girlfriends and
that. Put your phones away!
No phones.
See that? You can actually
take pictures on it.
Yeah, but the battery
lasts about two hours.
-But you can go on YouTube...
-On my Nokia, the battery
lasts three days.
-Yeah. It's sick though.
-No, not really.
That's, uh, going
to table number seven.
That one's going to table
number five, okay?
Is everything meeting
your expectations? Thank you.
Still bit of meat on that.
I'm enjoying the perks
of the new job. Tenner a day.
And access to food,
free food...
that hasn't been eaten yet.
Waste not, want not.
Well, some that has and then
I just eat the rest of it.
So, old food?
Not old but very much
second-hand food.
Today we have the gourmet
piri-piri chicken, £6.
Gourmet hot wings, £6.50.
And we also have, my favourite,
the avant-garde avocado.
The main challenge of running
a restaurant is the menu.
People don't just want to walk
in and eat shit off a plate.
Yeah? Give it a stupid name
and they eat it!
This is a Barcelona burger
from Barcelona.
Even put the lisp
in the Barcelona. Barcelona.
"Oh, it's organic!
Look at the mud!" It's just
been on the floor, mate.
Stupid bastards,
d'you know what I mean?
How's the wedding
planning going?
God, has everyone been
talking about it?
No. It's just you sent
me a text invitation.
Yeah, I'm barely sleeping
from worrying about it all.
As long as Grindah's
pulling his weight.
-Yeah.
-Where's Craig?
He's upstairs, love.
Craig! Craig!
To be honest...
I just thought he'd have
been a bit more excited
about it all.
If anything, it feels like
he avoids me quite a lot now!
Well, that's no good.
Oh, don't cry, Miche, don't.
[she sobs]
-Sorry.
-Don't apologise.
I just feel like
I'm living a lie.
Like, what if he's not the
perfect man that I think he is?
Oh, no.
-He's, um...
-Everyone thinks
he's the dream man.
He's probably really nice
when you get to know him.
-[music plays]
-[Beats] Who's there?
Dickhead who? [laughs]
-Oh, you saying I'm a dickhead.
-Fucking Darren, mate!
[laughs]
You're mental, Darren, mate!
Yeah! We should go on holiday.
Beats!
I'd better go.
All right, mate, yeah. I'll
see you tonight, yeah? [laughs]
Stop now, mate!
Speak to you later. Bye.
Should've told him
you're at radio.
What do you mean tonight? What
if I wanted to do something?
Darren said you could
come down the pub as well.
He wants to meet you.
No, I'm busy actually.
-Is it?
-Yeah, with my real friend.
-Do you ever get jealous?
-Nah, I don't get jealous.
Beats can do what he wants.
It's his life, innit?
I've given you an opportunity
and you're running away with,
like, different men and that,
yeah? Do your thing.
You up for doing
something later?
Nah, I'm just gonna
have an early one tonight.
-Fantasy, what about you?
-Nah, I can't, man.
-Got cinema tickets.
-Who goes cinema any more?
It's, like, 14 quid a ticket.
-Tia, my nan just came in. Nan!
-No way!
Just came in.
Nan!!! Yes!
That is mad.
I forget she can walk.
-Follow me.
-Thank you.
-What's your nan's name?
-Just Nan.
-But what does everyone
else call her?
-Steve's nan.
Okay. Never mind.
Just go over there.
-Yes, Nan!
-Hello.
-You all right?
-Yes.
-How you doing, brother?
-Oh, all right.
Handshake. Formal.
-Uh, do you like this?
Look at that.
-Very smart!
-Yes. Lovely!
-Yeah, double-breasted.
This is actually what the
professional chefs wear as well.
-So you know what you lot want?
-I would like the chicken,
Steve.
-The chicken.
-The piri-piri.
If you don't finish it,
don't worry.
[sighs]
-All right?
-Not really.
Beats is being a proper
selfish prick.
Where's the money that you
took from the wedding fund?
Oh, yeah. No, I've got that.
Here you go.
Every little helps, innit?
There you go.
Oh! That was nothing.
That's not enough. Like,
this whole thing isn't enough.
It's all right. Chill out.
What's up with her?
There you go. £2 coin, yeah?
Bang. Happy?
-No, I'm not.
-Why not? Stop stressing
yourself out all the time.
It's just a wedding, like.
Why you gotta be so intense?
-D'you even want to get married?
-Uh? Yeah, like, probably.
-Yes or no?
-Yes, then. Like...
Can't we do it in a few years
when we've got more money and
that. There's no rush, is there?
I knew it! You don't even
want to get married.
I've sent out
all the invitations.
You're making me look stupid.
I didn't tell you to send them
out, so you made yourself
look stupid if anything.
Right, that's it!
What's the point in me
doing all this wedding stuff?
Why did you propose to me?
So do you ever argue
with Miche?
Nah, not really, cos, like...
Me and Miche don't really
get into arguments,
cos most of the time I'm right.
If I'm not, I'm clever enough
not to admit that, so...
getting into an argument
with me is completely pointless.
-This is my house!
-It's our house.
I don't want you here. Go!
This isn't your house any more.
-Stop shouting in front of...
-Fuck off!
Stop shouting constantly
in front of the camera.
-And if you're looking
for your Avirex, I sold it.
-You're fucking...
Well, joke's on you then,
cos I was gonna wear
that at our wedding!
I'm even more glad. It makes
you look like a fat biker.
Don't...ever call me fat!
You know I used to have
weight issues.
D'you know what?
I'm taking my £2 back now.
Take it. I literally
don't care any more.
Do you know what, yeah? You
keep it if you love it so much.
Prick.
These are on the house,
as you're our special
guests today.
Strong lager for you,
mate Pete, yeah? Lad.
And for you, the new cocktail
I designed. It's called
a micro-cock...tail.
Okay? Packs a real punch.
Size doesn't always matter.
Sometimes the best things
are small...really tiny.
-I keep telling her that.
-Eh? Lad alert!
Come on! We should hang.
We should chill.
-How exciting.
-All the best.
-Cheers!
-Is your nan looking for love?
Is she looking for love,
romance? No, no, no.
She's done all that ages ago.
When you get to, like, her age,
everything's just cool.
Like, you just have your
meals or whatever. You don't
do any weird stuff like that.
Ooh! [laughs]
-Does it have a kick?
-I don't know what it is.
[they laugh]
You're very attractive
when you giggle like that.
-Do you know that?
-Don't be silly.
Grindah! Grindah's here.
You're gonna love him.
-Trust me, yeah.
-All right, mate?
Grindah's here.
Ah, you're gonna love him.
-Yes, mate. You all right?
-Thanks for coming down, man.
No worries. I thought I'd
come down to meet Darren.
-Yeah. Darren. This is Grindah.
-Hello, Darren, mate.
Nice to meet ya.
-You all right, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah.
You not drinking? You forgot
your ID or something, eh?
-[laughter]
-I'm so glad
you lot finally met.
This is gonna be one
of the best night's ever.
-Innit?
-Yeah.
And the avant-garde avocado.
Belissi-botto.
-Mwah!
-Oh, thank you.
And the piri-piri chicken.
Mwah!
Tell you what, Steve's nan,
best worker in the game,
this guy.
-You should be proud. So good.
-I hope you're paying him
properly.
Well, that's something, you
know, employer confidential...
-Tenner a day.
-Good God!
-'Ere, I'll report you.
-No, no, it's not t...
Tenner a day?
I pay you more than...
-It's always a tenner a day.
-I'm not having that! No, no.
I'm going to be having
strong words with
the accountant tomorrow.
-Make sure you do.
-I will do it now
for you, madam.
Ten pounds a day!
Come on, mate!
Uh, enjoy the food.
-Right, thank you.
-Does that mean I get
paid more now, Chabsie?
I just got a text through
and they have just confirmed
that you are on the right wage.
-Oh? Thanks for checking, man.
-No problem, mate.
-[laughter]
-I'll get the next ones in then.
You lot probably want
to get to know each other.
-Same again?
-Yes, please, mate.
Eh, a sec, Kev. Sorry,
what's the capital of Thailand?
-Fuck knows. Singapore.
-No. Bangkok!
Oh, that actually hurt as well.
-Good one, innit?
-No, cos I've heard
that one before.
I would've said, "Bangkok!"
and blocked it straight away.
-Same again, yeah?
-Yes, please.
♪ If you're happy and you
know, clap your hands ♪
-Miche, tea's up, babe!
-Thanks, Mum!
[she sings]
-Thank you.
-'Ere are. Now,
where are your bin bags?
Mum, I told you, we're not
packing his stuff up.
This is your house, babe.
You don't want all
these reminders.
-Make the break-up even harder.
-I told you, we're not
breaking up.
-We're just, you know,
taking some time out.
-I hear ya.
Do you think Miche and
Grindah make a good couple?
Not really, darlin'. He's
punching well above his weight.
Well above his weight.
I just think she's worth more
than that. She's my princess,
so I'm gonna say that,
ain't I? But he is a tosser.
I'll tell you that for nothing.
I'll tell what we do? We'll
just pack up his stuff anyway.
Pop it by the door, then if
the break-up were to go ahead,
-God forbid, it'll be all ready.
-No, Mum.
Put the bin bags down, Mum.
-Oh, there's the taxi.
-Yeah, let's open
the door for you.
There we go.
See you later. Are you gonna
be all right getting back, yeah?
Ooh, I'll be fine.
Peter will look after me.
Yes, you'll be
well looked after.
-Yeah.
-Let's get you back before
you start getting tired.
I've got plenty of energy left!
-Ooh!
-Are you doing something
when you get back?
I certainly hope so!
-[they chuckle]
-Yeah, yeah. Have a good one.
-Perhaps more than one!
-Ooh, stop it!
-[laughter]
-See you later, anyways.
-See you!
-Right, darlin', see you. Bye!
-Bye, Steve!
-Ta-ta, bye!
What do you think of him?
He's proper safe, innit?
Like on the level.
Not on my level, mate.
Here you go, boys.
-Oh, cheers, mate.
-There's one.
There you are, pal.
Boys, you see that barmaid?
Proper sort, mate, d'you
know what I mean?
-Yeah.
-Do you know what would make
her look a lot better though?
-Go on.
-My balls on her chin.
-[laughter]
-The imagery, yeah.
I was just gonna say,
are those Huaraches?
Huaraches, yes, mate, yeah.
Proper comfortable.
Good for raving.
He loves raving as well.
Well, what sort of music
do you actually like then?
-A bit of everything, really.
House, techno stuff.
-House? Yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-What's your standpoint
on garage?
Garage? Fuck, man, I haven't
listened to that for years.
Hang on a minute,
it ain't 1998, is it?
-[he laughs]
-No, it's not, mate.
Only an idiot would listen
to garage though, isn't it?
-Fucking pile of shit!
-Yeah! It is, innit?
-Why would you ever
listen to garage?
-I've got no fucking clue.
Hang on, I think So Solid Crew
are calling me up!
-[laughter]
-Listen, I tell you what.
Why don't we delete
garage forever?!
-That's it, yeah.
-You've got 21 seconds to go.
Go! Fuck off then if you've
got 21 seconds to go.
Just fuck off, garage!
Bunch of twats! Fuck off!
Get outta my life, mate.
-Ah!
-Make some good fucking music.
Funny fucker, you are.
Ah! I've just realised I've
gotta shoot off, but, um...
Yeah, enjoy your night,
lads, yeah? Oh!
See you later, boy.
Nice to meet ya.
Nice to meet you, mate.
Take care.
Yeah, I'm probably gonna shoot
off as well, actually.
I've got, like, uh,
an urgent thing.
-What, you going?
-Keep the pints though, man.
All right. Well, I'll
see you Thursday then, yeah?
I'll let you know.
-All right?
-Come on, mate.
Let's get you home. You could
do so much better than that.
I know.
Okay, who's up for a bit
of champagne? Tia?
Yep. You know what?
It's been a good day.
Steves, do you want one?
Oh, no, I don't touch that
stuff. Fucks with you head.
Oh, God! The good stuff.
This always make me jump. Shit!
-To my new business apprentice.
-You're more like my
apprentice, if anything.
To think, yeah,
this place was nothing
and we've built up a whole
restaurant together.
I'm basically Gordon Ramsay.
Gordon Chabsie!
I think we work really well
together as a team.
I think we work really
well together too. It's...
It's just beautiful.
-Let's not do that!
-Sorry, I...
-I thought that was my moment.
-It's okay. I think you just
got things a bit twisted.
Look, you're my boss and
I admire you as a professional.
We work really well as a team...
And you've done it again.
Sorry. I just...
read it wrong again.
-Bare washing-up to do, man.
-Yeah.
Anyway, safe, man.
See you tomorrow, yeah?
-See you tomorrow.
-Or I was going say, actually.
-I might as well just stay
round tonight.
-No, I'll be fine, honestly.
-Yeah. Thanks for caring though.
-Yeah, it's just...you know.
Good to make sure you're
all right after what you've
been through and that.
I'll be fine. Roche and Craig
are there. They'll perk me up.
-No, that's cool.
-Yeah.
Look, I just...
I just don't wanna go
back home, man. Miche'll be
doing my nut in and just...
-Oh?
-Bare arguments and that.
-Did she kick you out?
-No, she didn't kick me out.
She just...
Look, it's complicated. I just
can't go back there tonight.
-Mate, of course you can stay.
-Yeah?
-SNM, mate. Say no more.
-What did I tell ya?
-My casa is your casa.
-[both] Come on, let's go in.
-Uh!
-Uh!
Actually...just got to ask
Roche if it's all right first.
Oh, great.
-Rochelle?
-Yeah.
-Hi, Roche.
-Hi.
-How are you?
-Fine.
-How's Craig?
-Fine.
Cool.
-Roche?
-Yes?
Is it all right if Grindah
stays tonight?
He had this big fight
with Miche.
-She kicked him out.
-She didn't kick me out.
I left cos she was acting weird.
Did you put her in a bad mood?
I think you're more than capable
of doing that yourself.
-Beats said I could stay, so...
-Well, it ain't up to Beats.
-Beats?
-Sorry.
Is it all right?
All right, you can stay,
but just for tonight.
-Can I get a juice?
-Help yourself, mate.
So did you have a nice drink
with Darren?
Nah, shit. To be honest,
I don't really wanna go
parent classes any more.
-Well, you know I'm up for that.
-Yeah.
-You don't need it these days.
It's pointless.
-Yeah.
Did something happen with
Darren? You two seemed like
you were getting on really well.
-Nah.
-Nah.
He's just not
who I thought he was.
I don't really want to talk
about it, to be honest.
Oh, okay, I won't ask
any more then.
-Do you some more now, Miche?
-I'm all right, thanks.
-You sure? It does help.
-Yeah, I'll see
if the tea works.
If in doubt, drink wine.
Mummy, where's Daddy?
Oh, Daddy's having a sleepover
at Uncle Beats's house.
-Why?
-Why?
Because sometimes grown-ups
need to be separate,
because one's an idiot and
takes everything for granted.
Mummy, Nana says
you're an idiot.
No, she's not talking about me.
She's talking about Daddy.
-Daddy?
-Daddy's the idiot.
Daddy's a plonker.
-Brought you the sleeping bag.
-Aah!
-Oh, this is beautiful.
-I'll just...
Yeah. Oh, it's lovely being
able to sprawl out, actually.
No one else in the bed. Aw!
-You got everything
you need, mate?
-Yeah, worked out perfectly.
Cos you've got the old
widescreen TV in my room, so...
-You're always welcome
round mine, mate.
-Cheers, mate.
-Sleep well, soldier. See you
in the morning, yeah?
-Night, mate.
[Beats] Your best mates are
there for you, like, to pick
you up when you're down.
Like, if you need somewhere
to stay, "Here's a bed."
You need some money,
"Here's a bit of cash."
-What, you got some dough?
-Nah, it's just
what you say, innit?
-You wouldn't say it if you
ain't got any money on you.
-Sorry.
[snores]
[explosion and gunfire]
What the fuck? He's a fucking
newb! What you doing, you mug?
Grenade him!
Oh, my God!