People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 3, Episode 3 - Court Case - full transcript
Grindah is summoned to court for non-payment of a fine for dropping litter, leaving Steves on his own at Kurupt FM for an eight hour session which, despite Steves having taken his grandma's prescription drugs to help him, goes horribly wrong - as, in Roche's opinion does Chabuddy's efforts at painting her new arrival's nursery. Cocky as ever Grindah believes he has beaten the system when he walks free from court but with the fine bumped up to £700 sensible Michelle knows sacrifices must be made - including the sale of Grindah's prize jacket.
Guess how many sleeps
it is till the wedding?
-One day.
-120. Close.
[Grindah] Orzeski Sola. What?
Where's all the...? Why's
everything written in foreign?
-Have you been shopping at
the fake supermarket again?
-Yeah.
Just cos we need to save
a little bit of money
for the wedding fund.
-They taste the same,
don't they?
-Sort of.
Coco Krisps? These are fake
Coco Pops! It hasn't even
got the monkey on the front.
It's like the cereal version
of two-stripe tracksuit bottoms.
You know I wouldn't
be seen dead in them.
Great! It didn't even turn
the milk chocolatey.
[director] So has Grindah
contributed much to
the wedding fund?
Uh, he hasn't put loads
towards it yet, but...
he did contribute
the jar itself
and that's, obviously,
a massive help.
It's actually his old weed jar,
but I've just written
"wedding fund" on it.
So now it looks like
a completely different jar.
You can see bits at
the bottom still, but...
Oh!
I forgot about that.
Another letter from
Her Royal Majesty.
Funny how a moment of madness
can change your life forever,
isn't it?
-What's the letter?
-Uh, just...
-Can't really talk about it
at the moment, mate.
-Okay.
But what I will say is
it's just another...
bit of trouble with the law
again, d'you know what I mean?
But they can't hold me down.
"Court case pending".
Basically, he got caught
dropping a cigarette and he
refused to pay the fine, so...
I mean, what do they expect
people to do?
Walk around with their
own ashtrays or something?
I mean, it's political
correctness gone mad.
Oi, oi!
Bo-Nan-za!
There's my nan!
Oh, there he is, there he is.
-Are you all right, love?
-Yes!
-Yes!
-I didn't expect you.
-Sorry, man. Squeeze on there.
-Make yourself comfortable.
-Did you get your prescription
through today?
-Yes, thank you.
-Oh, that's good, innit?
-Yes, thank you.
That reminds me.
Won't keep you a moment.
-Aaaaaagh! Yes!
-Talk amongst yourselves.
Prescription day.
It's really exciting.
D-I-Y.
Every champion needs his belt.
And I am DIY champion
of the world. [laughs]
I'm definitely a handyman.
I'm the guy you call.
I'm the handy guy.
Handy Peters.
Uh! Breath in.
I did everything myself.
I came here, built
an empire by myself, yeah?
Built the perfect home
for myself.
Built the perfect wife
for myself, until she...
You know what happened.
But I'm a very DIY guy.
Nah, it's impossible.
There's too many pieces.
It should just come
already done, innit?
-Hiya, Steve.
-All right, Nan.
Is that enough?
Yeah, that's perfect!
Oh, amazing.
You planning a big do, are you?
No, no, no, it's just a DJ set,
but it's like an eight-hour one.
So it's quite a big deal for me.
I would say drugs can
definitely help you to be,
like, more creative.
Cos look at some of
the best music ever made.
It's made by people that are
just off their nut on drugs.
[director] Are you saying drugs
have helped your music career?
I wouldn't be where I am today
if it wasn't for the drugs,
I'll say that much.
'Ere, make sure you give your
old nan a good shout out.
Obviously. Shout out my nan
each and every!
-Shout out the jigsaw crew!
-Yes, yes.
Shout the old
colostomy bag crew!
Yes!
-Hi.
-Rochie. How you doing?
-I'm all right. How are you?
-Here to get busy.
-Okay, nothing structural.
-Whey, Kevin!
-[laughs] DIY! DIY!
-Yes!
-Just be sensible, yeah?
-Don't worry, don't worry.
-Nothing massive.
-Oh, that's what she said!
-Yeah, that is what she said.
-Okay.
[Kevin] Yeah, I promised Roche
that I'd get the baby's room
ready in time for the birth.
It's actually called nesting.
Yeah, it's what birds do.
But, obviously, without
using twigs or spit.
Hey, just throw it,
just throw it. It's fine.
[director] You got Chabuds
in to help you with
the baby's room?
Yeah. I mean, Chabuds is one
of those guys that can
do anything.
And I thought, you know,
like, he's cheaper
than getting
a proper painter in.
On this wall, right,
I was thinking maybe
we could have a memorial
with, like, loads of
cartoon characters in,
cos kids love that, innit?
They do love... Yeah, I can do
that for you, no problem.
I have all the classics.
The Mickey Mouse,
the Goofy Ducks.
-I can do that, no problem.
-Brilliant, brilliant.
-Really...
-Craig! Do you want
to help your old man?
Craig? Craig?
So you're gonna have a sister.
Are you good with girlie things?
-Obviously not.
-He used fake tan once.
-Yeah.
-That was just an error.
I once showered with Roche's
thing called Jolene.
I lost all my body hair.
-Bit worried about Craig,
actually.
-Yeah.
Apparently, when you
have a new kid, right,
sometimes the older kid
feels a bit left out.
Yeah, I've heard about that.
You know what you need to do?
You need to get a piece of
clothing, piece of cloth,
from the baby,
and put the cloth directly
under Craig's nose when
he's sleeping.
That way, subconsciously,
he will not feel threatened
by the baby child, you know?
Yeah, I think that's dogs.
Actually, that is dogs.
Yeah, that's dogs.
Yeah, that's probably enough,
cos you've got gel
on there as well.
Just going to give him some
of this extra-firm hold, so...
Yeah, not too much! You've got
quite a lot of product on that.
Ooh, Miche, I've got the details
of that make-up artist
we used for my wedding.
Oh, amazing! Thank you.
I don't know what our budget
is yet, cos Grindah's got
his court case tomorrow.
He still hasn't paid that fine?
That is mental!
I know. I'm worried
it's going to go up loads.
I read about this woman
who disputed a parking fine.
She ended up having to pay
loads more. She had to
sell her car.
Oh, we'll be fine then,
cos we haven't got a car, so...
I think it looks amazing.
Just do that. It creates
a nice swoosh effect.
-Just be one with the paint.
-Nice.
-I really get into it, you know.
-[knocking on front door]
No, it's all right,
the pregnant lady will get it.
Oh, hello. Are you here
to help as well, are you?
-Uh? No.
-No? What you here for then?
What am I here for? Beats
wants me in my last hour.
Oh, that's right.
Sent down for a cigarette.
-Yeah, I could be, so...
-I know.
-Yeah, you know, so...
-It'll be awful.
Yeah, you'll be awful.
How you boys doing?
You all right?
-Yeah, so...
-Easy, boys.
-Grindah!
-Grindah!
-Yes! Thanks for coming, man.
-No worries.
-Thanks for helping out.
-No, no, no, none of that.
I got court tomorrow,
so I can't get any paint on me.
-Big day, innit? Of course.
-Yeah.
Ah! Never noticed
that tree before.
Only things you notice when
your freedom's at stake, innit?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Is jail tough?
-Depends who you are, mate.
Not for me,
d'you know what I mean, like?
Fucking jail's jail, innit?
You do your T.
You ride it
and you duck out, like.
-You, uh, packed
your jail bag yet?
-Good point.
Make sure I've got
all the old jail essentials.
Apart from the contraband shit,
of course. There's other
ways of getting that in there.
Grindah said he went to
the hardest prison in England.
-Yeah.
-That's why he got bullied.
I didn't get bullied. They had
to move me to protect
the others.
Yeah, they said he was on
a wing with all the sort
of snitches and paedos.
Why is he constantly
saying that?
-[drum and bass]
-Hold tight, the Hanworth
crew locked in, yeah?
-Heston massive. Isleworth
crew. Were you there?
-Saint, saint.
Just a reminder of the change
of schedule tomorrow.
We're gonna be down at court,
so DJ Steves will be doing
an 8-hour marathon set.
-Trust me!
-Make sure you
lock in for that one.
We'll be leaving you in
the capable hands of Stevie!
Innit, Steves?
Tomorrow, the set?
-Yeah?
-Definitely. Good to go.
-He's knows what
he's fucking doing.
-Grindah.
-Got that.
-What's that?
-It's my little plan.
-Oh, planned and
everything? Good man.
Yeah, I can plan things,
like, when I need to.
Like, if I put my mind
to something, I can
normally...do it.
Once I went to Glastonbury.
Didn't have a ticket.
Spent two days digging
under the fence.
Managed to catch the last
two hours. All for free.
Hold tight, the crew inside,
yeah?
Big up anyone who ain't heard.
I will going down court
tomorrow.
Because dirty Babylon, yeah,
are trying to take me
down yet again.
-D'you know what I mean?
-Bung down Babylon.
Feel free to come down
and smash up the place.
Don't say "smash up the place",
cos they'll trace it back
to me, you freak!
Don't smash up the place,
but just come down with, like,
placards and banners,
and fucking megaphones and all
that, d'you know what I mean,
like? Yeah, should be good.
Good day's work.
-You all right, Craigie?
-Yeah, I'm good.
Hey...nice room you've got here,
mate. Cool posters.
Listen, um...
Uncle Chabsie just wanted
to have a word with you,
if that's all right?
You don't have to be worried
about the baby, okay?
-Kevin loves you
very, very much.
-What?!
Don't be embarrassed, mate.
Hold that baby tight
to your bosom.
Okay? That little baby will
cherish the nourishments
from your bosoms
for a thousand lifetimes.
-Okay?
-Yeah.
Just think about it, mate.
[sighs]
Hey, Craigie.
Cherish it.
Goodnight, mate.
What you doing, man?
Leave the light on!
-A bit of that, yeah, yeah.
-Oi, I can't believe, like,
it's actually happening.
Do you think you will
get sent down?
Ah, you never know with
these things, you know?
Only time will tell.
It does happen, man.
Remember Fat Pete?
The other week, he went down
for a little driving thing.
What do you mean "he went
down for a driving thing"?
You can't just go down for...
-Yeah, he was trying to
dispute it or something.
-That's bollocks.
Decoy, you can't get sent
down just for a little thing?
-Yeah, definitely. Fully.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Fully sent down?
My mate Darren was saying
that if you've got previous,
-apparently you get
a harsher sentence.
-I've had previous!
Yeah.
I don't know what to do, man.
I'm sorry.
-It's all right...
-Look, if you do go down,
we'll look after radio.
You've got nothing
to worry about.
Me and Steves will... Anything
you leave, like, anything.
Fuck off me. I'm not getting
fucking sent down for dropping
a cigarette on the floor.
That would be fucking mental.
Wouldn't it?
-That bit's still out though.
-Yeah, I know.
There's a little bit that's out.
-I just wanna make sure
everything's...
-Yeah, I know. It is. Look.
-Smart? Yeah?
-Yeah.
Thanks.
Not too tight. I'm going to
have the Avirex on over this.
Just don't make it any worse.
Just plead guilty and pay
the £80 original fine.
-That's all you need to do.
-I'm not pleading guilty.
Guilty means automatic prison.
Stop putting things in my head.
I can't concentrate.
You're not gonna go prison.
The less you argue, the less
the fine will be.
-Just think about the wedding.
-Fuck the wedding! This is my
happiness we're talking about.
It's my life!
What do you reckon, boys?
Is that all right?
-See you later.
-Bye.
[drum and bass plays]
[Nan] You're locked into
the sounds of DJ Steves.
Shout out my nan.
Thanks for the care package.
It's given me everything I need
to get through the day.
Coming up over the next
eight hours, we will be
bringing you...
vocal garage, speed garage,
garage, dance-hype garage.
Grime.
Jungle. Dub Boy for Decoy.
Shout Decoy!
Drum and bass.
And some various hardcore
tunes, the only ones
Grindah likes.
[coughs]
Right.
You've got to use what's around.
You've got to be creative.
I could transform this.
I see things right now
you'll never see in
your life. Look at this.
-What do you think that is?
-It's a watering can.
-Is it?
-Yeah.
Yeah? You know what I see?
It's a loud speaker.
Hello.
Very simple
way of thinking you have.
How come you're not
down the courthouse
with the rest of the Grindah
appreciation society?
I like to stay away from
courtrooms, just in general.
They ask too many questions.
"What's your name?" You know.
So I like to keep my head down,
stay off the radar.
Oh! Very nice. Very daring.
[laughs]
-Are you finished upstairs?
-Yeah. I'll crack on.
Got a bit more to do.
I dunno. What do you reckon?
Done up or undone?
-Maybe just not wear it
at all, man.
-But it's a £200 jacket, man!
I'm trying to look
as smart as possible.
Easy. Got you a Maccys
with 20 nuggets
for, like, your last meal.
It's not my last meal!
Stop going on like
I'm going to jail constantly.
Actually, let me have
the chips. I'm feeling
a bit light-headed.
Quick! Quick!
I can't eat, I can't eat.
Take it.
-Good morning.
-Name?
Erm, Tony.
-Er...Zagrofoff.
-What?!
Zagrofoff. There's nothing
wrong with it. It's Greek.
All good?
Could I...have a quick word,
please, mate?
Erm...
Is there any way we could
just call this all off?
I've got 80 quid on me now
and we could just save
everybody's time.
-I can't do that, I'm afraid.
-Yeah...
I get where you're coming from,
but no one has to know, yeah?
Just, literally,
ignore the envelope.
Ah! Can you make your way
to Court 4, please?
-Please, there's 80 quid in
there. You can have that...
-Court 4.
All right, all right,
get off me!
Bang them doors, brother!
Free Grindah!
-Stop saying...
-Bang them doors!
I haven't even got doors yet!
Stop saying that.
[director] How would
you do in jail?
I'd be all right, cos last
time Grindah went jail, right,
I actually learnt
how to plug things.
What do you mean
by "plug things"?
Plugging.
You put things in a condom
and you plug it.
-Oh, what? Up...?
-Yeah, I've got
an N-gauge up there.
-A whole N-gauge?
-Yeah. And a charger.
Are you worried about
Grindah's fine?
Yeah, I really don't want it
to affect the wedding budget.
So I reckon if I could just
sell a few things and
I could make the £80,
we won't have to cut back
on any essentials.
Like I'm really worrying about
the cost of pony rental now.
Nothing like a good bit
of carpentry.
Very holy. Like Jesus, isn't it?
Very good with wood.
[laughs]
This will go on here.
Keep the baby nice and safe.
The other thing
about this cot, yeah?
They can stick this bad boy
out in the garden, yeah?
Nice bit of weather.
Have a lovely barbecue, mate.
Do you want a burger, mate?
[laughs] Get the Pimm-ps, mate!
Let's have a nice glass
of Pimm-ps.
Two in one. Barbecue grill.
Baby's cot.
Just hold that bit.
Baby's cot.
[drum and bass plays]
It's lovely when
it doesn't overflow.
Right.
Locked into the sounds
of DJ Steves.
Taking you through, we've got...
a little bit of grime
coming up for you.
Sorry. No, we've got jungle
coming up for you.
Oh, my God, no fucking way!
No! No!
Fucking hell!
It's gone in my eyes.
It's in my eyes.
I've got piss in my eyes.
Fuck's sake! The list is fucked
and I'm covered in piss.
Should've just gone fucking
toilet. It's only there.
I can't sit around any more.
I've got to be in there, man.
-I'm gonna wait outside, yeah?
-Yeah?
-Sure?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If Grindah goes jail, yeah,
and Kurupt FM dies,
it's not just me or the Kurupt
FM boys that are let down.
But it's the listener
and I think that's what
hurts the most.
Just knowing that there's,
like, tens of hun...
Ten to a hundred listeners
all locked on,
like, just waiting
for their favourite MC.
And he's not there any more.
[Grindah] My head
was all clouded.
Please, can I just, please,
pay the original fine? Look.
-I've got it here.
-Mr Zografoss, please, sit down.
-Can you just take it?
-Mr Zografoss!
-Stop saying
my surname constantly.
-Mr Zagrofoff!
"Mr Zagrofoff".
[Steves] Oh, fuck!
All right, fucking hell.
I don't know what... Ah...
Where's the coke?
I don't know what I'm
supposed to play next.
It's got to be... Fuck off!
No!
This'll do, this'll do!
[sighs]
This will do.
Right, you know what?
Emergency situation calls...
for my little emergency helper.
Acid.
We're gonna be all right.
We're gonna be all right.
Yeah, your brain can get tired,
but you only use
a small percentage
of your brain.
And if you take acid,
for example,
you can actually access
different other bits
of your brain,
bits that aren't as tired.
Steves!
It's like with a plane.
You have, like, another engine.
If one engine fails, then
the other engines will come on,
the spare engines.
If you turn them all on,
fucking hell,
you're flying, mate.
Aah, sorry.
Door open. Follow my voice,
follow my voice.
-Through this, through this.
-No comment, no comment.
All right, you're out.
Everybody, stand back!
-I don't think you're gonna
need that jacket, bruv.
-What?
Where's all the press and shit?
You...
-I dunno. I think the clocks
went back a few weeks ago.
-Oh, is it?
You boys are gonna have to film
this, cos the news crews must
have got it mixed up.
You lot can pick it up,
send it over to 'em.
Pop yourself down there.
Got the court in the background,
yeah? Okay.
-Ready?
-Go.
I would just like to say,
on behalf of myself,
my family and the BBC,
-that justice has been served
in Brentford today.
-Yes.
Hold tight the judge and big
up everyone that's been there
for me in these dark times.
I've escaped jail and
I'm once again a free man.
-Feels good to be out.
-Feels great.
-[both] Amen.
-I'll be making no further
comments on this occasion.
Give my client a bit of space,
please.
-Have you still
got those nuggets?
-No, me and Decoy twosed them.
Ah. I'm free! I beat the case!
I beat it!
Daddy's back.
-So how much was it?
-How much was it?!
Look at her. So selfish.
I nearly went prison.
Obviously, I'm glad you didn't,
but how much?
Well, surprise, surprise.
You get your £80 back.
What? How? That's amazing.
Cos, basically, you've got
to read this instead,
apparently.
Where is it? There you go.
Yeah, some sort of...
I did try asking for a tag
instead, but, um...
Yeah, apparently, they don't
do trades, so... Yeah,
it's just on the next page.
-[sighs]
-What? £700?!
-Why is it so much?
-I don't know.
But you can't really put
a price on freedom, can ya?
If you could, it'd be
more than 700, mate.
It'd be about ten grand, so...
-You're lucky.
-[Miche sighs]
Well, anyway,
it's done now, innit?
-[drum and bass plays]
-It's in here. Where'd it go?
It's in the walls!
I can hear it in the walls!
Uuuh!
Can you hear the scratching?
Maybe it's trying
to communicate.
Tia!
Yeah, that's £2, please.
Hold on a minute.
You're selling peanuts?
You know that's my thing.
Copycat.
You just add a bit of spice
to some normal nuts
-and charge double the price!
-What?
[director]
So how did you find Tia?
Tia was, uh, you know,
she just wandered in.
And I just gave her
a quick interview.
And that was it, you know.
I saw that she had
the same street savvy
entrepreneurship that I have.
Gourmet peanuts, £3. Eh? Eh?
-She wanted to get
into the food game.
-But you don't make food.
We don't make food yet,
but we will,
because she has
a lot of dreams. She's
very ambitious, like I am.
Okay, we need to
sort out the kitchen,
which means I need the metal
bit for the grill.
The metal bit?
What is that not in here?
-Yeah, it's missing.
-What?!
No! No, I haven't seen it.
It was here, wasn't it?
Where's it gone?
Someone must have taken it.
Abdi, Abdi. Abdi must have.
I mean, this is weird
even for him, right?
Who are they meant to be?
She's got tits.
He's got his tongue fallen off
and two teeth in
a gaping mouth.
What is it?
Has he cut my
fucking curtains up?
Look at it! It's fucked!
Is that...?
Is that a fucking grill?
[director] Do you think
you'll get Chabuddy
to do more work for you?
Yes, I'm gonna get Chabuddy
to do more work.
The first thing he's gonna
do is paint over this
fucking monstrosity.
[fades music down]
This is an SOS.
We've reached the day
of reckoning, people.
The Illuminati...
are everywhere.
The symbol of the Illuminati
is the all-seeing eye.
And if you look carefully,
you can see eyes everywhere.
Ugh, fucking hell!
-What the fuck's that playing?
-It stinks of piss, Steves.
-I should've known. Steve mate!
-What's going on, man?
You've had one of your episodes
again. Just... What're
you doing?
Just calm down, mate.
Get away from the decks.
Steves, just get away from...
Ugh! Why are you wet?
You fucking stink as well!
Get off me! Come on, mate.
-You been eight hours?
-Very pungent smell in here.
-You're done, mate. It's over.
-What day is it today?
-Are we finished?
-We're done. You're done.
You're over. All right, mate.
Yeah, well done, Steves, mate.
You done really well.
-I did it!
-You did it, mate, yeah.
Let's get you through...
We need to just get you out
of the room for a sec.
Shall I lock him
in the bathroom?
Yeah, wash his face as well.
Usually calms him down.
-Are you washing my face?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-Come on.
-[Beats] Yeah, Steves does
struggle with the longer sets.
-I think he gets overwhelmed.
-Yeah, he does.
It's mainly the daytime ones,
cos he ain't really used to it.
I think it just throws up
his body clock a little bit.
-Oh, so it's happened before?
-Yeah. Like, one time he fucking
just burnt his bed down.
Cos he decided he never
wanted to sleep again.
-That's why he sleeps
on the floor now.
-Yeah.
I just want to take this moment
for your listening pleasure.
-That's my intro.
-Fresh out the pen.
Mc Grindah.
Sounds of the...sounds of the...
sounds of the MC Grindah!
Mic check one, two.
Aka the white Mandela.
Aka you can never hold me down.
Aka I'm finally free
from persecution.
Ah, feels great to hear
the sound of my own voice again.
-Shall I run the...?
-Run the rhythm!
Basically, yeah, us and the law
has been an on-going battle
from day dot.
It's almost like a game
that you can't win or lose.
-It just sort of continues.
-Oh, you can lose.
You can go to jail.
Yeah, and if you pay
a massive fine as well.
-I didn't pay the fine,
so I still win.
-Well done, mate.
This is Grindah's favourite
jacket. This is his, like,
signature style.
You could wear this,
you know, from the '30s
to the modern day.
Like, this is a timeless
piece of fashion.
But we need to sell it.
I don't think Grindah's
gonna be happy about it,
but I just think,
deep down, this is actually
what he wants me to do, so that
he can have the most beautiful,
like, perfect wedding day,
the best day of his life.
And we don't have
to tell him straight away.
It's good to have
you back, mate.
-It's good to have me
back too, mate.
-Cheers, mate.
I can't believe I was like
this close to being in
a fucking cell, like.
Some tiny little room just
surrounded by bare little
weird brares and that.
[Grindah] We're free men, yeah?
We will not be ridiculously
subjected to your stupid
little man made-up laws, mate.
Exactly. Subject your law
and stick it up your arse!
-Trust me!
-Fuck the system!
Fuck the system!
Fuck the police, yeah?
-Exactly.
-Trust me.
-Actually, I might...
-Yeah, you should
probably get that.
it is till the wedding?
-One day.
-120. Close.
[Grindah] Orzeski Sola. What?
Where's all the...? Why's
everything written in foreign?
-Have you been shopping at
the fake supermarket again?
-Yeah.
Just cos we need to save
a little bit of money
for the wedding fund.
-They taste the same,
don't they?
-Sort of.
Coco Krisps? These are fake
Coco Pops! It hasn't even
got the monkey on the front.
It's like the cereal version
of two-stripe tracksuit bottoms.
You know I wouldn't
be seen dead in them.
Great! It didn't even turn
the milk chocolatey.
[director] So has Grindah
contributed much to
the wedding fund?
Uh, he hasn't put loads
towards it yet, but...
he did contribute
the jar itself
and that's, obviously,
a massive help.
It's actually his old weed jar,
but I've just written
"wedding fund" on it.
So now it looks like
a completely different jar.
You can see bits at
the bottom still, but...
Oh!
I forgot about that.
Another letter from
Her Royal Majesty.
Funny how a moment of madness
can change your life forever,
isn't it?
-What's the letter?
-Uh, just...
-Can't really talk about it
at the moment, mate.
-Okay.
But what I will say is
it's just another...
bit of trouble with the law
again, d'you know what I mean?
But they can't hold me down.
"Court case pending".
Basically, he got caught
dropping a cigarette and he
refused to pay the fine, so...
I mean, what do they expect
people to do?
Walk around with their
own ashtrays or something?
I mean, it's political
correctness gone mad.
Oi, oi!
Bo-Nan-za!
There's my nan!
Oh, there he is, there he is.
-Are you all right, love?
-Yes!
-Yes!
-I didn't expect you.
-Sorry, man. Squeeze on there.
-Make yourself comfortable.
-Did you get your prescription
through today?
-Yes, thank you.
-Oh, that's good, innit?
-Yes, thank you.
That reminds me.
Won't keep you a moment.
-Aaaaaagh! Yes!
-Talk amongst yourselves.
Prescription day.
It's really exciting.
D-I-Y.
Every champion needs his belt.
And I am DIY champion
of the world. [laughs]
I'm definitely a handyman.
I'm the guy you call.
I'm the handy guy.
Handy Peters.
Uh! Breath in.
I did everything myself.
I came here, built
an empire by myself, yeah?
Built the perfect home
for myself.
Built the perfect wife
for myself, until she...
You know what happened.
But I'm a very DIY guy.
Nah, it's impossible.
There's too many pieces.
It should just come
already done, innit?
-Hiya, Steve.
-All right, Nan.
Is that enough?
Yeah, that's perfect!
Oh, amazing.
You planning a big do, are you?
No, no, no, it's just a DJ set,
but it's like an eight-hour one.
So it's quite a big deal for me.
I would say drugs can
definitely help you to be,
like, more creative.
Cos look at some of
the best music ever made.
It's made by people that are
just off their nut on drugs.
[director] Are you saying drugs
have helped your music career?
I wouldn't be where I am today
if it wasn't for the drugs,
I'll say that much.
'Ere, make sure you give your
old nan a good shout out.
Obviously. Shout out my nan
each and every!
-Shout out the jigsaw crew!
-Yes, yes.
Shout the old
colostomy bag crew!
Yes!
-Hi.
-Rochie. How you doing?
-I'm all right. How are you?
-Here to get busy.
-Okay, nothing structural.
-Whey, Kevin!
-[laughs] DIY! DIY!
-Yes!
-Just be sensible, yeah?
-Don't worry, don't worry.
-Nothing massive.
-Oh, that's what she said!
-Yeah, that is what she said.
-Okay.
[Kevin] Yeah, I promised Roche
that I'd get the baby's room
ready in time for the birth.
It's actually called nesting.
Yeah, it's what birds do.
But, obviously, without
using twigs or spit.
Hey, just throw it,
just throw it. It's fine.
[director] You got Chabuds
in to help you with
the baby's room?
Yeah. I mean, Chabuds is one
of those guys that can
do anything.
And I thought, you know,
like, he's cheaper
than getting
a proper painter in.
On this wall, right,
I was thinking maybe
we could have a memorial
with, like, loads of
cartoon characters in,
cos kids love that, innit?
They do love... Yeah, I can do
that for you, no problem.
I have all the classics.
The Mickey Mouse,
the Goofy Ducks.
-I can do that, no problem.
-Brilliant, brilliant.
-Really...
-Craig! Do you want
to help your old man?
Craig? Craig?
So you're gonna have a sister.
Are you good with girlie things?
-Obviously not.
-He used fake tan once.
-Yeah.
-That was just an error.
I once showered with Roche's
thing called Jolene.
I lost all my body hair.
-Bit worried about Craig,
actually.
-Yeah.
Apparently, when you
have a new kid, right,
sometimes the older kid
feels a bit left out.
Yeah, I've heard about that.
You know what you need to do?
You need to get a piece of
clothing, piece of cloth,
from the baby,
and put the cloth directly
under Craig's nose when
he's sleeping.
That way, subconsciously,
he will not feel threatened
by the baby child, you know?
Yeah, I think that's dogs.
Actually, that is dogs.
Yeah, that's dogs.
Yeah, that's probably enough,
cos you've got gel
on there as well.
Just going to give him some
of this extra-firm hold, so...
Yeah, not too much! You've got
quite a lot of product on that.
Ooh, Miche, I've got the details
of that make-up artist
we used for my wedding.
Oh, amazing! Thank you.
I don't know what our budget
is yet, cos Grindah's got
his court case tomorrow.
He still hasn't paid that fine?
That is mental!
I know. I'm worried
it's going to go up loads.
I read about this woman
who disputed a parking fine.
She ended up having to pay
loads more. She had to
sell her car.
Oh, we'll be fine then,
cos we haven't got a car, so...
I think it looks amazing.
Just do that. It creates
a nice swoosh effect.
-Just be one with the paint.
-Nice.
-I really get into it, you know.
-[knocking on front door]
No, it's all right,
the pregnant lady will get it.
Oh, hello. Are you here
to help as well, are you?
-Uh? No.
-No? What you here for then?
What am I here for? Beats
wants me in my last hour.
Oh, that's right.
Sent down for a cigarette.
-Yeah, I could be, so...
-I know.
-Yeah, you know, so...
-It'll be awful.
Yeah, you'll be awful.
How you boys doing?
You all right?
-Yeah, so...
-Easy, boys.
-Grindah!
-Grindah!
-Yes! Thanks for coming, man.
-No worries.
-Thanks for helping out.
-No, no, no, none of that.
I got court tomorrow,
so I can't get any paint on me.
-Big day, innit? Of course.
-Yeah.
Ah! Never noticed
that tree before.
Only things you notice when
your freedom's at stake, innit?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Is jail tough?
-Depends who you are, mate.
Not for me,
d'you know what I mean, like?
Fucking jail's jail, innit?
You do your T.
You ride it
and you duck out, like.
-You, uh, packed
your jail bag yet?
-Good point.
Make sure I've got
all the old jail essentials.
Apart from the contraband shit,
of course. There's other
ways of getting that in there.
Grindah said he went to
the hardest prison in England.
-Yeah.
-That's why he got bullied.
I didn't get bullied. They had
to move me to protect
the others.
Yeah, they said he was on
a wing with all the sort
of snitches and paedos.
Why is he constantly
saying that?
-[drum and bass]
-Hold tight, the Hanworth
crew locked in, yeah?
-Heston massive. Isleworth
crew. Were you there?
-Saint, saint.
Just a reminder of the change
of schedule tomorrow.
We're gonna be down at court,
so DJ Steves will be doing
an 8-hour marathon set.
-Trust me!
-Make sure you
lock in for that one.
We'll be leaving you in
the capable hands of Stevie!
Innit, Steves?
Tomorrow, the set?
-Yeah?
-Definitely. Good to go.
-He's knows what
he's fucking doing.
-Grindah.
-Got that.
-What's that?
-It's my little plan.
-Oh, planned and
everything? Good man.
Yeah, I can plan things,
like, when I need to.
Like, if I put my mind
to something, I can
normally...do it.
Once I went to Glastonbury.
Didn't have a ticket.
Spent two days digging
under the fence.
Managed to catch the last
two hours. All for free.
Hold tight, the crew inside,
yeah?
Big up anyone who ain't heard.
I will going down court
tomorrow.
Because dirty Babylon, yeah,
are trying to take me
down yet again.
-D'you know what I mean?
-Bung down Babylon.
Feel free to come down
and smash up the place.
Don't say "smash up the place",
cos they'll trace it back
to me, you freak!
Don't smash up the place,
but just come down with, like,
placards and banners,
and fucking megaphones and all
that, d'you know what I mean,
like? Yeah, should be good.
Good day's work.
-You all right, Craigie?
-Yeah, I'm good.
Hey...nice room you've got here,
mate. Cool posters.
Listen, um...
Uncle Chabsie just wanted
to have a word with you,
if that's all right?
You don't have to be worried
about the baby, okay?
-Kevin loves you
very, very much.
-What?!
Don't be embarrassed, mate.
Hold that baby tight
to your bosom.
Okay? That little baby will
cherish the nourishments
from your bosoms
for a thousand lifetimes.
-Okay?
-Yeah.
Just think about it, mate.
[sighs]
Hey, Craigie.
Cherish it.
Goodnight, mate.
What you doing, man?
Leave the light on!
-A bit of that, yeah, yeah.
-Oi, I can't believe, like,
it's actually happening.
Do you think you will
get sent down?
Ah, you never know with
these things, you know?
Only time will tell.
It does happen, man.
Remember Fat Pete?
The other week, he went down
for a little driving thing.
What do you mean "he went
down for a driving thing"?
You can't just go down for...
-Yeah, he was trying to
dispute it or something.
-That's bollocks.
Decoy, you can't get sent
down just for a little thing?
-Yeah, definitely. Fully.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Fully sent down?
My mate Darren was saying
that if you've got previous,
-apparently you get
a harsher sentence.
-I've had previous!
Yeah.
I don't know what to do, man.
I'm sorry.
-It's all right...
-Look, if you do go down,
we'll look after radio.
You've got nothing
to worry about.
Me and Steves will... Anything
you leave, like, anything.
Fuck off me. I'm not getting
fucking sent down for dropping
a cigarette on the floor.
That would be fucking mental.
Wouldn't it?
-That bit's still out though.
-Yeah, I know.
There's a little bit that's out.
-I just wanna make sure
everything's...
-Yeah, I know. It is. Look.
-Smart? Yeah?
-Yeah.
Thanks.
Not too tight. I'm going to
have the Avirex on over this.
Just don't make it any worse.
Just plead guilty and pay
the £80 original fine.
-That's all you need to do.
-I'm not pleading guilty.
Guilty means automatic prison.
Stop putting things in my head.
I can't concentrate.
You're not gonna go prison.
The less you argue, the less
the fine will be.
-Just think about the wedding.
-Fuck the wedding! This is my
happiness we're talking about.
It's my life!
What do you reckon, boys?
Is that all right?
-See you later.
-Bye.
[drum and bass plays]
[Nan] You're locked into
the sounds of DJ Steves.
Shout out my nan.
Thanks for the care package.
It's given me everything I need
to get through the day.
Coming up over the next
eight hours, we will be
bringing you...
vocal garage, speed garage,
garage, dance-hype garage.
Grime.
Jungle. Dub Boy for Decoy.
Shout Decoy!
Drum and bass.
And some various hardcore
tunes, the only ones
Grindah likes.
[coughs]
Right.
You've got to use what's around.
You've got to be creative.
I could transform this.
I see things right now
you'll never see in
your life. Look at this.
-What do you think that is?
-It's a watering can.
-Is it?
-Yeah.
Yeah? You know what I see?
It's a loud speaker.
Hello.
Very simple
way of thinking you have.
How come you're not
down the courthouse
with the rest of the Grindah
appreciation society?
I like to stay away from
courtrooms, just in general.
They ask too many questions.
"What's your name?" You know.
So I like to keep my head down,
stay off the radar.
Oh! Very nice. Very daring.
[laughs]
-Are you finished upstairs?
-Yeah. I'll crack on.
Got a bit more to do.
I dunno. What do you reckon?
Done up or undone?
-Maybe just not wear it
at all, man.
-But it's a £200 jacket, man!
I'm trying to look
as smart as possible.
Easy. Got you a Maccys
with 20 nuggets
for, like, your last meal.
It's not my last meal!
Stop going on like
I'm going to jail constantly.
Actually, let me have
the chips. I'm feeling
a bit light-headed.
Quick! Quick!
I can't eat, I can't eat.
Take it.
-Good morning.
-Name?
Erm, Tony.
-Er...Zagrofoff.
-What?!
Zagrofoff. There's nothing
wrong with it. It's Greek.
All good?
Could I...have a quick word,
please, mate?
Erm...
Is there any way we could
just call this all off?
I've got 80 quid on me now
and we could just save
everybody's time.
-I can't do that, I'm afraid.
-Yeah...
I get where you're coming from,
but no one has to know, yeah?
Just, literally,
ignore the envelope.
Ah! Can you make your way
to Court 4, please?
-Please, there's 80 quid in
there. You can have that...
-Court 4.
All right, all right,
get off me!
Bang them doors, brother!
Free Grindah!
-Stop saying...
-Bang them doors!
I haven't even got doors yet!
Stop saying that.
[director] How would
you do in jail?
I'd be all right, cos last
time Grindah went jail, right,
I actually learnt
how to plug things.
What do you mean
by "plug things"?
Plugging.
You put things in a condom
and you plug it.
-Oh, what? Up...?
-Yeah, I've got
an N-gauge up there.
-A whole N-gauge?
-Yeah. And a charger.
Are you worried about
Grindah's fine?
Yeah, I really don't want it
to affect the wedding budget.
So I reckon if I could just
sell a few things and
I could make the £80,
we won't have to cut back
on any essentials.
Like I'm really worrying about
the cost of pony rental now.
Nothing like a good bit
of carpentry.
Very holy. Like Jesus, isn't it?
Very good with wood.
[laughs]
This will go on here.
Keep the baby nice and safe.
The other thing
about this cot, yeah?
They can stick this bad boy
out in the garden, yeah?
Nice bit of weather.
Have a lovely barbecue, mate.
Do you want a burger, mate?
[laughs] Get the Pimm-ps, mate!
Let's have a nice glass
of Pimm-ps.
Two in one. Barbecue grill.
Baby's cot.
Just hold that bit.
Baby's cot.
[drum and bass plays]
It's lovely when
it doesn't overflow.
Right.
Locked into the sounds
of DJ Steves.
Taking you through, we've got...
a little bit of grime
coming up for you.
Sorry. No, we've got jungle
coming up for you.
Oh, my God, no fucking way!
No! No!
Fucking hell!
It's gone in my eyes.
It's in my eyes.
I've got piss in my eyes.
Fuck's sake! The list is fucked
and I'm covered in piss.
Should've just gone fucking
toilet. It's only there.
I can't sit around any more.
I've got to be in there, man.
-I'm gonna wait outside, yeah?
-Yeah?
-Sure?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If Grindah goes jail, yeah,
and Kurupt FM dies,
it's not just me or the Kurupt
FM boys that are let down.
But it's the listener
and I think that's what
hurts the most.
Just knowing that there's,
like, tens of hun...
Ten to a hundred listeners
all locked on,
like, just waiting
for their favourite MC.
And he's not there any more.
[Grindah] My head
was all clouded.
Please, can I just, please,
pay the original fine? Look.
-I've got it here.
-Mr Zografoss, please, sit down.
-Can you just take it?
-Mr Zografoss!
-Stop saying
my surname constantly.
-Mr Zagrofoff!
"Mr Zagrofoff".
[Steves] Oh, fuck!
All right, fucking hell.
I don't know what... Ah...
Where's the coke?
I don't know what I'm
supposed to play next.
It's got to be... Fuck off!
No!
This'll do, this'll do!
[sighs]
This will do.
Right, you know what?
Emergency situation calls...
for my little emergency helper.
Acid.
We're gonna be all right.
We're gonna be all right.
Yeah, your brain can get tired,
but you only use
a small percentage
of your brain.
And if you take acid,
for example,
you can actually access
different other bits
of your brain,
bits that aren't as tired.
Steves!
It's like with a plane.
You have, like, another engine.
If one engine fails, then
the other engines will come on,
the spare engines.
If you turn them all on,
fucking hell,
you're flying, mate.
Aah, sorry.
Door open. Follow my voice,
follow my voice.
-Through this, through this.
-No comment, no comment.
All right, you're out.
Everybody, stand back!
-I don't think you're gonna
need that jacket, bruv.
-What?
Where's all the press and shit?
You...
-I dunno. I think the clocks
went back a few weeks ago.
-Oh, is it?
You boys are gonna have to film
this, cos the news crews must
have got it mixed up.
You lot can pick it up,
send it over to 'em.
Pop yourself down there.
Got the court in the background,
yeah? Okay.
-Ready?
-Go.
I would just like to say,
on behalf of myself,
my family and the BBC,
-that justice has been served
in Brentford today.
-Yes.
Hold tight the judge and big
up everyone that's been there
for me in these dark times.
I've escaped jail and
I'm once again a free man.
-Feels good to be out.
-Feels great.
-[both] Amen.
-I'll be making no further
comments on this occasion.
Give my client a bit of space,
please.
-Have you still
got those nuggets?
-No, me and Decoy twosed them.
Ah. I'm free! I beat the case!
I beat it!
Daddy's back.
-So how much was it?
-How much was it?!
Look at her. So selfish.
I nearly went prison.
Obviously, I'm glad you didn't,
but how much?
Well, surprise, surprise.
You get your £80 back.
What? How? That's amazing.
Cos, basically, you've got
to read this instead,
apparently.
Where is it? There you go.
Yeah, some sort of...
I did try asking for a tag
instead, but, um...
Yeah, apparently, they don't
do trades, so... Yeah,
it's just on the next page.
-[sighs]
-What? £700?!
-Why is it so much?
-I don't know.
But you can't really put
a price on freedom, can ya?
If you could, it'd be
more than 700, mate.
It'd be about ten grand, so...
-You're lucky.
-[Miche sighs]
Well, anyway,
it's done now, innit?
-[drum and bass plays]
-It's in here. Where'd it go?
It's in the walls!
I can hear it in the walls!
Uuuh!
Can you hear the scratching?
Maybe it's trying
to communicate.
Tia!
Yeah, that's £2, please.
Hold on a minute.
You're selling peanuts?
You know that's my thing.
Copycat.
You just add a bit of spice
to some normal nuts
-and charge double the price!
-What?
[director]
So how did you find Tia?
Tia was, uh, you know,
she just wandered in.
And I just gave her
a quick interview.
And that was it, you know.
I saw that she had
the same street savvy
entrepreneurship that I have.
Gourmet peanuts, £3. Eh? Eh?
-She wanted to get
into the food game.
-But you don't make food.
We don't make food yet,
but we will,
because she has
a lot of dreams. She's
very ambitious, like I am.
Okay, we need to
sort out the kitchen,
which means I need the metal
bit for the grill.
The metal bit?
What is that not in here?
-Yeah, it's missing.
-What?!
No! No, I haven't seen it.
It was here, wasn't it?
Where's it gone?
Someone must have taken it.
Abdi, Abdi. Abdi must have.
I mean, this is weird
even for him, right?
Who are they meant to be?
She's got tits.
He's got his tongue fallen off
and two teeth in
a gaping mouth.
What is it?
Has he cut my
fucking curtains up?
Look at it! It's fucked!
Is that...?
Is that a fucking grill?
[director] Do you think
you'll get Chabuddy
to do more work for you?
Yes, I'm gonna get Chabuddy
to do more work.
The first thing he's gonna
do is paint over this
fucking monstrosity.
[fades music down]
This is an SOS.
We've reached the day
of reckoning, people.
The Illuminati...
are everywhere.
The symbol of the Illuminati
is the all-seeing eye.
And if you look carefully,
you can see eyes everywhere.
Ugh, fucking hell!
-What the fuck's that playing?
-It stinks of piss, Steves.
-I should've known. Steve mate!
-What's going on, man?
You've had one of your episodes
again. Just... What're
you doing?
Just calm down, mate.
Get away from the decks.
Steves, just get away from...
Ugh! Why are you wet?
You fucking stink as well!
Get off me! Come on, mate.
-You been eight hours?
-Very pungent smell in here.
-You're done, mate. It's over.
-What day is it today?
-Are we finished?
-We're done. You're done.
You're over. All right, mate.
Yeah, well done, Steves, mate.
You done really well.
-I did it!
-You did it, mate, yeah.
Let's get you through...
We need to just get you out
of the room for a sec.
Shall I lock him
in the bathroom?
Yeah, wash his face as well.
Usually calms him down.
-Are you washing my face?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
-Come on.
-[Beats] Yeah, Steves does
struggle with the longer sets.
-I think he gets overwhelmed.
-Yeah, he does.
It's mainly the daytime ones,
cos he ain't really used to it.
I think it just throws up
his body clock a little bit.
-Oh, so it's happened before?
-Yeah. Like, one time he fucking
just burnt his bed down.
Cos he decided he never
wanted to sleep again.
-That's why he sleeps
on the floor now.
-Yeah.
I just want to take this moment
for your listening pleasure.
-That's my intro.
-Fresh out the pen.
Mc Grindah.
Sounds of the...sounds of the...
sounds of the MC Grindah!
Mic check one, two.
Aka the white Mandela.
Aka you can never hold me down.
Aka I'm finally free
from persecution.
Ah, feels great to hear
the sound of my own voice again.
-Shall I run the...?
-Run the rhythm!
Basically, yeah, us and the law
has been an on-going battle
from day dot.
It's almost like a game
that you can't win or lose.
-It just sort of continues.
-Oh, you can lose.
You can go to jail.
Yeah, and if you pay
a massive fine as well.
-I didn't pay the fine,
so I still win.
-Well done, mate.
This is Grindah's favourite
jacket. This is his, like,
signature style.
You could wear this,
you know, from the '30s
to the modern day.
Like, this is a timeless
piece of fashion.
But we need to sell it.
I don't think Grindah's
gonna be happy about it,
but I just think,
deep down, this is actually
what he wants me to do, so that
he can have the most beautiful,
like, perfect wedding day,
the best day of his life.
And we don't have
to tell him straight away.
It's good to have
you back, mate.
-It's good to have me
back too, mate.
-Cheers, mate.
I can't believe I was like
this close to being in
a fucking cell, like.
Some tiny little room just
surrounded by bare little
weird brares and that.
[Grindah] We're free men, yeah?
We will not be ridiculously
subjected to your stupid
little man made-up laws, mate.
Exactly. Subject your law
and stick it up your arse!
-Trust me!
-Fuck the system!
Fuck the system!
Fuck the police, yeah?
-Exactly.
-Trust me.
-Actually, I might...
-Yeah, you should
probably get that.