People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
[siren wails in the distance]
[drum and bass music fades in]
[MC Grindah] And you're
locked into the sound
of the legendary...
[DJ Beats] Kurupt FM!
Hold tight, the phone-line
crew inside, yeah.
Phone-line number to get you
through is 07050030, 108.9.
[DJ Beats] Why are Kurupt FM
so big in the area?
That's because we're killing it.
And if you kill it,
you get the respect of others.
You're now listening to the
best MC in the galaxy right now.
[DJ Beats] You don't see Richard
Branstone sitting there, like,
"I think I might start a plane
company." He went and done it.
He started off
with the pickle jars.
Bang, to the plane company.
Inside with
the bass-line pressure.
-DJ Fantasy rolling through.
-And we are the next Branstones.
Exactly. Kurupt FM,
the brand - I Am Kurupt.
And then we're going to have
I Am Kurupt trains,
-I Am Kurupt planes.
-No, you don't have to do
exactly what he done.
Out to the Brentford man,
out to Alfie Danger,
out to Albatross.
Out to Wilfie D.
[Chabuddy] These guys are the
best kept secret in Brentford.
-It's not a secret.
People still know about us.
-Yeah, not enough people.
-We have a TV crew.
-We're in our prime right now.
-We're young.
-We're good looking.
Make sure you're locked in
this time tomorrow as well,
cos we're gonna be playing
the most anticipated
track of 2016.
Exactly! New Kurupt slammer,
instant classic on the streets
will be coming straight outta
studio tomorrow, like.
Yeah, cos we're going studio!
[DJ Beats] There's two types
of studio, actually.
-Radio studio and
there's music studio.
-Yeah, exactly.
-Studio!
-It's down there, yeah.
-Studio! Studio!
-Studio!
[DJ Beats] Yeah, also
"going studio", it sounds good.
Press the buzzer, mate.
I can't get my hands dirty.
I'm about to MC.
You know what I mean?
When someone calls you
or, like, your girl,
-"What you doing today?"
-"Studio!"
Hello, mate.
No, no need for that.
MC Grindah, CEO of Kurupt FM.
-Oh! What?
-Mate!
-We're back!
-We're back. Beats
and Grindah are back at it!
-And Beats.
-That's what I said,
"Beats and Grindah."
-Yeah, sorry.
-Oh, sick! A chair.
I love chairs.
-That is a great chair.
It looks pretty good on you.
-Thank you.
Steves, stop touching things.
Get back on me.
Let me know if you need
anything. You'll be done
in an hour, you think?
-You can't rush
these things, mate.
-Music is an art form, mate.
-It takes as long as it takes.
-Oh, right. Your manager
has only booked an hour.
It's not gonna take an hour,
is it? It's a four-minute
track, mate.
-He ain't got a clue, has he?
-Do you want me to talk
you through the equipment?
-Yeah, that'd be cool.
- Nah, we're good, mate. We
know exactly what we're doing.
-Are you sure?
-I'm sure. It's none of your
little rock 'n' roll bollocks.
It's real music. You wouldn't
have a clue about it.
Pop yourself off.
Come on, real men don't read
instruction manuals, mate.
-[laughter]
-Decoy, you know what
you're doing though, right?
-Turn it all on, Decoy.
-It's all wires.
Take a look at this. Look.
Ah, they're all moving!
-That's real technology, mate.
-See that. They all
move at once.
-Push me in the chair.
-Where is it?
Spin him around!
Spin him around!
No, don't, cos I'll fall off.
Ah, see, I've fell off now.
[tinny music plays, panting]
One, two...
[director] Do you wish
you were at the studio?
The thing is, I'm busy tonight.
I've actually got a date.
So I'm getting ready for that,
mentally, spiritually and,
obviously, physically.
Obviously, when you hear
the name Chabuddy G,
certain emotions come
to your mind, you know?
What do you think?
Sex symbol, that's a taken, but
if you go further into that...
Chabuddy G, style icon.
This is not by accident.
People ask, "What does the G
stand for?" I tell them.
Gucci, girls, girth.
Hi, Chabuddy G.
Smouldering. I mean,
what woman can resist that?
I look a bit Japanese
when I do that, innit?
Arigato! [laughs]
Isn't it?
These rather beautiful gardens
were the inspiration.
-Oh, my God!
-And this is the house.
-Speaks for itself, doesn't it?
-It does. It says, "'Ello.
'Ello, Miche."
Oh, let's go!
Let's get up there!
-This is your bride!
-Oh, yes!
I'll be like this at the top.
I'll like jump out from here
and I'll just walk down,
get some photos.
[Miche] So Grindah's
let me handle all the
decisions for the wedding.
-It's actually really
romantic of him, you know?
-Yeah.
Behind us is our wedding wall
that we've been working on.
-So just like a big collage
of our big day.
-A little bit terrifying.
-[they laugh]
-It's like a horror film.
-Like there's something
wrong with you.
-[they laugh]
-He's saying that cos...
-"Stop putting so much on
there!" And she puts more!
It's partly just to remind us
both that we are getting
married.
-I can't forget with that
in the background, can I?
-I know.
-Loving this though.
I just love all the white.
-Me too.
-Yeah.
-What's your policy on ponies?
Ponies? Um, well, I'd have
to check on that for you.
-Yeah, course.
-It is a protected building.
Protected? Oh, that's great,
cos we'll need some security
on the day.
My fiancé's actually famous,
so it's ideal.
[Decoy] What do you reckon
of this, boys?
[drumbeat plays]
-[whispers] What you thinking?
-Mmm?
-Turn it up.
-Turn it up. Yeah, that
was what I was thinking too.
-Yeah, yeah, that's really
much better, innit?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Do you think it's better?
-I think it's better, yeah.
Still quite repetitive,
to be honest. It does need
something more.
What about something
from next door?
Yeah, come on.
I'll have a look with you.
-[plays bass note]
-That's quite good,
innit? Decoy?
My role in studio
is kind of the, um, like,
the provider of...
the inspiration.
I'm like a muse.
Yeah, I'm an ideas man.
-[glass shatters]
-Oh, for...
Actually, that sounded
quite sick. Do that again.
When the mic's on, Steve.
-You ready, Decoy?
-Mm.
-[glass shatters]
-Oi! That's the one.
-That felt good, yeah.
-I dunno, man.
I still reckon
I could do better.
-[glass shatters]
-Perfect! That'll do.
Can I show you something
really special?
Now this is where the actual
ceremony would take place.
-Fuck off!
-Fucking hell, Miche,
look at that!
-That is well posh.
-And the dome, as you can see,
the very famous dome.
-Fucking love the dome. Mental!
-Yeah.
It looks a bit
like Dad, don't it?
-Yeah. Poor sod.
-Yeah.
Ooh, while I think of it,
could you do thrones as well?
Thrones? Yes,
that'd be a nice touch.
I'm sure we could come up
with a price to accommodate
thrones for you.
Ah, thank you. We'll definitely
be taking the pillars,
so that's great.
-Six, we'll have six.
-Well, they are
a permanent fixture.
So listen, darlin', what price
are we looking at here?
Well, with everything
we've discussed this morning,
I'd say we're looking in
the region of 15,000 to 19,000.
-We'd better jog on, Miche.
-No, I mean, that's the...
the mid to top range that
I had in mind in my range
sort of thoughts, so...
Is that something we'd have
to pay all at once or could
we do it on credit?
You know, like when
you buy a new sofa?
Listen, um, we'll
get back to you, yeah?
-[glass shatters on track]
-Oh, sick, there's free Wi-Fi!
Type in "Tupac
still alive in Cuba".
No, no, not all that
weird Steve shit.
-Boys, we need to finish
this track, yeah...
-Shh!
Decoy, you've got
no clue sometimes.
Inspiration is a very important
part of the creative process.
What about "Jean-Claude
Van Damme fight sequences
all in one montage"?
Perfect.
Ooh, move it here a bit.
Oh, I love bad guys
with scars.
Look! He punches him.
[Beats laughs]
I can't believe he's French.
-You would have thought
he was English or American.
-He seems normal, don't he?
Oh, yeah! [sniffs]
Oof! Very pungent, you know?
A few stains and that.
It's fine. It adds character.
So, uh...
Aah! I'm actually really
excited about the date tonight.
I think, uh, I think
it could go really well.
So... Yeah.
Let's just hope she doesn't
break my heart and steal
all my stuff again.
[false laugh]
-What d'you think?
-Oh, look at it. Yeah, lovely.
-I like the windows.
-Ah, here we go!
-Oh, have a word!
-World class! That's us.
-Look at this.
-I like it.
-This is out of this world!
-I really like them.
They've got pillars,
light-up pillars with bubbles.
-Bish, bash, bosh!
-I love the Buddha.
Proper spiritual that.
[director] What's important
from a wedding venue?
Got be a big size, got to
have a dance floor in there.
One of the big things
that's important for me is,
what d'you call it? Ambi...
-Ambiu..
-Ambulant.
-Ambion.
-Don't, you got me at it now.
-Like, the vibe.
-The vibe.
Oh, look, they've got
an air-conditioning unit.
Yeah, we have fully functioning
air conditioning.
-They didn't have that
in the last place.
-No, it didn't actually.
-Oh! And you have a buffet.
-Oh?
So I presume they'll be food
in here on the day?
[laughs]
Yeah.
[director] So are you
going to take his surname?
I've been thinking hard about
whether to change my name.
But I am definitely going to
be becoming Mrs Zagros...
Zagrofoss?
-Zagrofoss?
-Zagrafoff.
-It's a strong Greek name.
-Mr and Mrs Zagrofoss.
-Foff.
-Foff. Zagrofoff.
-Zagrofoff?
-Yeah, it's just
how my family say it.
How do other families say it?
Dunno, I've never met
another Zagrofoff.
Yeah, I really like it. What
d'you think about the ponies
going down the middle there?
Yes! There will be three
or four ponies.
-Two probably.
-Ponies?
Yeah, we're not going
to be able to do that,
because it's a restaurant
and the premises...
-We're not gonna eat 'em.
-No, I didn't...
I didn't think you
were going to eat them.
-[drum beat plays]
-Okay, yeah, listening.
♪ Said I'm kicking man
like Van Damme ♪
♪ Who's on the mic
with a rough slang ♪
Aah, no.
It's all right, but...
-You want it a bit more...?
-Yeah, a bit tougher.
-Okay. All right.
-You're doing well though, mate.
Cheers, mate.
-♪ Said I'm kicking man
like Van Damme ♪
-No, no, no, no!
That wasn't it.
Really doing well, but...
If we could just try it again
in a different way, like.
-I need to speed this up.
-Man, shut up.
♪ Said I'm kicking man
like Van Damme ♪
♪ Who's on the mic
with a rough slang ♪
♪ Kick to the cheek
just like I'm Jet Li ♪
♪ And a triple backflip
off a jet ski ♪
-That's it! Done it.
-Sweet.
-Smashed it, bruv. Come through.
-Am I done?
-Yeah.
-Sick.
-Is that all right, yeah?
-Yeah. Done really well, mate.
-Wicked.
-Yeah, killed it.
I've got to go hospital
now, so...
All right, mate. Good luck
with it all. I'm still hoping
it's a false alarm, so...
Yeah. I'll let you know
how it goes.
All right, mate. Nice one.
Cool, mate.
-See you fannies in a bit, yeah?
-Keep it Kurupt, yeah?
Always do, mate.
-Play it back.
-[drumbeat plays]
So does it have to be
on a Saturday because...
-Yeah. It's a wedding.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, okay...
-When did you get married?
-Well...
-On a Tuesday?
The only reason I say that
is because we've got
an 18-month waiting list
-if you want to do it
on a Saturday.
-18 months?!
We'll have to have it at
the working men's club. I get
a special discount for weddings,
-cos I had my last two there.
-I'm not having it there.
They haven't got pink
lighting or Buddhas.
It's not the same.
So do you want me to pop you
down on the waiting list then?
I'll have to check with my
fiancé, won't I? He might not
be up for waiting that long.
I said I'm in a studio.
I'm in a studio. I can't
talk now. Oh, signal.
[director] So are you excited
about the wedding, Grindah?
Uh, yeah. Like, obviously,
if she's happy, I'm happy.
Everyone keeps going, "Oh,
you was fucked out of your head
when you proposed to her."
But I wasn't even that fucked.
And anyway, they say when you're
fucked that's when the truth
comes out, so...
I reckon it's what
I wanted deep down.
-Probably.
-Aah!
-Hello.
-Sorry, babes.
I had no signal,
cos I'm at studio.
Yeah, studio, yeah.
What you saying?
I found an amazing venue.
Like you'll absolutely love it.
-But there's an 18-month
waiting list.
-Oh, really?
-Seems mental to wait that
long but it is the dream.
-Although...
-I'd say we should
just wait it out.
-You sure?
You said it's
your dream place.
I think that's it's probably
my dream place as well.
-Yeah, you would
absolutely love it.
-So it's probably best to wait.
-All right, bye.
-All right, in a bit.
Oh...
That's a shame, innit?
-Do you believe in marriage?
-To be honest...
I'm married to the music,
do you know what I mean?
It's more for her, innit?
It's like a prestige thing.
"I've married one of the
top MC's in the game,"
which I get.
It don't really mean
nothing to me.
-Hello, mate.
-All right.
You've got five minutes.
What do you mean five minutes?
I haven't done my lyrics yet.
But you've only paid
for an hour, so...
Yeah, but come on,
it's your place, so...
-Give us some extra time. Make
you part of musical history.
-No.
I wouldn't know anything
about real music, would I?
You've got five minutes.
-Ooh! I've got five minutes!
-You've got four minutes now.
I'm gonna do it in three minutes
then and I'll expect a minute's
money back then!
Decoy! We've got
four minutes left.
Soon as I get in there,
start recording.
Just one second, yeah?
Mate, you know we're not going
to do this in four minutes.
D'you know what? Fuck this!
Little prick thinks
he can tighten me, yeah?
I'm locking us in!
Steve, blockade the door.
-We're blockading the door?
-Yes, mate.
Decoy, we're
blockading the door.
Get a piano. Block it properly.
-What the Clavinova or the P80?
-Just get any of them.
Grab anything you can get.
Get some more shit.
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Leads. Do you reckon
I should lock it as well?
Yeah, do that as well.
As soon as I lock myself
in there, you start doing that.
Oh, mate, this takes me back.
Me old squat party days.
-All right, Decoy?
-Yeah.
-It's my time.
-All right.
[drumbeat plays]
[siren wails in the distance]
Hello.
-Hi, sorry I'm late.
-Where have you been?
[sighs] Studio.
I've got a very, very
special announcement to make.
Me and Roche are pregnant.
Well, her mainly, but I was
there when it happened.
Yeah. It's amazing, actually,
cos it's our first baby
together.
Hello, mate.
I wasn't there when
she made Craig, but...
apparently,
it was a great night.
[director] Was it a great night
with this one as well?
Well, actually, to be honest,
it wasn't one of them
special nights.
It was more just four strokes
and done type thing.
-Is that your date of birth?
-Yes.
You're officially a cougar.
-[she laughs]
-Yeah.
-I quite like that.
-Yeah, I did some research
on the internet.
-Craig showed me this thing.
-I don't want to know
about that...
It's got a weird name. It sounds
like a hamster but it's not.
[director] What are you doing?
I'm actually applying
my own face mask.
It's my own blend of yoghurt,
avocado and chilli,
which, you know, waters
the eyes, makes them water,
and also cleans them out.
It also gives a red rouge
effect to the skin.
So...very smouldering.
[musical ringtone]
Hi, Chabuddy G.
Yeah, manager of Kurupt FM.
[director] So is Chabuddy
your manager?
-Yes.
-Well, technically...
he said he'd pay for studio
if he could be our manager,
so we just said yeah.
-So he is your manager?
-Yeah, he's our manager
if you say so, mate.
Well, I mean, we all say so.
It's been said.
Oh, they want me to come
down to the studio?
Oh, right.
No, no, no.
No police! No police, no!
Okay, please! Don't call police,
don't call police.
I'm coming down now.
Fucking panic jobs, man!
Okay, get the wet wipes.
Fucking...
Oh, the chilli in my eye.
Bastard! Aw!
Aah!
I can't see anything.
-[banging]
-That's fucking ridicu...
What, you think
you can lock me out?
[Steves] Grindah, I can see him.
He's getting in, bruv!
He must have a spare key.
He's through the first
barricade.
[Grindah raps]
This is it! Come out!
You ain't getting in, bruv!
-What are you doing?
-You're not getting in today,
rude boy!
-Mate, you're dealing
with a seasoned pro!
-You fucking idiots!
-Get out now!
-I'm doing my lyric.
I will win! Ha-ha!
Get out now! Fucking moron.
[Grindah raps]
-Get out of the booth!
-Oi, listen!
You're interrupting my flow.
Get off me! You're jealous
of my lyrics!
Listen, listen,
he's gonna call the police.
It's just lyrics, mate.
I did, I asked normally.
-What's the damage?
-Look at the damage, you idiot!
That was like that
before we got here.
-Are you fucking mad?
-They told me there was
broken glass there.
-[beeping]
-There's your little
girl's arm. You see it?
-[both] Yeah.
-And there's the other one.
[Beats] Wow! That is mad.
-I didn't realise it would
have arms this early on.
-What?
Looks a bit like a wasp.
It doesn't look like a wasp.
It looks like a baby.
[director] What are your
hopes and dreams for the baby?
I just want it to have teeth
and fingers and that first.
Well, it won't have teeth
straight away.
But don't get freaked out
about that.
-It'll have teeth later.
-Okay.
-So how does it eat?
-It just drinks to start with.
It drinks milk.
And then you mush
all its food up.
Yeah, cos that's what
Robocop eats.
Yep. It's gonna be like Robocop.
Call the police!
Call the police!
No, don't call the police!
Just... Fuck, shut up!
Don't call the police!
-What about them ones?
-Just get out!
That's six grand right there.
Just take that. Take it!
Take my watch!
-I don't want your watch.
-Take it! Take it!
Mate, you're trying
to hustle a hustler.
-I'm not hustling anyone.
-I'm gonna hustle you
right now, yeah?
-Mate, you've just brought a
bunch of morons into my studio.
-They are artists, artistes.
-Morons, mate, morons.
-Creative artists!
-Shut up and get out.
-How much is there?
-I'm counting, okay?
-Our manager to the rescue.
-It's what they're here for.
-So I'm definitely
your manager then?
Yeah. Just keep paying him!
Keep paying the man.
-Manager!
-Just come on, keep paying.
All right, mate.
Grindah.
-I stole a cable.
-Ah-hooo!
They ain't gonna be
seeing that again.
So, listen, boys, the track went
well, yeah? Can I have a listen?
-No, it ain't even finished yet.
-You can do it all on a laptop.
Dec'll finish it off.
What, you can do
it on your laptop?
Yeah, you don't need
any of that bollocks.
Well, why did I pay
all that money?
You said you'd pay for it,
plus it's a good day out, innit?
-A little blaze, go to studio.
Sounds good, don't it?
-It's a laugh, innit?
Catch! Catch! Catch!
Ooh-woooh!
'Ere are then.
Let's have a little toast.
To the...
-venue and the bride.
-Cheers!
And the mother of the bride
as well. That's you.
Yeah, I know! Beautiful.
I'm going to move along
on my wedding timeline
-to dress shopping.
-Oh, yeah! Nice!
-Exciting.
-That's that dress
I was talking about.
Have a look.
Look, Mick loved it.
Aaw! Bless him!
Mikos was so sweet.
Weren't he just?
Not sure on the dress though.
-It hasn't got that regal vibe
that I was after.
-Really?!
-I'll keep it in mind though
in case I get really desperate.
-Love that.
Ho-ho! There she is.
She looks just like her
profile picture.
I bloody don't.
Hey, jump in, baby!
[laughs]
-Sorry...
-Yes, I'm just joking.
Let me just park up.
Sorry, one second.
Ladies love the van.
It's very roomy, very spacious.
So put the seats down...
we can have a bloody,
you know, bloody sauna.
Champagne Steam Rooms in there,
mate. You know what I mean?
But you haven't had
any ladies in there yet?
No ladies in at the moment.
But once I do, it's gonna be
like that scene from Titanic,
you know, when she puts her
hand. Bloody be like that, mate.
-Hi, Lisa, right?
-Yeah.
Sorry, I was a bit busy.
I was back at the studio
with some artists that
I'm managing at the moment.
-Hi. Chabuddy.
-Oh... Sounds exciting.
Not really. They're bloody
bankrupting me, the bastards!
[she laughs and coughs]
Chabuddy G's an
entrepreneed, yeah?
So I've decided to transform
my club, the Champagne
Steam Rooms,
into a classy, elegant cocktail
bar, the Champagne Steam Bar.
Think about it. If I've got
my own cocktail bar,
the ladies will come to me,
mate, you know what I mean?
I've created the honey pot
and now all the bees are coming
for a taste
of the sweet nectar, yeah?
Build it and they will come,
literally.
[drum and bass plays]
You should have put a flash on,
cos it's well dark.
Yeah, it wouldn't fit up there.
"Ooh, look at me!
I'm having a baby."
Everyone has a baby.
It's no big deal.
Decoy, what's the track saying?
I actually had a sick idea
at the hospital.
-I had a brain wave.
-About what?
-About the track.
-Well, finally! Fucking hell.
What is it?
Okay, I tell you what,
I'm going to go for
a Sex On The Beach au bar.
-Okay.
-And, uh...
-Can I have a...
-I'll order for you.
I know what you want.
Get her a Peanutini.
It's actually, uh,
one that I designed myself.
It's like a martini but with
peanut dust around the rim.
So...crusty rim.
Do I believe in love?
Does it exist? We don't know.
It's like oxygen. We can't
see it, but it's there.
Is it a feeling, you know?
Is it a sensation?
Is it a vibe? We don't know.
-Oh, yeah.
-Can I have your cherry?
Oh! [chuckles]
-Please take my cherry.
-Thanks. Get the taste
out of my mouth.
Please be gentle.
It's my first time.
-[she laughs]
-No, I'm not a virgin, though.
Had loads of sex.
What do you think about,
like, walking down the aisle?
Ask Mick to walk you
down the aisle.
-Really?
-Yeah, why not?
It sort of makes sense, cos,
obviously, legally he is my dad.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Oh!
-Exactly.
-Never thought of it like that.
Technically, I'm older than him,
but that doesn't matter,
does it?
-[ringtone]
-It's probably Grindah
worrying about the wedding.
-What's that plum want now?
-Oh. He just says, "Listen
Kurupt, new track now."
Thank God he let us know,
otherwise you might
have missed it(!)
-Who's ready? Who's ready?
-I'm ready.
-Who's ready?
-I'm ready!
Ladies, open up up your ears.
Mandem too.
We are about to drop
the new instant classic.
-Decoy, run that!
-Run the rhythm!
Play it, Decoy. Shh!
-♪ Raw, there's a dead MC
on the floor ♪
-Sample.
-♪ Who is that
standing above him? ♪
-[beeping]
Can you lot hear
the hospital sounds?
No, no, this bit's me as well.
♪ I think it might be
MC Grindah ♪
-The heart monitor.
-This is my bit.
-[mouths]
-MC Grindah!
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw leaving every MC
down on the floor ♪
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw leaving every MC
down on the floor ♪
♪ Bang, bang, bang, it's an
emergency! Beats and Grindah ♪
-[rap plays on radio]
-I tell you what, this is shit.
You might be a little
jealous sometimes.
-Yeah, maybe.
-You're a good singer, too.
I've heard you at karaoke.
♪ I'm kicking man like
Van Damme who's at the mic
with the rough slang? ♪
♪ Flying kicks I learned
from Jet Li with a triple
backflip off a jet ski ♪
♪ Word to the technical
ninjas here, lyrical karate
mixed with kung-fu! ♪
♪ What you gonna say now,
what you gonna do when Beats and
Grindah are coming for you? ♪
♪ We're bandaged up with
the victim in close, leaving
every MC up on their arse ♪
♪ Lyrical dragon fight,
so damn fast, leave your head
spinning for more of my bars! ♪
♪ Beats and Grindah up on
the track, guess you could
call that double impact ♪
♪ Why are we so lyrically big?
Cos we've been training,
punching a tree for a week ♪
[track reloads]
Yeah, I invented that.
Mid-point reload it's called.
It's a great little reference
to the garage sound.
Also it saves the DJ
from having to reload it.
Plus we didn't have much
time to finish it from studio,
so it's only a minute and a half
long. So now it's three minutes.
-So tightly wrapped track.
-Hear the hospital sound though?
-[beeping]
-Yeah, that's quite good.
But also my lyrics are sick.
And then you hear it again,
the whole track again.
MC Grindah!
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪
♪ Bang! Lyrical
blow to the jaw... ♪
He's started from
the beginning again?
-Yeah.
-He's just repeating himself.
Cannie!
Go on, son, celebrate, innit?
♪ Dial 999, it's an emergency!
Beats and Grindah... ♪
Ooh! Look at that. Even
the beer's getting excited!
You just witnessed musical
history, do you know what
I mean, like?
That is a beautiful little drop.
You light it for me, mate.
I've done enough work.
-[they laugh]
-Oh!
Then she ended up bloody
taking all my stuff,
robbing me clean, breaking
my heart and bloody pissing off.
[he laughs]
-There you go, guys.
-Oh, thank you, dear.
No, no, please, allow me.
I have a calculator on my phone.
You had two cocktails.
You had the olives as well,
didn't you? So add that.
-There's a service charge.
-Sorry, isn't this your place?
-Yeah.
-Can't you just...?
I mean, I won't have to pay
my half. You just pay
yours, isn't it?
-£15.
-Seriously?
I'm running
a business here, baby.
It's not including service
charge as well, so leave
a little tip as well.
Ah, thank you.
The best advice I'd give to
people who are seeking love...
ladies like power,
wealth, status.
Can we go?
-You wanna get out of here?
-Sure.
I mean, I'm the most, uh,
the most official bachelor
in Hounslow at the moment
and, uh...
you know, I'm a great catch.
Ladies, come on! You know?
Their loss.
-Call me.
-Yeah(!)
See you, guys.
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪
-♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! ♪
-Bang!
This one's gonna be your
inheritance, mate. This
one's you, bubba, trust me.
Mm, that bit.
Is Daddy good in it?
♪ It's an emergency.
Beats and Grindah... ♪
-Oh, my God!
It's the wedding venue.
-Tell 'em you'll call back.
-This is the best bit!
-Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.
It's the venue
from yesterday.
Tell them I'm fuming at them
making us wait 18 months.
God, yeah, that's
brilliant news. Amazing.
Just hang on a second. They're
saying they've got a space
in five months.
You know, at your favourite
venue? The one you wanted
to hold out for?
-Yeah.
-Okay. So when can I come in?
Tell them that's good, but...
Tell 'em we've got options.
Okay. Well, throw in the bespoke
food and we will take it.
-Don't say take it!
-Okay, brilliant!
-I haven't checked my calendar.
-Thank you so much!
Miche, I haven't checked
my calendar.
-Aw, thank you.
-Still got to have...
Oh, my God! We're getting
bloody married!
-Ah...
-We're gonna get bloody married.
Yeah.
[drum and bass music fades in]
[MC Grindah] And you're
locked into the sound
of the legendary...
[DJ Beats] Kurupt FM!
Hold tight, the phone-line
crew inside, yeah.
Phone-line number to get you
through is 07050030, 108.9.
[DJ Beats] Why are Kurupt FM
so big in the area?
That's because we're killing it.
And if you kill it,
you get the respect of others.
You're now listening to the
best MC in the galaxy right now.
[DJ Beats] You don't see Richard
Branstone sitting there, like,
"I think I might start a plane
company." He went and done it.
He started off
with the pickle jars.
Bang, to the plane company.
Inside with
the bass-line pressure.
-DJ Fantasy rolling through.
-And we are the next Branstones.
Exactly. Kurupt FM,
the brand - I Am Kurupt.
And then we're going to have
I Am Kurupt trains,
-I Am Kurupt planes.
-No, you don't have to do
exactly what he done.
Out to the Brentford man,
out to Alfie Danger,
out to Albatross.
Out to Wilfie D.
[Chabuddy] These guys are the
best kept secret in Brentford.
-It's not a secret.
People still know about us.
-Yeah, not enough people.
-We have a TV crew.
-We're in our prime right now.
-We're young.
-We're good looking.
Make sure you're locked in
this time tomorrow as well,
cos we're gonna be playing
the most anticipated
track of 2016.
Exactly! New Kurupt slammer,
instant classic on the streets
will be coming straight outta
studio tomorrow, like.
Yeah, cos we're going studio!
[DJ Beats] There's two types
of studio, actually.
-Radio studio and
there's music studio.
-Yeah, exactly.
-Studio!
-It's down there, yeah.
-Studio! Studio!
-Studio!
[DJ Beats] Yeah, also
"going studio", it sounds good.
Press the buzzer, mate.
I can't get my hands dirty.
I'm about to MC.
You know what I mean?
When someone calls you
or, like, your girl,
-"What you doing today?"
-"Studio!"
Hello, mate.
No, no need for that.
MC Grindah, CEO of Kurupt FM.
-Oh! What?
-Mate!
-We're back!
-We're back. Beats
and Grindah are back at it!
-And Beats.
-That's what I said,
"Beats and Grindah."
-Yeah, sorry.
-Oh, sick! A chair.
I love chairs.
-That is a great chair.
It looks pretty good on you.
-Thank you.
Steves, stop touching things.
Get back on me.
Let me know if you need
anything. You'll be done
in an hour, you think?
-You can't rush
these things, mate.
-Music is an art form, mate.
-It takes as long as it takes.
-Oh, right. Your manager
has only booked an hour.
It's not gonna take an hour,
is it? It's a four-minute
track, mate.
-He ain't got a clue, has he?
-Do you want me to talk
you through the equipment?
-Yeah, that'd be cool.
- Nah, we're good, mate. We
know exactly what we're doing.
-Are you sure?
-I'm sure. It's none of your
little rock 'n' roll bollocks.
It's real music. You wouldn't
have a clue about it.
Pop yourself off.
Come on, real men don't read
instruction manuals, mate.
-[laughter]
-Decoy, you know what
you're doing though, right?
-Turn it all on, Decoy.
-It's all wires.
Take a look at this. Look.
Ah, they're all moving!
-That's real technology, mate.
-See that. They all
move at once.
-Push me in the chair.
-Where is it?
Spin him around!
Spin him around!
No, don't, cos I'll fall off.
Ah, see, I've fell off now.
[tinny music plays, panting]
One, two...
[director] Do you wish
you were at the studio?
The thing is, I'm busy tonight.
I've actually got a date.
So I'm getting ready for that,
mentally, spiritually and,
obviously, physically.
Obviously, when you hear
the name Chabuddy G,
certain emotions come
to your mind, you know?
What do you think?
Sex symbol, that's a taken, but
if you go further into that...
Chabuddy G, style icon.
This is not by accident.
People ask, "What does the G
stand for?" I tell them.
Gucci, girls, girth.
Hi, Chabuddy G.
Smouldering. I mean,
what woman can resist that?
I look a bit Japanese
when I do that, innit?
Arigato! [laughs]
Isn't it?
These rather beautiful gardens
were the inspiration.
-Oh, my God!
-And this is the house.
-Speaks for itself, doesn't it?
-It does. It says, "'Ello.
'Ello, Miche."
Oh, let's go!
Let's get up there!
-This is your bride!
-Oh, yes!
I'll be like this at the top.
I'll like jump out from here
and I'll just walk down,
get some photos.
[Miche] So Grindah's
let me handle all the
decisions for the wedding.
-It's actually really
romantic of him, you know?
-Yeah.
Behind us is our wedding wall
that we've been working on.
-So just like a big collage
of our big day.
-A little bit terrifying.
-[they laugh]
-It's like a horror film.
-Like there's something
wrong with you.
-[they laugh]
-He's saying that cos...
-"Stop putting so much on
there!" And she puts more!
It's partly just to remind us
both that we are getting
married.
-I can't forget with that
in the background, can I?
-I know.
-Loving this though.
I just love all the white.
-Me too.
-Yeah.
-What's your policy on ponies?
Ponies? Um, well, I'd have
to check on that for you.
-Yeah, course.
-It is a protected building.
Protected? Oh, that's great,
cos we'll need some security
on the day.
My fiancé's actually famous,
so it's ideal.
[Decoy] What do you reckon
of this, boys?
[drumbeat plays]
-[whispers] What you thinking?
-Mmm?
-Turn it up.
-Turn it up. Yeah, that
was what I was thinking too.
-Yeah, yeah, that's really
much better, innit?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Do you think it's better?
-I think it's better, yeah.
Still quite repetitive,
to be honest. It does need
something more.
What about something
from next door?
Yeah, come on.
I'll have a look with you.
-[plays bass note]
-That's quite good,
innit? Decoy?
My role in studio
is kind of the, um, like,
the provider of...
the inspiration.
I'm like a muse.
Yeah, I'm an ideas man.
-[glass shatters]
-Oh, for...
Actually, that sounded
quite sick. Do that again.
When the mic's on, Steve.
-You ready, Decoy?
-Mm.
-[glass shatters]
-Oi! That's the one.
-That felt good, yeah.
-I dunno, man.
I still reckon
I could do better.
-[glass shatters]
-Perfect! That'll do.
Can I show you something
really special?
Now this is where the actual
ceremony would take place.
-Fuck off!
-Fucking hell, Miche,
look at that!
-That is well posh.
-And the dome, as you can see,
the very famous dome.
-Fucking love the dome. Mental!
-Yeah.
It looks a bit
like Dad, don't it?
-Yeah. Poor sod.
-Yeah.
Ooh, while I think of it,
could you do thrones as well?
Thrones? Yes,
that'd be a nice touch.
I'm sure we could come up
with a price to accommodate
thrones for you.
Ah, thank you. We'll definitely
be taking the pillars,
so that's great.
-Six, we'll have six.
-Well, they are
a permanent fixture.
So listen, darlin', what price
are we looking at here?
Well, with everything
we've discussed this morning,
I'd say we're looking in
the region of 15,000 to 19,000.
-We'd better jog on, Miche.
-No, I mean, that's the...
the mid to top range that
I had in mind in my range
sort of thoughts, so...
Is that something we'd have
to pay all at once or could
we do it on credit?
You know, like when
you buy a new sofa?
Listen, um, we'll
get back to you, yeah?
-[glass shatters on track]
-Oh, sick, there's free Wi-Fi!
Type in "Tupac
still alive in Cuba".
No, no, not all that
weird Steve shit.
-Boys, we need to finish
this track, yeah...
-Shh!
Decoy, you've got
no clue sometimes.
Inspiration is a very important
part of the creative process.
What about "Jean-Claude
Van Damme fight sequences
all in one montage"?
Perfect.
Ooh, move it here a bit.
Oh, I love bad guys
with scars.
Look! He punches him.
[Beats laughs]
I can't believe he's French.
-You would have thought
he was English or American.
-He seems normal, don't he?
Oh, yeah! [sniffs]
Oof! Very pungent, you know?
A few stains and that.
It's fine. It adds character.
So, uh...
Aah! I'm actually really
excited about the date tonight.
I think, uh, I think
it could go really well.
So... Yeah.
Let's just hope she doesn't
break my heart and steal
all my stuff again.
[false laugh]
-What d'you think?
-Oh, look at it. Yeah, lovely.
-I like the windows.
-Ah, here we go!
-Oh, have a word!
-World class! That's us.
-Look at this.
-I like it.
-This is out of this world!
-I really like them.
They've got pillars,
light-up pillars with bubbles.
-Bish, bash, bosh!
-I love the Buddha.
Proper spiritual that.
[director] What's important
from a wedding venue?
Got be a big size, got to
have a dance floor in there.
One of the big things
that's important for me is,
what d'you call it? Ambi...
-Ambiu..
-Ambulant.
-Ambion.
-Don't, you got me at it now.
-Like, the vibe.
-The vibe.
Oh, look, they've got
an air-conditioning unit.
Yeah, we have fully functioning
air conditioning.
-They didn't have that
in the last place.
-No, it didn't actually.
-Oh! And you have a buffet.
-Oh?
So I presume they'll be food
in here on the day?
[laughs]
Yeah.
[director] So are you
going to take his surname?
I've been thinking hard about
whether to change my name.
But I am definitely going to
be becoming Mrs Zagros...
Zagrofoss?
-Zagrofoss?
-Zagrafoff.
-It's a strong Greek name.
-Mr and Mrs Zagrofoss.
-Foff.
-Foff. Zagrofoff.
-Zagrofoff?
-Yeah, it's just
how my family say it.
How do other families say it?
Dunno, I've never met
another Zagrofoff.
Yeah, I really like it. What
d'you think about the ponies
going down the middle there?
Yes! There will be three
or four ponies.
-Two probably.
-Ponies?
Yeah, we're not going
to be able to do that,
because it's a restaurant
and the premises...
-We're not gonna eat 'em.
-No, I didn't...
I didn't think you
were going to eat them.
-[drum beat plays]
-Okay, yeah, listening.
♪ Said I'm kicking man
like Van Damme ♪
♪ Who's on the mic
with a rough slang ♪
Aah, no.
It's all right, but...
-You want it a bit more...?
-Yeah, a bit tougher.
-Okay. All right.
-You're doing well though, mate.
Cheers, mate.
-♪ Said I'm kicking man
like Van Damme ♪
-No, no, no, no!
That wasn't it.
Really doing well, but...
If we could just try it again
in a different way, like.
-I need to speed this up.
-Man, shut up.
♪ Said I'm kicking man
like Van Damme ♪
♪ Who's on the mic
with a rough slang ♪
♪ Kick to the cheek
just like I'm Jet Li ♪
♪ And a triple backflip
off a jet ski ♪
-That's it! Done it.
-Sweet.
-Smashed it, bruv. Come through.
-Am I done?
-Yeah.
-Sick.
-Is that all right, yeah?
-Yeah. Done really well, mate.
-Wicked.
-Yeah, killed it.
I've got to go hospital
now, so...
All right, mate. Good luck
with it all. I'm still hoping
it's a false alarm, so...
Yeah. I'll let you know
how it goes.
All right, mate. Nice one.
Cool, mate.
-See you fannies in a bit, yeah?
-Keep it Kurupt, yeah?
Always do, mate.
-Play it back.
-[drumbeat plays]
So does it have to be
on a Saturday because...
-Yeah. It's a wedding.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, okay...
-When did you get married?
-Well...
-On a Tuesday?
The only reason I say that
is because we've got
an 18-month waiting list
-if you want to do it
on a Saturday.
-18 months?!
We'll have to have it at
the working men's club. I get
a special discount for weddings,
-cos I had my last two there.
-I'm not having it there.
They haven't got pink
lighting or Buddhas.
It's not the same.
So do you want me to pop you
down on the waiting list then?
I'll have to check with my
fiancé, won't I? He might not
be up for waiting that long.
I said I'm in a studio.
I'm in a studio. I can't
talk now. Oh, signal.
[director] So are you excited
about the wedding, Grindah?
Uh, yeah. Like, obviously,
if she's happy, I'm happy.
Everyone keeps going, "Oh,
you was fucked out of your head
when you proposed to her."
But I wasn't even that fucked.
And anyway, they say when you're
fucked that's when the truth
comes out, so...
I reckon it's what
I wanted deep down.
-Probably.
-Aah!
-Hello.
-Sorry, babes.
I had no signal,
cos I'm at studio.
Yeah, studio, yeah.
What you saying?
I found an amazing venue.
Like you'll absolutely love it.
-But there's an 18-month
waiting list.
-Oh, really?
-Seems mental to wait that
long but it is the dream.
-Although...
-I'd say we should
just wait it out.
-You sure?
You said it's
your dream place.
I think that's it's probably
my dream place as well.
-Yeah, you would
absolutely love it.
-So it's probably best to wait.
-All right, bye.
-All right, in a bit.
Oh...
That's a shame, innit?
-Do you believe in marriage?
-To be honest...
I'm married to the music,
do you know what I mean?
It's more for her, innit?
It's like a prestige thing.
"I've married one of the
top MC's in the game,"
which I get.
It don't really mean
nothing to me.
-Hello, mate.
-All right.
You've got five minutes.
What do you mean five minutes?
I haven't done my lyrics yet.
But you've only paid
for an hour, so...
Yeah, but come on,
it's your place, so...
-Give us some extra time. Make
you part of musical history.
-No.
I wouldn't know anything
about real music, would I?
You've got five minutes.
-Ooh! I've got five minutes!
-You've got four minutes now.
I'm gonna do it in three minutes
then and I'll expect a minute's
money back then!
Decoy! We've got
four minutes left.
Soon as I get in there,
start recording.
Just one second, yeah?
Mate, you know we're not going
to do this in four minutes.
D'you know what? Fuck this!
Little prick thinks
he can tighten me, yeah?
I'm locking us in!
Steve, blockade the door.
-We're blockading the door?
-Yes, mate.
Decoy, we're
blockading the door.
Get a piano. Block it properly.
-What the Clavinova or the P80?
-Just get any of them.
Grab anything you can get.
Get some more shit.
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Leads. Do you reckon
I should lock it as well?
Yeah, do that as well.
As soon as I lock myself
in there, you start doing that.
Oh, mate, this takes me back.
Me old squat party days.
-All right, Decoy?
-Yeah.
-It's my time.
-All right.
[drumbeat plays]
[siren wails in the distance]
Hello.
-Hi, sorry I'm late.
-Where have you been?
[sighs] Studio.
I've got a very, very
special announcement to make.
Me and Roche are pregnant.
Well, her mainly, but I was
there when it happened.
Yeah. It's amazing, actually,
cos it's our first baby
together.
Hello, mate.
I wasn't there when
she made Craig, but...
apparently,
it was a great night.
[director] Was it a great night
with this one as well?
Well, actually, to be honest,
it wasn't one of them
special nights.
It was more just four strokes
and done type thing.
-Is that your date of birth?
-Yes.
You're officially a cougar.
-[she laughs]
-Yeah.
-I quite like that.
-Yeah, I did some research
on the internet.
-Craig showed me this thing.
-I don't want to know
about that...
It's got a weird name. It sounds
like a hamster but it's not.
[director] What are you doing?
I'm actually applying
my own face mask.
It's my own blend of yoghurt,
avocado and chilli,
which, you know, waters
the eyes, makes them water,
and also cleans them out.
It also gives a red rouge
effect to the skin.
So...very smouldering.
[musical ringtone]
Hi, Chabuddy G.
Yeah, manager of Kurupt FM.
[director] So is Chabuddy
your manager?
-Yes.
-Well, technically...
he said he'd pay for studio
if he could be our manager,
so we just said yeah.
-So he is your manager?
-Yeah, he's our manager
if you say so, mate.
Well, I mean, we all say so.
It's been said.
Oh, they want me to come
down to the studio?
Oh, right.
No, no, no.
No police! No police, no!
Okay, please! Don't call police,
don't call police.
I'm coming down now.
Fucking panic jobs, man!
Okay, get the wet wipes.
Fucking...
Oh, the chilli in my eye.
Bastard! Aw!
Aah!
I can't see anything.
-[banging]
-That's fucking ridicu...
What, you think
you can lock me out?
[Steves] Grindah, I can see him.
He's getting in, bruv!
He must have a spare key.
He's through the first
barricade.
[Grindah raps]
This is it! Come out!
You ain't getting in, bruv!
-What are you doing?
-You're not getting in today,
rude boy!
-Mate, you're dealing
with a seasoned pro!
-You fucking idiots!
-Get out now!
-I'm doing my lyric.
I will win! Ha-ha!
Get out now! Fucking moron.
[Grindah raps]
-Get out of the booth!
-Oi, listen!
You're interrupting my flow.
Get off me! You're jealous
of my lyrics!
Listen, listen,
he's gonna call the police.
It's just lyrics, mate.
I did, I asked normally.
-What's the damage?
-Look at the damage, you idiot!
That was like that
before we got here.
-Are you fucking mad?
-They told me there was
broken glass there.
-[beeping]
-There's your little
girl's arm. You see it?
-[both] Yeah.
-And there's the other one.
[Beats] Wow! That is mad.
-I didn't realise it would
have arms this early on.
-What?
Looks a bit like a wasp.
It doesn't look like a wasp.
It looks like a baby.
[director] What are your
hopes and dreams for the baby?
I just want it to have teeth
and fingers and that first.
Well, it won't have teeth
straight away.
But don't get freaked out
about that.
-It'll have teeth later.
-Okay.
-So how does it eat?
-It just drinks to start with.
It drinks milk.
And then you mush
all its food up.
Yeah, cos that's what
Robocop eats.
Yep. It's gonna be like Robocop.
Call the police!
Call the police!
No, don't call the police!
Just... Fuck, shut up!
Don't call the police!
-What about them ones?
-Just get out!
That's six grand right there.
Just take that. Take it!
Take my watch!
-I don't want your watch.
-Take it! Take it!
Mate, you're trying
to hustle a hustler.
-I'm not hustling anyone.
-I'm gonna hustle you
right now, yeah?
-Mate, you've just brought a
bunch of morons into my studio.
-They are artists, artistes.
-Morons, mate, morons.
-Creative artists!
-Shut up and get out.
-How much is there?
-I'm counting, okay?
-Our manager to the rescue.
-It's what they're here for.
-So I'm definitely
your manager then?
Yeah. Just keep paying him!
Keep paying the man.
-Manager!
-Just come on, keep paying.
All right, mate.
Grindah.
-I stole a cable.
-Ah-hooo!
They ain't gonna be
seeing that again.
So, listen, boys, the track went
well, yeah? Can I have a listen?
-No, it ain't even finished yet.
-You can do it all on a laptop.
Dec'll finish it off.
What, you can do
it on your laptop?
Yeah, you don't need
any of that bollocks.
Well, why did I pay
all that money?
You said you'd pay for it,
plus it's a good day out, innit?
-A little blaze, go to studio.
Sounds good, don't it?
-It's a laugh, innit?
Catch! Catch! Catch!
Ooh-woooh!
'Ere are then.
Let's have a little toast.
To the...
-venue and the bride.
-Cheers!
And the mother of the bride
as well. That's you.
Yeah, I know! Beautiful.
I'm going to move along
on my wedding timeline
-to dress shopping.
-Oh, yeah! Nice!
-Exciting.
-That's that dress
I was talking about.
Have a look.
Look, Mick loved it.
Aaw! Bless him!
Mikos was so sweet.
Weren't he just?
Not sure on the dress though.
-It hasn't got that regal vibe
that I was after.
-Really?!
-I'll keep it in mind though
in case I get really desperate.
-Love that.
Ho-ho! There she is.
She looks just like her
profile picture.
I bloody don't.
Hey, jump in, baby!
[laughs]
-Sorry...
-Yes, I'm just joking.
Let me just park up.
Sorry, one second.
Ladies love the van.
It's very roomy, very spacious.
So put the seats down...
we can have a bloody,
you know, bloody sauna.
Champagne Steam Rooms in there,
mate. You know what I mean?
But you haven't had
any ladies in there yet?
No ladies in at the moment.
But once I do, it's gonna be
like that scene from Titanic,
you know, when she puts her
hand. Bloody be like that, mate.
-Hi, Lisa, right?
-Yeah.
Sorry, I was a bit busy.
I was back at the studio
with some artists that
I'm managing at the moment.
-Hi. Chabuddy.
-Oh... Sounds exciting.
Not really. They're bloody
bankrupting me, the bastards!
[she laughs and coughs]
Chabuddy G's an
entrepreneed, yeah?
So I've decided to transform
my club, the Champagne
Steam Rooms,
into a classy, elegant cocktail
bar, the Champagne Steam Bar.
Think about it. If I've got
my own cocktail bar,
the ladies will come to me,
mate, you know what I mean?
I've created the honey pot
and now all the bees are coming
for a taste
of the sweet nectar, yeah?
Build it and they will come,
literally.
[drum and bass plays]
You should have put a flash on,
cos it's well dark.
Yeah, it wouldn't fit up there.
"Ooh, look at me!
I'm having a baby."
Everyone has a baby.
It's no big deal.
Decoy, what's the track saying?
I actually had a sick idea
at the hospital.
-I had a brain wave.
-About what?
-About the track.
-Well, finally! Fucking hell.
What is it?
Okay, I tell you what,
I'm going to go for
a Sex On The Beach au bar.
-Okay.
-And, uh...
-Can I have a...
-I'll order for you.
I know what you want.
Get her a Peanutini.
It's actually, uh,
one that I designed myself.
It's like a martini but with
peanut dust around the rim.
So...crusty rim.
Do I believe in love?
Does it exist? We don't know.
It's like oxygen. We can't
see it, but it's there.
Is it a feeling, you know?
Is it a sensation?
Is it a vibe? We don't know.
-Oh, yeah.
-Can I have your cherry?
Oh! [chuckles]
-Please take my cherry.
-Thanks. Get the taste
out of my mouth.
Please be gentle.
It's my first time.
-[she laughs]
-No, I'm not a virgin, though.
Had loads of sex.
What do you think about,
like, walking down the aisle?
Ask Mick to walk you
down the aisle.
-Really?
-Yeah, why not?
It sort of makes sense, cos,
obviously, legally he is my dad.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Oh!
-Exactly.
-Never thought of it like that.
Technically, I'm older than him,
but that doesn't matter,
does it?
-[ringtone]
-It's probably Grindah
worrying about the wedding.
-What's that plum want now?
-Oh. He just says, "Listen
Kurupt, new track now."
Thank God he let us know,
otherwise you might
have missed it(!)
-Who's ready? Who's ready?
-I'm ready.
-Who's ready?
-I'm ready!
Ladies, open up up your ears.
Mandem too.
We are about to drop
the new instant classic.
-Decoy, run that!
-Run the rhythm!
Play it, Decoy. Shh!
-♪ Raw, there's a dead MC
on the floor ♪
-Sample.
-♪ Who is that
standing above him? ♪
-[beeping]
Can you lot hear
the hospital sounds?
No, no, this bit's me as well.
♪ I think it might be
MC Grindah ♪
-The heart monitor.
-This is my bit.
-[mouths]
-MC Grindah!
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw leaving every MC
down on the floor ♪
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw leaving every MC
down on the floor ♪
♪ Bang, bang, bang, it's an
emergency! Beats and Grindah ♪
-[rap plays on radio]
-I tell you what, this is shit.
You might be a little
jealous sometimes.
-Yeah, maybe.
-You're a good singer, too.
I've heard you at karaoke.
♪ I'm kicking man like
Van Damme who's at the mic
with the rough slang? ♪
♪ Flying kicks I learned
from Jet Li with a triple
backflip off a jet ski ♪
♪ Word to the technical
ninjas here, lyrical karate
mixed with kung-fu! ♪
♪ What you gonna say now,
what you gonna do when Beats and
Grindah are coming for you? ♪
♪ We're bandaged up with
the victim in close, leaving
every MC up on their arse ♪
♪ Lyrical dragon fight,
so damn fast, leave your head
spinning for more of my bars! ♪
♪ Beats and Grindah up on
the track, guess you could
call that double impact ♪
♪ Why are we so lyrically big?
Cos we've been training,
punching a tree for a week ♪
[track reloads]
Yeah, I invented that.
Mid-point reload it's called.
It's a great little reference
to the garage sound.
Also it saves the DJ
from having to reload it.
Plus we didn't have much
time to finish it from studio,
so it's only a minute and a half
long. So now it's three minutes.
-So tightly wrapped track.
-Hear the hospital sound though?
-[beeping]
-Yeah, that's quite good.
But also my lyrics are sick.
And then you hear it again,
the whole track again.
MC Grindah!
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪
♪ Bang! Lyrical
blow to the jaw... ♪
He's started from
the beginning again?
-Yeah.
-He's just repeating himself.
Cannie!
Go on, son, celebrate, innit?
♪ Dial 999, it's an emergency!
Beats and Grindah... ♪
Ooh! Look at that. Even
the beer's getting excited!
You just witnessed musical
history, do you know what
I mean, like?
That is a beautiful little drop.
You light it for me, mate.
I've done enough work.
-[they laugh]
-Oh!
Then she ended up bloody
taking all my stuff,
robbing me clean, breaking
my heart and bloody pissing off.
[he laughs]
-There you go, guys.
-Oh, thank you, dear.
No, no, please, allow me.
I have a calculator on my phone.
You had two cocktails.
You had the olives as well,
didn't you? So add that.
-There's a service charge.
-Sorry, isn't this your place?
-Yeah.
-Can't you just...?
I mean, I won't have to pay
my half. You just pay
yours, isn't it?
-£15.
-Seriously?
I'm running
a business here, baby.
It's not including service
charge as well, so leave
a little tip as well.
Ah, thank you.
The best advice I'd give to
people who are seeking love...
ladies like power,
wealth, status.
Can we go?
-You wanna get out of here?
-Sure.
I mean, I'm the most, uh,
the most official bachelor
in Hounslow at the moment
and, uh...
you know, I'm a great catch.
Ladies, come on! You know?
Their loss.
-Call me.
-Yeah(!)
See you, guys.
♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! Bang!
Lyrical blow to the jaw! ♪
-♪ Bang! Lyrical blow
to the jaw! ♪
-Bang!
This one's gonna be your
inheritance, mate. This
one's you, bubba, trust me.
Mm, that bit.
Is Daddy good in it?
♪ It's an emergency.
Beats and Grindah... ♪
-Oh, my God!
It's the wedding venue.
-Tell 'em you'll call back.
-This is the best bit!
-Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.
It's the venue
from yesterday.
Tell them I'm fuming at them
making us wait 18 months.
God, yeah, that's
brilliant news. Amazing.
Just hang on a second. They're
saying they've got a space
in five months.
You know, at your favourite
venue? The one you wanted
to hold out for?
-Yeah.
-Okay. So when can I come in?
Tell them that's good, but...
Tell 'em we've got options.
Okay. Well, throw in the bespoke
food and we will take it.
-Don't say take it!
-Okay, brilliant!
-I haven't checked my calendar.
-Thank you so much!
Miche, I haven't checked
my calendar.
-Aw, thank you.
-Still got to have...
Oh, my God! We're getting
bloody married!
-Ah...
-We're gonna get bloody married.
Yeah.