People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 2, Episode 5 - Clubnight - full transcript
Michelle is thrilled to be taken on permanently at the salon but Grindah is more concerned with Kurupt FM's appearance at Chabuddy's club. The opening night is a success, with Grindah ...
I'd like to welcome you all
to the grand opening
of my very first nightclub.
I now declare...
Champagne Steam Rooms
officially open!
-Oi! Whoa!
-Bloody hell!
-Oh, mate!
-Oh, shit! Oh, for f...
I didn't know it was red.
Are the armadillo skin shoes
ruined as well?
Got cheap wine
all over the bastards.
-This is it, guys.
-Let me go first.
-Welcome! Ah! Yes!
-Jesus.
-Fucking speakers!
-Ah, look at the sound system!
Guys, guys, guys,
welcome to my super-club.
Look at that.
Smoke machine for the steam.
-That is perfect.
-Look, wait, look.
Wait. That is sick.
This is going to be the
bit where, like, everyone's
trying to push through
to get towards me and
I'm on stage like this,
with you as well,
like that, yeah?
And everyone's like, "Oh, can
I can touch man?" and that,
and I'm gonna be fully
dripped in Moschino, like.
-And where is the VIP,
cos I cannot see anything?
-Oh, VIP! Come through, guys.
Welcome to the V-I-P.
-Ah, gold chairs, yeah?
-Wow!
Phew! A little taste
of how the other half live.
[Grinda] One of the main
things that you need sorted
when you've got your own club
night, yeah, is just a room
you can go and chill out
and just get away from
the hectic fans and that.
-Green room.
-Could be any colour.
Just got, like, champagne in
ice buckets, pre-rolled zoots...
What about them lovely sausage
rolls Miche did for your
packed lunch?
We don't need saus...
Actually, yeah.
Few sausage rolls to line the
stomach before we kill the set.
-Whack 'em on the list, yeah.
-Sausage...roll.
This is very much a team-based
area, so no-one else
will be allowed in.
-Please back off, guys.
-Cos we're better than
everyone else!
-Am I better than everyone?
-I doubt it, to be
honest, Steves.
Stevie, I've got a job
for you if you want. You
could make another tenner.
Steves, you are part of
the team, so you can come in.
-Cool, man.
-But you'll very much
have to stand, still.
-Cool. I'll just stand.
-Yeah.
Still, red carpet treatment.
Let me show you
the bar, come on.
-There's a bar?
-Come through, come through.
What's the bar's name, Decoy?
Welcome to the
Champagne Cocktails!
Oh, fuck off! Fuck off!
-What is that?
-Shut up, there's sand here!
-Hey, guys, what cocktail
do you want?
-[laughter]
-I think that's probably
you done now, actually.
-Is it?
-Susan's only got one
customer left, so...
-Okay.
Actually, Miche...
can I have a quick word?
Oh, Tanya, sorry, is it
about the hair straighteners?
Cos I was borrowing them cos
me and Angel were trying out
some Rihanna looks on her.
No, don't worry about that.
It's actually about
your contract.
You know your probation
period is up now?
-Yeah.
-And...
-We'd like to offer you
the position full-time!
-Really?!
-Yes!
-Ah, amazing! That's so great!
Is Angela going to be
full-time as well, then?
Angela's going back to college.
That's sort of why we...
Sorry, so just to confirm, I've
got the job but Angela has not?
-Yeah, it's just you.
-Oh, God!
And she's been here
longer than me. Oh, dear.
-Obviously, you don't have
to say yes right now.
-Yeah.
Have a think about it tonight.
Let me know tomorrow. Yes?
Definitely. Amazing.
Thank you, Tanya. This
is brilliant news. Yeah.
-I'll need to check with
my boyfriend...
-Fiancé.
Fiancé, yeah. But I'm sure
he'll be really happy about
it, so it's brilliant.
Nah, the strands are too thick.
-[door closes]
-Miche? Ah, thank
fuck you're back.
I'm trying to get these
strands right, but I can't
get 'em spot-on like you.
I got the job, baby!
-Yeah?
-Yeah, I'm full-time
now at Lavender!
-I thought you had a job?
-No, I've been on probation for
the last two weeks, remember?
Is it? Can you come
and do this, please?
To be honest, Miche, I reckon
you don't even need a job,
cos with all this
rave shit going off,
I reckon you should focus
just on my hair from now on.
Yeah, no one can get it
done like you, anyway, so it's
better off that way, innit?
Nah, I ain't happy
Miche has got a job.
To be honest,
she's showing herself up
and she's showing me up.
Cos it's embarrassing, innit?
One of the highly-skilled
MCs in the area, yeah?
And his missus is working.
Look at the Premiership
footballers...
-[director] But you don't
earn as much as they do.
-No, but one day I will earn...
more than them,
if I want.
Chabuddy G is back
on the London party scene.
I am the bloody
London party scene!
Lock up your daughters.
Actually, don't lock
up your daughters.
Lock up your mother,
lock up your aunties
and any other women
of legal age limit!
Chabuddy G, aka 50 Shades
Of Brown, is ready for action!
[Beats]
What's that? What's that?
What's going on up here?
Nah, nothing. Craig's
letting me use his Lynx.
-He's actually perfected
the perfect blend.
-Yeah?
-So is it just
two sprays of Excite?
-No, no. One spray of Excite.
Two sprays of Dark Temptation.
And then, the last bit,
just a mist of Africa.
[whistles]
Let me try that.
[Roche coughs]
Yeah. Perfect. Now
I've got a man who smells
exactly the same as my son!
I was just wondering,
should I bring my expandable
truncheon, do you reckon?
-Definitely, I want you
both to have a good time.
-Yeah?
And if any gurning 19-year-old
gets out of hand...
Smash! Boom!
Back of the knee.
I'll just go, bang, upwards.
Bring them back up.
[director] So are you
looking forward to the rave?
This might sound awful, but I'm
hoping something kicks off.
That would make my night.
And then I'd get right
round his neck, right round.
So I'm sort of looking
forward to it, but I'm...
I'm a bit, you know...
Imagine a whole
warehouse of "them".
You hurt my collarbone, man.
You always take it too far.
Just got a bit excited, love.
-[knocking on door]
-Miche! Door!
No, I'm getting ready.
I thought you were supposed
to be gone already.
-Miche, there's a homeless
woman at the door.
-What? Shut the door then!
-Little twat.
-Whatever. Even Angel
says I'm better than you.
-I like your top.
-Thank you, darling.
So you sure you'll be able
to get the bus on your own?
Yeah, it's fine, cos Mum's
got to do my hair first.
All right, cool. Well,
you are on the VIP list, so...
-So you'll be right at the top.
-Could you put me down
as Lady Miche?
-Just cos that's my Twitter
name, so sounds classier.
-Yeah.
It does sound pretty classy,
yeah. All right, cool.
Well, um...Decoy's outside.
-Better go, cos he's downstairs
right now. See you later.
-Bye!
[singing] What's the other
one? There's a better one.
-Er, bad biggidy boy.
-[he sings]
Vocal warm-ups.
Mind out the way,
VIP coming through.
-Yeah, fuck off!
-See you in a bit, yeah?
All right, yeah.
Woo!
[dance music plays]
This is shit!
There's hardly anyone here.
It's half 11,
there's meant to be a
sea of people everywhere.
What the fuck
are we going to do?
[Nan] Don't you let that
little mug tell you what you
should do with your life.
If you want to do it,
you should just go for it.
Yeah, Yolo, but also you have
been divorced four times.
Oi, oi! Three times,
if you don't mind!
-We're talking about you.
-Yeah.
You don't need anybody, yeah?
Chelle, you are beautiful.
-Thanks, Mum.
-I'm going to call her.
-I'm just going to do it.
-Are you?
-Yeah.
-What, right now? All
right. I'll pour us a drink.
Go on, then.
Talk, like...
talk nice and everything.
-Yeah, I'll do my posh voice.
-Do your telephone voice!
-Oh, it's ringing.
-If it goes to answerphone,
put it down.
Hi, Tanya!
Oh, God, sorry.
Oh, did I wake you up?
Sorry, I'm drunk. I didn't
realise what time it was.
Yeah, well, I was just calling
to say that I will take the job.
We can talk about it more
tomorrow? Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, no problem. Yep.
No, sleep well. Yeah. No...
"Sleep well"! You just
woke her up, you prat!
[laughs]
-Cheers to the new job!
-To you, darling.
-To you and me.
-And Angel.
-And Angel.
-To Angel.
-And your new boyfriend?
-Yeah.
How was it when you
went to go and see him?
He's nice.
I mean, he's well fit. 18.
Really? Wow, that's
the youngest yet, isn't it?
Not really.
Where's...?
There's not even
a champagne bucket.
What...?
Excuse... Why is...?
Why is there people walking
through the VIP bit?
The toilet's
just there, mate.
That's ridiculous! It stinks!
-Do you know
if I'm meant to wipe them?
-What's that?
-Am I supposed to wipe them?
-Whatever you're comfortable
with, Steves.
-Tell them no shitting!
-No shitting. No shitting.
No shitting? All right.
Er...hello?
-I'm gonna go chat to Chabuds.
-Yeah, sort it out!
Sorry, mate.
Just to say that there's
actually a no-shitting rule now,
so if you've started,
just kind of clench.
Or just suck it back in.
-You all right?
-Not really.
-You got a bucket
for the champagne?
-I was going to give you that.
That's just a bucket.
Yeah, no, it's a gold
bucket, mate. Turn it round!
-It's a champagne bucket.
-Exactly!
Cheers, mate. You're the man,
bruv. See you in a bit.
Got the champagne bucket.
Fuck!
Can I get a water,
please, mate?
We don't actually
do waters, but, uh...
Actually, yeah, why not?
Um...
Waters are £3.
I can do you two for £5.
-You want them?
-Yeah, mate.
Two bottles of water, yeah?
Okay, two bottles of water.
-There we go, mate, that's £5.
-Cheers, mate.
Cheers.
We could call a few people,
get them to come down.
Nah, I ain't doing that!
That's just...
Do you know what?
This is all you, mate!
Cos you fucked up the promotion
by fucking off with Craig
on your little fishing trip!
Don't talk about Craig.
He's got a heart of gold.
"Don't talk about Craig," yeah?
I tell you what,
why don't you and Craig go
and fucking do a set to, like,
three, four people or whatever?
Cos I ain't fuckin' doing it.
Get the fuck out my way.
-You got a light, bruv?
-Yeah.
What's all this about, then?
They was meant to be filming
me MC-ing in there, but...
-Fuck off.
-What?
-You MC Grindah?
-Er, yeah.
-Mate, let me get a picture.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Aaron, you got your phone?
-Yeah.
-Throw your "K's" up as well.
-Yeah.
Get the champers in there.
Did you get that?
[director] Are you nervous
about telling Grindah
that you've taken the job?
I think I just need
to tell him he's wrong.
There's this thing
now on social media
and it's called feminism.
It's basically all about women,
you know, we're all equal, so...
why can't we wear
the trousers too?
Although, it does depend
on your physique.
Cos if you've got
an apple-shaped body,
then you need to conceal
the trunk and let your
legs do the talking.
Straggler.
Let's get out
of here, me and you.
Let's get out of this place.
-Can I just get
a cocktail, please?
-Yeah, no worries.
Start with a cocktail first.
Oh, whoa!
What you got there?
-The old Jack and Jills, is it?
-Yeah.
Fuck it, have one, innit?
-I'm all good.
-What, you don't get on it?
These ones are banging, mate.
Trust me. I ain't some mug!
No, I do get on it. I've got
this and I'll probably be
full off that.
I do do them,
obviously, but more after
the set if anything, so...
Oh, I'll have one.
Cheers, mate.
Oh, these ones, are they?
-All right.
-Oh, good.
-Did you take it?
-Yeah, I took it.
Give me another one, then,
if you don't believe me.
You actually want me
to do another one?
-Just do it, mate.
-Yeah, I will just do it.
On my tongue.
[dance music plays]
Steves! I'm just going to
see if I can find Grindah.
Cool, man.
Turn them out for me.
-All right, Roche?
-All right, Miche?
-How are you?
-Fine. You're looking lovely.
You too. Great.
So I'm on the VIP list.
Oh, that's all right,
there ain't a VIP list.
You can just go in.
So I'm down as Lady Miche
on the list.
No, there's no list,
you can just go in.
-Can I ask you a question?
-Okay.
What kind of guys do you
like to have sex with?
Ah, no worries.
Can I help you?
Decoy. Have you seen Grindah?
How was that for you?
All right? Do you want a
little zhoosh under the armpits?
Steves.
Put that roll-on down, mate,
we've got to find Grindah.
-There you go, mate.
All fresh, good to go.
-Steves!
Yeah. Sorry, man.
Oh, nice one! Sick.
Got anything in your
pockets or...?
-Roche, have you
seen Grindah?
-Oh, yeah.
He came out earlier.
He was all pouting and sulky.
I didn't see
where he went cos I was
dealing with these nonces.
What the fuck is
that on his head?
It's like a Shoreditch samurai.
Right, Steves, you do
a lap of the warehouse, yeah?
I'm going to hit
the high street.
Grindah!
Grindah!
-[Grindah groans]
-Oh, my God!
Grindah.
What's wrong?
-Oh, bruv...
-Bruv?
Fuck, it's pounding. My jaw's
all weird. I've taken a pill.
-You all right?
-I've never done one before.
-Oi, don't film me like this!
-Let's just sit you up.
-Sit me up where?
-Hug your knees.
That's a little technique
I've learned. Can you
feel that? How's that?
-That actually feels
better, actually.
-That's all right, innit?
Go on, just pop yourself up,
we're going to have
positive energy.
That's it, you're with friends.
Just hold onto me, that's it.
Positive energy. Positive
energy. That's all right.
That's all right.
Don't worry.
That's all right.
How's that now?
Eh? How's that now?
-That's better, innit?
-Ah, yeah, fucking...
That feels a lot
better, actually.
See that? That's all you needed,
just a little release there.
-Thanks for that.
-Cool, man.
-Where's Beats?
-You got a tissue?
This feels banging!
[dance music plays]
Right, Fanta, this is your
time to shine, brother.
-You've earned this. You ready?
-I'm ready, man.
Oh, wait. Grindah! Don't need
you now, pull back. Grindah!
Bruv, you all right?
-I'm fucking sick.
-Have you seen the crowd?
It's sick. They're all
here for me! Take one of these.
Do it! It's banging.
A little fan gave it to us.
-All right, fuck it. Living
la vida loca, yeah?
-Trust me though.
[Grindah] Who's ready inside
for the world famous...
best MC in the world,
MC Grindah, right now?
[Beats] Brentford's just
the start. After that,
the world is our oyster.
We got Plymouth,
Chinchester, yeah?
[Grindah] I mean, next thing
you know, probably get Ayia
Napa on the phone.
Like, "Oh, you
lot are killing it!
Do you want to come out
to Ayia Napa and we'll
pay you bare money,
fly you out, get you a
hotel, all-inclusive...
not necessarily all-inclusive
food but definitely
a breakfast buffet," like.
[Beats] Most important meal
of the day, innit?
♪ G-R-I-N-D, G-R-I-N-D ♪
♪ G-R-I-N-D, G-R-I-N-D
Baddest MC in the industry ♪
♪ B to the E to the A to the T
and the S and the yes,
and the we are the best! ♪
♪ B to the E to the A to the T
to the S and the yes
and the we are the best! ♪
♪ K to the U-R-P to the T
Kurupt FM is our family ♪
♪ K to the U-R-P to the T
Baddest MC in the industry ♪
♪ Who's that brother
with the blue suede shirt? ♪
♪ Who's that brother
with the blue suede shirt? ♪
♪ Avirex jacket,
Parsley shirt! ♪
♪ Who's that brother with
the blue suede shirt? ♪
♪ Who's that brother
with the blue suede shirt? ♪
♪ Avirex jacket,
Parsley shirt! ♪
One water please, babe.
For you, pretty lady,
I'll do you a special price.
£2 and you get
a free straw as well.
-Thanks so much!
-No, you're welcome.
Stevie, come on, mate.
-I'm going to DJ
in front of everyone.
-Selecta!
-Come on, Steves.
-Selecta!
♪ N-I-K-E, it's the brand
that I wear, you see ♪
-♪ It's A-double-D-I-D-A-S
-Are the trousers
that I possess ♪
♪ R-double-E-B-O to the K
R-double-E-B-O to the K ♪
♪ R-double-E-B-O to the K
That's the trainer
that I wear every day ♪
♪ When I say, you say,
we say, they say
Make some noise! ♪
♪ When I say, you say,
we say, they say
Make some noise! ♪
♪ When I say, you say,
we say, they say
Make some noise! ♪
♪ When I say, you say,
we say, they say
Make some noise! ♪
♪ Sit upon the riddim
when I sit up on the riddim! ♪
♪ Sit upon the riddim
when I sit up on the riddim! ♪
You've got a really nice face.
Thank you very much. You have
a beautiful face as well.
I like a woman
who's not afraid to sweat.
She's been up here ten times,
asking for "water". Right.
I think she's
sniffed out the fact that
this is my club, you know?
A classy lady
like that, she can smell
success from a mile, mate.
And right now,
I bloody reek of it.
♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪
♪ Wi' di riddim and the ride ♪
♪ All 'pon di riddim
in the roughneck style ♪
♪ Watch the man go cronk
Baby, badboy grind ♪
♪ When they come down
gonna sit down beside ♪
♪ Casual lickle girl
Suck me off then bounce ♪
♪ Yes, MC Grindah comes
back to fuck her! ♪
-All that ragga shit.
-I love that ragga shit.
I've got, like, a Jamaican soul,
so like...
♪ Don't matter, boy
I've got MC Grindah ♪
♪ Takin' the microphone
We're gonna be there ♪
♪ Who's then got the riddim
and they bust up the light? ♪
♪ On time, the Beats
His name down beside I ♪
Oh, my days! Hey! Hey, listen!
Miche, I sees ya!
Lady Miche, big up!
I see you, yeah?
You do everything for me.
You even put me before
your job and I fucking
love you for that.
My gorgeous son, Craig, is
somewhere in here with bare
girls, like getting noshed off.
-Slammin' the pussy.
-I sees ya, Craig.
Daddy sees ya.
[Grindah] Big it up!
Insane!
Whoa, gosh!
♪ Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! ♪
I'm going to do a stage dive!
I'm going to do
a fucking stage dive!
Grindah's going
to do a stage dive!
[cheering]
[Miche]
That is really amazing!!
They fucking loved me, yeah?
They worship me!
Look, I wanted to talk to you
about the whole job thing.
-What?
-The job thing.
Listen, don't worry about that.
Everything I said earlier,
yeah? Forget that.
You take that job.
That's you, cuz!
Oh, okay. I will then,
I'll take it.
Yeah. I was thinking,
yeah, being up there,
I feel like we could
do anything together!
We can, like, get on a plane
and just live in the hills
of Jamaica in a farm
-and get married, with a dog.
-Get married?
Ah, it's more the Jamaica
thing, not necessarily...
Are you proposing??
Uh... Sort of, like...
Yeah, fuck it! Why not? Uh...
Yeah, as long as we don't have
to get married for a long time,
-we might as well, innit?
-You going to kneel down?
-Yeah.
-So you just go down like that.
-Ah. It's quite intense.
-I do!
-What?
-I do!
Sick.
Aah!
Did you not see me
stage diving there?
Your face is so amazing.
Yeah, I actually moisturise
with almond butter.
[laughs]
Is your whole body soft?
Well, I'll tell you one part
of my body that isn't soft!
Don't go anywhere.
-Grindah.
-Yeah, man.
I'm sorry about
being defensive earlier.
It's cos of Craig and that,
like. You know what it's
like being a dad.
Don't even try that, brother.
I'm sorry, bruv.
Craig opened up to me the
other day. He called me Dad.
Are you serious?
Bruv, that's fucking sick!
-Yeah.
-Eh, come here,
you fucking sickhead.
Ah, man, that's what
I'm saying about you, man.
You know, I proposed to Miche
earlier, sort of like,
by mistake.
But I feel all
right for doing it.
That's amazing, man. That's
what it's about, though, innit?
-Yeah.
-It's about family and that.
It's true.
It's fucking true.
Always.
Hello, mate, there's
a no-shitting rule tonight
but apart from that...
This is what having your
own club does to people!
She can't bloody
get enough, mate!
Oh...
All right, mate?
Steves, can you do me a favour?
Can you take over the bar
for a minute?
-Yeah.
-I've pulled, mate! Yeah.
And I think, yeah...
I think she might be
really special, this one.
-She does seem nice, man.
-Yeah.
-Cheers, Stevie.
-Cool.
The return of the queen!
-What?
-Shall we boogie?
Let's boogie. Come on!
Abdi, back off, mate!
Abdi, you're too close!
-You all right?
-Yeah.
-Why are you so sweaty?
-I think it's cos I'm nervous.
-Roche...
-Yeah?
I need to tell you something.
Basically, Grindah
proposed to Michelle.
-Oh!
-And it made me think that...
maybe we should do the same.
That's very romantic.
Let's talk about it
tomorrow, eh, Kevin?
Nah, cos Craig called
me Dad this week.
And it made me think
that we're a family.
Maybe we could
be a proper family.
I love you, Roche.
Get up! You're only meant
to go on one knee, all right?
-Is it?
-If you still feel like it,
ask me tomorrow, yeah?
-Yeah, I definitely will.
-Okay, I look forward to that.
Yeah. All right?
Go and enjoy yourself, Romeo.
Safe.
Mate! I'm having
the sickest time.
Bruv, your jacket smells a
bit weird. Stay back a bit.
-I can't believe
we've done this, man.
-This is amazing!
Is your tummy still
feeling poorly?
Yeah, it still
hurts quite a lot.
How are your dark
thoughts getting on?
Get you all tucked in.
-I still feel pretty sad,
to be honest.
-Put your head up.
Oh, don't worry. I've got
something that'll cheer you up.
I knew you probably wouldn't
want to go out today,
so I just popped out
and I got a ring, so...
What? Ah, fuck!
Aww!
[Angel] Mummy!
-Here she is! Yay!
-I've got my dress on.
Me and Angel have been
practising, so, yeah.
-Can't believe that
we're engaged now.
-Congratulations!
-Oh, yeah. We don't...
-Keep holding them.
..necessarily
need to tell everyone
we're engaged, Miche.
People stay engaged for
a long time before they
actually tell anyone.
-Yeah.
-Can we just...talk
about this another time?
I'm feeling pretty sick,
to be honest.
Until next time, my queen!
Just promise me
one thing, baby.
Don't fall in love.
I'm damaged goods.
Oh, hey, guys. Come in.
[chuckles]
That's embarrassing, innit?
Bed's still unmade.
[sniffs]
What's that smell?
I'll tell you what that is,
that's the smell of sex.
With a little bit
of very basic foreplay.
[Roche] You all right?
[Beats] I think if I cough,
I might shit myself.
Oh!
There you go, that's for you.
Craig, man, you legend.
Thanks, man.
See you had a good time
last night, as well...
-chewing that bird's face off.
-What girl?
Yeah, she was all right.
Bit sweaty, though.
You guys done me proud
last night, man. Both of you.
You didn't do
too badly yourself.
'Ere, is there anything
you wanted to talk about today?
-No, not really.
-Nothing you wanted to ask me?
No.
You see, you see
what I said last night...
-Mmm?
-outside and...and that...
Yeah, don't worry, you twat,
I'm only joking!
Ah, fucking hell!
-Cos I was going to leave
today, like, just run.
-Were you?
-For a bit and then come back.
-Okay. [she laughs]
[Beats] Success means different
things to different people.
But, to me, success
isn't about money.
-It's about family
and love, innit?
-Nah.
[Grindah] Everyone's got
a family. We've got that
and the club night, so...
-Truesay.
-Yeah.
-We're quite inspirational,
really, innit?
-Yeah.
What I would say is if you're
watching this right now,
and you're feeling
bare inspired,
remember, MC Grindah
told you, you can achieve
anything you want in life.
-Anything.
-Well, not...
Within reason, obviously.
Be realistic about it.
[Beats] Do something that
you're probably already
quite good at,
-just make it easier.
-Yeah, exactly.
Set your goals low so that
you might be able
to achieve them.
No one likes a failure.
to the grand opening
of my very first nightclub.
I now declare...
Champagne Steam Rooms
officially open!
-Oi! Whoa!
-Bloody hell!
-Oh, mate!
-Oh, shit! Oh, for f...
I didn't know it was red.
Are the armadillo skin shoes
ruined as well?
Got cheap wine
all over the bastards.
-This is it, guys.
-Let me go first.
-Welcome! Ah! Yes!
-Jesus.
-Fucking speakers!
-Ah, look at the sound system!
Guys, guys, guys,
welcome to my super-club.
Look at that.
Smoke machine for the steam.
-That is perfect.
-Look, wait, look.
Wait. That is sick.
This is going to be the
bit where, like, everyone's
trying to push through
to get towards me and
I'm on stage like this,
with you as well,
like that, yeah?
And everyone's like, "Oh, can
I can touch man?" and that,
and I'm gonna be fully
dripped in Moschino, like.
-And where is the VIP,
cos I cannot see anything?
-Oh, VIP! Come through, guys.
Welcome to the V-I-P.
-Ah, gold chairs, yeah?
-Wow!
Phew! A little taste
of how the other half live.
[Grinda] One of the main
things that you need sorted
when you've got your own club
night, yeah, is just a room
you can go and chill out
and just get away from
the hectic fans and that.
-Green room.
-Could be any colour.
Just got, like, champagne in
ice buckets, pre-rolled zoots...
What about them lovely sausage
rolls Miche did for your
packed lunch?
We don't need saus...
Actually, yeah.
Few sausage rolls to line the
stomach before we kill the set.
-Whack 'em on the list, yeah.
-Sausage...roll.
This is very much a team-based
area, so no-one else
will be allowed in.
-Please back off, guys.
-Cos we're better than
everyone else!
-Am I better than everyone?
-I doubt it, to be
honest, Steves.
Stevie, I've got a job
for you if you want. You
could make another tenner.
Steves, you are part of
the team, so you can come in.
-Cool, man.
-But you'll very much
have to stand, still.
-Cool. I'll just stand.
-Yeah.
Still, red carpet treatment.
Let me show you
the bar, come on.
-There's a bar?
-Come through, come through.
What's the bar's name, Decoy?
Welcome to the
Champagne Cocktails!
Oh, fuck off! Fuck off!
-What is that?
-Shut up, there's sand here!
-Hey, guys, what cocktail
do you want?
-[laughter]
-I think that's probably
you done now, actually.
-Is it?
-Susan's only got one
customer left, so...
-Okay.
Actually, Miche...
can I have a quick word?
Oh, Tanya, sorry, is it
about the hair straighteners?
Cos I was borrowing them cos
me and Angel were trying out
some Rihanna looks on her.
No, don't worry about that.
It's actually about
your contract.
You know your probation
period is up now?
-Yeah.
-And...
-We'd like to offer you
the position full-time!
-Really?!
-Yes!
-Ah, amazing! That's so great!
Is Angela going to be
full-time as well, then?
Angela's going back to college.
That's sort of why we...
Sorry, so just to confirm, I've
got the job but Angela has not?
-Yeah, it's just you.
-Oh, God!
And she's been here
longer than me. Oh, dear.
-Obviously, you don't have
to say yes right now.
-Yeah.
Have a think about it tonight.
Let me know tomorrow. Yes?
Definitely. Amazing.
Thank you, Tanya. This
is brilliant news. Yeah.
-I'll need to check with
my boyfriend...
-Fiancé.
Fiancé, yeah. But I'm sure
he'll be really happy about
it, so it's brilliant.
Nah, the strands are too thick.
-[door closes]
-Miche? Ah, thank
fuck you're back.
I'm trying to get these
strands right, but I can't
get 'em spot-on like you.
I got the job, baby!
-Yeah?
-Yeah, I'm full-time
now at Lavender!
-I thought you had a job?
-No, I've been on probation for
the last two weeks, remember?
Is it? Can you come
and do this, please?
To be honest, Miche, I reckon
you don't even need a job,
cos with all this
rave shit going off,
I reckon you should focus
just on my hair from now on.
Yeah, no one can get it
done like you, anyway, so it's
better off that way, innit?
Nah, I ain't happy
Miche has got a job.
To be honest,
she's showing herself up
and she's showing me up.
Cos it's embarrassing, innit?
One of the highly-skilled
MCs in the area, yeah?
And his missus is working.
Look at the Premiership
footballers...
-[director] But you don't
earn as much as they do.
-No, but one day I will earn...
more than them,
if I want.
Chabuddy G is back
on the London party scene.
I am the bloody
London party scene!
Lock up your daughters.
Actually, don't lock
up your daughters.
Lock up your mother,
lock up your aunties
and any other women
of legal age limit!
Chabuddy G, aka 50 Shades
Of Brown, is ready for action!
[Beats]
What's that? What's that?
What's going on up here?
Nah, nothing. Craig's
letting me use his Lynx.
-He's actually perfected
the perfect blend.
-Yeah?
-So is it just
two sprays of Excite?
-No, no. One spray of Excite.
Two sprays of Dark Temptation.
And then, the last bit,
just a mist of Africa.
[whistles]
Let me try that.
[Roche coughs]
Yeah. Perfect. Now
I've got a man who smells
exactly the same as my son!
I was just wondering,
should I bring my expandable
truncheon, do you reckon?
-Definitely, I want you
both to have a good time.
-Yeah?
And if any gurning 19-year-old
gets out of hand...
Smash! Boom!
Back of the knee.
I'll just go, bang, upwards.
Bring them back up.
[director] So are you
looking forward to the rave?
This might sound awful, but I'm
hoping something kicks off.
That would make my night.
And then I'd get right
round his neck, right round.
So I'm sort of looking
forward to it, but I'm...
I'm a bit, you know...
Imagine a whole
warehouse of "them".
You hurt my collarbone, man.
You always take it too far.
Just got a bit excited, love.
-[knocking on door]
-Miche! Door!
No, I'm getting ready.
I thought you were supposed
to be gone already.
-Miche, there's a homeless
woman at the door.
-What? Shut the door then!
-Little twat.
-Whatever. Even Angel
says I'm better than you.
-I like your top.
-Thank you, darling.
So you sure you'll be able
to get the bus on your own?
Yeah, it's fine, cos Mum's
got to do my hair first.
All right, cool. Well,
you are on the VIP list, so...
-So you'll be right at the top.
-Could you put me down
as Lady Miche?
-Just cos that's my Twitter
name, so sounds classier.
-Yeah.
It does sound pretty classy,
yeah. All right, cool.
Well, um...Decoy's outside.
-Better go, cos he's downstairs
right now. See you later.
-Bye!
[singing] What's the other
one? There's a better one.
-Er, bad biggidy boy.
-[he sings]
Vocal warm-ups.
Mind out the way,
VIP coming through.
-Yeah, fuck off!
-See you in a bit, yeah?
All right, yeah.
Woo!
[dance music plays]
This is shit!
There's hardly anyone here.
It's half 11,
there's meant to be a
sea of people everywhere.
What the fuck
are we going to do?
[Nan] Don't you let that
little mug tell you what you
should do with your life.
If you want to do it,
you should just go for it.
Yeah, Yolo, but also you have
been divorced four times.
Oi, oi! Three times,
if you don't mind!
-We're talking about you.
-Yeah.
You don't need anybody, yeah?
Chelle, you are beautiful.
-Thanks, Mum.
-I'm going to call her.
-I'm just going to do it.
-Are you?
-Yeah.
-What, right now? All
right. I'll pour us a drink.
Go on, then.
Talk, like...
talk nice and everything.
-Yeah, I'll do my posh voice.
-Do your telephone voice!
-Oh, it's ringing.
-If it goes to answerphone,
put it down.
Hi, Tanya!
Oh, God, sorry.
Oh, did I wake you up?
Sorry, I'm drunk. I didn't
realise what time it was.
Yeah, well, I was just calling
to say that I will take the job.
We can talk about it more
tomorrow? Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, no problem. Yep.
No, sleep well. Yeah. No...
"Sleep well"! You just
woke her up, you prat!
[laughs]
-Cheers to the new job!
-To you, darling.
-To you and me.
-And Angel.
-And Angel.
-To Angel.
-And your new boyfriend?
-Yeah.
How was it when you
went to go and see him?
He's nice.
I mean, he's well fit. 18.
Really? Wow, that's
the youngest yet, isn't it?
Not really.
Where's...?
There's not even
a champagne bucket.
What...?
Excuse... Why is...?
Why is there people walking
through the VIP bit?
The toilet's
just there, mate.
That's ridiculous! It stinks!
-Do you know
if I'm meant to wipe them?
-What's that?
-Am I supposed to wipe them?
-Whatever you're comfortable
with, Steves.
-Tell them no shitting!
-No shitting. No shitting.
No shitting? All right.
Er...hello?
-I'm gonna go chat to Chabuds.
-Yeah, sort it out!
Sorry, mate.
Just to say that there's
actually a no-shitting rule now,
so if you've started,
just kind of clench.
Or just suck it back in.
-You all right?
-Not really.
-You got a bucket
for the champagne?
-I was going to give you that.
That's just a bucket.
Yeah, no, it's a gold
bucket, mate. Turn it round!
-It's a champagne bucket.
-Exactly!
Cheers, mate. You're the man,
bruv. See you in a bit.
Got the champagne bucket.
Fuck!
Can I get a water,
please, mate?
We don't actually
do waters, but, uh...
Actually, yeah, why not?
Um...
Waters are £3.
I can do you two for £5.
-You want them?
-Yeah, mate.
Two bottles of water, yeah?
Okay, two bottles of water.
-There we go, mate, that's £5.
-Cheers, mate.
Cheers.
We could call a few people,
get them to come down.
Nah, I ain't doing that!
That's just...
Do you know what?
This is all you, mate!
Cos you fucked up the promotion
by fucking off with Craig
on your little fishing trip!
Don't talk about Craig.
He's got a heart of gold.
"Don't talk about Craig," yeah?
I tell you what,
why don't you and Craig go
and fucking do a set to, like,
three, four people or whatever?
Cos I ain't fuckin' doing it.
Get the fuck out my way.
-You got a light, bruv?
-Yeah.
What's all this about, then?
They was meant to be filming
me MC-ing in there, but...
-Fuck off.
-What?
-You MC Grindah?
-Er, yeah.
-Mate, let me get a picture.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Aaron, you got your phone?
-Yeah.
-Throw your "K's" up as well.
-Yeah.
Get the champers in there.
Did you get that?
[director] Are you nervous
about telling Grindah
that you've taken the job?
I think I just need
to tell him he's wrong.
There's this thing
now on social media
and it's called feminism.
It's basically all about women,
you know, we're all equal, so...
why can't we wear
the trousers too?
Although, it does depend
on your physique.
Cos if you've got
an apple-shaped body,
then you need to conceal
the trunk and let your
legs do the talking.
Straggler.
Let's get out
of here, me and you.
Let's get out of this place.
-Can I just get
a cocktail, please?
-Yeah, no worries.
Start with a cocktail first.
Oh, whoa!
What you got there?
-The old Jack and Jills, is it?
-Yeah.
Fuck it, have one, innit?
-I'm all good.
-What, you don't get on it?
These ones are banging, mate.
Trust me. I ain't some mug!
No, I do get on it. I've got
this and I'll probably be
full off that.
I do do them,
obviously, but more after
the set if anything, so...
Oh, I'll have one.
Cheers, mate.
Oh, these ones, are they?
-All right.
-Oh, good.
-Did you take it?
-Yeah, I took it.
Give me another one, then,
if you don't believe me.
You actually want me
to do another one?
-Just do it, mate.
-Yeah, I will just do it.
On my tongue.
[dance music plays]
Steves! I'm just going to
see if I can find Grindah.
Cool, man.
Turn them out for me.
-All right, Roche?
-All right, Miche?
-How are you?
-Fine. You're looking lovely.
You too. Great.
So I'm on the VIP list.
Oh, that's all right,
there ain't a VIP list.
You can just go in.
So I'm down as Lady Miche
on the list.
No, there's no list,
you can just go in.
-Can I ask you a question?
-Okay.
What kind of guys do you
like to have sex with?
Ah, no worries.
Can I help you?
Decoy. Have you seen Grindah?
How was that for you?
All right? Do you want a
little zhoosh under the armpits?
Steves.
Put that roll-on down, mate,
we've got to find Grindah.
-There you go, mate.
All fresh, good to go.
-Steves!
Yeah. Sorry, man.
Oh, nice one! Sick.
Got anything in your
pockets or...?
-Roche, have you
seen Grindah?
-Oh, yeah.
He came out earlier.
He was all pouting and sulky.
I didn't see
where he went cos I was
dealing with these nonces.
What the fuck is
that on his head?
It's like a Shoreditch samurai.
Right, Steves, you do
a lap of the warehouse, yeah?
I'm going to hit
the high street.
Grindah!
Grindah!
-[Grindah groans]
-Oh, my God!
Grindah.
What's wrong?
-Oh, bruv...
-Bruv?
Fuck, it's pounding. My jaw's
all weird. I've taken a pill.
-You all right?
-I've never done one before.
-Oi, don't film me like this!
-Let's just sit you up.
-Sit me up where?
-Hug your knees.
That's a little technique
I've learned. Can you
feel that? How's that?
-That actually feels
better, actually.
-That's all right, innit?
Go on, just pop yourself up,
we're going to have
positive energy.
That's it, you're with friends.
Just hold onto me, that's it.
Positive energy. Positive
energy. That's all right.
That's all right.
Don't worry.
That's all right.
How's that now?
Eh? How's that now?
-That's better, innit?
-Ah, yeah, fucking...
That feels a lot
better, actually.
See that? That's all you needed,
just a little release there.
-Thanks for that.
-Cool, man.
-Where's Beats?
-You got a tissue?
This feels banging!
[dance music plays]
Right, Fanta, this is your
time to shine, brother.
-You've earned this. You ready?
-I'm ready, man.
Oh, wait. Grindah! Don't need
you now, pull back. Grindah!
Bruv, you all right?
-I'm fucking sick.
-Have you seen the crowd?
It's sick. They're all
here for me! Take one of these.
Do it! It's banging.
A little fan gave it to us.
-All right, fuck it. Living
la vida loca, yeah?
-Trust me though.
[Grindah] Who's ready inside
for the world famous...
best MC in the world,
MC Grindah, right now?
[Beats] Brentford's just
the start. After that,
the world is our oyster.
We got Plymouth,
Chinchester, yeah?
[Grindah] I mean, next thing
you know, probably get Ayia
Napa on the phone.
Like, "Oh, you
lot are killing it!
Do you want to come out
to Ayia Napa and we'll
pay you bare money,
fly you out, get you a
hotel, all-inclusive...
not necessarily all-inclusive
food but definitely
a breakfast buffet," like.
[Beats] Most important meal
of the day, innit?
♪ G-R-I-N-D, G-R-I-N-D ♪
♪ G-R-I-N-D, G-R-I-N-D
Baddest MC in the industry ♪
♪ B to the E to the A to the T
and the S and the yes,
and the we are the best! ♪
♪ B to the E to the A to the T
to the S and the yes
and the we are the best! ♪
♪ K to the U-R-P to the T
Kurupt FM is our family ♪
♪ K to the U-R-P to the T
Baddest MC in the industry ♪
♪ Who's that brother
with the blue suede shirt? ♪
♪ Who's that brother
with the blue suede shirt? ♪
♪ Avirex jacket,
Parsley shirt! ♪
♪ Who's that brother with
the blue suede shirt? ♪
♪ Who's that brother
with the blue suede shirt? ♪
♪ Avirex jacket,
Parsley shirt! ♪
One water please, babe.
For you, pretty lady,
I'll do you a special price.
£2 and you get
a free straw as well.
-Thanks so much!
-No, you're welcome.
Stevie, come on, mate.
-I'm going to DJ
in front of everyone.
-Selecta!
-Come on, Steves.
-Selecta!
♪ N-I-K-E, it's the brand
that I wear, you see ♪
-♪ It's A-double-D-I-D-A-S
-Are the trousers
that I possess ♪
♪ R-double-E-B-O to the K
R-double-E-B-O to the K ♪
♪ R-double-E-B-O to the K
That's the trainer
that I wear every day ♪
♪ When I say, you say,
we say, they say
Make some noise! ♪
♪ When I say, you say,
we say, they say
Make some noise! ♪
♪ When I say, you say,
we say, they say
Make some noise! ♪
♪ When I say, you say,
we say, they say
Make some noise! ♪
♪ Sit upon the riddim
when I sit up on the riddim! ♪
♪ Sit upon the riddim
when I sit up on the riddim! ♪
You've got a really nice face.
Thank you very much. You have
a beautiful face as well.
I like a woman
who's not afraid to sweat.
She's been up here ten times,
asking for "water". Right.
I think she's
sniffed out the fact that
this is my club, you know?
A classy lady
like that, she can smell
success from a mile, mate.
And right now,
I bloody reek of it.
♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪
♪ Wi' di riddim and the ride ♪
♪ All 'pon di riddim
in the roughneck style ♪
♪ Watch the man go cronk
Baby, badboy grind ♪
♪ When they come down
gonna sit down beside ♪
♪ Casual lickle girl
Suck me off then bounce ♪
♪ Yes, MC Grindah comes
back to fuck her! ♪
-All that ragga shit.
-I love that ragga shit.
I've got, like, a Jamaican soul,
so like...
♪ Don't matter, boy
I've got MC Grindah ♪
♪ Takin' the microphone
We're gonna be there ♪
♪ Who's then got the riddim
and they bust up the light? ♪
♪ On time, the Beats
His name down beside I ♪
Oh, my days! Hey! Hey, listen!
Miche, I sees ya!
Lady Miche, big up!
I see you, yeah?
You do everything for me.
You even put me before
your job and I fucking
love you for that.
My gorgeous son, Craig, is
somewhere in here with bare
girls, like getting noshed off.
-Slammin' the pussy.
-I sees ya, Craig.
Daddy sees ya.
[Grindah] Big it up!
Insane!
Whoa, gosh!
♪ Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! ♪
I'm going to do a stage dive!
I'm going to do
a fucking stage dive!
Grindah's going
to do a stage dive!
[cheering]
[Miche]
That is really amazing!!
They fucking loved me, yeah?
They worship me!
Look, I wanted to talk to you
about the whole job thing.
-What?
-The job thing.
Listen, don't worry about that.
Everything I said earlier,
yeah? Forget that.
You take that job.
That's you, cuz!
Oh, okay. I will then,
I'll take it.
Yeah. I was thinking,
yeah, being up there,
I feel like we could
do anything together!
We can, like, get on a plane
and just live in the hills
of Jamaica in a farm
-and get married, with a dog.
-Get married?
Ah, it's more the Jamaica
thing, not necessarily...
Are you proposing??
Uh... Sort of, like...
Yeah, fuck it! Why not? Uh...
Yeah, as long as we don't have
to get married for a long time,
-we might as well, innit?
-You going to kneel down?
-Yeah.
-So you just go down like that.
-Ah. It's quite intense.
-I do!
-What?
-I do!
Sick.
Aah!
Did you not see me
stage diving there?
Your face is so amazing.
Yeah, I actually moisturise
with almond butter.
[laughs]
Is your whole body soft?
Well, I'll tell you one part
of my body that isn't soft!
Don't go anywhere.
-Grindah.
-Yeah, man.
I'm sorry about
being defensive earlier.
It's cos of Craig and that,
like. You know what it's
like being a dad.
Don't even try that, brother.
I'm sorry, bruv.
Craig opened up to me the
other day. He called me Dad.
Are you serious?
Bruv, that's fucking sick!
-Yeah.
-Eh, come here,
you fucking sickhead.
Ah, man, that's what
I'm saying about you, man.
You know, I proposed to Miche
earlier, sort of like,
by mistake.
But I feel all
right for doing it.
That's amazing, man. That's
what it's about, though, innit?
-Yeah.
-It's about family and that.
It's true.
It's fucking true.
Always.
Hello, mate, there's
a no-shitting rule tonight
but apart from that...
This is what having your
own club does to people!
She can't bloody
get enough, mate!
Oh...
All right, mate?
Steves, can you do me a favour?
Can you take over the bar
for a minute?
-Yeah.
-I've pulled, mate! Yeah.
And I think, yeah...
I think she might be
really special, this one.
-She does seem nice, man.
-Yeah.
-Cheers, Stevie.
-Cool.
The return of the queen!
-What?
-Shall we boogie?
Let's boogie. Come on!
Abdi, back off, mate!
Abdi, you're too close!
-You all right?
-Yeah.
-Why are you so sweaty?
-I think it's cos I'm nervous.
-Roche...
-Yeah?
I need to tell you something.
Basically, Grindah
proposed to Michelle.
-Oh!
-And it made me think that...
maybe we should do the same.
That's very romantic.
Let's talk about it
tomorrow, eh, Kevin?
Nah, cos Craig called
me Dad this week.
And it made me think
that we're a family.
Maybe we could
be a proper family.
I love you, Roche.
Get up! You're only meant
to go on one knee, all right?
-Is it?
-If you still feel like it,
ask me tomorrow, yeah?
-Yeah, I definitely will.
-Okay, I look forward to that.
Yeah. All right?
Go and enjoy yourself, Romeo.
Safe.
Mate! I'm having
the sickest time.
Bruv, your jacket smells a
bit weird. Stay back a bit.
-I can't believe
we've done this, man.
-This is amazing!
Is your tummy still
feeling poorly?
Yeah, it still
hurts quite a lot.
How are your dark
thoughts getting on?
Get you all tucked in.
-I still feel pretty sad,
to be honest.
-Put your head up.
Oh, don't worry. I've got
something that'll cheer you up.
I knew you probably wouldn't
want to go out today,
so I just popped out
and I got a ring, so...
What? Ah, fuck!
Aww!
[Angel] Mummy!
-Here she is! Yay!
-I've got my dress on.
Me and Angel have been
practising, so, yeah.
-Can't believe that
we're engaged now.
-Congratulations!
-Oh, yeah. We don't...
-Keep holding them.
..necessarily
need to tell everyone
we're engaged, Miche.
People stay engaged for
a long time before they
actually tell anyone.
-Yeah.
-Can we just...talk
about this another time?
I'm feeling pretty sick,
to be honest.
Until next time, my queen!
Just promise me
one thing, baby.
Don't fall in love.
I'm damaged goods.
Oh, hey, guys. Come in.
[chuckles]
That's embarrassing, innit?
Bed's still unmade.
[sniffs]
What's that smell?
I'll tell you what that is,
that's the smell of sex.
With a little bit
of very basic foreplay.
[Roche] You all right?
[Beats] I think if I cough,
I might shit myself.
Oh!
There you go, that's for you.
Craig, man, you legend.
Thanks, man.
See you had a good time
last night, as well...
-chewing that bird's face off.
-What girl?
Yeah, she was all right.
Bit sweaty, though.
You guys done me proud
last night, man. Both of you.
You didn't do
too badly yourself.
'Ere, is there anything
you wanted to talk about today?
-No, not really.
-Nothing you wanted to ask me?
No.
You see, you see
what I said last night...
-Mmm?
-outside and...and that...
Yeah, don't worry, you twat,
I'm only joking!
Ah, fucking hell!
-Cos I was going to leave
today, like, just run.
-Were you?
-For a bit and then come back.
-Okay. [she laughs]
[Beats] Success means different
things to different people.
But, to me, success
isn't about money.
-It's about family
and love, innit?
-Nah.
[Grindah] Everyone's got
a family. We've got that
and the club night, so...
-Truesay.
-Yeah.
-We're quite inspirational,
really, innit?
-Yeah.
What I would say is if you're
watching this right now,
and you're feeling
bare inspired,
remember, MC Grindah
told you, you can achieve
anything you want in life.
-Anything.
-Well, not...
Within reason, obviously.
Be realistic about it.
[Beats] Do something that
you're probably already
quite good at,
-just make it easier.
-Yeah, exactly.
Set your goals low so that
you might be able
to achieve them.
No one likes a failure.