People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
[Grindah] ♪ Say if I was
Jesus... ♪
[Miche] You making your own
toast?!
It's easy. Just put
butter and that on it.
♪ With the mix with the lighter,
mix with the venom of a
what? Of a viper, it's MC
Grindah ♪
♪ Na-na-na. If I was Jesus,
I'd be mixing a lighter ♪
Yeah. Mixing "with" a lighter,
but that's still good.
-You seem chirpy today.
-Yeah, very chirpy, actually.
Let's just say, things
are gonna change around here.
What, are you gonna finish
doing them curtains?
They're fine. I've stuck 'em
up already with some tape on it.
Well, go on then,
what is it? Well...
I've gotta get something sorted,
but all I will say...
is that it is something
you've always dreamed of.
See you later, girls.
What?!
Has he said something to you?
I'm not taking you to school
until you tell me.
So many thoughts in my head
right now, it's just...
My mind is just seeing images,
you know?
It's like I can see the
future and I see potential.
-Shall we tell them?
-Go on.
Basically, I can
exclusively reveal
that Chabsie has opened up
his own nightclub,
and we are gonna be having
our own very first
club night, called...
the Kurupt FM
Champagne Steam Rooms.
-Grindah thought of the name.
Fucking genius.
-Yeah.
Just working on the flyers.
[Grindah] If you go about
promoting your night, right,
you're laughing, mate,
financially and physically.
I mean, start off small
and then you don't know
where you will end up.
It's not small,
it's gonna be big. It's gonna
be a massive, sold-out event.
-Oh, has it sold out?
-Not yet, but it will be
by the time this goes out.
-Stop...constantly.
-Sorry.
-Easy you, man. So today's
the first day of our...
-[Craig] Dad!
-..promotion campaign.
Hold on one sec.
-Hello?
-Craig, I'm here, son.
-He's on the phone.
The reception keeps cutting
out. I can't even hear you.
Give me the phone, Craig.
You are such a mess!
Why are you dressed
like a farmer?
It's not you who has to deal
with it now, is it? Oh, right.
Well, maybe next time just
don't get his hopes up
in the first place.
You should see his little face.
You should.
-It is little.
-[mobile bleeps off]
Sorry, love. He says he's got
some work he can't turn down.
Sure he'll take you
another time.
Maybe, um...
-I could take him if you want.
-Take him fishing?
-Yeah.
-Eh?
I've been waiting to do this
for so long, man!
Just me and you out
in mother's nature.
Just roaming the land.
Do you know what I mean?
Like two albino bears
in the woods.
Just like, making huts
out of mud
and drinking our own piss.
-What?
-Aren't you meant to be
doing something today?
Oh, fuck, yeah! Starting
the promotion's campaign.
Put it on ice. I'll call
Grindah. He'll understand.
He knows how much
you lot mean to me.
[Chabuds] What up?
Grindah, how you doing?
I hope you lot like it.
Oh, my God...
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
What's that in my hand?
I've actually added a bottle
of champagne by magic.
Mini champers on the page,
classy.
That's me there at the bottom.
Face a little bit covered.
Chill out, mate.
It's not all about you.
Okay, listen, boys,
I was going to ask, Deckie.
Is it all right if you
give me a hand setting
up the club night and that?
-What have I got to go do?
-Just a bit of light
building work.
No worries. It's all good.
He don't mind.
You boys okay with doing
the promo side of things?
Of course, mate. Trust me,
mate. Me and Steves, yeah,
we on this team spreading
the word like chlamydia.
-The dream team!
-Fuck Beats, innit?
-Fuck Beats!
-Fuck him.
We're gonna be all over
Brentford estate.
Everyone's gonna know.
-Champagne Steam Rooms...
-Oh, for fuck's sake!
There's a hole in my bag.
-Let's hurry up, yeah.
-Sorry.
Has anyone got any jaffa tape?
There you go, son.
About to hit the road.
Bit of fishing.
Oh, I love fishing.
There's no room in the boot
cos of these fucking speakers!
-You're definitely up for this?
-Yeah, hundred per cently.
I spoke to Grindah.
He was a little bit fuming,
but that's what it's about,
innit? Sacrifice.
And right now, I need
to take my son fishing.
-I am not your son.
-Stepson.
And I'm his guardian, and right
now he needs me to guard him.
[speakers pump out
loud drum and bass]
It's this thing.
See you later.
See you fannies in a bit.
Kuruption! 108.9!
I hope he was joking about
drinking his own piss earlier.
Wouldn't put it past him.
-Bit of a mad morning for me,
really, Angela.
-Really. What's been going on?
It's Grindah, yeah. He was
acting a bit weird this morning,
like sort of suspicious.
-What do you think it is?
-I literally don't even know.
Basically, he just said it was
something I always dreamed of.
What have you always dreamed of?
I do want to get a hot-tub,
but our bathroom's tiny, so...
We've just got a bath.
Oh, my God! Do you think that
maybe he's going to
propose to me?
Cos we have been together
for, like, six years now, so...
That would be amazing.
I hope it is that, Miche.
-What do you think?!
-What? Like, I dunno, really.
-What's happening?
-Basically, me and Angela think
that my boyfriend's
about to propose, so...
-No, I was just saying maybe--
-Oh! Congratulations!
-Little Miche, getting married!
-Oh, thank you!
-About time.
-Oh, God! This is mad, innit?
Amazing! I love a wedding.
Nah, I'm not annoyed at Beats.
Like, doing the promotion
is something I'm probably
more suited for,
my natural charisma,
do you know what I mean?
Like, if he wants to do stuff
for his family that's
fair enough.
Plus I had a go at him earlier,
so I got it out of my system.
I'll show you how it's done.
Hello, girl. Do you want
to come to a rave?
-No, thank you.
-No?
-Excuse me, do want to come
to a Kurupt FM rave?
-No, I'm all right, thanks.
Not with me! I meant, do you
want to come to my rave?
Kurupt FM rave?
-Hello. Thank you.
-Thank you.
Are you into garage music?
Yeah, is it?
-Steves mate!
-No, I mean, everyone's welcome.
Steves mate, come here.
-What the fuck are you doing?
-You said give 'em to everyone.
Not everyone. They're
not even into garage.
Sorry, you're actually barred.
Don't talk to people any more.
I'm going to hit the shops up,
so I can really connect
with people, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I'll see you in a bit.
That's what I mean, man!
I've got my own club now.
I'm basically Tony Soprano.
Decki, Decki.
Decki, Decki. Chins up.
Decki!
Right, this is my super-club,
you know?
My plan is to actually have
the champagne cocktail bar here.
I want to use real sand
and inflatable palm trees,
you know what I mean?
So I made this flow chart.
This is a few ideas I've
got for the club.
-So you're gonna build it
out of this stuff here?
-Yeah, you know me, man?
Never underestimate the power
of spray painting things gold.
It triples the value instantly,
yeah. Check this out.
A bucket. It's a normal
bucket, yeah? Now wait.
Instant champagne bucket.
-You still in London
when you're in Zone 6?
-Yeah.
You see this? The soil
is actually fertile,
which means that it's a good
area for animals to eat.
You can tell, there's a lot
of footprints around here.
-So there's been a lot
of activity. Fertile mud.
-Hurry up, man!
Oh, well done.
You found the water source.
See that?
That's your water source
right there.
Follow that upstream,
whenever in doubt,
to find the nearest
settlement of locals
that will help you escape
to your nearest helicopter
evacuation point.
Let's go!
Do they have prawn
in there, Craig?
Nature. Could be anywhere
in the world right now,
do you know what I mean?
Thank you so much
for helping me, man.
It's tough doing stuff
on your own, you know?
-Being alone.
-It's cool, man.
Don't worry about it.
Have you ever had your
heart broken, Decoy?
What? No, not really.
I mean...
I never thought it would
have happened to me.
In the beginning,
me and Aldona...
our sexual chemistry was just
so intense, you know
what I mean?
[sighs] We did some crazy
stuff together, you know.
I mean, she was never
really into full sex, but...
we did other stuff, man,
really disgusting,
really filthy stuff, you know.
-Even confusing at times.
-Shall we just get on with this?
Let's crack on, come on.
No worries.
Stop, stop, stop. Look.
Just grab it, grab it.
Look, unhook this.
Put your finger on there.
Right, now keep it low as well,
cos it's a small river.
And then just, as you swing
it round, release your
finger, like that.
-Then lock this thing
back in place, okay?
-Okay.
So gently...bam!
Release it, release it!
And then just,
relax it down there.
You see that? Man's
catching fish out here.
-Shall a splash the water
to attract them?
-No, don't do that.
Oh, fucking hell, man!
Should have warn the high-tops,
innit, Craig?
Fucked up my workouts.
You're not supposed to splash.
It'll scare them off.
How do you know so much
about fish?
You're like that, um,
that little kid in Free Willy.
Do you think if SeaWorld hadn't
trained Free Willy to jump
so high,
he wouldn't have been
able to escape?
-What?!
-I know. It's a proper
head fuck, innit?
Excuse me. Excuse me!
You just dropped a flyer, mate!
-You just dropped a flyer.
-I don't want it, bruv.
Excuse me, mate. Can I put
these up in your window?
Hello, mate. Can I put this
in your window for a rave?
No, sorry, mate.
No, sorry.
"No, sorry." Well, don't think
you'll be let in on the night.
I'll remember your face.
Just finish that off, yeah.
-Excuse me.
-Sorry.
Great.
[Miche] I've been planning
my wedding since the
day I was born.
I just don't stop thinking
about it, just like
any girl does.
And I think, I just want
something simple on a beach
somewhere with white sand.
Ideally, I'd like to have
some white ponies involved,
cos I think that's beautiful.
They're graceful animals and
they represent love to me.
Yes, I'll probably just,
you know, go to the Bahamas
and have a sort of bare-foot
wedding on the beach,
or something like that.
Stay in one of those
well-nice hotels,
where they fold your towel
into a little swan or a monkey.
-That'd be amazing!
-Your boyfriend will
get there one day, so...
-Oh, thank you.
-..no need to worry.
Oh, my God!
Just everyone act natural.
-Do I look all right?
-Oh, yeah, you look really nice.
-He's waiting. Go on, go!
-All right.
Give us the broom, Cinderella!
Penny's dropped finally.
They've copped on to
who I am, yeah?
-It's me. Yeah!
-You all right?
Yeah. To be honest,
I had a bit of a mare today.
But you know that thing
I was talking about earlier.
-You're gonna say it here?
-What?
-The thing you were
talking about earlier.
-Yeah. So, basically...
Oh, my God.
Kurupt FM are having
our own club night!
-So was that the thing you were
going to tell me earlier?
-Yeah.
You don't seem... It's my face!
I was gonna see if you could
pop it in the shop window.
So everyone can see it.
The other shops have been
mugging me off, recently.
-I'll probably need to check
with my boss.
-Yeah, she'll be fine.
-MC Grindah.
-Well, I'll see you later.
Yeah, yeah, cool.
All right. Sweet.
See you in a bit, yeah?
-Go on, what did he say?
-Oh, no, nothing, like...
He'll probably just, you
know, do it tonight, so...
Oh, a wedding! I'm so excited!
I love a wedding! Do you
love a wedding?
-You look really good together.
-Oh, thank you.
-Like, really cute.
-Oh, yeah. You're gonna
look amazing, Miche.
Got to get quicker with
the tape mechanism.
Get one for the postman as well.
If you post a flyer with
a little bit of tape on it,
then it will actually stick
to a letter and it will go
anywhere in the UK.
You don't even know where it's
gonna go. You're basically
flyering all over the UK.
[director] So did you put a lot
of the flyers in post boxes?
Yeah, I put most of the flyers
in post boxes, yeah.
I'll build a little Buju Banton.
Don't tell your mum if
I let you have some of this.
No, no, no. Of course.
Man code, innit?
Exactly.
I do feel like his dad, yeah.
I'm schooling him
about girls and life...
and that now, so,
yeah, definitely.
Just give it a little tap down.
He's never called me
"Dad" to my face,
but I know, in his heart,
he wants to call me "Dad".
I can feel it, d'you
know what I mean?
I think we nailed it, brother.
Just imagine, this place
is gonna be infested
with the high-society
crème de la crème-lelle
of Brentford's most
beautiful women,
will be in here,
spending their money.
High-fliers just waiting for
the right guy to come along.
Am I right?
Yeah, man. Cool.
Decki, I bet you get a lot
of chicks though, innit?
-You must be smashing it hard.
-No, not really, man.
Any spares you've got going,
send 'em my way, man.
Not a problem, brother.
Cos I reckon we're similar
types, me and you.
Two peas in a pod, you know?
Both obviously exotic.
Both got the lovely
cocoa butter skin.
-Obviously, the voluptuous lips,
you know? Both bi.
-Bi?
Er, like, bi-racial,
you know? Mixed race.
Cos I'm mixed race, as well.
-I'm half Pakistani,
half Indian.
-Yeah!
[they laugh]
Is that funny?
Oh, yeah! I guess I am
pretty... Jokes, yeah? So...
Oh, man! This is great banter,
Decoy, man.
We should chill more often,
man. What's your number?
I'll give you a call, man.
-I'm going to be off, man.
-It's cool, man.
We've caught one fish
in, like, time.
I reckon if I wade,
just catch 'em.
-I'm stuck in quicksand.
-It's cool. I've got it.
When sleeping in the wild,
you wanna be elevated
off the ground.
Cos predators...
You're an easy catch,
specially if there's bears
or mountain lions.
So best thing to do is
be propelled up.
-Bye, you lot. See you later.
-Ooh, hold on, hold on!
[cheering and applause]
Just a little something from
us to say good luck tonight.
Oh, wow! Thank you. I mean,
he might not even do it, so...
We might have to think about
taking you on permanent
contract,
now you've got a wedding
to save up for. Trial
period's nearly up.
That'll be amazing.
Thank you, everyone!
-You must be so excited!
-Yeah.
I can't wait to see
the ring tomorrow.
Just overwhelmed, aren't you?
Look at her little face.
She's overwhelmed.
-Look at her. Ah!
-Oh, yeah.
Well, I want every detail
tomorrow. Yeah, girls?
We want to know all about it.
Have a lovely evening.
-Good luck!
-Bye!
Start planning outfits.
I love a wedding.
Gonna have to buy
a fascinator.
Yeah. It's gonna be
such a great night for her.
[Grindah raps]
Are we gonna do
that advert soon?
Are you lot ready
for this bit, yeah?
Trust me. Graveyard adverts
are like the pinnacle of
why people go to raves, innit?
You don't need to be flyering
and all that bollocks.
If they listen to this,
they'll want to go.
-Jamaican Dutch.
Don't fuck it up.
-No, I've got it.
♪ Kurupt FM proudly presents
the Champagne Steam Rooms
sessions! ♪
♪ The finest in old school
garage and drum and bass
sounds ♪
♪ Tickets will be available
on the door... ♪
Steves, that's not... You
need to be more Jamaican Dutch.
Do it like Beats does it.
♪ Tickets will be available on
the door or via the Worldwide
Internet Cabin Café! ♪
Still... That's too Dutch, if
anything. You're not getting it.
-♪ In arena... ♪
-There's no arenas!
That's... It's one room.
[mobile bleeps]
Is that...someone that wants
to go to the rave?
No, it's just...
Chabuds wants Decoy's number.
Sort of good that we only
got one fish, really.
Cos this is fucking long.
Ever thrown a deodorant
can in a fire before?
Yeah, course. Me and Grindah
invented that shit.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Have you got
any deodorant cans?
-Not on me, no.
There you go.
Fry, little Nemo.
Look at that. Chargrilled.
It's nice of your mum to
have packed this for us, so
we didn't go hungry and that.
Here you go, Craig.
I can't do this, man.
I might go supermarché.
-Shall I go?
-Yeah.
Yeah? Sick, man!
There's one up the road.
-All right?
-All right?
When's Beats coming back?
Cos his phone's off.
He's probably just got
shit reception where he his.
I'm sure they're fine.
-But I'll let him know you
were asking after him.
-All right, sweet.
Not in a weird way or anything.
Just...
Obviously, cos of the promo
thing, he might wanna know
what's going on.
-It's his fault as well.
-All right, well...
-I'll let him know.
-Cool, cool.
It's just that I've been
having a pretty rough time...
-All right, see you later.
-See you later.
Mm!
I love watching you eat.
Bought you a little present
as well.
There you go.
Happy days.
-All right?
-All right?
-I've had the longest day, like.
-Have you?
Yeah. What's this?
Prosessio? Prosessi-ya-yo?
Is that...
for the club night, for me?
-Yeah...
-Least someone thinks about me.
-See what I mean?
-Yeah. Cos it's called
Champagne Steam Rooms, so...
I thought you'd probably
want some...champagne.
Champagne! Ah! That's
fucking clever as well.
-What's that as well?
-Oh, that's just a garnish.
Yeah, stylish.
[sighs] Thanks, Miche.
Sometimes it's just
the little things in life
-that keep you going.
-Yeah.
You know?
-Right, you ready?
-Yeah.
-Shall I throw it?
-Yeah.
-[hissing]
-It's gonna blow.
Woah! Fucking hell!
-That looked sick.
-That was sick, innit?
It's like a firework,
but more fragrant.
-Yeah.
-Sick.
Ah!
-There you go.
-Cheers, Dad.
Cheers, son.
I fucking love fishing.
Where do you think you're going?
Come on, come on,
spill the beans!
-Come on...
-Show it! Show it! Show it!
Oh, my word! It's so nice!
No, it's actually
really thoughtful, yeah.
It's literally the one
I wanted, so, yeah.
-So tell us everything.
How did he propose?
-Oh, how did he propose?
Well, basically,
he got down on one knee
and then he just, you know,
looked up and he said,
-"Will you marry me?"
-Oh! Was it romantic?
God, yeah, it was so romantic.
Cos then everyone
just started clapping.
-Where were you?
-God, where were we?
-Yeah... We were in a shop.
-Oh, which shop, which shop?
-Details!
-Which shop, yeah?
-We were in Morrison's, yeah.
-Oh!
Cos that's where we do
our weekly shop, so, yeah,
just really meant something to
us. We were in the tins aisle.
-Oh, are you made up, Miche?
-Yeah.
Looks gorgeous. Look at
your lovely, dainty hands.
Wedding! I love a wedding.
Right, we need to get you
under the dryer, missus.
-You all right
with the bags, mate?
-Yeah.
-Roche!
-Here they are!
-Aah!
-How was your night in the wild,
also known as Uxbridge?
Yeah, never been
to Zone 6 before.
So it was an experience,
trust me.
-There you go, son.
-Cheers.
I see myself as a dad,
yeah. It's funny, innit?
Cos obviously it
didn't come out of me.
I'm actually more mature
in my fashion sense as well.
Obviously, you can tell
with the fleece.
I bought this when I moved in.
This is a more mature look.
So it's what a dad would wear.
I'm going more "Dad", even
fashion-based now these days.
-Tell her what you caught, son.
-Oh, it wasn't anything.
Just a tiddler really.
Fishing weren't that good
round that part of the river.
We still had a good laugh
though, innit?
[director] Does Beats have
his priorities stretched?
It's a bit irresponsible the way
he's, "Oh, I've got to do
my family and that."
Beats should just be on point,
radio, radio, radio.
That should be his life, cos
one day it's gonna make him a
millionaire off the back of me.
Right, Kurupt FM radio meeting.
24th of the... Like, whatever
the date is, basically.
Deckie, my brother!
-Full house!
-Ah, Mr Beats.
Glad you could join us, finally.
-What's happening, man?
-Nothing's happening.
Go and take your post.
Right, the promotions,
obviously, ain't been
working, yeah?
So we've got to think of
another way of attacking people.
[Steves] I think I've
got something, actually.
Subliminal messages
in the music.
Lot of use that is, mate!
Just shut up!
Quiet down, man.
Mm. I was thinking
more of you, mate,
-as you've done nothing
to the promotions so far.
-Yeah.
[Grindah] Basically, yeah, if
you want to promote yourself,
you've got to be out there.
On the ground, like,
handing out flyers,
telling people what you're
about, showing them that
you're a bad boy MC.
If we want people to love you,
then put the effort in.
Don't just fuck about with
your family all day.
-[drum and bass plays]
-♪ Champagne Steam Rooms!
♪ Is the session!
11th of April! ♪
♪ In the dimension! ♪
Beats, mate! Beats, mate!
Come on, hurry up!
Those people there!
Those people there!
As many people
as possible, mate!
[he raps]
[Grindah] Easy brother, hold
tight the Brentford mandem!
-Can I get back in the wheels?
-Just gonna spin it round
one more time, all right?
There are so many things
in my life, you know, uh,
perfume, weapons,
peanut dust.
But the hardest thing to
sell is humans.
Like being
at the beach, innit?
Not like in a human trafficking
way, that's pretty easy
with the right connections.
But like selling yourself,
self-promotion.
The boys are out there
right now on the streets
and they're selling themselves
and I'm proud of them.
-Is it a rave, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, it's our rave.
-They fucking love it!
-The whole of Brentford
loves it!
They're just staring at me!
They love it. Everyone's
looking at me!
♪ Hold tight the
Brentford crew insane! ♪
♪ I sees ya! Remember,
remember, the 11th of April! ♪
♪ It's the Champagne
Steam Rooms session!
It's gonna be a slammer! ♪
Jesus... ♪
[Miche] You making your own
toast?!
It's easy. Just put
butter and that on it.
♪ With the mix with the lighter,
mix with the venom of a
what? Of a viper, it's MC
Grindah ♪
♪ Na-na-na. If I was Jesus,
I'd be mixing a lighter ♪
Yeah. Mixing "with" a lighter,
but that's still good.
-You seem chirpy today.
-Yeah, very chirpy, actually.
Let's just say, things
are gonna change around here.
What, are you gonna finish
doing them curtains?
They're fine. I've stuck 'em
up already with some tape on it.
Well, go on then,
what is it? Well...
I've gotta get something sorted,
but all I will say...
is that it is something
you've always dreamed of.
See you later, girls.
What?!
Has he said something to you?
I'm not taking you to school
until you tell me.
So many thoughts in my head
right now, it's just...
My mind is just seeing images,
you know?
It's like I can see the
future and I see potential.
-Shall we tell them?
-Go on.
Basically, I can
exclusively reveal
that Chabsie has opened up
his own nightclub,
and we are gonna be having
our own very first
club night, called...
the Kurupt FM
Champagne Steam Rooms.
-Grindah thought of the name.
Fucking genius.
-Yeah.
Just working on the flyers.
[Grindah] If you go about
promoting your night, right,
you're laughing, mate,
financially and physically.
I mean, start off small
and then you don't know
where you will end up.
It's not small,
it's gonna be big. It's gonna
be a massive, sold-out event.
-Oh, has it sold out?
-Not yet, but it will be
by the time this goes out.
-Stop...constantly.
-Sorry.
-Easy you, man. So today's
the first day of our...
-[Craig] Dad!
-..promotion campaign.
Hold on one sec.
-Hello?
-Craig, I'm here, son.
-He's on the phone.
The reception keeps cutting
out. I can't even hear you.
Give me the phone, Craig.
You are such a mess!
Why are you dressed
like a farmer?
It's not you who has to deal
with it now, is it? Oh, right.
Well, maybe next time just
don't get his hopes up
in the first place.
You should see his little face.
You should.
-It is little.
-[mobile bleeps off]
Sorry, love. He says he's got
some work he can't turn down.
Sure he'll take you
another time.
Maybe, um...
-I could take him if you want.
-Take him fishing?
-Yeah.
-Eh?
I've been waiting to do this
for so long, man!
Just me and you out
in mother's nature.
Just roaming the land.
Do you know what I mean?
Like two albino bears
in the woods.
Just like, making huts
out of mud
and drinking our own piss.
-What?
-Aren't you meant to be
doing something today?
Oh, fuck, yeah! Starting
the promotion's campaign.
Put it on ice. I'll call
Grindah. He'll understand.
He knows how much
you lot mean to me.
[Chabuds] What up?
Grindah, how you doing?
I hope you lot like it.
Oh, my God...
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
What's that in my hand?
I've actually added a bottle
of champagne by magic.
Mini champers on the page,
classy.
That's me there at the bottom.
Face a little bit covered.
Chill out, mate.
It's not all about you.
Okay, listen, boys,
I was going to ask, Deckie.
Is it all right if you
give me a hand setting
up the club night and that?
-What have I got to go do?
-Just a bit of light
building work.
No worries. It's all good.
He don't mind.
You boys okay with doing
the promo side of things?
Of course, mate. Trust me,
mate. Me and Steves, yeah,
we on this team spreading
the word like chlamydia.
-The dream team!
-Fuck Beats, innit?
-Fuck Beats!
-Fuck him.
We're gonna be all over
Brentford estate.
Everyone's gonna know.
-Champagne Steam Rooms...
-Oh, for fuck's sake!
There's a hole in my bag.
-Let's hurry up, yeah.
-Sorry.
Has anyone got any jaffa tape?
There you go, son.
About to hit the road.
Bit of fishing.
Oh, I love fishing.
There's no room in the boot
cos of these fucking speakers!
-You're definitely up for this?
-Yeah, hundred per cently.
I spoke to Grindah.
He was a little bit fuming,
but that's what it's about,
innit? Sacrifice.
And right now, I need
to take my son fishing.
-I am not your son.
-Stepson.
And I'm his guardian, and right
now he needs me to guard him.
[speakers pump out
loud drum and bass]
It's this thing.
See you later.
See you fannies in a bit.
Kuruption! 108.9!
I hope he was joking about
drinking his own piss earlier.
Wouldn't put it past him.
-Bit of a mad morning for me,
really, Angela.
-Really. What's been going on?
It's Grindah, yeah. He was
acting a bit weird this morning,
like sort of suspicious.
-What do you think it is?
-I literally don't even know.
Basically, he just said it was
something I always dreamed of.
What have you always dreamed of?
I do want to get a hot-tub,
but our bathroom's tiny, so...
We've just got a bath.
Oh, my God! Do you think that
maybe he's going to
propose to me?
Cos we have been together
for, like, six years now, so...
That would be amazing.
I hope it is that, Miche.
-What do you think?!
-What? Like, I dunno, really.
-What's happening?
-Basically, me and Angela think
that my boyfriend's
about to propose, so...
-No, I was just saying maybe--
-Oh! Congratulations!
-Little Miche, getting married!
-Oh, thank you!
-About time.
-Oh, God! This is mad, innit?
Amazing! I love a wedding.
Nah, I'm not annoyed at Beats.
Like, doing the promotion
is something I'm probably
more suited for,
my natural charisma,
do you know what I mean?
Like, if he wants to do stuff
for his family that's
fair enough.
Plus I had a go at him earlier,
so I got it out of my system.
I'll show you how it's done.
Hello, girl. Do you want
to come to a rave?
-No, thank you.
-No?
-Excuse me, do want to come
to a Kurupt FM rave?
-No, I'm all right, thanks.
Not with me! I meant, do you
want to come to my rave?
Kurupt FM rave?
-Hello. Thank you.
-Thank you.
Are you into garage music?
Yeah, is it?
-Steves mate!
-No, I mean, everyone's welcome.
Steves mate, come here.
-What the fuck are you doing?
-You said give 'em to everyone.
Not everyone. They're
not even into garage.
Sorry, you're actually barred.
Don't talk to people any more.
I'm going to hit the shops up,
so I can really connect
with people, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I'll see you in a bit.
That's what I mean, man!
I've got my own club now.
I'm basically Tony Soprano.
Decki, Decki.
Decki, Decki. Chins up.
Decki!
Right, this is my super-club,
you know?
My plan is to actually have
the champagne cocktail bar here.
I want to use real sand
and inflatable palm trees,
you know what I mean?
So I made this flow chart.
This is a few ideas I've
got for the club.
-So you're gonna build it
out of this stuff here?
-Yeah, you know me, man?
Never underestimate the power
of spray painting things gold.
It triples the value instantly,
yeah. Check this out.
A bucket. It's a normal
bucket, yeah? Now wait.
Instant champagne bucket.
-You still in London
when you're in Zone 6?
-Yeah.
You see this? The soil
is actually fertile,
which means that it's a good
area for animals to eat.
You can tell, there's a lot
of footprints around here.
-So there's been a lot
of activity. Fertile mud.
-Hurry up, man!
Oh, well done.
You found the water source.
See that?
That's your water source
right there.
Follow that upstream,
whenever in doubt,
to find the nearest
settlement of locals
that will help you escape
to your nearest helicopter
evacuation point.
Let's go!
Do they have prawn
in there, Craig?
Nature. Could be anywhere
in the world right now,
do you know what I mean?
Thank you so much
for helping me, man.
It's tough doing stuff
on your own, you know?
-Being alone.
-It's cool, man.
Don't worry about it.
Have you ever had your
heart broken, Decoy?
What? No, not really.
I mean...
I never thought it would
have happened to me.
In the beginning,
me and Aldona...
our sexual chemistry was just
so intense, you know
what I mean?
[sighs] We did some crazy
stuff together, you know.
I mean, she was never
really into full sex, but...
we did other stuff, man,
really disgusting,
really filthy stuff, you know.
-Even confusing at times.
-Shall we just get on with this?
Let's crack on, come on.
No worries.
Stop, stop, stop. Look.
Just grab it, grab it.
Look, unhook this.
Put your finger on there.
Right, now keep it low as well,
cos it's a small river.
And then just, as you swing
it round, release your
finger, like that.
-Then lock this thing
back in place, okay?
-Okay.
So gently...bam!
Release it, release it!
And then just,
relax it down there.
You see that? Man's
catching fish out here.
-Shall a splash the water
to attract them?
-No, don't do that.
Oh, fucking hell, man!
Should have warn the high-tops,
innit, Craig?
Fucked up my workouts.
You're not supposed to splash.
It'll scare them off.
How do you know so much
about fish?
You're like that, um,
that little kid in Free Willy.
Do you think if SeaWorld hadn't
trained Free Willy to jump
so high,
he wouldn't have been
able to escape?
-What?!
-I know. It's a proper
head fuck, innit?
Excuse me. Excuse me!
You just dropped a flyer, mate!
-You just dropped a flyer.
-I don't want it, bruv.
Excuse me, mate. Can I put
these up in your window?
Hello, mate. Can I put this
in your window for a rave?
No, sorry, mate.
No, sorry.
"No, sorry." Well, don't think
you'll be let in on the night.
I'll remember your face.
Just finish that off, yeah.
-Excuse me.
-Sorry.
Great.
[Miche] I've been planning
my wedding since the
day I was born.
I just don't stop thinking
about it, just like
any girl does.
And I think, I just want
something simple on a beach
somewhere with white sand.
Ideally, I'd like to have
some white ponies involved,
cos I think that's beautiful.
They're graceful animals and
they represent love to me.
Yes, I'll probably just,
you know, go to the Bahamas
and have a sort of bare-foot
wedding on the beach,
or something like that.
Stay in one of those
well-nice hotels,
where they fold your towel
into a little swan or a monkey.
-That'd be amazing!
-Your boyfriend will
get there one day, so...
-Oh, thank you.
-..no need to worry.
Oh, my God!
Just everyone act natural.
-Do I look all right?
-Oh, yeah, you look really nice.
-He's waiting. Go on, go!
-All right.
Give us the broom, Cinderella!
Penny's dropped finally.
They've copped on to
who I am, yeah?
-It's me. Yeah!
-You all right?
Yeah. To be honest,
I had a bit of a mare today.
But you know that thing
I was talking about earlier.
-You're gonna say it here?
-What?
-The thing you were
talking about earlier.
-Yeah. So, basically...
Oh, my God.
Kurupt FM are having
our own club night!
-So was that the thing you were
going to tell me earlier?
-Yeah.
You don't seem... It's my face!
I was gonna see if you could
pop it in the shop window.
So everyone can see it.
The other shops have been
mugging me off, recently.
-I'll probably need to check
with my boss.
-Yeah, she'll be fine.
-MC Grindah.
-Well, I'll see you later.
Yeah, yeah, cool.
All right. Sweet.
See you in a bit, yeah?
-Go on, what did he say?
-Oh, no, nothing, like...
He'll probably just, you
know, do it tonight, so...
Oh, a wedding! I'm so excited!
I love a wedding! Do you
love a wedding?
-You look really good together.
-Oh, thank you.
-Like, really cute.
-Oh, yeah. You're gonna
look amazing, Miche.
Got to get quicker with
the tape mechanism.
Get one for the postman as well.
If you post a flyer with
a little bit of tape on it,
then it will actually stick
to a letter and it will go
anywhere in the UK.
You don't even know where it's
gonna go. You're basically
flyering all over the UK.
[director] So did you put a lot
of the flyers in post boxes?
Yeah, I put most of the flyers
in post boxes, yeah.
I'll build a little Buju Banton.
Don't tell your mum if
I let you have some of this.
No, no, no. Of course.
Man code, innit?
Exactly.
I do feel like his dad, yeah.
I'm schooling him
about girls and life...
and that now, so,
yeah, definitely.
Just give it a little tap down.
He's never called me
"Dad" to my face,
but I know, in his heart,
he wants to call me "Dad".
I can feel it, d'you
know what I mean?
I think we nailed it, brother.
Just imagine, this place
is gonna be infested
with the high-society
crème de la crème-lelle
of Brentford's most
beautiful women,
will be in here,
spending their money.
High-fliers just waiting for
the right guy to come along.
Am I right?
Yeah, man. Cool.
Decki, I bet you get a lot
of chicks though, innit?
-You must be smashing it hard.
-No, not really, man.
Any spares you've got going,
send 'em my way, man.
Not a problem, brother.
Cos I reckon we're similar
types, me and you.
Two peas in a pod, you know?
Both obviously exotic.
Both got the lovely
cocoa butter skin.
-Obviously, the voluptuous lips,
you know? Both bi.
-Bi?
Er, like, bi-racial,
you know? Mixed race.
Cos I'm mixed race, as well.
-I'm half Pakistani,
half Indian.
-Yeah!
[they laugh]
Is that funny?
Oh, yeah! I guess I am
pretty... Jokes, yeah? So...
Oh, man! This is great banter,
Decoy, man.
We should chill more often,
man. What's your number?
I'll give you a call, man.
-I'm going to be off, man.
-It's cool, man.
We've caught one fish
in, like, time.
I reckon if I wade,
just catch 'em.
-I'm stuck in quicksand.
-It's cool. I've got it.
When sleeping in the wild,
you wanna be elevated
off the ground.
Cos predators...
You're an easy catch,
specially if there's bears
or mountain lions.
So best thing to do is
be propelled up.
-Bye, you lot. See you later.
-Ooh, hold on, hold on!
[cheering and applause]
Just a little something from
us to say good luck tonight.
Oh, wow! Thank you. I mean,
he might not even do it, so...
We might have to think about
taking you on permanent
contract,
now you've got a wedding
to save up for. Trial
period's nearly up.
That'll be amazing.
Thank you, everyone!
-You must be so excited!
-Yeah.
I can't wait to see
the ring tomorrow.
Just overwhelmed, aren't you?
Look at her little face.
She's overwhelmed.
-Look at her. Ah!
-Oh, yeah.
Well, I want every detail
tomorrow. Yeah, girls?
We want to know all about it.
Have a lovely evening.
-Good luck!
-Bye!
Start planning outfits.
I love a wedding.
Gonna have to buy
a fascinator.
Yeah. It's gonna be
such a great night for her.
[Grindah raps]
Are we gonna do
that advert soon?
Are you lot ready
for this bit, yeah?
Trust me. Graveyard adverts
are like the pinnacle of
why people go to raves, innit?
You don't need to be flyering
and all that bollocks.
If they listen to this,
they'll want to go.
-Jamaican Dutch.
Don't fuck it up.
-No, I've got it.
♪ Kurupt FM proudly presents
the Champagne Steam Rooms
sessions! ♪
♪ The finest in old school
garage and drum and bass
sounds ♪
♪ Tickets will be available
on the door... ♪
Steves, that's not... You
need to be more Jamaican Dutch.
Do it like Beats does it.
♪ Tickets will be available on
the door or via the Worldwide
Internet Cabin Café! ♪
Still... That's too Dutch, if
anything. You're not getting it.
-♪ In arena... ♪
-There's no arenas!
That's... It's one room.
[mobile bleeps]
Is that...someone that wants
to go to the rave?
No, it's just...
Chabuds wants Decoy's number.
Sort of good that we only
got one fish, really.
Cos this is fucking long.
Ever thrown a deodorant
can in a fire before?
Yeah, course. Me and Grindah
invented that shit.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Have you got
any deodorant cans?
-Not on me, no.
There you go.
Fry, little Nemo.
Look at that. Chargrilled.
It's nice of your mum to
have packed this for us, so
we didn't go hungry and that.
Here you go, Craig.
I can't do this, man.
I might go supermarché.
-Shall I go?
-Yeah.
Yeah? Sick, man!
There's one up the road.
-All right?
-All right?
When's Beats coming back?
Cos his phone's off.
He's probably just got
shit reception where he his.
I'm sure they're fine.
-But I'll let him know you
were asking after him.
-All right, sweet.
Not in a weird way or anything.
Just...
Obviously, cos of the promo
thing, he might wanna know
what's going on.
-It's his fault as well.
-All right, well...
-I'll let him know.
-Cool, cool.
It's just that I've been
having a pretty rough time...
-All right, see you later.
-See you later.
Mm!
I love watching you eat.
Bought you a little present
as well.
There you go.
Happy days.
-All right?
-All right?
-I've had the longest day, like.
-Have you?
Yeah. What's this?
Prosessio? Prosessi-ya-yo?
Is that...
for the club night, for me?
-Yeah...
-Least someone thinks about me.
-See what I mean?
-Yeah. Cos it's called
Champagne Steam Rooms, so...
I thought you'd probably
want some...champagne.
Champagne! Ah! That's
fucking clever as well.
-What's that as well?
-Oh, that's just a garnish.
Yeah, stylish.
[sighs] Thanks, Miche.
Sometimes it's just
the little things in life
-that keep you going.
-Yeah.
You know?
-Right, you ready?
-Yeah.
-Shall I throw it?
-Yeah.
-[hissing]
-It's gonna blow.
Woah! Fucking hell!
-That looked sick.
-That was sick, innit?
It's like a firework,
but more fragrant.
-Yeah.
-Sick.
Ah!
-There you go.
-Cheers, Dad.
Cheers, son.
I fucking love fishing.
Where do you think you're going?
Come on, come on,
spill the beans!
-Come on...
-Show it! Show it! Show it!
Oh, my word! It's so nice!
No, it's actually
really thoughtful, yeah.
It's literally the one
I wanted, so, yeah.
-So tell us everything.
How did he propose?
-Oh, how did he propose?
Well, basically,
he got down on one knee
and then he just, you know,
looked up and he said,
-"Will you marry me?"
-Oh! Was it romantic?
God, yeah, it was so romantic.
Cos then everyone
just started clapping.
-Where were you?
-God, where were we?
-Yeah... We were in a shop.
-Oh, which shop, which shop?
-Details!
-Which shop, yeah?
-We were in Morrison's, yeah.
-Oh!
Cos that's where we do
our weekly shop, so, yeah,
just really meant something to
us. We were in the tins aisle.
-Oh, are you made up, Miche?
-Yeah.
Looks gorgeous. Look at
your lovely, dainty hands.
Wedding! I love a wedding.
Right, we need to get you
under the dryer, missus.
-You all right
with the bags, mate?
-Yeah.
-Roche!
-Here they are!
-Aah!
-How was your night in the wild,
also known as Uxbridge?
Yeah, never been
to Zone 6 before.
So it was an experience,
trust me.
-There you go, son.
-Cheers.
I see myself as a dad,
yeah. It's funny, innit?
Cos obviously it
didn't come out of me.
I'm actually more mature
in my fashion sense as well.
Obviously, you can tell
with the fleece.
I bought this when I moved in.
This is a more mature look.
So it's what a dad would wear.
I'm going more "Dad", even
fashion-based now these days.
-Tell her what you caught, son.
-Oh, it wasn't anything.
Just a tiddler really.
Fishing weren't that good
round that part of the river.
We still had a good laugh
though, innit?
[director] Does Beats have
his priorities stretched?
It's a bit irresponsible the way
he's, "Oh, I've got to do
my family and that."
Beats should just be on point,
radio, radio, radio.
That should be his life, cos
one day it's gonna make him a
millionaire off the back of me.
Right, Kurupt FM radio meeting.
24th of the... Like, whatever
the date is, basically.
Deckie, my brother!
-Full house!
-Ah, Mr Beats.
Glad you could join us, finally.
-What's happening, man?
-Nothing's happening.
Go and take your post.
Right, the promotions,
obviously, ain't been
working, yeah?
So we've got to think of
another way of attacking people.
[Steves] I think I've
got something, actually.
Subliminal messages
in the music.
Lot of use that is, mate!
Just shut up!
Quiet down, man.
Mm. I was thinking
more of you, mate,
-as you've done nothing
to the promotions so far.
-Yeah.
[Grindah] Basically, yeah, if
you want to promote yourself,
you've got to be out there.
On the ground, like,
handing out flyers,
telling people what you're
about, showing them that
you're a bad boy MC.
If we want people to love you,
then put the effort in.
Don't just fuck about with
your family all day.
-[drum and bass plays]
-♪ Champagne Steam Rooms!
♪ Is the session!
11th of April! ♪
♪ In the dimension! ♪
Beats, mate! Beats, mate!
Come on, hurry up!
Those people there!
Those people there!
As many people
as possible, mate!
[he raps]
[Grindah] Easy brother, hold
tight the Brentford mandem!
-Can I get back in the wheels?
-Just gonna spin it round
one more time, all right?
There are so many things
in my life, you know, uh,
perfume, weapons,
peanut dust.
But the hardest thing to
sell is humans.
Like being
at the beach, innit?
Not like in a human trafficking
way, that's pretty easy
with the right connections.
But like selling yourself,
self-promotion.
The boys are out there
right now on the streets
and they're selling themselves
and I'm proud of them.
-Is it a rave, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, it's our rave.
-They fucking love it!
-The whole of Brentford
loves it!
They're just staring at me!
They love it. Everyone's
looking at me!
♪ Hold tight the
Brentford crew insane! ♪
♪ I sees ya! Remember,
remember, the 11th of April! ♪
♪ It's the Champagne
Steam Rooms session!
It's gonna be a slammer! ♪