People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript
-[drum and bass plays]
-Stevie!
-I'm gonna shoot off, mate.
-Yeah, yeah.
I've topped up your snack bowl.
All right, mate?
Sweet, bruv!
Just locking him in
to keep him safe.
You know, business is going
great at the moment.
I have my T-shirt business.
I have my internet cabin
café business.
But the hardest business
to manage is the business
of love, you know?
I will wait for Aldona...
for as long as it takes.
If she needs to blow off
a bit of steam and a bit
of my money,
then that's her business.
It's good to blow off steam.
There's no shame in that.
It's healthy.
[Miche] First one in,
last one to leave.
Shows I'm dedicated though.
[alarm beeps]
[alarm stops]
-I'm a bit tired today though.
-[director] So why are
you tired?
Oh, Grindah's got insomnia
because of the weed drought.
So he just kept waking me up
through the night to check
if I'd gone to sleep yet
and asking me for glasses
of water and that.
Bless him.
Danger. How's it going,
man? You all right?
Yeah, still doing
the radio stuff.
Just wanted to know if you've
got anything at the moment.
He will buy a zoot, like,
literally, it's that bad.
Obviously, I can function
without weed, but
I choose not to.
Cos, like, if I don't smoke,
like, I start getting headaches,
worrying about everything.
"Oh, I've got bills to pay!
Oh, someone's gonna cut off
the whatever if I don't
pay it now."
Weed helps you forget all that.
Alfie Dangers got nothing, man.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Decoy, come on, mate, you
must be able to get something.
You're a Rasta, for fuck's sake.
-I'm not a Rasta.
-Course you are. Just cos you
ain't got all the long hair.
Don't sell yourself short,
Decoy.
-Don't tell him anything,
it's wasted on him.
-Yeah.
There she is! You did it!
Congratulations!
-Oh, thank you.
-Oh, bless!
-Look at it.
-It looks brilliant.
Angela's passed her level one
hairdresser's certificate.
-Great!
-Yeah?
-Put that in a frame, Miche.
-Oh, okay, then.
-What did your mum say?
-It doesn't really
need to be framed.
Well, Angela's been here
a bit longer than me,
but we're both
trainee hairdressers.
So, basically, what that
means is that we are training
to become hairdressers, so...
Are roles are basically
the same. She's definitely
not above me.
Look at that! Pride of place.
"Level one hairdressing,
Angela Wilson".
I mean, obviously, for me,
the big dream is
I'm going to have my own
beauty range with my
face on it, so...
Probably aiming a little bit
higher than her, cos,
not being funny,
but I don't think her face
would really work
for a beauty range.
[Tanya] Cos today's
a special day, as you know,
you're with Susan all day.
You're going to be working
on colours.
-[Angela] Oh, my God!
Are you serious?
-Yeah! You deserve it.
-You all right, Miche?
-Yeah, I'm just sweeping.
Actually, Miche, I've got
a nail appointment
-in about 20 minutes...
-Yeah, I can do that.
Not "do" the appointment. I
was thinking if you could just
clear up in the treatment room.
-Do a couple of Brazilians
in there yesterday.
-Yeah, I can do that.
It's a little bit of a
state in there. Yeah?
Good lad, good lad.
That's it. Good guy.
There we go. Stevie,
you're a machine, mate!
You don't bloody stop.
I did actually try and stop,
but the door was, like, locked.
Probably jammed or something.
Anyway, listen...
You're a free man now and
tomorrow these T-shirts
are going to be all the talk
of Hounslow high street.
D&G T-shirts at half the retail
price of Dolce & Gabbana.
It's D&G.
Deepak & Gurdev have a right
to make their own T-shirts,
too, mate.
Know what I mean? Oh, mate.
We are going to make
so much money, man!
We are? Do I get
paid or anything?
Yeah, obviously, you get...
you get your printing free,
which I was going
to give to you anyway.
Let's see how much that is.
Round it up, cash
flow, net profit, take
away the working tax credit.
-Let's round it up to a tenner.
-Oh, rounded it up as well.
Ten pounds just for that!
I'll keep that safe.
It's actually safer than a
wallet, cos you can't really
lose socks while they're on.
All right, man.
I'm gonna do one.
Have a nap, mate. He hasn't
slept for, like, four days.
[drum and bass plays]
Gonna have to have a scud zoot.
Got a few crumbs here.
Have you found anything?
Tiny bit of resin. Couple
of seeds from that bush
me and Steves had as well.
Did you ever used to watch
Blue Peter back in the day?
-No.
-Maybe we could just bury
bare weed in a time capsule
and just put it in the garden.
Or we could bury these
seeds in a plant pot
and grow our own.
That's sick. We'd never
have a drought again.
Yeah. We could even call it
the Kurupt FM weed farm!
Oh! You can put it in the
bathroom as well. It'd be
like a natural air freshener.
You could, like, bill a zoot
whilst taking a shit.
-Oh!
-Proper luxurious.
-I would love that.
-[director] Have you ever
grown weed before?
Well...
You know, I mean...
I mean, that's not something
we could actually talk
about on camera.
But let's say, if you
had a helicopter with
a heat-sensitive camera on,
floating over the top
of Kurupt, you'd know
what time it is.
Exactly.
That's all we're saying.
-So you have?
-That's all we're saying.
-My lips are sealed.
-Exactly. So are mine.
Aldona?
Oh, my...
Baby!
-I'm so sorry.
-You came back!
Where the fuck have you been?
I was so worried.
I can't even describe it.
There's no words.
All the doubters were
doubting me and, like,
they were all saying,
"Oh, you're crazy." And
you know what? Maybe I am.
But the voices in my head,
they were telling me, like,
"Just end it all, mate.
You're a failure. There's no
point. What's the point,
mate? Kill yourself!"
But, no, no. If it's crazy
to be in love,
then I'm bloody mental,
bat-shit crazy, mate.
Lock me up.
Your hair's looking in
really good condition.
Yeah, like, really good,
considering you're getting
it coloured and stuff.
You must condition it a lot.
Just keep doing what
you're doing.
I think you might have missed
a bit there, Angela.
Did you actually find
your course useful then?
Yeah, it was really good,
actually.
I always feel like hairdressing
is a natural talent for me.
I don't really need
to do a course.
I just did it cos you need
the qualification, don't ya?
-If you're gonna cut hair
in a salon and that.
-Yeah, yeah.
I'm doing one at the moment,
actually. I'm just saying
that I don't need one, so...
-Where did you do yours then?
-Hammersmith.
Oh, all right.
You went for a local one.
-Yeah. Why,
where'd you do yours?
-Mine's actually international.
-Really? Whereabouts?
-The internet.
It's an online course, but the
internet's based in America.
Well, I haven't started the
online course yet, but I'm
in the enrolment process.
So I've started my
online application.
So I've put in my email
address and my name
and that kind of thing.
I just need to put in
my payment details and then
I'll be good to go.
-You've had two already!
-Sorry, mate.
Three tokes.
[door closes]
-Yes, you lot.
-Yeah, Steves. Hi.
-Is that a zoot?
-Nah, there's only
a tiny bit left.
Plus there's a weed drought.
You know the rules, mate.
-I've got a tenner though.
-A tenner's completely
pointless, Steves.
-For fuck's sake.
-Anyway, we're gonna start
a Kurupt FM weed farm, so...
-Couldn't like Decoy
or anyone get anything?
-What? What?
Why would Decoy be able
to get any? So racist.
You've completely disgraced
yourself in front of these boys.
You need to go out and get
us the stuff for the weed
farm, Steves.
We need plant pots, soil and
them 3D lights as well, yeah?
-UV, innit?
-Same thing, mate.
You hear that?
Blimey, man. Literally, just
got... Like, I've just got in.
Steves mate, you don't deserve
to relax after your little
racist outburst, yeah?
You're not wanted round here
for a bit. What's said
is said, mate, all right?
I cannot believe that.
You know, back in the day,
sort of Game Of Thrones time?
They always had like a stupid,
idiot that would work for them.
-You know what I mean?
-Hold it down, hold it down.
Powerful people always have
idiots around them to help
them do things.
Why spend a tenner when you
could get it for free, like?
Free soil as well.
Fucking need something
to put these in.
Ah... Just...
Just doing a bit of recycling.
-[director] So is
Steves trustworthy?
-He's like a dog.
He'll, like, follow you about,
but have no idea, like,
what's going on.
Definitely take that one
as well.
-Oh, a gnome.
-What you doing?
-Oi! Oi!
-Sorry, sorry!
What you...? Oi!
[Tanya] I think we need
some new magazines, actually.
-Just got you a tea.
I'll pop it down here.
-Miche! Miche!
Miche! Can you, er...
-Can you get any bud?
-What?
-Draw, can you get any draw?
-No.
I don't know anyone
that can get draw.
Mum's not with Jason any more.
-Ask one of these lot, then?
-They're my work colleagues!
-They don't even know I smoke.
-What?! They'll think you're
cool if anything.
I'll get fired? There's this
girl that's basically
after my job.
Had an absolute brainwave, mate.
All right, listen, I ain't
got time to talk about
your "new work friends".
UV. There.
-I'm not really into that, mate.
-Yeah, but for the weed farm.
-For the lights.
-Hold on, we could use
that for the weed farm?
-Exactly, yeah.
-What time do they close?
-Seven, bruv.
-Seven, yeah.
-Sweet. We'll get her on it.
-Let's do this.
Mate! I knew there was
a reason for us coming here.
"Got UV lights".
Fuck's sake.
Makes my life easier, anyway.
I've been telling everyone,
you know? I've been saying
that Aldona is coming back.
You know, "You'll see,
you'll see."
[director] So, Aldona,
you were at a funeral?
Uh...yes. My, uh...
My father, he...he is dead.
[he sighs]
Very sad news, you know?
Rest in peace, Daddy.
Great man, great man.
Never met him, personally,
but I imagine that he was
a great man.
The main thing is that she's
back and she's here to stay.
Yes, I don't want anything,
no money, just...just you.
Okay! That can be arranged.
That can be arranged.
Um, I must warn you though,
I haven't shaved or anything.
If I knew you were coming, I'd
have got the back, sack and
crack tidied up a little bit.
So it might get a little bit
jungly down there.
She's back.
Power couple are back.
Very like Jay-Z/Beyoncé.
She's brown as a looker.
Look how brown she is.
Show the camera.
Look, brown. Jay-Z/Beyoncé.
Isn't it? Kanye West/Kim K.
-♪ Locked into the sounds
-Of the legendary ♪
-♪ Man, like, MC Grindah
-And the one and only ♪
♪ DJ Beats ♪
Tell 'em what time is it,
Grind?
♪ One, two, three, four, five
Once I caught a fish alive ♪
♪ Garage, baby! ♪
Nah, I can't countdown on
the garage vibe. I'm
not lean enough.
-I knew this would happen.
-Sounded good to me, mate.
Don't let your brain
control you, innit?
It's not my brain. It's, like,
my whole body's weak.
I'm on meltdown mode.
So Grindah and Beats
have found these little seeds.
Insert that.
And I'll just do that
for all of them.
This is Kurupt FM
emergency broadcast.
-It's a warning.
-If you are listening, yeah,
we need some draw now.
-If you can get draw, then call
the phone-line number.
-Yes.
Any draw will do. Weed,
hash, shit holiday draw.
Literally, anything.
We will pay full price.
-Top dollar.
-Why did you say that?
Weed farm ready to go.
Time for someone to start
doing shit round here, yeah?
Wait! Wait there! Wait!
Chill out!
-Shall I come in now?
-Come on then.
Quick, get in! Get in!
-No one's seen us. Chill out.
-No one can know you've
been here, right?
I really don't want to lose
this job before I've
even got it.
Miche, we need this weed farm.
You need this weed farm,
all right?
Nothing's gonna happen.
No one's gonna know.
If someone does found out,
Steves can take the rap,
all right?
-I've got less to lose.
-Exactly.
I'll show you where
the sunbeds are.
Right, go on, Steves.
But you have to keep
the lights off, cos no
one can know you're here.
[Steves] Yeah, that's cool.
I quite like the dark.
I went blind off ketamine
for, like, three hours.
I quite liked it, to be honest.
It gave me time to think.
-[Miche] Is he definitely
gonna be all right?
-Yeah, probably.
[Chabuds sighs]
Whoo!
Completely smooth down there
now. Completely smooth.
It was a right bloody mess
before.
-Is it all right if I?
-Mm.
Oh, yeah.
[director] What do you see
in the future for you
and Aldona?
Oh, for the future, I see a lot
of bi-racial kids, mate, yeah?
A lot of beige little fuckers
running around, you know.
A lot of little Chabulskas.
Chabuddy/Wolskas.
Loads of Chabulskas. You know,
UKIP's nightmare, mate.
So I'm breeding it, mate.
It's a beige future, with
loads of little Polishstani
little fuckers running around.
Imagine, it's just gonna be
beetroot and curry everywhere.
Loads of builders and loads
of corner shops, mate. That's
the army I'm building!
And, uh, they to film or...?
Oh? Okay, guys, come on,
get the hint.
I think it's time for you guys
to go. We need some alone time.
Come on, out you go!
Out you go, out you go!
Listen, guys, I think
I'm pretty much guaranteed
penetration here, right?
So if you wanna... Go on.
Come on, hurry up, get out!
Come on, go! Get out of here.
So, uh, more drink?
[he chuckles]
Zdrowie!
Na zdorovye!
-Kurwa!
-Na zdorovye!
Fuck, I think Craig's up.
Hello, Craig, mate.
How's it going?
-All right?
-Yeah.
Playing a bit of computer
and that, yeah?
Don't, um...
Don't suppose any of your
mates smoke bud, do they?
I'm just trying to link it
for a friend of mine.
Nah, there's a weed
drought at the moment.
You know about
the weed drought, yeah?
Do you blaze and that?
You don't have, like, um,
a scud zoot or
a little chip I could have?
-Just to help me get to sleep.
-Thought it was for
your mate?
For my mate to get to sleep.
You what know? Fuck it, man.
It's for me.
I've been blazing since
I was 15 years young.
Non-stop, every day.
So I feel a bit fucked, like,
cos of the drought.
It's really good to have
these chats with you, man.
It's really good to open up
to each other, you know?
I'm gonna shoot off to bed.
I'll see you in the morning.
Enjoy your game.
Fuck! How am I gonna sleep?
[Miche] So has Steves
texted you?
No. Wouldn't bank on it anyway.
He's pretty shit with phones.
Breaks 'em constantly.
He's pretty clumsy.
Do you think maybe we
shouldn't have locked
him in, then?
-Nah, he'll be fine.
-What if he's in there,
and he's freaking out,
he panicking, and he's trying
to ring you and he can't,
-cos his phone won't work
and he's crying...
-Miche, I know all that.
I'm too ill to be worried
about all this, all right?
Worst case scenario, he'll just
smash his way out the shop
front window, whatever.
I'm a bit worried
about that happening.
Oh, my days! Who's sick!
Selecta!
Decoy's uncle's come through
with the food, cuz!
That means weed in English.
I'm meeting his uncles
tomorrow and they're Jamaican.
Oh, sick!
Yeah, so do you think we should
pop out and get Steves now?
No, we can still let him do it.
Planning for the future
and all that.
Man's making them Jamaican
links out 'ere! You get me?
[sings]
Scene, innit?
-Oh, mate! Hold on.
-So shall we give Steves
a call now?
No, no. Hold on. Me and Beats
could make a reggae mix
for the journey tomorrow.
-It might help if you kept
the line clear...
-Beats?
It's Grindah. Right.
Two words, reggae mix.
You know, make a reggae mix
for tomorrow on CD.
Put it on CD. All right.
See you later.
That's the motherland, Jamaica,
that's where everyone
comes from,
whether you're white or black.
Cos what happened was,
this big stone
banged into the world, yeah,
cos the world was just one,
like, bit of land.
-There was dinosaurs and that.
-Dinosaurs and that.
And then it exploded and all
the dinosaurs and the land
got separated.
But, originally,
the stone was Jamaica.
Hello?
Hello?
-Is everything all right?
-You are pricks.
Everywhere I go, just...
"Let's just lock Steves in.
He doesn't matter.
He's just a little mug.
-Just lock him in..."
-Sorry, Steves.
Oh, no! I knew it.
He's broken Angela's frame.
Oh, it's actually fine.
"Ooh, I've done a course."
Level one basic bitch.
[knocking on door]
I must have fully passed out
last night.
Bit of a... Bit crazy.
Did you guys...
Did you guys move the Merc?
It's...
Where's the Merc?
Did you guys see anything?
The...
Aldona?
Aldona, did you...?
Aldona! Aldona, did you...?
Oh, no! No, no, no!
I've been robbed!
The computers! The printer!
Oh, my... The foot spa!
And they've taken Aldona!
Move, move!
Aldona!
Aldona!
-You all right?
-Jamaica.
The land of wood and water.
Can't bloody wait to
meet your uncles, mate.
Heard a lot about 'em.
-Is it?
-Yeah.
-Are they the laid-back type?
-They all right with
non-Rastas as well, right?
-What? No, man, you've
got it twisted, man.
-Yeah, sick.
-Do you want the reggae mix?
-Yeah, put the little
reggae mix on.
[reggae plays]
Oh...love this one.
[Beats] Decoy, you still got
that Jamaican bandana?
[Grindah] It's like slipping
into a warm bath, listening
to this shit, innit?
"I'm sorry. You deserve better.
I will never bother you again.
Aldona."
You know what? I'm starting
to wonder if maybe
she was the person who stole
all of my stuff.
Or maybe this is part of some
kind of role-playing game.
And maybe she actually wants
me to hunt her down.
And she put a kiss at the end
of the note, so maybe that's...
No, that's crazy.
I think it's actually
over for good now.
Is it all right if we
leave it there? Yeah?
Sick!
Could someone get...?
Someone get the door?
Grindah! Can you get the...?
-Hurry up.
-Why is the child lock on?
It's this way, man.
-This way, innit?
-Yeah.
-Quite a low-key operation
this, innit?
Obviously, you've got to wait
here, yeah? Cos it's bare
Yardies and that, so...
-Man, they're not Yardies.
-Yardies, Rastas, whatever.
Stop putting a label on
everything! It's gonna be sick.
-Trust me on the reload.
-Done loads.
[Grindah] Remember, it's
"Selassie I" when you enter.
[Beats] Do you have to
bow or anything?
They already look
a little bit healthier.
That's just from...
less than a day
under the old UV.
Got a little tan as well.
See that? It's like just
my arms have been on holiday...
together.
That's fucking shit!
You said they were Rastas!
No, I didn't, mate. You just
assumed that. Anyway, they're
from my dad's side, man.
-You should have said
they were white.
-What does that matter?
He wasn't even listening to
reggae. He was listening to
rock music, for fuck's sake!
Wasn't even close.
Main thing is,
we reloaded though, innit?
-[reggae plays]
-[Grindah] Turn that shit off!
It's pointless now.
[director]
Have you ever been to Jamaica?
-Not in person.
-Well, no. Not in person.
But in soul.
[both] In spirit.
We bring that little bit
of Jamaica to Brentford.
So in that form, to us,
yeah, everywhere's Jamaica.
Maybe we should
get our own UV lights,
save going down
Miche's work.
Nah! Wouldn't bother.
Drought's over, mate.
Yeah, but what about
preparing for the future?
-For next time?
-Nah.
We'll be all right. We'll find
something, mate. We always do.
I think we've just been
overthinking it too much.
It's good to chill out.
Saves all that.
[Beats] We'll never stop
blazing ever, because
even if...
the world was to end,
flowers still grow.
Do you know what I'm saying?
-Them ones, they're
like metaphors.
-Like a rose from the concrete.
Sounds like something
I'd come up with.
I could chip in
for this, actually.
Still got my tenner from
earlier that Chabuds paid me.
[Grindah]
That's the way, innit?
It's all dissolved
into the sock.
Is it all right to still
blaze a little bit of it?
-Yeah, we'll save you
a little bit at the end, mate.
-We'll leave you the roaches.
Will they accept it
if it's like that?
[all]
Yeah, it'll be fine, yeah.
-Stevie!
-I'm gonna shoot off, mate.
-Yeah, yeah.
I've topped up your snack bowl.
All right, mate?
Sweet, bruv!
Just locking him in
to keep him safe.
You know, business is going
great at the moment.
I have my T-shirt business.
I have my internet cabin
café business.
But the hardest business
to manage is the business
of love, you know?
I will wait for Aldona...
for as long as it takes.
If she needs to blow off
a bit of steam and a bit
of my money,
then that's her business.
It's good to blow off steam.
There's no shame in that.
It's healthy.
[Miche] First one in,
last one to leave.
Shows I'm dedicated though.
[alarm beeps]
[alarm stops]
-I'm a bit tired today though.
-[director] So why are
you tired?
Oh, Grindah's got insomnia
because of the weed drought.
So he just kept waking me up
through the night to check
if I'd gone to sleep yet
and asking me for glasses
of water and that.
Bless him.
Danger. How's it going,
man? You all right?
Yeah, still doing
the radio stuff.
Just wanted to know if you've
got anything at the moment.
He will buy a zoot, like,
literally, it's that bad.
Obviously, I can function
without weed, but
I choose not to.
Cos, like, if I don't smoke,
like, I start getting headaches,
worrying about everything.
"Oh, I've got bills to pay!
Oh, someone's gonna cut off
the whatever if I don't
pay it now."
Weed helps you forget all that.
Alfie Dangers got nothing, man.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Decoy, come on, mate, you
must be able to get something.
You're a Rasta, for fuck's sake.
-I'm not a Rasta.
-Course you are. Just cos you
ain't got all the long hair.
Don't sell yourself short,
Decoy.
-Don't tell him anything,
it's wasted on him.
-Yeah.
There she is! You did it!
Congratulations!
-Oh, thank you.
-Oh, bless!
-Look at it.
-It looks brilliant.
Angela's passed her level one
hairdresser's certificate.
-Great!
-Yeah?
-Put that in a frame, Miche.
-Oh, okay, then.
-What did your mum say?
-It doesn't really
need to be framed.
Well, Angela's been here
a bit longer than me,
but we're both
trainee hairdressers.
So, basically, what that
means is that we are training
to become hairdressers, so...
Are roles are basically
the same. She's definitely
not above me.
Look at that! Pride of place.
"Level one hairdressing,
Angela Wilson".
I mean, obviously, for me,
the big dream is
I'm going to have my own
beauty range with my
face on it, so...
Probably aiming a little bit
higher than her, cos,
not being funny,
but I don't think her face
would really work
for a beauty range.
[Tanya] Cos today's
a special day, as you know,
you're with Susan all day.
You're going to be working
on colours.
-[Angela] Oh, my God!
Are you serious?
-Yeah! You deserve it.
-You all right, Miche?
-Yeah, I'm just sweeping.
Actually, Miche, I've got
a nail appointment
-in about 20 minutes...
-Yeah, I can do that.
Not "do" the appointment. I
was thinking if you could just
clear up in the treatment room.
-Do a couple of Brazilians
in there yesterday.
-Yeah, I can do that.
It's a little bit of a
state in there. Yeah?
Good lad, good lad.
That's it. Good guy.
There we go. Stevie,
you're a machine, mate!
You don't bloody stop.
I did actually try and stop,
but the door was, like, locked.
Probably jammed or something.
Anyway, listen...
You're a free man now and
tomorrow these T-shirts
are going to be all the talk
of Hounslow high street.
D&G T-shirts at half the retail
price of Dolce & Gabbana.
It's D&G.
Deepak & Gurdev have a right
to make their own T-shirts,
too, mate.
Know what I mean? Oh, mate.
We are going to make
so much money, man!
We are? Do I get
paid or anything?
Yeah, obviously, you get...
you get your printing free,
which I was going
to give to you anyway.
Let's see how much that is.
Round it up, cash
flow, net profit, take
away the working tax credit.
-Let's round it up to a tenner.
-Oh, rounded it up as well.
Ten pounds just for that!
I'll keep that safe.
It's actually safer than a
wallet, cos you can't really
lose socks while they're on.
All right, man.
I'm gonna do one.
Have a nap, mate. He hasn't
slept for, like, four days.
[drum and bass plays]
Gonna have to have a scud zoot.
Got a few crumbs here.
Have you found anything?
Tiny bit of resin. Couple
of seeds from that bush
me and Steves had as well.
Did you ever used to watch
Blue Peter back in the day?
-No.
-Maybe we could just bury
bare weed in a time capsule
and just put it in the garden.
Or we could bury these
seeds in a plant pot
and grow our own.
That's sick. We'd never
have a drought again.
Yeah. We could even call it
the Kurupt FM weed farm!
Oh! You can put it in the
bathroom as well. It'd be
like a natural air freshener.
You could, like, bill a zoot
whilst taking a shit.
-Oh!
-Proper luxurious.
-I would love that.
-[director] Have you ever
grown weed before?
Well...
You know, I mean...
I mean, that's not something
we could actually talk
about on camera.
But let's say, if you
had a helicopter with
a heat-sensitive camera on,
floating over the top
of Kurupt, you'd know
what time it is.
Exactly.
That's all we're saying.
-So you have?
-That's all we're saying.
-My lips are sealed.
-Exactly. So are mine.
Aldona?
Oh, my...
Baby!
-I'm so sorry.
-You came back!
Where the fuck have you been?
I was so worried.
I can't even describe it.
There's no words.
All the doubters were
doubting me and, like,
they were all saying,
"Oh, you're crazy." And
you know what? Maybe I am.
But the voices in my head,
they were telling me, like,
"Just end it all, mate.
You're a failure. There's no
point. What's the point,
mate? Kill yourself!"
But, no, no. If it's crazy
to be in love,
then I'm bloody mental,
bat-shit crazy, mate.
Lock me up.
Your hair's looking in
really good condition.
Yeah, like, really good,
considering you're getting
it coloured and stuff.
You must condition it a lot.
Just keep doing what
you're doing.
I think you might have missed
a bit there, Angela.
Did you actually find
your course useful then?
Yeah, it was really good,
actually.
I always feel like hairdressing
is a natural talent for me.
I don't really need
to do a course.
I just did it cos you need
the qualification, don't ya?
-If you're gonna cut hair
in a salon and that.
-Yeah, yeah.
I'm doing one at the moment,
actually. I'm just saying
that I don't need one, so...
-Where did you do yours then?
-Hammersmith.
Oh, all right.
You went for a local one.
-Yeah. Why,
where'd you do yours?
-Mine's actually international.
-Really? Whereabouts?
-The internet.
It's an online course, but the
internet's based in America.
Well, I haven't started the
online course yet, but I'm
in the enrolment process.
So I've started my
online application.
So I've put in my email
address and my name
and that kind of thing.
I just need to put in
my payment details and then
I'll be good to go.
-You've had two already!
-Sorry, mate.
Three tokes.
[door closes]
-Yes, you lot.
-Yeah, Steves. Hi.
-Is that a zoot?
-Nah, there's only
a tiny bit left.
Plus there's a weed drought.
You know the rules, mate.
-I've got a tenner though.
-A tenner's completely
pointless, Steves.
-For fuck's sake.
-Anyway, we're gonna start
a Kurupt FM weed farm, so...
-Couldn't like Decoy
or anyone get anything?
-What? What?
Why would Decoy be able
to get any? So racist.
You've completely disgraced
yourself in front of these boys.
You need to go out and get
us the stuff for the weed
farm, Steves.
We need plant pots, soil and
them 3D lights as well, yeah?
-UV, innit?
-Same thing, mate.
You hear that?
Blimey, man. Literally, just
got... Like, I've just got in.
Steves mate, you don't deserve
to relax after your little
racist outburst, yeah?
You're not wanted round here
for a bit. What's said
is said, mate, all right?
I cannot believe that.
You know, back in the day,
sort of Game Of Thrones time?
They always had like a stupid,
idiot that would work for them.
-You know what I mean?
-Hold it down, hold it down.
Powerful people always have
idiots around them to help
them do things.
Why spend a tenner when you
could get it for free, like?
Free soil as well.
Fucking need something
to put these in.
Ah... Just...
Just doing a bit of recycling.
-[director] So is
Steves trustworthy?
-He's like a dog.
He'll, like, follow you about,
but have no idea, like,
what's going on.
Definitely take that one
as well.
-Oh, a gnome.
-What you doing?
-Oi! Oi!
-Sorry, sorry!
What you...? Oi!
[Tanya] I think we need
some new magazines, actually.
-Just got you a tea.
I'll pop it down here.
-Miche! Miche!
Miche! Can you, er...
-Can you get any bud?
-What?
-Draw, can you get any draw?
-No.
I don't know anyone
that can get draw.
Mum's not with Jason any more.
-Ask one of these lot, then?
-They're my work colleagues!
-They don't even know I smoke.
-What?! They'll think you're
cool if anything.
I'll get fired? There's this
girl that's basically
after my job.
Had an absolute brainwave, mate.
All right, listen, I ain't
got time to talk about
your "new work friends".
UV. There.
-I'm not really into that, mate.
-Yeah, but for the weed farm.
-For the lights.
-Hold on, we could use
that for the weed farm?
-Exactly, yeah.
-What time do they close?
-Seven, bruv.
-Seven, yeah.
-Sweet. We'll get her on it.
-Let's do this.
Mate! I knew there was
a reason for us coming here.
"Got UV lights".
Fuck's sake.
Makes my life easier, anyway.
I've been telling everyone,
you know? I've been saying
that Aldona is coming back.
You know, "You'll see,
you'll see."
[director] So, Aldona,
you were at a funeral?
Uh...yes. My, uh...
My father, he...he is dead.
[he sighs]
Very sad news, you know?
Rest in peace, Daddy.
Great man, great man.
Never met him, personally,
but I imagine that he was
a great man.
The main thing is that she's
back and she's here to stay.
Yes, I don't want anything,
no money, just...just you.
Okay! That can be arranged.
That can be arranged.
Um, I must warn you though,
I haven't shaved or anything.
If I knew you were coming, I'd
have got the back, sack and
crack tidied up a little bit.
So it might get a little bit
jungly down there.
She's back.
Power couple are back.
Very like Jay-Z/Beyoncé.
She's brown as a looker.
Look how brown she is.
Show the camera.
Look, brown. Jay-Z/Beyoncé.
Isn't it? Kanye West/Kim K.
-♪ Locked into the sounds
-Of the legendary ♪
-♪ Man, like, MC Grindah
-And the one and only ♪
♪ DJ Beats ♪
Tell 'em what time is it,
Grind?
♪ One, two, three, four, five
Once I caught a fish alive ♪
♪ Garage, baby! ♪
Nah, I can't countdown on
the garage vibe. I'm
not lean enough.
-I knew this would happen.
-Sounded good to me, mate.
Don't let your brain
control you, innit?
It's not my brain. It's, like,
my whole body's weak.
I'm on meltdown mode.
So Grindah and Beats
have found these little seeds.
Insert that.
And I'll just do that
for all of them.
This is Kurupt FM
emergency broadcast.
-It's a warning.
-If you are listening, yeah,
we need some draw now.
-If you can get draw, then call
the phone-line number.
-Yes.
Any draw will do. Weed,
hash, shit holiday draw.
Literally, anything.
We will pay full price.
-Top dollar.
-Why did you say that?
Weed farm ready to go.
Time for someone to start
doing shit round here, yeah?
Wait! Wait there! Wait!
Chill out!
-Shall I come in now?
-Come on then.
Quick, get in! Get in!
-No one's seen us. Chill out.
-No one can know you've
been here, right?
I really don't want to lose
this job before I've
even got it.
Miche, we need this weed farm.
You need this weed farm,
all right?
Nothing's gonna happen.
No one's gonna know.
If someone does found out,
Steves can take the rap,
all right?
-I've got less to lose.
-Exactly.
I'll show you where
the sunbeds are.
Right, go on, Steves.
But you have to keep
the lights off, cos no
one can know you're here.
[Steves] Yeah, that's cool.
I quite like the dark.
I went blind off ketamine
for, like, three hours.
I quite liked it, to be honest.
It gave me time to think.
-[Miche] Is he definitely
gonna be all right?
-Yeah, probably.
[Chabuds sighs]
Whoo!
Completely smooth down there
now. Completely smooth.
It was a right bloody mess
before.
-Is it all right if I?
-Mm.
Oh, yeah.
[director] What do you see
in the future for you
and Aldona?
Oh, for the future, I see a lot
of bi-racial kids, mate, yeah?
A lot of beige little fuckers
running around, you know.
A lot of little Chabulskas.
Chabuddy/Wolskas.
Loads of Chabulskas. You know,
UKIP's nightmare, mate.
So I'm breeding it, mate.
It's a beige future, with
loads of little Polishstani
little fuckers running around.
Imagine, it's just gonna be
beetroot and curry everywhere.
Loads of builders and loads
of corner shops, mate. That's
the army I'm building!
And, uh, they to film or...?
Oh? Okay, guys, come on,
get the hint.
I think it's time for you guys
to go. We need some alone time.
Come on, out you go!
Out you go, out you go!
Listen, guys, I think
I'm pretty much guaranteed
penetration here, right?
So if you wanna... Go on.
Come on, hurry up, get out!
Come on, go! Get out of here.
So, uh, more drink?
[he chuckles]
Zdrowie!
Na zdorovye!
-Kurwa!
-Na zdorovye!
Fuck, I think Craig's up.
Hello, Craig, mate.
How's it going?
-All right?
-Yeah.
Playing a bit of computer
and that, yeah?
Don't, um...
Don't suppose any of your
mates smoke bud, do they?
I'm just trying to link it
for a friend of mine.
Nah, there's a weed
drought at the moment.
You know about
the weed drought, yeah?
Do you blaze and that?
You don't have, like, um,
a scud zoot or
a little chip I could have?
-Just to help me get to sleep.
-Thought it was for
your mate?
For my mate to get to sleep.
You what know? Fuck it, man.
It's for me.
I've been blazing since
I was 15 years young.
Non-stop, every day.
So I feel a bit fucked, like,
cos of the drought.
It's really good to have
these chats with you, man.
It's really good to open up
to each other, you know?
I'm gonna shoot off to bed.
I'll see you in the morning.
Enjoy your game.
Fuck! How am I gonna sleep?
[Miche] So has Steves
texted you?
No. Wouldn't bank on it anyway.
He's pretty shit with phones.
Breaks 'em constantly.
He's pretty clumsy.
Do you think maybe we
shouldn't have locked
him in, then?
-Nah, he'll be fine.
-What if he's in there,
and he's freaking out,
he panicking, and he's trying
to ring you and he can't,
-cos his phone won't work
and he's crying...
-Miche, I know all that.
I'm too ill to be worried
about all this, all right?
Worst case scenario, he'll just
smash his way out the shop
front window, whatever.
I'm a bit worried
about that happening.
Oh, my days! Who's sick!
Selecta!
Decoy's uncle's come through
with the food, cuz!
That means weed in English.
I'm meeting his uncles
tomorrow and they're Jamaican.
Oh, sick!
Yeah, so do you think we should
pop out and get Steves now?
No, we can still let him do it.
Planning for the future
and all that.
Man's making them Jamaican
links out 'ere! You get me?
[sings]
Scene, innit?
-Oh, mate! Hold on.
-So shall we give Steves
a call now?
No, no. Hold on. Me and Beats
could make a reggae mix
for the journey tomorrow.
-It might help if you kept
the line clear...
-Beats?
It's Grindah. Right.
Two words, reggae mix.
You know, make a reggae mix
for tomorrow on CD.
Put it on CD. All right.
See you later.
That's the motherland, Jamaica,
that's where everyone
comes from,
whether you're white or black.
Cos what happened was,
this big stone
banged into the world, yeah,
cos the world was just one,
like, bit of land.
-There was dinosaurs and that.
-Dinosaurs and that.
And then it exploded and all
the dinosaurs and the land
got separated.
But, originally,
the stone was Jamaica.
Hello?
Hello?
-Is everything all right?
-You are pricks.
Everywhere I go, just...
"Let's just lock Steves in.
He doesn't matter.
He's just a little mug.
-Just lock him in..."
-Sorry, Steves.
Oh, no! I knew it.
He's broken Angela's frame.
Oh, it's actually fine.
"Ooh, I've done a course."
Level one basic bitch.
[knocking on door]
I must have fully passed out
last night.
Bit of a... Bit crazy.
Did you guys...
Did you guys move the Merc?
It's...
Where's the Merc?
Did you guys see anything?
The...
Aldona?
Aldona, did you...?
Aldona! Aldona, did you...?
Oh, no! No, no, no!
I've been robbed!
The computers! The printer!
Oh, my... The foot spa!
And they've taken Aldona!
Move, move!
Aldona!
Aldona!
-You all right?
-Jamaica.
The land of wood and water.
Can't bloody wait to
meet your uncles, mate.
Heard a lot about 'em.
-Is it?
-Yeah.
-Are they the laid-back type?
-They all right with
non-Rastas as well, right?
-What? No, man, you've
got it twisted, man.
-Yeah, sick.
-Do you want the reggae mix?
-Yeah, put the little
reggae mix on.
[reggae plays]
Oh...love this one.
[Beats] Decoy, you still got
that Jamaican bandana?
[Grindah] It's like slipping
into a warm bath, listening
to this shit, innit?
"I'm sorry. You deserve better.
I will never bother you again.
Aldona."
You know what? I'm starting
to wonder if maybe
she was the person who stole
all of my stuff.
Or maybe this is part of some
kind of role-playing game.
And maybe she actually wants
me to hunt her down.
And she put a kiss at the end
of the note, so maybe that's...
No, that's crazy.
I think it's actually
over for good now.
Is it all right if we
leave it there? Yeah?
Sick!
Could someone get...?
Someone get the door?
Grindah! Can you get the...?
-Hurry up.
-Why is the child lock on?
It's this way, man.
-This way, innit?
-Yeah.
-Quite a low-key operation
this, innit?
Obviously, you've got to wait
here, yeah? Cos it's bare
Yardies and that, so...
-Man, they're not Yardies.
-Yardies, Rastas, whatever.
Stop putting a label on
everything! It's gonna be sick.
-Trust me on the reload.
-Done loads.
[Grindah] Remember, it's
"Selassie I" when you enter.
[Beats] Do you have to
bow or anything?
They already look
a little bit healthier.
That's just from...
less than a day
under the old UV.
Got a little tan as well.
See that? It's like just
my arms have been on holiday...
together.
That's fucking shit!
You said they were Rastas!
No, I didn't, mate. You just
assumed that. Anyway, they're
from my dad's side, man.
-You should have said
they were white.
-What does that matter?
He wasn't even listening to
reggae. He was listening to
rock music, for fuck's sake!
Wasn't even close.
Main thing is,
we reloaded though, innit?
-[reggae plays]
-[Grindah] Turn that shit off!
It's pointless now.
[director]
Have you ever been to Jamaica?
-Not in person.
-Well, no. Not in person.
But in soul.
[both] In spirit.
We bring that little bit
of Jamaica to Brentford.
So in that form, to us,
yeah, everywhere's Jamaica.
Maybe we should
get our own UV lights,
save going down
Miche's work.
Nah! Wouldn't bother.
Drought's over, mate.
Yeah, but what about
preparing for the future?
-For next time?
-Nah.
We'll be all right. We'll find
something, mate. We always do.
I think we've just been
overthinking it too much.
It's good to chill out.
Saves all that.
[Beats] We'll never stop
blazing ever, because
even if...
the world was to end,
flowers still grow.
Do you know what I'm saying?
-Them ones, they're
like metaphors.
-Like a rose from the concrete.
Sounds like something
I'd come up with.
I could chip in
for this, actually.
Still got my tenner from
earlier that Chabuds paid me.
[Grindah]
That's the way, innit?
It's all dissolved
into the sock.
Is it all right to still
blaze a little bit of it?
-Yeah, we'll save you
a little bit at the end, mate.
-We'll leave you the roaches.
Will they accept it
if it's like that?
[all]
Yeah, it'll be fine, yeah.