People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

[Chabuddy] All the great
entrepreneers all started
somewhere.

Your Double Drunks,
your Drunken Palentines.

The Apprentice guy,
Alan Shearer. They all started
in something like this.

Welcome to the dream factory!

Where dreams are made.

Mainly T-shirts though.

What makes a good T-shirt?
I think, erm...deceptiveness.

So you look at a T-shirt and
you think, "Oh, that's Gucci,
isn't it?"

If you look carefully,
it's Coochi.

Dolce & Gabbana? No, mate.
Deepak and Gurdev.

[director] How many
T-shirts have you bought?



This is the T-shirts here.
So I've got 6,000 of these.

But so far,
I've done around two.

Bloody upside down, isn't it?

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

Bloody hell, this is
harder than I thought.

Should have people doing
this for me, really. Bastard!

[Miche] Are you excited
about your day today?

-[Angel] Yeah.
-Mummy's going to be
working all day, so...

Right, well, give Mummy a hug.
Yeah!

All right, well, I'll
see you after work then.

-All right.
-Still feels weird saying that.

All right, Ange? Have a fun
day with your daddy today, yeah?

-I wanna to go to Nana's.
-Nana's on holiday, isn't she?



Yeah, your precious nanny is
getting her rat out in Zante.

Stop it! She's gone
to visit her lover.

Lover? He's like 17 years old
and hands out flyers outside
a pub. He's hardly a lover.

-Can't even speak English.
-Love is still the same whether
in English or in...foreign.

-I'll see you after five.
-All right. Laters.

[switch clicks]
Fucking light bulbs!

Oh, they put 'em too high up.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Craig, don't use
the downstairs toilet, mate.

-The light's not working.
-Mum said you have to fix it.

She's always trying to get us
to fix stuff, innit?

She says she's sick of
shitting in the dark.

Makes it way more intense
than what it needs to be.

Yeah, it is quite intense.
You don't know where you're
at with the wipes.

Hello, Lavender. Miche speaking.

Okay, yeah, I'll just
put you on hold.

So this is my new work.
This is Lavender Hair & Beauty.

At the moment, I'm on
a probation period.

So that means I'm on a...
It's like an audition.

But it's for the role
of a hairdresser, so, yeah.

Would that be the full body
or is that the half wax?

Okay, great, I'll just
put you on hold.

Hello, Lavender.
Miche speaking.

What sort of therapy or
procedure would you be
interested in today?

Yeah, I'll just pop you on hold.

-You all right, Miche?
-Tanya, yeah. I'm just
practising my phone technique.

-Is there a hold button?
-No.

Oh, okay.

[knocking on door]

There's the door.
Get the door, please, Angel.

I don't need to constantly
hang round with a little girl.
That's weird.

People get arrested
for things like that.

Why should I be doing that?

And then people are gonna
see me, like.

"Grindah just hangs round
with little chicks."

-No one's gonna respect me.
-She's your daughter.

Go and give Grindah
his jacket as well.

-Are you lot...?
-Yeah, we'll follow you.

All right, sweet.

Chabuddy is recruiting.
It's official, guys.

Yeah, know what I mean?
No questions here as well.
You don't need any visa.

There's a lot of guys out there
who are looking for work

and, today, I am their
knight in shiny armour.

I remember happy hours
when I got my first job.

It was in Lahore.
I was 12 years old.

And I had the opportunity
to work for Nissan.

Blown away. Unfortunately, when
I got there I realised it was
just a prawn-peeling factory

and my boss's nickname
was Nissan,

cos he drove a Nissan, isn't it?

Are you struggling
to find work? Do you like
clothes and money and women?

This might be the opportunity
for you. Come down to my
sweatshop...to my warehouse.

Come down to my warehouse
and get some work in, mate.

♪ Hate, hate, rhythm and shout
Hate, hate, rhythm and shout ♪

♪ Hate, hate, rhythm and shout
Who's gonna mix me now? ♪

♪ Hate, hate, rhythm and shout
Hate, hate, rhythm and shout ♪

♪ Hate, hate, rhythm and shout
Who's gonna mix me now? ♪

♪ With the rhythm
it's a all select! ♪

♪ With the rhythm
it's a all select! MC
Grindah with the intellect ♪

Grindah. Can we get rid
of all these ashtrays
and that, cos of Angel?

Do you need me to blaze this
outside as well?

Good point, actually. Don't
want her to develop a taste
for it too early.

[Miche] Angel's been spending
a lot more time with
Grindah and Decoy

since I've been working,
so that's nice.

[director] How is Grindah
finding it with you not
around as much?

Oh, well, I think Grindah's
coping now I'm working.

They were a few problems at
first. He couldn't understand
when his mealtimes were.

So I had to leave him, sort of,
little boxes in the fridge

of all his different food
and I send him a message
when he should eat it.

♪ Long-time man like Angel
Stepping up, stepping in ♪

Don't play any of the mixes
though. We're live on air, yeah?

♪ Selecta, selecta ♪

♪ Kurupt FM ♪

-What does this one do?
-No, don't, like...

-Chill out, mate. Just...
-Yeah, but...

-I spent ages setting that up.
-I reckon we should
just take her out, man.

Yeah. Angel, where would
you like to go?

I want to go to Nana's.

She's constantly, like, "Oh,
Nana does this, Nana does that."

She's trying to throw it
in my face. I know what
Angel's doing. She's clever.

She wants me to rise to that,
so that I can be the best
father I can be.

And for that, mate,
I respect her.

Okay. Change of plan.
All right, do your jacket up.

You all right to look after
it all till Miche gets back?

-Yeah, man, course. Definitely.
-All right. Sweet.

-I can trust you, yeah?
-Yeah! When have I ever
let you down...recently.

You can go back in now,
Steves mate. In a bit.

Ruddy government! Always
trying to hold you down,
isn't it? You know?

I'm offering a job where
you can be your own boss.

Just jump in my van
and do exactly what I tell you.

Hello, mate. Do you want a job?
Jump in the van, mate.

Anyone want a job?

Recruiting is about confidence.

One thing that people love
is confidence.

I can sell anything to anyone,
anywhere, any time, any who,

any what, why, where,
who, why, when.

Vintage madam, look at that.
Cash money, bro!

Wait till I pull up
in the Merc, yeah?

They'll see the 'tache,
the shoes, they're gonna say,
"Yes, that's my new boss."

I don't get it. In the films,
they jump straight
into your van.

Open the doors, they come in.

Maybe it only works
with Mexicans.

Where can I find some Mexicans?

If you put something in for
about six weeks, once your
regrowth has come through, yeah?

Yeah. Okay, great. And that's
£50 for today, thank you.

-There you go.
-Oh, lovely. Thanks. Erm...

-Great. So I hope you enjoyed
your Lavender experience.
-Thank you very much.

Have a great day.

When I first worked here,

I didn't know what lavender
meant, but I Googled it,

and, yeah, I found out
that it is a tone of purple.

[director] And it smells
of lavender in here as well.

-Er, well, it's purple.
-The plant, I mean.

No, this is just a colour.

What about the picture
behind you?

Yeah, it's purple.

No, the plant.

Yeah, no, it's a purple plant.
Is that what you mean?

[Beats] ♪ Pure Kuruption... ♪

Have you seen this? It's
normally Grindah's chair, but...

As acting head honcho today,
I can use it.

Being second-in-command
involves actually taking on

the more stressful side
of the work.

Better not overdo though, so...

It's pass and parcel
of the game really, innit?

I'm like a paramedic.
I'm always on call.

Right about now, you launch
into the legendary,

the absolute number one,
Kurupt FM, 108.9 on your dial!

-Steve?
-Yeah.

Can you make me a tea,
please, bruv?

-Yeah.
-Cheers, mate.

-[power goes off]
-What?

Bruv, all the lights just went
off at the same time. I think
the poltergeist's back.

It's definitely something
to do with the electricity.

Cos poltergeist's actually
control the electricity.

-That's what I've
been trying to say.
-What?

Poltergeists control
electricity.

-Is it?
-Yeah.

They take our electricity,
then they put it on again,

but only the TV and you get
sucked into the TV, and you're
a little girl saying...

Don't get me started on
the poltergeist, mate.

I've heard murmured voices
through the walls.

I've heard creaking
late at night.

All... Other things as well.

So what other explanation
is there?

Supernatural occurrence.

Steven, stop with this
poltergeist shit, mate.

You're throwing me off.
I really need to think.

Cos Grindah's going to go mad
if he comes back and sees this.

I'm going to check the mirrors.
Sometimes you can see
them in the mirrors.

I must get...

One, two, three! Aah!

Oh, my God!

Angel! Do the jump as well.

-Do the jump backwards!
-No.

Probably not, actually.
Mummy would be furious
if you broke something.

The most important thing
to me as a parent is
seeing my kid happy.

And, more importantly
than that...

is knowing that she loves me
more than anyone else
in the world.

Like, I know for a fact
that Angel loves me
more than her nan,

cos when she draws
pictures of the family,
Nan is never in them.

If she was, I'd tear it up
and Angel knows that.

For example, you've got...

a beautiful one here
that she done

and it's just me, Angel and her
mum, do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, and Decoy as well,
just cos...

he's around quite a lot
so she includes him.

So that's off?

-[clicks switch]
-On.

Off. No difference. On.

It's definitely
an electrical issue.

-Call Grindah.
-I'm not calling Grindah,
but we're gonna sort it.

-Call Chabuds.
-Bruv, I'm not calling Chabuds.

Cos Grindah will find out.
I'm gonna sort it.

Who pays the electricity bills?
Does your nan still sort that?

-Yeah, she still does the bills.
-Give her a call.
I've got credit.

She ain't got a phone though.

She destroyed it cos I
showed her a documentary

about how the government
track you through your phone.

It's a good point. Right,
we're gonna go and see her.

-Now?
-Yeah, now.

We need to sort this out,
Steve, I told you.

Right, let me get a zoot for
the road. You not got Rizla?

We'll get some at the shop.

-Have you not got any?
-Steve, we don't have time!

Pop yourself off.

-Get out the way, it's my turn!
-It's not!

-Get out the way, it's my turn!
-Stop!

-Get out the way!
-You get out the way.

You can go like this as well.
You're nan couldn't do that!

-Whey! Backwards as well.
-Mate, what are you doing?

[woman] She's really cute.
How old is she?

She's not mine.
None of them are.

[Grindah]
Oh, whatever, mate!

Who do you think they
like more, you or me?

"Oh, my child can't go on
the slide", or me, the one who
does it backwards, mate?

You see that?

I went on the thing backwards.
They'd never seen anything
like it.

You killed it, man.

Her nan could never do anything
like that in her pathetic
little life.

Wooh!

-There you go, bro.
-Oh, nice one.

-[Decoy] Hey, there she is.
-There she is.

Have you got the phone?
I need to call Beats.

-He's not answering.
-He's probably mixing, man.

Maybe.

[Beats] If she has stopped
paying the electricity,
that is just proper selfish.

-All right, Lorna.
-Happy Girl, We call her.

-[door buzzes]
-Don't touch anything.

Hi, Steve. How are you?

Just normal, innit?

Steve. I'm going to wait here.
Old people weird me out a bit.

-In-and-out job with your nan.
-Right.

"You're never too old to dream
big and seek new goals."

Once you go past 40, mate...

Do you know what I mean?
Give up, literally.

-Oi-oi, Nanza! What's going on?
-Oh, what a surprise!

-Didn't expect you.
-How you doing? All right?
What's going on? Good?

-Lovely! Lovely!
-What are you lot saying?

Ooh! I've got something
for you, actually.

I was going to ask you something
as well. What was it?

Keep 'em hidden.

Nurse sorted them out for me.
They're mental.

-Good, yeah?
-Yeah.

Has he been on them?
He looks fucked.

Oh, he's always away
with the fairies.

Fire safety for people with
sight, hearing and mobility
difficulty.

Good luck, do you know
what I mean?

[Chabuds] Like playing
a little bit of footie.

Pretty agile for their age.
They could be good workers.

I might have a little butchers
see if they're up for
a bit of work.

The thing is, with these kids,
you've got to relate to them,
you've got to impress them.

Show them you know a bit
about footie. They used to
call me Bombay Becks.

Hey, what's up? Do you
need another player?

Let me see the ball, okay?

I'll show you some skills
and that.

Hey, listen, any of you lot
up for a bit of work, a bit
of cash-in-hand work?

-[all] No.
-No?

-Are you Mexican?
-No.

-So you're not up for any work?
-No.

All right.
You lot are shit, anyway.

I find it hard, man, these
kids don't want to work
any more, you know?

Like, I was working from
the age of eight,
with a 'tache, you know?

These kids just want to lay
about on Chatroulette,
dicks everywhere,

sending dick pics, you know?

Snap-Snaps... What they into,
these kids?

Nothing really, you know,
it's like, you know...

-I might just have one...
-You all right, Steve?

-Hello.
-Yeah, just...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just having
a little plate of biscuits.

-Yes, thank you. All right?
-Lovely.

-Really enjoying 'em. Thank you.
-All right, love.

[Grindah] When we met Steves,
he was like...
[Beats] No one.

[Grindah] The kid used
to live with his nan. How
sad is that? We come along...

We, sort of, gave him the push
to get her out the flat.

And we started pirate radio.
And now look at him now.

He's got the fucking four
till five graveyard shift
on Kurupt FM.

-DJ Steves. He used to
just be Steves.
-Yeah.

-[Nan] That's for my back.
-Yeah, yeah.

Nice little...nice little
burn at the back of the throat.
Yeah, it's good.

-A little hint of wild berry.
-[they laugh]

-Like she's talking
about wine, but it's drugs.
-Yeah, that's a good year that.

-[posh accent] 1995 was
a very good year for pills.
-Yeah.

[posh accent] 1995, is a...
No, I can't really do voices.

Weeee!
[laughs]

Angel!
[whistles]

Come here, boy!

There you go. See that?
Secret of parenting.

They're basically like dogs.
Just give 'em sweets and they
just run around. It's easy.

I'm killing, aren't I?

[Angel] Weee!

Come on, Beats mate.

[mobile rings]

-[director] Who's that?
-It's Grindah.

Probably wants to know
why radio's not on.

Are you worried?

Yeah, a little bit, cos if
he gets back there and no one's
there, he'll be fuming.

And we're not on air, so he's
gonna be even more fuming.

Is it important for Kurupt
to stay on air?

Yeah, of course. If you wanna
be London's leading, you can
literally never go down, like.

[mobile rings]

And again.

[mobile rings]

Just put it away.

Out of sight, out of mind.

-Where is Steve anyway though?
-[mobile rings]

No. Still answer machine.

We've got to get back.
I'm getting worried now. Angel!

-We're going.
-Sweets!

No, no more sweets.
We're going. Come on.

See you lot in a bit, yeah?
Catch us up wherever.

-This way. Eh?
-I want to play more.

Oh, ooh! Life's not all about
fun, Angel. You've have
too much fun.

If you have too much fun,
you can get a headache. Daddy
Grindah gets them all the time.

[Steves] Cos people actually
have that voice in real life.

Hello, nice to meet you.
Did you find out about
the electricity?

Ah! That's what I was going
to do. Um, did you stop
paying the electricity?

-Yeah, we got cut off.
-That's weird. We're on a meter.

-The meter must have run out.
-No, it couldn't have, no.

I rigged that meter with
a magnet. What's happened?

Basically, all I know is,
I was plugging in my
new kettle

-and I think a poltergeist...
-A new kettle, yeah?

Well, you've blown a fuse,
haven't you, you daft twat!

That's all it is. We should
go to the kettle and get
the fuse box out of it.

Is the fuse box at Steves' flat?
Right, we've got to go.
It's the fuse box.

-Come on, Steve.
-Sorry, Nan, I've got to go.

'Ere, don't forget these.

Oh, yes. You definitely
don't need these, yeah?

No, no. You'll enjoy them
far more than I will.

-Probably will, to be fair.
-Anyway, I can always
get some more.

"Ooh, must have lost 'em.
So sorry."

-No, I've got them here, Nan.
-Oh, no, you great idiot!
Go on, get out!

-Bye, Steve's nan.
Nice to meet you.
-Bye, Nan.

-She's all right for an "old".
-You wally!

[Angel giggles]

-What's going on?
-What's up?

-It's not picking it up.
-Maybe it don't reach this far.

Don't blame Kurupt FM cos
your shitty little radio
ain't up to it, bruv.

I want sweets!

Just have one, all right?

If he gets back before us,
I'm fucked!

-Yeah. Is that our bus?
-That's our bus!

Let me get the whistle. Get
the whistle! [whistle blows]

Got it from carnival.

-Does that feel okay to you?
-Yeah, that's nice.

-Is the temperature all right?
-Yeah.

I've put on quite a lot of foam
so it gives a deeper
sort of...clean.

Sorry. Just bear with me.
What are you doing here?

-I've got to get back to radio,
so I've got to drop her off.
-I don't finish for an hour.

I'm a bit early, but better
than being late, ain't it?

-Hiya. Are you okay, Miche?
-Tanya.

Sorry about this. Well, this
is my little girl, Angel,
who I told you about.

And this is Grindah, who is
her dad and my boyfriend.

-Oh, and that's just his friend.
-Just dropping off
the little 'un.

Little tip for ya, just give
her loads of sweets every few
minutes and she'll be happy.

-Really sorry about this.
-Sweet! See you later, girl.

-Mummy's shampooing...
-Ha! Angel!

She said "pooing"!
See you later.

-[Angel] Pooing! Poo, poo!
-Hi, Angel.

-Would you like to have
your nails done?
-Mummy said "pooing".

Sorry, Tanya.

Maybe just finish up there
and take a little break
or something.

-If you just keep relaxing...
-You're a poo!

-Tanya, I'm really sorry.
-It's fine. It's fine.

-I think she's just had
too many sweets.
-Angel! Angel!

All right, little man childs.
Listen, do you want to make
a bit of extra cash and that,

for, like, your Myspace page,
maybe you want to pimp it out,
Facebook and that?

-Excuse me.
-Hello...

Come on, Steve mate.
Haven't got time.

Bruv...
Bruv, do want any of these?

Steves, we need to find the
fucking fuse box, mate. Where
did your nan say it was?

Do you reckon the government
just gives old people, like,
drugs to try out on them?

-Fucking hell!
-Cos if they die, it's not
suspicious circumstances.

What's wrong with you? Grindah's
gonna be back any second,

you fucking moron!
We need to find it, now!

Quick! Don't you even care?

I must just bosh a load
of these, cos I not even
feeling it right now.

-Such a freak!
-What's it even look like?

It's a box that has
electricity inside it.

Have you checked these ones?

I can't hear any of the tunes,
man. Don't point it upwards.
Don't film that bit.

I'll look in the kitchen.

You getting anything
in there, Steves?

No.

Get in, get in!

Don't let me down, Beats mate.

-[music plays]
-Easy boys, what's going on?

Yeah, man. No, nothing.
All good. Everything
running smoothly, innit? Yeah.

-Yeah? Nice, nice.
-Yeah.

Get the old power back up
and running and that.

-What?
-Yeah, what?

-What?
-Nah...

Steven, you're getting
slightly confused with
your new medication.

Yeah, do you want to carry on
doing your record, babe?
Thank you.

It is really tough to
run Kurupt.

It's not that tough for me,
cos I'm naturally gifted.

-It's backbreaking labour for
you, do you know what I mean?
-Yeah.

Uh! Oh!

Who...?

Who changed the lumber
support on this?

Who's been in my seat?

I think Steves might have
used it earlier for his records.

Steves mate! It's my seat.

Beats knows that,
so he'd never touch it.

Think I'm having my blackouts
again. I don't even
remember doing that.

-[Miche] You all right?
-Easy. You good, yeah?

Yeah, watch out cos Angel's
been sick on the carpet.

-Probably all the excitement
she had today.
-She had, like, loads of sweets.

It was like a big spray
of multiple-coloured jelly.

Oh, not that bad then,
really, as sick goes.

-She had a nice day, anyway.
-Nice day? Angel!

Angel, did you say you
and Daddy had a nice day?

-No, we had the best day ever!
-Yeah.

Better than with your nana,
innit? Yeah, high-five!

-She needs to sleep.
-There you have it, people!

I am officially better
than your mum!

-Probably get going.
-Cool, mate. Nice one.

-See you tomorrow.
-Oh, man!

That's actually put me
in a great mood, to be honest.

[loud knocking on door]

Whey-hey!

Listen, I thought I'd come
and chat to Grindah,

to see if anyone is up
for a little bit of work.

Nah, they're all gone.
I've just been, sort of...

Here on my own. Finishing up
for the night and that.

I've just realised that I've
sorted out the entire
vinyl collection.

It's all in order now,
alphabetical.

[director] What do your
nan's drugs actually do?

It just livens you up,
cos old people, they slow
down at that age.

So if you aren't old
and then you do that,

you've moving
at double the speed.

Stevie, uh, what time
do you finish, mate?

Roche.

Roche.

-You heard of these things
called 40-watt light bulbs?
-Yeah.

Yeah, replace them up sometimes,
fuse boxes, whatever.

Do washing machines. Whatever
you're after, really. Chill.

-Anyone need a shit?
-[Craig] Already had two today.

No, you go for it, love.

Actually, I wonder if I...
left the bathroom light on
downstairs?

Oh, you fixed it. Thanks, love.
Not just a pretty face, are you?

Exactly.

[Chabuds] It's amazing when
he's like this, you know?

He's like...
He's like a machine.

-And everyone just says he's
some brain-dead weirdo.
-Huh?

Nah, nothing. I can't wait
for the world to see our
replica designer brands.

Look at this.

Limited edition Ralph Loren.
Polo, mate.

-Jockey's bigger
than the horse on that.
-Exactly.

-This guy is great.
-Dream job, innit?

Stay focused, Stevie,
stay focused.

-[toilet flushes]
-[Beats] She's finished.

-How was it?
-Oh, get out of my house!