People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
♪ Hype, hype, riddim, riddim!
Hype, hype, riddim, riddim! ♪
♪ Hype, hype, riddim, riddim!
Hype on the riddim,
it's a boom seleck! ♪
♪ Hype on the riddim,
it's a boom seleck! ♪
♪ Hype on the riddim,
it's a boom seleck! ♪
-It's DJ Beats right now.
-It's MC Grindah right now.
-And what time is it, Grinds?
-It's about grime time!
[director] What's changed
since we were last here?
Um, subs have gone up 50p.
-Innit?
-Yeah.
Decoy's got a
new exhaust fitted.
Yeah. Sounds
like an aeroplane.
[exhaust growls]
[director] You think you've
got more listeners now?
Yeah, I'd say we're at least
on double figures now.
-Oh, yeah.
-Per show.
-Max.
-At least. Max.
-At least, yeah.
-At least max, yeah.
-♪ B stands for brutality
- I said E ♪
-♪ Stands for the energy
-I said A ♪
-♪ Stands for Audi
-I say T ♪
-♪ Audi TT
-T! ♪
-♪ Guaranteed
-T! ♪
♪ Riding the beat
-T! ♪
[both] ♪ T! ♪
Have you got more attention
now you've got the beard?
A lot of attention
from the beard, yeah.
Getting a lot of the mums
down Green Dragon,
do you know what I mean,
checking me out and that, yeah.
Cos they know I'm on telly,
so they think I got bare money.
But I ain't, cos you lot
don't give us no money.
[Grindah] Miche!
-You get it!
-Miche!
Oh. They're 'ere!
All right, boys.
What's going on?
[Miche] It's a big day,
big event for all of us.
It's exciting.
Angel becoming a Christian
is probably the biggest event
she's ever been through,
other than being born.
-So, yeah, it's pretty big.
-[director] Are you a Christian?
I'm not technically christened,
but I'm a very spiritual person.
And I think I have
Christian morals.
Like, I love Christmas,
for example.
I love everything about
Christmas - getting presents,
eating loads of food,
so I think I do believe
in God in that way, yeah.
Miche! Do you know
where my Avirex is?
You've... Miche, there's
glitter all over it.
Oh, sorry. I've been
doing T-shirt designs.
It's hectic,
it gets everywhere.
They should have more
christening emoticons,
shouldn't they?
What I've done is like a baby's
head with some water splashes
and then a church.
Like, what else?
I dunno. Just, like,
smiley face or...
-A gun?
-Why a gun?
-Godfather, innit?
-Love that.
See ya later.
Basically, yeah, when
you get christianed,
-you need a godfather.
-Godfather.
So it's a very important
decision I have to make.
And it's going to be someone
who's very close to me...
-Yeah.
-..and someone who's loyal.
It's out of Decoy and Beats.
But...
I thought it was
going to be me.
Well, we'll see.
Whoever's the most
deserving out of them two.
-Congrats, mate. You're
in the running.
-Yeah, but...
-You've made it
to the finals.
-Oh, it's the finals?
-Yeah.
-Oh, sick!
-Lean back.
-Huh?
-Lean back.
-Oh, that's lovely, that is.
-Cheers, mate.
-It's all right.
See that?
[director] And what
are you doing here?
So these are designs for
Angel's christening T-shirt.
It's so everyone can have a
sort of memento from the day.
-Oh?
-I did GCSE Art.
So, yeah, just using
the skills and techniques
I picked up from then.
This is just a sketch.
It'll look a lot better when
a professional's done it.
Oh, shit!
Conquered the snack world,
conquered the DJ world,
the rig-doctoring world,
been there, done that,
and now I'm printing
the T-shirt.
Designer T-shirt PRINTING!
It's emphasis, you know.
-The first lady
of Kurupt FM enters.
-All right?
-How you doing?
-All right, yeah.
Thanks so much for this.
I was going to go Snappy
Snaps, but Grindah said
you could do it cheaper.
Yeah, I've actually got
my own printing machine here.
-Pretty?
-Printing machine, so...
-Pretty...?
-Printing, printing machine.
Oh, right, yeah.
Printing machine, yeah, course.
I got it off Uncle
Bobby. Yeah, he told me
that it's like a 3D printer,
but 2D, so you actually
save on energy.
-It's so big!
-That's what they
all bloody say.
Yeah, when it comes to fashion,
I'm always one step ahead.
Sometimes, people look at me
strangely and wonder
what I'm wearing.
These are actually
women's boots.
I like the heel on them,
I like the texture of them.
They're very silky smooth,
easy clean.
The jacket is real halal
lambskin leather,
blessed by the guy
at the mosque.
Okay, so I've sketched out
a sort of family portrait.
Obviously, this is rough,
so the final product will need
to be sort of more classy,
but with that sort
of essence of heaven.
Like, does that sound okay?
Yeah, definitely. Listen,
I can handle anything. I'm
a self-made guy, you know.
I came here
in '93 with nothing but
£5 and my brother's passport.
MY passport.
Definitely my passport.
[MC Grindah raps]
♪ Up and down
She's rubbing it ♪
♪ What's that?
Yeah, she's loving it ♪
♪ I said up and down
She's rubbing it ♪
♪ Up and down
She's rubbing it ♪
♪ Up and down
She's rubbing it. To be fair ♪
-♪ She's loving it ♪
-She always bloody does,
to be fair.
-Do you know what I mean?
-They always do, mate!
[director] So what
makes a good godfather?
Boy, a good godfather
is someone that is...
-That listens.
-Listens.
-Um...is loyal.
-Loyal.
-Um...looks out for people.
-For people.
-Keeps themselves to themselves.
-To themselves.
-You're talking over me.
-Sorry.
That's minus one in
the godfather chart, mate.
See that, Decoy, mate? You need
to step your levels up, mate.
Keep going.
Yeah, that's fine.
To be honest, like, the
whole godfather thing, like,
it don't really bother me.
I'm always there for them,
innit, so if they ever need me,
then I'm there, either way.
[director] Why do you care
about them so much?
That's a bit of a weird
question, to be honest, like...
I'm just there, innit.
They're like...family.
Right, so this is just mine
and Angel's dance routine,
obviously in the early stages,
but we'll just show you
where we've got to so far.
-[music plays]
-And one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Remember tits and teeth.
Decoy, stand back a bit.
Right, so I've toned down
the dance routine.
We don't need
a dance routine.
Yeah. No, sure. Absolutely,
yeah. We can see how
it goes on the day.
Cos we're ready either
way, aren't we, Ange?
Five, six, seven, eight and
lasso. And round and round.
And round. Shimmy down.
-Can we just try
and keep it simple?
-Lasso, lasso.
Miche, stop going over
the top with everything.
Do you remember the gun
fingers I taught you?
Don't confuse her,
she's got to remember
the christening routine.
No, she doesn't!
Angel, don't do a routine!
Right, so I've
sorted the T-shirts.
Uh, what else, what else?
Ooh! Do you want to see
her christening dress?
-Angel, are you looking forward
to getting christianed?
-Yes.
You know you're going to have
a new godfather tomorrow, yeah?
Which means you will always
have a guardian to protect you
throughout your tiny life.
Yeah?
Ideally, though, I suppose
he needs to be somebody
that has experience of actually
being a legal guardian.
Innit? She agreed.
Angel agreed with me!
Isn't that a bit much?
No, cos this way she could
re-use it later on in life.
I got a couple of sizes
bigger so maybe within the
next 18 months to two years,
she could use it
as a bridesmaid's dress.
No, cos we don't know anyone
that's getting married and...
Let's just change the subject.
Oh! This brings me back.
Hit me, Angel. Hit me.
Hit me!
Hit me. Angel, hit me!
Oh! We're having a great time.
We're having a great time!
[Roche] Yeah, I do think Kevin
would make a good godfather.
I mean, he's got a lot
of things going for him.
Kids love him,
he's a lot of fun.
He can be a right old laugh,
cos he's really on
their level, mentally.
-Right, now you're both dead.
-I'm not!
She seems a bit fonder of
Decoy, but I think that's
cos she sees more of him.
Uh...you know.
Put that on there. Okay.
And down...
it goes.
-[phone rings]
-Yes. Yeah, Aldona!
Hello? Aldona?
Yeah, all right,
come round later.
Yeah, come and
get it later, man.
It's bloody Abdi, innit?
He forgot his scarf.
I thought it was Aldona.
-[director] So where is Aldona?
-She's very spontaneous.
Sometimes she'll just head
out for a couple of months
and she'll come back with,
you know, my credit card.
Hopefully, this time, Aldona!
You know, she's like a
bloody sexy, slutty Frisbee.
You know, I throw
her away sometimes.
She'll always come back, mate.
It's all banter, you know.
Banter, banter.
No, please come back, Aldona.
So do you know who the
godfather's going to be, then?
I feel like it has
to be Beats, surely?
Cos, you know, I think
he'd be really good,
like caring and thoughtful.
Well, you still got Decoy
in the running.
I just think it feels
a bit weird Decoy
being the godfather.
-Why would it be weird?
-Oh, I dunno.
Oh, Miche, come on!
Get with the times. It's
the 21st century, all right?
-Skin colour does not matter.
-Oh, my God! No,
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying,
he's around a lot already.
-That's a good thing.
-Oh, my God, Chapatti's here!
-Hello.
-Special delivery
for Lady Miche.
-Can I have a look?
-You may.
Killed it.
-Smashed it.
-Oh, my God. Chapatti...
I think I hate them.
This is ruined!
[she sobs]
What the fuck's
she going on about? Miche!
-Tell him to fuck off!
-It glitters.
-Fucking hell, mate. Jesus!
-Classy.
I'm not having her crying
all through my godfather
announcement, all right?
Right, we need
to think of something.
Here's what we're going to do.
You bosh out some T-shirts,
something simple.
-Just like a picture
of Angel and the date.
-Okay, cool.
-So what are you going to do?
-What do you mean?
No, I thought
you were going to say,
"And I'll do this and that".
Mate, I've got a very important,
life-changing decision
to make, yeah,
about my daughter,
who's getting christianed.
I ain't got time to be fucking
around with you and that. Sweet.
Cool.
Delegations.
You know what I mean?
For fuck's sake,
how do you do this? Miche!
Miche!
[she sobs]
Go away!
I need help with my tie.
I can't clip it on.
[director]
Are you big into your religion?
No, we're not really
religious sort of people.
I'd say, personally, if I was
to choose one I related to,
-I'd probably be Rasta.
-Would they do christenings?
Yeah. They do their own sort
of tip, where they all go into,
like, a mountain in Jamaica and
just all sit in a massive tent,
-relaxing and blazing
all night.
-Yeah.
-That's nice.
-Thank you.
I thought the pink looks
quite nice, doesn't it,
with the brown of the cross?
Ah, Miche gets proper
weird around churches.
She starts banging on
about marriage constantly.
I don't see why she'd want
me and her to be related.
If anything, I think that
would put me off wanting
to do anything with her.
It's basically incest, innit?
So do you do any sort of
loyalty discounts here then?
-You mean for other events?
-Yeah, like weddings or...
Well, weddings are a slightly
different case because,
for a wedding,
you have to be a member
of the congregation.
See the mic situation? Is it
wireless based or is it...?
-We don't have mics, sorry.
-No mics?
-No worries, I've got my own.
-All right, okay.
Just so you know,
your friend is down there.
-He's been here all night.
-Oh, for fuck's sake. Steves!
-Steves! Wake up, you mess!
-I got your text message.
Did I miss the cremation?
Nah, you got a good
20 minutes left.
-Sorry, can I help you?
-Ah! You have got a mic.
Well, it's for... We use this
for, sort of, big services.
This is going to be a big
service. How do you...?
Pop that in there for me,
please, mate. Go on.
-Well...
-Come on. No, out the way.
Woah! We're gonna have
to get this removed.
-[Steves] Is there anything
I can be sick into?
-Yeah, there's loads of stuff.
Here you go.
-Cheers, man.
-It's all right, mate.
We'll wash it.
That's not going to be enough.
Is there a bigger one?
[Steves] Nah, I wouldn't say
I got a drug problem.
I've got the opposite of
a drug problem, to be honest.
I've got no problem
with drugs whatsoever.
I'll try anything.
-We gather in the front.
-Yeah, yeah. You've got
everyone sitting there.
I'll probably pop you
off to the side there.
-I'm by the font, normally.
-Yeah? No, that's good.
Good, good, good,
good, good.
There it is.
You're going to get
christianed in there.
That's where you're
going to meet God!
Not if you don't make it down
the stairs in them heels, Carol!
Just wiggle in. Come here.
Let me look at you, darling.
Ah, that's nice.
Here she is! Look at
the princess! Ah!
Your shirt's untucked.
Is he looking?
Come on.
-Grindah, you see that?
-What?
-Just tucked Craig's shirt in...
-You have to go in, mate.
-You've got a bit of glitter
on your cheek.
-What?
-Bit of glitter. Bit of glitter.
-Is it gone?
Yeah.
Miche? Have you
got any pants on?
-What? Yeah!
I've got a thong on.
-Just looking.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Mum, this is the vicar.
-Hello, darling.
-And this is Angel.
-Nice to meet you.
-Lovely to meet you.
-Just say hello to the vicar.
-I'll come and speak to you.
-All right.
Hello. Welcome, welcome.
-Don't you look lovely?
-Yeah, she does, doesn't she?
Like a little angel.
I've just come
straight from the rave?
Do you still feel fucked?
Mic's not working. Come on.
Try it. Try it.
It's not working.
I had face paint all over
my face when I got here.
Lucky there was that little sink
on the way in to wash your face.
Mate, that's holy water.
What happens if you get
it on your face?
Makes you religious
or something.
I didn't mean to be religious.
Hope they've got them ready,
to be honest, mate, cos...
I haven't got time, mate. I've
been up all night, you know.
I'm not in the mood, mate.
All right, geezer. I'm here
to pick up my T-shirts.
-I've got a receipt for you.
-Yeah, mate.
Nice bit of kit you've got
there, actually, mate.
-Is it a smooth mechanism
on that, yeah?
-Yeah, it's okay.
Do you make some decent
profit off that?
What kind of money you making,
net profit, kind of margins?
-I'm not sure.
-Cash flow?
-That's £225, please.
-225 quid!
-I'm sorry for your loss,
by the way.
-Huh?
No, it's fine, mate.
It's no problem.
It's very reasonable anyway.
You've got to lose some
to gain some, you know?
Do your pout.
-Perfect! Stunning.
-Nice.
-Miche, Miche.
-What?
-What's he want?
-I don't know.
Can you watch my bag?
Yeah, course I can.
Come on, come on.
Easy!
How you doing, Selecta?
You all right, yeah?
Angel. Angel.
Angel.
Angel.
Angel.
-Oh, my God!
-Yeah!
-You got him to re-do
the T-shirts!
-Yeah.
-That's so romantic!
-It's not romantic,
it's just normal.
That shows how committed
you are to me.
Not really, you just
needed them done, so don't...
Ta-dah!
Oh, my God.
They are stunning!
-Oh, thank you so much!
-No worries. No worries.
Craigy boy! Have a look.
One for you, mate.
It looks like she's died!
Oh, man, that T-shirt!
Like she was, you know...
We were at a wake or something.
It was really funny.
Hoh!
-Stevie...T-shirt.
-Sorry.
Jesus' eyes were watching me.
No, Miche, it ain't going
to go over. No, I can tell.
Put it on, Beats, mate.
Put it on, mate. Come on!
Take your top off.
Take your top off. Yeah.
-All right, shall we go up?
-Angel.
Will you take pictures?
You can take some pictures.
Just go up there.
-Just go like that.
-Thank you.
Angel, do you wish
to be baptised?
Say yes, Angel, yeah?
-Yes.
-Yes? Well done.
-Let us pray.
-Hands together, everybody!
Or not, is it? Nah.
Here, we are washed by the
Holy Spirit and made clean.
Here, we are
clothed with Christ,
dying to sin that we may
live His risen life.
-Decoy. Shall I
take Angel for a bit?
-If you want, mate.
Yeah. Come on.
Come to Uncle Beats.
-You got her?
-Yeah, come on.
You give to your
faithful people new life
in the water of baptism.
Angel. Just stand closer
to me than Uncle Decoy, yeah?
..May serve you in faith
and love and grow...
Is that your family over there?
It's a bit weird, innit?
"Ooh, I'm Decoy.
I bring my family with me.
I want to be godfather."
-..Amen.
-Pathetic.
And now we come
to the responses.
Do you reject the devil and
all rebellion against God?
-Everyone? Yes!
-I reject them.
The responses are on the sheet.
"I reject them".
-I reject them.
-Do you renounce the deceit
and corruption of evil?
-Yeah, I do.
-I renounce them.
Do you turn to Christ
as saviour?
-Yeah.
-I turn to Christ.
Do you submit to Christ,
our Lord?
I submit to Christ, our Lord.
Christ claims you for his own.
Receive the sign of his cross.
[Grindah laughs] It's like,
I was thinking, the power
of Christ compels you!
-Yes, all right, thank you.
-That's from Exorcist, innit?
About the girl's mum noshing
people off to hell! I love that!
If the father would like
to step forward, please.
No worries, mate.
I'll take over from here.
-Pass me the mic, please, mate.
-Yeah, sure.
Angel, if you just stand there.
Right!
Welcome, people.
As you all know, I've
had the important decision
of who will be the godfather.
-Very important.
-Exactly.
It's, uh... it's something
I took very seriously.
I even watched this
film called The Godfather
to help me work out
what it is they actually do.
I didn't end up watching
it all, cos it is quite long.
But the point is,
I learnt that it is more
than just some little name
given to you by some silly
little John in a church. Yeah?
It's about loyalty.
It's about respect.
It's about being the
head of a crime family.
Which is something we know a
little bit about, isn't it?
So, for that reason,
I feel there is no one better
for the role of godfather...
than...
Me! MC Grindah!
I now declare myself godfather!
[applause]
Good, good.
Should have had, maybe,
little drinks for this bit.
Like a toast.
Anyway, good.
Back to you, mate.
The best man won in the end
of the day, innit?
-Good job, mate.
-Yeah, same to you, mate.
..And come to the inheritance
of the saints in glory, amen.
You're christianed!
-[applause]
-Thanks. Thank you, everybody.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Come on then, let's go.
Let's go and eat buffet.
Thank you, everybody.
Great ceremony, innit?
Yeah, it was really
good, man. Craig!
Come on, come with Mum.
Went well.
[director]
What about Angel, is she happy?
Ah, very much so.
She didn't have a clue
about it and, to be honest,
if she had some next John
always there, she'd be
like, "Who's that?"
She's got Daddy there,
do you know what I mean,
aka The Godfather, like.
Steves! It's time to go.
-What you doing?
-Just...just talking to Jesus.
What you saying to him?
Just apologising, cos...
I'm a bit worried that
he's put a curse on me.
You're just on
a come-down, man.
We'll go back to Grindah's
and we'll sort all this out.
Bye, Jesus.
Going to church is definitely
one of the most...
like, intense things you can
do on a come-down, really.
Oh, wait a second.
But I just try and avoid
comedowns as much as possible.
[director]
How do you avoid them?
Just do more drugs, basically.
[music plays]
Go on, give it a go, Craig.
Probably got
Little Mix on there.
Listen to me, Miche.
I just think...
Decoy would be a better
choice, that's all.
It doesn't really matter.
All that matters is that
Angel's going to go heaven.
-He's the perfect man.
-Whatever, Mum.
Nobody's perfect.
If he ain't, he'll fucking
do till Mr Perfect turns up.
Cheers, darling.
-I would smash him
into next week.
-Mum!
I would! I don't care!
He'd wake up, "Ooh, what day is
it?" "It's next week, darling."
Oh!
Beats! Decoy!
Ready for you, mate!
I got to go do this
Jah ceremony to help
Steves with his come-down.
-Yeah. Sweet.
-Take a seat there.
Yeah!
-Miche! Miche!
-Huh?
How about Angel?
I have got it all ready.
-Nah, do her when she's older.
-Sure?
Cos we have hotboxed her room
out, so we are good to go.
Yeah, that's fine.
She's busy doing her karaoke.
-Last chance!
-No, it's fine.
All right, sweet!
[director] Do you think
that Grindah and Miche
are good parents?
Well, you know,
I don't judge other people.
But, no, probably not.
Miche is lovely
and I reckon she's doing
her best, but, you know,
with an absolute
twat in the house...
How can...how can
he be a good father?
[clapping and cheering]
Who wants cake?
Do you want cake?
-Yeah, I'll have some.
-Happy christening!
What sort of portion
control do you...?
Steves, this is for you,
mate, all right?
We'll get you back,
keep toking it.
♪ If it wasn't for the girl
you're holding tight ♪
♪ If it wasn't for the girl
you're holding tonight ♪
I watched this
documentary once,
where they all just
go into a hill in Jamaica
in a fucking big tent
and just chill and blaze.
And that's how you cleanse
yourself with the
power of Jah Rastafari.
[director]
What is Rastafarianism?
Uh, you're so white!
Rastafarianism is a movement
that started in Jamaica...
with a geezer
called Bob Marley
and he just blazed a lot,
made some of the best
music in the world.
Boom, there you go.
The Rastas was born.
Oh, I can feel it now.
I can feel the
curse being lifted.
-Five, six, seven, eight.
-Go on, then!
-Go on, Ange!
-Oh, yeah!
Oh, I love it! I love it!
Whoo!
Aaah!
Easy. Just exorcised
Steves' come-down.
Jesus has been defeated!
That's it. Spin her, spin her!
Now you spin me!
Spin Mummy, Ange. Spin Mummy.
Yeah, I made the right decision
with the whole godfather thing.
At the end of the day...
you don't send a boy in
to do a man's job, do ya?
Yeah, but you know
I'd always be there
for you anyway, so...
[Grindah] I checked it out and
there's not actually that much
to it. It's just good to get her
done.
-Yeah, set her up
for life and that.
-Exactly.
Cos if she does end up going
down a darker path or whatever,
like, becoming a brass or
a murderer or whatever,
then I know she'll
always go to heaven.
[Beats] Yeah. Straight into the
VIP.
Hype, hype, riddim, riddim! ♪
♪ Hype, hype, riddim, riddim!
Hype on the riddim,
it's a boom seleck! ♪
♪ Hype on the riddim,
it's a boom seleck! ♪
♪ Hype on the riddim,
it's a boom seleck! ♪
-It's DJ Beats right now.
-It's MC Grindah right now.
-And what time is it, Grinds?
-It's about grime time!
[director] What's changed
since we were last here?
Um, subs have gone up 50p.
-Innit?
-Yeah.
Decoy's got a
new exhaust fitted.
Yeah. Sounds
like an aeroplane.
[exhaust growls]
[director] You think you've
got more listeners now?
Yeah, I'd say we're at least
on double figures now.
-Oh, yeah.
-Per show.
-Max.
-At least. Max.
-At least, yeah.
-At least max, yeah.
-♪ B stands for brutality
- I said E ♪
-♪ Stands for the energy
-I said A ♪
-♪ Stands for Audi
-I say T ♪
-♪ Audi TT
-T! ♪
-♪ Guaranteed
-T! ♪
♪ Riding the beat
-T! ♪
[both] ♪ T! ♪
Have you got more attention
now you've got the beard?
A lot of attention
from the beard, yeah.
Getting a lot of the mums
down Green Dragon,
do you know what I mean,
checking me out and that, yeah.
Cos they know I'm on telly,
so they think I got bare money.
But I ain't, cos you lot
don't give us no money.
[Grindah] Miche!
-You get it!
-Miche!
Oh. They're 'ere!
All right, boys.
What's going on?
[Miche] It's a big day,
big event for all of us.
It's exciting.
Angel becoming a Christian
is probably the biggest event
she's ever been through,
other than being born.
-So, yeah, it's pretty big.
-[director] Are you a Christian?
I'm not technically christened,
but I'm a very spiritual person.
And I think I have
Christian morals.
Like, I love Christmas,
for example.
I love everything about
Christmas - getting presents,
eating loads of food,
so I think I do believe
in God in that way, yeah.
Miche! Do you know
where my Avirex is?
You've... Miche, there's
glitter all over it.
Oh, sorry. I've been
doing T-shirt designs.
It's hectic,
it gets everywhere.
They should have more
christening emoticons,
shouldn't they?
What I've done is like a baby's
head with some water splashes
and then a church.
Like, what else?
I dunno. Just, like,
smiley face or...
-A gun?
-Why a gun?
-Godfather, innit?
-Love that.
See ya later.
Basically, yeah, when
you get christianed,
-you need a godfather.
-Godfather.
So it's a very important
decision I have to make.
And it's going to be someone
who's very close to me...
-Yeah.
-..and someone who's loyal.
It's out of Decoy and Beats.
But...
I thought it was
going to be me.
Well, we'll see.
Whoever's the most
deserving out of them two.
-Congrats, mate. You're
in the running.
-Yeah, but...
-You've made it
to the finals.
-Oh, it's the finals?
-Yeah.
-Oh, sick!
-Lean back.
-Huh?
-Lean back.
-Oh, that's lovely, that is.
-Cheers, mate.
-It's all right.
See that?
[director] And what
are you doing here?
So these are designs for
Angel's christening T-shirt.
It's so everyone can have a
sort of memento from the day.
-Oh?
-I did GCSE Art.
So, yeah, just using
the skills and techniques
I picked up from then.
This is just a sketch.
It'll look a lot better when
a professional's done it.
Oh, shit!
Conquered the snack world,
conquered the DJ world,
the rig-doctoring world,
been there, done that,
and now I'm printing
the T-shirt.
Designer T-shirt PRINTING!
It's emphasis, you know.
-The first lady
of Kurupt FM enters.
-All right?
-How you doing?
-All right, yeah.
Thanks so much for this.
I was going to go Snappy
Snaps, but Grindah said
you could do it cheaper.
Yeah, I've actually got
my own printing machine here.
-Pretty?
-Printing machine, so...
-Pretty...?
-Printing, printing machine.
Oh, right, yeah.
Printing machine, yeah, course.
I got it off Uncle
Bobby. Yeah, he told me
that it's like a 3D printer,
but 2D, so you actually
save on energy.
-It's so big!
-That's what they
all bloody say.
Yeah, when it comes to fashion,
I'm always one step ahead.
Sometimes, people look at me
strangely and wonder
what I'm wearing.
These are actually
women's boots.
I like the heel on them,
I like the texture of them.
They're very silky smooth,
easy clean.
The jacket is real halal
lambskin leather,
blessed by the guy
at the mosque.
Okay, so I've sketched out
a sort of family portrait.
Obviously, this is rough,
so the final product will need
to be sort of more classy,
but with that sort
of essence of heaven.
Like, does that sound okay?
Yeah, definitely. Listen,
I can handle anything. I'm
a self-made guy, you know.
I came here
in '93 with nothing but
£5 and my brother's passport.
MY passport.
Definitely my passport.
[MC Grindah raps]
♪ Up and down
She's rubbing it ♪
♪ What's that?
Yeah, she's loving it ♪
♪ I said up and down
She's rubbing it ♪
♪ Up and down
She's rubbing it ♪
♪ Up and down
She's rubbing it. To be fair ♪
-♪ She's loving it ♪
-She always bloody does,
to be fair.
-Do you know what I mean?
-They always do, mate!
[director] So what
makes a good godfather?
Boy, a good godfather
is someone that is...
-That listens.
-Listens.
-Um...is loyal.
-Loyal.
-Um...looks out for people.
-For people.
-Keeps themselves to themselves.
-To themselves.
-You're talking over me.
-Sorry.
That's minus one in
the godfather chart, mate.
See that, Decoy, mate? You need
to step your levels up, mate.
Keep going.
Yeah, that's fine.
To be honest, like, the
whole godfather thing, like,
it don't really bother me.
I'm always there for them,
innit, so if they ever need me,
then I'm there, either way.
[director] Why do you care
about them so much?
That's a bit of a weird
question, to be honest, like...
I'm just there, innit.
They're like...family.
Right, so this is just mine
and Angel's dance routine,
obviously in the early stages,
but we'll just show you
where we've got to so far.
-[music plays]
-And one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
Remember tits and teeth.
Decoy, stand back a bit.
Right, so I've toned down
the dance routine.
We don't need
a dance routine.
Yeah. No, sure. Absolutely,
yeah. We can see how
it goes on the day.
Cos we're ready either
way, aren't we, Ange?
Five, six, seven, eight and
lasso. And round and round.
And round. Shimmy down.
-Can we just try
and keep it simple?
-Lasso, lasso.
Miche, stop going over
the top with everything.
Do you remember the gun
fingers I taught you?
Don't confuse her,
she's got to remember
the christening routine.
No, she doesn't!
Angel, don't do a routine!
Right, so I've
sorted the T-shirts.
Uh, what else, what else?
Ooh! Do you want to see
her christening dress?
-Angel, are you looking forward
to getting christianed?
-Yes.
You know you're going to have
a new godfather tomorrow, yeah?
Which means you will always
have a guardian to protect you
throughout your tiny life.
Yeah?
Ideally, though, I suppose
he needs to be somebody
that has experience of actually
being a legal guardian.
Innit? She agreed.
Angel agreed with me!
Isn't that a bit much?
No, cos this way she could
re-use it later on in life.
I got a couple of sizes
bigger so maybe within the
next 18 months to two years,
she could use it
as a bridesmaid's dress.
No, cos we don't know anyone
that's getting married and...
Let's just change the subject.
Oh! This brings me back.
Hit me, Angel. Hit me.
Hit me!
Hit me. Angel, hit me!
Oh! We're having a great time.
We're having a great time!
[Roche] Yeah, I do think Kevin
would make a good godfather.
I mean, he's got a lot
of things going for him.
Kids love him,
he's a lot of fun.
He can be a right old laugh,
cos he's really on
their level, mentally.
-Right, now you're both dead.
-I'm not!
She seems a bit fonder of
Decoy, but I think that's
cos she sees more of him.
Uh...you know.
Put that on there. Okay.
And down...
it goes.
-[phone rings]
-Yes. Yeah, Aldona!
Hello? Aldona?
Yeah, all right,
come round later.
Yeah, come and
get it later, man.
It's bloody Abdi, innit?
He forgot his scarf.
I thought it was Aldona.
-[director] So where is Aldona?
-She's very spontaneous.
Sometimes she'll just head
out for a couple of months
and she'll come back with,
you know, my credit card.
Hopefully, this time, Aldona!
You know, she's like a
bloody sexy, slutty Frisbee.
You know, I throw
her away sometimes.
She'll always come back, mate.
It's all banter, you know.
Banter, banter.
No, please come back, Aldona.
So do you know who the
godfather's going to be, then?
I feel like it has
to be Beats, surely?
Cos, you know, I think
he'd be really good,
like caring and thoughtful.
Well, you still got Decoy
in the running.
I just think it feels
a bit weird Decoy
being the godfather.
-Why would it be weird?
-Oh, I dunno.
Oh, Miche, come on!
Get with the times. It's
the 21st century, all right?
-Skin colour does not matter.
-Oh, my God! No,
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying,
he's around a lot already.
-That's a good thing.
-Oh, my God, Chapatti's here!
-Hello.
-Special delivery
for Lady Miche.
-Can I have a look?
-You may.
Killed it.
-Smashed it.
-Oh, my God. Chapatti...
I think I hate them.
This is ruined!
[she sobs]
What the fuck's
she going on about? Miche!
-Tell him to fuck off!
-It glitters.
-Fucking hell, mate. Jesus!
-Classy.
I'm not having her crying
all through my godfather
announcement, all right?
Right, we need
to think of something.
Here's what we're going to do.
You bosh out some T-shirts,
something simple.
-Just like a picture
of Angel and the date.
-Okay, cool.
-So what are you going to do?
-What do you mean?
No, I thought
you were going to say,
"And I'll do this and that".
Mate, I've got a very important,
life-changing decision
to make, yeah,
about my daughter,
who's getting christianed.
I ain't got time to be fucking
around with you and that. Sweet.
Cool.
Delegations.
You know what I mean?
For fuck's sake,
how do you do this? Miche!
Miche!
[she sobs]
Go away!
I need help with my tie.
I can't clip it on.
[director]
Are you big into your religion?
No, we're not really
religious sort of people.
I'd say, personally, if I was
to choose one I related to,
-I'd probably be Rasta.
-Would they do christenings?
Yeah. They do their own sort
of tip, where they all go into,
like, a mountain in Jamaica and
just all sit in a massive tent,
-relaxing and blazing
all night.
-Yeah.
-That's nice.
-Thank you.
I thought the pink looks
quite nice, doesn't it,
with the brown of the cross?
Ah, Miche gets proper
weird around churches.
She starts banging on
about marriage constantly.
I don't see why she'd want
me and her to be related.
If anything, I think that
would put me off wanting
to do anything with her.
It's basically incest, innit?
So do you do any sort of
loyalty discounts here then?
-You mean for other events?
-Yeah, like weddings or...
Well, weddings are a slightly
different case because,
for a wedding,
you have to be a member
of the congregation.
See the mic situation? Is it
wireless based or is it...?
-We don't have mics, sorry.
-No mics?
-No worries, I've got my own.
-All right, okay.
Just so you know,
your friend is down there.
-He's been here all night.
-Oh, for fuck's sake. Steves!
-Steves! Wake up, you mess!
-I got your text message.
Did I miss the cremation?
Nah, you got a good
20 minutes left.
-Sorry, can I help you?
-Ah! You have got a mic.
Well, it's for... We use this
for, sort of, big services.
This is going to be a big
service. How do you...?
Pop that in there for me,
please, mate. Go on.
-Well...
-Come on. No, out the way.
Woah! We're gonna have
to get this removed.
-[Steves] Is there anything
I can be sick into?
-Yeah, there's loads of stuff.
Here you go.
-Cheers, man.
-It's all right, mate.
We'll wash it.
That's not going to be enough.
Is there a bigger one?
[Steves] Nah, I wouldn't say
I got a drug problem.
I've got the opposite of
a drug problem, to be honest.
I've got no problem
with drugs whatsoever.
I'll try anything.
-We gather in the front.
-Yeah, yeah. You've got
everyone sitting there.
I'll probably pop you
off to the side there.
-I'm by the font, normally.
-Yeah? No, that's good.
Good, good, good,
good, good.
There it is.
You're going to get
christianed in there.
That's where you're
going to meet God!
Not if you don't make it down
the stairs in them heels, Carol!
Just wiggle in. Come here.
Let me look at you, darling.
Ah, that's nice.
Here she is! Look at
the princess! Ah!
Your shirt's untucked.
Is he looking?
Come on.
-Grindah, you see that?
-What?
-Just tucked Craig's shirt in...
-You have to go in, mate.
-You've got a bit of glitter
on your cheek.
-What?
-Bit of glitter. Bit of glitter.
-Is it gone?
Yeah.
Miche? Have you
got any pants on?
-What? Yeah!
I've got a thong on.
-Just looking.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Mum, this is the vicar.
-Hello, darling.
-And this is Angel.
-Nice to meet you.
-Lovely to meet you.
-Just say hello to the vicar.
-I'll come and speak to you.
-All right.
Hello. Welcome, welcome.
-Don't you look lovely?
-Yeah, she does, doesn't she?
Like a little angel.
I've just come
straight from the rave?
Do you still feel fucked?
Mic's not working. Come on.
Try it. Try it.
It's not working.
I had face paint all over
my face when I got here.
Lucky there was that little sink
on the way in to wash your face.
Mate, that's holy water.
What happens if you get
it on your face?
Makes you religious
or something.
I didn't mean to be religious.
Hope they've got them ready,
to be honest, mate, cos...
I haven't got time, mate. I've
been up all night, you know.
I'm not in the mood, mate.
All right, geezer. I'm here
to pick up my T-shirts.
-I've got a receipt for you.
-Yeah, mate.
Nice bit of kit you've got
there, actually, mate.
-Is it a smooth mechanism
on that, yeah?
-Yeah, it's okay.
Do you make some decent
profit off that?
What kind of money you making,
net profit, kind of margins?
-I'm not sure.
-Cash flow?
-That's £225, please.
-225 quid!
-I'm sorry for your loss,
by the way.
-Huh?
No, it's fine, mate.
It's no problem.
It's very reasonable anyway.
You've got to lose some
to gain some, you know?
Do your pout.
-Perfect! Stunning.
-Nice.
-Miche, Miche.
-What?
-What's he want?
-I don't know.
Can you watch my bag?
Yeah, course I can.
Come on, come on.
Easy!
How you doing, Selecta?
You all right, yeah?
Angel. Angel.
Angel.
Angel.
Angel.
-Oh, my God!
-Yeah!
-You got him to re-do
the T-shirts!
-Yeah.
-That's so romantic!
-It's not romantic,
it's just normal.
That shows how committed
you are to me.
Not really, you just
needed them done, so don't...
Ta-dah!
Oh, my God.
They are stunning!
-Oh, thank you so much!
-No worries. No worries.
Craigy boy! Have a look.
One for you, mate.
It looks like she's died!
Oh, man, that T-shirt!
Like she was, you know...
We were at a wake or something.
It was really funny.
Hoh!
-Stevie...T-shirt.
-Sorry.
Jesus' eyes were watching me.
No, Miche, it ain't going
to go over. No, I can tell.
Put it on, Beats, mate.
Put it on, mate. Come on!
Take your top off.
Take your top off. Yeah.
-All right, shall we go up?
-Angel.
Will you take pictures?
You can take some pictures.
Just go up there.
-Just go like that.
-Thank you.
Angel, do you wish
to be baptised?
Say yes, Angel, yeah?
-Yes.
-Yes? Well done.
-Let us pray.
-Hands together, everybody!
Or not, is it? Nah.
Here, we are washed by the
Holy Spirit and made clean.
Here, we are
clothed with Christ,
dying to sin that we may
live His risen life.
-Decoy. Shall I
take Angel for a bit?
-If you want, mate.
Yeah. Come on.
Come to Uncle Beats.
-You got her?
-Yeah, come on.
You give to your
faithful people new life
in the water of baptism.
Angel. Just stand closer
to me than Uncle Decoy, yeah?
..May serve you in faith
and love and grow...
Is that your family over there?
It's a bit weird, innit?
"Ooh, I'm Decoy.
I bring my family with me.
I want to be godfather."
-..Amen.
-Pathetic.
And now we come
to the responses.
Do you reject the devil and
all rebellion against God?
-Everyone? Yes!
-I reject them.
The responses are on the sheet.
"I reject them".
-I reject them.
-Do you renounce the deceit
and corruption of evil?
-Yeah, I do.
-I renounce them.
Do you turn to Christ
as saviour?
-Yeah.
-I turn to Christ.
Do you submit to Christ,
our Lord?
I submit to Christ, our Lord.
Christ claims you for his own.
Receive the sign of his cross.
[Grindah laughs] It's like,
I was thinking, the power
of Christ compels you!
-Yes, all right, thank you.
-That's from Exorcist, innit?
About the girl's mum noshing
people off to hell! I love that!
If the father would like
to step forward, please.
No worries, mate.
I'll take over from here.
-Pass me the mic, please, mate.
-Yeah, sure.
Angel, if you just stand there.
Right!
Welcome, people.
As you all know, I've
had the important decision
of who will be the godfather.
-Very important.
-Exactly.
It's, uh... it's something
I took very seriously.
I even watched this
film called The Godfather
to help me work out
what it is they actually do.
I didn't end up watching
it all, cos it is quite long.
But the point is,
I learnt that it is more
than just some little name
given to you by some silly
little John in a church. Yeah?
It's about loyalty.
It's about respect.
It's about being the
head of a crime family.
Which is something we know a
little bit about, isn't it?
So, for that reason,
I feel there is no one better
for the role of godfather...
than...
Me! MC Grindah!
I now declare myself godfather!
[applause]
Good, good.
Should have had, maybe,
little drinks for this bit.
Like a toast.
Anyway, good.
Back to you, mate.
The best man won in the end
of the day, innit?
-Good job, mate.
-Yeah, same to you, mate.
..And come to the inheritance
of the saints in glory, amen.
You're christianed!
-[applause]
-Thanks. Thank you, everybody.
-Amen!
-Amen!
Come on then, let's go.
Let's go and eat buffet.
Thank you, everybody.
Great ceremony, innit?
Yeah, it was really
good, man. Craig!
Come on, come with Mum.
Went well.
[director]
What about Angel, is she happy?
Ah, very much so.
She didn't have a clue
about it and, to be honest,
if she had some next John
always there, she'd be
like, "Who's that?"
She's got Daddy there,
do you know what I mean,
aka The Godfather, like.
Steves! It's time to go.
-What you doing?
-Just...just talking to Jesus.
What you saying to him?
Just apologising, cos...
I'm a bit worried that
he's put a curse on me.
You're just on
a come-down, man.
We'll go back to Grindah's
and we'll sort all this out.
Bye, Jesus.
Going to church is definitely
one of the most...
like, intense things you can
do on a come-down, really.
Oh, wait a second.
But I just try and avoid
comedowns as much as possible.
[director]
How do you avoid them?
Just do more drugs, basically.
[music plays]
Go on, give it a go, Craig.
Probably got
Little Mix on there.
Listen to me, Miche.
I just think...
Decoy would be a better
choice, that's all.
It doesn't really matter.
All that matters is that
Angel's going to go heaven.
-He's the perfect man.
-Whatever, Mum.
Nobody's perfect.
If he ain't, he'll fucking
do till Mr Perfect turns up.
Cheers, darling.
-I would smash him
into next week.
-Mum!
I would! I don't care!
He'd wake up, "Ooh, what day is
it?" "It's next week, darling."
Oh!
Beats! Decoy!
Ready for you, mate!
I got to go do this
Jah ceremony to help
Steves with his come-down.
-Yeah. Sweet.
-Take a seat there.
Yeah!
-Miche! Miche!
-Huh?
How about Angel?
I have got it all ready.
-Nah, do her when she's older.
-Sure?
Cos we have hotboxed her room
out, so we are good to go.
Yeah, that's fine.
She's busy doing her karaoke.
-Last chance!
-No, it's fine.
All right, sweet!
[director] Do you think
that Grindah and Miche
are good parents?
Well, you know,
I don't judge other people.
But, no, probably not.
Miche is lovely
and I reckon she's doing
her best, but, you know,
with an absolute
twat in the house...
How can...how can
he be a good father?
[clapping and cheering]
Who wants cake?
Do you want cake?
-Yeah, I'll have some.
-Happy christening!
What sort of portion
control do you...?
Steves, this is for you,
mate, all right?
We'll get you back,
keep toking it.
♪ If it wasn't for the girl
you're holding tight ♪
♪ If it wasn't for the girl
you're holding tonight ♪
I watched this
documentary once,
where they all just
go into a hill in Jamaica
in a fucking big tent
and just chill and blaze.
And that's how you cleanse
yourself with the
power of Jah Rastafari.
[director]
What is Rastafarianism?
Uh, you're so white!
Rastafarianism is a movement
that started in Jamaica...
with a geezer
called Bob Marley
and he just blazed a lot,
made some of the best
music in the world.
Boom, there you go.
The Rastas was born.
Oh, I can feel it now.
I can feel the
curse being lifted.
-Five, six, seven, eight.
-Go on, then!
-Go on, Ange!
-Oh, yeah!
Oh, I love it! I love it!
Whoo!
Aaah!
Easy. Just exorcised
Steves' come-down.
Jesus has been defeated!
That's it. Spin her, spin her!
Now you spin me!
Spin Mummy, Ange. Spin Mummy.
Yeah, I made the right decision
with the whole godfather thing.
At the end of the day...
you don't send a boy in
to do a man's job, do ya?
Yeah, but you know
I'd always be there
for you anyway, so...
[Grindah] I checked it out and
there's not actually that much
to it. It's just good to get her
done.
-Yeah, set her up
for life and that.
-Exactly.
Cos if she does end up going
down a darker path or whatever,
like, becoming a brass or
a murderer or whatever,
then I know she'll
always go to heaven.
[Beats] Yeah. Straight into the
VIP.