People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Website - full transcript
♪ Hey, hey! Who's really,
really, really ready, ready? ♪
-♪ Who's ready?
-Who's really, really ready? ♪
♪ All the crew inside,
locked in, locked on, yeah? ♪
♪ Got the cameramans here
and we're just saying, yeah? ♪
♪ Don't forget Kurupt FM
website coming very soon! ♪
Every business these days
needs a website.
We're always expanding, getting
bigger and bigger every day.
-We're like Japan.
-Yeah, next global superpower.
They got a website
as well, ain't they?
Probably what started them off
in the first place.
Big it up, man, like Lambrini
Bob in Isleworth, yeah?
Requesting that show, like,
Hammer Dub. I see's ya.
Going global is a big
opportunity for us, actually.
Cos right now, we're
just like UK based.
Get more and more fans, like.
Obviously, we've got enough
probably, but...
the website will, like,
take us to our next level.
[rapping]
Available from all
good internet outlets.
[Miche] Come on, like.
We're gonna be late for school.
If anyone tries to mug you off,
you call Daddy, all right?
-Yes.
-Big Daddy Grindah. Sweet!
Any little mug tries it, I
don't care what age they are,
they'll get crushed.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no.
It's the diagonal strap there.
Best way for it.
See you later.
See you at five.
-It's half three.
-Half three?
You've got it well easy,
ain't ya?
Completely different to my day.
Oh!
Roche!
Rochelle! Roche!
The washing machine's fucked.
Maybe it's time you
tried fixing it then.
Perhaps you could
show Craig as well.
Be good if he had some skills
beyond eating and playing
World War Duty.
-Call of Duty.
-Call of Duty.
Right, cool.
I've gotta bounce.
-I've got a radio meeting
about a website.
-Okay.
Craig David. Laters.
See you later.
All right, I'm leaving it
with you. Get it sorted.
I'll have a look at it tonight.
I chucked some towels
down to soak the water up.
-What water?
-Catch you on the flip side,
yeah?
Kevin, what water?
[horn honks]
Mate, the internet
is gonna be big, like.
Grindah only started believing
in the internet when it had
all the pornos on his.
I thought it's gotta be good
if it's got that.
I said it to Decoy, like,
we might have to get
a bigger studio, innit?
-Yeah. Just to deal with
all the emails and that.
-Yeah, exactly.
Probably get wifi.
-You jam here?
-Yeah, yeah, cool.
In a bit, yeah?
[internet dial-up tone crackles]
It's mad, actually, cos
we've bought the website,
-but it comes blank, so...
-Yeah, you've got to build
it yourself.
-Sort of like Ikea.
-Yeah, yeah.
Listen, boys, don't worry, yeah?
Once I get his up and running,
you'll be bigger than two
girls and one bloody bucket.
-You seen that?
-It's disgusting.
I showed it to Aldona.
She said she was
gonna leave me.
-Serious, she's leaving you?
-No, mate.
She's here illegally.
I do all her paperwork and that.
[mobile bleeping]
Hello, Gary, mate.
Yeah. Still DJ-ing.
Website's not even up.
Bookings are rolling in.
Hold on. Wait there
one second, mate.
You know Gary and Lisa, yeah?
They're having a wedding party.
Their DJ dropped out.
It's down the social club.
Couple of hours.
Nah. We don't do weddings.
-It's £200 though.
-£200?
-Yeah.
-So that's...
Between us that'll be...
two, three.
-That'll probably be all right.
-One thing though is...
Cos it's a wedding, they don't
want any MCs just a DJ.
Obviously not then
if there's no MCs.
The DJ-MC dynamic's pretty
unique, actually.
It like some Darren Brown
sort of shit.
Grindah actually knows
what I'm gonna play
even before I've played it,
sometimes.
Bit of a sixth sense of mine,
innit?
Also I pick out our set as well,
so that helps a bit.
Yeah. We both bring something
to the table, though.
-Turntable?
-Aaah!
What about your music? Are you
going to stream that via
internets and that?
Mate, we're not an "internet
radio station". We're
very much FM-based.
-We're just luring them in.
-We're going global, but...
you will very much need to be
in Brentford to be able
to catch Kurupt FM.
We're like a global, local
pirate radio station
sort of thing.
Probably one of the first,
actually.
Radio will never be defeated
by the internet,
cos radio will never die, yeah?
In apocalypse films, yeah,
at the end of it,
they're all running around,
there's no internet working.
What are they doing?
They're checking the radio.
What are they searching for?
Messages.
What will be on in
the apocalypse? Kurupt FM.
Yeah, so the digital proxy
server, straight away
that's 15 quid.
You gonna need the Intel inside.
You gonna need the Intel
outside.
I could do it for you for around
one-seven-zero, mate. 170.
We will need Intel, so...
With a bit of Pentium
in there. Right.
Sling the VAT off and
we'll call it quits.
-Okay, 165.
-Deal.
That's nice.
There's actually, like,
a 98p shop up the road.
I think here you get a better
overall quality of product.
[director] How do you find
Angel going to school?
[Grindah] She's still
struggling a little bit.
No, I'm not. I'm not struggling.
I just think it's unfair
to force people to do stuff.
There should be an alternative.
Like, grown-ups have the dole,
so why isn't there something
they could get paid for
instead of going to school?
[Grindah] She does need her own
mates. She can't hang around
with us her whole life.
My mum's still my best friend.
Girls her age are all like
two-faced bitches anyway. I told
her to stay away from them.
[director] So what's good
about Angel being at school?
It means I've got more time
to organise the house or
whatever.
Just so many different boxes.
Could you just imagine
how tidy the house could be?
This one's got like
a glittery texture top,
so that's just a bit more
like elegant sort of style.
And these ones are like
amazing value, cos you've got
all those little ones in there.
Just get a few more
of these. They'll be
good for Grindah's lunches.
All right, boys.
How are we gonna get
that money to pay Chabuds?
Do you reckon we'll do
that wedding later, bruv?
Nah, I already said
we ain't doing it.
We're just gonna blaze
this zoot and pick up Angel.
Right, quick in-and-out job,
right?
Daddy's got to get
on one, like. Easy.
I can't stay for long.
Got the whole of
the internet to sort out.
Why's the door not... What?
Why's my leather bean bag
over there?
-I was just having a sort out--
-I don't like it like this.
Hello, baby!
Are you all right?
Are you exhausted?
You look so tired.
-What you doing to her?
-I'm checking for bruises.
Such a freak.
See you lot in a bit.
Does it hurt?
Does it hurt if I do that?
-No.
-No? Okay.
[director] Do you find it
hard caring for a family?
It's hard but it's extremely
rewarding when you see the
smile on Craig's face
when the heating's on, the
electricity's pumping
through the house,
the computer's on, like.
That's a sense of achievement.
I haven't actually paid the
bills yet, but when I do, I
will feel definitely achieved.
Craigie G.
What's going on, man?
Do you want to help me
do that washing machine?
Nah, Mum said you have
to buy a new one. I'm busy.
Is it? Uh...
Probably got homework
to do or something.
It just would have been nice
to have a little...
father to, sort of guardian,
son moment.
-Easy, boys.
-Chabsie!
Nice Gucci, my nigga. Come in.
Good as gold, sailor.
The big unveiling, yeah?
So what I've done, I've made
some changes to the plans
you gave me.
Just using my own
internet expertise.
Everybody knows that sex sells,
all right? Trust me. I've bought
it many times myself.
-What have we gotta do?
-No, you don't have to do
anything. Let me show you.
I, basically, took some snaps
of my wife, Aldona,
who's stunning, yeah?
And I've just, basically,
put her on there
and just sexed
it up a little bit.
-That's Aldona, yeah?
-That's her, yeah.
-You can see her wild bean café.
-No, I mean, technically,
it's not her vagina.
Hers wasn't the best maintained
so I found another one.
Cut and pasted it on, but we
do need to talk about
the payment first.
Yeah, don't worry about the
payment. We've got one of our
best boys on the case, innit?
Trust me, on some Ocean's
11-type espionage shit.
Down the JC right now, telling
them that his nan's flat's
flooded, like.
[Steves] You can get this thing
called a crisis loan, yeah,
if you look like you're
having a crisis, basically.
Normally, I don't bother,
cos they ask questions
and it's quite intense.
I usually do the standard
diary thing, where you tell
them what you've been doing.
And they just give you
free money, basically.
I got a free laptop as well,
cos I gave myself dyslexia
from smoking skunk, so...
-Hello.
-Hello. My name's Steven Green.
-I've had a crisis.
-[inaudible]
-[woman] So why do you
need the crisis loan?
-Eh?
Just a pipe burst.
And I was in there as well.
Cos that's why I wet myself.
Not with the trousers,
with the water.
Oh, Mr Green, we can only give
out these loans to people
who have a genuine emergency.
People who have gone
through an ordeal.
-Do you understand?
-Yeah... Yea...
Um...
Cos I've done that as well.
-Mm-hmm.
-I've got more crises.
Cos it so cold out, I can't
really think. My brain's
a little bit, like...
Yes, I understand.
[Beats] Kurupt FM does cost
a lot of money to run,
cos everyone here, bar Grindah,
has to pay subs.
Cos what it is,
is promotion for yourself.
Promotion for yourself.
You pay me a sub to be
able to promote yourself.
I've got a tab though. I'm
heavily in debt to these lot.
-But it's worth it in the end.
-But we let him sleep
on our floor.
So he saves money on rent
as well.
But it is my nan's flat,
originally.
Doesn't matter, Steves.
She's dead. Forget about her.
-She's not dead. She moved out.
-Move on.
Whatever then. She's dead to us.
They were like, "Just give me
all your money," like.
"Give me all your stuff," like.
Literally...
When I got home, the pipes
had burst as well, so...
And that is a...?
Yeah, it's...a gun.
-Right. Well...
-Can I get the money now?
I assume you'll be happy to tell
the story to the authorities?
Yeah. What authorities?
I'm talking about the police.
-Yeah?
-A-huh.
Ah! I think I heard...
I'll just chat to
the person in reception.
I'll ring them off my phone,
cos you lot don't have to...
Going global's, uh...
it's an art form, innit?
So we're just starting
the global push now.
I don't know how Roche
will take to that, actually.
The stress levels are
probably gonna rocket.
But once I get the money
then it will be fine,
once we've got the millions.
No sweat!
-Roche!
-Yeah.
There you go, I've done it.
What about them screws
on the floor?
Don't need screws.
-No More Nails.
-What, you've glued it?
Cos I was hoping we could keep
the open/close mechanism
of the door.
It was one of the things
I liked about it.
All still fully functional,
as well.
Well...
Yeah, definitely gone.
-What you looking at
on a new door, anyway?
-£90.
I think there's a screwdriver
under there, actually.
-£90, eh?
-Yeah, these things
all cost money!
The washing powder costs money.
Your favourite fucking
super-snuggly fabric softener,
that costs money as well.
Oh, I need that, Roche,
otherwise I get itchy collars.
Oh, get it sorted! I don't
care how you do it,
just fucking do it!
[Roche] What do I love about
Kevin? Do you know what?
I think it is just
his simplicity
and he's really funny.
You know, like,
from time to time...
That's a big one.
..you know, Kevin could do
so many things
if he just put his mind to it.
If he was twatting about with,
you know, Grindah,
which I doubt
is his real name!
[Beats] Clash of egos, I reckon.
He's quite powerful
and she's quite powerful.
So together...
Like on them documentaries
when the two hippos are
fighting
to be the leader of the land.
It's like that, but it's
not physical.
You not paying us
for this or...?
[director]
No, sorry.
[phone rings]
Hello, Gary, mate.
It's Beats here.
Is the wedding still on?
-Call Steves.
See if he's got the money.
-[phone rings]
-What's he saying?
-It's ringing.
[mobile ringtone]
Oh, fuck!
Steves, where are you?
Are you back yet?
No, I can't come back, bruv.
I'm hiding. I accidentally
robbed a cardigan.
-What?
-Cardigan, I robbed a cardigan.
-From the Job Centre.
-He's saying he's wearing
a cardigan.
-Feds are after me, bruv.
-And he's hiding from police.
-Why is the police...?
-I don't think he's got
the money either.
Why are the police after you?
Stay hidden!
-No, he cut.
-I knew going global
would be intense.
We're fucked.
We might have to do the wedding.
Fuck it! Call Gaz.
We're doing the wedding.
-Oh...
-No, I insist.
I've changed my mind. Do it!
But I can't, cos earlier
I had a text from Roche.
-I didn't even hear anything.
-No before Steves called.
-What's the problem?
-I've got to babysit Craig.
You've got to babysit Craig?
He doesn't even move.
Yeah, cos of his stomach
disorder, Roche wants me there.
Do you know what, yeah?
Don't worry, bruv.
Cos I'll just get Steves or
Decoy or someone else
to do it, like,
-if you can't be a man, like.
-What about the MC/DJ dynamic?
-Too late, mate.
-Boys, boys, boys, boys.
-I think there might be
another way.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Let's definitely do
the other way then.
-No. What is the other way?
-Okay. Check it out, yeah?
A special Chabuddy G
Kurupt FM radio show.
-A DJ set?
-Yeah. Think about it,
yeah? Look.
I've got the vinyls, yeah?
I've got the Terry Wogan
sex appeal.
I'm in my prime. Give me a
couple of hours of Kurupt FM
and I will completely waive
the website fee for you guys.
-Sounds like a good idea to me.
-It sounds shit.
You don't want to be associated
with weddings and that, do you?
-No.
-No, exactly.
It's not why I got in
the game and that, like,
to give away sets
to, like, some chum.
You back?
Come and have a look at...
-I'll look later.
-What's wrong with him?
He's just worried about radio,
innit?
-Do you want a cup of tea
or anything?
-Yeah.
Teabags are in that box
by the kettle.
-New boxes, yeah?
-Yeah, like...
Basically, today, I've just
been putting all different
foods into, like,
these boxes and the food colour
matches the lid colour. So it's
just a little thing I did.
-Just spruce the house up a bit.
-Nice.
-So is the milk in...?
-Yeah, that's white
for milk in there.
All right.
-But no milk for me.
-No?
-Decoy knows how I like it.
-Black. Uh...without milk.
Good evening.
[coughs]
[deep voice]
Good evening, Hounslow,
and welcome to
Midnight Music Masala
with me, your host,
DJ Vinyl Destination.
And how are you?
I'm fine. Right now, you're
listening to the sounds of...
Uh...I can't read it,
cos it's going really fast.
You know what? I'm actually
getting really excited now.
[drum and bass plays]
[knocking on door]
Duh!
Is it him?
-All right, boys?
-How you doing? All right?
-You all right?
-Yeah, good, mate. Come on then.
Decoy! What's cheesy, man?
Can you, uh, get on
them decks, yeah?
-My DJ set.
-Come on.
-Stressed out now, yeah?
-Sweet.
Well done, Decoy.
All right, mate.
Can you hurry up? Okay, just...
Get yourself set up. Come on.
All right, people.
Big it up, DJ Decoy
inside, yeah?
Smashed the set, brother.
You're locked into London's
leading Kurupt FM, 108.9
right now!
Next up, we have special guest
DJ for one night only.
-Goes by the name...
What's your DJ name?
-Cheers, mate. I'll get the mic.
There you go.
Right, just a special
announcement before I start.
[Aldona] You're now listening
to DJ Vinyl Destination
sponsored by Chabuddy
Worldwide Internet Café Cabin.
A bit much, innit?
Don't really need an intro.
It's part of the set. Right...
Gonna turn that
one up then, mate?
[bangra music plays]
There's singing
all over it, Chabs!
It's not Chabs,
it's DJ Vinyl Destination.
Whatever, DJ fucking
Destination, like.
There's singing all
over this shit. I can't
do my own MC-ing. Uh?
Yeah, it's sick.
No, it's not...
Oh, just fuck it!
Just hurry up, yeah? Hurry up.
[static hisses]
Chabsie, actually,
you cleared it, mate.
You didn't say you could do...
Yeah, right. You just...
Talent, innit, yeah? He did it.
Play whatever you want, yeah?
We're popping out.
See you later, mate.
There's some of my stuff.
Just take all you need.
Don't worry, yeah?
I've got this, yeah?
I'm about to tear these
a fuckers a new A-hole!
All right, mate.
See you later.
I will literally do anything it
takes to keep Kurupt FM going.
Yeah? And so would Beats.
Like, to me, there's two types
of people in this world.
You got the layabouts, yeah?
The people that do nothing.
And then you've got the doers.
I think it's pretty obvious
which one of them I am.
I mean, I'm on
a fucking roof, so...
He's gonna love this, innit?
Innit?
-Where's...where's Beats, like?
-He ain't here.
What do you mean, he ain't here?
He's babysitting you.
-No.
-It's all right, love.
I've got it. Go on.
Does he look like he needs
babysitting? He weighs 18 stone.
Well...where is he then?
Cos like... Beats!
-He's gone to that wedding.
-He hasn't gone to that wedding.
-He has.
-No, cos we've agreed... No.
We agreed he wasn't doing it
and he'd never go without me.
Okay, well, he has. So is that
it? Is this little grannies'
meeting over?
You're the only granny
round here!
-What did you say--
-Go!
[pop music plays]
Stevie.
You know what? Decoy's got some
proper good tunes and that, man.
-Steves, any requests?
-Stick on a bit of GABA,
bruv, probably.
-Just in that little blue bag.
-GABA, yeah?
[pop music plays]
["Dreams" by Gabrielle plays]
♪ They can come true-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ They can come true ♪
♪ Move a step closer ♪
♪ You know that I want you ♪
♪ I can tell by your eyes
that you want me too ♪
Thought I might find you here.
-Oh.
-I know exactly what's going on.
-It's only because...
-I've got to hand it
to you, mate.
-You're a crafty little fucker.
-I know.
-You saw all this coming,
didn't ya?
-Uh?
You were willing to put
yourself on the line, put
yourself through all of this,
-just to get us out of debt
with Chabuds.
-Was I? I was, yeah, exactly.
Cos I thought I'd just do this,
cos I knew you wouldn't
wanna come down here, so...
-Yeah.
-You done it for the station.
Exactly.
I shouldn't have
underestimated you, mate.
I'll tell you what,
pop a bit of garage on
and let's show them
how it's really done.
I don't know if that's
their kinda thing though.
[Beats] Grindah will always be
there for me, no matter what.
He's my best friend. We done
everything together since
we were that big.
Do you know what I mean?
So, like, if she
kicked me out I could just
go and stay at his and he'd
welcome me in with open arms.
Say, "Look, there's a sofa
there," do you know what I mean?
"Here's a zoot, chill out."
[drum and bass plays]
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Someone's got to go ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Funky's getting shot ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Someone's getting got ♪
Bang, bang, bang, bang!
Yeah!
Look at them dancing!
This is a great idea.
-What was you worried about?
-Yeah...
It's just to pay for the
equipment. It doesn't even
cover my costs. Cheers, mate.
They're saying
we can't go back in.
Lisa's nan was crying
before I even got there.
They loved it! See that
little kid? He was loving it.
-Still got paid though.
-I was gonna say about the pay.
How much we gotta give Chabuds,
cos I was hoping...
Worry not, worry not. Cos
I unplugged the transmitter.
- Still thinks he done the set.
-I might go back. Get us
back on air, innit?
Yeah, someone should do that.
Sweet! In a bit, yeah. Nice one.
-So do I get to keep the money?
-Yeah, course we can. 100 each.
So...five minutes' work.
That's the beauty of
the game for you.
-Smell it, smell it.
-Ah, smells like...
Real cash. Dirty cash,
but it's not, but...
-That's legit.
-That's legit, actually.
Squat down, get a good shot.
Now you want to dash
it up in the air.
-Don't, cos half of that's mine.
-Just...
Did you get that?
Nice, nice.
-40, 60, 80, a tonne.
-Tonne, yeah. Sweet.
Look at that. That is
proper money that, as well.
That's an honest day's work.
£100, all mine.
I'm a proper man now.
Got responsibilities.
You lot should try that
sort of shit. It's rewarding.
Bless up, yeah?
[drum and bass plays]
There's a oner for
the washing machine there.
Little bit extra. Treat
yourself. Get a little dress.
Or some army shorts or
whatever. I'm gonna shoot up.
Yeah, Craig, give it
half an hour, yeah?
Kurupt FM will never die!
-Yeah? And never will we, like.
-We're like dragons.
Well, no, cos dragons
don't exist.
What other dinosaurs are there?
T-rex.
No. If it's a T-rex, it'd be me,
cos there's only one T-rex.
I'd probably be one of them
long ones with the big necks?
Just gazing across
Jurassic Park.
-Having bare grass, like.
-Doesn't have to be
Jurassic Park.
It's green.
[Beats] When I die, yeah,
I will just be, like,
frozen in time.
With one hand on my headphones,
one hand 'pon decks,
staring into the mixer,
just enjoying music.
Like, dying for the cause, like.
When I die, actually, I'll be
in a massive "motsoleum", like,
frozen with a mic in my hand,
mouth open,
cos I was screaming my last
lyrics to my last dying breath.
-Kurupt FM.
-Viva forever.
really, really ready, ready? ♪
-♪ Who's ready?
-Who's really, really ready? ♪
♪ All the crew inside,
locked in, locked on, yeah? ♪
♪ Got the cameramans here
and we're just saying, yeah? ♪
♪ Don't forget Kurupt FM
website coming very soon! ♪
Every business these days
needs a website.
We're always expanding, getting
bigger and bigger every day.
-We're like Japan.
-Yeah, next global superpower.
They got a website
as well, ain't they?
Probably what started them off
in the first place.
Big it up, man, like Lambrini
Bob in Isleworth, yeah?
Requesting that show, like,
Hammer Dub. I see's ya.
Going global is a big
opportunity for us, actually.
Cos right now, we're
just like UK based.
Get more and more fans, like.
Obviously, we've got enough
probably, but...
the website will, like,
take us to our next level.
[rapping]
Available from all
good internet outlets.
[Miche] Come on, like.
We're gonna be late for school.
If anyone tries to mug you off,
you call Daddy, all right?
-Yes.
-Big Daddy Grindah. Sweet!
Any little mug tries it, I
don't care what age they are,
they'll get crushed.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no.
It's the diagonal strap there.
Best way for it.
See you later.
See you at five.
-It's half three.
-Half three?
You've got it well easy,
ain't ya?
Completely different to my day.
Oh!
Roche!
Rochelle! Roche!
The washing machine's fucked.
Maybe it's time you
tried fixing it then.
Perhaps you could
show Craig as well.
Be good if he had some skills
beyond eating and playing
World War Duty.
-Call of Duty.
-Call of Duty.
Right, cool.
I've gotta bounce.
-I've got a radio meeting
about a website.
-Okay.
Craig David. Laters.
See you later.
All right, I'm leaving it
with you. Get it sorted.
I'll have a look at it tonight.
I chucked some towels
down to soak the water up.
-What water?
-Catch you on the flip side,
yeah?
Kevin, what water?
[horn honks]
Mate, the internet
is gonna be big, like.
Grindah only started believing
in the internet when it had
all the pornos on his.
I thought it's gotta be good
if it's got that.
I said it to Decoy, like,
we might have to get
a bigger studio, innit?
-Yeah. Just to deal with
all the emails and that.
-Yeah, exactly.
Probably get wifi.
-You jam here?
-Yeah, yeah, cool.
In a bit, yeah?
[internet dial-up tone crackles]
It's mad, actually, cos
we've bought the website,
-but it comes blank, so...
-Yeah, you've got to build
it yourself.
-Sort of like Ikea.
-Yeah, yeah.
Listen, boys, don't worry, yeah?
Once I get his up and running,
you'll be bigger than two
girls and one bloody bucket.
-You seen that?
-It's disgusting.
I showed it to Aldona.
She said she was
gonna leave me.
-Serious, she's leaving you?
-No, mate.
She's here illegally.
I do all her paperwork and that.
[mobile bleeping]
Hello, Gary, mate.
Yeah. Still DJ-ing.
Website's not even up.
Bookings are rolling in.
Hold on. Wait there
one second, mate.
You know Gary and Lisa, yeah?
They're having a wedding party.
Their DJ dropped out.
It's down the social club.
Couple of hours.
Nah. We don't do weddings.
-It's £200 though.
-£200?
-Yeah.
-So that's...
Between us that'll be...
two, three.
-That'll probably be all right.
-One thing though is...
Cos it's a wedding, they don't
want any MCs just a DJ.
Obviously not then
if there's no MCs.
The DJ-MC dynamic's pretty
unique, actually.
It like some Darren Brown
sort of shit.
Grindah actually knows
what I'm gonna play
even before I've played it,
sometimes.
Bit of a sixth sense of mine,
innit?
Also I pick out our set as well,
so that helps a bit.
Yeah. We both bring something
to the table, though.
-Turntable?
-Aaah!
What about your music? Are you
going to stream that via
internets and that?
Mate, we're not an "internet
radio station". We're
very much FM-based.
-We're just luring them in.
-We're going global, but...
you will very much need to be
in Brentford to be able
to catch Kurupt FM.
We're like a global, local
pirate radio station
sort of thing.
Probably one of the first,
actually.
Radio will never be defeated
by the internet,
cos radio will never die, yeah?
In apocalypse films, yeah,
at the end of it,
they're all running around,
there's no internet working.
What are they doing?
They're checking the radio.
What are they searching for?
Messages.
What will be on in
the apocalypse? Kurupt FM.
Yeah, so the digital proxy
server, straight away
that's 15 quid.
You gonna need the Intel inside.
You gonna need the Intel
outside.
I could do it for you for around
one-seven-zero, mate. 170.
We will need Intel, so...
With a bit of Pentium
in there. Right.
Sling the VAT off and
we'll call it quits.
-Okay, 165.
-Deal.
That's nice.
There's actually, like,
a 98p shop up the road.
I think here you get a better
overall quality of product.
[director] How do you find
Angel going to school?
[Grindah] She's still
struggling a little bit.
No, I'm not. I'm not struggling.
I just think it's unfair
to force people to do stuff.
There should be an alternative.
Like, grown-ups have the dole,
so why isn't there something
they could get paid for
instead of going to school?
[Grindah] She does need her own
mates. She can't hang around
with us her whole life.
My mum's still my best friend.
Girls her age are all like
two-faced bitches anyway. I told
her to stay away from them.
[director] So what's good
about Angel being at school?
It means I've got more time
to organise the house or
whatever.
Just so many different boxes.
Could you just imagine
how tidy the house could be?
This one's got like
a glittery texture top,
so that's just a bit more
like elegant sort of style.
And these ones are like
amazing value, cos you've got
all those little ones in there.
Just get a few more
of these. They'll be
good for Grindah's lunches.
All right, boys.
How are we gonna get
that money to pay Chabuds?
Do you reckon we'll do
that wedding later, bruv?
Nah, I already said
we ain't doing it.
We're just gonna blaze
this zoot and pick up Angel.
Right, quick in-and-out job,
right?
Daddy's got to get
on one, like. Easy.
I can't stay for long.
Got the whole of
the internet to sort out.
Why's the door not... What?
Why's my leather bean bag
over there?
-I was just having a sort out--
-I don't like it like this.
Hello, baby!
Are you all right?
Are you exhausted?
You look so tired.
-What you doing to her?
-I'm checking for bruises.
Such a freak.
See you lot in a bit.
Does it hurt?
Does it hurt if I do that?
-No.
-No? Okay.
[director] Do you find it
hard caring for a family?
It's hard but it's extremely
rewarding when you see the
smile on Craig's face
when the heating's on, the
electricity's pumping
through the house,
the computer's on, like.
That's a sense of achievement.
I haven't actually paid the
bills yet, but when I do, I
will feel definitely achieved.
Craigie G.
What's going on, man?
Do you want to help me
do that washing machine?
Nah, Mum said you have
to buy a new one. I'm busy.
Is it? Uh...
Probably got homework
to do or something.
It just would have been nice
to have a little...
father to, sort of guardian,
son moment.
-Easy, boys.
-Chabsie!
Nice Gucci, my nigga. Come in.
Good as gold, sailor.
The big unveiling, yeah?
So what I've done, I've made
some changes to the plans
you gave me.
Just using my own
internet expertise.
Everybody knows that sex sells,
all right? Trust me. I've bought
it many times myself.
-What have we gotta do?
-No, you don't have to do
anything. Let me show you.
I, basically, took some snaps
of my wife, Aldona,
who's stunning, yeah?
And I've just, basically,
put her on there
and just sexed
it up a little bit.
-That's Aldona, yeah?
-That's her, yeah.
-You can see her wild bean café.
-No, I mean, technically,
it's not her vagina.
Hers wasn't the best maintained
so I found another one.
Cut and pasted it on, but we
do need to talk about
the payment first.
Yeah, don't worry about the
payment. We've got one of our
best boys on the case, innit?
Trust me, on some Ocean's
11-type espionage shit.
Down the JC right now, telling
them that his nan's flat's
flooded, like.
[Steves] You can get this thing
called a crisis loan, yeah,
if you look like you're
having a crisis, basically.
Normally, I don't bother,
cos they ask questions
and it's quite intense.
I usually do the standard
diary thing, where you tell
them what you've been doing.
And they just give you
free money, basically.
I got a free laptop as well,
cos I gave myself dyslexia
from smoking skunk, so...
-Hello.
-Hello. My name's Steven Green.
-I've had a crisis.
-[inaudible]
-[woman] So why do you
need the crisis loan?
-Eh?
Just a pipe burst.
And I was in there as well.
Cos that's why I wet myself.
Not with the trousers,
with the water.
Oh, Mr Green, we can only give
out these loans to people
who have a genuine emergency.
People who have gone
through an ordeal.
-Do you understand?
-Yeah... Yea...
Um...
Cos I've done that as well.
-Mm-hmm.
-I've got more crises.
Cos it so cold out, I can't
really think. My brain's
a little bit, like...
Yes, I understand.
[Beats] Kurupt FM does cost
a lot of money to run,
cos everyone here, bar Grindah,
has to pay subs.
Cos what it is,
is promotion for yourself.
Promotion for yourself.
You pay me a sub to be
able to promote yourself.
I've got a tab though. I'm
heavily in debt to these lot.
-But it's worth it in the end.
-But we let him sleep
on our floor.
So he saves money on rent
as well.
But it is my nan's flat,
originally.
Doesn't matter, Steves.
She's dead. Forget about her.
-She's not dead. She moved out.
-Move on.
Whatever then. She's dead to us.
They were like, "Just give me
all your money," like.
"Give me all your stuff," like.
Literally...
When I got home, the pipes
had burst as well, so...
And that is a...?
Yeah, it's...a gun.
-Right. Well...
-Can I get the money now?
I assume you'll be happy to tell
the story to the authorities?
Yeah. What authorities?
I'm talking about the police.
-Yeah?
-A-huh.
Ah! I think I heard...
I'll just chat to
the person in reception.
I'll ring them off my phone,
cos you lot don't have to...
Going global's, uh...
it's an art form, innit?
So we're just starting
the global push now.
I don't know how Roche
will take to that, actually.
The stress levels are
probably gonna rocket.
But once I get the money
then it will be fine,
once we've got the millions.
No sweat!
-Roche!
-Yeah.
There you go, I've done it.
What about them screws
on the floor?
Don't need screws.
-No More Nails.
-What, you've glued it?
Cos I was hoping we could keep
the open/close mechanism
of the door.
It was one of the things
I liked about it.
All still fully functional,
as well.
Well...
Yeah, definitely gone.
-What you looking at
on a new door, anyway?
-£90.
I think there's a screwdriver
under there, actually.
-£90, eh?
-Yeah, these things
all cost money!
The washing powder costs money.
Your favourite fucking
super-snuggly fabric softener,
that costs money as well.
Oh, I need that, Roche,
otherwise I get itchy collars.
Oh, get it sorted! I don't
care how you do it,
just fucking do it!
[Roche] What do I love about
Kevin? Do you know what?
I think it is just
his simplicity
and he's really funny.
You know, like,
from time to time...
That's a big one.
..you know, Kevin could do
so many things
if he just put his mind to it.
If he was twatting about with,
you know, Grindah,
which I doubt
is his real name!
[Beats] Clash of egos, I reckon.
He's quite powerful
and she's quite powerful.
So together...
Like on them documentaries
when the two hippos are
fighting
to be the leader of the land.
It's like that, but it's
not physical.
You not paying us
for this or...?
[director]
No, sorry.
[phone rings]
Hello, Gary, mate.
It's Beats here.
Is the wedding still on?
-Call Steves.
See if he's got the money.
-[phone rings]
-What's he saying?
-It's ringing.
[mobile ringtone]
Oh, fuck!
Steves, where are you?
Are you back yet?
No, I can't come back, bruv.
I'm hiding. I accidentally
robbed a cardigan.
-What?
-Cardigan, I robbed a cardigan.
-From the Job Centre.
-He's saying he's wearing
a cardigan.
-Feds are after me, bruv.
-And he's hiding from police.
-Why is the police...?
-I don't think he's got
the money either.
Why are the police after you?
Stay hidden!
-No, he cut.
-I knew going global
would be intense.
We're fucked.
We might have to do the wedding.
Fuck it! Call Gaz.
We're doing the wedding.
-Oh...
-No, I insist.
I've changed my mind. Do it!
But I can't, cos earlier
I had a text from Roche.
-I didn't even hear anything.
-No before Steves called.
-What's the problem?
-I've got to babysit Craig.
You've got to babysit Craig?
He doesn't even move.
Yeah, cos of his stomach
disorder, Roche wants me there.
Do you know what, yeah?
Don't worry, bruv.
Cos I'll just get Steves or
Decoy or someone else
to do it, like,
-if you can't be a man, like.
-What about the MC/DJ dynamic?
-Too late, mate.
-Boys, boys, boys, boys.
-I think there might be
another way.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Let's definitely do
the other way then.
-No. What is the other way?
-Okay. Check it out, yeah?
A special Chabuddy G
Kurupt FM radio show.
-A DJ set?
-Yeah. Think about it,
yeah? Look.
I've got the vinyls, yeah?
I've got the Terry Wogan
sex appeal.
I'm in my prime. Give me a
couple of hours of Kurupt FM
and I will completely waive
the website fee for you guys.
-Sounds like a good idea to me.
-It sounds shit.
You don't want to be associated
with weddings and that, do you?
-No.
-No, exactly.
It's not why I got in
the game and that, like,
to give away sets
to, like, some chum.
You back?
Come and have a look at...
-I'll look later.
-What's wrong with him?
He's just worried about radio,
innit?
-Do you want a cup of tea
or anything?
-Yeah.
Teabags are in that box
by the kettle.
-New boxes, yeah?
-Yeah, like...
Basically, today, I've just
been putting all different
foods into, like,
these boxes and the food colour
matches the lid colour. So it's
just a little thing I did.
-Just spruce the house up a bit.
-Nice.
-So is the milk in...?
-Yeah, that's white
for milk in there.
All right.
-But no milk for me.
-No?
-Decoy knows how I like it.
-Black. Uh...without milk.
Good evening.
[coughs]
[deep voice]
Good evening, Hounslow,
and welcome to
Midnight Music Masala
with me, your host,
DJ Vinyl Destination.
And how are you?
I'm fine. Right now, you're
listening to the sounds of...
Uh...I can't read it,
cos it's going really fast.
You know what? I'm actually
getting really excited now.
[drum and bass plays]
[knocking on door]
Duh!
Is it him?
-All right, boys?
-How you doing? All right?
-You all right?
-Yeah, good, mate. Come on then.
Decoy! What's cheesy, man?
Can you, uh, get on
them decks, yeah?
-My DJ set.
-Come on.
-Stressed out now, yeah?
-Sweet.
Well done, Decoy.
All right, mate.
Can you hurry up? Okay, just...
Get yourself set up. Come on.
All right, people.
Big it up, DJ Decoy
inside, yeah?
Smashed the set, brother.
You're locked into London's
leading Kurupt FM, 108.9
right now!
Next up, we have special guest
DJ for one night only.
-Goes by the name...
What's your DJ name?
-Cheers, mate. I'll get the mic.
There you go.
Right, just a special
announcement before I start.
[Aldona] You're now listening
to DJ Vinyl Destination
sponsored by Chabuddy
Worldwide Internet Café Cabin.
A bit much, innit?
Don't really need an intro.
It's part of the set. Right...
Gonna turn that
one up then, mate?
[bangra music plays]
There's singing
all over it, Chabs!
It's not Chabs,
it's DJ Vinyl Destination.
Whatever, DJ fucking
Destination, like.
There's singing all
over this shit. I can't
do my own MC-ing. Uh?
Yeah, it's sick.
No, it's not...
Oh, just fuck it!
Just hurry up, yeah? Hurry up.
[static hisses]
Chabsie, actually,
you cleared it, mate.
You didn't say you could do...
Yeah, right. You just...
Talent, innit, yeah? He did it.
Play whatever you want, yeah?
We're popping out.
See you later, mate.
There's some of my stuff.
Just take all you need.
Don't worry, yeah?
I've got this, yeah?
I'm about to tear these
a fuckers a new A-hole!
All right, mate.
See you later.
I will literally do anything it
takes to keep Kurupt FM going.
Yeah? And so would Beats.
Like, to me, there's two types
of people in this world.
You got the layabouts, yeah?
The people that do nothing.
And then you've got the doers.
I think it's pretty obvious
which one of them I am.
I mean, I'm on
a fucking roof, so...
He's gonna love this, innit?
Innit?
-Where's...where's Beats, like?
-He ain't here.
What do you mean, he ain't here?
He's babysitting you.
-No.
-It's all right, love.
I've got it. Go on.
Does he look like he needs
babysitting? He weighs 18 stone.
Well...where is he then?
Cos like... Beats!
-He's gone to that wedding.
-He hasn't gone to that wedding.
-He has.
-No, cos we've agreed... No.
We agreed he wasn't doing it
and he'd never go without me.
Okay, well, he has. So is that
it? Is this little grannies'
meeting over?
You're the only granny
round here!
-What did you say--
-Go!
[pop music plays]
Stevie.
You know what? Decoy's got some
proper good tunes and that, man.
-Steves, any requests?
-Stick on a bit of GABA,
bruv, probably.
-Just in that little blue bag.
-GABA, yeah?
[pop music plays]
["Dreams" by Gabrielle plays]
♪ They can come true-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ They can come true ♪
♪ Move a step closer ♪
♪ You know that I want you ♪
♪ I can tell by your eyes
that you want me too ♪
Thought I might find you here.
-Oh.
-I know exactly what's going on.
-It's only because...
-I've got to hand it
to you, mate.
-You're a crafty little fucker.
-I know.
-You saw all this coming,
didn't ya?
-Uh?
You were willing to put
yourself on the line, put
yourself through all of this,
-just to get us out of debt
with Chabuds.
-Was I? I was, yeah, exactly.
Cos I thought I'd just do this,
cos I knew you wouldn't
wanna come down here, so...
-Yeah.
-You done it for the station.
Exactly.
I shouldn't have
underestimated you, mate.
I'll tell you what,
pop a bit of garage on
and let's show them
how it's really done.
I don't know if that's
their kinda thing though.
[Beats] Grindah will always be
there for me, no matter what.
He's my best friend. We done
everything together since
we were that big.
Do you know what I mean?
So, like, if she
kicked me out I could just
go and stay at his and he'd
welcome me in with open arms.
Say, "Look, there's a sofa
there," do you know what I mean?
"Here's a zoot, chill out."
[drum and bass plays]
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Someone's got to go ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Funky's getting shot ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Someone's getting got ♪
Bang, bang, bang, bang!
Yeah!
Look at them dancing!
This is a great idea.
-What was you worried about?
-Yeah...
It's just to pay for the
equipment. It doesn't even
cover my costs. Cheers, mate.
They're saying
we can't go back in.
Lisa's nan was crying
before I even got there.
They loved it! See that
little kid? He was loving it.
-Still got paid though.
-I was gonna say about the pay.
How much we gotta give Chabuds,
cos I was hoping...
Worry not, worry not. Cos
I unplugged the transmitter.
- Still thinks he done the set.
-I might go back. Get us
back on air, innit?
Yeah, someone should do that.
Sweet! In a bit, yeah. Nice one.
-So do I get to keep the money?
-Yeah, course we can. 100 each.
So...five minutes' work.
That's the beauty of
the game for you.
-Smell it, smell it.
-Ah, smells like...
Real cash. Dirty cash,
but it's not, but...
-That's legit.
-That's legit, actually.
Squat down, get a good shot.
Now you want to dash
it up in the air.
-Don't, cos half of that's mine.
-Just...
Did you get that?
Nice, nice.
-40, 60, 80, a tonne.
-Tonne, yeah. Sweet.
Look at that. That is
proper money that, as well.
That's an honest day's work.
£100, all mine.
I'm a proper man now.
Got responsibilities.
You lot should try that
sort of shit. It's rewarding.
Bless up, yeah?
[drum and bass plays]
There's a oner for
the washing machine there.
Little bit extra. Treat
yourself. Get a little dress.
Or some army shorts or
whatever. I'm gonna shoot up.
Yeah, Craig, give it
half an hour, yeah?
Kurupt FM will never die!
-Yeah? And never will we, like.
-We're like dragons.
Well, no, cos dragons
don't exist.
What other dinosaurs are there?
T-rex.
No. If it's a T-rex, it'd be me,
cos there's only one T-rex.
I'd probably be one of them
long ones with the big necks?
Just gazing across
Jurassic Park.
-Having bare grass, like.
-Doesn't have to be
Jurassic Park.
It's green.
[Beats] When I die, yeah,
I will just be, like,
frozen in time.
With one hand on my headphones,
one hand 'pon decks,
staring into the mixer,
just enjoying music.
Like, dying for the cause, like.
When I die, actually, I'll be
in a massive "motsoleum", like,
frozen with a mic in my hand,
mouth open,
cos I was screaming my last
lyrics to my last dying breath.
-Kurupt FM.
-Viva forever.