People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - Angel's Birthday - full transcript
[Beats]
Whack one up there, Steves.
Yeah, that lamppost there,
Steves. Quick time, quick time.
Right, go!
Fuck it! Fuck it, that'll do.
That'll do, Steves. That'll do!
Let's go!
You lot have gotta
hold it down, yeah?
I cannot get caught
on this moped, right?
Since my driving ban,
Roche gets bare weird about it.
Oh, fuck! What's he doing up?
He tells his mum everything.
There's no man code.
Do you know what I mean? Shh!
There should be a man code.
If I want to watch pornos,
let me, don't tell your mum.
If I want to drive the moped,
let me, don't tell your mum.
Them ones.
Little snake!
Here you are, Craig,
made you your breakfast.
-Cheers.
-A man of hidden
talents, ain't he?
I'm not hiding anything,
so just making sure that...
big man gets
a decent breakfast, like.
What time did you get in
last night? I heard you
creeping about like a pervert.
-About two.
-More like four.
Yeah, maybe it was four,
actually. Thank you, Craig.
[director] So are you trying to
work out
a man code with Craig?
Yeah, but it's a bit weird, cos
it's not like a mate man code.
So I'm just trying,
trying to pally it up,
until we're proper connected.
And then I'll bring the code in.
Be good, Craig.
Catch you later.
[drum and bass plays]
-[Grindah] Weapon X?
-Here.
-Fantasy?
-Here.
-Beats?
-Here.
Decoy?
Decoy?
-I drove you here.
-Yeah, but just say "here" then.
Don't...try and overrule
everything constantly.
Right, so, obviously,
today's a very special day.
-Yeah.
-It is the day of the
live caller competition.
So I've got everyone here
today, basically,
to come up with the question
that one of our number one fans
will be able to answer.
Someone who's worthy of it.
Not just trying to get
a bit of free perfume.
-Yeah, exactly.
-So everyone needs to think.
Yeah? Let's think of a question.
Steven?
You all right?
Fucking hell,
this is bare people.
Yeah, Kurupt FM is
so popular, like.
If you go anywhere in this area,
a few places play it.
There's a café down there
that sometimes, when I pop in,
are playing Kurupt,
and I think, he's just
out there and everyone's
listening to his voice.
So, yeah, it's very, very big
in the Brentford area.
We should probably base it
around someone on the station.
Maybe one of the main ones
or something like that.
Who's one of the main ones?
Just trying to think...
-Probably you.
-Uh?
Probably me? Yeah, yeah.
That could work.
If we did a thing, "How do
crop circles get formed?"
-No, just... Come on.
-That is interesting.
-Cos I don't even know.
-I don't even know.
Yeah, we've always done
competitions, really.
It's part of the whole
sort of pirate radio culture.
-It's a standard thing.
-It's, like, our way of...
giving back something to
the fans, you know what I mean?
This time we've got a special
surprise in store for 'em.
We normally give 'em, like,
a £5 phone credit and that.
But this time, they're
getting designer perfume.
Well, that's what
they think, anyway.
-Are they not getting perfume?
-They are, but...
Got an extra little twist
this time.
-Yeah, me and Grindah
are going to surprise them.
-Don't say it when I...
Cos there's a video on YouTube
where they've crossed,
what's-it-called, Roswell,
where the thing landed,
crashed down,
and they had a dead one.
They did an autopsy on it.
Can we just focus now, yeah?
Focus on the question.
What about, what was
Grindah's old MC name?
That's... I dunno, could that...
-Do you think anyone
would know that?
-Of course they'd know it!
Everyone knows who I am.
If anything it's too easy, mate.
-I could think of a harder one.
-Don't! Just...shh!
Stop getting in his head.
You're making it all about you,
when it's actually about giving
something back to one of
the fans, all right?
Here we go.
This is the prize that
I've kindly donated.
It is, uh, Sean Paul Gaultier.
World exclusive.
Only available from Chabuddy's
Worldwide Internet Cabin Café.
They started to go a bit
stagnant, so I thought
I might as well shift them...
Ho-ho-ho! Here we go.
What every man needs,
a bloody good woman.
Aldona!
I missed you!
-[he laughs]
-Move!
She, uh...
Big day today for Aldona.
Her brother's coming over
from Poland and she's just
doing a bit of cleaning.
She doesn't clean
like this for me.
Oh, I forgive you.
Very good, very good.
[director] What's it like
on competition days?
It's tiring and you've got to
put in a lot of energy,
and also you're blazing
all day, so...
-Kevin.
-I don't want to
get that headache.
-Uh?
-I could've sworn that moped was
facing the other way yesterday.
Yeah? Really?
No one has been using it,
have they?
-No.
-Sure?
Oh, yeah. Uh...
Cos I must've moved it.
Cos the sunlight
was hitting one side,
so the colour was fading, so I
turned it round, so it's even.
I forgot about that.
You remember our little deal
though? Do you want to tell
these lot about it?
Yeah. Man's on a driving ban
right now, so I can't really
drive the moped, like.
-And?
-And we've got a deal where
I can't drive the moped.
-And?
-And if I do drive the 'ped,
then I've got to pick up all the
hard tissues under Craig's bed.
I don't even want to think
about how many there must
be under that bed right now.
Probably like papier-mâché.
Sorry, mate.
-What?
-Nothing, mate.
You just eat your ham.
-All right.
-Take it up with you.
Get your strength up, love.
[director] Do you enjoy
spending time with the family?
Yeah, I really... At first,
I liked just coming
to see Roche.
Just checking her every now and
then, do you know what I mean?
No strings attached, simple.
But then I met the little man
and it all changed.
I felt passion.
And, uh, do you, uh,
do like older women?
-Who me?
-Yeah.
[sighs] I get whatever I can,
to be honest with ya,
and it just so happened
that Roche liked man.
-So I just went through on it.
-What?
Next train to arrive
on platform one...
It should be coming now.
Are you excited?
Is that him? No, that's
some black woman. It's not him.
-Derek!
-That's him.
Oh! That's nice.
They're really affectionate,
that's the thing.
How you doing? You all right?
-You came on train, yeah?
-Train, yeah.
All right, jump in the Merc.
[drum and bass plays]
[they rap]
Right about now, we're
running a competition, yeah?
Right, callers, come through.
So the question is,
what is my old MC name?
So that is, what is
MC Grindah's old MC name?
-Phone number to get
you through will be...
-077009001 108.9!
So to get your hands on
some exclusive perfume,
you know what to do.
-Call us.
-Don't say it.
They already know it.
So, next up, we're just going
to run a little message
from one of our sponsors,
letting you know that if you
want to be winning yourself
something tonight,
then you'd better
get to know...
[Chadbuds] If you are one
of our lucky competition
winners today,
you can claim your prize,
a limited edition bottle
of Sean Paul Gaultier perfume
from Chabuddy's Worldwide
Internet Cabin Café,
but wait, that's not all!
Did you not hear that?
[laughs] Oh, just me on
bloody radio again, isn't it?
Bit of advice for you,
actually, mate. I know you're
fresh off the boat and that.
Ladies love
a disco jockey, mate.
-DJ?
-Yeah, DJ.
No, I like man in kitchen.
-I like when I hear you cook.
-Yeah?
Okay. Think I know
what you want.
Aldona, I'm chopping stuff.
-You like that, yeah?
-Mm, nice!
Did you hear that? I'm chopping.
I was chopping stuff just then.
-Yes.
-You heard it.
-It's very sexy.
-Yeah?
-You chop more.
-More?
Eh, greedy!
[Aldona giggles]
[they speak Polish]
I'm marinating.
You can't hear it,
but I'm marinating.
They're his moped keys. Craig!
Have you seen Kevin
on his moped?
-Yeah. Why?
-When?
-Last night.
-Right then.
What use is he to us in prison?
What use is he to us?
That's more the question.
[drum and bass plays]
-DJ Beats, my selecta,
on points.
-Don't know, don't know.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're
listening, this is one of the
famous Kurupt FM giveaways.
-Make sure you dial the number.
-Exactly. Do not miss out.
-It's a competition, yeah.
-Exactly.
And the question is...
What is my old MC name?
[mobile rings]
Oh, shh! Everyone quiet.
Be quiet.
Caller, you're live. What's your
name and where do you come from?
-Oh, yeah. Ben from Isleworth.
-Hold tight, Ben!
Big up to Isleworth.
Man dem, I see's ya!
-What's the question?
-What? Are you...?
What is my MC name?
-Which one are you, bro?
-Oh, for f...! Cut him off.
That was pointless, weren't it?
-Big up all
the pointless ringers!
-Let me alliterate, yeah.
If you call up, make sure
you've got the right answer.
-Caller, you're blocked.
-Yeah, you're blocked, mate.
No shout-outs, no reloads!
You made your bed,
now sit in it, you loser.
We always have a VIP party when
there's something special
going on the radio.
Having mocktails,
ain't we, Ange? Okay?
I tried to put, like,
a bit of salt round the edge,
so it'd be like a proper
cocktail, but it all fell in.
Here's to a big night, eh? Yeah.
Down it in one.
No, you don't have to.
-Ugh!
-A bit more sugar?
Yeah, all right.
[they speak Polish]
Oh, this is so much fun, guys.
Uh, what shall we do tonight?
I tell you what...
I'll get the CDs out,
have a little disco party,
DJ party. What d'you reckon?
He's bang on it.
-Baby...
-Yes, sweetie.
Get me more beer.
Okay, okay. We can do that.
Drinking games.
I like that. Go hard or
go home back to bloody Poland.
-Okay, you go now?
-Now? Okay, I'll do
whatever you tell me to.
-You know I like
to be bossed around.
-Okay, go now or I hit you.
Okay, okay. I like that.
Drink me mean, keep me keen.
Keep me erect, more like.
It's all right.
He doesn't understand.
Me and Aldona like to
role play, you know.
She'll call me, like,
these funny racist names,
like "you dirty
curry-eating bastard"
and "get back into the lorry
that you climbed out of".
I bloody love it, to be fair.
She'll say things like
that my penis is like a really
red colour and that it's tiny.
[laughs] Sexy, you know.
Maybe we should
change the question.
No, you don't change the
question until someone
gets it right.
Then there's no point in
changing it, anyway, so, no.
Actually, just one last...
Can I use your phone?
Let me give it a bell,
see if it works.
It might be the signal because
of the cameras and that.
-[mobile bleeps]
-Hello.
Oh, for f... No.
Pointless then, innit?
Whatever, leave it.
[loud dance music plays]
Aldona.
Sweetie face.
Sugar tits.
[Aldona giggles]
It's all steamed up.
They must have found
my Wii dance mat.
Got plenty of Polish beers.
It's absolutely pointless.
[mobile rings]
Hello and welcome to
the Kurupt FM hotline.
-What's your name and that?
-It's Joe from Brentford.
Yes, Joseph. Um...
What's the answer?
Um, did he used
to be called MC Sniper?
[cheering]
-Solid sound! Ay-ay-ay!
-Solid sound!
Oh, mate! They're going
absolutely wild.
-Inside!
-It's like a rampage.
-Inside's going mental!
-It's like a rampage
at carnival!
-How you feeling, Joe, mate?
-Good, yeah. Cheers, guys.
Sounds over the moon,
don't he?
Can I get the perfume posted,
cos I'm working?
Sorry, mate. You can't get
it posted. You have to go
down Chabuddy's internet caff.
We'll give you the address.
You're gonna have
such a great time.
All right, no worries.
Cheers, guys.
Any final words, mate?
-Oh, he's been cut off.
-He's probably overexcited.
Probably smiling too much,
the cheek pressed the button.
[radio] Big up, Joe!
That was so nerve-racking, like.
Such an amazing day
for Joe, though.
Little lightweight. She can't
party like her mum can.
-Shall we get a couple
of beers in?
-Yeah, let's get the beers in.
Up with you, mate.
You boys up for a few beers?
Let's go, mate. Come on.
-Oh, mate! Jesus! That is...
-And we're gonna surprise him.
Boys, I've been sick, mate.
I've been sick bruv.
We'll get him to clean up
himself in the morning.
-Oh, that's a fucking success.
-That is a fucking
success, mate!
"Grindah".
Graffiti.
I might even do a little...
headphone sign there as well.
It looks like a penis, mate.
We turned it into a "K",
so...Kurupt, Kurupt.
-It's like our logo.
-Kuruption.
I'll probably just wait in
the Merc. It's warmer in here.
They're obviously having some
kind of dance-off tournament
or something, you know.
Lucky I'm not involved.
I'd probably win every round.
Probably, probably call it
a night, yeah, lads. Yeah?
-Quite a lot this time, yeah?
-Yeah.
You know how I like it,
don't you? Loads.
I don't have it all sticking
up and that. I'm not in
a boy band.
Make sure your head's straight.
-Make sure it's all forward...
-Yeah, I know how to do it.
I invented this one for you.
One of the things I like
most about the job, actually,
is the public appearances,
innit?
Yeah. It must be, like,
so exciting, meeting your
real-life heroes in real life.
It's there.
In our industry, yeah,
we have to give back to the
fans, do you know what I mean?
It's, like, one
little moment in my life,
will change a fan's life
forever, probably, so...
No, I don't really get jealous,
cos I understand what it takes
to be in this sort of industry.
Like, I read a lot
of celeb magazines.
I'm gonna have to
get used to, like, girls
chasing after Grindah.
But you just have that
trust between you.
And, anyway, if anything was
going on I'd know about it,
cos I look through
his emails and texts.
That's perfect, that is.
Looks good, don't it?
-It looks really nice.
-What hat shall I wear with it?
-You don't need a hat, like.
-I'm an MC. I need a hat, okay?
-Right.
-Get me a hat.
There you go.
-Spot on.
-Yeah.
Now get the jeans.
Quite nervous, actually.
About to meet a fan, so, uh...
Never done that before.
-You going out?
-Real exciting.
-Uh?
-Where you going?
-Just got this radio thing.
-All right.
I was wondering, what's better
out of Nuts and Zoo magazine?
Nuts. More posters. Why?
I was thinking I'd get Craig
a bit of afternoon reading.
Are they my moped keys, yeah?
Yeah, they are.
Look, Roche, I'm really sorry,
but I had to ride it
the other night.
-It didn't mean anything though.
-Well, it does mean something.
It means you've broken the deal.
-[director] Is Roche the boss?
-Nah, not of me.
I'm my own boss.
I control my own chakra.
Look like you've been in a bit
of trouble recently though.
Yeah, I've been in a bit
of trouble recently,
but still doesn't make me
not the boss of my life.
Nah, she's in charge though,
to be fair. Realistically,
yeah, she's in charge.
-Cos you know she'll
be seeing this?
-Exactly, that's why I said it.
Well, I'm really sorry. I'll
do it when I get back, yeah?
All right, sweet.
You might want to pick up
some gloves on your way back,
stop the fresh ones from
sticking to your hands.
-Disappointed in you, son.
-Why?
-Safe, brother!
-Nice one!
Easy, boys!
You ready at the fan
signing, yeah?
Good, boys! He loves it.
So this is our, um,
our little fan day.
-Think they're gonna love it.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Chabsie!
-Chabsie!
Let me do it first.
I think he's in the van.
-Is that him?
-Oh, he's asleep. Shh!
[laughter]
-Pranked him!
-Classic prank.
[whispers]
One, two...
-Chabsie!
-[laughter]
Where the fuck have you been?
You look fucked, mate.
I had a bit of a mental one
last night in the Portacabin.
I must have drank about
eight or nine beers.
I fell asleep in the van.
Is that Aldona's brother, yeah?
They're a bit close, ain't they?
Don't judge, mate, all right?
If you've ever been to Poland...
Then you don't understand it.
I might just go and help
him pack, actually.
-He's got to catch a train.
-All right there, mate.
Is it all right
to use your van?
-The van? Oh, for work? Yeah.
-Nice one.
Now we can burst out like
a music video. Like,
get out the way!
♪ Get out the way
Someone's getting shot... ♪
[director] So if you hadn't
been in music, where
would you be now?
Probably in the slammer, like,
with the street-life technology.
When you're in that
life-street mentality, yeah,
when you're raised in this,
yeah, you've got either music
or jail, like, do you
know what I mean?
I'd probably work
in Megabowl, Feltham,
cos my cousin's got a job there,
so he'd probably hook
me up with that.
Right, so basically, yeah,
you're gonna be standing there.
And then all you do is simple.
You just say, "I ain't got
the perfume,
but maybe Grindah could help
you out with that." Yeah?
And I'm just like, bang!
Boot the door open, like.
You know what I mean? Yeah?
It's gonna be mental.
I'm gonna love this.
And they will as well.
You lot filmed
fan stuff before?
It's pretty...
It can get a bit...on top.
It's started raining
out here now.
-Are you talking to me?
-Yeah.
Well, I'm in the van.
Obviously, it ain't always
about the glamorous lifestyle,
but we'll probably eventually
have our own merchandise, raves,
aftershave line.
-I am Kurupt.
-That's the name of it.
We actually spoke to someone
at Debenham's about it
and they seemed...
They said they was gonna
get in contact, so...
She wasn't really sure,
the girl on the perfume bit.
We need to speak
to people higher up.
I should have just gone
round the back of the van.
Just walked out. This is
a bit of a piss-take now.
-Any sign of him or what?
-Nothing yet, mate.
Dead out.
Hold on!
-I can see him now.
-Don't forget the signal.
No, I won't.
-You all right, mate.
-Hello.
You all right? Uh, we were
gonna give you perfume,
but we ran out.
-What?
-Yeah, we ran out.
But maybe...
just maybe...
-Uh?
-You've locked the door!
Beats!
It's a fucking joke!
That's not it, for fuck's
sake! You've ruined it.
You've fucked up the whole
thing. That's not how
it's meant to go.
-You've completely ruined it.
-Shall we go again?
We can't go again.
He's seen me now. Look at him.
He won't be surprised.
It's a waste of time.
The whole vibe's been ruined.
Let's do a photo,
let's do a picture.
-Steves.
-I got a camera.
I've got to shoot off in a
second. I'm on my lunch break.
Yeah, I'm in a rush as well.
That's it.
Actually, have you got one
without all the writing on it?
That's signed by us.
That's the whole point.
Well, it's actually a present.
Go in there afterwards.
He'll sort you out one.
This is a joke, right?
What's the point without
us signing anything, like?
What about the shirt,
like a footballer?
Fuck it, yeah.
Let's just use my shirt.
Yeah, sign the shirt, yeah?
He said we can sign his shirt.
Just an average fan signing.
It's what happens. Part and
parcel of the business, really.
-Yeah, pass and parcel.
-Come on, let's go, let's go.
-Aah!
-Uh!
-Smiling, yeah?
-Yeah!
Nice one, mate. See you later.
Pop yourself off, yeah?
He loved it.
Did you not get that, yeah?
Signed the shirt and everything.
It does happen quite a lot.
-See you later, mate!
-I got one, so...
-Cheers. See you.
-See later, mate.
-That was really draining.
-No, it is, it is.
You have to get used to it.
I just love the way that she,
kind of, treats me like shit.
That's real, you know.
I'd rather be with
someone like that,
than be with some bloody
bimbo bitch.
Cos most of the girls
are like that with me.
They see the money,
they see the moustache,
they see the Gucci, the Prada,
Versace and that, yeah.
"He's obviously got money,"
isn't it, yeah?
But I don't want that. I don't
get that. I want a real bitch.
A real thug who's a real bitch.
And she's a real bitch.
She's my bitch.
Uuh!
Absolutely bloody mental!
Oh, my God.
How did it go?
Yeah, good, actually.
I ended up signing his shirt.
So just standard for me really.
-What, his actual shirt?
-Yeah. Got you
something as well.
-What did you get me?
-Nothing, just a little...
Sean Paul Gaultier perfume.
What?
For free, as well.
Don't even worry about
giving me any money.
Amazing!
Actual Sean Paul Gaultier?
-Yeah.
-Oh, thank you so much.
Cool. Just...
Ah!
It's lovely. Love you.
-That...
-Come on, give me a kiss.
-Love you.
-You too.
And Beats signed it too.
That's nice.
[Beats] It smells like crap!
Allow putting this
on the telly. Stop!
Whack one up there, Steves.
Yeah, that lamppost there,
Steves. Quick time, quick time.
Right, go!
Fuck it! Fuck it, that'll do.
That'll do, Steves. That'll do!
Let's go!
You lot have gotta
hold it down, yeah?
I cannot get caught
on this moped, right?
Since my driving ban,
Roche gets bare weird about it.
Oh, fuck! What's he doing up?
He tells his mum everything.
There's no man code.
Do you know what I mean? Shh!
There should be a man code.
If I want to watch pornos,
let me, don't tell your mum.
If I want to drive the moped,
let me, don't tell your mum.
Them ones.
Little snake!
Here you are, Craig,
made you your breakfast.
-Cheers.
-A man of hidden
talents, ain't he?
I'm not hiding anything,
so just making sure that...
big man gets
a decent breakfast, like.
What time did you get in
last night? I heard you
creeping about like a pervert.
-About two.
-More like four.
Yeah, maybe it was four,
actually. Thank you, Craig.
[director] So are you trying to
work out
a man code with Craig?
Yeah, but it's a bit weird, cos
it's not like a mate man code.
So I'm just trying,
trying to pally it up,
until we're proper connected.
And then I'll bring the code in.
Be good, Craig.
Catch you later.
[drum and bass plays]
-[Grindah] Weapon X?
-Here.
-Fantasy?
-Here.
-Beats?
-Here.
Decoy?
Decoy?
-I drove you here.
-Yeah, but just say "here" then.
Don't...try and overrule
everything constantly.
Right, so, obviously,
today's a very special day.
-Yeah.
-It is the day of the
live caller competition.
So I've got everyone here
today, basically,
to come up with the question
that one of our number one fans
will be able to answer.
Someone who's worthy of it.
Not just trying to get
a bit of free perfume.
-Yeah, exactly.
-So everyone needs to think.
Yeah? Let's think of a question.
Steven?
You all right?
Fucking hell,
this is bare people.
Yeah, Kurupt FM is
so popular, like.
If you go anywhere in this area,
a few places play it.
There's a café down there
that sometimes, when I pop in,
are playing Kurupt,
and I think, he's just
out there and everyone's
listening to his voice.
So, yeah, it's very, very big
in the Brentford area.
We should probably base it
around someone on the station.
Maybe one of the main ones
or something like that.
Who's one of the main ones?
Just trying to think...
-Probably you.
-Uh?
Probably me? Yeah, yeah.
That could work.
If we did a thing, "How do
crop circles get formed?"
-No, just... Come on.
-That is interesting.
-Cos I don't even know.
-I don't even know.
Yeah, we've always done
competitions, really.
It's part of the whole
sort of pirate radio culture.
-It's a standard thing.
-It's, like, our way of...
giving back something to
the fans, you know what I mean?
This time we've got a special
surprise in store for 'em.
We normally give 'em, like,
a £5 phone credit and that.
But this time, they're
getting designer perfume.
Well, that's what
they think, anyway.
-Are they not getting perfume?
-They are, but...
Got an extra little twist
this time.
-Yeah, me and Grindah
are going to surprise them.
-Don't say it when I...
Cos there's a video on YouTube
where they've crossed,
what's-it-called, Roswell,
where the thing landed,
crashed down,
and they had a dead one.
They did an autopsy on it.
Can we just focus now, yeah?
Focus on the question.
What about, what was
Grindah's old MC name?
That's... I dunno, could that...
-Do you think anyone
would know that?
-Of course they'd know it!
Everyone knows who I am.
If anything it's too easy, mate.
-I could think of a harder one.
-Don't! Just...shh!
Stop getting in his head.
You're making it all about you,
when it's actually about giving
something back to one of
the fans, all right?
Here we go.
This is the prize that
I've kindly donated.
It is, uh, Sean Paul Gaultier.
World exclusive.
Only available from Chabuddy's
Worldwide Internet Cabin Café.
They started to go a bit
stagnant, so I thought
I might as well shift them...
Ho-ho-ho! Here we go.
What every man needs,
a bloody good woman.
Aldona!
I missed you!
-[he laughs]
-Move!
She, uh...
Big day today for Aldona.
Her brother's coming over
from Poland and she's just
doing a bit of cleaning.
She doesn't clean
like this for me.
Oh, I forgive you.
Very good, very good.
[director] What's it like
on competition days?
It's tiring and you've got to
put in a lot of energy,
and also you're blazing
all day, so...
-Kevin.
-I don't want to
get that headache.
-Uh?
-I could've sworn that moped was
facing the other way yesterday.
Yeah? Really?
No one has been using it,
have they?
-No.
-Sure?
Oh, yeah. Uh...
Cos I must've moved it.
Cos the sunlight
was hitting one side,
so the colour was fading, so I
turned it round, so it's even.
I forgot about that.
You remember our little deal
though? Do you want to tell
these lot about it?
Yeah. Man's on a driving ban
right now, so I can't really
drive the moped, like.
-And?
-And we've got a deal where
I can't drive the moped.
-And?
-And if I do drive the 'ped,
then I've got to pick up all the
hard tissues under Craig's bed.
I don't even want to think
about how many there must
be under that bed right now.
Probably like papier-mâché.
Sorry, mate.
-What?
-Nothing, mate.
You just eat your ham.
-All right.
-Take it up with you.
Get your strength up, love.
[director] Do you enjoy
spending time with the family?
Yeah, I really... At first,
I liked just coming
to see Roche.
Just checking her every now and
then, do you know what I mean?
No strings attached, simple.
But then I met the little man
and it all changed.
I felt passion.
And, uh, do you, uh,
do like older women?
-Who me?
-Yeah.
[sighs] I get whatever I can,
to be honest with ya,
and it just so happened
that Roche liked man.
-So I just went through on it.
-What?
Next train to arrive
on platform one...
It should be coming now.
Are you excited?
Is that him? No, that's
some black woman. It's not him.
-Derek!
-That's him.
Oh! That's nice.
They're really affectionate,
that's the thing.
How you doing? You all right?
-You came on train, yeah?
-Train, yeah.
All right, jump in the Merc.
[drum and bass plays]
[they rap]
Right about now, we're
running a competition, yeah?
Right, callers, come through.
So the question is,
what is my old MC name?
So that is, what is
MC Grindah's old MC name?
-Phone number to get
you through will be...
-077009001 108.9!
So to get your hands on
some exclusive perfume,
you know what to do.
-Call us.
-Don't say it.
They already know it.
So, next up, we're just going
to run a little message
from one of our sponsors,
letting you know that if you
want to be winning yourself
something tonight,
then you'd better
get to know...
[Chadbuds] If you are one
of our lucky competition
winners today,
you can claim your prize,
a limited edition bottle
of Sean Paul Gaultier perfume
from Chabuddy's Worldwide
Internet Cabin Café,
but wait, that's not all!
Did you not hear that?
[laughs] Oh, just me on
bloody radio again, isn't it?
Bit of advice for you,
actually, mate. I know you're
fresh off the boat and that.
Ladies love
a disco jockey, mate.
-DJ?
-Yeah, DJ.
No, I like man in kitchen.
-I like when I hear you cook.
-Yeah?
Okay. Think I know
what you want.
Aldona, I'm chopping stuff.
-You like that, yeah?
-Mm, nice!
Did you hear that? I'm chopping.
I was chopping stuff just then.
-Yes.
-You heard it.
-It's very sexy.
-Yeah?
-You chop more.
-More?
Eh, greedy!
[Aldona giggles]
[they speak Polish]
I'm marinating.
You can't hear it,
but I'm marinating.
They're his moped keys. Craig!
Have you seen Kevin
on his moped?
-Yeah. Why?
-When?
-Last night.
-Right then.
What use is he to us in prison?
What use is he to us?
That's more the question.
[drum and bass plays]
-DJ Beats, my selecta,
on points.
-Don't know, don't know.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're
listening, this is one of the
famous Kurupt FM giveaways.
-Make sure you dial the number.
-Exactly. Do not miss out.
-It's a competition, yeah.
-Exactly.
And the question is...
What is my old MC name?
[mobile rings]
Oh, shh! Everyone quiet.
Be quiet.
Caller, you're live. What's your
name and where do you come from?
-Oh, yeah. Ben from Isleworth.
-Hold tight, Ben!
Big up to Isleworth.
Man dem, I see's ya!
-What's the question?
-What? Are you...?
What is my MC name?
-Which one are you, bro?
-Oh, for f...! Cut him off.
That was pointless, weren't it?
-Big up all
the pointless ringers!
-Let me alliterate, yeah.
If you call up, make sure
you've got the right answer.
-Caller, you're blocked.
-Yeah, you're blocked, mate.
No shout-outs, no reloads!
You made your bed,
now sit in it, you loser.
We always have a VIP party when
there's something special
going on the radio.
Having mocktails,
ain't we, Ange? Okay?
I tried to put, like,
a bit of salt round the edge,
so it'd be like a proper
cocktail, but it all fell in.
Here's to a big night, eh? Yeah.
Down it in one.
No, you don't have to.
-Ugh!
-A bit more sugar?
Yeah, all right.
[they speak Polish]
Oh, this is so much fun, guys.
Uh, what shall we do tonight?
I tell you what...
I'll get the CDs out,
have a little disco party,
DJ party. What d'you reckon?
He's bang on it.
-Baby...
-Yes, sweetie.
Get me more beer.
Okay, okay. We can do that.
Drinking games.
I like that. Go hard or
go home back to bloody Poland.
-Okay, you go now?
-Now? Okay, I'll do
whatever you tell me to.
-You know I like
to be bossed around.
-Okay, go now or I hit you.
Okay, okay. I like that.
Drink me mean, keep me keen.
Keep me erect, more like.
It's all right.
He doesn't understand.
Me and Aldona like to
role play, you know.
She'll call me, like,
these funny racist names,
like "you dirty
curry-eating bastard"
and "get back into the lorry
that you climbed out of".
I bloody love it, to be fair.
She'll say things like
that my penis is like a really
red colour and that it's tiny.
[laughs] Sexy, you know.
Maybe we should
change the question.
No, you don't change the
question until someone
gets it right.
Then there's no point in
changing it, anyway, so, no.
Actually, just one last...
Can I use your phone?
Let me give it a bell,
see if it works.
It might be the signal because
of the cameras and that.
-[mobile bleeps]
-Hello.
Oh, for f... No.
Pointless then, innit?
Whatever, leave it.
[loud dance music plays]
Aldona.
Sweetie face.
Sugar tits.
[Aldona giggles]
It's all steamed up.
They must have found
my Wii dance mat.
Got plenty of Polish beers.
It's absolutely pointless.
[mobile rings]
Hello and welcome to
the Kurupt FM hotline.
-What's your name and that?
-It's Joe from Brentford.
Yes, Joseph. Um...
What's the answer?
Um, did he used
to be called MC Sniper?
[cheering]
-Solid sound! Ay-ay-ay!
-Solid sound!
Oh, mate! They're going
absolutely wild.
-Inside!
-It's like a rampage.
-Inside's going mental!
-It's like a rampage
at carnival!
-How you feeling, Joe, mate?
-Good, yeah. Cheers, guys.
Sounds over the moon,
don't he?
Can I get the perfume posted,
cos I'm working?
Sorry, mate. You can't get
it posted. You have to go
down Chabuddy's internet caff.
We'll give you the address.
You're gonna have
such a great time.
All right, no worries.
Cheers, guys.
Any final words, mate?
-Oh, he's been cut off.
-He's probably overexcited.
Probably smiling too much,
the cheek pressed the button.
[radio] Big up, Joe!
That was so nerve-racking, like.
Such an amazing day
for Joe, though.
Little lightweight. She can't
party like her mum can.
-Shall we get a couple
of beers in?
-Yeah, let's get the beers in.
Up with you, mate.
You boys up for a few beers?
Let's go, mate. Come on.
-Oh, mate! Jesus! That is...
-And we're gonna surprise him.
Boys, I've been sick, mate.
I've been sick bruv.
We'll get him to clean up
himself in the morning.
-Oh, that's a fucking success.
-That is a fucking
success, mate!
"Grindah".
Graffiti.
I might even do a little...
headphone sign there as well.
It looks like a penis, mate.
We turned it into a "K",
so...Kurupt, Kurupt.
-It's like our logo.
-Kuruption.
I'll probably just wait in
the Merc. It's warmer in here.
They're obviously having some
kind of dance-off tournament
or something, you know.
Lucky I'm not involved.
I'd probably win every round.
Probably, probably call it
a night, yeah, lads. Yeah?
-Quite a lot this time, yeah?
-Yeah.
You know how I like it,
don't you? Loads.
I don't have it all sticking
up and that. I'm not in
a boy band.
Make sure your head's straight.
-Make sure it's all forward...
-Yeah, I know how to do it.
I invented this one for you.
One of the things I like
most about the job, actually,
is the public appearances,
innit?
Yeah. It must be, like,
so exciting, meeting your
real-life heroes in real life.
It's there.
In our industry, yeah,
we have to give back to the
fans, do you know what I mean?
It's, like, one
little moment in my life,
will change a fan's life
forever, probably, so...
No, I don't really get jealous,
cos I understand what it takes
to be in this sort of industry.
Like, I read a lot
of celeb magazines.
I'm gonna have to
get used to, like, girls
chasing after Grindah.
But you just have that
trust between you.
And, anyway, if anything was
going on I'd know about it,
cos I look through
his emails and texts.
That's perfect, that is.
Looks good, don't it?
-It looks really nice.
-What hat shall I wear with it?
-You don't need a hat, like.
-I'm an MC. I need a hat, okay?
-Right.
-Get me a hat.
There you go.
-Spot on.
-Yeah.
Now get the jeans.
Quite nervous, actually.
About to meet a fan, so, uh...
Never done that before.
-You going out?
-Real exciting.
-Uh?
-Where you going?
-Just got this radio thing.
-All right.
I was wondering, what's better
out of Nuts and Zoo magazine?
Nuts. More posters. Why?
I was thinking I'd get Craig
a bit of afternoon reading.
Are they my moped keys, yeah?
Yeah, they are.
Look, Roche, I'm really sorry,
but I had to ride it
the other night.
-It didn't mean anything though.
-Well, it does mean something.
It means you've broken the deal.
-[director] Is Roche the boss?
-Nah, not of me.
I'm my own boss.
I control my own chakra.
Look like you've been in a bit
of trouble recently though.
Yeah, I've been in a bit
of trouble recently,
but still doesn't make me
not the boss of my life.
Nah, she's in charge though,
to be fair. Realistically,
yeah, she's in charge.
-Cos you know she'll
be seeing this?
-Exactly, that's why I said it.
Well, I'm really sorry. I'll
do it when I get back, yeah?
All right, sweet.
You might want to pick up
some gloves on your way back,
stop the fresh ones from
sticking to your hands.
-Disappointed in you, son.
-Why?
-Safe, brother!
-Nice one!
Easy, boys!
You ready at the fan
signing, yeah?
Good, boys! He loves it.
So this is our, um,
our little fan day.
-Think they're gonna love it.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Chabsie!
-Chabsie!
Let me do it first.
I think he's in the van.
-Is that him?
-Oh, he's asleep. Shh!
[laughter]
-Pranked him!
-Classic prank.
[whispers]
One, two...
-Chabsie!
-[laughter]
Where the fuck have you been?
You look fucked, mate.
I had a bit of a mental one
last night in the Portacabin.
I must have drank about
eight or nine beers.
I fell asleep in the van.
Is that Aldona's brother, yeah?
They're a bit close, ain't they?
Don't judge, mate, all right?
If you've ever been to Poland...
Then you don't understand it.
I might just go and help
him pack, actually.
-He's got to catch a train.
-All right there, mate.
Is it all right
to use your van?
-The van? Oh, for work? Yeah.
-Nice one.
Now we can burst out like
a music video. Like,
get out the way!
♪ Get out the way
Someone's getting shot... ♪
[director] So if you hadn't
been in music, where
would you be now?
Probably in the slammer, like,
with the street-life technology.
When you're in that
life-street mentality, yeah,
when you're raised in this,
yeah, you've got either music
or jail, like, do you
know what I mean?
I'd probably work
in Megabowl, Feltham,
cos my cousin's got a job there,
so he'd probably hook
me up with that.
Right, so basically, yeah,
you're gonna be standing there.
And then all you do is simple.
You just say, "I ain't got
the perfume,
but maybe Grindah could help
you out with that." Yeah?
And I'm just like, bang!
Boot the door open, like.
You know what I mean? Yeah?
It's gonna be mental.
I'm gonna love this.
And they will as well.
You lot filmed
fan stuff before?
It's pretty...
It can get a bit...on top.
It's started raining
out here now.
-Are you talking to me?
-Yeah.
Well, I'm in the van.
Obviously, it ain't always
about the glamorous lifestyle,
but we'll probably eventually
have our own merchandise, raves,
aftershave line.
-I am Kurupt.
-That's the name of it.
We actually spoke to someone
at Debenham's about it
and they seemed...
They said they was gonna
get in contact, so...
She wasn't really sure,
the girl on the perfume bit.
We need to speak
to people higher up.
I should have just gone
round the back of the van.
Just walked out. This is
a bit of a piss-take now.
-Any sign of him or what?
-Nothing yet, mate.
Dead out.
Hold on!
-I can see him now.
-Don't forget the signal.
No, I won't.
-You all right, mate.
-Hello.
You all right? Uh, we were
gonna give you perfume,
but we ran out.
-What?
-Yeah, we ran out.
But maybe...
just maybe...
-Uh?
-You've locked the door!
Beats!
It's a fucking joke!
That's not it, for fuck's
sake! You've ruined it.
You've fucked up the whole
thing. That's not how
it's meant to go.
-You've completely ruined it.
-Shall we go again?
We can't go again.
He's seen me now. Look at him.
He won't be surprised.
It's a waste of time.
The whole vibe's been ruined.
Let's do a photo,
let's do a picture.
-Steves.
-I got a camera.
I've got to shoot off in a
second. I'm on my lunch break.
Yeah, I'm in a rush as well.
That's it.
Actually, have you got one
without all the writing on it?
That's signed by us.
That's the whole point.
Well, it's actually a present.
Go in there afterwards.
He'll sort you out one.
This is a joke, right?
What's the point without
us signing anything, like?
What about the shirt,
like a footballer?
Fuck it, yeah.
Let's just use my shirt.
Yeah, sign the shirt, yeah?
He said we can sign his shirt.
Just an average fan signing.
It's what happens. Part and
parcel of the business, really.
-Yeah, pass and parcel.
-Come on, let's go, let's go.
-Aah!
-Uh!
-Smiling, yeah?
-Yeah!
Nice one, mate. See you later.
Pop yourself off, yeah?
He loved it.
Did you not get that, yeah?
Signed the shirt and everything.
It does happen quite a lot.
-See you later, mate!
-I got one, so...
-Cheers. See you.
-See later, mate.
-That was really draining.
-No, it is, it is.
You have to get used to it.
I just love the way that she,
kind of, treats me like shit.
That's real, you know.
I'd rather be with
someone like that,
than be with some bloody
bimbo bitch.
Cos most of the girls
are like that with me.
They see the money,
they see the moustache,
they see the Gucci, the Prada,
Versace and that, yeah.
"He's obviously got money,"
isn't it, yeah?
But I don't want that. I don't
get that. I want a real bitch.
A real thug who's a real bitch.
And she's a real bitch.
She's my bitch.
Uuh!
Absolutely bloody mental!
Oh, my God.
How did it go?
Yeah, good, actually.
I ended up signing his shirt.
So just standard for me really.
-What, his actual shirt?
-Yeah. Got you
something as well.
-What did you get me?
-Nothing, just a little...
Sean Paul Gaultier perfume.
What?
For free, as well.
Don't even worry about
giving me any money.
Amazing!
Actual Sean Paul Gaultier?
-Yeah.
-Oh, thank you so much.
Cool. Just...
Ah!
It's lovely. Love you.
-That...
-Come on, give me a kiss.
-Love you.
-You too.
And Beats signed it too.
That's nice.
[Beats] It smells like crap!
Allow putting this
on the telly. Stop!