People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - Competition - full transcript
[rapping]
[alarm beeps]
Hold on. Alarm.
There you go. It's midnight.
It's poppin' off.
Right now is a lyrical tribute,
yeah, to my Angel.
And it is because
she is turning...
a whole year older.
♪ Turn it up, turn it up! ♪
-♪ Who's ready? Who's ready ♪
-I'm ready.
♪ She's the one,
she's my number one star ♪
♪ First I had sex with her mum
in the car ♪
♪ She came out her stomach
like rah! ♪
♪ I never seen that before
The first sight that I saw ♪
♪ I knew that what? She'd
take over garage by storm ♪
♪ She'd take over
garage by storm, cor!
It's her destiny-ny! ♪
♪ It's her destiny-ny to be
the first female garage MC ♪
Well, not the first, but...
♪ The first to do it properly ♪
♪ Lyrical monopoly, lyrical
legacy, it's hereditary ♪
♪ To be what?
The best garage MC, cor! ♪
♪ Who's your daddy-dy?
Who's your daddy? It's me! ♪
♪ Dah, dah Grindah MC! ♪
That was pure emotional inside.
We're all feeling it.
Steves has even got
a tear in his eye.
It might just be from the smoke.
But, I... Yeah,
it was emotional though.
[Beats] Still liked it.
[Steves] Really enjoyed it.
[he snorts]
Hold on.
[coughs]
Evening, boys. All right?
Come through.
The old birthday thing,
you know what I mean?
Bare early, like.
Easy! Ah, look at that. Look
how she's holding the spoon.
It's like a mic. Natural
instinct. Just like her daddy.
-Doing the cards and that?
-Loads of cards, yeah.
Crack one open,
see what it says.
-"Happy birthday, Angel".
-That's a thoughtful message.
Not even any money in it,
as well.
It's pointless if they're
not gonna make an effort.
Don't worry, Angel.
Nanna sent you some money.
Tell 'em how old you are today.
-Five.
-Oh, the big five!
My little Angel's getting old.
I started getting crow's feet
and deep lines when I was
your age.
So you're lucky Mummy knows how
to fight the signs of ageing.
I've got a two for one
manicure and eyebrow treading
at Brentford's Nails
down the high street, just
like a little birthday treat.
I've got something as well.
I was gonna wait for him to get
down here before I told you.
But Decoy is actually gonna be
your chauffy...the driver,
for the day.
-Thanks.
-Cos you've gotta look good for
your little party, ain't ya?
-Yes.
-Yeah? Ah!
Party being actually
organised by yours truly. Ah!
It's gonna be absolute
madness, innit?
She's gonna be going mental,
this little one, innit?
The thing is with kids, yeah,
it's like quite hard to predict
their little life momencies.
That's why birthdays are good,
cos you always see 'em coming
and, like, make sure you're
there for every one, like.
Not the actual birth, actually.
Cos the actual birth is
different. We had a whole
new aerial revamp.
We had to do the station up
and that. It was bare madness.
Miche understood.
Anyway, when she was on her way
to the hospital, she ended up
bumping into Decoy,
so he took her, it was fine.
It all worked out in the end.
Even took some photos.
I did make him delete
them, though, cos...
he shouldn't really have been
down that end in the first
place, cos it's a bit...
Make sure you have a good time.
When you get back, Daddy'll have
a party sorted for you, yeah?
-Yeah.
-All right. Sweet!
-Don't be running off with them.
-[Miche laughs nervously]
-Course not, man. Do you want
me to get anything?
- Got it all sorted, mate.
Chabuds is getting this banging
premium Polish vodka, like.
Yeah, but what about, like,
balloons or a cake or something?
Yeah... Yes, I've got it
all on here. I'm sorting it.
Come on. Come on, guys. Get out!
-Yeah? See you lot later.
-Sorry.
Sorry.
It's all worth it though, innit?
See the look on her face?
Ah, she's so excited. To me,
it's about giving her a memory
she will never forget.
Although she probably will
forget it, cos she's only five
and, like, when she gets
into her drug-taking years,
she'll be wrecked then
and her memory will get wiped,
so... Still good to make
an effort though.
[Snoop Dogg
Ain't No Fun plays]
-Sorry.
-Oh, no! I like that tune, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Even with...?
-You like this one,
don't you, Angel?
-Yeah.
[tune plays again]
All right, it's 35 for
the smoke machine, yeah?
Right, chuck in a couple
of the strobes
and I'll bump it up to 40
and we'll call it quits, get
a little drink for yourself.
Boss, I got them vodkas
in for tonight, mate.
-Straight from Poland, yeah?
Fresh off the boat.
-Shh!
Why didn't you just
come a bit later?
Cos I knew that you
were busy and that.
One second, mate.
Just...whatever, just...
People actually read it
as "polish".
So it's a good legal loophole
that we've got going on.
The first few batches we had
a few teething problems. People
losing their teeth and that.
But what we've tried to do is
make it as strong as possible,
without any serious side effects
or notes for disabilities.
People in Southall are
already going crazy for it.
Don't care!
Don't do birthday cakes.
Get the geezer that comes
in the van to pick one up
on the way here.
Can I speak to
someone that's...?
Give me someone that's above
you, yeah? Don't touch that!
-Steves! Come on, mate.
-Eh?
Wake up. You've got your set
in a minute, you mug. Hello?
Right, basically, if
I'm forking out all this
for the smoke machine, yeah,
I'm definitely gonna need
a birthday cake chucked in.
Well, I don't care if it's
not Argos policy, yeah?
Change it! That's my policy.
There, that's the only one
I could find.
Ah, thank you. Cheers.
-Put that on.
-Shall I tuck it in?
Yeah, tuck it in.
All the way round.
There. See? [laughs]
-There you go.
-No, you're... Come here.
Cos we only really did
the short ties in school.
-Shirt really smells.
-Don't worry about
how you smell.
Just worry about looking smart,
that's the most important thing.
Cos I've got a job interview
today at Tie One.
Not the country, the suit shop,
the one next to Greggs
in West Ealing.
So Roche knows
the manager there, so...
-Got an interview today.
- So you've got a good chance.
So, yeah, I'm really looking
forward to it, actually.
Yeah. Be nice, won't it,
to have a job?
Then you could start
paying some bills,
spending some more time
with me and Craig.
Yeah, cos then...
Yeah, then I can spend...
more time with you lot
and that.
-That's better.
-Yeah?
James Bond sort of shit.
Well, I hope he gets it. It'd
nice to have a bit of money.
Cos it was all just me
making all the money.
That'd be good.
Easy, boys.
[Roche] I think it'd
be good for him.
I think he'd feel better. He'd
feel a sense of achievement...
if he came home with some money.
You've got that job
interview today, yeah?
Yeah, it's an absolute
nightmare, mate.
-Do you want to do a bit
of role play for the interview?
-Yeah.
Okay, pull up a chair, mate.
Pull up a chair.
Listen, mate, you need
to be sure of yourself, yeah?
You need to be
completely confident.
From the minute
you walk in the door,
you grab the goat by the horns.
Don't be afraid of the goat.
-That's your goat, okay?
-Yeah.
You are going to penetrate
that goat, okay?
This is, uh,
this is where I work.
This is Quality Foods,
quality and quantity.
I haven't always worked here,
but, uh, you know,
I'm not going to pretend
this was my dream,
sitting in a Portacabin,
making sure that the Quality
Foods, uh, are paid for.
So you need to know
everything about ties.
You need to know what tie
goes with what shirt.
What's the battery life
like on my musical tie?
-How do I get these masala
stains out of the tie?
-What if you don't though?
I dunno if you can see,
but that screen is just
that view out of that window.
I have spoken to them
about it and said, "That's
what I'm actually looking at.
I don't need to look at it
on the screen," but...
they said that's the most
important bit of the car park.
So if it's a woman,
you use your charm.
You'll be like, "All right,
sex. I love what's
on your face."
-Something about their face.
-Yeah, yeah.
If it's a fella, if it's
a geezer, you have a
bit of banter with him.
"All right, dude, what you
up to tonight? You going down
the chippy for a pint, mate?
Smash some brasses tonight?
Did you see the fight on
Match Of The Day last night?"
-What fight?
-No, okay, I tell you what...
Maybe for you it's best
not to say too much, okay?
Keep it short, keep it sweet.
-Always leave them wanting more.
-Always leave them wanting more.
-Exactly. Say it again.
-Always leave them wanting more.
-Leave them or lead them?
-Leave...leave, leave them.
-You've confused me now.
-Okay.
[both] Always leave them
wanting more.
-Exactly.
-Sick.
So this is actually, like,
a fish pedicure.
It's really good if you
have dry skin or arthritis.
How you getting on?
Does it tickle, does it? Yeah.
No, it probably won't, because
I'm actually a qualified
freelance nail technician,
so I do a lot of these therapies
on Angel already so she's very
used to this kind of thing.
-Oh, nice.
-I was going to get some of
these fish for my home salon,
but the man in the pet shop
wasn't sure what I meant.
Being a mum is the hardest job
in the world and the most
important job in the world.
As soon as you give birth,
that's like you've got the job
and you need to work hard
and make sure you keep the job.
Daddy seems to like
the fish, don't he?
Shall we see if Daddy would
like to get his feet done, too?
-Um, nah...
-He's not her daddy, no.
Like, he's our driver.
-I'll just go to the car.
-Yeah, see you in a bit.
Do you know what, yeah?
You can shove your
mini-Kias up your arse, mate!
Absolute mug!
Boss, let me know if
you need any help, yeah?
I mean, anything you get
from Argos, Chabuddy G
can get you as well.
Tell you what, Chabuds mate,
have you got a smoke machine?
Cos I've still got so much more
on this list I still ain't got.
I ain't got...a cake, balloons,
party food, strobe light,
banners, clown.
Oh, fuck! And also I ain't got
Angel's birthday present.
Listen, mate, don't worry, okay?
How much money you got?
-About 70's I reckon.
-£70, yeah?
-At present, yeah.
-Bit of a coincidence, actually,
cos you know I organise
parties all the time.
I can give you the full party
package... Let me just check.
It will include cake,
balloons, clown...
Yeah, pretty much everything
on there I can do for you.
-All that, what, for 70?
-All for 70, mate, okay?
Party is practically
my middle name, yeah?
Cha-Party G!
Do you usually do it
from the top then?
That's how I was trained
to do it, yeah.
Interesting. Yeah, it's like
a foreign technique.
So maybe if we get a bit
more, like, from below.
And take a deep breath.
[she exhales]
Are you ready?
-Good girl.
-[mobile rings]
-Hi, babe. Yeah, right now?
-I'm finding Angel's
present now, actually.
-Oh, okay.
-There's so much, man.
Yeah, maybe, like, get her
something different. She's got
loads of guns now.
No, I'm not getting her guns.
I'm by all the girlie stuff.
-I was just ringing to check.
I'll speak to you in a bit.
-Bye, babe.
It's mad, actually. Presents
are a proper big deal to kids,
like, these days.
Ah, these are all right, innit?
See that? That's sick.
Ah! She'll love this, yeah.
That's a good piece, that is.
I shouldn't have give Chadbuds
all that money, actually.
Here's one though. Little trick
of the trade if you want
a discount.
All you've got to do is
give it a little...
No. Good...good quality
that is, actually.
-Excuse me.
-Sorry.
Oh! Probably
the best place, cos...
Read that. Music. That's her
main passion, anyway, so...
What? Ah! No wires as well.
That is... That's sick!
She'll love this, like.
♪ As we enter! As we enter! ♪
♪ Birthday thing
for the one Angel ♪
I've smashed it, ain't I?
You know? Yeah.
♪ Inside! Inside! ♪
Joke. It's not on, so...
They're in there. They'll call
you in when they're ready.
Right. Cheers, fella.
Thank you.
[whispers] Fuck!
I think that was a girl.
Oh! Fuck, it's all fluffy.
Look at that.
I love these. Water coolers.
So I'll just...
Oh, perfect. Yeah, that's
looking smooth right now.
Free water here as well, yeah?
They ain't mucking about!
They know what they're doing.
Oh!
Oh, God!
Oh, God, I had to use the bloody
stairs cos the lift is jammed.
I tell you what, I haven't
sweated this much since my last
Russian passport control.
-Grindah!
-Hello, mate.
-Here you are, Boss.
-Just wrapping up the presents.
Ah! Smashed it.
Came through, yeah?
-All good?
-Yeah, brilliant, man.
Let's see what we've got.
Chocolate willies?
Everything's cock related.
It's my little girl's birthday
party and there's cocks
everywhere!
Listen, mate, it's still
all classic party stuff, yeah?
All we've got to do is
disguise it a little bit, okay?
If it doesn't look like a willy,
you won't think twice before
putting it in your mouth.
I'm not putting it in my mouth!
I'm not putting anything like
that anywhere near my mouth!
The company is called
Chabuddy's Party Package,
which is a bit of play on words,
if you know what I mean?
It's mostly aimed at hen
parties. I've never really
done a children's party before.
It's the same thing,
really, isn't it?
-Where's the smoke machine?
-I've got incense, mate.
-What's incense?
-It's like smoke machines.
But it has a lovely aroma
attached to it, free of charge!
-Not a smoke machine?
-Not exactly, but I've got a
choice of cherry or sandalwood.
Oh, for f...
Definitely cherry!
-Good choice.
-Why the fuck do I want
to smell sandals?
-What's that then?
-That's one of my favourites.
-Oh, willies! For f...
-After dinner willies.
-Stop touching 'em!
-Mint, minty.
Feeling quite confident,
actually. Yeah.
Oh! Vibrating.
Oh, Roche.
"Don't fuck this up..."
-Words of encouragement.
-[door opens]
Kevin Bates?
-Hello, Boss.
-Hi, Kevin. I'm Chris. Friend
of Roche's. How you doing?
-Yeah, good, man. You?
-Good. Very good, thank you.
Lovely. I've got these boys
with me. Hope that's all right?
-Roche warned me about them.
-Oh, right.
Not Watchdog, are you?
No, cos we're completely
above board here.
Yeah, lovely.
This is really just a formality.
Nothing for you to worry about.
Regional manager's sitting in.
Going ask a few questions.
-No tests or anything.
-Yeah, fuck doing tests, mate.
I've never done tests
in my life, so...
-Um, anyway, do you want...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Have a seat.
-Cheers, thank you.
Hello. I'm Kevin.
Nice to meet you.
Just take this off. Phoar!
Jesus, that's pungent.
So it's all about just making
use of what you've got.
Using your imagination and that.
So the chocolate penis cake
is now a caterpillar cake, yeah?
Chocolate willies,
now bunny rabbits, yeah?
-Novelty condoms, balloons.
-Disgusting!
Business is all about adapting,
rolling with the punches.
For example, I used to have
this Indian restaurant when
I first started out.
But I changed it
to an Italian one.
There was just too
many Indian restaurants
in the Curry Mile, I adapted.
So in the menu, we changed
a few things. We had
the samosa calzone.
We had the spaghetti
tikka masala.
We even renamed the chef,
so Guda became Gino.
And Mandip became Mario.
Which was quite funny, actually,
cos he was a part-time
plumber as well.
Right, well, thank you for
coming in to see us
today, Kevin.
And thank you for having me
in your wonderful establishment.
Why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?
Well, my name's Kevin Bates,
aka Beats.
I co-run a pirate radio station
called Kurupt FM.
108.9 on the dial. Best believe.
Um, we play mainly garage music
and drum and bass quite
late in the evening.
But not the new stuff, more old
school Jungle sort of stuff.
So, uh, yeah, I'm a DJ,
but I also ad lib a bit as well.
I run it with my partner
in crime, MC Grindah.
[Miche] We're keeping, like,
numbers down this year,
so we've just invited Angel's
main friends. So, like,
Beats, Steves,
Weapon X, all that lot and,
like, her Nan's coming as well.
A lot of her school mates
are quite immature and a few of
them Grindah didn't get on with.
So...just better to keep
them away so we don't have
any trouble this year.
[drum and bass plays]
Love this tune.
Happy birthday!
Come here! Surprise!
-Do you like it?
-Yeah, it smells really nice.
It's incense. It's a new thing.
It's like smoke machines
but better and more fragrant.
-I love the balloons.
-Don't touch them.
They're a bit greasy.
Don't touch them either
and don't let her touch
the chocolate bunnies.
I've been surrounded by ties
my whole life.
At the age of 13,
when I started at school,
I really got into 'em.
Just looking at the way
people do them up.
Just wear them and, like...
Yeah, so man does have
a huge passion in ties.
Right, great. Moving on.
What sort of skill sets
do you have
that would enable you to
perform this role effectively?
Uh, skill sets?
DJ set eight till ten, so...
Do you want me to
repeat the question?
I was going to stop you there,
actually, Christopher, cos I
need to head to the toilet.
-Okay, well, actually...
-Don't worry.
I know where it is.
Always leave 'em wanting more.
Standard!
Job done.
[he raps]
Sweet!
[dance music plays]
Stop!
Turn for Angel, yeah?
-What is it?
-Lucky girl!
No, Steves!
No, move it on, mate. It's
not your game, it's for Angel.
Oi, Hitler!
Let him have one layer!
Mum, be nice.
This is my mum, Carol.
Don't tell 'em that.
People think we're sisters.
You heard that once.
Keep it moving.
Keep it moving, Steves!
Yeah, there's, like,
good news and bad news.
I already know the bad news,
cos I spoke to Chris earlier.
-I didn't really get that one.
-Course you didn't get it!
-Cos you fucking walked out
halfway through.
-Sorry.
I absolutely smashed it
with this one.
Who's is that one?
Decoy's. Which one's yours?
It's pointless now.
His present's massive.
-Mine's tiny compared to it.
-All right, guys, listen.
Special appearance coming very
soon. Get your party hats on,
cos we're gonna have a good
time, all right? Special
performance coming quite soon!
-Decoy!
-I'm telling Decoy
about my modelling days.
-Decoy doesn't give a shit
about your modelling days.
- Oh, shut up, lemon!
I don't know why you knock
around with him, I swear to God.
You weren't exactly a model,
you were an extra in
a DFS advert.
Why have you got
a massive present?
-It ain't nothing big, man.
-Of course it is. Kids love
massive presents.
Mine's tiny compared to yours.
No, we've got to swap.
Bruv, no. It's cool, man.
It ain't about size, is it?
It's easy for you to say,
you're Jamaican.
No, don't touch the balloon!
Look, you have got to grow up.
I'm already struggling
supporting Craig and
fucking Debo.
-Who's Debo?
-He's that fucking African kid
me and Craig sponsor.
Oh, yeah, he loves
him to bits though.
To be fair, you can't put
a price on them things.
Hello! Am I getting
through to you at all?
Yeah, sorry. It's that clown
looks proper weird, like.
Where's his shirt?
Maybe it's just a modern
clown sort of thing.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Now the special entertainer
for tonight.
Mr Throb...De Niro!
The clown.
[Miche] Oh? Yay, a clown!
You've never had a clown
before, have you, Ange?
Come on then, mate,
get to it.
What do you want me to do?
[music plays]
[Miche] I think part of being
a mum is being able to handle
whatever gets thrown at you.
Like, I've got this mug.
It says on it
"Keep Calm, be a mum".
That's like a slogan
I just live by now.
Okay, make an animal out
of this or something, mate.
Whatever happens, I always
have to look after Angel.
Make sure she's going to school
and not getting fat
or anything.
And if, like, one day,
I do look down on her and she's
getting chunky or whatever,
then I'll just know what to do.
Oh, my God! You could
crack walnuts with those!
Right, that's it! You're done,
mate. Get out! Get out!
Sick! Get out!
You're finished.
It's was good, wasn't it,
like? He was actually, like,
a technically talented dancer.
I'd like him for
my birthday, Miche.
-I haven't been paid yet.
-I don't give a fuck, mate.
Sort it with Chabuds later.
It's a five-year-old's
birthday party. She'll be
scarred for life now.
It's all right.
He'll come back.
You want to open some presents?
That'd be fun, wouldn't it?
-Which one do you want first?
-That one?
I think that's from Daddy.
Maybe he should be here
when you open it.
Why is it...? Is it closed.
Oh, come on!
What's...? It's not moving.
-Oh!
-Some baby shampoo.
Baby shampoo from Steves.
Couldn't think what else
they really use, so...
Hello?
You're fucking joking me!
Oh, a doll's house!
Look at that! Ah!
I love it!
I mean, Angel loves it.
Thanks, Uncle Decoy.
What do you say?
-You don't like it?
-No, I don't like doll's houses.
Are you opening Daddy's one?
All right, I gotta call.
No fucking signal.
You got a phone on ya?
-You'd see it if I had it, mate.
-What about you lot?
I gotta tell them
to stop the party.
You've got a microphone
from Daddy!
Best present!
♪ It's Beats and Grindah ♪
♪ Here to catch a hyper ♪
[he joins in]
♪ It's Beats and Grindah ♪
♪ Here to get you hyper ♪
♪ It's Beats and Grindah
Here to get you hyper! ♪
Hello!
-Press that one.
-Shut up!
Conducting.
-Just pure conduction.
- ♪ Monday ♪
-♪ Is the day that we roll
- Tuesday ♪
It's going straight
to voicemail.
-Oh, you can tell.
-[applause]
Angel is a bit of a tomboy,
like, but she's also
got her girlie side.
Like, half of her is me,
like, girlie, nails, shopping.
And the other half of her
is a bit more, like, violent,
like stabbing stuff and,
like, breaking all her toys,
and, like, shouting at me
and that's more like
her Grindah side.
You got a screwdriver
or something? Completely
pointless, this whole thing.
Did you just fart?
[alarm beeps]
Hold on. Alarm.
There you go. It's midnight.
It's poppin' off.
Right now is a lyrical tribute,
yeah, to my Angel.
And it is because
she is turning...
a whole year older.
♪ Turn it up, turn it up! ♪
-♪ Who's ready? Who's ready ♪
-I'm ready.
♪ She's the one,
she's my number one star ♪
♪ First I had sex with her mum
in the car ♪
♪ She came out her stomach
like rah! ♪
♪ I never seen that before
The first sight that I saw ♪
♪ I knew that what? She'd
take over garage by storm ♪
♪ She'd take over
garage by storm, cor!
It's her destiny-ny! ♪
♪ It's her destiny-ny to be
the first female garage MC ♪
Well, not the first, but...
♪ The first to do it properly ♪
♪ Lyrical monopoly, lyrical
legacy, it's hereditary ♪
♪ To be what?
The best garage MC, cor! ♪
♪ Who's your daddy-dy?
Who's your daddy? It's me! ♪
♪ Dah, dah Grindah MC! ♪
That was pure emotional inside.
We're all feeling it.
Steves has even got
a tear in his eye.
It might just be from the smoke.
But, I... Yeah,
it was emotional though.
[Beats] Still liked it.
[Steves] Really enjoyed it.
[he snorts]
Hold on.
[coughs]
Evening, boys. All right?
Come through.
The old birthday thing,
you know what I mean?
Bare early, like.
Easy! Ah, look at that. Look
how she's holding the spoon.
It's like a mic. Natural
instinct. Just like her daddy.
-Doing the cards and that?
-Loads of cards, yeah.
Crack one open,
see what it says.
-"Happy birthday, Angel".
-That's a thoughtful message.
Not even any money in it,
as well.
It's pointless if they're
not gonna make an effort.
Don't worry, Angel.
Nanna sent you some money.
Tell 'em how old you are today.
-Five.
-Oh, the big five!
My little Angel's getting old.
I started getting crow's feet
and deep lines when I was
your age.
So you're lucky Mummy knows how
to fight the signs of ageing.
I've got a two for one
manicure and eyebrow treading
at Brentford's Nails
down the high street, just
like a little birthday treat.
I've got something as well.
I was gonna wait for him to get
down here before I told you.
But Decoy is actually gonna be
your chauffy...the driver,
for the day.
-Thanks.
-Cos you've gotta look good for
your little party, ain't ya?
-Yes.
-Yeah? Ah!
Party being actually
organised by yours truly. Ah!
It's gonna be absolute
madness, innit?
She's gonna be going mental,
this little one, innit?
The thing is with kids, yeah,
it's like quite hard to predict
their little life momencies.
That's why birthdays are good,
cos you always see 'em coming
and, like, make sure you're
there for every one, like.
Not the actual birth, actually.
Cos the actual birth is
different. We had a whole
new aerial revamp.
We had to do the station up
and that. It was bare madness.
Miche understood.
Anyway, when she was on her way
to the hospital, she ended up
bumping into Decoy,
so he took her, it was fine.
It all worked out in the end.
Even took some photos.
I did make him delete
them, though, cos...
he shouldn't really have been
down that end in the first
place, cos it's a bit...
Make sure you have a good time.
When you get back, Daddy'll have
a party sorted for you, yeah?
-Yeah.
-All right. Sweet!
-Don't be running off with them.
-[Miche laughs nervously]
-Course not, man. Do you want
me to get anything?
- Got it all sorted, mate.
Chabuds is getting this banging
premium Polish vodka, like.
Yeah, but what about, like,
balloons or a cake or something?
Yeah... Yes, I've got it
all on here. I'm sorting it.
Come on. Come on, guys. Get out!
-Yeah? See you lot later.
-Sorry.
Sorry.
It's all worth it though, innit?
See the look on her face?
Ah, she's so excited. To me,
it's about giving her a memory
she will never forget.
Although she probably will
forget it, cos she's only five
and, like, when she gets
into her drug-taking years,
she'll be wrecked then
and her memory will get wiped,
so... Still good to make
an effort though.
[Snoop Dogg
Ain't No Fun plays]
-Sorry.
-Oh, no! I like that tune, yeah.
-Yeah.
-Even with...?
-You like this one,
don't you, Angel?
-Yeah.
[tune plays again]
All right, it's 35 for
the smoke machine, yeah?
Right, chuck in a couple
of the strobes
and I'll bump it up to 40
and we'll call it quits, get
a little drink for yourself.
Boss, I got them vodkas
in for tonight, mate.
-Straight from Poland, yeah?
Fresh off the boat.
-Shh!
Why didn't you just
come a bit later?
Cos I knew that you
were busy and that.
One second, mate.
Just...whatever, just...
People actually read it
as "polish".
So it's a good legal loophole
that we've got going on.
The first few batches we had
a few teething problems. People
losing their teeth and that.
But what we've tried to do is
make it as strong as possible,
without any serious side effects
or notes for disabilities.
People in Southall are
already going crazy for it.
Don't care!
Don't do birthday cakes.
Get the geezer that comes
in the van to pick one up
on the way here.
Can I speak to
someone that's...?
Give me someone that's above
you, yeah? Don't touch that!
-Steves! Come on, mate.
-Eh?
Wake up. You've got your set
in a minute, you mug. Hello?
Right, basically, if
I'm forking out all this
for the smoke machine, yeah,
I'm definitely gonna need
a birthday cake chucked in.
Well, I don't care if it's
not Argos policy, yeah?
Change it! That's my policy.
There, that's the only one
I could find.
Ah, thank you. Cheers.
-Put that on.
-Shall I tuck it in?
Yeah, tuck it in.
All the way round.
There. See? [laughs]
-There you go.
-No, you're... Come here.
Cos we only really did
the short ties in school.
-Shirt really smells.
-Don't worry about
how you smell.
Just worry about looking smart,
that's the most important thing.
Cos I've got a job interview
today at Tie One.
Not the country, the suit shop,
the one next to Greggs
in West Ealing.
So Roche knows
the manager there, so...
-Got an interview today.
- So you've got a good chance.
So, yeah, I'm really looking
forward to it, actually.
Yeah. Be nice, won't it,
to have a job?
Then you could start
paying some bills,
spending some more time
with me and Craig.
Yeah, cos then...
Yeah, then I can spend...
more time with you lot
and that.
-That's better.
-Yeah?
James Bond sort of shit.
Well, I hope he gets it. It'd
nice to have a bit of money.
Cos it was all just me
making all the money.
That'd be good.
Easy, boys.
[Roche] I think it'd
be good for him.
I think he'd feel better. He'd
feel a sense of achievement...
if he came home with some money.
You've got that job
interview today, yeah?
Yeah, it's an absolute
nightmare, mate.
-Do you want to do a bit
of role play for the interview?
-Yeah.
Okay, pull up a chair, mate.
Pull up a chair.
Listen, mate, you need
to be sure of yourself, yeah?
You need to be
completely confident.
From the minute
you walk in the door,
you grab the goat by the horns.
Don't be afraid of the goat.
-That's your goat, okay?
-Yeah.
You are going to penetrate
that goat, okay?
This is, uh,
this is where I work.
This is Quality Foods,
quality and quantity.
I haven't always worked here,
but, uh, you know,
I'm not going to pretend
this was my dream,
sitting in a Portacabin,
making sure that the Quality
Foods, uh, are paid for.
So you need to know
everything about ties.
You need to know what tie
goes with what shirt.
What's the battery life
like on my musical tie?
-How do I get these masala
stains out of the tie?
-What if you don't though?
I dunno if you can see,
but that screen is just
that view out of that window.
I have spoken to them
about it and said, "That's
what I'm actually looking at.
I don't need to look at it
on the screen," but...
they said that's the most
important bit of the car park.
So if it's a woman,
you use your charm.
You'll be like, "All right,
sex. I love what's
on your face."
-Something about their face.
-Yeah, yeah.
If it's a fella, if it's
a geezer, you have a
bit of banter with him.
"All right, dude, what you
up to tonight? You going down
the chippy for a pint, mate?
Smash some brasses tonight?
Did you see the fight on
Match Of The Day last night?"
-What fight?
-No, okay, I tell you what...
Maybe for you it's best
not to say too much, okay?
Keep it short, keep it sweet.
-Always leave them wanting more.
-Always leave them wanting more.
-Exactly. Say it again.
-Always leave them wanting more.
-Leave them or lead them?
-Leave...leave, leave them.
-You've confused me now.
-Okay.
[both] Always leave them
wanting more.
-Exactly.
-Sick.
So this is actually, like,
a fish pedicure.
It's really good if you
have dry skin or arthritis.
How you getting on?
Does it tickle, does it? Yeah.
No, it probably won't, because
I'm actually a qualified
freelance nail technician,
so I do a lot of these therapies
on Angel already so she's very
used to this kind of thing.
-Oh, nice.
-I was going to get some of
these fish for my home salon,
but the man in the pet shop
wasn't sure what I meant.
Being a mum is the hardest job
in the world and the most
important job in the world.
As soon as you give birth,
that's like you've got the job
and you need to work hard
and make sure you keep the job.
Daddy seems to like
the fish, don't he?
Shall we see if Daddy would
like to get his feet done, too?
-Um, nah...
-He's not her daddy, no.
Like, he's our driver.
-I'll just go to the car.
-Yeah, see you in a bit.
Do you know what, yeah?
You can shove your
mini-Kias up your arse, mate!
Absolute mug!
Boss, let me know if
you need any help, yeah?
I mean, anything you get
from Argos, Chabuddy G
can get you as well.
Tell you what, Chabuds mate,
have you got a smoke machine?
Cos I've still got so much more
on this list I still ain't got.
I ain't got...a cake, balloons,
party food, strobe light,
banners, clown.
Oh, fuck! And also I ain't got
Angel's birthday present.
Listen, mate, don't worry, okay?
How much money you got?
-About 70's I reckon.
-£70, yeah?
-At present, yeah.
-Bit of a coincidence, actually,
cos you know I organise
parties all the time.
I can give you the full party
package... Let me just check.
It will include cake,
balloons, clown...
Yeah, pretty much everything
on there I can do for you.
-All that, what, for 70?
-All for 70, mate, okay?
Party is practically
my middle name, yeah?
Cha-Party G!
Do you usually do it
from the top then?
That's how I was trained
to do it, yeah.
Interesting. Yeah, it's like
a foreign technique.
So maybe if we get a bit
more, like, from below.
And take a deep breath.
[she exhales]
Are you ready?
-Good girl.
-[mobile rings]
-Hi, babe. Yeah, right now?
-I'm finding Angel's
present now, actually.
-Oh, okay.
-There's so much, man.
Yeah, maybe, like, get her
something different. She's got
loads of guns now.
No, I'm not getting her guns.
I'm by all the girlie stuff.
-I was just ringing to check.
I'll speak to you in a bit.
-Bye, babe.
It's mad, actually. Presents
are a proper big deal to kids,
like, these days.
Ah, these are all right, innit?
See that? That's sick.
Ah! She'll love this, yeah.
That's a good piece, that is.
I shouldn't have give Chadbuds
all that money, actually.
Here's one though. Little trick
of the trade if you want
a discount.
All you've got to do is
give it a little...
No. Good...good quality
that is, actually.
-Excuse me.
-Sorry.
Oh! Probably
the best place, cos...
Read that. Music. That's her
main passion, anyway, so...
What? Ah! No wires as well.
That is... That's sick!
She'll love this, like.
♪ As we enter! As we enter! ♪
♪ Birthday thing
for the one Angel ♪
I've smashed it, ain't I?
You know? Yeah.
♪ Inside! Inside! ♪
Joke. It's not on, so...
They're in there. They'll call
you in when they're ready.
Right. Cheers, fella.
Thank you.
[whispers] Fuck!
I think that was a girl.
Oh! Fuck, it's all fluffy.
Look at that.
I love these. Water coolers.
So I'll just...
Oh, perfect. Yeah, that's
looking smooth right now.
Free water here as well, yeah?
They ain't mucking about!
They know what they're doing.
Oh!
Oh, God!
Oh, God, I had to use the bloody
stairs cos the lift is jammed.
I tell you what, I haven't
sweated this much since my last
Russian passport control.
-Grindah!
-Hello, mate.
-Here you are, Boss.
-Just wrapping up the presents.
Ah! Smashed it.
Came through, yeah?
-All good?
-Yeah, brilliant, man.
Let's see what we've got.
Chocolate willies?
Everything's cock related.
It's my little girl's birthday
party and there's cocks
everywhere!
Listen, mate, it's still
all classic party stuff, yeah?
All we've got to do is
disguise it a little bit, okay?
If it doesn't look like a willy,
you won't think twice before
putting it in your mouth.
I'm not putting it in my mouth!
I'm not putting anything like
that anywhere near my mouth!
The company is called
Chabuddy's Party Package,
which is a bit of play on words,
if you know what I mean?
It's mostly aimed at hen
parties. I've never really
done a children's party before.
It's the same thing,
really, isn't it?
-Where's the smoke machine?
-I've got incense, mate.
-What's incense?
-It's like smoke machines.
But it has a lovely aroma
attached to it, free of charge!
-Not a smoke machine?
-Not exactly, but I've got a
choice of cherry or sandalwood.
Oh, for f...
Definitely cherry!
-Good choice.
-Why the fuck do I want
to smell sandals?
-What's that then?
-That's one of my favourites.
-Oh, willies! For f...
-After dinner willies.
-Stop touching 'em!
-Mint, minty.
Feeling quite confident,
actually. Yeah.
Oh! Vibrating.
Oh, Roche.
"Don't fuck this up..."
-Words of encouragement.
-[door opens]
Kevin Bates?
-Hello, Boss.
-Hi, Kevin. I'm Chris. Friend
of Roche's. How you doing?
-Yeah, good, man. You?
-Good. Very good, thank you.
Lovely. I've got these boys
with me. Hope that's all right?
-Roche warned me about them.
-Oh, right.
Not Watchdog, are you?
No, cos we're completely
above board here.
Yeah, lovely.
This is really just a formality.
Nothing for you to worry about.
Regional manager's sitting in.
Going ask a few questions.
-No tests or anything.
-Yeah, fuck doing tests, mate.
I've never done tests
in my life, so...
-Um, anyway, do you want...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Have a seat.
-Cheers, thank you.
Hello. I'm Kevin.
Nice to meet you.
Just take this off. Phoar!
Jesus, that's pungent.
So it's all about just making
use of what you've got.
Using your imagination and that.
So the chocolate penis cake
is now a caterpillar cake, yeah?
Chocolate willies,
now bunny rabbits, yeah?
-Novelty condoms, balloons.
-Disgusting!
Business is all about adapting,
rolling with the punches.
For example, I used to have
this Indian restaurant when
I first started out.
But I changed it
to an Italian one.
There was just too
many Indian restaurants
in the Curry Mile, I adapted.
So in the menu, we changed
a few things. We had
the samosa calzone.
We had the spaghetti
tikka masala.
We even renamed the chef,
so Guda became Gino.
And Mandip became Mario.
Which was quite funny, actually,
cos he was a part-time
plumber as well.
Right, well, thank you for
coming in to see us
today, Kevin.
And thank you for having me
in your wonderful establishment.
Why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?
Well, my name's Kevin Bates,
aka Beats.
I co-run a pirate radio station
called Kurupt FM.
108.9 on the dial. Best believe.
Um, we play mainly garage music
and drum and bass quite
late in the evening.
But not the new stuff, more old
school Jungle sort of stuff.
So, uh, yeah, I'm a DJ,
but I also ad lib a bit as well.
I run it with my partner
in crime, MC Grindah.
[Miche] We're keeping, like,
numbers down this year,
so we've just invited Angel's
main friends. So, like,
Beats, Steves,
Weapon X, all that lot and,
like, her Nan's coming as well.
A lot of her school mates
are quite immature and a few of
them Grindah didn't get on with.
So...just better to keep
them away so we don't have
any trouble this year.
[drum and bass plays]
Love this tune.
Happy birthday!
Come here! Surprise!
-Do you like it?
-Yeah, it smells really nice.
It's incense. It's a new thing.
It's like smoke machines
but better and more fragrant.
-I love the balloons.
-Don't touch them.
They're a bit greasy.
Don't touch them either
and don't let her touch
the chocolate bunnies.
I've been surrounded by ties
my whole life.
At the age of 13,
when I started at school,
I really got into 'em.
Just looking at the way
people do them up.
Just wear them and, like...
Yeah, so man does have
a huge passion in ties.
Right, great. Moving on.
What sort of skill sets
do you have
that would enable you to
perform this role effectively?
Uh, skill sets?
DJ set eight till ten, so...
Do you want me to
repeat the question?
I was going to stop you there,
actually, Christopher, cos I
need to head to the toilet.
-Okay, well, actually...
-Don't worry.
I know where it is.
Always leave 'em wanting more.
Standard!
Job done.
[he raps]
Sweet!
[dance music plays]
Stop!
Turn for Angel, yeah?
-What is it?
-Lucky girl!
No, Steves!
No, move it on, mate. It's
not your game, it's for Angel.
Oi, Hitler!
Let him have one layer!
Mum, be nice.
This is my mum, Carol.
Don't tell 'em that.
People think we're sisters.
You heard that once.
Keep it moving.
Keep it moving, Steves!
Yeah, there's, like,
good news and bad news.
I already know the bad news,
cos I spoke to Chris earlier.
-I didn't really get that one.
-Course you didn't get it!
-Cos you fucking walked out
halfway through.
-Sorry.
I absolutely smashed it
with this one.
Who's is that one?
Decoy's. Which one's yours?
It's pointless now.
His present's massive.
-Mine's tiny compared to it.
-All right, guys, listen.
Special appearance coming very
soon. Get your party hats on,
cos we're gonna have a good
time, all right? Special
performance coming quite soon!
-Decoy!
-I'm telling Decoy
about my modelling days.
-Decoy doesn't give a shit
about your modelling days.
- Oh, shut up, lemon!
I don't know why you knock
around with him, I swear to God.
You weren't exactly a model,
you were an extra in
a DFS advert.
Why have you got
a massive present?
-It ain't nothing big, man.
-Of course it is. Kids love
massive presents.
Mine's tiny compared to yours.
No, we've got to swap.
Bruv, no. It's cool, man.
It ain't about size, is it?
It's easy for you to say,
you're Jamaican.
No, don't touch the balloon!
Look, you have got to grow up.
I'm already struggling
supporting Craig and
fucking Debo.
-Who's Debo?
-He's that fucking African kid
me and Craig sponsor.
Oh, yeah, he loves
him to bits though.
To be fair, you can't put
a price on them things.
Hello! Am I getting
through to you at all?
Yeah, sorry. It's that clown
looks proper weird, like.
Where's his shirt?
Maybe it's just a modern
clown sort of thing.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Now the special entertainer
for tonight.
Mr Throb...De Niro!
The clown.
[Miche] Oh? Yay, a clown!
You've never had a clown
before, have you, Ange?
Come on then, mate,
get to it.
What do you want me to do?
[music plays]
[Miche] I think part of being
a mum is being able to handle
whatever gets thrown at you.
Like, I've got this mug.
It says on it
"Keep Calm, be a mum".
That's like a slogan
I just live by now.
Okay, make an animal out
of this or something, mate.
Whatever happens, I always
have to look after Angel.
Make sure she's going to school
and not getting fat
or anything.
And if, like, one day,
I do look down on her and she's
getting chunky or whatever,
then I'll just know what to do.
Oh, my God! You could
crack walnuts with those!
Right, that's it! You're done,
mate. Get out! Get out!
Sick! Get out!
You're finished.
It's was good, wasn't it,
like? He was actually, like,
a technically talented dancer.
I'd like him for
my birthday, Miche.
-I haven't been paid yet.
-I don't give a fuck, mate.
Sort it with Chabuds later.
It's a five-year-old's
birthday party. She'll be
scarred for life now.
It's all right.
He'll come back.
You want to open some presents?
That'd be fun, wouldn't it?
-Which one do you want first?
-That one?
I think that's from Daddy.
Maybe he should be here
when you open it.
Why is it...? Is it closed.
Oh, come on!
What's...? It's not moving.
-Oh!
-Some baby shampoo.
Baby shampoo from Steves.
Couldn't think what else
they really use, so...
Hello?
You're fucking joking me!
Oh, a doll's house!
Look at that! Ah!
I love it!
I mean, Angel loves it.
Thanks, Uncle Decoy.
What do you say?
-You don't like it?
-No, I don't like doll's houses.
Are you opening Daddy's one?
All right, I gotta call.
No fucking signal.
You got a phone on ya?
-You'd see it if I had it, mate.
-What about you lot?
I gotta tell them
to stop the party.
You've got a microphone
from Daddy!
Best present!
♪ It's Beats and Grindah ♪
♪ Here to catch a hyper ♪
[he joins in]
♪ It's Beats and Grindah ♪
♪ Here to get you hyper ♪
♪ It's Beats and Grindah
Here to get you hyper! ♪
Hello!
-Press that one.
-Shut up!
Conducting.
-Just pure conduction.
- ♪ Monday ♪
-♪ Is the day that we roll
- Tuesday ♪
It's going straight
to voicemail.
-Oh, you can tell.
-[applause]
Angel is a bit of a tomboy,
like, but she's also
got her girlie side.
Like, half of her is me,
like, girlie, nails, shopping.
And the other half of her
is a bit more, like, violent,
like stabbing stuff and,
like, breaking all her toys,
and, like, shouting at me
and that's more like
her Grindah side.
You got a screwdriver
or something? Completely
pointless, this whole thing.
Did you just fart?