People Just Do Nothing (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Secret Location - full transcript
♪ K to the U to the R
U to the P to the T ♪
♪ Kurupt family
This one wicked
and this one bad ♪
♪ This one going to your mum,
to your dad ♪
You know what I mean, it's,
like, you can spell things out.
You use your mouth
predominantly.
[director]
What are the hand things?
-Kurupt FM "K's", like.
-Just throw your "K's" up.
Kurupt FM, innit?
The rest are irrelevant, like.
-That's a slogan.
-Don't need to say
it's a slogan.
Just let them hear us
saying it all the time,
then they'll get it.
We used to say, "Kurupt FM,
like it or lump it," basically.
But then I came up with one that
rhymes, you know what I mean?
-Rolls off the tongue better.
-Aerodynamic.
[drum and bass plays]
What is Kurupt FM?
Simple, it's an urban
powerhouse slash radio station,
slash family unit.
The biggest and baddest pirate
radio station in the land.
Aka Kurupt, like, best believe!
108.9 on your dial, yeah?
The phone line is copping off
right now. We're going to 384,
Isleworth Mercy.
We transmit throughout
the whole of West London.
Obviously, once you get
to Shepherd's Bush,
it gets a bit white noisy,
but we've still a lot of fans
down the Bush, White City.
I reckon there's a lot of
people that drive closer
to the transmitter
-in the car and maybe
set up a recording.
-Bring a picnic.
-Just show around, innit?
-Yeah, show 'em round the manor.
You've got the blocks
there and that.
You see here, we've got
the garage, if you need Rizla
any time of day, boss!
My philosophy in life,
yeah, is just, like,
sort of, do whatever, basically.
It brings up a lot of problems,
money issues and that, but...
-Better that way, innit?
-Yeah.
[MC Gindah] Over there we've got
the world famous Crack D's.
[DJ Beats] Cracka Demus and
Pliers
[MC Grindah] Beautiful little
burgers, actually, they do
there, don't they?
[DJ Beats] And then, just up
here, you've got the station.
No, don't show them the...
No, it's not the station,
we're just...
You're not meant to know
where it all is and all that.
Maybe we shouldn't have taken
them on a tour of Brentford.
Just don't fucking... Shh!
It's, uh...
We're not actually... Just cos
we're going round Brentford,
doesn't mean the station's
in Brentford.
It's a little radio trick
we call throwing them off
the scent.
-We could be anywhere right now.
We could be in Brent Lea.
-Exactly.
-[director] Is this all illegal?
-Cos it's illegal, mate.
It's part of the beauty of it.
If you keep a secret location,
you don't have do
any moving around.
It's just like the dirty
Babylon, the filth,
do you know what I mean?
And the DTI that have to do
all the running about, like,
and never find us.
-Stop filming!
-They don't know
we're down here,
dropping the finest in UK
garage and drum and bass, like.
Fucking amateurs!
Come on, mate. Keep it down,
though. Hurry, Beats,
I need a piss.
Just hold it down though, yeah.
Literally, don't get the faces.
Here we are, boys! You can
take that off now, yeah?
So...it's all right there.
-Welcome to Kurupt FM!
-Welcome.
Mu casa su casa. Sorry about
all the hoods and all that.
It's just something you have
to do in pirate radio,
secret location and all that.
We even took the number
off the door, so we don't
even know what number it is.
-Come through, come through.
-Enter.
So this is the main
studio area, yeah?
Got the main hub, yeah? Keeps
everything going, this does.
Uh, you've got Steves
over there.
Did a little morning
clean-up and that.
Steves spruces up the studio for
us. We let him keep any zoot
ends or coins and that.
Steves. Steves, mate. Listen.
Clean your bedding, please,
mate, cos we've got
the BBC here.
Sorry.
Grindah's an MC.
I don't know to describe it.
♪ Upon the mic inside the arena
Bad boy, a bit of sensimilia ♪
♪ With the BBC crew
inside the...every ya! ♪
Ah, freestyle, as well, mate.
That is nuts!
Right, it's actually better
with the music, so let's talk
you through the equipment.
-So you've got the...
-Right, this is your amp here.
-Amp...
-Connected to the speakers.
Your transmitter here.
Be careful with that.
-Two mics.
-Never mind all that. Whack it
on, show him how it's done.
-[scratching vinyl]
-One, two! One, two!
Even better with the mic, innit?
Mental, like.
Right, let's go.
♪ Who's ready? Who's ready? ♪
♪ Who's ready? Who's ready?
Who's ready? Who's ready? ♪
♪ One, two, three, four, five
Once I caught a fish alive ♪
♪ One, two, three, four, five
Cos I came down with
the garage vibe ♪
♪ My side, their side and
you gotta side like inside ♪
♪ Get on the microphone
ready to ride! ♪
I've been with Grindah
for about six years now.
When we first got together,
we used to do romantic things,
like, he'd buy me clothes
and that, just...cos he
didn't like what I wore.
[director]
So how did you two meet?
It was actually really sweet.
Like, it was in a car park.
I was just walking along
and he shouted something
at me from a van.
And, yeah, it just all
went from there really.
[director] What was Miche
like when you first met her?
Uh, she was beautiful
when I first met her.
Mad to think, like.
But, yeah, I still like her
and that, so...
[director] Has he ever
been in trouble with the law?
He's been in trouble a few
times, but always silly
little things,
like dealing, GBH, hate crimes.
You know, silly little things
like that.
Nah, I think we've spent
enough now.
[MC Grindah raps]
-Grindah! Grindah! Grindah!
-What?!
-Someone's banging on the door.
-Is it? Turn everything off.
Turn it off, turn it off.
Shh! Steves, shut up.
[loud banging on door]
-Hello, mate.
-How many times have
I told you, bro?
-It's turning into a joke.
-I'm sorry, mate.
I've asked you nicely,
written letters, yeah?
-You lot are mugging me off now!
-We're not, mate, please. I...
-Just turn it down!
-I keep telling them. We've got
problems with the volume thing.
-Just turn it down.
-All right. I'm sorry.
That's what I'm trying
to say, though. Cos if it
was in the streets, yeah,
-it'd be a different story.
-It would be the end
of his story.
End of his story, that's right,
cos I'd be like, bang!
He's on the floor, like,
feeling dizzy, do you know what
I mean, at the time and that.
But the thing is, yeah,
when you do run an illegal
radio station, yeah,
you cannot run the risk
of DTI coming through, innit?
He's like, "I sent a letter."
Letter. Who's in charge of post?
-Uh?
-I just do recycling.
Me. I sometimes...
I just put them over
here, though, cos...
I didn't think people
would send us letters, cos
of the door number and that.
"To whom it may concern."
He hasn't even spelt "who"
right, for a start, like!
-Maa! "Your music's so loud."
-[bleating]
Maa! "I've got kids
that need to sleep.
And I need to get up early
for work." [laughs] Maa!
"If you don't keep it down,
I will be forced to involve
the council." Right! Maa!
"If...you...do...keep it,
then I'll be forced
to involve the council."
Call the council, man,
don't give a f...
No, we do give a fuck.
Don't put that...
No, cos the government
work for the council,
then we're gonna have
the government on our case.
-Oh, is it?
-Oh, for f... That's all
I need. That's all I need.
We cannot run the risk of
the government booting
our doors off, bruv.
-So what shall we do?
-What shall we do?
If you weren't the one
constantly turning it up, yeah,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
-So you sort it out! Yeah?
-Yeah.
I think when Grindah's at
the station he has to be tough,
cos he's in charge, but when
he's with me, he definitely
has a more like softer side.
These are some pictures of him
before he was famous.
This one's of him at a petting
zoo, holding a rabbit.
It's like they're doing
the same expression.
Actually, this one's a good one.
This was taken
when I was pregnant.
But, obviously, we've both
lost a bit of weight since then.
Grindah went on Slimfast.
The concept behind it
was that we were in heaven,
because that's what it felt
like at that time.
But the clouds aren't actually
there, that's just
camera trickery.
What if we gave
the neighbour a knock
and gave him some headphones
or earplugs or took requests?
-Requests?
-Yeah.
Right, you lot are a joke.
I've got to call Chabuds,
mate, sort this out.
-Yeah, call Chabuds.
-Chabsie!
My name's Chabuddy G, aka
Chabuds, aka the Rig Doctor,
aka the Mayor of Hounslow.
I'm not actually a doctor
or a mayor.
But I can get you
the certificates,
as part of a 36-month contract
that you will not be able
to get out of.
This is my internet café.
Come through, come through.
And here she is,
in all her wonder.
Chabuddy's Worldwide
Internet Cabin Café.
That's Abdi. Bloody regular!
So come through here.
I'll show you everything.
This is also my home,
which I share with
my lovely wife, Aldona!
Aldona, say hello, darling.
We've got a camera crew
here, look.
BBC and that, camera crew.
This is the bed where we do
our "sleeping", if you can
call it that, isn't it?
Actually, Aldona, can you
give us a minute? See that?
She walked out instantly.
Obedience, very sexy in a woman.
You see that?
It's a mirror. [laughs]
I like to watch!
Chabud? He's one of them
ultra-preneur characters, like.
He can, literally,
get you anything.
Not drugs though, cos
we get them from Decoy's uncle.
Can you...
Can we start that again?
Don't put that bit in.
[Chabuds] That's probably
90 degrees, I'd say.
I don't have to do all of it.
Just run it across there.
I'm just waiting for the echo.
It actually indicates
the densities.
Don't, don't, mate!
Just get down.
Don't bang on the wall, mate.
As I thought, uh, no echo.
So...
Do you want it
soundproofed today, boss?
We've got a set at 8:00pm,
yeah, so we need it done
before 8:00pm asap, innit?
-Yeah.
-Cos the last time
we missed a set,
-the London riots happened,
didn't it?
-Yeah. Well...
So it's not something you
really want on your mind,
is it, mate?
-I don't want that.
-It's quite heavy.
What we're going to have
to do, boss... This wall...
I'm going to have
to rip it down.
We're looking at a full
studio revamp here, boss.
Probably gonna cost you
about a grand, I'd say.
I don't like the sound of that.
Do not like the sound of that.
-Right, okay, if you wanted
the cheaper option...
-Which is?
Egg boxes.
[director] Have you ever
soundproofed anything before?
I... [laughs] I tell you what,
I was actually going to
soundproof this place up,
because sometimes me
and Aldona...
It's fucking loud, mate.
Screaming, crying.
No crying. Screaming. Um...
Let me do some equations.
So we've got the door there.
Obviously, carry that three.
So the decibel sound is 70dB...
Power to the eight, Betamax...
You're looking about 200 boxes,
I'd say.
What I'll do, I can do the
technical part. I'll do
the installation.
No problem. I'll need you
fellas to get me the actual
egg boxes themselves.
-Cos I need to get my tools.
-So we're like the muscles
of the operation?
-Yeah, yeah, course we can.
-Okay.
So, um, what we talking
for this then, Chabsie?
-We're just chatting, talking.
-I'm talking damage. What's the
collat, the collateral damage?
I assure you, they'll be
no damage. I will clean up.
-No, mate, listen.
How much is it gonna cost?
-Oh, okay.
I have this shipment, okay,
that I need to get rid of.
So how about, I help you with
the soundproofing material,
you help me by playing a new
advert for my product
on Kurupt FM?
-You tickle me, I'll tickle you.
-No, we don't do adverts on
here. Sorry, mate.
We're strictly about the music.
Tell us more money-wise, cash.
-50 big ones, I'd say.
-50?
Oof! We can squeeze
the advert in, can't we?
-You got it on cassette, yeah?
-Always.
No danger, no danger, yeah.
-It ain't nothing weird, yeah?
-No, no, not weird.
Dealy-oh! Sweet.
You know that bit of dust
at the end of peanuts, yeah?
Basically, that's the best part.
Everybody loves that bit, okay?
There was a manufacturing fault
where all the bags were filled
with nothing but peanut dust.
My uncle managed to get
3,000 boxes of it, yeah,
smuggled to the UK by smuggling
himself inside a bloody crate.
Mental! He got deported,
unfortunately,
but the boxes stayed with me.
I call it Peanut Dust.
[Miche] It's a bit like
doing Cribs, innit?
So this is the bedroom.
Like, this is where, like,
all the magic happens.
Got a hi-fi up there, so I can
lie in bed listening to Kurupt.
It kinda keeps me and Grinds
together, cos he works late
nights and that kind of thing.
So I can lie in bed and listen
to him and he'll feel like
we're together.
Got the view, as you can see.
There's Brentford out there.
It's amazing. When I'm
in here and it's night time,
look out and see the lights,
it's like being in Sex In The
City or something like that.
[Grindah] Right, get as many
egg boxes as you can, yeah?
Back here for seven o'clock.
No fucking around!
Steves, take them, mate.
You really need to wake up.
Basically, what you need to do
is get the car, spin it
round the back,
cos if you go round the front,
the council might be there.
Come on, quick as you can.
You gotta lay low, bruv.
I was gonna say, actually,
we could lie on the backseats
so they can't see us.
Good idea. I'll do that.
You walk, create a diversion.
-Yeah? Steves, come on!
-Steves.
-Come on, Steves!
-Doing my zip.
-Come on!
-Do I really have to walk?
See you boys in a bit.
I'm a born leader, yeah?
When I was in jail, I used to
make Beats have to ring me
before any decision was made.
[director]
Have you been to prison?
Yeah, course I've been
in prison. Banged out
a two stretch.
-A two stretch? Is that...?
-Two stretch, innit?
Ain't you seen films?
Two stretch!
It's two weeks, innit?
You usually find, like,
whatever you need in these bins.
I've found loads of stuff
in here before.
Straight away, free range.
It's nice, yeah.
Trick is to just keep
your brain happy.
Cos pills release positive
endolphins
that, basically,
means that you're
never getting any negative
side effects, like.
My brain thanks me, like.
It says, like, "Thank you!"
Like... And it's got
the same voice as me.
It's quite weird.
Yes!
Sick!
Double box. Brilliant!
Exactly what we need. Right,
I'm just going to take
these all out.
Then I can... Oh!
Fuck sakes! What I mean
about fucking eggs, like.
Fucking unpredictable.
All over my Classics, as well.
Right, okay.
Just going to make a little
wall of carrots to keep them in,
so they don't, like, roll off
the fridge and smash all
over the place.
-Hiya!
-Don't come in the kitchen!
Oh, that's a nice
welcome home, innit?
I'm doing work stuff.
What are you doing?
Look, Roche, I'm stressed
out at the moment.
I don't want to mix up
radio with pleasure.
-Business, pleasure don't mix.
-Oh, so this is your business,
is it?
Messing about smashing Craig's
eggs while this lot film you?
Kevin's been living with us
for a few months now.
Uh, I like having him around.
I did think it was going to be
more like having a man
in the house.
But it's not. It's more like
having another kid.
Shall I say to Craig
about the eggs?
I'm not going to. It's a
right nightmare when he hasn't
had his dippy eggs and soldiers.
Craig's quite mature
for his age.
Apart from the tantrums.
I don't know if you've heard.
He can really kick off.
Like proper tantrums.
-[director] What's it
like having a stepson?
-It's hard work.
Cos he's actually a human,
do you know what I mean?
He's got feelings and that.
It's not like...
"Whey, there's my son!" Like.
It's, like, I've got
to care about him.
And if he's upset, I'm fuming.
Here he is. Little Craig.
So he's my son, stepson.
Same smoky eyes though, innit?
Oh, yeah. The T-shirt as well.
"Bringing sexy back".
Likes a bit of Justin.
What's this, Craig?
What you playing?
Looks like GoldenEye
or something.
I'm more a Fifa '98 man myself.
Do you know what I mean?
One of the best games
ever made, I'd say.
Use the grenades!
Funny story, actually. Um...
I once had a lighter
shaped like a grenade.
Yeah. Back in the day, yeah.
I'll see if I can
fish it out for ya.
You might appreciate it.
You got any good lighters
at the minute or...?
Mm.
All right, Craig, mate.
I'll see you in a bit, yeah?
Double, bang!
A few little bits
in there still.
Oh!
Ah, fuck!
All my stuff's
fallen out of my pockets.
Skunk pocket's empty.
[siren wails in the distance]
-There's another one.
-That's what I mean.
It's cool, man. It's just
an ambulance, innit?
Well, they're gonna need an
ambulance if it all kicks off.
-Who's gonna need an ambulance?
-No one's gonna... Here she is!
Ah, my better half.
Not better, but...
-I don't know why people
say that, do you?
-Do you need an ambulance?
-You all right? What's wrong?
-I'm not ill. I'm fine.
Some little mugs are trying it,
do you know what I mean?
Have to go through me first,
so... She knows what I'm like.
Please don't get arrested again.
You know what happened
last time.
I couldn't watch any telly.
I didn't know how to use
it without you.
It was stuck on Dave the whole
time. I missed everything.
Okay, listen, right.
I'm not going anywhere, right?
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
I've got radio to think about.
Oh, and her! Angel, here she is.
Look, look at her. Aaah!
You can talk and everything.
I know what you're thinking,
actually.
She's a little bit darker
than I am, but that's because
my great-granddad on my mother's
side was a quarter Cypriot,
so we've all got a sort
of exotic twist, ain't we?
Yeah, yeah, and I used a lot
of fake tan when I was pregnant,
so I think it filtered through.
-Side effects.
-Yeah.
There she is.
-I'm just gonna go
and get some egg boxes.
-Yeah, cool.
Do that thing where you
blow Mummy's head off.
[Chabuds] Looking for
a really good adhesive.
Something really strong.
I think gaffer tape will
do the job, you know.
Probably go for that one.
This standard one. One times
48 mama. Oh, millimetres.
-[phone rings]
-Hold on.
Oh, the old wifey.
Hello, sweetie pie.
You missing me?
Huh? No, no, listen,
they can't be outside.
They can't be outside,
darling. No.
No, listen, they're going
to get wet, baby. Sweet heart!
Just a little emergency at home.
Should be fine, yeah.
Come on! Service! Come on!
You, tiny man child, serve me!
Double time, man!
Say hello to Uncle Bobby!
Do you reckon we've got
enough egg boxes?
-[whispers]
I think it's working.
-Is it?
-Should I say something, like?
-Yes, say something!
Say it into this square here,
yeah?
-Check, one, two, one, two.
-I heard that. Did you?
-Of course I heard it.
-Yeah, we definitely need more.
-How many we got so far?
-About eight.
And one of 'em's flattened.
Fuck's sake! We've got
an hour left as well, like.
Oh, no, no, no!
Not the Peanut Dust!
Aldona!
[they shout in Polish]
Stupid cow, man!
[phone rings]
Hello, man.
-Yeah.
-Hello, Chabsie.
-Yeah, just getting there, mate.
-Turn the telly down.
-Have you got any
extra egg boxes?
-We're getting there, mate.
We need more egg boxes.
Plus it's gonna take ages to
stick 'em on the walls, innit?
Yeah, you know what?
I've got some specialist
adhesive material for you, mate.
More egg boxes. Listen...
Just grab whatever you've
got and come down now.
There's no time, right?
[sound of tape sticking]
Fucking hell, that looks nuts.
-Is that soundproof, yeah?
-It's proper, mate.
Yeah, good. I'm just getting
an even distribution.
One, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two.
-Is this definitely gonna work?
-Yeah, that now, boss,
is fully soundproofed.
I went for the
triple-A approach.
With just a layer of insulation
dust in there as well.
Sweet! Let's hope it does work,
for all our sakes,
cos, if not, Blue Foot are
gonna be knocking the door
of the hinges, like,
and we'll all be fucked,
especially Beats when he's
got to hand himself in.
-What?!
-Well, one of us will have to.
-But you're the main one.
-Exactly, the main one
can't get caught.
This is me.
-It's all mine.
-[director] So how far
does Kurupt FM reach?
As far as the eye
can see, mate. Yeah?
Actually, no, not on that side.
Just mainly on this estate
and a little bit further.
Into Isleworth, but...
-Come on! Out the room.
-Ready?
Obviously, edit
all this bit out
and just get me bursting
in the room, like.
This is literally what
fucking radio is about.
Beats, run the riddim!
What? Run it now?
-When I say that, then do it!
-All right, cool.
Beats, run that!
[music plays]
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Someone's getting got ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Funky's getting shot ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Someone's getting got ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Funky's getting shot ♪
♪ Prick, Babylon, get out
the way! Funky, pussyhole
get out the way! ♪
♪ Babylon, get out the way!
Galatasary, get out the way! ♪
[radio] ♪ Cameraman,
get out the way!
Funky, get out the way! ♪
♪ Paedos, get out the way!
Spiders, get out the way! ♪
[director] Is Angel
allowed to listen?
Yeah, yeah, we listen
to it together.
-Don't we, Ange?
-Yes.
I let her stay up late
if it's one of daddy's sets.
But she doesn't really have
bedtime cos she can't read
the time yet.
But she seems to know when to go
to sleep, cos she just does it.
It's amazing.
Look at Chabuds.
He's loving it. Yeah! Yeah!
♪ I'm the best. Nothing's
gonna lyrically beat me down ♪
I was just saying, it's crazy
cos my bit's coming up.
Take it down, take it down.
Fuck it, just put his one on.
-Can I start with an intro?
-Just... No, let me...
All to all the crew inside,
yeah? We love each
and every one of you.
This is a little word
from MC Grindah,
with a little word from one
of our...not sponsor but, like,
-someone that helped us
and we owe them a favour.
-Shall I put it on?
[Chabuds] ♪ Peanut Dust!
Perfect for peckish ♪
♪ Peanut Dust!
Perfect for your wife ♪
♪ Peanut Dust!
Perfect for your daughters ♪
♪ Peanut Dust!
Even if you're in a rush ♪
Peanut Dust! Coming
in your family's mouth.
Peanut Dust may
contain nuts and glass.
All right...
Sorry about that.
There was, uh, crossed wires.
Some kind of sound waves
clashed over somewhere
from another punter there.
End of the day, like,
yeah, all that matters
is that we're reaching our
music out to the fans there.
Like, providing a service.
-Like priests.
-Well, not priests.
They do it once a week.
Kurupt FM is more like a
full-time religious experience.
[MC Grindah raps]
Cos garage music
is our god, like.
Well, I'd probably be
the god if anything.
If you're god,
does that make me Jesus?
-Yeah, if you want.
-Sick! I'll just be, like,
floating above, man,
just invisible.
Just making sure everything's
all right, feeding
them bare fish.
Feeding them garage, if
anything. And I'd be above that,
just above everyone,
even Jesus, just like, uh...
Thunder-bolting you,
going, "Obey my command
and play Wideboys next!"
♪ Monday is the
day that we roll ♪
-♪ Tuesday We take total control
-Wednesday ♪
-♪ Take back the track
-Thursday! ♪
-♪ Sit back, relax
-Friday! ♪
♪ Put down the M-I-C
and go raving... ♪
-[loud banging on the door]
-Fuck! Turn it down.
[loud banging on the door]
What the fuck!
He said it was all sorted.
-Go and answer the door.
-I can't. He knows you.
That's the problem. It's a trap!
Everyone squat down!
Get down!
-[loud banging on the door]
-I could turn out the lights.
-I don't want to go to jail.
-Nor do I, mate. Fucking hell!
-[loud banging on the door]
-Fuck's sake!
Fantasy, turn them off!
U to the P to the T ♪
♪ Kurupt family
This one wicked
and this one bad ♪
♪ This one going to your mum,
to your dad ♪
You know what I mean, it's,
like, you can spell things out.
You use your mouth
predominantly.
[director]
What are the hand things?
-Kurupt FM "K's", like.
-Just throw your "K's" up.
Kurupt FM, innit?
The rest are irrelevant, like.
-That's a slogan.
-Don't need to say
it's a slogan.
Just let them hear us
saying it all the time,
then they'll get it.
We used to say, "Kurupt FM,
like it or lump it," basically.
But then I came up with one that
rhymes, you know what I mean?
-Rolls off the tongue better.
-Aerodynamic.
[drum and bass plays]
What is Kurupt FM?
Simple, it's an urban
powerhouse slash radio station,
slash family unit.
The biggest and baddest pirate
radio station in the land.
Aka Kurupt, like, best believe!
108.9 on your dial, yeah?
The phone line is copping off
right now. We're going to 384,
Isleworth Mercy.
We transmit throughout
the whole of West London.
Obviously, once you get
to Shepherd's Bush,
it gets a bit white noisy,
but we've still a lot of fans
down the Bush, White City.
I reckon there's a lot of
people that drive closer
to the transmitter
-in the car and maybe
set up a recording.
-Bring a picnic.
-Just show around, innit?
-Yeah, show 'em round the manor.
You've got the blocks
there and that.
You see here, we've got
the garage, if you need Rizla
any time of day, boss!
My philosophy in life,
yeah, is just, like,
sort of, do whatever, basically.
It brings up a lot of problems,
money issues and that, but...
-Better that way, innit?
-Yeah.
[MC Gindah] Over there we've got
the world famous Crack D's.
[DJ Beats] Cracka Demus and
Pliers
[MC Grindah] Beautiful little
burgers, actually, they do
there, don't they?
[DJ Beats] And then, just up
here, you've got the station.
No, don't show them the...
No, it's not the station,
we're just...
You're not meant to know
where it all is and all that.
Maybe we shouldn't have taken
them on a tour of Brentford.
Just don't fucking... Shh!
It's, uh...
We're not actually... Just cos
we're going round Brentford,
doesn't mean the station's
in Brentford.
It's a little radio trick
we call throwing them off
the scent.
-We could be anywhere right now.
We could be in Brent Lea.
-Exactly.
-[director] Is this all illegal?
-Cos it's illegal, mate.
It's part of the beauty of it.
If you keep a secret location,
you don't have do
any moving around.
It's just like the dirty
Babylon, the filth,
do you know what I mean?
And the DTI that have to do
all the running about, like,
and never find us.
-Stop filming!
-They don't know
we're down here,
dropping the finest in UK
garage and drum and bass, like.
Fucking amateurs!
Come on, mate. Keep it down,
though. Hurry, Beats,
I need a piss.
Just hold it down though, yeah.
Literally, don't get the faces.
Here we are, boys! You can
take that off now, yeah?
So...it's all right there.
-Welcome to Kurupt FM!
-Welcome.
Mu casa su casa. Sorry about
all the hoods and all that.
It's just something you have
to do in pirate radio,
secret location and all that.
We even took the number
off the door, so we don't
even know what number it is.
-Come through, come through.
-Enter.
So this is the main
studio area, yeah?
Got the main hub, yeah? Keeps
everything going, this does.
Uh, you've got Steves
over there.
Did a little morning
clean-up and that.
Steves spruces up the studio for
us. We let him keep any zoot
ends or coins and that.
Steves. Steves, mate. Listen.
Clean your bedding, please,
mate, cos we've got
the BBC here.
Sorry.
Grindah's an MC.
I don't know to describe it.
♪ Upon the mic inside the arena
Bad boy, a bit of sensimilia ♪
♪ With the BBC crew
inside the...every ya! ♪
Ah, freestyle, as well, mate.
That is nuts!
Right, it's actually better
with the music, so let's talk
you through the equipment.
-So you've got the...
-Right, this is your amp here.
-Amp...
-Connected to the speakers.
Your transmitter here.
Be careful with that.
-Two mics.
-Never mind all that. Whack it
on, show him how it's done.
-[scratching vinyl]
-One, two! One, two!
Even better with the mic, innit?
Mental, like.
Right, let's go.
♪ Who's ready? Who's ready? ♪
♪ Who's ready? Who's ready?
Who's ready? Who's ready? ♪
♪ One, two, three, four, five
Once I caught a fish alive ♪
♪ One, two, three, four, five
Cos I came down with
the garage vibe ♪
♪ My side, their side and
you gotta side like inside ♪
♪ Get on the microphone
ready to ride! ♪
I've been with Grindah
for about six years now.
When we first got together,
we used to do romantic things,
like, he'd buy me clothes
and that, just...cos he
didn't like what I wore.
[director]
So how did you two meet?
It was actually really sweet.
Like, it was in a car park.
I was just walking along
and he shouted something
at me from a van.
And, yeah, it just all
went from there really.
[director] What was Miche
like when you first met her?
Uh, she was beautiful
when I first met her.
Mad to think, like.
But, yeah, I still like her
and that, so...
[director] Has he ever
been in trouble with the law?
He's been in trouble a few
times, but always silly
little things,
like dealing, GBH, hate crimes.
You know, silly little things
like that.
Nah, I think we've spent
enough now.
[MC Grindah raps]
-Grindah! Grindah! Grindah!
-What?!
-Someone's banging on the door.
-Is it? Turn everything off.
Turn it off, turn it off.
Shh! Steves, shut up.
[loud banging on door]
-Hello, mate.
-How many times have
I told you, bro?
-It's turning into a joke.
-I'm sorry, mate.
I've asked you nicely,
written letters, yeah?
-You lot are mugging me off now!
-We're not, mate, please. I...
-Just turn it down!
-I keep telling them. We've got
problems with the volume thing.
-Just turn it down.
-All right. I'm sorry.
That's what I'm trying
to say, though. Cos if it
was in the streets, yeah,
-it'd be a different story.
-It would be the end
of his story.
End of his story, that's right,
cos I'd be like, bang!
He's on the floor, like,
feeling dizzy, do you know what
I mean, at the time and that.
But the thing is, yeah,
when you do run an illegal
radio station, yeah,
you cannot run the risk
of DTI coming through, innit?
He's like, "I sent a letter."
Letter. Who's in charge of post?
-Uh?
-I just do recycling.
Me. I sometimes...
I just put them over
here, though, cos...
I didn't think people
would send us letters, cos
of the door number and that.
"To whom it may concern."
He hasn't even spelt "who"
right, for a start, like!
-Maa! "Your music's so loud."
-[bleating]
Maa! "I've got kids
that need to sleep.
And I need to get up early
for work." [laughs] Maa!
"If you don't keep it down,
I will be forced to involve
the council." Right! Maa!
"If...you...do...keep it,
then I'll be forced
to involve the council."
Call the council, man,
don't give a f...
No, we do give a fuck.
Don't put that...
No, cos the government
work for the council,
then we're gonna have
the government on our case.
-Oh, is it?
-Oh, for f... That's all
I need. That's all I need.
We cannot run the risk of
the government booting
our doors off, bruv.
-So what shall we do?
-What shall we do?
If you weren't the one
constantly turning it up, yeah,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
-So you sort it out! Yeah?
-Yeah.
I think when Grindah's at
the station he has to be tough,
cos he's in charge, but when
he's with me, he definitely
has a more like softer side.
These are some pictures of him
before he was famous.
This one's of him at a petting
zoo, holding a rabbit.
It's like they're doing
the same expression.
Actually, this one's a good one.
This was taken
when I was pregnant.
But, obviously, we've both
lost a bit of weight since then.
Grindah went on Slimfast.
The concept behind it
was that we were in heaven,
because that's what it felt
like at that time.
But the clouds aren't actually
there, that's just
camera trickery.
What if we gave
the neighbour a knock
and gave him some headphones
or earplugs or took requests?
-Requests?
-Yeah.
Right, you lot are a joke.
I've got to call Chabuds,
mate, sort this out.
-Yeah, call Chabuds.
-Chabsie!
My name's Chabuddy G, aka
Chabuds, aka the Rig Doctor,
aka the Mayor of Hounslow.
I'm not actually a doctor
or a mayor.
But I can get you
the certificates,
as part of a 36-month contract
that you will not be able
to get out of.
This is my internet café.
Come through, come through.
And here she is,
in all her wonder.
Chabuddy's Worldwide
Internet Cabin Café.
That's Abdi. Bloody regular!
So come through here.
I'll show you everything.
This is also my home,
which I share with
my lovely wife, Aldona!
Aldona, say hello, darling.
We've got a camera crew
here, look.
BBC and that, camera crew.
This is the bed where we do
our "sleeping", if you can
call it that, isn't it?
Actually, Aldona, can you
give us a minute? See that?
She walked out instantly.
Obedience, very sexy in a woman.
You see that?
It's a mirror. [laughs]
I like to watch!
Chabud? He's one of them
ultra-preneur characters, like.
He can, literally,
get you anything.
Not drugs though, cos
we get them from Decoy's uncle.
Can you...
Can we start that again?
Don't put that bit in.
[Chabuds] That's probably
90 degrees, I'd say.
I don't have to do all of it.
Just run it across there.
I'm just waiting for the echo.
It actually indicates
the densities.
Don't, don't, mate!
Just get down.
Don't bang on the wall, mate.
As I thought, uh, no echo.
So...
Do you want it
soundproofed today, boss?
We've got a set at 8:00pm,
yeah, so we need it done
before 8:00pm asap, innit?
-Yeah.
-Cos the last time
we missed a set,
-the London riots happened,
didn't it?
-Yeah. Well...
So it's not something you
really want on your mind,
is it, mate?
-I don't want that.
-It's quite heavy.
What we're going to have
to do, boss... This wall...
I'm going to have
to rip it down.
We're looking at a full
studio revamp here, boss.
Probably gonna cost you
about a grand, I'd say.
I don't like the sound of that.
Do not like the sound of that.
-Right, okay, if you wanted
the cheaper option...
-Which is?
Egg boxes.
[director] Have you ever
soundproofed anything before?
I... [laughs] I tell you what,
I was actually going to
soundproof this place up,
because sometimes me
and Aldona...
It's fucking loud, mate.
Screaming, crying.
No crying. Screaming. Um...
Let me do some equations.
So we've got the door there.
Obviously, carry that three.
So the decibel sound is 70dB...
Power to the eight, Betamax...
You're looking about 200 boxes,
I'd say.
What I'll do, I can do the
technical part. I'll do
the installation.
No problem. I'll need you
fellas to get me the actual
egg boxes themselves.
-Cos I need to get my tools.
-So we're like the muscles
of the operation?
-Yeah, yeah, course we can.
-Okay.
So, um, what we talking
for this then, Chabsie?
-We're just chatting, talking.
-I'm talking damage. What's the
collat, the collateral damage?
I assure you, they'll be
no damage. I will clean up.
-No, mate, listen.
How much is it gonna cost?
-Oh, okay.
I have this shipment, okay,
that I need to get rid of.
So how about, I help you with
the soundproofing material,
you help me by playing a new
advert for my product
on Kurupt FM?
-You tickle me, I'll tickle you.
-No, we don't do adverts on
here. Sorry, mate.
We're strictly about the music.
Tell us more money-wise, cash.
-50 big ones, I'd say.
-50?
Oof! We can squeeze
the advert in, can't we?
-You got it on cassette, yeah?
-Always.
No danger, no danger, yeah.
-It ain't nothing weird, yeah?
-No, no, not weird.
Dealy-oh! Sweet.
You know that bit of dust
at the end of peanuts, yeah?
Basically, that's the best part.
Everybody loves that bit, okay?
There was a manufacturing fault
where all the bags were filled
with nothing but peanut dust.
My uncle managed to get
3,000 boxes of it, yeah,
smuggled to the UK by smuggling
himself inside a bloody crate.
Mental! He got deported,
unfortunately,
but the boxes stayed with me.
I call it Peanut Dust.
[Miche] It's a bit like
doing Cribs, innit?
So this is the bedroom.
Like, this is where, like,
all the magic happens.
Got a hi-fi up there, so I can
lie in bed listening to Kurupt.
It kinda keeps me and Grinds
together, cos he works late
nights and that kind of thing.
So I can lie in bed and listen
to him and he'll feel like
we're together.
Got the view, as you can see.
There's Brentford out there.
It's amazing. When I'm
in here and it's night time,
look out and see the lights,
it's like being in Sex In The
City or something like that.
[Grindah] Right, get as many
egg boxes as you can, yeah?
Back here for seven o'clock.
No fucking around!
Steves, take them, mate.
You really need to wake up.
Basically, what you need to do
is get the car, spin it
round the back,
cos if you go round the front,
the council might be there.
Come on, quick as you can.
You gotta lay low, bruv.
I was gonna say, actually,
we could lie on the backseats
so they can't see us.
Good idea. I'll do that.
You walk, create a diversion.
-Yeah? Steves, come on!
-Steves.
-Come on, Steves!
-Doing my zip.
-Come on!
-Do I really have to walk?
See you boys in a bit.
I'm a born leader, yeah?
When I was in jail, I used to
make Beats have to ring me
before any decision was made.
[director]
Have you been to prison?
Yeah, course I've been
in prison. Banged out
a two stretch.
-A two stretch? Is that...?
-Two stretch, innit?
Ain't you seen films?
Two stretch!
It's two weeks, innit?
You usually find, like,
whatever you need in these bins.
I've found loads of stuff
in here before.
Straight away, free range.
It's nice, yeah.
Trick is to just keep
your brain happy.
Cos pills release positive
endolphins
that, basically,
means that you're
never getting any negative
side effects, like.
My brain thanks me, like.
It says, like, "Thank you!"
Like... And it's got
the same voice as me.
It's quite weird.
Yes!
Sick!
Double box. Brilliant!
Exactly what we need. Right,
I'm just going to take
these all out.
Then I can... Oh!
Fuck sakes! What I mean
about fucking eggs, like.
Fucking unpredictable.
All over my Classics, as well.
Right, okay.
Just going to make a little
wall of carrots to keep them in,
so they don't, like, roll off
the fridge and smash all
over the place.
-Hiya!
-Don't come in the kitchen!
Oh, that's a nice
welcome home, innit?
I'm doing work stuff.
What are you doing?
Look, Roche, I'm stressed
out at the moment.
I don't want to mix up
radio with pleasure.
-Business, pleasure don't mix.
-Oh, so this is your business,
is it?
Messing about smashing Craig's
eggs while this lot film you?
Kevin's been living with us
for a few months now.
Uh, I like having him around.
I did think it was going to be
more like having a man
in the house.
But it's not. It's more like
having another kid.
Shall I say to Craig
about the eggs?
I'm not going to. It's a
right nightmare when he hasn't
had his dippy eggs and soldiers.
Craig's quite mature
for his age.
Apart from the tantrums.
I don't know if you've heard.
He can really kick off.
Like proper tantrums.
-[director] What's it
like having a stepson?
-It's hard work.
Cos he's actually a human,
do you know what I mean?
He's got feelings and that.
It's not like...
"Whey, there's my son!" Like.
It's, like, I've got
to care about him.
And if he's upset, I'm fuming.
Here he is. Little Craig.
So he's my son, stepson.
Same smoky eyes though, innit?
Oh, yeah. The T-shirt as well.
"Bringing sexy back".
Likes a bit of Justin.
What's this, Craig?
What you playing?
Looks like GoldenEye
or something.
I'm more a Fifa '98 man myself.
Do you know what I mean?
One of the best games
ever made, I'd say.
Use the grenades!
Funny story, actually. Um...
I once had a lighter
shaped like a grenade.
Yeah. Back in the day, yeah.
I'll see if I can
fish it out for ya.
You might appreciate it.
You got any good lighters
at the minute or...?
Mm.
All right, Craig, mate.
I'll see you in a bit, yeah?
Double, bang!
A few little bits
in there still.
Oh!
Ah, fuck!
All my stuff's
fallen out of my pockets.
Skunk pocket's empty.
[siren wails in the distance]
-There's another one.
-That's what I mean.
It's cool, man. It's just
an ambulance, innit?
Well, they're gonna need an
ambulance if it all kicks off.
-Who's gonna need an ambulance?
-No one's gonna... Here she is!
Ah, my better half.
Not better, but...
-I don't know why people
say that, do you?
-Do you need an ambulance?
-You all right? What's wrong?
-I'm not ill. I'm fine.
Some little mugs are trying it,
do you know what I mean?
Have to go through me first,
so... She knows what I'm like.
Please don't get arrested again.
You know what happened
last time.
I couldn't watch any telly.
I didn't know how to use
it without you.
It was stuck on Dave the whole
time. I missed everything.
Okay, listen, right.
I'm not going anywhere, right?
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
I've got radio to think about.
Oh, and her! Angel, here she is.
Look, look at her. Aaah!
You can talk and everything.
I know what you're thinking,
actually.
She's a little bit darker
than I am, but that's because
my great-granddad on my mother's
side was a quarter Cypriot,
so we've all got a sort
of exotic twist, ain't we?
Yeah, yeah, and I used a lot
of fake tan when I was pregnant,
so I think it filtered through.
-Side effects.
-Yeah.
There she is.
-I'm just gonna go
and get some egg boxes.
-Yeah, cool.
Do that thing where you
blow Mummy's head off.
[Chabuds] Looking for
a really good adhesive.
Something really strong.
I think gaffer tape will
do the job, you know.
Probably go for that one.
This standard one. One times
48 mama. Oh, millimetres.
-[phone rings]
-Hold on.
Oh, the old wifey.
Hello, sweetie pie.
You missing me?
Huh? No, no, listen,
they can't be outside.
They can't be outside,
darling. No.
No, listen, they're going
to get wet, baby. Sweet heart!
Just a little emergency at home.
Should be fine, yeah.
Come on! Service! Come on!
You, tiny man child, serve me!
Double time, man!
Say hello to Uncle Bobby!
Do you reckon we've got
enough egg boxes?
-[whispers]
I think it's working.
-Is it?
-Should I say something, like?
-Yes, say something!
Say it into this square here,
yeah?
-Check, one, two, one, two.
-I heard that. Did you?
-Of course I heard it.
-Yeah, we definitely need more.
-How many we got so far?
-About eight.
And one of 'em's flattened.
Fuck's sake! We've got
an hour left as well, like.
Oh, no, no, no!
Not the Peanut Dust!
Aldona!
[they shout in Polish]
Stupid cow, man!
[phone rings]
Hello, man.
-Yeah.
-Hello, Chabsie.
-Yeah, just getting there, mate.
-Turn the telly down.
-Have you got any
extra egg boxes?
-We're getting there, mate.
We need more egg boxes.
Plus it's gonna take ages to
stick 'em on the walls, innit?
Yeah, you know what?
I've got some specialist
adhesive material for you, mate.
More egg boxes. Listen...
Just grab whatever you've
got and come down now.
There's no time, right?
[sound of tape sticking]
Fucking hell, that looks nuts.
-Is that soundproof, yeah?
-It's proper, mate.
Yeah, good. I'm just getting
an even distribution.
One, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two.
-Is this definitely gonna work?
-Yeah, that now, boss,
is fully soundproofed.
I went for the
triple-A approach.
With just a layer of insulation
dust in there as well.
Sweet! Let's hope it does work,
for all our sakes,
cos, if not, Blue Foot are
gonna be knocking the door
of the hinges, like,
and we'll all be fucked,
especially Beats when he's
got to hand himself in.
-What?!
-Well, one of us will have to.
-But you're the main one.
-Exactly, the main one
can't get caught.
This is me.
-It's all mine.
-[director] So how far
does Kurupt FM reach?
As far as the eye
can see, mate. Yeah?
Actually, no, not on that side.
Just mainly on this estate
and a little bit further.
Into Isleworth, but...
-Come on! Out the room.
-Ready?
Obviously, edit
all this bit out
and just get me bursting
in the room, like.
This is literally what
fucking radio is about.
Beats, run the riddim!
What? Run it now?
-When I say that, then do it!
-All right, cool.
Beats, run that!
[music plays]
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Someone's getting got ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Funky's getting shot ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Someone's getting got ♪
♪ Get out the way!
Get out the way!
Funky's getting shot ♪
♪ Prick, Babylon, get out
the way! Funky, pussyhole
get out the way! ♪
♪ Babylon, get out the way!
Galatasary, get out the way! ♪
[radio] ♪ Cameraman,
get out the way!
Funky, get out the way! ♪
♪ Paedos, get out the way!
Spiders, get out the way! ♪
[director] Is Angel
allowed to listen?
Yeah, yeah, we listen
to it together.
-Don't we, Ange?
-Yes.
I let her stay up late
if it's one of daddy's sets.
But she doesn't really have
bedtime cos she can't read
the time yet.
But she seems to know when to go
to sleep, cos she just does it.
It's amazing.
Look at Chabuds.
He's loving it. Yeah! Yeah!
♪ I'm the best. Nothing's
gonna lyrically beat me down ♪
I was just saying, it's crazy
cos my bit's coming up.
Take it down, take it down.
Fuck it, just put his one on.
-Can I start with an intro?
-Just... No, let me...
All to all the crew inside,
yeah? We love each
and every one of you.
This is a little word
from MC Grindah,
with a little word from one
of our...not sponsor but, like,
-someone that helped us
and we owe them a favour.
-Shall I put it on?
[Chabuds] ♪ Peanut Dust!
Perfect for peckish ♪
♪ Peanut Dust!
Perfect for your wife ♪
♪ Peanut Dust!
Perfect for your daughters ♪
♪ Peanut Dust!
Even if you're in a rush ♪
Peanut Dust! Coming
in your family's mouth.
Peanut Dust may
contain nuts and glass.
All right...
Sorry about that.
There was, uh, crossed wires.
Some kind of sound waves
clashed over somewhere
from another punter there.
End of the day, like,
yeah, all that matters
is that we're reaching our
music out to the fans there.
Like, providing a service.
-Like priests.
-Well, not priests.
They do it once a week.
Kurupt FM is more like a
full-time religious experience.
[MC Grindah raps]
Cos garage music
is our god, like.
Well, I'd probably be
the god if anything.
If you're god,
does that make me Jesus?
-Yeah, if you want.
-Sick! I'll just be, like,
floating above, man,
just invisible.
Just making sure everything's
all right, feeding
them bare fish.
Feeding them garage, if
anything. And I'd be above that,
just above everyone,
even Jesus, just like, uh...
Thunder-bolting you,
going, "Obey my command
and play Wideboys next!"
♪ Monday is the
day that we roll ♪
-♪ Tuesday We take total control
-Wednesday ♪
-♪ Take back the track
-Thursday! ♪
-♪ Sit back, relax
-Friday! ♪
♪ Put down the M-I-C
and go raving... ♪
-[loud banging on the door]
-Fuck! Turn it down.
[loud banging on the door]
What the fuck!
He said it was all sorted.
-Go and answer the door.
-I can't. He knows you.
That's the problem. It's a trap!
Everyone squat down!
Get down!
-[loud banging on the door]
-I could turn out the lights.
-I don't want to go to jail.
-Nor do I, mate. Fucking hell!
-[loud banging on the door]
-Fuck's sake!
Fantasy, turn them off!