Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Ron & Tammy: Part Two - full transcript

Ron?

Jack Cooper, from the controller's office.

Got a...got a second?

Sure, what can I do you for?

Frankly, this is
a little awkward.

We've received this letter
from a collection agency

about an outstanding debt

from the Pawnee Public Library.

It appears
you have an overdue book.

Oh, do I?

It's Not the Size of the Boat:



Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis.

Tammy.

My ex-wife Tammy
likes to check in

every so often and make sure

I'm doing okay.

And if I am, she tries
to [bleep] everything up.

Okay, I pre-dialed 911,
so all you have to do

is press send.

You're worrying over nothing.

If she binds your hands
and you can't reach your phone,

just try to chew yourself free.

Whale tale.
Whale tale.

She's flashing a whale tale.
Abort. Abort.

Hello, Tammy.



Oh.
Hello, Ron.

I didn't see you come in.

I was just checking myself
for scoliosis.

- And?
- Straight as an arrow.

Just like somebody else I know.

Jerky?

Call off the dogs.

You and I both know

that in my entire adult life,

I have never checked
a book out of the library.

Oh, my God, she's amazing.

Ooh...
Mmm.

I admit there was a time
when that sort of behavior

would've driven me wild.

But I am in a healthy
relationship now, Tammy.

A relationship?
With whom?

A lovely, intelligent,
self-possessed

pediatric surgeon named Wendy.

Sounds like a real whore.

Clear the late charges
and cut the crap.

Good day.

Good day, Leslie.

Good... good day.

Okay, so we're ordering them

a total of 30 pizzas
so let's talk toppings.

Sausage, onion, and peppers.

Scientifically proven
to be the best toppings.

Nice.

Should we throw in some salads

for a healthy option?

Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.

Yeah, Ben, these guys
are cops, not ballerinas.

So we are throwing
a little shindig

for the police department
because we're asking them

to volunteer as security
during the harvest festival.

I don't know what it is
about big outdoor gatherings

that makes everyone
want to urinate

all over everything, but it does.

And they do.

Okay, how about some calzones?

Calzones are like pizzas
but they're harder to eat.

They're dumb
and so was that idea.

- Seriously?
- This is embarrassing for you.

Sorry to interrupt.
Ron, you ready?

Absolutely, my dear.

I am off to have
a mid-morning pre-lunch

with my lady friend,

but I will be back
in time for lunch.

All right.

Oh, Ron's girlfriend's pretty.

Tom's ex-wife.

Oh.

I don't want to
see them together.

It's like they're
rubbing it in my face.

So all I can think about
is Captain Mustache

plowing my ex-wife.

And you imagine
he's wearing a cape

while he's plowing her?

What?

No, just, Captain Mustache?

I mean, if all you can think of
is Ron, you know......

Maybe put him in some tights
and a cape

and then... and then
it would be funny.

Now, I'm imagining a cape.

April?

Did you call me?

I did call you.
Good ears.

Chris's assistant
went back to Indianapolis,

so he's borrowing me
for a few days.

Yay.

I'd like you to get me
some more post-its.

I'd like them in multiple colors.

I'd like green.
I'd like yellow.

Do not buy orange.

I do not want orange.
I have plenty of orange.

Got it.

You want five million
orange post-its.

That's hilarious.

Oh, wait!
I have a post-it for you.

- It says, "great job."
- Mmm.

- Great job!
- Mmm.

There you go.

They're getting really old
and I'm an only child.

I just feel like
the right thing to do

is to move back home.

I'm sorry to see you go.

I've really come to think
of you as...

A companion.

Hey, I don't suppose
you'd want to move to Canada?

Canada.

No, I don't suppose I would.

Hey, I hate to nag,

but shouldn't
we be talking strategy,

like, when to ask the chief
for this huge critical favor?

Yes. I know exactly
when we should do it.

Post pizza, pre ice cream,

between his third
and fourth beer.

He'll be full but not stuffed,
tipsy but not drunk.

Should be around 9:00.

Okay, so you've
thought this through.

Just sit tight.
I'll get you a beer.

Can I have two beers please?

Hey, you okay?

Wendy and I are over.

She's moving back to Canada.

It's too bad.

I just taught her how to whittle.

She made me this
tiny sharpened stick.

Look, I'm gonna tell you
what I tell all my girlfriends

when they get dumped.

Men are dogs.

Thank you, Leslie.

That does not apply
to this situation at all.

But thank you.
I appreciate it.

This is a disaster.

You're not into football?

I knew there was something
wrong with you.

I knew it.
I knew it, knew it, knew it.

Honestly, I haven't felt
this good in years.

And it's not just because
of the supplements

he has me taking
and the soluble fiber

and the increase in regularity.

It's him.

He's, uh, moving back
to Indianapolis

in a couple of weeks,
which sucks.

But if he asked me
to move with him,

I think I would.

I would like a local beer.

I'd like it in a bottle.

I'd like the bottle to be cold.

I would like
a glass of white wine.

I would like it to be chardonnay.

And I would like that
with one ice cube.

Thanks.

- Chief Trumple?
- Hey, Knope.

You know Ben Wyatt
from the State Budget Office.

- Yeah, how's it going?
- Hello.

Thanks for the party.
Good pizza.

Great. So, yeah, the pizza's
dynamite, isn't it?

I just said it was good pizza.

It's good.
Pizza's good.

You, uh, you know what I like?

Calzones.

What the hell
is wrong with this guy?

It's all right.
We'll check in with you later.

- Take it easy.
- Yeah, will do.

What is wrong with you?

I was getting somewhere
with that.

Yeah, great small talk
over there.

Okay, let me handle this.

I get a little nervous with cops.

- I'm in control.
- What's up?

Tom Haverford's in the building.

Whoo!

Tom, what the hell are you doing?

Same thing you're doing,
celebrating Pawnee's finest.

I believe you know
my date, Tammy Swanson.

Hiya, Ron.

- Oh. Hiya, Ron.
- Hey, Ron.

I'm sorry.

Is seeing your ex-wife
on my arm

making you uncomfortable?

Gee, I can't imagine why.
Or can I?

Ooh, I like this song.
Do you wanna dance, Tammy?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Ooh. Uh.

I know Tammy seems scary.

But really, she's just
a manipulative, psychotic,

library-book-pedaling,
sex-crazed she-demon.

- I think that's enough.
- Tammy.

Uh. Oh, hi, Ron.

I was just tasting
my new boyfriend, Glenn.

Tom.

You don't know
what you're mixed up in, son.

This isn't about you.
It's about me.

Typical Ron Swanson.
Always thinking about yourself.

- Maybe we like each other.
- Yeah, maybe we do.

Ah-eey! Okay.

Let's take it easy.

Tammy, leave him out of this.

Oh, so it's okay for you
to have a girlfriend,

but I'm not supposed
to see anybody?

Damn it, woman.

Just crawl back in to
the dank hole you came from

and leave my friends alone.

Oh! Okay, okay.
Let's settle down.

What seems to be the problem?

- What seems to be the problem?
- Is there a problem here?

Basically what we had here was
a dispute of a domestic nature.

- White male, 40, 45.
- Caucasian male.

- Stocky build.
- Approximately 5'10".

Verbal altercation transpired
at approximately 8:55 P.M.

with a female unsub.

Appears to be slightly
intoxicated.

Claims to be an ex-spouse.

Real piece of work.

- Real piece of work.
- Real piece of work.

Real piece of work.

I know why you're doing this,

and you're making a huge mistake.

Fight fire with fire, Leslie.

He dates my ex, I date his.

Ron and Wendy aren't
even dating anymore.

She's moving back to Canada.

- What?
- Uh-oh. Oh, God.

Okay, hey.
What's happening here?

Ron and I are going
to get a cup of coffee

and talk things out.

It's time for Tammy and me

to bury the hatchet
once and for all.

Everything will be fine.

It's been like this for hours.

Right there.
Right there.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Hey, Swanson!

Snap out of it!

Leslie.

Congratulate us.

Ron's got one
just like it on his penis.

Oh, yeah.

What the hell happened to you?

Well...

Thank you.

Rock and roll!
Yeah, baby!

- I got it!
- Uh!

You may now kiss the bride.

♪ ♪

It's been kind of a crazy night.

Come back, come back.

April, could you
come in here a second?

April, way to come in.
Great initiative.

You called me in.

Listen, could you please
call Ann Perkins

and tell her that I will be
unable to enjoy lunch

with her today,
as I am just swamped.

All day.

Copy that.

Hi, Ann.
This is April.

I'm just calling to let you know

that Chris can't
make lunch today.

I knew you wouldn't care.
Good-bye.

They started having sex
at the court house.

We had no choice.

Oh, well,
I completely understand.

Chief, I need to ask you
a huge favor.

Leslie.

Ron is a good man

who just got caught up
in something terrible.

And I was hoping that maybe
you would

reduce his charges and
release him into my custody.

All right.

But keep him away
from that crazy librarian.

I'll do my best.

In fact, I don't want him

within 500 feet of the library.

That's good advice for all of us.

Nothing but trouble there.

- Thanks a lot, bro.
- Hey, stop.

Sorry.

Take me back to Tammy.

For the millionth time, no.

That was not the favor
we needed to ask for, Leslie.

If we don't get the police
for the harvest festival,

there is no harvest festival.

I know.
I'll figure it out later.

Can you turn the radio off.
This is our song.

Your song is
Dancing on the Ceiling

by Lionel Ritchie?

Oh, wow, look at that.

You shaved off
part of your mustache.

That's lovely.

I didn't shave it off.
It rubbed off...

From friction.

Uhh!

Uhhh!

Uhh!

Ron Swanson,
this is an intervention.

You have been spending
the last 24 hours

sipping on joy juice
and tripping on Tammy.

Well, the people in this room
are your methadone.

And we're here to get you clean.

Congratulations.

Holy matrimony,
there's the man of the hour.

Jerry, what is this?

That is the set of tumblers

that I got from the registry.

This is an intervention.

I thought you said on the phone

it was a reception.

Okay.
All right, let's begin.

I would like to address
the goofy-looking,

dirty-kimono-wearing,
corn-rowed clown in the room.

If you see Ron Swanson,
can you give him this message?

You used to be a man.

You need to get
your house in order.

Look, I love you like a brother

but right now, I hate you

like my actual brother,
Levondrious,

who I hate.

Okay, Tom.

Ron, you look great.

Your skin is glowing.
I've never seen you so happy.

Okay, sit down.

Andy.

Ron, I do not really understand

what is going on right now.

But no matter what,

you must keep going.

No.

You must stop.

I love you, buddy.

Follow your dreams.

Powerful stuff.

April?
What are you doing here?

I work for your boyfriend.
What are you doing here?

I came to see why Chris
stood me up for lunch,

but I think I just
figured it out.

Because he doesn't like you.

No, I'm pretty sure
that's not it.

Actually it's because
I didn't call you deliberately.

Which, if you ask me,
is a fireable offense.

So I would tell him that.

Also, he's not into you sexually.

- Mmm.
- Ann Perkins.

April Ludgate.

Literally two of
my favorite people on earth.

I'm sorry that I had
to cancel lunch.

Not at all.
It's not a problem.

April here was very
apologetic on the phone.

She also sent me flowers.

April.
Nice touch.

Hello, Ron.
It's Ron.

If you're watching this,
it means that once again

you have danced with the devil.

Right now,
you're probably thinking

Tammy's changed.

We'll be happy together.

But you're only thinking that

because she's
a monstrous parasite

who entered through your privates

and lodged herself in your brain.

So you have two choices...

One, get rid of Tammy,

or two, lobotomy and castration.

Choose wisely.

You stupid.

This is a waste of time.

You people have no idea
what you're talking about.

That was you on the tape.
That was you talking.

Ron? Ron!

Ron.
Oh, there you are.

Ah!

Ron. Stop it.
God, please.

- Ron, don't do that.
- Oh, it's done, Leslie.

Tammy and I are in love,

and we're gonna start a family
together.

In fact, she's ovulating.

So if you'll excuse us,

we're heading off
on our honeymoon.

- Wow. Where are you going?
- Jerry.

We're gonna spend 11 days
in my cabin in the woods.

We bought 10 cases of Gatorade

and a 40-pound bag
of peanuts for energy.

- Oh, God.
- Give me it.

All right, okay.
Excuse me.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.

Ann and I are headed out

and I just wanted to thank you

for everything today,
and I will see you tomorrow.

Hi, Chris.

Uh, Ron Swanson has sent me over

to deliver to you this document.

"To whom it may concern,
dear Chris,

"there is an emergency regarding
the Parks Department,

"and April may just be
the only person who can help.

"I can't get into details
because it's super-classified.

"Please release April
back to us permanently.

"God bless America.

Love, Bert Macklin, FBI."

What?

Okay. Well, bye.

April, listen.

If you don't want to work for me,

I'm not gonna force you.

You didn't have to do this.

She didn't do that.
That... that was...

Dude, I think it sounds
like it was Macklin's call.

Look, I get it.

You're young,
and trying isn't cool.

But I think you're smart.

I'm gonna be going back
to Indianapolis soon,

and I think you should
come work for me.

Wow, move all the way
to Indianapolis,

so I can pick up your
vitamins and supplements.

Everybody starts somewhere.

You'll travel,

and you will meet
interesting people.

Think about it.

Okay. I will.

Apparently he wants April

to move to Indianapolis with him.

So that's something.

I hope you're happy.

Look, I just wanted to
show him what it felt like

to have your ex-wife
date someone you know.

Whatever happened after that
is not my fault.

Yes, it is.

Tom, you did
a really crappy thing,

and I think deep down,
you know that.

Whatever happens
to Ron Swanson is on you.

Excuse me, chief.
Sorry to interrupt.

Hey, calzone boy, what's up?

Well, here's hoping that
that nickname doesn't stick.

Right?

But that's not why I'm here.

Uh, Leslie Knope asked you
for a favor the other day,

but the real favor we need
is much bigger.

You mean,
like calzone-sized?

Ah! Sure.

We need the Pawnee police force

to volunteer as security

during the upcoming
harvest festival.

Now, the city won't let us
throw the festival unless...

Say no more.

Just send me a schedule of how
many officers you need and when.

Really?
Just like that?

Leslie Knope gets
as many favors as she needs.

Can I ask why?

Because she's
the kind of a person

who uses favors
to help other people.

And also, my buddy Dave

was the crankiest bastard
in the department

till he started dating Leslie.

Huh. So she...
Okay.

Are they still dating or...?

No. Moved to San Diego
a year ago.

Oh.

Was it a serious thing, or...?

What do you care?
You a pervert?

Nope, nope.
I'm all good.

Um, everything's fine.

This is fine.

Don't think I won't do it.

I'll wear this to work.

All right, we got a little one.

Ooh, what's in here, huh?

A new library card?

Read the name.

"Tammy Swanson Swanson."

You guys, that's amazing.

Well, you about ready
to go, my love?

- Yeah.
- Wait, Ron!

Stop!

Jerry, what the hell?

Don't do it.
She doesn't love you.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

What are you doing here?

Yes, I do, okay?

When I asked her to be my date,

she cackled for a full minute

and said, and I quote,

"anything to make Ron
miserable."

It's not real, man.

She's just messing with you.

He's lying, Ron.
Stay out of this, Glenn.

It's Tom.
And I'm not lying.

I'm not gonna let you
destroy Ron.

You're just gonna
have to... Ow!

Ow! Aah!

Oh!
He's attacking me, Ron!

Kill him!

Yeah!
Do your worst, Glenn!

You're gonna have to do
better than that.

- Aaaah!
- Aah!

Why are you
hitting yourself, Glenn?

Stop hitting yourself.

Tammy, that's enough!

What?

Hey, baby.

You almost had me.

Again.

But seeing you pick
on this pathetic,

defenseless little man...

Hey.

Reminded me what kind
of a monster you are.

You're a joke.

You're not even a man anymore.

Oh, and by the way, last night,

I faked four out of the seven.

Hmm. So did I.

Let's go, son.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry about the whole mess.

The crisis has been averted,

so let's go talk to the chief.

Oh, I already talked to him.

They'll give us the hours
we need, no problem.

- Great. What a relief.
- Yeah.

Hey, are you hungry?
I haven't eaten.

You know, yeah.

There's a really great
calzone place

over in Idiotville.

- Oh, really?
- Down on Terrible Idea Avenue.

Okay. That's weird.

'Cause I thought it was on
beating-a-dead-horse boulevard.

Calzones are pointless.

They're just pizza
that's harder to eat.

No one likes them.

Good day, sir.

Leslie, I...
you know, I...

I'm just kidding.
Let's go.

Oh.

Okay. That was funny.

High and tight.

Do you think
it's gonna leave a scar?

Tom, women like scars.

Shows you survived an attack,

and they'll assume
the attack was from a man.

Sorry, Ron, about everything.

Ah.

To true love.

May we both find it.

I'll drink to that.

Nice glasses.

Wedding present from Jerry.

You're not gonna return them?

Nah.
Too much hassle.