Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - Media Blitz - full transcript

I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster.
An old Underwood 5 with original carriage return.
Took her home, polished her up and bought a brand new ribbon
off of electronicbay. com.
Okay, somebody has got to do something.
I'm getting a cluster headache.
He's leaving.
Let's go.
I've got to throw it away.
No, I'm not. It weighs a billion tons.
What is he typing, anyway?
"If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you."
I'm going to type every word I know!
Rectangle. America.
Megaphone. Monday.
Butthole.
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings,
but these interviews are more important than we thought.
Harvest Fest is two weeks away,
and awareness is still pretty low.
- Boy, 35%? - It's actually 34.2%.
"34.2%." I'm Ben, the numbers robot.
It's just an exact calculation.
- "It's just an exact calculation." - All right.
So, we're doing a huge media blitz to publicize the Harvest Festival,
and we've got TV, newspaper, radio...
And I even called Oprah.
Well, I tried to call Oprah. I couldn't get her number.
I'm putting it out there, like The Secret.
And hopefully, she'll call me.
Our first interview is at 93.7 F.M. with Crazy Ira and The Douche.
- Crazy Ira and... - The Douche.
They are Pawnee's most hilarious drive time radio guys.
So much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya. Am I right?
They're seriously so funny.
Is this right?
This feels almost perfect,
but I don't think your core has maximized elasticity.
Okay, um, I'll come back if you guys are being weird.
No, no, no, no!
You're exactly the person that I most want to talk to, right at this moment.
- And lunge. - Oh.
Have you given my offer any more thought?
What exactly would happen if I said yes?
Well, you would work at the state house.
You would coordinate my professional and personal schedule,
and we would give you a small relocation fee for your move to Indianapolis.
That sounds boring.
But I have nothing keeping me here.
- Do you have Internet in your office? - Yes.
Fine, I'll do it.
That is literally the best news that I've heard all day.
Unlike April, I still do not know
what my future holds with Chris.
And it's starting to bum me out.
I need some more vitamin D. Yeah.
Hey. Crazy. What was that meeting about?
It turns out Chris is my real dad.
I think you're lying.
I think I know what that meeting was about.
You can't go to Indianapolis.
There's got to be something that I can do
to convince you how much I care about you.
Tell me your least favorite things you have to do every day,
and I'll do them for a month. - Fine.
If you do everything I hate for a month,
then I might begin to think about the possibility
of thinking about maybe staying.
That's all I have to hear.
You won't live to regret this.
Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann,
then I'm not going to change my mind.
But if he wants to take my dumb sister to her dumb dance class,
then I'm not going to dumb stop him.
Crazy Ira and The Douche, 93.7.
You know why I'd never be an astronaut?
Two words. Space farts.
You can't roll down the window of the shuttle. Am I right, folks?
Houston, we have a...
What do you think about that, Neil Armstrong?
That's one small for man,
one giant for mankind.
All right. Switching gears here now.
We've got Leslie Knope and Tom "Haverfart" and Ben Wyatt.
And they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event
called the Harvest Festival.
Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition,
and it's where fun meets awesome.
Meets agriculture.
And it is going to be next month, right here in Pawnee.
And spoiler alert, it's going to have the best corn maze ever.
You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you, Douche?
That's right. To your mom.
Crazy Ira! Clean your room!
- There's also going to be hay rides. - "Hey, ride me,"
is what Crazy Ira's mom said.
Stop it!
China Joe, you are a poet.
My bird is missing. I need a permit to post signs.
Let me just look for that form.
There's no time! He can fly!
Nine things April hates to do.
Number one, run the permits desk for an hour.
That's no problem.
I eat "running the permits desk for an hour" for breakfast.
Ow. That's... Ow.
- Henry. Stop it. - Great. Ow.
Okay, Henry. Cute kid.
Andy.
- Got a sec? - Yeah.
Henry.
Why are you working the permits desk,
and why was that child clubbing your nuggets?
I'm trying to stop April from taking a job with Chris,
so I'm doing everything she hates doing for the next month.
That's going to work?
She said it might.
But it's all I've got, man.
Give me the list. I'll help you.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
You got it.
No, I don't care about their relationship.
I just don't want to lose April.
I would never be able to find a worse assistant.
Okay. Thanks, Leslie.
But you know, what we really want to do today
is have a chat with Ben Wyatt, here.
- Come on, Ben. - Come on, Ben.
I'm more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy.
Well, it's either come with us or get in the spank chair.
So, maybe it's time for an interview. Come on, everybody, give him a hand.
- Come on! - Come on over, Ben. Yeah.
So, this guy, Ben Wyatt... We're looking him up on AltaVista.
He's from some hick town, Partridge, Minnesota.
And when he's 18, he's elected mayor.
That's funny. That's funny.
Yeah, he's 18, becomes the mayor,
and then blows the whole budget on an ice skating rink.
- City goes bankrupt. - Joke!
Get out of there!
- What did you call it again, bro? - What was it called?
Say it.
Ice Town.
I was a kid. And when you...
You end up getting out there and there's a...
I really wish you guys could see this guy right now.
He is drenched in sweat.
There's also going to be ponies at the Harvest Festival.
All right. Let's take a caller from Douche Nation.
All right. Talk to me, caller.
What's up, guys? Just douching over here in Eagleton.
Sweet.
Seems like 18 is pretty young for a mayor.
What were you, like, 12?
The funny... When...
I guess...
The fortunate...
Can we just, sort of...
Game over, man. Game over.
Nice job, man. Was that your first time talking to other people?
Because it came off that way.
You embarrassed me in front of The Douche.
I'm sorry, you guys. I just...
I haven't had to deal with that mayor stuff for 17 years.
I guess I'm not totally over it.
No worries. Look, it was just a bump in the road.
- Okay. - Fortunately, the Leslie-mobile
is an all-terrain vehicle.
So, everything involving Ben is fine.
I just need to talk to you in private about something different
that is not Ben-related.
Ben, good job.
Your boy's a nightmare.
I know, but we need him.
If they ask us about the budget, he's our numbers guy.
Well, we should just slap a pair of Ray-Bans on a calculator,
because that would be way more charming.
I'll do the newspaper interview. You and Ben do Channel Four.
Perd Hapley is a big softie. It'll be a puff piece.
He can do it.
So, how are you liking Pawnee?
There are a lot of cars.
I mean, not too many.
Trucks and stuff. But, you know...
- Cool. Good talk, Ice Town. - Okay.
Wow. Who knew that watercress, garbanzo beans and walnuts
could complement each other so well?
Good dressing, too, right?
Flaxseed and agave. Same basic ingredients as bird feed.
I'm just going to come right out and say it.
I want to define your bagua.
Okay. What's that?
It's a feng shui term.
The energy in this house is a little stale.
But I think I can redefine your flow in a very positive way.
Great. I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged.
Or the stuff itself.
Or this house, even, really.
Great, let's do it.
Am I not being obvious enough?
I feel like I'm being obvious.
This just in. Harvest Festival more like "Harvest Bestival."
The Parks Department has planted the seeds,
and now, they're harvesting the rewards.
Great. You done?
They'll put the fun in funnel cake. Okay. Now, I'm done.
- Tell me about Ben Wyatt. - Sure.
He works for the state government,
and he's been coming to advise us about our budget.
Come on, Leslie. The Douche blew this story wide open.
Ben Wyatt bankrupts a town and then comes to Pawnee
to tell us how to spend our money?
There's no story here, Shauna.
He's just a dedicated civil servant who is doing whatever he can
to make sure that this is the best Harvest Festival ever.
And he's easy on the eyes, too.
What exactly is the nature of your relationship with him?
Strictly professional. Just friends.
So, are you colleagues or are you friends?
We are colleagues with benefits.
We're colleagues who benefit from the fact that we're also friends.
I'm sorry, Shauna. I think I need to go.
But, thank you so much,
and as always, everything I said is off the record.
Okay? Bye.
What's the next task?
We have to write her grandmother
a thank you note for a birthday check.
It has to be really good, too, because it's five months late.
Never written a thank you note before. This will be fun.
What does she call her?
Gamma. No. Nanna.
Or Nana. Gizmo. Something like that.
This is for your Gizmo. I think you'll find it's pretty good.
"Dear April's grandmother..." I said grandfather.
Oops. Okay.
"You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man.
"I hope someday, I can become half the woman you are."
He's a man.
"Thank you for the $500." It was $5.
"Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf.
Okay. Do you want me to make those changes, or is it good?
Before we do this next interview,
there's a little secret I want to let you in on.
It's called the "Haverford Schmooze."
Look, I was just caught off guard. I'm fine.
Three easy steps.
Smile, friendly physical contact and flattery.
"Hey, Perd. Was your dad RoboCop? Because your arms are guns."
RoboCop didn't have guns for arms.
Oh, my God. That's so not the point, you nerd.
Just saying.
Why are we at a mall?
We're getting you a new suit.
I've let this go on long enough.
- I like this suit. - You shouldn't,
because it looks like garbage.
Your suit looks more like garbage.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage.
Okay. This next thing is a photography class assignment.
Can you figure that out?
"Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy."
- Melancholy. - Easy.
Boom. A sad desk.
Boom. Sad wall.
- It's art. Anything is anything. - Oh. Right on.
I'm going to go drop this off and pick up the mail.
Sad floor.
It does look sad, kind of.
Sorry for stepping on you, floor.
Hey. You got Andy doing all your work for you?
Yes, but he said he wanted to do it.
I'm only doing it because I'm getting him back...
Yeah, I don't care. I got something to add to your list.
Yup. There we go.
That's the stuff.
April really does this every day?
Yes. Work the heel.
Andy, can I be next?
Yeah.
I have got a corn so big you could slap butter on it.
Welcome to Ya' Heard? With Perd.
I'm Perd Hapley.
The story of our guests today is that
they are from the Department of Parks and Recreation.
Ben Wyatt and Tom Haverford.
What up, Perd? Big fan.
Me, too, Perd. What up?
The thing about this first question is,
I'd like to ask you about the Harvest Festival.
Perd, it's going to be amazing. Carnival rides, games...
Sweetums is even building a plus-sized roller coaster
for some of Pawnee's obese thrill-seekers.
You must be this wide to ride.
Wow. That's going to be a pretty big roller coaster.
Yup.
Hey, guys. How did it go?
Well, there were some sticky moments.
Let's go to the videotape.
Look. Who hasn't had gay thoughts?
- Who? - Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
I mean, you know, sometimes, I feel like I might need glasses.
Is there a bird in here?
I swear, I keep seeing a bird in this studio.
. Maybe that's all there is to it. . How did this happen?
He was fine until Perd started asking him about the "boy mayor" stuff.
What's wrong with you? You look psychotic.
I was 18 when I was elected mayor. Okay? So, excuse me for that.
Cindy Eckert had just turned me down for senior prom.
Do you know how that... I should call her. I should.
No, I shouldn't. And I'm not going to.
And I'm proud of myself for that.
And then, he talked about feeling up Cindy Eckert for the first time
for about five minutes.
And then, the show ended.
As did our careers and, probably, Harvest Fest.
Boom. Sadness. That's the one.
Natalie! Hey. It's me, Andy.
You're an hour and a half late.
I know. I know. I had to massage a ton of feet.
Super sorry.
Come on. Get in. I need to do everything on April's list
or she's not going to go out with me.
You're into April?
Come on. We'll talk about it in the car.
Hold on. I'll get my books.
Okay.
Okay, great. Call me.
That should be some damage control. I'm having dinner with Perd Hapley.
Tom, what do we have?
I've gotten calls from a dozen businesses
thinking about pulling their sponsorships.
- Sweetums might cancel the Fat-Coaster. - Oh, my God.
Okay, look, we need to focus.
We still have the Pawnee Today interview.
Well, is it too late to cancel?
Yeah. Yeah. It's too late to cancel.
Joan Callamezzo runs this town.
But Ben, don't worry about it. You're not going in front of the camera.
Fine with me.
Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van?
Yeah.
But she's being really difficult about it, and it's actually not my van.
I stole it from a friend of mine.
I technically shouldn't be even driving, because
my license is crazy expired.
That's Dwyer. D-W-Y-E-R.
Dude! Come on. I've got to get out of here!
Natalie, tell this guy you know me.
Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.
Joan, let's make a pact, okay?
If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married.
- Tom, I'm already married. - That's right. To Seal.
What? I confused you with Heidi Klum again.
- See you later, Joan. - That's just...
- That's how it's done. - In five, four...
Hello, and welcome to Pawnee Today. I'm Joan Callamezzo.
Today's guest is Leslie Knope, who is here to tell us
how this year's Harvest Festival is going to bankrupt the city.
Well, Joan, actually, there's a lot of false information flying around.
- The Harvest Festival is... - Jumping right in.
That's rude.
I just want everyone to know
what an extraordinary event this is going to be.
But at what cost?
How many cities does Ben Wyatt need to destroy
before he's put behind bars?
Ben Wyatt has done nothing wrong.
You know? If you want to ask him questions, let's go for it, huh?
Just ask any question about his past or present.
Just get it over with. Ben, let's get up here.
- What? - Yeah. Come on.
We'll just ask him a bunch of questions,
and then, we'll get everything cleared and out of the way.
- Sound good? Yeah? - Great.
Good. Let's take some calls, Joan.
- Why don't you? - Okay. Caller, are you there?
Yeah, how can you justify raising taxes
for something that will hurt the town?
I...
For...
Just to add to what Ben's stammering about,
we aren't going to raise taxes.
So, that's that. Next caller?
Do you fish, April?
No. Fish are gross.
Let me give you a piece of fishing advice.
- I said I don't... - When you have a fish on the line,
you don't just drag it behind the boat.
You either reel it in or you cut him loose.
Especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Maybe not. Maybe you really do hate Andy.
Maybe moving to Indianapolis just to get revenge on him
is a really good idea.
What do I know?
You are going to love this.
Verosian tea really supercharges the bacteria in your colon.
Plus, it smells interesting. Waft it.
Are we actually ever going to drink it, or we're just going to sniff it?
I love sniffing. Don't get me wrong.
You are hilarious.
So, you're leaving soon.
Back to Indianapolis briefly,
and then, on to a town called Snerling, Indiana,
for several months.
Never heard of it.
It's quite small. The cows outnumber the people forty to one.
It sounds amazing.
I like you a lot. I love spending time with you.
And I thoroughly enjoy you, Ann Perkins.
I just think we need to talk about what that means for us.
- I don't want to be clingy. - No, no, no. Please.
It is something that we need to figure out,
and we should do that right now.
I'm so happy you said that.
Wow, that's disgusting.
Yes, it's very hard to drink.
Yeah, why should we trust this Ben Wyatt guy?
Because I'm trusty. Trust me.
I'm trustworthy. And I am working very hard to...
...make sure that this town gets back on its feet.
Here we go. Okay, great. Next caller?
So, I looked you up on AltaVista, and I found out
that the last seven towns you've gone to ended up bankrupt.
Okay. First of all, why does everyone in this town use AltaVista?
Is it 1997? And second, I am a budget specialist.
I went to those towns because they were bankrupt, and now, they aren't.
And yeah, I screwed up when I was 18,
but who doesn't do dumb stuff when they're 18?
- Joan? - I stole my gym teacher's husband.
So, there you go.
Well. What else you got, callers?
- Going once, going... - Here we go.
Yeah, hi. Can you tell me more about the corn maze
at the Harvest Festival? Are dogs allowed?
- Hello. - Hello.
How did it go today?
It was super fun.
- It was? - Yeah.
You have a list for tomorrow?
You want to do this again tomorrow?
Yes, I do. I mean, it's the deal, right?
I got to do it for a whole month, and then,
you're not going to move to Indianapolis.
I better be the only person you kissed today.
Yeah, I'm positive that you are.
If I thought you were serious, I'd be offended, Perd.
But I know that we're buddies.
And I know you wouldn't do that to me.
But, no, this is a birthmark, Perd. Okay?
This is the little scar I got when I was nine and I fell off my bike.
So, no, I'm not perfect.
- I can't look away. - It's amazing.
Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Now, here's the best part.
Okay, that's all the time we have here on Ya' Heard?
I'm Perd Hapley, Channel Four.
More like "Turd Crapley."
- Yes. Yes. - Yeah?
- Bravo! - Thank you very much.