Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 3 - Time Capsule - full transcript

Okay, Jerry, what have you chosen

to put in the time capsule?

These are my mother's diaries.

Wow.

Yeah, she lived in Pawnee
all of her life

and recorded everything
she ever did.

Yeah, so it's, you know,
kind of like

a living document about the town.

Hmm.

A disappointingly
good idea from Jerry.

Better than good, Jerry.
Perfect.



Give me that.

"January 18, 1964.

"Jerrold starred in his school
production of Peter Pan.

He was a beautiful
Tinker Bell."

It was an all-boys school.

Jerry!

Hey, Leslie, I have an idea.

Why don't we put Eduardo in there

and seal the top so
that he suffocates and dies?

Okay, Tom, you're up.

For my item, I chose a picture

of my ex-girlfriend Lucy

with a mustache drawn on her face

and stink lines coming off her,
'cause she stinks.



She broke up with me.
Didn't really tell me why.

Luckily, when you're the guy,

you can just tell people
she's crazy.

"Hey, Tom, I heard you
and Lucy broke up."

"Yeah, man.
Turns out she's crazy."

That's what they always do
on Entourage.

Ron?

I am submitting this menu

from a Pawnee institution,
JJ's diner,

home of the world's best
breakfast dish,

the four horse meals
of the egg-pork-alypse.

Wendy loves it too.

And I am submitting this.

A brief history of everything
that has ever happened

since Pawnee was founded.

Not like you get
extra credit for this,

but I did type it from memory.

And for the first
time ever compiled,

it includes a complete list

of every official town slogan
we've ever had.

- Oh, my God, Leslie.
- I know. Can you believe it?

- That's crazy.
- Isn't it?

"Pawnee:
The Paris of America.

"Pawnee: The Akron
of Southwest Indiana.

Pawnee:
Welcome, German soldiers."

After the Nazis took France,
our mayor kind of panicked.

"Pawnee: The factory fire
capital of America.

"Pawnee: Welcome,
Vietnamese soldiers.

Pawnee: Engage with Zorp."

For a brief time in the '70s,

our town
was taken over by a cult.

"Pawnee: Zorp is dead.
Long live Zorp.

"Pawnee: It's safe
to be here now.

Pawnee: Birthplace
of Julia Roberts."

That was a lie, she sued,
and so we had to change it.

"Pawnee:
Home of the world-famous

"Julia Roberts lawsuit.

Pawnee:
Welcome, Taliban soldiers."

And finally, our current slogan:

"Pawnee: First in friendship,
fourth in obesity."

Yes, Pawnee has had
its set of problems,

but this time capsule
is our way of saying

that Pawnee is gonna be around
for a long time...

Capsule.

And you can quote me on that.

Oh, I'm actually gonna
quote you on all of this,

'cause it's a newspaper article.

- I thought of a great headline.
- Great.

It's time to encapsulate
the future.

- Good one.
- Sub headline:

The parks department
cuts the crapsule,

buries the time capsule.

I'll be back tomorrow
with the photographer.

Okay.

Leslie, this guy's here.

Hi.
Can I help you?

I'm Kelly Larson.

I read online
about your time capsule,

and I'm here to make
a suggestion.

Oh, I'm sorry.
We're not taking sugges...

The Twilight books.

It's a beautifully-told saga
of vampires,

werewolves, and romance.

Ah, you are the person
that's been emailing me

about Twilight.

I thought you would be younger...

And a girl.

Well, I'm not.
I'm older and a boy.

But I feel very strongly
that these should be included.

Can I tell you why?

Sure, Kelly.
Have a seat.

- Awesome.
- And plead your case.

Thanks.
Okay, Christmas Eve, 1973.

Author Stephenie Meyer,
nee Morgan,

was born in Hartford,
Connecticut.

Oh, you're going all
the way back to her birth. Okay.

So basically, Ann kissed me

and then April kissed me,
and I told April,

because of honesty is important.

That's so true.

But now she's gone
and gotten herself

a Venezuelan boyfriend
who's, like,

the handsomest dude
I've ever seen.

Present company excluded.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, I was talking about me.

Hey.

Ann Perkins!

Andy just gave me
a phenomenal shoeshine

and I did not know that
you two once lived together.

Yes.
Yes, we did.

Thank you for catching him up
on our history.

Andy, that was
an amazing shoeshine.

I can literally see my face
in my shoes.

See you later!

He didn't...
he didn't pay me.

Why are you hanging out
with Chris?

He just sat down.

What am I supposed to do?
He's my boss.

- No, he's not.
- He isn't?

God dang it.

I cannot figure out
who my boss is.

Andy, I like this guy.

Please don't do anything weird,
I beg you.

I just started dating Chris,
and I don't know how,

but Andy's gonna screw it up.

Andy screws everything up.

When we were dating,
I bought him a fish

and I don't want to get into it,

but somehow that fish ended up
dead in a cowboy boot.

And combined,
they have sold more than

100 million copies worldwide.

Now, have you seen any
of the Twilight movies?

No, I have not.

Well, let me describe them
to you shot-for-shot.

Movie number one.
Twilight.

We slowly pan up over a mossy log

to see a deer drinking
crystal-clear water.

Okay, Kelly, this time capsule

isn't just a barrel full
of stuff that people like.

It's about life in Pawnee
at this moment in time,

and there is nothing
in Twilight

that is specific to Pawnee.

I disagree, okay?

The town of Forks, Washington
is exactly like Pawnee,

except for the climate
and the vampires.

I'm sorry.
I have to say no.

I beg you to reconsider.

And I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Then I'm gonna have to do this.

He brought handcuffs with him.

This whole thing was planned.

I think it's kind of cool.

It's not cool.

It's trespassing,
and that is breaking the rules.

Cool people make the rules.
They don't break the rules.

And if those kids want you
to break the rules,

then they aren't
really your friends.

Whoa, who are you even
talking about?

I don't know.
I'm sorry. I'm just annoyed.

But while we're on the subject,

your friend Orrin with the long
black nails and the cloak?

He concerns me.

He's a genius.

I'll care of this trespasser.

Give me 30 seconds.

I'm just gonna call security.

Guys, can we push
the meeting an hour?

What's going on?

Some guy handcuffed himself
to a pipe in my office

because we wouldn't put
a copy of Twilight

in the time capsule.

Damn it. Again?

You look sad.

You look like a weird goon

who's obsessed with a kid's book.

It's a girl, isn't it?

I can tell.

It's the look that Mike
had on his face

when Bella turned him down
for the dance.

Oh, yeah? Is it?

What look did your mom
have on her face

when she realized her son
was a complete failure?

Okay, I'll be quiet.

But I do know something
about heartbreak.

And you know who else does?

- Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds?
- No.

A little lady named Twilight
author Stephenie Meyer.

Trust me.

You should listen to him.

Those books are good.

Oh, I love any book
about vampires,

werewolves, monsters, zombies,

sorcerers, beasties,
or time-traveling romances.

And if I had an hour alone
with Robert Pattinson,

he would forget all about
Skinnylegs McGee.

I'll tell you that much.

Okay, buddy, time is up.

Give us the keys.

They're hidden somewhere
very far away.

Then we're gonna have
to cut you loose.

Why?
I'm not doing anything wrong.

Yes, you are.
You're trespassing.

Well, the fact remains
this is perfectly legal.

No, it's not.
You're trespassing.

Look, I really don't want
to cause any trouble,

but I am not gonna leave
until you

put Twilight
in the time capsule.

This muscle-headed
storm trooper

doesn't scare me.

Go ahead, Artie.

No! No! No! No! No!

Please! No! No! No! No!
No! No! Get him away from me!

I am very scared of you!

All right!

Okay! All right! All right!
All right!

Stop.

If he wants to stay in there,

I'll let him stay in there.

In two hours,
he's gonna be so hungry

and freaked out,
he's gonna be begging me to...

He brought a pillow.

Hey, Leslie, I'm making
some sleepytime tea.

You want any?

Hey, dude, wake up, man.

Oh, morning, Tom.

Twilight is dope.

- I told you.
- I couldn't put it down.

It was like she was peering
into my soul.

Sing it, friend.
Here.

Book two.
Twilight: New Moon.

Get cracking.

There's a second book?

And a third and a fourth.

No [bleep] way.

- It's fantastic.
- Yeah.

I worked really hard.
I did every pair that I could.

I didn't know
what to do with these.

- I think they're gloves.
- No, no, no, no.

Those are sports sandals.

They're for adventure racing.

They perfectly contour
to the human foot,

and the human foot
is the ultimate technology.

Dude, that is
the coolest sentence

I've ever heard somebody talk.

So you love April,

and she has a new boyfriend,
right?

You got all of that
from a picture?

No, you told me yesterday.
Andy...

I want to help you win her over.

Why do I want to help him?

Because he's a good person.

I love good people.

Hey, you know who should
wear these shoes?

Monkeys.

Well, this is an interesting
turn of events.

Is it?
I-I don't know.

I mean, I guess
it's kind of interesting.

What the real story is

is how wonderful
our time capsule is

and how it perfectly
encapsulates...

a word I really
think you should use...

what our town is all about.

Hey, how's this for a headline?

"Parks department
foiled by pipe dreams."

God, that's an amazing headline,

but please don't
write that story.

The key to April's heart
is within you, Andy.

You need to tap in to the aspects

of your personality
that she once found attractive

to make yourself the best
version of yourself.

What's great about you?

I'm nice.

Good! Nice.

What else?

I'm in a band.

Band!

- What else?
- That's it.

Am I Team Edward?
Yes.

Do I share his concerns
about turning Bella, though?

Absolutely not.

Edward's primary goal
at all times

is Bella's protection.

Can you please,
please be quiet?

Sorry. Sorry.

Please keep it down.
Be considerate.

Look at it this way, Tom.

Bella's love for Edward
is being tested.

By Jacob?

Mm. Not exactly.

- The volturi?
- Yes.

Okay, you know what?
All right.

I'm gonna go do my work
in the conference room,

'cause you guys are the worst.

You seem tense, Leslie.
You know what you should do?

Read Twilight?

Read Twilight.
Here.

Yeah, thanks.

Sometimes I think
she's in the volturi.

Good morning, Kelly.

Oh, morning, Leslie.

Hope you don't mind I moved
myself over to this pipe.

It's a little more comfortable.

No problem.

Did you have a nice night?
Sleep well?

Mm, it was all right,
considering.

Picked you up some coffee.

Thank you so much.

Well, you seem pretty chipper
this morning.

I am, Kelly,

because I know why you're here.

You know what I did last night?

Read Twilight,
and it transformed your life

and you're gonna put it
in the time capsule?

Well, I read the first ten pages.

I couldn't really
get into it, though.

More of a Harry Potter
girl myself.

What?

But I looked at the inside cover,

and I saw this.

Did a little research,
and Liz Waverly

is 12 years old,
a straight "A" student

at King Philip Middle.

She's also a member of many

Twilight Internet
message boards

and I'm guessing your daughter?

Is that why you did this?

To impress your daughter?

Liz's mom and I divorced
a couple years ago,

and it's been really hard on her.

And she loves Twilight
and so...

I read about your time capsule
and I thought

that if I could somehow
convince you

to get it in there,
I'd be a big hero.

That's really sweet.

You should have told me you were
doing this for your daughter.

I didn't want
to drag her into it.

I'm sorry.
This is a mistake.

You don't have to put Twilight
in the time capsule.

I think we should put Twilight
in the time capsule.

Leslie, no.

We don't negotiate with weirdos.

Yeah, what happened to,
"a perfect encapsulation

of life in Pawnee"?

Well, for that guy,
life in Pawnee

is him and his daughter
reading that book.

Besides, I can get Shauna
on board.

It would make a great
human interest story.

Uh, if this gets out,

every time you want
to do anything,

some guy's gonna come
into your office

and handcuff himself to a pipe.

Well, yeah, that's a good point.

Then we shall
bring the pipe to them.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

What does that mean?

Crackpot convention.

So that's what
today's forum is for.

We're gonna hear suggestions
from everyone,

and then whichever items
we generally agree on

will go into the time capsule.

Please remember this is
a government project,

so we need to refrain
from corporate promotion

and religious items.

Who'd like to start?

I think we should
put in the Bible.

Great.

Eduardo.

Hi, Eduardo.

I want to apologize.

Just because
you're dating my soul mate

doesn't give me any right
to be a jerk to you.

Um, I promise from now on,

I'm just gonna be...
Super nice to you.

Thank you for saying that.

You're welcome.

Um, what, uh, CDs are those?

Mouse Rat.
My band.

It's our latest album.
Yeah.

You, uh, like music?
What are you listening to?

The Smiths.
Ugh. Very depressing.

April's making you listen
to that?

She's really
into that indie stuff.

I'm more of
a Dave Matthews guy myself.

David Matthews!
Crash into me!

Yes!
I love that song.

Here you go, here.
Take one. Check us out.

We're amazing, so let me know
how much you like us.

Yeah, gracias.

That means "thank you"?

- Yes.
- Nailed it.

So we have one very moving
case for Twilight.

Anyone else?
Great.

- Two people for Twilight.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm Marcia Langman
from the Society

for family stability foundation.

This book contains
pagan creatures

and strong sexual overtones.

There are girls quivering.

There are boys staring deeply
into girls' eyes

as they quiver and so forth.

There really is a tremendous
amount of quivering.

It is anti-Christian,

it is pro-quivering,
and the government

has no business promoting it.

I totally disagree.

Well, now we have two people
for Twilight.

Absolutely not.

I'm with the National
Civil Liberties Association.

That book actually contains
overt Christian themes,

and as such, has no business
being associated

with any government project.

So too Christian
and not Christian enough?

Do you see the irony here?

No? Okay.

Uh, Donna, why don't you
put a question mark

next Twilight?

No!
You promised!

You promised?
That's not fair!

Wait, it's not a question
of fairness.

- It's secul...
- Go back to Russia, commie!

Hey, you go back to Russia!

And you go back to wherever
you came from!

Why would I go to Russia?

I have no interest
in traveling to Russia.

Can I just say that?

Um, who else?

I would like to include
my favorite book:

Crazy from the Heat:
The David Lee Roth Story.

Well, I think if we're
gonna be adding a book

to the time capsule,
it would probably be Twilight.

I don't care about Twilight.

Why is this only about
his favorite book?

I want my favorite book in there.

Okay, I have an idea.

Two time capsules.

One that totally encapsulates
what's happening

right now in Pawnee
in this moment in time

and the other one
that's just for items

of personal significance,
like Twilight.

No Twilight!

Yes, Twilight!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Thanks for coming.

I only have a second.
I have to get to work.

Bella's going on her first hunt.

I just don't get
why you broke up with me.

Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough

like the normal kids compared
to the vampires?

Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob
type situation

where you like me but there's
someone else you like more?

Uh, it's nothing
to do with Twilight.

It just didn't work out.
Okay?

Well, what difference
does it make?

If we stayed together,
you probably would have

just dumped me for Ron.

Actually, that's the reason.

I believe you when you say
that you're not in love

with Wendy anymore,
but you're definitely not cool

with her dating Ron.

You talk about it constantly.

Well, I can't help it, okay?

I mean, he's so manly,
and he's my boss.

Imagine if your boss
was Angelina Jolie,

and then one day,
she just started

dating your ex-boyfriend.

Wouldn't that freak you out
a little bit?

Well, not if I had great
new boyfriend, dumbass.

Look, Tom, I like you.

You're really cute
and you're funny

and you're small enough
for me to throw you around.

So if you ever work through this,

then give me a call.

My grandmother lived
in Pawnee for 60 years,

and I want to put her ashes
in the time capsule.

My cat, Turnip,
was the greatest cat ever,

and I'd like to put his ashes
in the time capsule.

For the last time,
and I won't say this again,

there will be no human
or feline ashes

in either one of
the time capsules.

Except for Turnip.

Except for Turnip.

No chanting.

Look, we don't know
what the world

is going to be like in 50 years.

We could all have been wiped out
from disease or the flu.

So what's your suggestion?

I don't know.

I'm just scared.

Hey.

Andy!

I got two microphones,
a four-track recorder,

and every bass tab
to Dave Matthews ever.

- Vamos!
- We're gonna jam

for, like, nine hours.
Is that cool?

- Yeah.
- All right.

That's ridiculous.

Now, why should
the bill of rights

be in the official time capsule

but this painting of my dog

is in time capsule seven?

Well, I think pet paintings/ashes

are in time capsule four.

No, that's baseball cards.

No, baseball cards

are in time capsule nine:
Childhood memorabilia.

Honestly,
Twilight could go

in almost any of these
categories.

Oh, shut up, Kelly!

Make me, Bob!

Okay, let's take
a ten-minute break!

Oh, God.

This time capsule's
tearing this town apart.

You're leaving soon.

Can I blame it on you
in the press?

Sure.

Well, I got to say,
I think it's kind of impressive.

I've been to a lot of towns.

Usually people don't care
about anything.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

These people are weirdos,

but they're weirdos who care.

Excuse me, everyone.

I realize things have gotten
a little out of control,

and that's Ben's fault,
and he's sorry.

But I have an idea,
and if you like it,

I think we can end this
right now.

"Dear Pawnee of the future,

"congratulations.

"You have found a time capsule

"that was buried
over 50 years ago.

"We wanted to include
a collection of items

"that would best represent

"what life was like in our town
at that moment.

"Instead, you'll find
only one item...

"a video recording
of a public forum we held

"in order to determine
just what those items would be.

"This is truly
what life was like...

"a lot of people
with a lot of opinions

"arguing passionately
for what they believed in.

"So enjoy watching it.

"A-assuming you still have
electricity.

"And sorry about the weird
blank gap in the middle.

"A man named Jerry Gergich

"screwed up
the recording somehow.

"He had one job to do.

Sincerely,
Pawnee of the past."

Is Eduardo coming?

No, he went back to Venezuela.

Oh, that sucks.

He was a really good bassist.

- I was actually started to like him.
- I know.

That's what made me start to hate him.

The nice and band totally worked.

Have you enjoyed your time with Andy?

Yeah, he's great.

And he told me how great you are...

And he told me that I would be crazy
to let you away.

- He did, huh?
- He did.

And also, there's a pretzel stand
over there that literally serves

the best pretzel I've ever had.
Would you like one?

Absolutely.

Hey guys.

Listen, I've never seen this before, so...

I'd really appreciated if no one
like talked or texted or anything.

Oh...

Hey.

- Hey, Leslie, thanks for setting this up.
- Dude, what did I just say?

- I was the guy who introduced you to...
- How about you shut up?